Olivia inhaled sharply. The words had come out of her mouth before they had even surfaced in her thoughts. She had dialed Alex not to ask her to come home but to have a conversation, to ask about her girlfriend's well-being and to inform her of her own. She had called to have a taste of that lovely voice to keep her strong. But a few moments of inane small talk was all it had taken for her heart to derail her mind's carefully laid plans. No number of conscious provisions would be sufficient to let her deny the ache she felt for Alex. Her heart wouldn't let her. And it wouldn't let her lie.
She wasn't fine. Not at all. She had fooled herself if she believed that anything was changing for the better. It was getting worse. Certainly she had managed to accomplish a few new things by herself but, without someone to celebrate her successes, she felt that the victories were empty. She was only recreating the lonely life she had lived before Alex and that was nothing to be proud of. After all, she had spent those years pining for someone to love and hold. And, as much as her pride insisted that she was wrong, Olivia took back her request to be alone. She wanted – needed – Alex by her side and, if she could guess from Elliot's subtle urgings and her girlfriend's carefully measured words, Alex needed Olivia too.
"Are you… Would you like to come home?"
"Are you ready, Liv? I mean, yes. I would. But only if it's what you want." Alex huffed inwardly at herself. This wasn't her, this pathetic mincing of words. She was direct and honest. She should be screaming, "Yes, yes, yes," like her heart urged, not prevaricating and hesitating like a scared puppy. But the words were out there and now her only choice was to hope that Olivia would hear the unsaid urgency.
"Ready? I… yes. No. I don't know. I want you to come. If you want to." Alex could almost hear Olivia riffling through the same series of thoughts that she had just finished. She wanted to laugh. As much as this tentativeness wasn't Alex, she knew for a fact that it wasn't Olivia either. And it wasn't how they worked together. With a deep breath, Alex decided to put an end to the stalemate.
"We sound like preteens trying to go steady, Liv. I want to come home. I'll leave tomorrow morning. Is that alright?" Olivia breathed her assent, as obviously relieved to be done with the strange awkwardness that had so far dominated the call as Alex was. Alex smiled again, an expression that was more relaxed and natural than the strained grin that made her jaw ache. "Okay, sweet pea. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, and Liv… I'm so glad." Alex let her hand fall back to her lap. She shut her eyes for a long moment, savoring the newfound sense that all was right with the world. She pushed the sheets away and rose from the bed. She thrust her arms into her robe. Maybe she'd take her parents up on that drink after all. At the moment, she felt like she could be very good company.
Olivia hurried her obliging dog up the street, hardly pausing in her rush to let her sniff the lampposts and tree trunks. Olivia had plans she needed to see to but Blondie needed her exercise and fresh air. The faster they walked, the quicker the dog would work out her excess energy. Not that their pace was all that fast. But there was a bit of elation lifting Olivia's feet and Blondie picked up on that, wagging happily and frequently looking up at her mistress.
Turning the corner back onto her block, Olivia tapped her foot impatiently as she unlocked the door to the lobby and waited for the elevator. Alex was already on her way home and all of Olivia's misgivings were forgotten, at least for the moment. She hustled into her apartment, depositing her dog inside with a treat and caress. Double checking her purse for her wallet and phone, Olivia fled the building with the same quickness as before, hailing a cab the moment she stepped onto the curb.
Alex paused outside the familiar door, keys in hand, considering whether to let herself in or knock. This was Olivia's apartment, technically. But Olivia had not invited her to come over or to visit. She had invited her home. Still… Shaking her head in frustration, Alex decided to bite the bullet and stuck her key into the lock. Only to have the door open before she could even take a breath. She gaped ungracefully. Olivia's gentle smiled appeared in stages and Alex regained her self-control enough to shut her mouth. Olivia stepped back and Alex stepped in. She was back.
"Um, sorry. Blondie was sniffing at the door and acting funny. I figured it was you." Olivia waved Alex towards the bedroom to get rid of her suitcase, following along behind and letting Blondie's excited snuffling dispel the tension. Alex laughed softly. She should have guessed. She heaved her bag onto the bed and unzipped it before giving in to the dog's friendly whine and bending down to greet her with a vigorous ear-scratching. She tweaked Blondie's ear affectionately and straightened only to gape again. There was a little black box balanced on the rumpled contents of her suitcase and Olivia was grinning shyly.
"Take it," she whispered. Alex blankly complied, picking up the little box and hesitating.
"Liv, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put it in your suitcase. It was too much. Too soon." Olivia bit her lip.
"Just open it." Alex did.
This was not the ring she had left for Olivia. This was not a ring she had ever seen before. She liked it. It was beautiful, simple, silvery and delicate, a row of tiny sapphires set into the band. Olivia always said that color suited her, helped to crack her ice-princess image. And she always admired Alex in blue. Alex tore her eyes away from the ring to look at her girlfriend. She was delighted… and afraid. Their one interaction over the course of a week had been uncomfortable. This gesture was too much, too big of a first step. Olivia was overcompensating for something. Alex couldn't let her. But she didn't get a chance. Olivia took her hand and pressed it.
"I'm not asking, Alex. Not yet. I want you to hang on to it, that's all. For when the time is right." Alex gathered her fragmented thoughts and returned her girlfriend's grasp. Now she understood. Olivia was putting them on even footing, reaching out to Alex the way Alex had reached out to her when she slipped the ring from her own suitcase to Olivia's. She was making a commitment to the happiness they would share in the future. She wasn't there yet but she would be. And she expected that Alex would be there too.
Very gradually, the shock on Alex's expression changed into tender contentment. She couldn't help but smile with love and with relief. She knew that, if she searched her soul deeply enough, she wasn't there either. But, with Olivia's hand warm in her own and the promise of things to come glinting from a background of black velvet, she felt a hope unlike any she had felt since before she had received the scar on her shoulder. It was pure and undeniable and exactly what she needed after the week she had had. "Okay," she murmured. "I can live with that." She touched her lips to Olivia's, more of a graze than a kiss but imbued with no less meaning. They were on the edge of a new beginning, a rare opportunity to press the reset button and make up for past mistakes and hardships. Starting over meant rewinding to the very beginning and that meant holding hands, speaking honestly, sharing power and very gentle kisses.
