57 Cogburn

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway

It was very disconcerting to have a golem walking alongside a Qunari and discussing the ways of the Qun, the noble rogue decided. Shale didn't have much memory of life before Honnleath though she'd mentioned her former master had told her the drarves stopped creating golems centuries ago so she was much older than the rest of them.

Maddie had talked a great deal with the golem as they'd made camp and at dinner had given her twin a huge grin. "Shale has pointed out that it doesn't need to sleep so it would be happy to supplement the watch schedule."

"It's unwise to place all our safety in only one person." Sten pointed out as he ate his stew his eyes still watchfully upon the road.

"Which is why I said supplement, not replace." Maddie replied quietly. She handed Alistair his bowl and looked at her twin. "I told Shale I would pass the offer on to you two."

"I don't see what the harm is." Cogburn shook his head as he dipped up a spoonful of stew. He slanted a glance at his twin and noticed she had sent a hard glare at Wynne. Thoughtfully the young man looked at Morrigan and then at Alistair. His witch seemed a bit more irritated than usual, her green eyes flickered over Maddie with a sympathetic gleam.

Alistair nodded his agreement. "Better to have two sets of eyes rather than one." His eyes met Cogburn's and he held out the copper piece they used for the coin toss that determined their watch schedules.

Cogburn couldn't help grinning at the knight. "I think you'll feel better if you actually toss the coin, rather than me, Alistair," he told the other man.

"Well you and I won last night so tonight we're only tossing to find out which shift we have in the middle of the night." Alistair shrugged.

The noble born male chuckled. "Well I think it's safe to say we won't like either." He applied himself to his stew, watching his companions as they discussed the inevitability of the trek eastward and the best routes. True to her nature, his twin had prepared several options and the routes and their potential for disaster were discussed ad nauseaum. By the time a decision had been made everyone was ready to retire for the evening.


Cogburn groaned as he stumbled out of Morrigan's tent, it felt like he'd just gone to sleep. One more reason he hated middle of the night watches. Maddie was making a slow circle of camp, he could hear his twin walking carefully on the perimeter, employing all her arts to go unseen and unheard as she remained out of the firelight. Meeting her half way to Shale's stationary position the man wasn't surprised to see his twin's dagger drawn and a hand on the hilt of her sword. "Good night for an ambush, no moon, precious little starlight," was the greeting she gave him.

"Yeah, I'm really glad we decided to go to Honnleath, though I still think beating that self righteous mages' son would have been more enjoyable than bargaining." Cogburn grinned wickedly. "I take it everything has been quiet?"

Maddie nodded as they reentered the circle of firelight. "I'll stoke up the fire before I turn in," She offered. "It's been a long day."

"Tomorrow will be longer," her twin commented eyeing her shrewdly. "So are you going to tell me what's wrong now or will I have to get it out of you on the road while everyone is listening." Maddie shot him an exasperated look before she shrugged. "It's Wynne isn't it," Cogburn offered his theory.

"She…" Maddie angrily dashed at her eyes and squeezed them tightly shut. "I shouldn't let her get to me."

"No, you shouldn't, but since you're clearly more soft-hearted than I am, she has been." Cogburn pointed out shaking his head. "She tried to get in between Morrigan and me. She didn't have any trouble with me screwing Leliana, but when I seemed to get serious about Morrigan, that old hag started to run her mouth."

Maddie's husky voice was darker with unshed tears. "She made the point that I might have to choose between Alistair and stopping the Blight," the grey eyed girl told her brother quietly. "That Grey Wardens serve others, that I have a responsibility…"

"In short, nothing you don't already know; nothing you haven't heard from the time we were walking." Cogburn sent a black look at Wynne's tent.

"Still not easy to hear." Her whisper was obviously pained.

"She conveniently forgets that you and Alistair aren't the only two Grey Warden's in Ferelden." He kept his voice low with an effort. "Do you think I would ever let you have to make that choice?" He asked his twin fiercely. "We need our future king. And the future king needs you." He finally said what he'd been thinking ever since Morrigan had posited the idea. "If there is a sacrifice to be made, let me make it."

