Five weeks later, Neal shot up in bed as he startled awake with a gasp. He'd been having this recurring nightmare of watching his mother die on the television, shooting Vincent, and shooting Rachel. Everything flashed in front of him. Everything that happened on the television was in his mind, he thought about how he'd instantly killed Vincent, and he thought about what he did to Rachel before he killed her. Something in his mind was distorted as he dreamed at night now. He could see all of that death and then he could see himself. He was face to face with someone who looked exactly like him, but wasn't him. There was bloodlust in that man's eyes and it terrified Neal when that man raised a gun, aimed at him, and shot him. The immediate lights out for Neal is what kept frightening him and waking him.
"Daddy?" a small voice whispered beside him. Neal glanced down at his teenage son and realized he'd woken Nicky up, too. "Was it that nightmare you've been having?" Neal swallowed and nodded. All he told Nicky was that he was having nightmares because he didn't want to tell Nicky how vivid and disturbing they were. He hadn't even mentioned his nightmares to Peter… "Dad, have you talked to poppa about this nightmare?" Neal didn't respond, so Nicky realized that Neal hadn't talked to Peter yet. "I think you need to. I know you're not going to tell me about your nightmare, but you should at least tell poppa. He'll probably understand."
Neal cleared his throat. "I don't want him to worry about me," he whispered. "Poppa has a lot of surgery he needs to go through and that's stressful enough. I don't want to tell him I'm having nightmares."
Nicky frowned at him. "What do you guys talk about when you're with him then? You've come home in tears the last few times." And it'd been two nights since Neal had gone back. He didn't even go while Nicky was at school and Peter's parents could've watched the twins for a little while. He just stayed home.
Rubbing his face, Neal said, "Poppa's frustrated and in a great deal of pain. I'm letting him take out his frustration on me when I'm there. We aren't exactly fighting, but he isn't being very affectionate right now." Nicky scooted closer to Neal when Neal laid down. He threw his arm over Neal's midsection and Neal sighed.
"What does he say that makes you cry?"
Neal closed his eyes and said, "It really doesn't matter. I let him bitch at me so he doesn't bitch at you guys when you're around. We'll be fine soon enough, kiddo."
There was a brief silence between them and then Nicky whispered, "What does he say to you?"
"You're just as relentless as he is," Neal muttered. "He just blames me for his pain. The painkillers he's doped up on aren't helping his personality." Nicky gave his father a look of confusion, wondering why Peter would blame Neal when Neal hadn't done anything to hurt him. "I don't know what his problem is. He pisses me off and I try as hard as I can to steel myself against his asinine comments. I don't cry in front of him because I don't want him to beat himself up over how much he's hurt me lately."
Nicky shifted and rested his head on his father's chest so he could listen to his heartbeat. "You need to talk to someone. You won't open up to me about your nightmare or tell me the specifics about what's going on between you two."
Neal sighed again. "Nick, don't worry. Poppa and I are going to be just fine."
"It's you that I'm worried about," Nicky whispered.
•◊•
Peter woke up as soon as he heard Neal come into his hospital room. He meant to text Neal so he could apologize, but his phone was too far away and he couldn't move very well on his own. The last thing he'd wanted to do was get up and fracture something else—or worsen his current fractures.
He watched Neal move around and toss his jacket onto a chair and he could tell he'd hurt his husband. The way Neal rushed out two nights ago told him right away that he hurt Neal. Neal hadn't said good night or told Peter he loves him. In fact, he was supposed to spend the night at the hospital that night and he'd gone home. "Hey, sweetheart," Peter whispered.
Neal glanced at him and said, "Hi."
"I'm so sorry about the other night, hon. I—"
Neal waved him off and that irritated Peter. "It's fine. I'm fine. There's no reason to apologize." Peter watched his husband clean up the room a bit and knew something was wrong just because he was doing that. Normally, Neal would come in and immediately plop down into the chair at Peter's bedside. The fact that he was trying to keep his distance didn't go unnoticed by Peter. "How're you feeling?"
