"Close Protection"

Disclaimer – As usual I own nothing but a large amount of debt, a severe lack of talent, a distinct lack of awesomeness, a heavy case of writers block and a ex I could happily put in the Basement with Naomi right now!

I still nothing to do with Skins, (but then do we care about Skins any more? Well until that Gen 2 Movie appears anyway).

Authors Note: Yes folks, as you guessed it's time for me to start tying up some of those themes I started in this transitional part of the story. Put a couple of loose ends to bed, that means I have to go back and cover Gina's tapes and Chapter 50 seemed an appropriate place to do it, after all…someone told me a LONG time ago that 50 was a nice round number (though I think that was to end the story on). Anyway, here it is, Chapter 50 and the return of those memory tapes…no pressure, no pressure, no pressure.

Enjoy.

Chapter 50 – Gina Campbell Speaks

#1- Beginnings and Endings

"Hello Naomi love,

So you're watching this which means only one thing, I'm dead but as you can see I'm not totally gone; this is an ending, but it's also a beginning, in a different kind of way. I hope you read the note and you understand what I'm trying to do here. It's really hard to do this, I'm trying to reach out into the future so I can be with you through the important parts in your life, be with you in a way that I never was through the last few years. There's so much I want to share with you love, there are so many things that I still have to say to you and now I'm not going to get chance to do properly; so I've had to improvise. I've had to try and think of every moment in your life that I can be a part of in some way and leave you a tape for it, I've made a list, see? This is my list of the things of the things I want to talk to you about, I only hope I've got enough time to do them all before the inevitable happens.

Look love, this is the first of many, but for me this is the most important one for you to see, this is the first message where I can try and pass on some wisdom to you at what I know is going to be a tough time for you.

I'm really sorry this happened sweetheart, I really am, not because I've died, that was always going to happen one day, but because I know this is going to be an awful lot for you to deal with and there's not a lot in the kitty to deal with it with. The last few months have been hard on our finances and I know you've suffered the most. I know you thought about going to University, and I know you gave up on that dream when you found out I was sick.

So here's the deal love, I don't care about what happens to me, declare poverty and get the bloody Government to bury me or whatever, the bastards had most of everything I earned in tax over the years anyway, so the way I figure it is they owe me. Also, I don't really care what happens to me after I'm gone, the body I leave behind is just a shell and my spirit will always be with you no matter what happens to it. The last thing I want for you to do is to ruin your future for me, so don't worry about me Naomi, please.

Now that we've sorted that out, I want to discuss something far more important to me; I know that this is going to seem ridiculous love but I want you to try not to grieve. Grieving is nothing more than feeling sorry for yourself, and I hope that I've taught you better than that; best foot forwards and follow your heart always remember?

Not exactly the greatest words of wisdom that I could have passed on, but ones that I think will serve you well if you hold onto them. You have a long life to enjoy Naomi, one that I know will be filled with great things, just have a bit of faith in yourself along the way. You've always made strong decisions throughout your life, but sometimes not great ones for you; one of my greatest regrets is that I contributed to your decision to lock yourself away, to follow your head and not your heart. Give yourself to your heart once and a while Naomi love, you might be surprised what you get as a reward; mother nature's good like that. Remember what I always told you love, try and make every single day that you spend on this earth special, because you're a long time dead darling, a very long time dead. I can honestly say that you have made my days so very, very special up to now and I only regret that I won't have that for much longer.

Anyway love, I can't talk forever, Angie over there will kill me, and I do get tired…so very, very tired these days; and if I talk for too long to this bloody machine then I won't be able to stay awake when you come in to visit me, and I can't have that. I know you know how bad it really is. I've been trying to hide it from you as best I can, but you're a clever girl. I know I haven't got much time left, and I'm not going to waste the hours we have together with all of this nonsense, hence me doing these tapes, this way I can share your life in the present and do something for you as you get older. I hope you get to watch all of these tapes, that you allow me to share in your future in this silly little way, giving us the chance to be together at the key points of your life. What I do know is that wherever I am right now it's a better place than the one I was in; with the exception of having you around that is, but I also know that I'll be looking down at you with nothing but love and pride.

