Carol watched as Logan and Daryl argued. It was making everyone anxious. It wasn't really that they didn't but heads but it was rare to hear Logan yell at his dad. It was even more rare to see Daryl snarled right back and jerk him out of the room. They were far away but the anger was crackling in the air like electricity and their voices were carrying. Logan was furious at the thought of being left behind. More than furious and it was starting to weigh on everyone. It was easy to see that the time that Daryl was in Atlanta affected Logan and a severe way. He didn't talk about it and if he did Carol wasn't sure what to really say. Sure she could try to comfort him but he'd been cursed early with the knowledge that his dad almost died. He'd almost lost him and now he was clinging to him- life and death.
"FUCK YOU!" Logan's voice roared through the house.
Merle tensed and looked over. He didn't say anything as he got up and left the room. Mac wasn't far behind or Brian. Carol chewed her lip watching them. Merle paused at the door and met her eyes.
"What the fuck are you standing there for?" Merle barked. "Get your ass in there and calm your boys."
Carol shot out of the room after holding herself back from doing just that for near and hour. Mac, Merle, and Brian didn't follow but instead finished getting the vehicles ready for a run. Liz and Sophia were upset but much more mature about their reactions. Liz though did call Daryl a dirty communist. She wasn't sure what that was about but Daryl snorted. That was mere seconds before fireworks went off in the form of Logan Dixon's temper.
"Logan." Daryl's voice was low.
Carol pushed the door open and ignored the two irritated looks she received. Both men were tense and squared off. Logan looked ashen and Daryl looked ready to blow his top. It was easy to see that both were refusing to back down. It didn't surprise her that Logan was reacting so strongly. When Daryl left to go get his mother and brother Logan had damn near paced the floor to ruin.
"Carol we need a minute then we can go." Daryl's voice was downright frigid.
Logan flinched from the coldness in his tone and Carol felt the need to shield him. It should be irrational. It was irrational because she'd barely known this kid any time at all but that didn't mean anything to her. She'd always felt like something was missing in her life. Like a she wasn't whole. She knew why when she met these two. Daryl completed her but Logan was something else. He was the kid she was meant to have but never got to. If she'd met Daryl before Ed then maybe but that wasn't in the cards for her. So she got her kid sixteen years late but she got him all the same.
Carol stepped over to them and partially in front of Logan. "Is it necessary to have a screaming match?"
Logan shifted behind her and she felt him brush against her. It was subtle but obvious that he was leaning into her for the strength he didn't have to face his dad. Carol felt tears prick her eyes even more at the thought of Logan and grit her teeth. It was stupid the anger she felt at Daryl. He had every right to want to keep his son here and safe. It was smart but it was causing Logan such distress that she was scared he'd do something stupid without him here.
"Daryl I barely kept him in these fences when you left last time." Carol said.
She met his eyes demanding that he listen. The anger simmering there startled her. She was challenging him over his child. His. Logan was Daryl's. She'd never done this. She'd never dreamed of doing this before. Sure give her opinion but to openly fight him over Logan? It was laughable. No one in his family dared to do such a thing.
"Do you honestly think that Ruby, Brian, and the girls will keep him here? They'll have to tie him down."
Logan tensed abruptly behind her. "Carol's going?" His voice was acidic. "Why did no one fucking tell me that she was going?"
Daryl didn't look away from either of them. Logan was standing by her side now, his shoulder pressed into hers, and his stance was defensive. He was sprawling for a fight.
"Did you fucking forget what happened to Liz out there!" Logan barked.
Carol's eyes widened at that. Logan was on a roll and she knew that he was edging close to the line. What happened to Liz bothered Daryl immensely. He didn't say shit to anyone because that wasn't Daryl. She knew him though and knew that he'd had horrible dreams after it happened. He'd told her when Liz came to him about it. He never said what they talked about but she knew that till the day he died it'd bother Daryl that she got hurt on his watch. Logan was ripping, rending, and digging into wounds that Daryl himself would never let scab over to heal.
"No." Daryl's voice was dead.
"Then why the fuck do you think it'd be safe for Carol to go!" Logan snarled. "If you can't keep Liz safe then I don't trust you with my goddamn mom."