Peter remained silent until Neal stopped and looked at him. "When you stop lying to me, I'll feel fine." Neal frowned. "Neal, I know I was an asshole the other night. I've been an asshole every time you're here and I know you don't leave happy—and you don't sleep happily beside me anymore." Peter reached out with his left hand, hoping Neal would come to him. The fact that Neal didn't move towards him also spoke volumes to him. "These last couple of weeks have been hard on me, but I think they've been harder on you simply because you're putting up with my shit and trying to take care of the kids when you can."
"I put up with your shit because I love you," Neal whispered. "I love being with you and I'll never regret being with you. I just don't like all of the shitty comments you've made—about me in particular." Peter nodded, lowering his hand when he realized Neal wasn't going to come closer. "Nicky told me last night that he's worried about me. I know you aren't really aware of what goes on at home nowadays, but Nicky said I should talk to you."
"That's very…mature of him."
Neal nodded. "I love you a lot—let's start with that." Peter swallowed hard as he prepared for everything Neal was going to tell him that he already knew. "I love being here because I love seeing you, but you've hurt me so much with your words. I go home to the kids in tears because I feel so shitty. You're lying there, telling me I'm not being the husband I should be, and I don't know what to do, Peter. I've tossed the responsibility for the kids onto your parents because I'm trying to fix whatever I've broken between us." Peter could hear how much this was hurting Neal and he felt terrible for making his husband feel like this. Neal began to blink quickly, which is how Peter knew Neal was going to cry and was trying not to. "I don't know what I did wrong. I'm not being a good father. I'm not being a good husband. I can't do anything anyone asks of me right. And… And..." He cracked and quietly yelled, "I don't know what to do! I can't please anybody lately and I can only do so much for one person with a shitload of roles and responsibilities!"
Peter's heart broke as he watched Neal wipe his face off in frustration because some of his tears managed to escape. "I'm so sorry," Peter whispered. "I'm sorry for everything I've said about you being an inadequate father and husband. You know I don't mean that…"
"Then don't say it! I take your words seriously, Peter, and they've hurt me so much. Yes, I'm a stronger person than I was before, but I still have feelings, Peter Michael. I'm not invincible or emotionless." Peter nodded and watched Neal go towards the counter near the window. He rested his hands on it and bowed his head as he breathed heavily. "I can still be hurt by your words. When they don't depress me, they piss me off. I went home two nights ago and threw my wedding ring at the wall because I was so pissed off." Peter looked heartbroken when Neal admitted that to him. "I sat on the floor against the couch and just bawled until Joey came over to me with the ring. Nicky felt so helpless and I know I didn't set a very good example at home. I know you weren't in your right mind, but what you said hurt like hell."
Knowing Neal would remember exactly what he said and because he didn't remember what he'd said, he asked, "What did I say to you that night?" Neal waved him off and Peter protested. "Don't do that. Tell me what I said to you. I hurt you enough to make you take your wedding ring off—and throw it at a wall." When Neal looked at him, he could see how much pain Neal was in just thinking about whatever it was that he'd said. "Please tell me."
Neal let out a shaky breath and began to blink quickly again. "I know you didn't mean it and I know you were drugged beyond belief because of everything going on here." Peter waited patiently for his husband to just tell him already. "You, word for word, said: 'You have always been just a hole for me to fuck.' That was said after you asked me to have sex with you and I said no." Peter gaped at his husband with wide eyes. "I know you didn't mean it. At least I hope you didn't. I don't know what made you say such a terrible thing, but it made me question our marriage. That made me wonder if I'm just good for sex."
Peter shook his head and fiercely whispered, "I did not mean that, baby. I've never thought of you like that and I don't know why I said it. I completely understand why you were so pissed at me. You had every right to be hurt and pissed off. Jesus Christ, I probably would've told myself to go to hell."