I'm so proud of you my little child of the moon and I love you so very, very much. The next tape I'm going to do is for your birthday, your eighteenth birthday, your very special day. I hope that you won't need it, and that I get to share that special day when you become a fully grown up woman in your own right. If that's not possible then I hope that you'll watch it, and I hope you have a fantastic day knowing that I'm with you always. I'll sign off now before I start crying and you think something is wrong when you come in later; I love you Naomi, remember that, and I'll see you really soon."

o+o+o

I watched as she blew the camera a kiss and, as the screen went black on the laptop, I found my hands were frozen in my lap, totally stunned. It was like my mother had been back in the room with me, so absorbed had I been looking at her gaunt, wasted face on the screen and listening to her voice as she gave me her short message of love. It was like I was sat on that hard plastic chair in that sterile cold room once more, I could almost smell the antiseptic and the faint hint of despair that I associated with it.

It was a horrible feeling, and yet such a wonderful one as well. For a few brief moments Gina Campbell was speaking to me again and I had no idea how I was supposed to react. The emotions were churning my insides to buttermilk and I could feel my heart racing in my chest; it was only the close proximity of one Emily Fitch that was stopping me from getting off that sofa and running for the hills.

"Are you ok baby?" Emily asked finally breaking that painfully tight silence. I wanted to reply, but I didn't have any words, I found that I didn't have the ability to speak at all; staring at her goggle eyed as my brain fought for control.

"Breathe baby," I heard her say as she placed her hand on my chest, "please try to breathe."

With a gasp I released a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding on to, and slowly tried to find myself again; striving to find my safe place, a place where I could get my brain back into gear once more.

"That's better Nomi, just like that," she said, her hand gently pressing, her voice reassuring. "Just breathe with me love, we'll be fine."

After a few minutes I was feeling just a little bit better, the feeling returning to my fingers, the numbness ebbing away. It was truly weird, after all these years to see and hear my mum, it drove home how much I missed her.

"Ok now?" Emily asked, hugging me tightly and laying her head on my chest.

"Yeah," I replied finding my voice at last. "It was just a bit of a shock you know? Seeing her again like that, I had no idea…"

"I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt baby, I really can't. I wish I'd met her though, she seems a wonderful person."

"She was, she was truly wonderful," I confirmed, looking at the list of file names, the names and numbers faithfully reproduced on the screen as I remembered them from glancing at the tapes in the box.

Emily swung her feet onto the floor and reached up to kiss me on the cheek. "I think we need a cup of tea love," she said innocently as she got up to walk away. "I'll go and put the kettle on." It was such a familiar thing to hear, such a reminder of my mum's answer to all problems that I felt my eyes welling up and I bit down on my lip to hold back the tears.

It was only when I felt my face her buried into soft hair and a hard shoulder that I realised that I'd been totally unsuccessful, Emily hugging me tightly as I sobbed into her shoulder. We must have sat like that for five minutes before I cried myself out, Emily wiping my cheeks with her sleeve, looking at me sadly.

"Was it something I said?" she asked as I smiled at her; staring into those eyes that, like my mothers, looked at me full of love.

"You reminded me of her," I told her with a sigh, "with the cup of tea thing, it's exactly the sort of thing she would say in these circumstances; almost the same tone of voice as well."

"I'm sorry," she said seriously, frowning, and I smiled again, this time with a bit more feeling and pulled her face to mine so I could kiss her; feeling much better at our closeness, and the feel of her lips on mine.

"Don't be, it's just me being stupid that's all."

"I don't think you could be stupid Nomi, especially not about this. Now would you like me to make you a cup of tea or would you prefer me not to?"

"Yeah, please, a cup of tea would be lovely," I said licking my lips as she kissed me again.

"I won't be a minute then, you wait right there."

I herd her bustling about in her tiny kitchen, wondering what kind of disaster I was likely to have to face; she really hadn't been kidding when she told me that she didn't spend much time in there, and some of the brews that she had made were bordering on undrinkable.

She really knew how to stew a pot of tea, that's for sure.

While I waited for her to come back, I took a deep breath, wiped my teary eyes, and double clicked on the second file; feeling that I would be ok watching something that was just over eight years past its date. As the screen began I smiled as I saw the image of my mum appear again, sat on her hospital bed wearing a party hat and blowing out a party streamer, the rough rasping sound of the 'whistle' the only sound. I felt yet another tear trickle from my eye as I saw her wave at the camera and I wiped it from my cheek quickly and settled back to watch.

o+o+o

#2- Eighteenth

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Naomi, Happy Birthday to you!

Stupid fucking thing; Angie, get me another streamer thing , this one's buggered…oh really? bugger; never mind then.

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH Naomi love, all grown up and ready for the world; but I do have to say that I wonder if the world is ready for you yet.

