(A/N) I can't believe in my last A/N I didn't thank all of you for the support and wonderful reviews! It was just really late and I was so ready to get that chapter up. Capella85 hit it right on the head. It really was Jazzake-tastic bonus...lol. I'm going to try and make it a point to update at least once a week from now on, but of course I can't make any promises. This chapter has a lot of fluff in it, but I thought you all wouldn't mind that so much :). Time is going to jump in the next chapter and I'll give you a heads up that the next section of this story is kind of intense. Not angsty intense, but well I guess you'll see what I mean. I hope you all enjoy the chapter and I can't wait to hear what you think :) By the way, I love it when you guys pull your favorite lines out. I think it's interesting to see how people react so differently to different things
Disclaimer: I friggin' hate not owning Jacob. Life is so unfair :(
Chapter 49
Nessie's POV
I knew I was dreaming because I'd dreamt the same thing for the past two nights; however that didn't seem to diminish how real everything felt. I suppose it felt so real because they weren't typical dreams that were derived from an overactive imagination. Instead, these were more like memories coming back to me while I slept.
"Look at me Renesmee" Mama said in a soft, but firm voice. I raised my brown eyes to meet her butterscotch ones "Jacob will always be there for you, and he can't see you as being anything but beautiful."
"But why?" I asked softly "He has to think that because he's trapped by this stupid imprinting stuff. What if I'm keeping him from being happy they way you and Daddy are happy?"
The familiar scene faded into another one where Mama was replaced by Daddy.
"You do not have him in shackles. I've known Jacob for a long time, and trust me when I say that he's the happiest he's ever been. Imprinting is not a bad thing, Renesmee."
The scene melted again and this time all I could see was Jacob
"I also want you to know that you have a choice," Jacob explained. "My main priority is your happiness. When you are older you might choose someone else. I would fight for you, trust me on that, but if I felt like this other person was truly what you wanted then I would let you be happy, but I would always be there for you, waiting."
The scene shifted once more to one the most recent one I'd experienced
"You never had a choice," Aunt Rose shrugged at me. "You were born, he imprinted, and that was that. You were going to grow up, be his, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it."
With that my eyes flew open, just as they had done the previous two nights. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself as I sat up and reached for the lamp. After they guys had left I'd decided to try and take a nap. Trying to put on a serene, happy face for Jacob was wearing me out. That's not to say that I wasn't happy, I was, but this recurring dream had started to take its toll on me. After talking to Aunt Rose I had been almost euphoric. I didn't think of our conversation beyond the fact that she wasn't going to fight with me about Jacob anymore. It wasn't until I'd fallen asleep that night that the conversation started to haunt me.
When I'd woken up the next day I couldn't get Aunt Rose's speech about choice and imprinting out of my head. I thought back to before I knew the full truth about imprinting, back when I thought it was a cruel, hateful sort of magic. I'd hated it then, as Aunt Rose hated it now, because I felt like Jacob's choices had been taken from him and he was bound to me forever. In all of that worry, however, it had never even occurred to me that imprinting affected my choices. Jacob had always been very clear that I definitely did have a choice in the matter, but the truth was that I'd never made a conscious decision to fall in love with Jacob. It was just something I did. Just like breathing. However, I truly believed what I'd said to Aunt Rose about how I would have chosen Jacob either way. I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with him. Sometimes it was embarrassing the way he made my heart flutter and my knees go weak by something as simple as a smile or the crook of an eyebrow, but I wouldn't have traded those feelings. If this was the result of having my choices taken away, then I would choose to be shackled and bound by Jacob Black any day.
My reaction to this realization isn't the problem. The truth is that I'm scared of Jacob's reaction when he hears Aunt Rose's thoughts on the whole imprinting business. Of course her opinion has never managed much to him, but this particular instance might be the exception to the rule. He'd already agreed with her assessment that you could liken imprinting to a dog being loyal to a master. It wasn't much of a stretch that he might end up agreeing with her on the whole thing, which would just result in him beating himself up. For a cocky guy he could be tremendously self-loathing. When I thought of everything that had happened since we'd gone to Brazil, all of the progress we'd made, and the prospect of taking a step back because he wanted to get all noble and give me choices I felt like my heart would break. It was for that reason that I hadn't gone into detail when I'd told Jacob about my conversation with Aunt Rose. I tried my best to act content with him, hoping that he wouldn't pick up that something was wrong, but that was only going to work with so long. As obtuse as he could be, there were times when he was ridiculously perceptive.