Carol's hand shot to Logan's wrist and her nails bit into him. Daryl didn't say a word. He stared at Logan in a way that made Carol's heart thunder. It made bile rise in her throat. It made her want a time turner to go back before she opened her mouth. To just say she would stay with him. It made her wish that the wounded look hidden under the layers of Daryl's eyes wasn't there.
He rolled his shoulders slightly but otherwise said nothing. His face never changed. It was too calm. To collected and practiced. This was a man use to burying years of hurt under a mask to never burden someone else with his hurt. She wanted to wrap him up and hide him away. She wanted to scream at Logan that he was insensitive and she wanted to scream at Daryl.
He turned and walked away. Daryl just walked away and she heard more than seen Logan's chest heave. Daryl stopped at the door but didn't look back. "Carol make sure your bags ready to go and Logan get yours. We leave as soon as you're both ready."
Both watched him go and the silence was deafening. Carol sucked in a breath and Logan exhaled roughly. Both were trying to get their breath and Carol couldn't look at Logan. The sting of his words to his father were to open, to fresh, and the smell of the blood in the air was making her stomach churn more than usual.
Carol released his wrist and he grappled for hers roughly. Carol paused and he made a distressed noise in his throat. "I I...I.."
"Get ready Logan." Carol said.
She needed to get to Daryl. She wanted to talk to him before he could get out there and distance himself further from everything. Daryl was more stressed today than he'd been any other day she'd seen him. Not only was she going with him and he was supposed to be away from his son where anything could go wrong but she was supposed to find out if she was pregnant today. It was all weighing on him and for Logan to have screamed that he didn't trust Daryl to keep her safe or any of them was shattering. She couldn't imagine the hurt that the man felt.
When she got to the living room Liz was staring heavily out the windows. She was worried about them leaving. She wanted to go as well but all three men refused. Carol adamantly agreed. Mac had told both girls that until they could fight, disarm, and use a weapon like their own kids they'd not be going anywhere. Liz had bristled but Sophia just smiled at the man serenely causing Brian and Logan both to snort.
Carol stepped outside and watched Daryl hot box a cigarette as both Merle and Mac talked at him. That was exactly what they were doing too because Daryl was checked out completely. His eyes were distant and he made no attempt to even pretend to listen. Merle seemed to notice and shot her a worried look. He left Mac and met her halfway.
"What the fuck is happening?"
"Logan's going." Carol kept her voice low.
"What the fuck for?"
Carol swallowed. "It was a bad fight Merle. It was that or me staying."
Merle studied her, "Is there something else going on?"
"No." Carol shook her head. She wasn't ready to talk about the possibility of her being pregnant. "Just a bad fight between them. Things were said that shouldn't have been."
Merle swore under his breath, "You gotta get his head out of the clouds before we leave or I'm calling this for today. He gets out there that distracted he'd going to get killed."
Carol patted his chest but Merle pulled her into his. His arms wrapped around her and the warmth that surrounded her made her eyes burn. He chuckled and ruffled her hair.
"You're a bad liar Carol." Merle's voice was low. "Work on your poker face."
The door opened and Logan stepped out. He was quiet. He was the type of quiet that made people dance on a razor's edge. Daryl didn't even look at him. Instead Daryl threw the keys to Merle and he climbed into the back seat. Merle let her go and caught the keys with ease. Logan flinched. Carol slipped away and climbed in beside Daryl. Mac was beside her eyeing his brother and Logan got up front with Merle.
Daryl didn't move or talk the entire way. Logan was trying to laugh and joke with Merle but it was stilted. Carol slid her hand over into Daryl's lap and caught his hand tangling their fingers. She leaned her head against his shoulder and shifted closer to him. Mac elbowed her more and sprawled out lazily. Carol snorted at him and he winked lewdly. He had her pressed into Daryl, almost in his lap, and before long Mac was sleeping like the dead.
"How can he do that?" Logan looked back at him.
Carol felt bad when he looked towards his dad but Daryl was studiously staring out the window. She could almost taste the festering of the wound he now carried. Her grip tightened on his hand and he squeezed it back but otherwise was silent. Logan gave up and turned. Merle leaned forward and cut the music on.
Taking the chance she had as Logan and Merle howled with the music. Leaning more into Daryl Carol's lips brushed ear. He looked down at her and she smiled. Not moving Carol cleared her throat.
