Chapter 54
Hope stirred from her impromptu nap when a soft kiss grazed her lips and her eyes popped open to find that sweet smile that made her day, every day.
'C-cam!' she stuttered, sitting up.
'Hey sweetie' he responded with a wide grin. 'Happy dreams?'
Suddenly, she was wide awake and from the frown appearing on her face, Cameron could well imagine the question that was on the tip of her tongue as she attempted to speak, regrettably without luck.
He took the chair by her bed and sat, leaning forward as he took her hand. 'It went really well. Your dad's agreed to go to therapy.'
Hope sighed in relief and her face lit up as she threw her arms around her fiancé's neck.
'And it's all thanks to you, baby. What did you say to him to get him to come?' he asked as he hugged her tightly.
She shrugged and although she seemed relieved, he could see her eyes were brimming with tears and he reached out to catch a wayward tear as it threatened to escape onto her cheek.
'Hey… don't cry. It's all good. Everything's going to be fine now, you'll see' he whispered tenderly.
'Dad?' she asked, telegraphing her question.
'He's alright. He was really shaken up at first and it was hard for him to hear what everyone had to say but I've got to give him credit, Hope, he sat there and took it all.'
Hope made a sad face, silently asking if her dad had been upset.
'Of course he was upset, he was… crying but not angry just really, really sad. I don't think he'd fully realized how people were feeling.'
'L-l-liam?'
'He did great. He was really nervous but he managed to read what he'd written. I think your dad was surprised to hear that Caitlin was worried that Social Services might remove her from the house.'
Hope nodded; she was relieved it was all over… well, at least the intervention was over. Now, was the hard part; they had to stand by her dad and help him through the next few days and weeks as best they could. She was frustrated by the fact there wasn't much she could do, considering she could only utter one or two words at a time.
As if he could read her mind, Cam stood and moved over next to her on the bed, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. 'Sweetie, you've done everything you can, now you need to think about yourself. Your dad is a grown man, he'll find a way to get through this.'
She looked up, her face strained, obviously unconvinced.
'All your dad wants is for you to get better. That's how you can help him right now' Cam explained.
'Home' she mumbled, under her breath.
'I know, sweetie, I know. You'll be home soon.'
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'That was one of the worst things I've ever been through' Elizabeth Burke said as she placed a cup of camomile tea in front of Mozzie.
'I thought I'd seen every side of Neal there was to see over the past thirty odd years but…' Mozzie said, his face sad. '… all I wanted to do was get up and hug him.'
Peter looked on and listened. That was pretty well how he'd been feeling too. Seeing Neal so broken and vulnerable was difficult to watch - and it was such an unusual state of affairs for the usually self-possessed ex-conman.
'So, what happens next?' Mozzie asked.
'Well, he's going to need us around him and we need to be there for him' El answered.
'And we will be… as long as he sticks with the program' Peter reminded her.
'Do you think Sara will let him come home?' El asked of her husband.
'I don't know' Peter admitted. 'Whatever happened the other night, it was… big and they may need to work through that, whatever it is before she lets him come home.'
Mozzie picked up his cup and took a sip, wincing as the tea burned the tip of his tongue. 'It'll be hard on Neal if he can't be with his family.'
Elizabeth turned to face Peter. 'Honey, he's going to be devastated!' she exclaimed.
'El! Stay out of it!' Peter warned. No one knew for certain what had transpired that night and why Sara had felt compelled to throw Neal out. It was none of their business - not that that made any difference to Elizabeth Burke.
'Why don't we invite him to stay here with us?' El asked. 'I just hate to think of him all alone in a sterile hotel room somewhere while he's trying to deal with all this.'
Peter seemed reticent, not wanting to meddle in Neal's affairs - well, at least no more than they already had. 'Let's just see what happens, okay?' he suggested.
El gave Mozzie a worried look; Neal had a rough road ahead and would need their support to pull through and she was determined to be there for him.
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Neal studied his wife's face as he waited for her response. He wanted nothing more than to come home, especially with the difficult days and weeks looming ahead. He could see the ambivalence in her eyes and more importantly, he understood why she might be hesitant, considering what had happened between them, less than forty-eight hours earlier.
