Take A Chance
Author; Nightstar Fury
Rated; M for Mature
Pairing; TallonXHector(ToothlessXHiccup)
Disclaimer; I do not own any of the HTTYD movies, or Dreamworks Dragons television series. I also don't own any of the songs I use. Everything belongs to it's original creator and artist! Enjoy the story! :)
54; Always There
Everything was perfect for everyone. Everyone was happy with how life was right now. The Haddock family was back to normal, being an actual true family,not just some act anymore. People were over what happened, Spencer was still mayor but he didn't know if he'd run again when his term ended. He wanted to just retire and enjoy family time. Heather was living with Freddie now, their own one bedroom apartment. Darius still lived at home but had plans to start living with Carmen as soon as they found something-they were also waiting for Carmen to finish school that year, she was graduating college in June. Skylar and Reina weren't living together but throwing around possible engagement-it was only talk for now but seemed pretty serious so everyone was waiting to see where that would go. Danielle and Trent were living together, Evan still living with Mia and Aiden. Mandy and Drew were actually living together and expecting a child in the next five months. Jessie and one of the girls from the Wolf platoon were dating, a girl named Ella Hayes. She lived pretty close to them-about fifteen minutes away and the two had met at the bowling alley on a guys night out, and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. They'd been dating two months now, having got together just after Thanksgiving. And of course, Tallon and Hector were still together, living together, and happier than ever. Everything was just amazing and perfect.
Hector and his Spencer finally had a father/son relationship-it was going well and that added to Hector's happiness. It was years later but he finally had the dad he always wanted. Hector's injury was fully healed, he barely got pain anymore but still too much pressure on it for extended time periods tended to hurt him a bit. All that aside he was able to resume all normal activity, no limits three weeks after being released from the hospital in October because his breathing was fine no matter what he did-they put his through an intense military stress test just to make sure but Hector pulled through like always with perfect scores. They were now in the month of February, Hector and Tallon were both twenty two years old and had come March, they would be in the military a total of five years, and they would of marked being together a full year too! They couldn't believe how much time had passed since they met, and went through all they did to end up where they were now, happy as ever. It did suck that drill weekend fell on Hector's birthday though, that's where they were too. At drill.
It was Sunday night, they'd just finished dinner and were moving back to the barracks to relax for the evening. They all dragged themselves there with their sore bodies aching, most of them just wanted to sleep. The entire weekend since they arrived had been an ambush situation, that forced them to hide in the forest for two days, fight back and reach base by Sunday afternoon. Of course they did it, and now just wanted to sleep to prepare for the drive back home tomorrow at 5am.
"Dear Gods...everything hurts," Skylar groaned.
"Seriously...I don't wanna move at all," Drew agreed nodding.
"How's Mandy doing?" Tallon asked.
"She's good. We've been working on getting the nursery ready-we find out the gender in a month." Drew smiled.
"What are ya hoping for?" Jessie asked with a smile.
"We want a girl but will be happy with a boy too, as long as it's healthy." Drew replied. They reached their barracks and all flopped to their beds to relax.
"That's all ya can hope for," Trent nodded. Hector closed his eyes with a yawn as Tallon crouched by his bedside and kissed him deeply, it took Hector by surprise but he kissed him back and blushed.
"Do you two have to do that in here?" the guys chuckled.
"At least we're only kissing in here and not doing anything else," Tallon retorted breaking the kiss.
"True. I'm so ready to go home..." Thaxter sighed as the others did the same in agreement. Drill was fun because they all got to get together but it was a hard three days of training to keep their skills sharp. The barrack door opened as Alex walked in with a nervous smile almost.
"Haddock. Need to see you lad," Alex stated calmly. Hector got up quickly, swinging his legs over the bed and getting to his feet-then walking towards Alex slowly.
"Yes, Major Holgerson?" Hector asked.
"Lieutenant Colonel now actually and...I'm being deployed back to Iraq. With Drake gone, they needed a new Battalion leader." Alex sighed.
"So we're all deploying again?" Skylar asked.