"I did tell you to go to hell," Neal whispered. Peter was silent after that. "I went home and threw the ring, cried, and then considered packing the kids up and taking off with them. I don't know where I'd go, but I didn't know if I would want to be with you or around you again after that." He swallowed hard as he continued to blink back his tears. "I came in because I wanted to know if you honestly feel like I'm just a hole for you to fuck. If that's the case, then I want out. I don't want to be in a marriage with someone who just wants to fuck me."
"I love you," Peter said brokenly. "I don't know what possessed me to say something so awful to you, but I do not feel that way about you at all. You're my baby boy, my Neal. I'm so sorry for putting all of these thoughts into your head and I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain."
Neal finally came closer then and he sat in the chair beside Peter's hospital bed. "I did something to make you say all of this shit to me. I know I'm a bad father, a bad husband, and I probably am just a hole to fuck, but I didn't think you'd be the one to say all of that to me. I had to leave because I knew I'd hurt you if I stayed. I wanted to punch you so badly."
"You can if you want to," Peter whispered. "I don't think you're a bad father or husband, Neal. I think you're wonderful with the kids and the fact that you came back here after I said all of that proves that you're a good husband. I've been such an asshole and you're still at my side for some reason." He reached out and stroked Neal's jaw gently. "I'm really sorry. Being doped up is absolutely no excuse for saying the things I said. You're everything to me, Neal. It's never been just sex between us. Honey, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He rubbed his thumb over Neal's lower lip and knew Neal was absorbing everything he was saying. He could see a little bit of light in Neal's eyes now. "Being around you is difficult only because you're attractive to me in every single way. I'm always horny when I'm with you. The very thought of you makes me want you and I struggle with that when you're actually with me. I love everything about you, honey, so please don't think all I want from you is sex."
"What do you want from me then?" Neal asked quietly.
"Just you—your heart, your laugh, your smile, your beautiful eyes, your soft hair… I just want you and your love, Neal. I love having sex with you, but our marriage isn't about sex. It's a perk that comes along with having you and your love. I've never wanted to force you into having sex with me and you know I can hold off." Neal nodded slowly. "I would wait a lifetime to make love to you again if you said I couldn't make love to you again. I waited patiently until you were ready to try after you were raped. If you denied me lovemaking for months on end, I could wait."
Neal shook his head. "No, you really couldn't." Peter raised an eyebrow. "I know you were patient with me after I was raped. I can remember that. You have never told me to lie down so you can have sex with me. You've always waited for me to be ready."
Peter gave his husband a small smile. "Sleeping beside you makes me happy. Holding your hand makes me happy." He ran his fingers through Neal's hair and whispered, "You make me happy."
"Deep down, I know that. I shouldn't have gone home and thought all of the things I thought…"
"You had every right to doubt me and my love for you, Neal, even though I hate myself for making you doubt me. I didn't act like myself with you, so I feel terrible for that." He kept his fingers in Neal's hair as he stared into the younger man's beautiful blue eyes. "You're my husband. You're my Neal. You're my angel." Sliding his hand down a bit, he caressed Neal's cheek and whispered, "You're my world, Neal. There's nothing and no one I could want more than you."
Neal was silent for a few moments before he stood up and went to close the door. Peter watched him curiously. "We have about an hour before your nurse will come in to check on you…" Neal said, leaving his offer open-ended so Peter could make the decision.
Peter whispered, "You're sure? I don't want you to think this is all that matters to me."
"I know better than that," Neal said. "I was acting irrational and emotional, but I know you. I know my husband." Peter smiled as he watched his husband give him a little show while stripping. Neal could already see how the blanket was tenting and he thought that was great. After he was undressed, he shifted Peter's blanket and the clothing Peter had on without jostling Peter around. He did his best to avoid Peter's knee and reminded himself repeatedly not to rest his hand over Neal's ribs as he leaned forward and took his husband's length in his mouth.