Sara looked away briefly, a precursor to her response, which Neal probably wasn't going to like. Her eyes returned to his tortured face as she forced herself to answer.
'Honey… the decision you just made… to get treatment… well, it's a huge step forward and I'm so proud of you…' she began as she touched his cheek and held his gaze.
'But…' Neal said, his face crestfallen. Even he knew he was asking too much, too soon.
'I just think we have some things to work out first, don't you? I mean before we go back to living under the same roof. Neal, we can't pretend the other night didn't happen' Sara explained.
Neal put on a brave face, despite his disappointment. 'You're right' he said, his voice resolute and a dejected smile pasted on his face.
'Look, Marion's waiting for me. I'd better go' he said as he pulled away, disheartened.
'Neal… wait' Sara said, holding him back and forcing him to look at her again. 'Honey, we'll get through this… one day at a time.'
He nodded but his face remained sad; he was reaping what he'd sown with his reckless behavior over the past few months and he needed to cowboy up and take it like a man.
'It's okay… really' he said, forcing a smile. 'I understand.'
Sara felt her heart break at the sight of him, so disappointed and yet, she wouldn't be true to herself if she didn't let things play out as they should. There was no point in rushing things; when he finally came home, she wanted to be free of any bitterness she might still be feeling towards him and that meant taking the time to work things through, one step at a time.
'Caffrey….' she said as tears returned, unbidden. 'I love you. That's never gonna change.'
'I know… I know. I love you, too' he said as he touched her face briefly and turned to leave.
Sara watched him walk away, feet dragging and shoulders slumped in reaction to her response. She willed herself to keep her feet planted firmly on the ground rather than run after him and give in to his request. They would get there, eventually… just not yet.
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'Neal, I think you made an excellent decision today' Marion said as he took a seat in front of her, wringing his hands anxiously.
'Before we get started, do you need a drink?' she asked as his face grew incredulous.
'What?' Neal asked, stunned.
'Do you need a drink? When was the last time you had something to drink?' she insisted.
He couldn't quite believe what she'd asked him; this was some strange kind of therapy.
'Your body is used to regular doses of alcohol and your addiction counsellor will likely put you on a gradual detox program but I can see you're sweating and your hands are shaking… if we're going to have a meaningful conversation, you should probably have a drink first' Marion explained.
Neal looked down at his trembling hands and nodded, embarrassed. 'Yes…please' he whispered.
He watched as Marion walked over to the small fridge in the corner of her office where he knew she usually kept bottled water and juice and he watched in surprise as she pulled out a beer.
'Beer is the best choice for detox' she explained as she handed him the can. 'It has the lowest alcohol content and you can control the amount you're ingesting that way.'
'Okay' he said as he took a long swig. Neal had never been much of a beer drinker but years of hanging out with the likes of Peter Burke had given him a certain appreciation for high end beer.
'Thank you' he said as he finished downing his drink and set the empty can on the small table between them.
'Better?' she asked as Neal nodded.
'Tell me about the first time you remember drinking to excess' she asked as she settled in across from him.
'You mean, lately?' Neal asked, needing clarification.
Marion nodded. 'I think it was a couple of nights after Hope's accident. I hadn't been able to get any sleep and I took out a bottle of scotch someone had given me as a gift. After a couple of stiff belts, I was able to relax and I fell asleep.'
'What was keeping you from sleeping?' she asked.
'Just… reliving the accident. Over and over in my mind. The sounds mostly… that's the part that…' he said as he stared blankly into space.
'Tell me about it' she said.
'The accident?' Neal asked as he looked straight at her. It was something he worked so hard to forget and now, here she was, asking for details - details he'd just as soon permanently erase from his memory.
'It was a Thursday…' he began, his voice far away. 'Hope was home on study break and she'd come to the art school to help me teach a class.'
Marion sat in silence, waiting for him to continue.