I glanced over at the alarm clock and saw that it was just after two in the morning. I wondered if they were still out at the bachelor party. Two A.M. might have seemed kind of early to wrap up a bachelor party that had began at sundown, but we were talking about sundown in Alaska. Plus, Jacob would need to get back and get some sleep. Aunt Alice would be showing him no mercy just because he might be sleepy. I thought about going to see what Nahuel was up to, but I figured he was probably asleep by now. I felt a little guilty for falling asleep on everyone but I really had been tired, and Nahuel didn't seem to need me around to have a good time. He was bonding quite nicely with everyone, well everyone female that is.
I had been a little surprised when I found out that he'd turned down the invitation for the boys' night out, but I suppose it did make sense. He was still trying to settle in and he wasn't quite ready to step outside of his comfort zone complete. Nahuel was at ease around the women, but the men were a bit more complicated for him, and I had to admit that the feeling was probably mutual. You couldn't just throw him and the guys together and expect them to start bonding. It really was going to take some time for comfort levels to be expanded. I shook my head. I could only afford to deal with one issue at a time.
What I needed was something to clear my head, something that would help relax me. What I needed was a shower. With that brilliant plan in mind I threw the rest of the covers off of me and hopped off of the bed. I grabbed a towel from the little linen closet just down the hall (Jacob's little hand towel debacle had taught me so much) and headed back to the bathroom connected to my room. I knew as soon as I felt the warm water flowing over me that I had made the right decision. My muscles immediately began to relax and a calming sensation started to flow through me. It was almost as good as hanging out with Uncle Jasper. That thought made me wonder about the bachelor party and how it was going. Were they literally going to howl at the moon? Was Grandpa cutting loose like Jacob had said? Were Jacob and Garrett acting like two rival gladiators trying to catch Uncle Jasper's attention? By the time that the water turned cold and I got out of the shower I was actually laughing to myself. I quickly dried myself off and put on some fresh, clean pajamas. Although I felt much more relaxed, I wasn't quite tired just yet. I didn't want to start thinking about imprinting and all of that other stuff again so I decided to distract myself with the TV. I flipped through the channels, not finding anything that particularly held my interest, but I stopped when I came to a rerun of one of the few shows that I actually enjoyed: House M.D.. I quickly settled down into the bed to watch the show.
I knew that it was just a TV show, which meant everything was glamorized a little, but when I watched House work with his team I could see why Grandpa was always so enthusiastic about the field he'd chosen to work in. Helping people and solving mysteries certainly seemed like a worthwhile way to spend your time. I'd even caught myself, on occasion, thinking that I might like to give medicine a try someday. Another reason that I liked the show so much was the dynamic between House and Wilson. Their little "bro-mance" was like a twisted version of Jake's and Uncle Jazz's. I watched closely as the facts for the patient of the week were laid out as House tried to solve the mystery. The woman in question had had a double mastectomy, but it appeared that her cancer was still in her body. The final diagnosis was the part of the show that I always had the hardest time dealing with. When it was unlikely that you, nor most of your family, were ever going to die it was easy to forget that it was a fact of life for almost everyone else. For the briefest instant I was able to fully appreciate mortality, which made me uneasy. This episode was no different. I was so engrossed in it, in fact, that it took me a moment to realize someone was pecking on my window.
"Jake!" I exclaimed as I ran to open the window. "What are you doing out here?"
"Well hello to you, too," he teased as he eased himself inside. "The big bad wolf was just coming to check on his little lamb. You know, make sure she was behaving herself."
"Of course," I rolled my eyes and hopped back on the bed. "No worries though. I've been up here torturing myself all night, anxiously awaiting your return."
"Oh Ness," he cast me a devastating smile as he placed his hand over his heart, "you shouldn't have. Although I was obviously out having the time of my life, my heart was still here with you."
"Bachelor party a bust then?" I laughed.