It doesn't seem like yesterday that I gave birth to you, the blink of an eye in fact; yet I remember every single second of it. I believe it's more than traditional for a proud mother to embarrass the fuck out of her poor daughter on her birthday so it's my dearest hope that you watch this tape right to the very end, and that you are watching it with all your friends so I can get maximum effect and they can get maximum value out of your humiliation.

I remember thinking just after you were born how beautiful you were, how vivid those eyes of yours were and most of all how tight a grip you had. I can still feel how hard you gripped my finger, I don't think it ever did recover from being crushed like that, just look!

I had to get the midwife to help get you off you know, you really were a tough little thing. You were a noisy and demanding baby too, always clamouring for something or other, it took me a long time to get used to you I have to say, always crying whenever I tried to get a bit of time to myself. Then just as I truly got used to having you around you were off crawling, you'd found a tiny bit of independence and I could barely keep up with you from that moment on.

I can recall the first word you said to me as clearly as if it were yesterday. I know I told you that your first word was 'Mummy', but I'm sure it will come as no surprise to anyone that knows you that your first word was actually 'No'. In fact I'm sure I should have made the world's future easier and had you adopted right then and there before I made you any more argumentative; you and I together, well we would have been unstoppable.

We didn't always have an easy time of things Naomi, but then I'm sure that every family has its moments like ours, times where the teenage daughter hates her mother with a passion that seems all consuming and unrelenting; what I want you to know is that I loved you always, I never stopped loving you, and that I know you never stopped loving me either. We never discussed it but I know it's true, you're easy for me to read Naomi, and I know you never stopped loving me even in our darkest hours.

Anyway, if I haven't embarrassed you enough here's the kicker, I've watched you grow up from a shitty arsed baby, through stampy footed brat into a sour faced pouty teenager that was always angry and claimed to hate the world and everyone in it. It's my greatest pleasure though to have seen you blossom from awkward, chubby youth into a strong beautiful woman, one that rarely wets the bed anymore, not unless she's been drinking heavily anyway.

Embarrassed yet love? You know I have no doubt you're just laughing along with everyone that's watching this with you.

So on your eighteenth birthday I want to celebrate the woman that's watching this screen now. The, intelligent, passionate, articulate woman with her whole future in front of her; and I know it's a bright future Naomi Easter Moonbeam Campbell, a very bright future indeed.

Have a great eighteenth love, have a drink for me, enjoy your day and remember I love you always. Happy Birthday darling, here's a few things to remind you of who you are."

o+o+o

I stared at the screen with a sad smile on my face as picture after picture of me, or my mum, or of us both appeared on the screen. One after the other, pictures from my birth to our last Christmas together flashed past, three pictures in particular caught my eye; three pictures that now graced the wall of my girlfriends flat for no other reason than she wanted it to feel like a home to me.

Mum was right, even in death; it was good to follow your heart, and mother nature sometimes did surprise you.

"You were a cute baby you know," I heard Emily say as the clip ended with a picture of my mum holding a baby in a hospital bed, the irony of our beginning and ending being in one of those beds not escaping me; "a cute teenager too, I wish I'd known you back then, I can't believe that we went to school so close to each other."

"and so far apart too Emily," I said looking up at her as she handed me the cup of steaming tea, "you'd never have spoken to someone like me; we were from two different worlds."

"I might have," she said putting down her cup and snuggling into me again, "but you're probably right. But then you wouldn't have spoken to one of those 'stuck-up bitches' fro Cheltenham Ladies either would you? Especially if you were as angry with the world as your mother said you were."

"Oh I was," I replied nodding and smiling. "I was a proper bitch when I was growing up, you would have hated me; I would have made your sister look like Bambi."

"But loving too babe, just like you are now; your mum pretty much said so and she obviously adored you so you can't have been that bad."

"Maybe not, but then she did have a lot of patience for wastrels and people with hard luck stories; I got bullied like fuck for it at school."

"What because your mum liked to help people out?" Emily asked, seemingly aghast at this behaviour.

"You know Cheltenham hun, even in the less than posh parts they were still a bit stuck up, or at least that's how it seemed to me anyway. I fucking hated the lot of them, that's why I was so angry all the time, having the constant knowledge that people were looking down their noses at me and my mum."

"Yeah, it had its moments," she agreed as I wrapped my arm around her once more. "Right pair aren't we? Both bullied at school, both hate posh people…"

"I don't hate all posh people," I interrupted quickly, "there are a couple I can think of that I'm very fond of."

"Who were they babe," she said snuggling in closer and forcing her arms around my waist, her tea forgotten. I squeezed her tightly as a response.