The older man watched his husband suck on him and he wanted Neal to get up onto the bed so they could make love. It'd been a little over two months since the last time they had sex and it's been five weeks since Peter was brought into the hospital. He was here because of his surgeries, but he missed his sexual relationship with Neal. "Baby, I want you…" He ran his fingers through Neal's hair and watched Neal slowly suck on him while looking right into his eyes.
Neal didn't know if he should get up on the bed with Peter and actually attempt to make love with him. Peter was conscious, aware, and in his right mind as far as he was concerned, so he believed Peter could make that decision himself. He would never take advantage of Peter, especially in a hospital setting. "Do you want…actual sex? I can just give you a blowjob."
"You stripped for me and I'd like to make love to you." He thought about that for a few moments and said. "Shit. This is going to be difficult." Neal gave him a sympathetic smile. "As much as I want you, I'm actually pretty sure I can't move well enough just yet to make love to you." He glanced at the chair and apologetically said, "Unless you want me to give you a handjob or blowjob, maybe you should put your clothes back on."
Neal nodded and did as Peter asked as Peter pulled his blanket up a bit. "It's okay. We can save the real reunion for later, lover." Peter gave his husband an appreciative smile. "I don't think it's a good idea right now either. With your ribs still healing, it'd probably be best for me to not bounce on top of you."
That gave Peter a quick thought. "Get up here for a second. We aren't going to do anything, but position yourself as though you were." Neal furrowed his brows but he carefully did that. He straddled Peter's waist and was careful to keep himself above Peter's ribs and knee as well as keep his hand away from Peter's shoulder. Peter gripped Neal's hip and slowly pulled him a little closer. "Okay. Yeah," Peter said when he realized Neal would be putting a bit of pressure on his ribs if he were to actually go through with this. "We definitely need to wait."
"I completely understand," Neal assured him.
As Neal shifted to get off of the bed, Peter held him in place. "That doesn't mean you should get down though," he said, attempting to sound sexy.
Neal grinned at him because he thought Peter's attempts at flirting with him like this were adorable. He wouldn't say that, of course, because he doesn't want Peter to stop doing it, but Peter wasn't very good at the flirty thing. He's very straightforward. "I'm always up," Neal whispered seductively. Peter moaned beneath him because Neal just had that voice that could send sensations of pleasure through anyone whether they were attracted to him or not. "I have a very handsome husband. Even when he's a cranky asshole, he's still handsome."
Peter chuckled and nodded. "I love you, Neal. I'm really sorry for basically throwing all of your efforts and struggles back in your face." He rested his left hand on Neal's shoulder since he couldn't move his right hand just yet. "You've lost sleep over me—worrying about me. I appreciate everything you've done. From taking care of the kids to coming in here to holding me up so you can shower me or help me go to the bathroom, Iam grateful, honey."
"I know, love," Neal whispered. He'd doubted that a lot lately, but he knows Peter is appreciative. When he wasn't being an asshole, cranky, or being a cranky asshole, he was very loving and sweet—like he always was."You know I love being here to help you no matter what. I mean, no one else is allowed to touch your naked body but me…" He pretended to be a little jealous because he wanted Peter to laugh—and he grinned when he got the desired reaction. "I've been with you for years. I've seen you in pretty much every state you could possibly be in—and you've seen me in every possible way, too. There's really nothing you could do that would make me not want to help you." Chuckling a little, he said, "I know you aren't embarrassed to be yourself around me. You don't give a damn about pissing when we're in the shower as long as you don't hit me with your stream."
"I'm careful," Peter said defensively. "I could come all over you and enjoy that, but I don't want to do anything other than come and sweat all over you. I tell you to move before I do anything anyway."