"Totally," he shrugged as he pulled himself up on the bed to join me. "I friggin' hate bachelor parties. They're actually still out there. I just couldn't take another minute of Garrett and Jasper's hand holding."
I couldn't stifle the giggle that erupted from my throat and he rolled his eyes at me. He turned toward the TV and let out a groan.
"Oh great," he complained and I wondered how anyone could pull of looking adorable while they complained, "you've been watching this show again. Don't start with me about the House and Wilson thing."
"The only reason it bothers you," I countered, "is because you know it's true."
"Sure, sure," Jacob shook his head, "except it's not. Anyway, I don't know why you watch this. You always get sad at the end."
"Not always," I shook my head in vehement denial.
"Did this episode make you sad?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in my direction.
"No," I said forcefully, yet unconvincingly as I made an attempt to grab the remote he'd picked up off of the bed.
"What are you doing up anyway?" Jacob asked as he easily dodged my lunge. "I thought you'd probably be asleep. Big day tomorrow."
"I woke up," I said simply, hoping he wouldn't start asking to many questions, "and I couldn't get back to sleep."
"I know that feeling," Jacob snorted as he leaned back into the headboard.
"You should probably try and get some sleep," I told him, noticing for the first time just how truly tired he looked. "You know Aunt Alice is going to try and play dress up with you first thing."
"Don't remind me," he groaned as I eased over, gently laying my head on his shoulder. I smiled as his arm instinctively draped itself across my waist. "If you see her with a wax kit do me a favor and destroy it immediately."
"I promise," I told him as I eased into a most comfortable position.
We didn't really say much else, and just enjoyed being there with one another. Being like this with Jacob was definitely my comfort zone. His big hand slid up and idly began to play with a loose tendril that hung down my neck, which was even more relaxing than the shower had been. His skin was warm and comforting and the scent of the forest clung to him, mingling with the clean, earthy smell that unique to Jacob. If I'd ever had to ponder my own mortality and envisioned some sort of afterlife involving heaven I imagined that this would be fairly close to how I'd want to spend eternity. Maybe that was part of being blessed to get to love him. Since it was unlikely that I would ever make it to heaven, perhaps Jacob was my own little piece of heaven here on Earth. I was too comfortable and he was too warm for me to hold out for long. Before I knew it I was drifting off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep that only Jacob's essence could penetrate.
*~*~*~*~*
I wasn't surprised to wake up alone on my bed, but I did have to admit that I was a little disappointed. Of course, I would have been infinitely more disappointed if Daddy had murdered Jacob for breaking the sacred rules of my courtship so I suppose I couldn't mind all that much. I quickly got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and threw on some clothes. There were still a few hours until the wedding so I had plenty of time to get ready. I braced myself for whatever might be waiting for me downstairs. Maggie, Siobhan, and Liam should be arriving from Ireland soon, and Peter and Charlotte would probably be there at any moment, if they hadn't already made it. For a small wedding, Tanya, Aunt Rose, and Aunt Alice sure were putting a lot of effort into it, but I guess Kate finally getting 'tied down' was something that they could all rejoice in. I was sure that Tanya truly was happy for her sister, but I couldn't help wondering if she weren't just the least bit sad. It had to be hard being the only single person in a large family like ours. I had just stepped outside of my door when I heard Carmen's sweet, thick voice call out to me.
"Renesmee," she was on me in an instant. "Today is exciting, no? We have much to celebrate."
"Yes," I nodded my head in agreement. "It's definitely an exciting day. Has everyone arrived?"
"Emmett and Rosalie have just returned from picking up our Irish friends," Carmen informed me. "Peter and Charlotte arrived very early this morning and they are catching up with Jasper and Garrett. Your father, grandfather, and Eleazar are back in the study. I'm afraid their brief break last night is over and they will be there until the ceremony. The rest of just been taking care of little last minute things. Nahuel is such a wonderful help."
"And Jacob?" I asked. "Is he still asleep or is he up, too."
"El hombre lobo," Carmen sighed dramatically. "¡Ay Caramba! He is an angry one when he wakes up. I left him with Alice. Esme warned me to stay away from them today."
I couldn't help laughing as I imagined what might be taking place between Jacob and Alice at that very moment. I just hoped she wasn't actually trying to wax him again. The house might not be able to withstand it.