"Well, there's you and you mum for starters," I said grinning, "you're both posh and I'm very fond of both of you."

"Me?" she said sounding outraged, twisting to look up at me. "I'm not posh Nomi, I told you that; Jesus, I got bullied at school because I wasn't posh, not like the other girls."

"It's a matter of perspective I guess baby, to me you're posh and I love it; after all, if you weren't a bit posh you wouldn't need a CPO, and if you didn't need a CPO we would never have met."

"Well when you put it that way love," she replied laughing at my salvaging of the situation. "I'm glad I am posh; even if I'm not."

She snuggled back into my arms, burrowing into me. "Are you going to watch any more of these today?"

"Yeah, I think so…, a couple at least. I think some of them aren't appropriate for me to watch yet though."

"Mmmm," she murmured twisting again to look at the large screen, "I see she's even done a couple for your wedding day."

"Yeah, they might be fun to watch, just for a laugh; dotty old cow knew I wasn't likely to get married."

"Well I don't think you should," Ems said firmly, "your mum made all of these tapes for your benefit, I think you should watch them the way they were intended, before or during the events."

"Well I don't think I'll be watching tape twenty one Ems," I said confidently, smiling as she shifted forward to squint at the screen.

"I bloody hope not," she said laughing and elbowing me in the side as she settled back on the sofa and picking up her drink again, "'boyfriend' indeed, I'm going off your mother now."

"She was probably covering all bases love, she was always very thorough; do you want me to delete it? Remove any possible temptation?"

"NO!" She exclaimed laughing as I half heartedly reached out towards the keyboard, nearly causing her to spill her tea. "Don't you dare delete any of these messages your mum did for you, you'll only regret it."

"I'm kidding Ems, do you want to watch tape twenty the, the 'girlfriend' one, see what words of wisdom my mum has for you, or about you?"

"Later babe, if you feel it's right; you should watch the ones that mean something to you first."

"Well, I do want to see what she has to say to me about it, but I want to see that Christmas one first; if you don't mind me watching it that is."

Emily looked at me appraisingly her lips hidden by the cup that she has hiding behind. I knew she was smirking at me and I raised an eyebrow questioningly, a look of warning on my face.

"Yes?" Emily said guiltily, I guess knowing that I'd rumbled her amusement, "Can I help you?"

"You can explain that look Miss Fitch," I said smiling. "That would help you a lot."

"I'm sorry, I can't help it if you don't come across as the sort of person that gets all giddy over Christmas," she said sniggering at me finally.

"I used to love it a lot, not so much any more though."

"I guess not, I suppose you wouldn't have much time for Christmas in the Army."

I chuckled to myself as I remembered the many times that we'd celebrated Christmas in the CPU. Usually seriously heavy drinking sessions when we were home, cheesy 'ceremonies' when we were on tour; though I did spend a good part of my day at that time of year trying to avoid the chaplain, making sure he didn't try to drag me along to Christmas prayers. The weirdest thing I had experienced though, in my entire time in the Army, was listening to the lads singing their own Christmas carols in the back of an APC in the desert; though admittedly that was in August.

"What's so funny Nomi?" Emily asked bringing me back from the image of Whitey bellowing out 'Oh come all ye faithful' when it was forty degrees in the shade, placing the emphasis on words that were more akin to sexual prowess than religious celebration, followed by a rousing rendition of the twelve days of Christmas with a set of words that certainly wouldn't be found in the hymn book of your local church; not unless it was a very liberal church, a very liberal church indeed; the guys singing about those twelve maids doing something that certainly couldn't be considered 'a milking', well not cows anyway.

I still can't hear that fucking carol without singing 'five cock rings' in my head, bastards that they were.

"Nothing Ems, just memories," I told her blinking and smiling, "memories of all those Christmases I didn't have time for in the Army."

"Ok, ok…so you did have time," she said shoving me playfully, "I told you I don't like the people in the Army; I have no idea what they do, nor do I care."

"All people in the army?" I asked raising my eyebrow again.

"Ok, only the tossers," she replied grinning at my look, "perhaps some of the people that were in the Army were nice, well you and James anyway. So go on then, why don't you love Christmas any more? Is it because of your mum?"

"Yeah," I said, finding the words surprisingly easy to say, "after our last Christmas together I really didn't have the sprit for it any more. Mum and I weren't religious, but Christmas was our family time, it was pretty special for us, it just wasn't the same after she died," I added sadly.

"So why don't you put the tape on then baby, see what your mum had to say about it."

