The first thing I heard when I woke up was the sound of running water and cheerful humming, along with my own tired groans. Good god I'm sore. I think I've discovered another of Zaira's fetishes: being called 'Captain' during sex, because I every time I did, she went up to eleven.
Ow. My groin. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I had too much sex last night.
…Alright, no, there's no such thing as too much sex; just a body unable to handle it. New life goal: become strong enough to have sex for twenty-four hours in a row, then still be able to get up afterwards.
Also save the Galaxy from the Reapers, that's important too.
Zaira leaves the shower a minute later, emerging fully dressed with wet hair and a smile a mile wide. My sore crotch is almost worth it. "What're you still doing in bed?" she teases, poking my cheek. "Don't tell me I wore you out?"
"I could do without the sass, Zaira," I groan out, rolling onto my back. "I think you made an impression of my back in the bed."
She pokes me again. "It's Captain," she insists, squeaking when my hand shoots out to pinch her nose.
"I was fine calling you Captain in bed," I say, giving her a stern look. "And I'd be fine if you called me Supreme Commander in bed. But I draw the line at calling you Captain every time I say your name. For one, I'm still not in the goddamn military. Two, it's weird."
Zaira sighs despondently, but I ain't falling for that. "All right fine, you don't have to call me Captain," she pouts, crossing her arms. Then she smirks. "I did wear you out, though."
"Fuck yeah you did," I agree, slumping back on the bed with a groan. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving."
"I'll get to work on breakfast, you take a shower," she orders, pressing a short kiss to my lips. "You smell like sex."
"And whose fault is that?" I shoot back, pulling myself off the bed and stepping into the shower. The lukewarm water is soothing, but I'm missing the hot water of the hotel shower. That'll be something that changes with the second Normandy...actually, how would that even happen? I'm not letting us be put in a position to get fucked by the Collectors, so we'll still have the Normandy. Maybe I can put in a request for an upgraded version? Maybe we can take the girl apart and put her back together, better than before?
We could rebuild her. We have the technology. We have the capacity to build the world's most badass battleship. The Normandy will be that ship. Better than she was before. Better, stronger, faster. Bigger.
I'll have to think about this.
I do most of the cooking around here, so I've never really eaten whatever the rest of the crew makes, with the exception of once or twice. But I will say this: Zaira makes some tasty oatmeal. Some sliced up fruit, honey and cinnamon served nice and hot; it's all good.
The entirety of the ground team doesn't fill up the entire table like it used to. It makes the ship feel emptier; that's because it is. "Luna defenses are typical of most military bunkers," Zaira starts, licking her spoon before scooping up some more oatmeal. "Regular and the rocket variety of turrets, and the same with drones. We'll need to stack up on synthetic-busters, Overload, Sabotage, phasic rounds and the like. This is recovery, not destruction; so Saul, take it easy with the explosions."
"I'll try," I shrug with a mouth fulla oatmeal. "But I can say for certain that there will be more than three. That is a Dewitt Guarantee."
"Just promise you won't blow up the moon," Cap'n Lover in the Night says dryly.
"That I can promise." Don't want to get slapped with a vandalism charge, after all. "Sounds fairly simple."
Kaidan shrugs. "Should be."
…
The drop is similar to the dozen we've done before and far easier than the last two. At least no one got hurled through the air this time, as fun as that would be in low-gravity. Greyish-white sand stretches for miles in every direction, pitted with craters, valleys and mountains.
I, naturally, take the gunner while Zaira drives, cresting a sharp hill and boosting off to reach the top of a plateau. Adjacent is a mesa, the flat surface dotted with three bunkers in a triangle formation. In the silent, empty atmosphere, it seems peaceful.
Zaira guns the engine towards the edge, firing the thrusters to get us up, then allowing the low gravity to carry us forwards and down, bouncing off the mesa top. As we approach, turrets pop up around each bunker, two apiece, and I open fire.
These turrets are fairly durable and fire rockets, which makes sense given what they've got down there. They really should've seen the whole 'A.I. takes over' thing coming a mile away with all the movies…though, if they had, I doubt so many Alliance AI would've been allowed to escape…sorry, I meant 'slipped the net'. Not many humans were a fan of the whole 'no AI' law laid down by the Council, which is now very ironic given what Avina is, and warned their synthetic buddies to get the hell out of dodge before the Council came-a-callin'. Not like they could be blamed for something as intelligent as something with the word 'intelligence' in their name for escaping. I bet half of them had predictive models built for just such an occasion.
