The Angry Boy Chapter 54

"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves."Dalai Lama XIV

"Bredin, did you hate Jake Tiles?"

Bredin lifted his head from Lacaral's shoulder and looked around. Father Toma sat against the wall of the stall. His face showed his deep concern for his erstwhile student.

"No! No! I didn't mean to kill him. I didn't even know him. How could I hate him? How could I do such a thing? It's awful. I hate myself. I wish I'd never been born." Bredin turned his face into Lacaral's coat once more. He sobbed uncontrollably.

"I love you, Bredin. So does Lacaral. If Jake Tiles had killed you, Lacaral would have died, too. Don't you know that?" Father Toma spoke softly.

Bredin looked at the priest once more. He widened his eyes, which were red from crying. "What? No! Lacaral deserves better! He could find someone else."

::Without you, Heartbrother, there is no life for me.:: Lacaral nuzzled Bredin's cheek.

Bredin stared at Lacaral's head. "How could you love me? I am horrible."

::No you're not. You are not the monster you think you are. You helped Ilis Pedden when she was a widow. You helped find Georgie Sikes and Siri Dane when they got lost.::

"They would have been found eventually." Bredin rebuffed Lacaral's support.

::Maybe they would. At the least, you spared them and their parents many candlemarks of fear and worry. And maybe no one else would have found them. They might have died of cold and hunger in the woods. It happens to scores of children every year.:: Lacaral filled his mindvoice with reassurance.

Bredin closed his eyes once more. "But how could I do something so horrible?"

Herald Mirilin had briefed Father Toma on exactly what happened. Now he added his arguments to the Companion's. "Bredin, what would have happened if you had not been between Jake and Freda Tiles?"

"I don't know. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten so mad. Maybe he wouldn't have pulled his knife." Bredin shook his head.

"And maybe he would have killed her. Think of that, Bredin. Freda could be dead and Jake could be awaiting hanging for her murder."

Bredin shook his head. He challenged the priest with his look. "You don't know that. You are just guessing."

Father Toma raised an eyebrow. "Am I, Bredin? The watch said they had stopped them from trying to kill each other twice before.Right now, Herald Mirilin is tormenting himself for not seeing that Jake was disarmed before he came into the court."

Bredin's face showed his surprise. "Why? How could he have known? It happened. He didn't do anything wrong."

"Neither did you." Father Toma said.

"I killed someone!" Bredin's voice rose.

"Who was trying to kill another person. And who might have killed you." The priest kept his voice level.

"But Heralds aren't supposed to kill people!"

Lacaral snorted loudly. ::Heralds do kill people. Sometimes they do it in battles or to defend others. Sometimes they order people hanged.::

Bredin looked at his Companion. Father Toma, guessing that Lacaral was speaking, kept silent. "But that is different! They do it because there is no choice."

Lacaral snorted once more. ::Did you have a choice? You were fighting for your life. And Freda's.::

"But I didn't have to kill him. I could have disarmed him or something." Bredin persisted.

"Maybe you could have." Father Toma agreed. "I wasn't there. I don't know what else you could have done." He pointed to the bite wound on Bredin's neck. "You were being attacked from two sides. You didn't have time to think things through."

"Heralds are supposed to do the right thing. How can I be a Herald if I make such a horrible mistake?"

Lacaral pinned his ears and snorted once more. He nipped Bredin hard on his arm.

"Ow! What did you do that for?" Bredin looked Lacaral in the eye.

::Because you are being a fool. Heralds make mistakes. Every Herald makes mistakes. Even Companions make mistakes. You are a human, not a demigod on a white horse.:: Lacaral's mindvoice was angry for the first time.

Father Toma's face showed astonishment for a moment. "Ah, as Lacaral says, people make mistakes. Even people who wear a horse's body." He smiled and nodded at Lacaral as he said the last. The Companion pricked his ears at the priest and whickered.

Bredin blinked. "You heard him?"

::He needed to know what I was telling you.::

"I'd guess Lacaral thought I had to hear what you were hearing." The priest said, echoing Lacaral.

"Bredin. You possibly made a mistake. I say 'possibly' because I wasn't there and don't know what you could have done differently. People make mistakes. Heralds make mistakes. Because Heralds are people who act rather than wait for others to act, their mistakes are obvious. Heralds have a lot of responsibility, so sometimes their mistakes are truly horrible.

"But tell me, Bredin. How would you feel if something bad happened because you didn't act? If you just stood by and let it happen?" Father Toma looked intently at Bredin.

Bredin was silence for a sunwidth. "I guess I'd feel pretty useless." He said softly.

"Heralds are not useless people. They act. You acted. Sometimes things turn out badly. No one can truly say if you might have done better. There is a good chance that things could have been worse."

