Chaoji and the Ghost – Failure

It was the best time of year once again! Snow, cookies, fat guys and chimneys, talking snowmen, and Krampus beating up German kids! The Order was, once again, celebrating this time joyfully, hanging up decorations and baking continuously. There was only one member who was moping around.

"HAMBUG!" Chaoji screeched, unable to avoid adding food into the phrase.

"What's wrong with him?" Allen whispered to Kanda as he set up a manger scene.

Kanda crinkled his nose in disgust. "Well, to start with, he smells worse than a goddamned reindeer-"

Lavi cut him off, adding in, "If Chaoji had been alive 1,800 years ago, I bet God wouldn't have had to bother with the star! The wise men and shepherds could've used Chaoji's ass as a beacon!"

"I could care less how that moron feels," Kanda snapped. "Just leave him to mope in his corner."

Chaoji couldn't fit into a corner, so he was moping up against a wall. Spotting a chocolate Santa, he snatched it and tore off the wrapper with his teeth. With a homicidal glint in his eyes, he savagely gnawed off its head.

Lenalee watched him in terror, a memory flashing before her eyes. "Last Christmas, Chaoji didn't get any chocolate, remember?"

"Well, he didn't get coal, either," Allen pointed, frowning at Chaoji's greediness.

Kanda let out a sharp laugh. "Che! If he received coal, I'd use it to set his blubbery ass on fire."

"That's another thing!" Lavi began again. "Who needs advent candles? There's enough of Chaoji to last four weeks of burning, right?"

The exorcists left Chaoji to sulk, not wanting to bother with him. The Fat Ass began to eat more and more, having no other way to cure his depression.

By the time the exorcists were done decorating, Chaoji had consumed too much sugar and entered a coma (or something).

"What should we do now?" Lenalee asked, staring at the inactive hump of blubber on the other side of the room.

"Should we push him off a cliff?" Lavi suggested.

Kanda frowned. "Tried it already."

"Stuff him in a closet?"

"He wouldn't fit."

"Drop him in the lake?"

"How the hell are we supposed to carry him out of the Order?"

Figuring it was enough that he was silent, they let him be, placing CAUTION tape around the room so that no one stumbled into his makeshift room. There was a rumor that Chaoji ate finders when he sleepwalked.

In his coma-like sleep, Chaoji was prancing through a garden, but not one made of revolting heresies like carrots and lettuce – this one was made of peanut butter streams and chocolate trees. He rolled through the sugar patches, overwhelmed by the Utopia around him.

Out from behind a coconut flower stepped a man Chaoji had never met, bound by chains of liquorice. Chaoji glanced up at him in horror.

"WHO ARE YOU?" he cried out. "Are you here to steal my candy? There's a commandment about that, you know! Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's candy!"

"Chaoji," the man began, "you may not know me, but I know you." He crinkled his nose in disgust, silently thinking how unfortunate he was.

"Are you my mom?" Chaoji asked hopefully.

"I'm Daisya," he responded, ignoring the question. "I'm back from my grave to warn you of what's to come."

"Your grave?" Chaoji didn't know who this man was, but graves scared him, nearly as much as the d-word. You know…diets

He sighed, wishing to get the meeting over with as quickly as possible. "I was Kanda and Noise's partner before I died, and you came along."

Chaoji frowned. "So, you're the other brother, eh?" he spat jealously. "Well, I replaced you, and Kanda loves me and I disowned Noise and Tiedoll told me I'm special and that I'm one of a kind, and that I stand out from a crowd and I draw pretty with crayons and make cool Play-Doh toys and I'm good at reciting the ABCs and I hate devils, so there!"

Daisya had lost him after the first question, and continued on without trying to figure it out. "Chaoji, you've been a bad boy this year. You've been selfish, piggish, greedy, ugly, rude, controlling, obnoxious, and conceited."

All those words were too big for Chaoji to understand, so he asked, "Does that mean I get chocolate this year?"

"It means you'll be visited by three ghosts," Daisya answered in a hurried tone. He was anxious to leave as soon as he could. "They'll show you the light."

Chaoji still didn't understand. "But I already have light," he pointed out, gesturing to the yellow Skittle that represented the sun, which was shining overhead. Marshmallow clouds passed by it lazily.

"Chaoji, you don't understand," he sighed. "See these liquorice chains? These are heavy things, you know. If you eat too much, you'll soon be weighed down, just as I am, and then you won't be able to move anymore."

Not moving sounded good to Chaoji. He could just sit and eat all day. An image of Kanda and Lenalee waiting on him, bringing him food constantly throughout the tray on silver (and edible) trays flashed through his mind. "And your point is?"

"Perhaps the other ghosts can explain it to you," he groaned, fading away. "I wish you luck, Chaoji…for the sake of Kanda and Noise…"

Chaoji sat alone in his field of candy, already having forgotten his conversation with Daisya. There were more important things for him to deal with at the moment. Such as finding a way to eat the sun.

Failure.