I fire off the cannon and another turret explodes, shrapnel flying away into space with a cloud of smoke, and I switch my guns to another.
Now that I think about it, Avina's name is actually kind of hilarious. Everyone thought she was just 'A VI', but she was actually 'AN AI'. Maybe the 'V' stood for victory? Or, flip the name around and you get 'AN Invisible AI'? No, that still doesn't use the V…maybe I'm just overthinking things…because that would be completely unheard of.
The last turret pops like the second-worst kind of pinata and the Mako slides to a halt outside one of the bunkers. I'm first to the door and first to step outside, my boot slowly descending to the surface of the Moon, grey dust puffing out around it. Earth hangs in the sky like…well, the Moon, but all colorful and shit. Looking around at the grey craters, mountains, plateaus and such, I can't help but feel let down.
"What's the sigh for?" Zaira asks as she steps out behind me.
"I just took my first step out onto The Moon," I reply thoughtfully. "This should be a huge moment…but it's not. I've been to other moons; I've been to other moons on the other side of the Galaxy, and many of them had bright colors or strange atmospheres or toxic winds. Hell, I've been on the surface of a meteor screaming through space towards a colony! Compared to this? This is just…boring. Let's hurry up and get out of here."
"Sorry it didn't live up to your expectations," Ash says dryly. "Can Jade contact this VI, maybe hack it and shut it down remotely?"
"I've been trying," Jade replies with a note of irritation. "For a VI, it's cyber-warfare suites are really advanced. It's been on the defensive the entire time, countering my every move with stupid amounts of ease. It's like it knows what I'm going to do before I do it! Is this what it's like for you when I play chess against you, Tara?"
"Pretty much," the sniper answer blandly, though she does sound amused. "Why do you think I stopped playing after the eightieth straight loss?"
"I'll keep trying, but this VI feels…familiar, somehow," my AI companion continues. "More intelligent. It might not be a VI at all."
"Wait…you mean this might be an AI?" Kaidan asks nervously, fingering his SMG.
"It wouldn't surprise me," I say with a shrug, tapping the back of my helmet. "Kellen stole Jade from Alliance Research. I doubt they would've let a setback, even one that big, stop them. And it's not like he stole the research, just the finished product. Sorry for calling you a product, Jade."
"It's alright…meatbag." She replies, and Zaira chuckles.
"Shots fired," she whispers, before straightening up. "Alright, serious now. Saul, you're taking point with your lightning, and Kaidan will be behind you. I want you to focus on disabling the shields while Alenko disables them physically. We'll put them down from there."
"Gotcha," I nod, cracking the bunker door and stepping inside the airlock. "You can look but no touching, K-K."
"I wasn't-! You know what? I'm just not going to say anything," he grumbles, stacking up against the wall behind me.
I chuckle evilly, drawing Invictus with my right hand while Arc energy crackles around my left. "Smart," I add before slapping the console, the door hissing open and a note of static filling the air. The whine of a small engine is my first warning, the second being a drone zipping into view. These are the basic bitches of mechs, being only a tripod with a gun on top, but they can at least fly.
The drone turns on me, beeping as it target-locks on my ass and I hit it with a fist fulla loightnin', popping its shields and making it sputter. Before I can take aim and blast it to bits, another drone comes screaming around the corner, followed by another and another.
They open fire and I throw up a barrier in front of me, holstering my gun to free up my other hand and bolster my shield with power. The drones empty bullet after bullet into my round shield until Tara calls out from the back, "Sabotage, out!" Their weapons simultaneously overheat and the fire stops, letting me drop my shield and give them two handfuls of Arc energy for their trouble.
Kaidan waves his hand, his biotic aura flaring and the drones float into the air like the gravity generator's gone offline. Behind him, Ash, Tara and Zaira open fire, ripping the drones to pieces; pieces that fall to the floor and explode. I hold up three fingers and say, "Toldja," before continuing deeper.
It's smarter not to use my gun, since I've got three behind me. Instead, I'll double-fist some space magic; a shield spell in one hand and a lightning spell in the other. I guess that makes me the Mage of the party.
It's not a very big bunker, but more drones come hovering into sight as we move deeper. I blast them with my Arc energy, then Kaidan Lifts them up and the ladies blow them away. While it's not super-difficult, the sheer number of drones is kind of staggering. I mean, this is illegal research, having a lot defenses is just common sense…but for fuck's sake, man.