"How could I do that to Morrigan?" Maddie asked him folding her arms. "How could I put my happiness above hers, above yours?"

"What makes you think you'll be making the choice?" Cogburn retorted. "You charm people Maddie, you talk them round to your way of thinking. I charm people too but I tend to manipulate them more. I'm pretty sure I could maneuver a Landsmeet and Alistair into claiming you as his queen. And I can damn sure manipulate Alistair into sacrificing me rather than you. He loves you. Given any choice, he'd rather save you than me. I'm his friend, but you're his heart."

"And what would that do to him?" Maddie's head bowed and her shoulders shook with repressed sobs. "To sacrifice his friend, my twin, rather than lose me? He'd blame himself for the rest of his life."

Cogburn took a deep breath and roughly pulled his twin into his arms. "Alistair has learned a lot about the nature of sacrifice since Ostagar." He muttered into her ear. "He's like gold, your love, you can bend it, dent it, but you can't change its nature. It doesn't tarnish or rot away. You are his heart now. He lost his father at Ostagar, he lost his brother, but he found you. And you found a man who saw that you're worth more than a title or a pretty face. If I have anything to say about it he'll have you for the rest of his life. We, none of us, know what's to come, maybe we're worrying for nothing."

She didn't say anything, but she shuddered in his arms and he knew Maddie was taking those deep harsh breaths that kept her from weeping. He held her a while longer and then held her by the shoulders at arms length. "Go on to bed and hold onto him little twin." Cogburn advised quietly, "Just as I cling to her each night. Give him something else to fight for." Maddie nodded and with a sigh turned her head towards the tent she shared with Alistair. A tiny smile curved her lips and Cogburn could tell she was simply thinking about Maric's bastard son. Turning her by the shoulders and facing his slender twin towards the tent Cogburn gave her a shove. "Get some rest." He commanded. "I'll be making the rounds."

She didn't reply just threw a few more logs on the fire and nodded at him before she moved towards the tent. She didn't remove her armor outside of it; for all Cogburn knew when the watches were split she might not bother to take her armor off. The rogue shrugged to himself and began to make his way towards the edge of the camp.


Cogburn was ready to fall over with exhaustion by the time his shift was over. Fury at Wynne and concern for his sister had fueled him for the first half of his watch. But those selfsame emotions also tended to exhaust him, one more reason why he tried not to get too worked up over things he couldn't change, there being very few exceptions.

When Alistair emerged from the tent, boots in hand the rogue was so tired he could have happily kissed the knight and then keeled over. The knight simply looked at the male Cousland and frowned thoughtfully. It was an expression few people recognized when on Alistair's face, a subtle narrowing of his eyes, a slant to his mouth that could be mistaken for a sardonic grin. It was the eyes that gave it away to the Cousland twins. Raised among nobility, people who lied in a thousand ways for a million reasons, they'd grown adept at sorting truth from falsehood in both word and expression. Alistair was childs play to read in comparison to Howe and Loren.

"You're bloody exhausted." Alistair observed finally. "This have something to do with what's bothering Maddie?"

Cogburn nodded tiredly and threw another log on the fire. "Wynne," He said shortly.

"What'd she say to Maddie?" Alistair's tone conveyed the impression that the circle mage had already said something to him.

"What did she say to you?" Cogburn returned.

"That I had a duty to my people, to Ferelden and to the world, to keep my 'priorities' straight." Alistair waved a gauntleted hand in a gesture encompassing the camp and Maddie.

"Well she told Maddie something along the lines of choosing between saving you and ending the Blight, and how Grey Wardens are servants of the people." The rogue ran a hand over his shaved head and absently reminded himself to shave again the next day. "As if my twin doesn't already know that."

"Like she hasn't known that since you were both in nappies." Alistair seconded Cogburn's opinion. He shook his head. "You know I'll see to it that she doesn't have to make that choice right? I'm not much of a leader, but I could be a damn good sacrifice if need be."

Cogburn felt anger burning through his veins again. "What makes you think I'll give you that chance?" His words were nearly a hiss. "Break her heart one way or break it the other? Do you think sacrificing yourself will help her? When she'll have to live without you? Bad enough you'll only have thirty years together, but to not have even that? And what started all this talk of sacrifice anyway? Who says we're going to die?"