"No. Just me. This came for you," Alex said handing Hector the sealed letter and stepping back once.
"When do you leave, Lieutenant Colonel?" Tallon asked curiously as Hector was opening the letter.
"A week." he sighed some and looked at Hector who was reading over the letter silently, "What's it say, Captain?" Alex asked calmly.
"Deployment orders, to Afghanistan. We leave next month, unknown tour time right now-should be determined by the time we get there. We leave March 15th, 2021 at 2300 hours from Berk Airfield to Romania, then onto Kabul, Afghanistan. Looks like a eight or so hour flight, not including layovers and...Afghanistan is...four hours and thirty minutes ahead of the Archipelago time. That would mean...we land at Kabul International around...12:10pm-Afghanistan time." Hector stated calmly.
"Wait, who...will be in charge of Nightwave then? Alex was the Nightwave company leader-they can't just change that and give us someone new, can they?" said Troy Freeman.
Hector poured into his palm a new name tag that read 'Major H. Haddock' then two badges with the Major rank embroidered on them. "Looks like I'm the new company leader according to this," Hector stated as they all looked over at him. "According to what they said: we apologize for not doing this in person, things are quite hectic right now but on behalf of Archipelago Islands Military-we're pleased to promote you from the rank of Captain to Major as you will assume control over the Nightwave Company. In Afghanistan you will be stationed at MOB: Camp Lightning Strike-part of the Ember Fire Battalion, commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Caleb Steele. Congratulations, Major Haddock." Hector repeated off the letter. "Peyton and Vasquez are coming with us too, along with a new leader...for Wolf platoon since...Cody is gone..." Hector sighed, "Second Lieutenant Kerry Summers is her name," Hector lowered the paper to his side now.
"Hector...are you okay?" Tallon asked.
"Yeah, just great. Because watching forty eight people in just a platoon wasn't hard enough, now, I have to watch one hundred and forty four people..." Hector closed his eyes then walked past Alex and went outside the barrack-he got one of his cigarettes and lit it while leaning against the front of the barrack trying to relax.
"Lieutenant Furysen..." Alex said calmly as Tallon looked at him, "I think before you all ship out again, you try to talk Hector into talking to someone. And going for an eval," he suggested.
"You think he needs it?" Tallon asked.
"When you look at the bigger picture of where he started five years ago...Nightwave does not have the same people is used to. Many have passed on, some of which who Hector was very good friends with. You have to look at it as...if he lost one of Inferno. If any of you were to be killed in action, Hector, I don't believe would be able to handle something like that. Some of the deaths within just the Dragon platoon alone have hurt him pretty deeply. I know losing Cody did, being reminded of it does spark up a certain...anger and withdrawal from the topic. Now he's been promoted to a rank that commands a very large group of people, all of which he would blame himself for if anyone else died." Alex said.
"But I don't...think he needs an eval sir. He's...past all that. Cody was like a father to him, and the words they shared before Cody's passing were very heartfelt-something he'll never forget. Especially since at the time the words were spoken, Hector and his own father weren't on good terms," Tallon stated.
"I know it isn't what you want to hear, Tallon. But you also have to consider that Hector does have a past with depression, where he admitted to at one time or another-wanting to kill himself to escape the pain brought on by the neglect of his parents, family, and bullies. Granted those things have changed and he is a great deal happier...with a responsibility this high, it can take it's toll on even the strongest of men who have seen death for ten or twenty years in this job. As a soldier who has seen a lot myself...I just feel it would be beneficial to make sure he's alright, in here..." Alex said pointing to his head now. "I wasn't in the best shape losing Cody and Drake, I've known them, fought alongside them since I joined as a mere teenager myself. I actually took a three week leave of absence to get my head in order. Hector is scared and I just don't want to see that fear bring him back to a dark place, I don't want to see it destroy him..."
"You think that this could trigger his depression again, don't you?" Darius asked. Alex nodded.
"But he's...past all that. He's said that he's okay," Thaxter said.