"Actually, it very likely would have been much worse." Bredin and Father Toma looked towards the door. Mirilin stood there. Behind Mirilin, Talamir nodded agreement.

Mirilin sighed heavily. "I could see what you couldn't. While you were fending off Jake Tiles, Freda Tiles was about to hit you again. Could you have kept control of Jake's knife hand while Freda was at your back? I don't think so. Neither does Alberich. We could be mourning you, Bredin. And Jake and Freda would be facing murder charges."

Bredin stared vacantly at the wall. "Maybe. But I still feel awful."

Now Talamir spoke. "That is because you are a Herald, Bredin. Heralds care about what they do. They can't be perfect, but they accept the consequences of their actions and always try to do better. Today you became a Herald, Bredin. You've a few moons and a few things to learn yet before you get your whites, but now you are a Herald in the truest sense. Welcome to the Circle, brother."

Father Toma stood and offered Bredin a hand. Bredin took the priest's hand and stood. Bredin started momentarily: He was now as tall as the priest.

Behind them, Lacaral got to his feet as well. Bredin looked back at his Companion. "Did you just call yourself a 'white horse'?"

::I was speaking metaphorically.::

"I think I'd like a metaphorical Companion. Probably easier to groom."

Lacaral pinned his ears. ::Keep it up and I will un-metaphorically dump you in the river.::

Bredin laughed for the first time that day.

FatherToma smiled. He looked closely at the bite mark on Bredin's neck. The bleeding had stopped and there was a bruise forming. "You better see a healer for that." He hugged Bredin and sent him on his way with Mirilin and Talamir.

Bredin made a short visit to Healers' and gave himself a quick wash. Dinner was already in progress. The Collegium dining hall fell silent as he entered. Bredin guessed correctly that he had been the main topic of conversation.

First, those at the tables nearest him stood and faced him. The rest of the trainees followed suit. No one said a word. Bredin squared his shoulders and walked to his usual spot with his yearmates. As he passed between them, some of his fellow trainees touched his arm or patted his shoulder. Bredin felt tears forming in his eyes.

At the last table before his, little Theodren stepped out In front of Bredin and threw his arms around Bredin's waist. "May V'Kandis watch over you." Theodren said in Karsite.

Bredin knelt to get on eye level with Theodren. Still only eleven, the boy had grown only a few inches since arriving. Bredin hugged the small boy. "I think he did today, brother." He replied in the same language.

Bredin helped Theodren back to his seat and went on to his yearmates. Bredin sat down. The rest of the trainees returned to their seats.

His yearmates reached out to touch his arms and hands. "Elcarth told us all what happened." Jillyan said. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Bredin forced a wan smile to his face. "Thank you." He picked up his plate and reached for the potatoes. His yearmates returned to their meal.

Slowly the conversation in the dining hall resumed, though Bredin noticed it was much quieter than usual. At his own table, his yearmates spoke about their classes and some of the Collegium gossip. The conversation seemed forced and his yearmates' eyes kept flicking towards him and away.

Two days later, Bredin had to attend an inquest, which was presided over by Magistrate Gail Bellamy, one of the regular judges in Haven. After reviewing all the statements, Magistrate Bellamy pronounced the death of Jake Tiles to be 'accidental death in self-defence' and ruled there was no further action warranted.

For Bredin, the worst part of the inquest was the behavior of Freda Tiles, who kept interrupting the hearing with shouts that Bredin had murdered her husband. Magistrate Bellamy repeatedly ordered her to be silent, eventually threatening to have her ejected from the court if she continued to interrupt.

When Magistrate Bellamy pronounced her finding, Freda shouted "Lies! He murdered my Jake. He should be hanged. I demand justice. He murdered Jake!"

Gail Bellamy had had enough. She banged her gavel and roared at Freda. "You caused this, not the boy. If you hadn't taunted your late husband, he wouldn't have attacked you or the trainee. Trainee Bredin Kase saved your life when he defended himself. This is on your head and on your late husband's. The shame and guilt are yours. Get out of my court." She nodded to the watchmen, who dragged Freda from the room still screaming that Bredin had murdered her husband.

Shaken, Bredin left the courtroom. Mounting Lacaral, he started back towards the Collegium, riding silently between Mirilin and Ari, who had attended the inquest as witnesses.

