AN: Everyone loves a good crackfic. So here we go.
"Mar?" Sirius called up into the girls' dormitories. "Mars, are you going to Hogsmeade or not?"
"Just a second," his girlfriend called back. "I'll be right down."
A few moments later, a black-haired girl slid to a stop at his feet.
"Excuse me," he said politely, and shifted his position so that the girl could pass. However, she stood up and looked at him expectantly, as if waiting for something.
"Let's go, then!" she said impatiently.
Sirius nearly jumped in shock. He knew that voice! Looking into the girl's face, his suspicion was confirmed. No one else's eyes have that exact shade of blue.
"M-Marlene?" he whispered.
"Yes, that's my name. Let's get going now. I don't want to keep the others waiting."
"What the blazes did you do to your face?"
Marlene fluffed her new, spiky black hair, pouting—Sirius noted that she had gotten a lip, nose, and an eyelid ring—and batting her heavily made-up lashes. "You don't like it? It's a Muggle thing called Goth."
"No! You look terrible!" Sirius gagged. "Please lose the piercings, and change your hair back into blonde, and wipe the bloody black stuff off—"
"Very supportive, aren't you?" she huffed, storming past him into the common room. Everyone stared and whispered, and a giggle here and there broke out. Sirius wanted to die. His reputation was forever ruined.
"What the hell did you do to your face?" Lily gasped upon seeing her best friend's new getup.
"Thank you, Evans," Sirius cried, shaking her by the shoulders. "Knock some sense into her, would you?"
"Oi, hands off my girl," James growled then stumbled backwards. "Marlene? Is that you?"
"Why are you guys all so mean?" she wailed, tears washing out streaks of makeup on her face, making her look even scarier than before. "I just wanted to try something new!"
Sirius looked at James. James looked at Lily. Lily looked at Marlene, who was sobbing on the lawn. They looked at each other. Then, by some tacit, unanimous agreement, the three of them left their friend on the grass and raced into Hogsmeade.
"Let go of me!" Marlene screeched, struggling in Sirius' arms.
"Marlene McKinnon," he growled through clenched teeth. "We are bloody trying to help you. Now stay still!"
Lily attacked her face with a wet sponge. A thick layer of makeup peeled off and Lily dunked a second sponge into a bucket of water and proceeded to the other side of her face.
James took out all the piercings using his wand and healed the holes it left behind. Then he returned her hair back into the normal shade of blonde.
Sirius was left with the impossible task of keep Marlene on the ground and not kicking or punching one of her friends in the face. With no other options, he kissed her.
"Eurgh!" Lily jumped back, slopping water everywhere. "Next time you decide to jam your face onto your girlfriend's, at least let me know!"
"Shut up and tie her ankles and arms!" he broke away long enough to get that out. "Bloody hell, this lipstick tastes terrible." Then he dove down again, buying James just enough time to conjure a length of rope and bind her arms and legs together.
"You can come up now, mate," James wrinkled his nose. Sirius rolled off, wiping his mouth on a sponge. A black smudge came off his lips.
Marlene, restored to the normal herself, lay limply on the ground, breathing heavily.
"Marlene?" Lily asked cautiously, bending over her. "You all right?"
An eye cracked open, glaring up at her. Only it was no longer dark blue. Instead, the corneas were a clear turquoise. Her hair turned back into black with dark red streaks, and a spiky leather choker appeared around her throat. Her jacket and jeans changed into a lacy corset with a short miniskirt and ripped fishnets and studded combat boots.
"Marlene?" Lily stuttered. "What the—"
"Hai," the new monstrosity said. "mah nayme iz Enoby dr'knss demntia Rraven Way nd i hve come to nme hogwats da knew maru su land"
"RUN!" Sirius screamed as the zombie of his girlfriend rose on tottering legs and stumbled towards them.
"Someone changed Marlene into this!" James yelled as they sprinted.
"No SHIT!" Lily panted, looking over her shoulder. "And—HOLY MERLIN THAT'S FUCKING SCARY!"
The boys turned to see Enoby making out keenly against a tree in the Forbidden Forest—huh? They were in Hogsmeade!—with a blonde boy that distinctively resembled Lucius Malfoy. Then the boy took off her leather bra and inserted his you-know-what into Ebonnie's you-know-what and they did you-know-what for the first time. Then Enobi lost her virility.
"HOLY MOTHER LOAD THAT MURDERED MY EYES!" James shrieked.
"HOLY FATHER LOAD MY GIRLFRIEND IS HAVING YOU-KNOW-WHAT WITH A MALFOY!" Sirius roared, outraged.
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! AND STOP SPEAKING IN ENOBY LANGUAGE, SIRIUS!" Lily yelled. "RUN FORREST RUN!"
"WHO THE HELL IS FORREST?" James asked. "YOU AREN'T CHEATING ON ME WITH HIM, ARE YOU?"
"SHE'S CATCHING UP! IN A BLOODY FLYING CAR!" Sure enough, a black Ford Anglia with the car plate 666 landed on top of the three.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" James howled.
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Lily guffawed.
"YO MOMMA!" Sirius giggled.
Then the car crushed them. Those were the last words of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Lily Evans.
AN: CRAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Sorry Marisa, I turned your dare into pure CRAAAAAAAACK!
Note: If you haven't read My Immortal, or watched that movie where the only line I remember is RUN FORREST RUN and if you don't live in America, you won't get many of these references. And that, my friend, is a very good thing. Take pride in your innocence.
Another note: the spelling and capitalization errors (of when Enoby speaks) were on purpose. I actually edited this chapter because I though it was too...good for someone like her.