"You have to consider that no one knew of his depression for a long time. Although it was always there, no one saw it. It got to a point where he felt no one cared about him. Pain isn't just physical, it emotional too. And with depression, it never truly goes away. Can you as his boyfriend, Tallon, look him in the eyes when he says he's okay right now and believe him?" Alex asked.
"Perhaps fifteen minutes ago I could have, but no, not right now I can't." Tallon replied.
"What do you mean it...never goes away. Are you saying that he's...still depressed and hiding it?" Jessie questioned.
"Depression can be very complex if you don't understand it. Hector has had depression for awhile-not sure when it started. But if it reached a level where he contemplated suicide, then it's a type that never goes away. It just shifts according to situations in his life. Back then: he didn't have friends, he didn't have a family who cared about him, he was hurt physically, emotionally, mentally. Things were told to him that he began to believe about himself. Those are things that stay with him-even if he doesn't feel that way anymore, he felt it at one point and he'll never forget. All those things may have been in the past and he's okay now, but he hasn't forgotten and as you know...the past makes you who you are, that means, it's always a part of you no matter what. I don't think he's hiding it, it's just controlled right now." Alex answered.
"So is he okay or not?" Skylar asked.
"That's not something I can give you. Only Hector knows if he's okay because depression is a constant battle with yourself. Like I said, Hector's seems to trigger according to his life. Joining the military seemed to change his life for the better because it got him away from the things that made him upset. The military life gave him friends, a family-things he never had. His life changed so the severity of the depression did too but you saw how changes in the life can affect someone. Losing Cody, that hit him pretty hard. Losing someone who was like a father to you and saw you as a son?" Alex stated.
"He's right. After the fight with his father and we were staying at the motel room, Hector admitted to us of Inferno that he needed a distraction before he lost it and slipped back into a place he didn't want to go back too," Tallon sighed.
"Exactly. His depression will never go away no matter what because life always changes. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. He's been okay for a while, happy with how things are but when deaths occurred-I'm sure you noticed the slight deterioration of his moods. He said it himself: because watching forty eight people wasn't hard enough, now, I have to watch one hundred and forty four. He's scared." Alex sighed a bit.
"Scared of what though. He's human, it's...not something you always have control over." Trent mentioned.
"The fear to let someone down, to disappoint. The fear to watch another brother or sister die. The fear of being powerless, useless, weak. The fear of failure. Too much pain of loss, or fear can trigger his depression again if he starts to those things again. He said it that day at his parents' house to that girl who hurt him. What she did wasn't enough to trigger his depression again and if the aim was to get him to kill himself than he was sorry to disappoint but it won't work because he's stronger than he used to be. But that also within itself means what she did wasn't enough-something else worse than that can. Just make sure he's okay before going back to war. He's stressed out, worried, scared and if that piles up-then his depression is gonna come looking for a fight with him," Alex explained.
"And you're worried that it's a fight he might not be able to win?" Darius asked next.
"If he starts believing his fears like he used to believe the words he was told about himself before the military, then yes. He admitted to it. That those things almost drove him to kill himself, but he joined the military instead to change his life. But the military-while it may have changed a lot of his life to joy because he has family, friends, and more...it also can make it very dark for him because of all the loss that occurs. Especially if it's a loss he takes personally or blames himself for. When commanding so many, that is a chance that skyrockets. You saw him the day he yelled at that reporter-that is a clear sign alone. When he said that her being there could have screwed his mission, and gotten more people hurt or someone could have died and that his troop's lives were more important than her story," Alex reminded.
"Yeah, we remember that day...I didn't see anger, I saw fear that came off as anger. He was scared to lose people then and that was only three months into that tour..." Evan said.
"I think the depression is pretty clear, he just has an outlet for it. Not sure what that is though, people find different ways to let those emotions run without hurting themselves," Drew stated.
"He's got a point. Hector doesn't hurt himself physically-no cutting or anything," Tallon nodded agreeing. The barrack fell quiet for a few moments.
"Does anyone else hear...music playing?" Ryan asked curiously. They continued to listen, it was really close by.