::Why did she say that? Why did she call me a murderer?:: Bredin asked Lacaral. Something else came to mind. When he had tried to defend Freda from Jake, Freda had attacked him, not Jake. ::Why did she attack me two days ago? I was trying to protect her.::

::To answer your last question first, the line between love and hate is very thin. When you know and love someone, it is very easy to hurt them. It hurts because you care and that leads to hate. And when you care about someone, even if you hate them, you will often defend them. You got between two people who hated and loved each other. By doing that, you became their common enemy.::

Lacaral blew out a sigh. ::That's why the men and women of the Watch hate getting involved in family fights more than anything else.::

::As for calling you a murderer, it is easier for Freda to throw the blame on you than admit her own responsibility in Jake's death. Or admit that Jake did anything to cause his own death when she provoked him.::

Bredin mulled Lacaral's words. He stroked the Companion's neck. ::Love you.::

::Love you back.::

The memory of Jake's death plagued Bredin's nightmares every night for a fortnight. On Sovran, he attended the Remembrance ceremony at the Temple of the Twain. He placed a white rose at the altar in memory of Jake Tiles.

After Sovran, Deacon Tsareyn decided to shock Bredin out of his distraction.

"It is time for you to learn how and when to kill." The combat master began.

Bredin gaped at Deacon Tsareyn, uncertain how to respond. The monk did not give him time to think of one.

"A fortnight ago, you killed a man. Father Toma tells me you did not intend to kill Jake Tiles and you did not know if you had to." His eyes bored into Bredin's. "You are going to be a Herald. There will be times when you must kill. You must face that fact or you will not survive."

"Brother Tsareyn, I am not sure I'd want to live by killing." Bredin said softly.

"If you do not, others – innocent others – may die as well." The Deacon was implacable.

"I'm sorry, Brother Tsareyn, but that knowledge sounds frightening." Bredin said.

"You have had the knowledge for years. Now you must learn how to use it."

"Years?" Bredin was doubtful.

"Years." The instructor said. "When you faced those three young lords four years ago, you could have killed all three with only slight changes to what you did."

"I could?" Bredin didn't believe it. "I'm glad I didn't know how. I'd have felt terrible."

"You did know how. You just did not know you knew. You could have killed them by mistake." Tsareyn said. "Just a slight miscalculation of your moves might have killed all three of them."

Bredin looked incredulously at the deacon.

Deacon Tsareyn stared Bredin in the eye. "When you kicked Kadhael Corbie in the stomach, you drove the wind out him and bruised his belly. If that kick had been three inches higher, you would have crushed his sternum and stopped his heart."

The blood drained from Bredin's face as he gaped. "O Great Tholan."

"Well you should invoke Him." Tsareyn said. "The Iron God commands us to use our learning with care."

He pointed at Bredin. "And you must learn care. You need to know the difference between a blow that will kill and one that will put him out of a fight. If you don't know, you could do a great wrong. Just a tiny mistake could turn a defence into a tragedy. There has been a tragedy already. I don't know if you could have prevented it, but if you do not know what you are capable of, there will definitely be tragedies in the future."

Deacon Tsareyn pointed to a spot on the floor and Bredin took his position. Methodically, the instructor began showing Bredin how the moves he already knew could be used to kill.

After two candlemarks, Bredin left the Temple. Lacaral waited for Bredin, though Bredin had walked rather than ridden to the Temple. ::I came because I knew you were upset. I am here if you want to talk.::

Bredin vaulted onto Lacaral's bare back. He said nothing to his Companion on the way back to the palace. They reached Companions' stable. Bredin slid down and went with Lacaral to his stall. Once inside, Bredin sat on the straw. Absently, he stroked Lacaral's head. "Could you tell Herald Mirilin I won't be at the law class? I need some time to think."

Lacaral passed the word through Mirilin's Companion. Mirilin understood. After the events of a fortnight before and what Deacon Tsareyn had told Bredin today, Bredin needed to reflect on his new awareness.

Bredin sat in silence the last warning bell for dinner sounded, Lacaral nudged him and sent him to join his yearmates.

The next day, Alberich took Bredin and his yearmates aside. As bluntly as Deacon Tsareyn had told Bredin the day before, the Weaponsmaster told the group that they would kill people. Though all of them had been learning to fight for years, none of them other than Bredin had thought about actually killing someone.

Alberich knew their inhibitions could be dangerous. Though all were highly skilled with weapons, a momentary hesitation could be fatal. The trainees had to be ready.

Now the trainees wore heavily padded armor and visors. They worked with blunted weapons. Alberich no longer permitted them to 'pull' their blows; they had to carry through as though they were actually attempting to kill their fellow students.

That evening at dinner, the group ate silently. In the common room, they studied distractedly for half a candlemark.

"I need to talk to Gadar." Jan said finally. As one, the group rose and went out to Companions' stable. Despite the blustery fall winds and chilly weather, they mounted their Companions and rode bareback through Companions' field, silently sharing their thoughts with their bondmates.

For Bredin, Alberich added special training in what he called 'assassin's tricks.' Bredin learned how to sneak up on an unsuspecting opponent and kill silently and without warning. Coming on top of the notion of killing, Alberich's new training deeply unsettled Bredin. He had long conversations with Lacaral and Father Toma examining his feelings and thoughts on the matter.