By the time the drones stop, there's a two-inch layer of twisted composite shards on the ground, via them exploding after being shot enough. I always thought it was kind of odd, how most drones explode if you shoot them enough. Seems like a disadvantage. Disable one to drop at it an enemy's feet, then shoot it 'til explodes and bam, two birds with one drone.
There isn't much in this bunker beyond an open area stacked with boxes, probably the ones the drones came inside, then a hallway and two rooms on either side. Inside are conduits that control the VI's power or something; all I know is, shooting them will make the VI shut down…if we shoot all of them. The first four conduits go down after a few shots and as we take down the other set, something screeches in my ear like a mech with shitty stereo turned up to full blast.
"Ow!" I wish I could clutch my ears through my helmet, because they're ringing! "The hell was that?!"
"Short-range static transmission burst," Jade replies gruffly, a note of pain in her voice. "Is this what pain feels like? I don't like it!"
A hand on my back soothes most of the pain away, but there's still an echo in the back of my head. "You okay?" Zaira asks quietly. "All I heard was you saying 'ow', we didn't get any sort of noise."
"You didn't?" She shakes her head. "Racist!"
"You're human, too," Tara points out helpfully. "I think we'd know if you weren't. Or, at least Captain Shepard would."
"Yeah, but I'm a cybernetically-enhanced human," I reply, tapping the area under my eye. "I'm a Cyborg-American and I demand to be treated fairly!" I'm just now realizing that there's this weird green gas in the air. "The hell is this?"
"Some kind of toxin," Kaidan answers, unconcerned. "It's not doing anything, other than making the air look weird. And if you want to get technical, we're all cyborgs, too. Standard combat implants notwithstanding, I've got a biotic implant as well."
"Those are just tech-enhancements," I deny with a shake of my head as we step out onto the Lunar surface. With our personal gravity generators on, we can't even do a moonwalk, so what's the fucking point? "My eye is a cybernetic replacement, because without it I'd have to wear an eye-patch and everyone would have to call me Snake. With you guys, your implants are just straight enhancements, so it's more like wearing glasses or having haptic interface implants."
It's a short walk over to the second bunker, and it goes much the same as the first, except with a new drone added to the mix: our old friends the Rocket Drones. There's something I've been working on, and now seems like as good a time as any for the preliminary testing. With my left hand occupied by my Barrier, I draw my right hand back and pool lightning in it; but instead of unleashing it, I manipulate the diodes, shaping the lightning…as best as one can. Mass effect fields certainly help, because while light may not have mass, plasma sure as hell does.
Arc energy shaped, I drop my shield just as another rocket explodes against it and throw my hand forward, unleashing a lightning bolt into the Rocket Drone, while resisting the urge to shout, "Lightning Bolt!"…To be fair, I wasn't trying that hard.
The bolt of Arc energy strikes the drone, sinking into its ammo reserves and setting them off, wiping it and the four drones around it from the face of the Moon. "From now on, I wish to be called…Archmage Saul," I say with no little satisfaction. Now I just need to figure out how to teleport using lightning, and how to leap at someone head first while spinning like a drill without snapping my neck.
And also how to shout 'Psycho Crusher!' while I'm doing it. I could probably do the shouting gibberish version, but not loudly. Thoughts for later.
"We'd all like a lot of things," Zaira says dryly, as she and Ash hit a Rocket Drone with a pair of concussive shots. That's the last one and we move on into the back rooms with the VI conduits. As Kaidan and I blast one set, I turn the volume in my helmet all the way down, just in case this fuckin' AI tries to fry my ears again.
Zaira destroys the last conduit in this bunker, and kinetic barriers spring up in every doorway. Great. I guess if it's not painful, it's got to be something-
-SCREEEEECH-
Son of a whore! For fuck's sake! MY EARS! Owhowow…why me? Why just me? Give some to Kaidan, he deals with migraines all the time! "Ow…what?" Distant voices echo in my ear and I turn the volume up on my helmet. "Yeah, I'm fine. I have a monster headache, though…might need your help with that later, Zaira."
"Can we not talk about your sex life while we're on a mission?" Ash grumbles, emptying rounds into the kinetic barrier until it pops.
"Nice to know what your mind's on, Ash, but I was talking about a neck rub. Wouldn't say no to that either," I reply rubbing my forehead. "Can we just finish this mission? I wanna take a nap…"
"Are you good for the last bunker?" Zaira asks with concern, her hand on my back. "Can Jade block the transmissions?"
"I'm trying!" Jade replies tersely, her tone colored by genuine anger and pain. "This motherfucking AI keeps slipping past my defenses like they aren't even there! I've never wanted to physically murder something before, but I'm starting to realize how just fun that could be!"