It was funny to hear the enthusiasm for this in her voice, her desire for me to connect once more with my mother in some way. As she put her cup down onto the coffee table and sat back I pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead.

"What was that for," she said as I released her, looking pleased.

"Just thanks, thanks for doing this," I told her, the wonderful feeling of being loved washing over me. Perhaps it was her, perhaps it was us, perhaps it was just me being a twat because I'd seen my mum for the first time in over eight years. It didn't really matter what had caused it, I felt loved for the first time in all that time; unconditionally loved, loved for who I was.

"It was my pleasure love, I'm glad I could do something good for you."

"You do lots of good things for me Ems," I replied cheekily, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

"Play the tape Nomi," Ems replied shaking her head in mock despair.

"Yes dear."

o+o+o

#11 – Christmas

"Jingle bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the waaaayyyyyy… Oh what fun it is to ride on a one horse open sleigh…why are you making me sing this Angie? What a load of fucking bollocks, she'll hate me for this…do you want that on your conscience Angie, my daughter hating me for the rest of her life because you wanted me to sing a Christmas carol on this tape?

Ok, Ok, I'll admit it was my idea…it was my idea to sing the carol Naomi. Are you happy now? Oh shut up and operate the camera Angie, really what do I pay you for?

Anyway, annoying nurses aside…Yuletide greetings Naomi, as you can see we're having a bit of fun here today because Angie reminded me that I should do a tape about Christmas…now before you turn it off I mean our Christmas celebrations ok? Not the shit that we hate, I might be sick, but I'm not sick in the head!

I want you to know something Naomi, last Christmas was very special for me; you made it incredibly special you know that? If you didn't; I want you to know it now. All that effort you went to made the entire day very, very wonderful; and that present meant more to me than anything else you could have done. It was thoughtful, it was beautiful and it was simply perfect; I love it to bits, in fact I have it here with me now, it means I can have you with me even when you can't be here.

Right, so we need to deal with this whole Christmas thing; I know I told you that no matter where you are in the world you are I want you home for Christmas, well that doesn't look like it's going to happen any more, and I'm sure you knew it as much as I did.

So here's my message to you for this time of year, keep our spirit alive Naomi dear, raise a glass of something expensive and nice to us and remember that we had some very good times despite all the commercialised pseudo-religious bullshit.

Remember that for thousands of years it's been a special time of year, a time when families come together and thank the Gods for what has gone before and for what they have to look forward to in the year to come. I want you to remember that for when you have a family, however small. Whether it's you and one other person, or you having your family of your own, I want you to keep on giving thanks for all you've received. Keep up the history Naomi love, keep it up and try to remember me when you do it, that's what traditions are about.

We had some great times at Christmas love, and I want you to keep doing that, please don't lose sight of what we had as time goes on…and don't tell me you won't because I know what you're like. I bet you've done no planning for this, your first Christmas on your own, and that's not good enough…I want at least a Yule log organising Naomi, and perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask for you to light a candle or two like we used to? You could even put out a glass of something for me, like you used to do for Father Christmas, I think I'd like that; after all I sent years drinking that foul sherry you used to make me leave out with the mince pies.

I think that would be really appropriate, remember I'm looking down on you dear, I'll know if you don't do it!

So here's the deal Naomi, do this for me…at some point on Christmas Eve or Christmas day, when you have the time, put this tape on again and share a few minutes with me. Wherever you are in the world let me be a part of your Christmas, just like when I was alive and able to make it happen myself.

Merry Christmas, Joyous Yuletide and all of that Naomi love, may your New Year be filled with happiness….cheers!"

o+o+o

"I never did you know," I said to Emily as the screen went black again; my voice choked as I repeated what I had told her before. "I never did celebrate Christmas again after she died, not in the same way; I just couldn't do it."

"You didn't know though Nomi, I'm sure she'll understand."

"Yeah," I agreed, "she totally would, still makes me feel bad though. I should have watched these when she intended, should have known they'd be important."

"Nomi?" Emily said, causing me to twist around to look at her, those glorious eyes staring back at me, "you didn't know any of this until today, you can't begin blaming yourself for not following her wishes without ever knowing what they were; and you can't blame yourself for not watching these tapes either. You were seventeen babe and your mother had just died; you had a lot to deal with."

"Perhaps," I agreed half heartedly, still feeling that I'd betrayed mum in some serious way.

"Perhaps nothing," she said a firmness in her voice that was tinged with sympathy. "You know I'm right; besides, she'd forgive you anything, she loves you to bits; you can totally see that in these tapes."