It took until midwinter for Bredin and his yearmates to regain their ease and self-assurance. When Bredin visited his family at Midwinter break, he was so silent and taciturn that even his father noticed.

When Enro asked what the problem was, Bredin told him quietly what he had been learning. For once, Bredin's father had a solution: He sent his son to talk to Shanis Rains.

Having spent thirty years in the guard, the Magistrate's elder sister pulled no punches. "Dammit, boy. What kind of brains do they give you? Bandits and Tedrels and Karsites aren't going to play nice. Out there, it is kill or be killed.

"Do you think they are going to give you a fair fight? No, they aren't. They are going to try to kill you any way they can."

Bredin flinched at the old warrior's bluntness, but she wasn't finished.

"And there is something else: You are the only thing between them and ordinary, decent folk that have no chance against them. I've seen villages where every boy over six has been killed and every woman over six has been raped and most killed as well.

"Next time you want to be nice, think about that. You want that on your conscience? Of course, you'll be dead already, so you won't know it."

Shanis Rains lectured Bredin for an entire afternoon. Lacaral kept silent as she told Bredin bluntly what it would mean if he failed to do what was needed.

The sun had already set before Bredin walked back to his parents' home. Shanis Rains' earthy talk had shaken him out of his introspection. As he walked the dark streets, Bredin looked up at the stars and smiled.

When Lars arrived two days after Midwinter to join Bredin for their return to the Collegium, Bredin decided a dose of Shanis Rains' salt was just what his yearmate needed. Bredin watched with amusement as she showered his friend with the same points he had heard four days before.

Bredin and Lars returned to the Collegium the next day. Tom Murray once again joined their party at The Blue and The White.

Though the classes and drills were more intense than ever, Bredin and his yearmates enjoyed each new challenge, rising enthusiastically to every problem.

The day after his last exam, Bredin returned to his room following an intense workout in the salle. After a quick trip the bathing room, he went back to get dressed.

There was a knock on the door. Bredin opened it.

Heralds Ylsa, Leo and Tobias stood there grinning with a white uniform and boots in their arms. After congratulating him and giving Bredin a chance to put on his new uniform, they marched him to Gaytha's office for a room assignment in the Herald's wing and a supply of white uniforms.

At Gaytha's office, he met Jan, Ari and Tanis, already grinning in their new whites. As they moved their personal belongings to their new quarters, they met the rest of their yearmates, all dressed in whites and going through the relocation. Bredin's effects were soon in place. He returned to his old room for a last, wistful look. He picked up his old grey uniforms and, with a regretful smile, dropped them down the laundry chute.

They went to dinner as a group. As they entered the dining hall, their fellow trainees rose, cheering and applauding, while they made their way to their table. That evening, at sunset, Bredin and his yearmates were formally 'evicted' from Grey Vale in a mock ceremony. They drifted over to the Grove for their own little celebration. All of their instructors, including Alberich, dropped by for brief visits to congratulate them. Just before midnight, Selenay, Kyril and Talamir put in an appearance, added their own congratulations, then left them to reminisce on their years together.

The next morning, there was a brief ceremony before all the Heralds present in Haven as well as the Queen and Council where they gave their oaths to Selenay and the Heraldic Circle.

Herald Bredin Kase sat on a log reading about King Roald's adventures among the Shin'a'in. His toes dangled in the water of the Terilee, which flowed near the road at Bredin's back. On his knee, his nephew Leif listened raptly as Bredin read the story.

Lacaral stood beside his Chosen. Occasionally, Leif would turn and stroke the cheek of his uncle's Companion. Leif and Lacaral seemed enchanted with one another. They had gravitated to one another almost as soon as Bredin arrived for his pre-internship leave with his family.

Lacaral shifted restlessly and whickered happily. The Companion looked up the road in the direction of Poldara.

"What has gotten into you?" Bredin asked. "You've been acting like a kid on his birthday for the last few days. What is going on?"

Lacaral looked up the road once more, his ears pricked forward. He whickered again. Now Bredin could hear the chiming of a Companion's hooves, coming at the canter.

::It's Losanir.:: Lacaral said, his mindvoice filled with happiness. ::He's finally found his Chosen!:: Lacaral bellowed a loud whinny as the chiming hoofbeats grew louder.

"That's wonderful!" Bredin said. Holding Leif in his arms, he rose to watch as Losanir and his new Chosen appeared around the bend.

The powerful, muscular form of Losanir appeared around the bend. The branches of the roadside trees hid the rider at first, then he came into view.

Bredin's jaw dropped. "O Great Tholan!" He said.