"That's Hector's guitar, I know the style of music anywhere!" Tallon said rushing out of the barrack and the others followed as well. Getting outside they saw him leaning against the barrack playing on his guitar, a notebook resting in the grass, his laptop aside that. "Babe?" Tallon asked.
"Hey baby," Hector smiled lightly.
"What are you doing out here in the dark?" he asked sitting beside him.
"Got the urge to write lyrics so I walked to the truck and got my stuff," Hector shrugged a bit.
"You could have come inside, it's freezing outside right now..." Tallon smiled a bit.
"It's okay...I don't feel it anyway. Besides, you seemed like you were all having a fun conversation about me and my depression," Hector stated keeping his eyes down on his guitar. Tallon felt bad now, they were essentially talking about him behind his back. That probably didn't feel good for Hector considering that was what he used to deal with when the others were his bullies in high school.
"I'm sorry babe, we're...just worried about you. Your mood changed so suddenly after finding out you were going to be leading Nightwave. Are you mad?" Tallon asked.
"Not really. It's not like any of what was said was untrue," Hector didn't look over at him or the others standing there.
"So you are...still depressed?" Darius asked slowly.
"Never claimed I wasn't. I suffered years of mental and emotional pain, some physical too. It's not going to just disappear, or fade. Alex wasn't far from the truth-enough shit can pull it back anytime or stress. I just know how to deal with it so it doesn't take over..." Hector stated.
"You don't...hurt yourself right?" Alex asked.
"Nope. I got another method that works pretty good," Hector smiled now.
"And that would be?" Jessie asked.
"You're looking right at it," Hector chuckled a bit as he motioned to the guitar.
"The guitar?" Skylar blinked.
"The music. Writing lyrics, making the music, singing...it's my outlet for the pain when it sparks up. I don't control when it does, it just happens-ya know? Ten to one, I just get the guitar and start working on something to distract me, thinking about something else, push it back." Hector explained.
"So that's...why some of your music is really depressing? Because the lyrics are how you feel, aren't they?" Tallon asked as Hector nodded.
"Mmhm. Good way to get it out right? It's worked for years," Hector replied.
"And...how long have you been depressed for. It's not professionally diagnosed, is it?" Alex questioned.
"No, it's not. Self diagnosed-if I ever went to a doctor for it, people start wondering why the mayor's son was being treated for Bipolar Depression or used to known as Manic Depressive, some shit like that. I don't remember, been a long time since I looked it up," Hector answered.
"You didn't...answer the first question there lad. How long have you had depression?" Alex said again, calmer.
"Nine years," he said continued to pluck at the strings on his guitar.
"And why didn't you ever tell Mom or Dad?" Darius sat down on the other side of him.
"Just went over that. Wouldn't look good for the role model family of Berk to see depressed kid in the house. Call it me protecting his image way back then too. That's why I started learning music and instruments. First thing I ever learned to play was the guitar, acoustic. Then every time someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas...I'd ask for instrument and a something to help me learn to play them. When I started working at fifteen for Anthony at the auto shop, I saved my money for a laptop and that's when I started actually working on stuff, turning lyrics into full songs. First full song I ever made was that 'How Do You Get That Lonely' song, fifteen years old. Wrote it right after Astrid broke my heart the first time-the first time I seriously contemplated taking my own life because I was just so sick of everything," Hector told them.
"You didn't try anything though, right?" Tallon took his hand lightly.
"That's...a stretch..." Hector mumbled slightly as it fell quiet.
"You said you never tried to hurt yourself, Hector." Darius said quickly.
"When did I ever say that?" Hector looked at him now.
"When...you were training us, after you yelled at Skylar in this same barrack and were sitting outside with your friends. I was listening from the door when Tallon asked if you ever tried to cut yourself. You said you got close but never went through with it..." Darius reminded him.
"That's true. I've never cut myself or tried too. But I never said I didn't attempt to take my own life when I was fifteen," Hector put his guitar down in the case as he got up and moved away from them, Tallon got up and put his hands on his shoulders gently turning him so they'd be facing one another.
"What did you try to do babe, please tell me?" Tallon asked lightly.