"Sounds like everything is taken care of," I shrugged, "I suppose I should start getting ready. I would hate for everyone to end up waiting on me."
"Of course," Carmen replied as she leaned in to kiss my cheek. "Tú eres la chica mas bonita en el mundo. If you need me for anything please let me know."
"I will," I smiled back at her as she turned to go and I turned back toward my room. I thought about going to check on Jacob and Aunt Alice, but I thought better of it. Surely by now Jacob could hold his own against Aunt Alice.
*~*~*~*
"She's an evil little pixie," Jacob grunted as we sat at the table watching the others dance. "I just don't get why she feels like it's necessary to use hot wax to rip hair out. If she's into all of that stuff maybe she should try it out on Jazz and leave me alone."
"Ah," I grinned, trying not to laugh too hard. "She might if she were able to, but alas you are the only one she can play with."
"She treats me like a life-size Indian Ken doll," Jacob continued to grumble. "I'm not fighting with her next time. When Leah gets married I don't want Alice within a mile of me before the wedding."
"Sure, sure," I wave a hand, deciding that a change of subject was necessary, "the ceremony was nice though."
"If you like that kind of thing," Jacob shrugged. "Have you ever noticed how annoying Garrett's voice is? I mean he always sounds a little nasal."
"No he doesn't," I shook my head vehemently. "You hated Nahuel too and look how wrong you were about him."
"That was different," Jacob shook his head. "I had good reasons for disliking Nahuel. It just so happened that my reasons turned out to be inaccurate. Garrett is just freaking annoying. 'In my day' and 'Hey Jasper' and 'What do you think Jasper' blah, blah, blah. What?"
"House and Wilson," I grinned at him wickedly, "that's all I'm going to say.'
"That's cute Ness," Jacob rolled his eyes at me.
"I think so," I let out a little laugh, and I noticed the corner of his mouth twitching upward against his will.
"Why did Rosalie make a cake for a vampire wedding?" Jacob asked suddenly.
"I think it's for pictures," I shrugged at him. "I'm sure it's delicious. We could eat some if we wanted to."
"It's probably poisoned," he snorted. "She wouldn't mind taking me out."
"Yeah," I nodded my head in mock agreement. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind offing me and Nahuel if it meant you were taken out of the equation."
"What about venom?" Jacob countered. "That would work."
"Oh please," I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to complain about everything today because if you are I'm going to go find someone else to talk to?"
Immediately his face shifted from bored and annoyed to sincere and apologetic. Damn him and those sad puppy dog eyes. Why couldn't I have some sort of power over him like that?
"I'm sorry," Ness he said softly. "I think everything is just finally catching up to me. I'm kind of ready to relax for a while, you know."
"I do," I nodded toward him. "Look, you know we're leaving tonight. Just try and enjoy yourself."
Jacob looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke again.
"You know what I'd really like to do right now?" He asked.
I shook my head 'no' at him and signaled for him to continue.
"I think I'd like to get away from the crowd," he told me. "You want to?"
As much fun as it was to watch people dancing and listen to Jacob complain, I couldn't help thinking that the two of us getting away from everyone might not be such a bad idea.
"Sure," I replied enthusiastically. "We can go to the porch on the other side. It will give us some privacy, but we'll still be able to hear what's going on in case someone starts looking for us."
Jacob stood up, taking my hand in his, and began leading me back around the big house to the front. As we walked I couldn't resist taking a peak into his mind, trying to see if I could figure out what was bothering him so much. All I got was an erratic jumble of thoughts and me. No wonder he was so grumpy. His mind was going two miles a minute. He sighed as we made our way up to the big white swing on the porch. He sat down first and quickly pulled me down to his chest, exhaling loudly as he did.
"I know I haven't told you yet," I said, "but you look really handsome tonight. James Bond can eat his heart out and all of that."
"I know," Jacob said seriously before he lost it and chuckled. "You look okay."
"Okay," I quietly screeched. "Just okay?"
"Well," he pulled back and looked me up and down appraisingly. "Maybe a little bit better than okay. You're cute."
"Cute," I spat the word out as if it were something disgusting. "Come on Jacob, I thought we were past cute."
"Okay, okay," he leaned up and lightly brushed his lips against my jaw, "how about pretty?"