"I trust you." Her voice was soft and private. "He trust you. We all do Daryl."
He forced a smile for her but it was broken. His eyes were that same lifeless blue that worried her.
"I'm fine Carol."
"No your not and you can't lie to me." Her words were stern. "He's upset and you know he didn't mean it."
"Carol." He forced her name out. His voice was starting to change. "I know what's it's like to be mad at your dad. I get it, I was his age once and I've had many of screaming matches with my own dad."
It didn't matter what he said. Hearing that your own child didn't trust you had to hurt. She hurt for him. She'd seen the look in his eyes. It was buried under layers of perfectly crafted deceit. He'd learned it over the years and no doubt when he'd been young and lost in drinking. Lost in depression so deep that the only out he seen was lying to himself and lying to his own reflection. If a man could look himself in his own eyes and say he was fine and believe it- that was dangerous. Daryl Dixon could be downright scary if need be. It still didn't hide it from her though and that spoke volumes. She loved him ferociously and to see such raw hurt and pain made her sick.
It was like an electric bolt shot straight through her and she set up straighter. It made sense why his eyes were so dead. Why he was so far off. He'd fought with his dad. He'd fought with him and then Will died. Something told her he'd never got to apologize. It was never resolved and the last thing they'd said to each other were words shouted in anger. She'd never heard much about but knew that Daryl was there when it happened. He was severely depressed afterwards. It was so bad that his brothers and Ruby were considering forcing him into rehab for drinking. He was a complete mess.
Hearing Logan scream and yell at him that he couldn't keep them safe and that he was going to get killed. It was to close to home for Daryl. He didn't want to fight with Logan and then something happen. He could potentially have another kid on the way. He wouldn't just be failing one of them but both in his eyes. He didn't want them to lose him like he'd lost his dad. Logan tore open more than just one wound but a decades old one that was breaking her heart.
"We're going to be okay." Carol assured. "All of us." Carol stressed her words.
He hummed but didn't say anything. Carol pressed closer to him and felt his grip tighten on her hand when she tried to drag his hand to her. He was resisting her and she smiled at his futile attempt. She won after a second and she felt his breathing hitch when she pressed his hand to her stomach. Her jacket was hanging open and forward shielding what she was doing if anyone was to look. His hand was on her bare stomach and she felt his fingers flex there.
"That's dirty, Carol." Daryl growled.
"You have to get your shit together." Carol's voice was sharp and low. "You're a good man. You're an amazing father." Her hand pressed him further into her stomach. Her heart was pounding. "He's young but he could be a big brother soon. He needs you, I need you, Mac, Merle, Liz, Sophia, and Ruby need you."
He nodded jerkily. It wasn't enough.
"This." Pressing his hand tighter to her stomach. "This kid will need you." His eyes snapped up to hers. "Get your head in the game Dixon because you don't get to die today. No one does. We have shit to do."
Daryl gave a half smile that made her heart flutter.
"Wake his ass up we're almost there." Merle interrupted. He turned and glared. "What the fuck are you two whispering about?"
"Just drive Merle." Daryl snapped.
Carol grinned and then shoved Mac awake. He grunted but set up. He glared at her and yawned. "You want to know the best way to wake a man?"
Carol pursed her lips. "I'm sure your brother can tell you I'm well aware already."
"Ew. The fuck!" Logan sneered flushing violently.
"You wanted to come along with us so bad- that means you don't get to complain." Merle laughed.
"If we want to talk about blow jobs we will." Mac chuckled. "Spitters are quitters after all."
Logan looked stricken.
"If they love you they swallow." Merle nodded.
"I'm sure Liz-"
"Stop." Daryl snapped.
Both men chuckled knowingly. It was obvious that they knew Daryl would shut them up but it was enough to have Logan so red faced he looked ready to walk home. Maybe they were torturing him for arguing with his dad. Good. He needed it. Logan grumbled but kept shifting. Daryl was idly dragging a knife under his nails ignoring everyone. Carol grinned and felt proud that the fog he'd been submerged in before was clearing. Everyone else seemed to notice and Merle winked at her. He gave her a look that told her he wasn't dropping whatever she was lying about. Merle was a dog with a bone.