"Yeah," I said, not wanting to have an argument about something so obvious; the guilt was still there, but Emily was right as usual. There was no point blaming myself for things I have no control over; it was something I'd spent a lot of time discussing with Joanna in our sessions, guilt. Joanna was firmly of the belief that guilt was behind everything that had been affecting me; guilt about mum, guilt about Paul, guilt about just about fucking everything.

"It's like you need your guilt Naomi, you want to hold onto it, polish it, cherish it almost," she had said to me in a session before we left for America. "We're going to have to work on that."

"What 'letting it go'?" I'd said slightly sarcastically, waiting for the classic therapists line.

"Well I was more thinking about not adding to it," she'd said quietly, making me think. "Do you feel guilty about your relationship with Emily?"

"Not particularly," I'd replied with certainty, "we've worked out what we need to and I'm quite comfortable with that."

"Well that's an improvement Naomi, definitely an improvement."

"Thanks."

"Do you want to see what she has to say about me then Nomi?" Emily asked nudging me from my internalisation, "Put on tape twenty?"

"Yeah, why not," I said cracking a smile. "Might be a laugh to see what she has to say about a girlfriend of mine. I think I need a drink first though."

"You've hardly touched the one I made you," she said indignantly, gesturing at my still practically full cup.

"Yeah, there's a reason for that love," I told her as I stood up, collected our cups and walked out into the kitchen.

"What's that?" she called after me, "something to do with your mother and tea? Something about these tapes?"

"Nah," I said poking my head around the doorway from the little hall. "It's mainly because you make tea like you cook…really fucking badly."

"You bitch," she shouted, scrambling from the sofa to chase me as I laughed and ran as fast as my feet could carry me. I'd barely managed to close my bedroom door when there was a loud thud as Emily slammed into it, followed by the pounding of fists on the wooden panels. "Let me in Campbell," she shouted through my barricade. "I'll make you eat those words."

"Well they'll probably taste better than your cooking dear," I teased, enjoying the sound of laughter in what was supposed to be her affronted voice.

"Open this door right now Naomi!"

"Well that wouldn't be tactically sound now would it?" I said walking away from the door and flopping down onto the bed. "How many times have I told you that anything between you and your assailant is an advantage, especially a door?"

"I'm going to make you regret insulting my tea making skills Naomi Campbell, I can sit outside all night if I need to; there was nothing wrong with that cuppa and you know it."

"Ems, how long did you leave the teabag in for? That brew was so strong it practically needed chewing, I had to use the spoon to chisel off the crust."

"Will you quit taking the piss and open this door Campbell," she laughed, still pounding on the frame, "stop being an arse."

"Doors not locked Ems," I said sitting up and readying myself just in case. "You really should learn to check these things."

The pounding stopped abruptly and the handle turned, the door opening slowly to reveal a sheepish looking Emily Fitch.

"Didn't even think about actually trying to open the door," she admitted as she walked over to me. "I was sure you would have locked it."

"Always try the obvious Ems," I told her as she perched herself on my lap, her arms reaching around my neck and toying with my hair. "Sometimes the most obvious thing to do is the best."

"I'll remember that," she said winking at mw; "anyway, I didn't know you could do subtle; I thought you were a 'kick in the door' kind of girl."

"I can be subtle as well you know," I told her as she pushed her lips tantalisingly close to mine, holding us apart by a fraction of a millimetre; her soft, warm breath tickling my face. "Sometimes."

"So can I…" she said suddenly tugging at my t-shirt, pulling it over my head and throwing it across the room; she looked at me hungrily for a second before pushing me backwards and stripping off her own shirt, sending it after mine to land in the corner.

"…sometimes," she finished lowering herself on to me.

She was right.

o+o+o

The sun was setting as we settled down on the sofa once more, freshly brewed and drinkable cups of tea in hand. I'd dragged a protesting Emily out of bed and into the kitchen, promising her how to make a decent cup of tea. I nearly fucked it up myself this time though, her delicious arse a terrible distraction when covered only by a large t-shirt. A large t-shirt that rose up an awful lot as I asked her to reach for item after item from the shelves.

Finally though, and much to my regret, I had to admit defeat and send her to pull some clothes on; her cheeky grin telling me she knew exactly what I'd been doing. I poured the milk into the cups with a smile before following her into the bedroom to pick up my clothes, dressing quickly under the longing gaze of my girl.

"You ready?" Ems asked as we sat down again, laying her hand on my thigh; "lets see what she has to say about your girlfriend shall we?"

