Letter To Rainbow

Cat's p o v

Dear Rainbow

I hate my fucking life! No seriously I do it's been almost a month Jade won't even talk to me, I call her so many times every day, she never answers. I text her a billion times a day she won't answer she blocked me on the slap. I leave messages after messages and she never replies I wonder if she even listens or if she just deletes them.

She's breaking my heart I love her so damn much why won't she just let me in?

What did I do that was so wrong?

I can't sleep anymore I just toss and turn it hurts to much I see her face every time I close my eyes I see her, her smile I see that twinkle in her eyes the one she gets when she's about to pounce on Tori. I miss that twinkle.

I can't eat food makes me sick it's because of food she hates me. I refuse to eat I know my Nonna is scared to death for me but I just can't stomach the thought of food.

All I do is cry, cry, cry, cry and cry I am so sick of crying. I see her everywhere though and it slices me apart, bit by bit.

I hate what Ana did to us I need help I know it but how?

Please help me I can't take this I would rather be dead than live without her.

I want to see Jade so bad talk to her face to face but Nonna won't let me go to school so I am stuck here under her watchful eye.

Love Cat

I hit send the tears burning my eyes Rainbow was my last hope shivering I stood up standing naked in front of the mirror. I was down to 86 lbs running my hands over my body I felt every ounce of fat on me disgusting that's the real reason Jade didn't want to be near me. She saw the real me the fat disgusting slob me.

The hair on my body repulsed me I needed to get it off of me maybe Jade would want to touch me than.

Grabbing a robe I wrapped it around me heading to the bathroom.

As I headed there I heard voices Sam and Nonna talking, Nonna's voice was cracking as she cried.

I don't have a choice Sam

Nonna no you can't you love living at Elderly Acres

Yes I do Sam but I love my granddaughter even more

She needs help she's sick and this is expensive between her hospitalization & treatment and

Therapy Insurance won't pay anymore and I need to stay home to care for her so I can't get a job

I just can't afford the fee at Elderly acres anymore

I can get another job Nona take on more clients I'll give up my music

We can do this together

Nona shock her head hugging Sam.

No sweetie you are so young you need to focus on you

That means chasing your dreams your already taking on too much without Cat's help.

My heart pounded I couldn't breathe I am killing her that's why Jade hates me she sees what selfish bitch I am.

I can't even get better for my Nona it broke my heart seeing her cry hearing her frustration.

Leaning against the wall I shivered letting the tears flow.

Crawling into bed I let the tears flow free my body shock clutching the pillow.

Why can't I just eat? That's all she wants me to do she thinks it will make me healthy.

Jade wants me to get better but better to her means fat she'll only love me when I'm perfect I can only be perfect if I'm thinner. I can only be better if I'm fat.

Why is life so confusing?

My stomach hurt I mean no one can even know how bad I was hurting. It goes beyond the pain of just being hungry this pain is so intense. I couldn't move it feels like my whole inside is being ripped out from my inside out. Even though I was laying down I felt like I could pass out.

I grabbed Mr. Purple and squeezed him to my chest it hurt to breathe my lungs were on permanent fire.

I didn't want to live what was the point if all I was going to do was hurt why bother?

Mr. purple when will I stop hurting?

I heaved sobbing my tears fell on him his smiling eyes looked at me sadly.

Mr. purple your the only one who loves me for who I am you never try to change me

I kissed his nose his soft fuzziness tickled my checks.

I feel helpless hopeless what kind of fat selfish horrible pig am I to make my own grandma cry give up her own retirement for me.

My hands ran down my ribcage over my stomach god I feel like a fucking stuffed sausage.

Disgusting maybe I won't wake up tomorrow maybe than my Nona could rest easy.

At least one of us could rest cause it wasn't going to be me my body hurt my head my legs hurt my stomach hurt.

I could never make anyone happy, my own parents loved my brother more than me. I was always the disappointment my dad wanted a boy.

Jacob was his pride and joy I'm not saying he didn't love me but I sure wasn't his favorite. I tried sports but my own uncle told me I wasn't meant to be an athlete he told me maybe if I lost some weight I could run faster be lighter the way Jacob was.

I was breathless my chest hurt I was dizzy my grandma deserved so much better than me. I feel so horrible I can't do what she wants. I make her cry I lie to her I use her I abuse her with my lies my stubbornness. I yell at her how can I be so mean to yell at my sweet loving Nona who his given me so much.

I should die!

It would be better for everyone I cried all night at one point I felt Nona sitting on my bed rubbing my back.

Oh my sweet Catrina what can I do to help you?

How can I ease your pain? Isn't there anything I can do for you

I've traveled so many roads many broken I have learned lessons old and new I have many wisdom

I will share any with you baby girl baby forgive those who hurt you their hurting to

Jade is trying to bury her own pain she's trying to protect herself her parents abounded her she feels

Like she has to keep her heart guarded and if she feels being with you is hurtful than she needs to work it out.

I cried harder I could barely get the words out I could barely breathe.

She's my savior Nona

Oh Catrina baby

Nona kissed my neck running her hands over my body.

I'm so sorry no Nona

Sorry for what darling?

Sorry for being such a disappointment

No no darling baby you are never a disappointment

You are my greatest joy my love my heart is so hurt right now

Baby it is not a sign of weakness let me help

How Nona why bother I am not worth it

Yes you are baby yes you are

She rubbed my back holding me softly singing to me slowly my breathing eased.

Tomorrow baby I will go see your therapist we will get you through this

Do you want me to go see Jade?

No Nona she'll only hate me more

I hiccuped Nona made me sit up god it hurt so bad to move bust she wouldn't let me go she lovingly supported me holding me firm.

I'll find a way to deal with this myself

Alright sweetheart I love you I'll trust you

How can you trust me?

Cause I know your heart and it's the purest

Laying my head on her chest I closed my eyes enjoying her rubbing my back kissing my head.

At some point after laying there for hours Sam came inside somehow she managed to get me up and help me eat some soup. I was so tired and so weak I didn't fight my Nona's pleading didn't stop ringing in my ear.

Sam's voice filled the air as Nona held me Sam feeding me.

I'm never that far, no matter where you are.
Believe it, we can make it come true.
We'll do it our way, no matter what they say, 'Cause no one's gonna do it for you-ooh-ooh, yeah.

But I-I-I-I, I'll never say never,
As long as we keep it together, er-er-oh.

If you're living a dream, and you know what It means, then you can't let 'em change your mind.
It's the life that we choose, and we still break the rules, but it's all gonna be just fine.

Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.
You and me, we're gonna be just fine.
Hummmmmmm.

{ Just Fine lyrics are owned by Mike Cochran ]