"I just...go so sick of everything. It was the day that Astrid and the others humiliated me, the one I had Mom come get from school because I said I was sick...I was home by myself after she went back to work. I must of cried for an hour about how sick of everything I was...I just wanted it to stop. The suicidal thoughts started-thinking no one would care, no one would miss me. I...had never existed before so...killing myself would just...make that true. I just wanted to do something easy: no mess to clean up, no pain...I just wanted to go to sleep and stop breathing," Hector looked away.
"Hector...what did you do?" Tallon asked with fear in his voice.
"I tried...to overdose on my mother's sleeping pills-I...don't remember how many I took a handful of them at least. I laid down on my bed and just waited. It was working, I remember getting really tired, numb, and my vision going in and out. My mouth got dry, my body felt like a pile of bricks...I didn't feel anything-I heard the music I was listening to get distant from me, sounded like an echo...my throat started closing, I remember barely being able to breathe...and then, I just started crying again I had...flashes of my grandparents, Gobber, Anthony...people who had actually been there for me. I-I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop...something told me to hold on because it would get better one day so, I forced myself to move so I could...get it out of my system," Hector looked down now.
"You...started throwing up, didn't you? Is that why you were so sick that night? Mom said you were sick because she got you from school but you were like wicked sick, Hector...we were honestly getting ready to take you to the hospital because you threw up for hours," Darius scrambled to his feet quickly.
"I stuck my fingers down my throat and forced myself to throw up. Yes, Darius, that is why I was so sick that night. Because I was getting the pills out of my system. I threw up everything I could, tried to drink water, and then kept myself awake all night so I wouldn't knock unconscious and die. I didn't sleep until I knew I could without dying...and ever...since then...I just...started writing songs...to cope with the pain. It became...my outlet, the only one I had and...still have. Whenever I feel stressed, or upset, depressed...I start working on music to express how I feel and then...I guess sing it out until I feel better." Hector said now.
"So, that's why you didn't like crowds. It wasn't crowds you were afraid of, it was being judged about your music because it expressed how you felt. And all the times we see you working on music, it's...because you're upset, isn't it?" Drew asked.
"Not...all the time. I do it for fun too...but yeah, majority of the time it's because I'm deep in thought or need a distraction from thinking about the past. Guess it'll never really be gone-it's...part of who I am,"
"If you EVER feel that way again...you tell me. Do you understand, Hector? Swear it to me on your life, on my life...whatever you have to that you would never go back on. Swear to me that if you ever feel like killing yourself again, you will tell me. Please...please swear it," Tallon pleaded softly and hugged Hector tightly who only embraced him back trying not to cry.
"I swear I'll tell you if I ever feel that way again," Hector told him.
"Good...good..." Tallon breathed out holding him still. "I may not of known you back then, but you have me now and I will always be here for you..."
"Thank you," Hector cried a bit. Tallon cupped his cheeks after the hug and kissed him deeply.
"I love you, Hector. It's okay...you don't need to cry. We will always be there for you when you need us, especially me." Tallon said gently when the kiss ended.
"I can't help it...if...I had died that night...I wouldn't...have all I do now...I wouldn't...be this happy." Hector held onto him still.
"But you are here. You didn't die, something made you stop and look where it brought you. Surrounded by family and friends who will never leave your side, for anything." Tallon smiled to him.
"I love you so much," Hector replied wiping his eyes. They kissed again and stayed in the embrace awhile longer before gathering Hector's things and bringing them inside since thunder rolled and lightning cracked through the sky-this signaled an incoming storm. Hector informed the other barracks about the deployment news and then returned to his own barrack, lying in Tallon's arms on the bottom bunk-cuddling against him lovingly. Around 8:30pm, he fell asleep and Tallon actually stayed in the bed with him but didn't fall asleep right away. He found things out tonight he didn't know about before-that Hector actually did try and kill himself, that he almost succeeded too but something made him change his mind and now music was the outlet for him. Tallon was glad he had something to help him but Tallon also made sure that Hector knew tonight, that he would always have someone to talk to, turn to. No matter what-he would always be there.