"Yes let's," I replied, sitting back and taking a breath. Ems smiled and clicked on the video, sitting back next to me as my mums pale face appeared on the screen once more.

o+o+o

#20 – Girlfriend

"Hello again Naomi, I really hope that you're happy and well and all loved up…I assume you are anyway otherwise you'd never look at this tape, would you?

Anyway, I realised that I hadn't ever had to give you the benefit of my years of experience in relationships; and yes that was a joke before you start snorting and rolling your eyes. What I really wanted to do was talk to you about being in a relationship, and then get five minutes with your new girlfriend if you're serious about her enough to want her to "talk" to me.

You see Naomi I know you were a difficult teenager, and I'm worried that all of the problems that you, and we, had along the way might affect you, and that you might find yourself looking for advice in the wrong places…most probably from inside that head of yours. Trust me Naomi, if you're still anything like the girl I brought up, the last place you want to go looking for advice is inside yourself ok?

So, if I assume you're watching this because you find yourself in a relationship, I have the following things to ask; do you love her, and are you serious about her?

Now you're probably sitting there thinking that I'm a dotty old bat and that I'm asking you the same thing, but I assure you I'm not, I'm asking you the two most important questions I can think of. Firstly are you serious about her?

I suspect you've already decided that you are serious about this girl, well if you're going to let her see the rest of this tape you are, but I just want to check. By serious I mean that you're committed to her, want to be with her, find yourself at the very least happy in her presence? Without that commitment Naomi, nothing will ever work…I think we both know that.

Secondly dear, are you in love? because you can be serious about someone and not be in love with them at all. Though I suspect you know that too. You probably want to ask me how do you know if you're in love, right? Well, I'm afraid I don't have a definite answer for you little one, all I can really give you are questions.

Is every part of your heart dedicated to this girl, would you give everything you have for her, would you give up everything you hold dear for her? Do you ache when you're not with her, do you worry about her every second that you're not together and do you get angry when she does something to hurt your feelings because you feel she's betrayed you? Does your stomach turn flips when you're with her, does your world feel emptier when she's not around?

That's love Naomi, or at least it's a part of it. Love can't really be encapsulated in words like this, love can only be described by feelings and I know that you live by your feelings Naomi, all I ask you to do is trust them, not question them…can you do that for me, for you, for her?

So that's my advice on what I mean by love and commitment, the best I can do anyway. Now what I can tell you with some confidence is that if you have one, or the other, that's nothing really special. Love without commitment is empty, commitment without love is emptier still. But if you have both, and I feel that you might well think you have if you're still listening, well it's a wonderful thing; something that should be cherished forever.

Don't be scared of it Naomi, you have to give yourself to it totally in order that you can truly appreciate, enjoy and cherish what you have with this other person.

Now that's a lot to take in I know, especially for you, so what I want you to do is this; put this tape on pause and sit the lady in your life down on a chair and let her watch the rest of this message while you bugger off and think about the following question…do you cherish this girl? Do you love her, do you truly love her; and most of all do you see yourself being with her for the rest of your life? Think on that while we talk…now run along love, bring her in.

o+o+o

"I don't think I was supposed to see that part babes," Emily said as I leaned forward and paused the video file on the computer. "I think that was for you alone."

"I think you may be right," I said, my brain still reeling at my mothers words, words that affected me from beyond the grave. "I'll, er…I'll leave you to it."

"You sure babe?" she asked as I stood up and kissed her.

"Yeah, she wants to talk to you without me watching hun, I think I should respect that; I really think you should be on your own with her."

"Ok babe, if you're sure. Do you want me to shout you when it's over?"

"Please, then I'll make us dinner or something." I said walking into the hallway.

"We'll order out babe," Emily shouted as I walked towards my room, thinking that I'd hide in there, "my treat!"

I shouted my agreement and then, as I heard the speakers on the computer fire up once more, I squatted down outside the doorway and decided to do some 'information gathering' as I preferred to call eavesdropping. As I strained my ears I heard the sound of my mothers voice ring out again, and the creak of material as Emily settled back on the sofa to listen.

o+o+o

"Hello dear, my name is Gina and I'm Naomi's mother, though I hope you already know that, if you don't know that then we're in worse shape than I thought. Right, we need to have words; I assume you're probably far more used to having this kind of talk face to face, rather than like this, but as you know this is the best I can do.

