Falling Down (Elena)
Falling Down - Reamonn
Two times today I messed up and let you down I fell down two times today
Don't wanna let you down
Thought I heard you say I nearly lost your love cause I let you down
Don't wanna let you down
Cause I fall down when you're not around
Yeah I fall down when you're not around
I'm falling down, can't you see me falling down
Take a look at me I'm falling down please don't let me fall.
I had no idea how I had managed to get into the car and drive the way back home. I hadn't seen anything because the tears had blurred my view, I hadn't paid attention to anything because the only thought that had swirled in my mind round and round, again and again had been "Why?" and I hadn't felt anything because the numb, lifeless feelings had returned ... with an intensity that it had buried me, crashed me, leaving me devastated.
When I got out of the car I ran up the stairs to the door, jammed the key in the door to unlock it and shut it close behind me. Then I just stood there with my back against the wall. Silently, not breathing, my fists clenched, my jaw tense.
I had lost all my hold now. I had lost the two connections that had been most important to me ... the connections to Stefan and Damon ...
And that was when I couldn't hold myself up any longer. My breathing accelerated until I nearly hyperventilated, my clenched fists weren't able to hold back the trembling that had started in my hands and enfolded in my entire body now and my clenched teeth weren't able to hold back the tears and sobs any longer.
Slowly I slid down the door until I sat on the ground, then I buried my face in my hands.
It hurt ... it hurt so much that it took my breath away, that it let my heart ache like never before. Stefan's betrayal and Damon's reaction had hurt me; more than anything else ever could have.
When I had seen Stefan kissing Katherine it had hit me to the core, my heart had stopped beating, had died. The person I loved, the person I trusted nevertheless everything he had done, nevertheless everything he was, had betrayed me in a way I never could have imagined.
Yes, of course I had recognized the way Stefan had behaved when Katherine had been around, they had been like petrol and fire and it had been only a matter of time until they would have exploded ... until his true feelings would have reached the surface.
All this "I hate her", all this "She compelled my love, it wasn't real", all of this had been a lie. The biggest lie you ever wanted to make me believe Stefan. He loved her ... all the time ... every moment ... But why couldn't he have been honest? Why couldn't he say "Elena, I love Katherine, I always did." Why did he make me believe that he loved me and only me? Why did he have to hurt me so much? So unbelievable much?
When I had seen them together, when the stake had been smashed into my heart, I had felt how the bond between us had broken. I had lost the person I loved, the person who meant the world to me, the person I would have given up everything for ... just to be together with him. I had lost my strongest hold ...
But was that really true? Had he, had Stefan been my strongest hold? He had been there when I had needed him, always. He had been at my side when my parents had died, he had been there to save me out of the car, to save my life. And afterwards ... he had become my guardian angel; first invisible and then officially. He had been at my side whenever I had needed someone to hold onto, to make me laugh again, to dispel the dark thoughts ... and now ... now I had to find out that everything had been a lie?
And could I blame him actually? Was I anything better? Yes, he had been at my side from the very beginning ... but hadn't there been someone else since a long while who had always been at my side, who had helped me through all my problems; especially the problems with Stefan - when he had started to drink human blood again, when Katherine had come back into town and forced us to break up, when she had tortured me ... nearly to death?
Hadn't there been someone who had been at my side without exception? In my darkest hours? Someone I cared as deeply about as I did about Stefan? Someone who had managed to make me laugh in the most unbelievable situations? Situations where you had thought that you would never laugh again? Someone who had understood you without words? Someone who had just taken you into his arms and you had forgotten all the bad around you? Someone where you had been able to let go and just enjoy your life? Someone where you had just been able to be yourself? Someone who ... loved you ... no matter what, no matter if you had said you would hate him, no matter if you had beat him, no matter if you had chosen his brother, no matter if you had come to him, all the time, with your problems, problems circling around his brother. Someone who had nevertheless listened to you, helped you, fixed your relationship with him ... although ... although ... he cared so much about you ...
How stupid, Elena, how stupid have you been? He had finally found someone else, someone he might care about and someone who cared about him, a person who didn't fight with him all the time, who didn't blame him for everything, who made him laugh, not furious, who didn't come to him all the time because she needed a shoulder to cry on ... telling him how much she loved his brother knowing that every word about him was a stitch into his heart.
When I had stood there and he had come down the stairs ... the worry in his eyes when he had seen my condition ... And two little words from me had destroyed everything. Two names, the names of the persons who had hurt him the most - the one who had always used him and the other one who possessed what he was longing for the most.
And then I had come, first to blame him for not helping me trying to find a way to get him back, his brother, and then I had come back and showed him that I only needed him as a shoulder to cry on ... that I only needed him whenever I felt bad ... nothing more; that I used him ... just like ... Katherine had done.
When I had said these two names I had cut our bond with my own hands ... because of my stupidity, because of my temper, because of my blindness ... this bond that had become so important to me, so essential.
When I had looked up again and I had seen his face expression, this coldness which had buried the pain underneath, my heart had died completely. His look had let my heart froze, had turned it to ice and his voice, his ice cold voice, his words had shattered it into a million pieces.
I had nobody left now, I had nowhere to run, nobody who would be there for me, nobody who would understand me.
Bonnie ... she would never understand me, never understand why I loved a vampire, never understand why I could trust one, never understand that I would cry because of a vampire who had hurt me so many times and nevertheless I couldn't hate him.
Caroline ... she would understand me, yes, definitely ... but we would sit there, she would want to help me in her way, her sweet but totally wrong way, she would want to talk about something I couldn't talk about.
What I needed was someone who wouldn't say a word, who would just take me into his arms and hold me close ... to revive this lifeless numb cold body ... just like in that night in the rain ... when a person had shattered the darkness which had imprisoned me and arms had taken me into an embrace where I had been able to forget everything ... all the pain, the tears, the despair, the loneliness ... but this was impossible ...