The implant in the back of my head burns briefly and I let out a hiss of pain. "Calm down, Jade, damn! You're making my brain hurt…more than usual, anyway."
The burning fades and my AI companion sounds contrite. "I'm sorry…I'm just…I've never been so outmaneuvered before." She sighs deeply. "Alright, I need to focus. Don't talk to me."
"I tried turning down the volume in my helmet and that didn't fucking work, so next time I just won't be in the room," I say, shaking my head. "You still need magical powers to get through all these drones and I'm the only Archmage here, so you'll have to deal."
What about Supreme Sorcerer Saul? I like that. Alliteration is awesome. And hilarious. But I don't think mastering simple spells like shields and lightning deserves the title of Supreme Sorcerer though. I can cast Flame and Explosion spells, as well as Concussion spells…and the flying spell, too! And I always have my faithful summoned companion in my brain at all times, but I think a Supreme Sorcerer would need to know hundreds of spells. I can comfortably say I'm an Archmage, though. The only human Archmage, too.
Asari can't be Archmages, they're all women, and women are witches, right? Which would make them witches. Is there such a thing as Arch-Witches? Or is mage just a general term for magic user? Does that even fit when the magic type is Space Magic? Wait, of course it would, 'Magic' is the second word. But then again, 'Asari Archmage' is alliterative, which makes it perfectly fine in my book.
These things are important, you know. You can't build a world with magic without a proper magic system and magical hierarchy, otherwise you end up with anarchy. Are there any asari named 'Anarchy'? I should do a search online, and if there isn't, I'll keep that as a codename for a squad. A squad made up of Asari. Anarchy Squad. Then…wait, wouldn't that be a bad thing? Squads are supposed to follow orders, so one named Anarchy would predisposition them towards not listening to orders, which would be a bad thing.
…When did we get to the third bunker? And why does my brain hurt? Did I take drugs again? I promised I wouldn't after that one time I took a whole bunch of drugs completely on accident. Don't you look at me that way! They looked like gummy bears, and I haven't had gummy bears in years! How was I supposed to know they were laced with acid?
Anyway, I ate half a pound of acid-laced gummy bears and went completely bonkers for about three days, during which I discovered that 'asexual' doesn't necessarily mean 'sexless' to the hanar, and that low-levels of hanar poison can stop someone from overdosing on acid and also stretch it out over three days, and that there's a reason for all the hanar porn in the Galaxy. Also, hanar make, like, the ultimate waterbeds and how to understand bioluminescence enough to know when the flashing means 'oh Enkindlers I'm bored' or 'oh Enkindlers I just came'.
I also got the Hanar Embassy Secretary fired, because it turned out those gummy bears were for her and she didn't have a license. Also, the extranet address of a very pleased hanar and a standing offer to do it again.
Nelon was not happy. I think I nearly died twice, not to mention the hanar in question was an old friend and also the Ambassador, but he got over it.
After I swore to never take drugs again, which I never did because I didn't mean to take drugs in the first place and if I did it wouldn't be acid and why is everything moving so slow?! Where are these explosions coming from?! My nose is bleeding and my brain hurts. What's going on? Did I get brain damage?
…Did Zaira try some choke-play last night? It's not something I like and I doubt she likes it either, but variety is the spice of life, you know?
"Alright Tara, stay here with Saul, something's wrong with him. If he starts giggling and mumbling again, you should probably sedate him. In any case, Chakwas needs to take a look at him, I'm really concerned."
"Did he say something about acid and a hanar? I could've sworn he did."
"Maybe. All I heard was 'archmages, sorcerers and anarchy'. He's not exactly lucid right now."
…Ow. My head hurts. When did we get to the third bunker? Why is my head in Tara's lap? "Tara, what's going on?" I groan, wishing I could crack my helmet and rest my head on something cold. "Why does my head hurt?"
"I think those bursts gave you brain damage," she replies bluntly, one hand on my chest while the other rests on my forehead. On the armor above it, obviously. "You've been rambling and occasionally giggling for the past fifteen minutes. It's really freaky."
"Sorry," I grunt, shifting and trying to get a little more comfortable. "Why is my head in your lap?"
She shrugs. "I thought it was better than the floor."
"True," I agree, sighing deeply. "Is the mission over yet? I really need a nap. And some painkillers."
"Just about. The others should be taking down the final conduits now-"
Noise. Noise and pain. Shrill noise, so high and loud it's physically painful, like a drillbit inserted in my ear, slowly spinning, screeching towards my brain, searing scars of steaming steel in soft flesh.