"Pretty is better than cute," I told him, trying to keep my voice calm and controlled as he trailed light kisses toward my earlobe, "but I think you can do better than that Mr. Black."
I felt his big warm hand slide up to cup my face as his fingertips tangled into my upswept hair.
"How about beautiful?" Jacob murmured against my skin as he shifted his attention to the skin of my neck just below my jaw.
"Beautiful is good," I breathed, barely able to form a coherent thought.
"It doesn't do you justice," Jacob leaned forward and whispered into my ear. "There are no words that do you justice Renesmee."
I hadn't realized that I'd shut my eyes until I felt his warm mouth on mine. A shiver ran down my spine and I felt the familiar tingles beginning to spark up all over my skin. He had no idea how easy it was for him. All he had to do was touch me and I melted. There was nothing particularly special about this kiss. It was simple. It was chaste. It was Jacob. It was perfect.
I couldn't help myself from sighing a little against his mouth, which caused him to chuckle as he pulled away, much to my frustration.
"Easy tiger," Jacob shook his head. "You do know your father is just on the other side of the house. We've got to keep this PG."
"Sure, sure," I rolled my eyes, trying not to let him see how frustrated I really was, "PG."
"You're cute when you're impatient," he said as he reached up to brush a renegade curl from my cheek
"Tease," I stuck my tongue out at him, which caused him to chuckle. I couldn't help grinning. It was nice to see him smiling and laughing like that. "At least you seem to be in a better mood."
"Well allowing you some JLT has cheered me up immensely," he grinned at me wickedly.
I flushed slightly and shook my head. I don't know what had come over me to make me admit that I actually had a name for alone time with Jacob. I suppose it was just a product of my intense relief after I'd made up with Aunt Rose. I noticed the music from the backyard shift from a lively tune to a slower, sweeter song.
"You know what I wish," I said as I leaned back down against his chest.
"Tell me," he said as he wrapped his arms around me and softly kissed the top of my head.
"I wish that a big wolf would imprint on me," I told him. "That way when there was a big get together where people were dancing he would ask me to dance."
"Is that supposed to be a hint?" I felt him shake slightly with laughter. "Geez Ness. If you want something you can't be so subtle about it."
"I'm just saying," I shrugged against him.
"Renesmee," he seemed to caress my name as he said it, which forced me to have to fight off another round of shudders threatening to run down my spine.
"Yes," I whispered, quietly and controlled.
"Would you dance with me?" He asked huskily.
Thankfully I was able to access some of my clever wit before I melted into a wonderful Nessie puddle in his arms.
"No thanks," I said quietly, "but thanks for asking."
"Woman," Jacob shook his head as he pulled us both off the swing. "Why do you toy with my emotions?"
"So sorry," I sighed dramatically. "If it's that important to you of course I'll dance with you."
With a quick twirl I was back in his arms and enjoying the slow easy rhythm of the music.
"You know," I said quietly. "You really don't have to ask."
"Yeah," he said as he rested his chin on top of my head, "but I want to. You always have a choice when it comes to me."
I closed my eyes, hoping that I didn't have a reaction to his words that might give me away.
"Jacob," I began, trying to shift my thoughts, "what has been going on with you? You know you have no reason to be jealous of Nahuel anymore, and I have a hard time believing that your crabbiness has been just because of Garrett."
Jacob sighed before answering, "Honestly, I don't know," he told me. "Maybe I'm just not used to everything going my way. God Ness if you only knew how truly happy I am. I think some part of me is waiting for the bottom to fall out, you know. Until you were born fate hadn't been overly kind."
I nodded against his chest as we continued to sway to the music. I could see his point. First he'd lost his mom, then he'd been burdened with an element of the supernatural that he hadn't asked for, and finally my mother had broken his heart. However, it did make me feel good that after all of that I was his consolation. I only hoped that I could be good enough to make up for it all. His pain was my pain.
"Your turn," Jacob said, breaking into my thoughts. "You've been in a good mood, but I know something has been on your mind. No more secrets remember."
Damn it. He had me there. I closed my eyes again, trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how to tell him what had been bothering me.
"Aunt Rose just said something and I've been thinking about it," I explained. "It's really not that big of a deal."