Rolling his eyes, Neal said, "The point is that you're yourself with me. If we weren't in the shower together, you'd still do the same things." Peter nodded because he knew that was true. He wasn't going to deny it and being in a hospital didn't change his ways either. "I really don't mind holding you up if you need to relieve yourself and you know how much I enjoy washing your body. You're my husband and we're both men."
"We are literally a team," Peter teased, "since you started holding me while I go to the bathroom." Neal rolled his eyes again. "Well, with one arm in a sling and the other wrapped around you so I can stand makes it difficult for me, so I do appreciate the lengths you'll go to in order to help me, sweetheart."
Neal snickered a bit. "I would do anything and everything for you, Peter Michael." He leaned down a little and kissed his husband gently. "There's nothing I wouldn't do."
•◊•
Neal stood behind Peter in the shower, holding him up with one arm while washing him with his free hand. Peter watched his husband lovingly, appreciating that Neal really didn't care. Well, Neal cares. He just doesn't care about what he does as long as he's helping Peter. "Hand on the wall for a minute. Washing your lower half now. Will you be okay?"
"Yes, honey." Peter reached out and did as he usually did when Neal showered him. He was supposed to be careful with his knee and ribs, so Neal did what he could to make things easier. With all of the injuries Peter received, Peter couldn't do some things on his own. Instead, he watched Neal get down on his knees in front of him to wash him off. Staying in bed wasn't good for him, so Neal was going to take him for a bit of a walk—with the brand new cane he was given. His arm, fingers, and cheekbone fracture weren't really preventing him from doing anything, but his knee and ribs hurt like hell.
While Neal was on his knees, he kissed Peter's skin once the water washed away the soap. Peter smiled down at him because he was so grateful for Neal's patience with him. He knew he'd been treating Neal like shit lately and he was going to work on treating Neal better. Neal did what he could to rescue him, he'd killed Rachel, he drove Peter to the hospital, and now he was Peter's primary caretaker. As Neal reached Peter's knee, he frowned. "I wish I'd worked faster. I should've found things faster so I could have rescued you sooner."
Peter sighed. "Hon, I'm alive and with you like you told me before. I'll heal because I didn't die."
Neal was quiet for a few moments before whispering, "Can I talk to you about something?" He looked up at Peter and Peter's cock decided to stand proudly erect at the sight of Neal on his knees and peering up at him.
"If you get up, absolutely." Neal smiled a bit, kissing the head of Peter's cock before he stood up and took the majority of Peter's weight on himself again. "What's up, hon?"
"Nicky suggested that I talk to you and I've been afraid to, but it's probably best if I do." Peter's brows furrowed. "He's been sleeping in our bed with me so I'm not alone, but I keep waking him up…because I'm having nightmares." Peter looked sympathetic. "After killing Rachel, I wondered if that were the right thing to do. There was absolutely no self-defense involved because she didn't pull her gun on me. Granted, she was holding a gun to your head when I arrived, but she never pointed a gun at me. I disarmed her after shooting her." Neal closed his eyes and whispered, "I keep dreaming about my mother being shot. I keep dreaming about when I killed Vincent. I see Rachel before and after I shot her."
"I'm so sorry, baby," Peter whispered as he kept his eyes on his husband's face. "Is there anything I can do?"
Neal shook his head. "I don't know. Everything's so vivid." He rubbed his left hand over the scar on Peter's chest and whispered, "Was killing her the right thing to do?"
Peter took a few moments to consider that. From an FBI agent's perspective, Neal probably shouldn't have shot her and they could've brought her in for questioning. From the perspective of a captive, hell yes Neal should have shot her. From a husband's perspective, he could understand why Neal did it because he'd watched his husband suffer as a result of his memory being stripped from him. Their relationship struggled in the beginning and it was still struggling now, but Peter blamed Rachel because she's the one who damaged his husband's brain.