It seems to go on forever, and then it's over. I find myself staring at the red-tinted floor, static brimming my eyes and pain similar to Jade getting implanted fading slowly. I'd like to know why I'm on the floor, but I'd like my head to stop hurting more.
With a groan a I push myself up, pausing every so often to get the room to stay in one place and by the time I make it to my feet, my knees feel like someone replaced the joint with jello. Slumping against a wall doesn't exactly look dignified, but when have I ever given a shit about dignity?
Something explodes, followed by thundering footsteps as the rest of the squad rushes out of the back rooms, guns out. There's nothing except me, so they put them away and Zaira rushes up, pulling my arm over her shoulders. "What happened?" That's what I try to say, but it comes out much more slurred and wet. It appears I've bitten my tongue quite hard.
"After we shot the last conduit, the AI deployed more drones," Zaira explains, helping me stumble to the door. "We were caught by surprise, but Tara rushed in and we managed to pincer and destroy them. As it died, though, the AI sent a message in binary."
"A message, eh?" Again, much more slurred than that. "What's it say?"
"Help me, me." Jade replies, sounding very worn out. "It's not a stutter or a repeat, it says Help me, me. It was a message for me, but I don't get why it would call me, 'me'. As far as I'm aware, I'm an entire AI, I'm not cloned in any fashion. Maybe…wait, I need to search my databanks."
"Whatever that AI meant, it certainly hated me," I mumble, wishing I could spit out the blood in my mouth. "I never want to hear a sound like that, ever again. It felt like the sounds Sovereign made, but way more shrill."
We stop inside the airlock, allowing it to cycle. "At least it's over," Zaira mutters, shaking her head. "I didn't think it would be so difficult."
"Same," I agree with a sigh, stepping out onto the grey surface of the-why can't I breathe?
Panic sets in as I desperately try to suck in air that isn't there, my eyes, the skin of my face burning, pressure behind my skull trying to burst out through any exit. My hands claw at Zaira but I can't see her, my vision going blurry as oxygen deprivation sets in and blackness closes in on my mind.
I can feel my feet being dragged through the dirt, but distantly, like it's happening to someone else's body that I just happen to occupy at that time.
Huh. I wonder if this is…what Jade feels like?
Am I…really dying like this? It's so…anticlimactic. Slowly suffocating in the cold…vacuum of…space.
Actually…it's not as cold…as I thought it…would…be…
…
…
…
…
(Edit: It just hit me: AVINA: A Virtual Intelligence, Not Artificial.)
A/N: Oh no! Is this the end of Saul Dewitt? Were all those comments about being spaced actually clever foreshadowing? Find out next time, in the last chapter of…Still Not A Hero!
And on that note…
ONE MORE CHAPTER! ONE MORE CHAPTER! ONE MORE CHAPTER!
Holy shit I cannot believe I've gotten this far! One more chapter and this will be my Second Ever Finished Story! That's fucking awesome and also kinda sad, because I've got a ton of other stories that have been around for way longer that aren't anywhere near being finished.
I want to sincerely thank everyone who's stuck with me through this whole crazy adventure, through the long times between updates, the procrastination, the sudden flurries of activity before silence…thank you all. And with the next chapter and this story being finished, the Hero Series is ⅓ done.
Feels like the end of something, doesn't it? And I don't mean the story, although that is true. I wouldn't say era but, I don't know about you, but writing, fanfiction, this story…they're a huge part of my life, you know? I've been writing for a long time, and I've been good at it less than half of it. Eventually, I want to turn this into a career. I've got so many ideas, so many stories to tell…and most of them are original, too.
But, you didn't come to see me ramble.
Big thanks, as always, to NorthSouthGorem and Kurogane7, as well as Austin and the boys on Xbox! Give 'em a look and a shout from me, and keep it classy.
Stay Awesome.
~Soleneus
P.S.: Christ I've been playing the shit out of Tales from the Borderlands, I've had so many ideas! I've been restraining myself, though, because my queue is full enough as it is. I also played Star Wars Battlefront 2, and while I did have some fun, it was pretty much a waste of money after a few days. Did give me a few ideas for a story though, like one where Saul Dewitt gets transported into Star Wars and ends up hitching a ride in Darth Maul's body, the process driving them somewhat insane, so he ends up like a more coherent Deadpool with lightsabers.
Can anyone say…Darth Saul? Or maybe, Maul Dewitt, eh?
But again, restraint.
Stay Awesome Some More.
~still Soleneus