"It is a big deal if it has been on your mind," Jacob shook his head. "Talk to me."
"Okay," I sighed. "Do you remember, before you'd told me everything about imprinting, how I used to think that you were stuck with me whether you liked it or not?"
"Vividly," he groaned. "Convincing you differently was nightmare."
"I thought that I had stripped you of your options," I explained. "Aunt Rose had similar concerns, you know, about me."
I forced myself to wait to hear what he would say instead of looking inside of his mind. It took him an excruciatingly long moment before he spoke.
"You always have a choice," Jacob said quietly. "Don't ever think that you are bound to me."
"That's just it," I shook my head vigorously, "I am bound to you Jacob, but I don't see that as a bad thing. I'm yours. I've always been yours. That's the only way I want it."
I looked up and in the moonlight I could see his dark eyes staring intensely down at me. In that instant I felt determination well up inside of me. One way or another I would make him understand.
"Renesmee," Jacob said gently, "don't get so worked up. I know now that imprinting isn't such a bad thing, but it's important to me for you to know that you have a choice in the matter. "
"What do you mean now?" I asked, brushing off the last part of his statement, "Did you used to think it was bad?"
"When I first learned about I didn't," he explained. "Then, I don't know, I kind of got to this point where I was really depressed and angry and I swore that I never wanted to imprint."
"You didn't want to imprint," I whispered quietly, trying not to let that bother me. My attempts must have been feeble at best.
"None of that," Jacob said softly, but firmly. "Ness you have to understand what it was like for me then. Your mother had just gotten married, she was pregnant and I was scared for her, and I had left my pack. It was just a really bad time for me and nothing pisses depressed people off more than happy people in love," he chuckled. "I actually got really angry one day and drove to Seattle, determined to make myself imprint on someone. I guess I thought having no choices was better than being angry and alone."
"No such luck," I smiled up at him, trying to show him that the idea of him trying to imprint on someone else didn't bother me.
"No," he smiled back down at me.
"Do you think," I began, stumbling over my words, "I mean if you had known that it would be me, do you think you would have let it happen?"
I expected him to laugh it off and assure me that he would have without question, but he surprised me by thinking about it and answering me honestly, which I really appreciated.
"Knowing my stubborn ass I'm sure I would have fought it for a little while," he said. "Your father and I weren't really best friends back then and the idea of imprinting on his daughter would have irritated me a little I'm sure. Eventually, however I would have sought you out, if for nothing else just to try and prove it wrong to myself. Then I would have seen you, looked into those beautiful brown eyes, and I would have happily been a goner. Without you there is nothing but darkness for me."
"I remember your voice," I told him without even really thinking about it. "I mean, I remember your voice before I was born. I remember everything; being crowded and hearing Mama, and Daddy, and Aunt Rose. For a long time I wanted to be born simply so I could end her pain and mine. Then I heard you and it was like I had a new reason to want to be born. Of all of the voices, yours was the only one that felt like it was calling for me, like it belonged to me. You were mine even then, weren't you?"
"Renesmee," Jacob's voice was raspy, "I've always been yours and I'll always be yours. Nothing will ever change that."
I pressed my body against his, closing the short distance that had previously separated us, as his arms wrapped around me to hold me there. We didn't speak. There really wasn't any need. I was beyond thankful that Jacob hadn't taken the whole issue to heart like I'd been afraid he would. Perhaps he would have a delayed reaction like I had had, and tomorrow he would starting beating himself up, thinking that he had stolen my options from me. If he did there was one thing I knew for certain: I wouldn't let him push me away. Imprinting really wasn't much different than two regular people falling in love. You simply cannot help who you fall in love with. Whether imprinting allotted me a choice or not, it didn't really matter. The fact was that I was his imprint and I loved him, and I would always choose him no matter what.
As the music continued to play, and Jacob continued to dance with me, I let all of my worries from the past few weeks go. What I needed at the moment was Jacob and peace, and I was going to hold on to both of them for as long as possible.
~*~*~*~
My peace lasted exactly three months and twenty-two days. It's funny how when you're happy you start forgetting the unpleasant realities that wait in the darkness for you, yet they are always there, waiting to come to you, unbidden, and tear your peaceful world apart.