A small smile graced Neal's lips as he recalled the events of that night. 'She was so excited. It was the day after her birthday and Cameron had proposed to her. I kept teasing her… like I always do and she kept pretending to get annoyed like she always does and… well, one of the kids seemed to have a crush on her and I kept teasing her about it…'
'We were still laughing about it when we stepped outside. The weather was horrible; the rain was cold and there were some icy patches….' he said, almost as if he were in a trance.
'She said something about was I sure I wanted to drive her all the way to Cameron's place in Flushing and I answered that I wasn't about to let her cab it all the way back there…'
He seemed to be reliving the horrible events minute by minute; his gaze becoming distant and the sound of his voice monotone as he continued. 'I walked out of the school first… the car was parked right across the street… and I turned back and called her Mrs. Armstrong… I was laughing, having fun at her expense and she was trying not to laugh but then… she was right under a street light and I could see her face change… she wasn't laughing anymore and I… I couldn't figure out why… she kept looking behind me at something and I… I didn't … it all happened so fast and yet, I can see it in slow motion, playing in my head…'
Neal stopped talking suddenly, seemingly unable to continue. His voice had grown shaky and Marion could sense he needed a break as the memories flooded back, vivid and painful.
'Neal?' she said as he suddenly looked back at her. 'Are you alright?'
He nodded, momentarily unable to speak.
'What happened next?'
Neal let out a slow breath and Marion watched as his eyes clouded over. 'Hope… she came towards me and she screamed and all of a sudden, she was pushing me, hard, and I was falling back, hitting the pavement…I still didn't know what was going on.'
He interrupted the narrative and stared at Marion, his face contorted. 'Why didn't I hear that car coming?' he asked as if she held the secret to what had been haunting him all this time. 'Why couldn't I stop it from happening? Why couldn't I keep her safe?'
His voice had grown louder and distressed and he began to cry, his hands covering his face as he gave in to the self loathing and doubts which had been hounding him since that fateful night.
Marion watched in silence, giving him a chance to let it out, to really feel what he needed to feel, without the benefit of alcohol to shroud his true emotions.
'What could you have done, Neal? How do you suppose you could have changed what happened that night?' she asked, hoping to help him come to terms with the unrealistic expectations he seemed to have of himself.
He shook his head. 'That's what I keep asking myself…' he whimpered. 'Over and over and over again, until I can't anymore and I need to make it all go away.'
'And that's when you reach for a drink?' she asked, knowing full well the answer.
He shrugged in response and rubbed his temples, his head pounding.
Marion leaned in and lay a hand on his. 'Neal' she said. 'We're going to work through this together. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I'll be with you every step of the way. And on Monday, I'd like you to see Jim McDougall; he's a friend of mine and a wonderful therapist who specializes in addiction. He's going to help you wean off the drinking. Would you like that?'
'Yes, please' Neal said. 'What do I do in the meantime? I mean when I need a drink?'
'I suggest you try to keep a clear head but don't try to quit cold turkey. Your body is used to having regular doses of alcohol so until he shows you how to do this properly just try not to overdo it. Do you think you can handle that?' she asked.
'I think so' he said as he took a cleansing breath.
She smiled and waited for him to pull himself together. This was more than enough turmoil for a first session and he needed time to recuperate before they spoke again.
'Marion, I need to make things right… with Sara. I need her with me if I'm going to get through this and I want to make amends for what happened the other night' he said. 'I suppose you…'
Marion nodded at the unfinished question. 'Yes. Sara came to see me the next day. She was upset about what happened but she's alright; if anything, this unfortunate situation helped her realize she's stronger than she knew.'
'What I did was… well, it was horrible. How do I fix it?' Neal asked, his eyes full of pain.
'Why don't I schedule an appointment for the two of you and you can talk it out?'
Neal nodded eagerly. 'Yeah… Marion, I don't know if I can do this… detox thing if Sara isn't with me. I need her…'
'Alright, we'll do it in the next few days, then' she said as she rose.
'Thank you' Neal said. 'I really appreciate everything you're doing for me… what you've done for the two of us.'
'It's my pleasure, Neal' she answered with a sincere smile.
TBC