"I just have this feeling…a Blight isn't easily ended. And if someone has to die…" The knight shook his head. "You don't understand," Alistair said in a quiet voice. "I just can't imagine a world without her in it. They're forcing me to be king. They'll force us apart so I can make some political marriage. And even if they allowed us to remain together, they'd tear us apart when they learn that its hard enough for one Grey Warden to have a child, but for two to have a child together…"

"What?" Cogburn frowned and stared at the knight. "What are you talking about?"

"The Taint, it…" Alistair sighed. "I don't know of any Grey Warden that has had children after joining the Order." He kept his voice as low as possible. "I know you and Maddie weren't given a choice and I don't know if she wanted children, but… it's just one more price we pay. We save the world from Darkspawn, from the Blight, but by doing so we give up our future in every way." His voice was nearly broken. "I thought it was worth it. Part of me still does," He took a deep breath.

"But now, with her…" Cogburn sighed and shook his head.

"I would give anything to give your sister a child if she wanted it." Alistair whispered. "I'd give anything to make her my wife. Thirty years would be enough for a lifetime if it was with her."

Cogburn sighed. "Let's worry about the throne part and then the wife part and the child part after that, all right?" He scrubbed his hands over his face. "And as for sacrificing yourself, you two aren't the only Grey Wardens. And you're not the only one who wants her alive. I've been the spare all my life. It's about time I was good for something. If it's even called for."

"The spare?" Alistair blinked. "I'm sorry, is that a noble thing?"

"Yeah," Cogburn grinned at him, aware his expression was lopsided. "Nobles have an heir, preferably a son, and then they have a spare, in case something happens to the heir. And they have daughters to marry off for alliance."

"But…" The other Grey Warden was obviously confused.

"Yeah, Maddie," her twin chuckled dryly. "Women can hold titles, hold lands, but you know damn well men prefer they don't. Though our parents were definitely of the idea that capability mattered more than gender, so really of the two of us Maddie was the spare."

"The whole thought is demeaning to the both of you." Alistair was scowling.

"Well our parents were never like that. But that was how the rest of Ferelden saw us twins. Might be why Mother and Father never did tell us which was born first." Cogburn sighed. "I'm sorry Alistair, but I've got to get some sleep. If you like we can talk more about this in the morning."

"No, it's all right." Alistair shook his head. "I've got the idea. I don't like it, but if it keeps her alive…"

"Yeah," the other man sighed. "She's been acting like the responsible one all our lives. Maybe I'd just like the chance to…take care of her. Let her have a life…and as much as she can, a life with you." He began to stride quietly towards Morrigan's tent, exhaustion weighing his steps so much that they could almost be heard.

Unbeknownst to the Knight and rogues, Morrigan slept very lightly, always attuned for voices in the dark. The witch closed her eyes as Cogburn carefully entered her tent. The nobleman pulled off his armor almost soundlessly and slid into the quilts, gathering the seemingly sleeping witch in his arms. "I'm going to keep everyone I love alive, at least everyone that's left," The rogue muttered against her hair. "If I have to get killed to do so; so be it."

TBC


Author's Note: So a little foreshadowing there. I really didn't like the idea of my Grey Warden's being completely blindsided by the idea that in order to defeat a Blight someone has to die. All three of them are maturing rapidly, as soldiers will in times of war, and along with Wynne trying to prod them I thought it appropriate that they start to figure out that happily ever after isn't guaranteed. That sacrifices might have to be made.

I'm not saying Cogburn has a deathwish but the boy has been fairly immature for a lot of his life. I liked the idea that part of his growing up was figuring out what was important to him, that he wants happiness for his twin. He really loves Morrigan wants to keep all the people he cares about alive because he and Maddie lost everything when Highever fell. As far as he and Maddie know they're the last Couslands and after they're gone the name will die out. That's a terrible thought for people who were raised to beleive in duty to their family and people before themselves.

So if he can keep Maddie alive, he can keep the Cousland name alive as well. Multiple motivations here but Cogburn had to grow up some time right?