AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another short-ish chapter, I suppose… baby steps. Callen isn't up to much more than that at this point, anyway. HA.
"Mr. Callen, nice of you to join us. You look slightly more rested." Hetty greeted, garnering no response.
The silence was uncomfortable for all concerned, everyone afraid to speak first.
Finally, Callen cleared his throat as he looked out to the ocean before looking back to the people around him.
Pulling the piece of sea glass from his pocket he held it up and looked to Kamran, "Thank you, Kamran. It's beautiful."
She quickly approached him and stopped short, unsure of how to proceed for fear of hurting him.
Callen chuckled softly, "the color of my eyes when I smile, huh?"
"Yeah!" she replied, blushing as she heard the hushed laughter of those around her.
"I didn't realize my eyes changed colors with my mood. Do they turn red when I'm angry, or green if I'm jealous?" Callen joked softly, trying to put her at ease.
Kamran grinned at the joke, "No, silly. When you are angry, they turn a really dark blue and when you are worried or sad, they look like the ocean… almost a grey blue… like now." she replied.
Callen stared at her a moment, his brows furrowing in thought as he was suddenly regretting having brought it up.
He quickly glanced off into the distance in an effort to gain control of his thoughts.
"It's like a built-in mood ring." Deeks blurted before Kensi slapped him on the back of the head, "What was that for?" he asked, rubbing the spot.
"Because Gibbs couldn't reach over here to do it himself." She answered crossing her arms and sporting an easy grin.
Deeks thought a moment before looking to Callen. Moving till he stood in front of him, "Hey, while I have the opportunity… I wanted to say I'm sorry."
"For what exactly?" Callen looked at him in confusion, barely acknowledging Kensi coming to stand by her husband and partner.
"For all of this. It all started with that mission. If I hadn't been slow to catch on, I wouldn't have been shot and you wouldn't have left and Iosif wouldn't…"
"Stop, just stop. None of this is on you. You did nothing wrong." Callen stated calmly.
"I dis…"
"He's right, Deeks. It was my fault, at least partly."
Callen rolled his eyes up to the sky allowing a frustrated sigh to escape his lips, "No, Deeks, Kensi. I chose to leave, simple as that."
"We nearly lost you so many times in the past five years and we just want you to know we're sorry. I never wanted you to leave like that. WE never wanted you to leave at all!"
"Kensi… it's okay. I'm fine." Callen assured her.
"You call this fine? All those scars? That's NOT okay." Kensi argued. I can't even imagine all that you have gone through since leaving. None of this should EVER have happened! We should have been with you, to protect you…"
Callen's eyes darkened only briefly before he was able to get his emotions back under control. "Listen to me! This was not my first run-in with Iosif Romanov. I've known him longer than I've known any of you. There is plenty of blame to go around but none of it is on you." Callen insisted before stepping back against the railing, the stress of the moment and the look in Kensi's eyes was almost more than he could bear.
Kensi watched him with concern, "Are you okay?"
He gave her a weak smile and short nod.
Kensi reached for Callen's hand that held the blue sea glass they had mentioned earlier, causing him to look down. He opened his hand as she picked it up and looked at it. She smiled then, the smile that always caused his heart to speed up slightly. "She's right, you know. It is the color of your eyes when you smile. I miss it." She finished with a whisper as she placed it back in his palm and folded his fingers back over it, "I'm glad you are back, that you are safe and I just hope you stay this time. This is your home."
Callen continued looking at his closed hand, afraid to look up for fear of what she might see in his eyes. That if he let his guard down for even a minute, they might just see the demon inside and realize what a mistake it was to care about him… to want him to be here. "See, that's where I'm not sure I can agree. I'm not sure this was ever my home… To be honest, if I ever had a home at all. I don't know where I belong or even IF I belong." he spoke in a near whisper. His heart was breaking as he spoke at the realization that he truly wasn't sure who he was or where he belonged anymore. For so long he thought he was in total control of his life only to find out now, he had NEVER been in control of anything. He still wasn't sure who he could trust or believe… they had all lied to him about things pertaining to his life… everyone but his team… Sam, Kensi, Deeks, Nell, and Eric… as far as he could remember, they had never lied to him… until that day… Now he wasn't sure of anything. Even if what they had created in those early years was real… what now? What did they think of him now, with everything they knew of his dealings over the course of his time with the CIA and Blackguard… Hadn't they all called him a monster at one point or another? Even Marie said it. His head hurt from trying to figure it all out. It didn't help they were all right there… wanting answers he didn't have.
Callen turned, looking out at the beach. He needed to walk the water's edge, feel the breeze, the sand give way beneath his bare feet, smell the salty air, hear the roar of the waves rushing in. He needed the peace that came with it… the need to escape was building and yet the exhaustion he felt was overwhelming.
If he was honest with himself, what he really needed was to sit down. The pain was building in his ribs. The lacerations left by the whip felt as though they were on fire as did the burns. His stomach churned from the headache. What he wanted, was to call it a day. He wasn't ready for this.
"Callen… of course you belong here." Kensi encouraged, bringing Callen back from his thoughts.
Finally, he lifted his head, slowly turning back as he glanced quickly around the group there. He noticed those who were missing and assumed they must have left for their real lives and wondered why the rest were still here.
He smiled sheepishly, "Seriously, I'm fine. You don't need to hang around here, go home… live your lives… I'm sure there are others out there needing your help. I will be fine."
"We aren't going anywhere. We are staying right here… with you." Kensi smiled sweetly as she reached out to touch his hand, shocked when he pulled back abruptly.
"I don't need you here… I told you, I'm fine… Blackguard is done for, Iosif and Victor are dead… the Comescus are gone… I have nothing to worry about… For today, no one is looking to kill me so… we're good here. You can go!" Callen moved away and headed down onto the beach. Part of him hoped they would take the hint and go and yet he found another part of himself scared to death that they may just take him at his word and turn their backs on him for good. Sadly, he would understand if they did, in fact, leave him behind. He deserved it.