"I don't know, baby," Peter admitted. "I'm too close to this to say whether it was right or not. I mean, I'm not going to lose sleep over her death, but… I just don't know, hon." Neal nodded and Peter could see Neal's continued exhaustion as he looked at his husband's face. "Christ. These nightmares are awful. I wasn't really looking at you earlier, I guess. You look so tired and worn out."
"I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally worn out, but I'm still trying to be the best I can be for everyone."
Peter kept staring at his husband's face until Neal opened his eyes and looked at him. "As soon as I'm healed, I'm going to spoil the hell out of you and treat you to a variety of things." Neal shook his head and Peter made a playful gasping sound. "You don't want to be pampered by me? Baby boy, the things I will do for you will be incredible." There was a spark of excitement in Neal's eyes for a moment and Peter took that opportunity to continue speaking. "I will cook dinner, take you out to eat, make love to you in any and every way that you would like, and that's only a few things."
Neal smiled lovingly at his husband before moving a bit to turn the water in the shower off. "All I really want is for you to come home. If you do that, that's enough of a repayment as I need." Peter shook his head and opened his mouth to protest, but Neal spoke first. "Peter Michael, I just want you. I don't need fancy dinners or for you to kill yourself working on dinners. I'm all for the making love part though. However, I just want you to be home with me again. I want to be in our bed—our big bed—and be able to curl up against you without causing you an immense amount of pain."
Sighing, Peter said, "God only knows how long it'll be before I can leave. I've been here for weeks and I've had so much shit done to my body. It makes me wonder if the pain is ever going to go away." Neal frowned, wishing he could make Peter feel better. "Seeing you brings me a great deal of happiness though and I'm able to dull the pain when I see your beautiful self."
The younger man took his husband over to the clothes he'd laid out for him and had him lean against the wall for a moment so he could grab a towel. He came back very quickly and dried his husband's body before wrapping the towel around his waist. Grabbing Peter's clothes, Neal guided Peter into them and tried to do so without causing him too much pain. As soon as Peter was dried and dressed, Neal said, "All right. Let's get you on the bed so I can get dressed and then we can go for a little walk."
Peter made Neal stop and Neal looked at him concernedly. "I want to watch you get dressed." Neal raised an eyebrow and smirked at his husband amusedly. He nodded and slowly went about drying his body off and dressing himself, wiggling his hips a little after turning around so Peter could watch his ass. "Jesus," Peter whispered. His throat dried before Neal pulled his jeans over his hips and zipped himself up. "I'm so grateful to have such a beautiful, beautiful man in my life."
"As long as you're done being an ass, mine is all yours."
Peter let out a small, animalistic sound that turned Neal on. "You've always been all mine." Neal smirked and moved to grab Peter's cane. "Oh, God damn it. I don't want to walk around with that."
Neal rolled his eyes. "We discussed this. Doctor's orders, my love." Peter grumbled something under his breath before holding his hand out. Neal grinned and gave him the cane, helping Peter straighten up a bit. "Doctor Lindley wants you to start putting a little weight on your leg, but not too much." He slid his arm around Peter's waist and reassured him, "I'll be right at your side no matter what. If the pain is too much for you, you know I'll catch you. I won't let you fall."
Peter kissed his husband because he knew Neal wasn't expecting a kiss just then. "I know, baby boy." Smiling at his husband, he whispered, "I hope you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Neal's smile was brilliant and Peter could see the light in Neal's eyes. After a moment, Neal was amused. "Okay, big guy. No more procrastinating. You and I are going for that walk now."
"Damn it…" Peter sighed.
"Come on, lover." Neal walked alongside Peter on his left so he could catch him if his knee suddenly gave out. "Just a lap or two around the floor and then you can get your lazy ass back into bed." Peter groaned and all Neal could do was smile. Peter always told him that he acted like a child—in an endearing, adorable way—and Neal wondered if Peter knew he was acting like a child himself at times. Nonetheless, he loves his husband. Despite the bouts of tension, they weren't going to separate because they're in this for the long run—for better or worse.