This is the point where I suppose I'm supposed to warn you about hurting my daughter, so here it is; no matter who, or what, you think Naomi is, I know she's a sensitive soul. She deserves the best, so if you're fucking with her in any way I expect you to piss off now and leave her to find someone that's worth her effort…

still here? Well good, perhaps you are the one to make her happy. Let me tell you something dear, my Naomi is a complicated girl, she's capable of so much love, but she's subject to so much pain as well. If you're the right person for her, she'll give you just about everything she has to give, and if she does that you'll have the ability to hurt her more than any other person on the planet.

So I suppose my role here is to try and help you understand my daughter, well that's going to be difficult as I recorded this when she was seventeen; even so, I don't think much will have changed. A leopard never changes its spots and neither does my daughter. Let me just repeat this, stress it to you if you like, my daughter has a capacity for love that is larger than anyone else's I have ever known. You seem to be the lucky person that has managed to tap into that love somehow and I'm really happy for you, she's a wonderful, beautiful person; though I know as her mother I would say that wouldn't I?

What I need you to know is that, she doesn't always show get love in the best ways possible; she's not a touchy feely person for example, I doubt she's going to be the sort of girlfriend that's going to be all affectionate in public. She's also going to spend a lot of time in her head, she's quite the thinker my daughter, and sometimes she can forget people are around; but please, don't let that put you off. For you to get to this point means something quite special and I hope you appreciate just how privileged you are; you've got my daughters heart.

Of course that means we have to have words, and I'm told it's sort of traditional that they should be threatening words…though to be realistic any threats I may give you are a bit meaningless given that I'm dead; but let me tell you this, do not play with her affections, do not break her heart…basically don't hurt her, or I'll come back and haunt you!

Seriously though, please don't fuck her about, as I say she's a sensitive soul really and you have the capacity to do her great damage. If something happens that means you want to end what you have, please just be honest with her; lying and cheating will probably hurt her more than anything else you could possibly do. She doesn't deserve that, my daughter, she deserves to give her love to someone that can love her back unconditionally. If you can't accept her for who and what she is, if you can't love her without wanting to change her, then I think you should walk away right now; she'll only resent your actions and eventually you'll fall apart. In fact she'll probably be the one to push you both apart and I'm afraid that you'll probably both walk away from your relationship with scars. You probably know that my daughter can bark, but let me tell you, her bite is just as dangerous; trust me…I know, I have the scars as well.

If you can love her for who she is…well, be prepared for the ride of your life. It won't always be easy, but then nothing worthwhile ever is; and worthwhile it will be, I assure you of that. I watched Naomi as she grew up into a wonderful woman and I know she will only have got better with age. She's stubborn though, so stubborn that I know she's not far away right now; probably listening intently to see if you say anything that will give her any idea on how you're reacting to what I've said; probably wondering if she should stay or start running.

She runs a lot does my Naomi, I hope you're prepared to run after her; I hope that you're fast enough to catch her, or faithful enough to make her want to turn right around and come back to you.

I wish I could have known you, whoever you are; please treat my baby well. Now if I were you I'd call her in so you can have a chat, make sure you're both ok, and that this little tape hasn't ruined anything you might have. I hope that, if anything, I've managed to make you stronger than you were; now you know my Naomi a little better that is.

Tell her I love her, in fact I love you both; be happy.

o+o+o

"Nomi, are you ok?" I heard Emily ask from the doorway. She cut a blurry figure as she walked toward me and squatted down. "I take it she was right, you listened in didn't you? I heard you crying when it finished."

She kissed the top of my head as I nodded. "She knew you very well didn't she?"

"Yeah," I said sniffing and blinking rapidly to clear my vision, "she was my mum and my best friend for so long; I miss her a lot."

"Well now you have her back, in some small way, it's not the same I know, it'll never be the same…"

"…but it's better than what I had," I interrupted, "a few photographs, a lot of memories and a grave. I'd almost forgotten what she sounded like you know? It's been so long since I actually heard her voice."

"Are you going to be all right though babes? This is all a lot to take in, and... "

"…I'll be fine love," I told her, interrupting her worrying, feeling confident that it was the truth.

"Well if you're sure," she replied, standing and holding out her hands to me.

"I'm sure," I said taking them.

"She's right you know, your mum, you really are a very special person," she said hauling me to my feet; "but she was wrong about one thing though."

"What was that then?" I asked, suddenly curious as she led me back into the living room and sat me down on the sofa. Wondering what my mother could possibly had got wrong about me in Emily's eyes.

"She said you're not very affectionate, not very touchy feely, you seem pretty touchy feely to me; in public as well as in private, when you don't have to put that CPO mask on of yours that is."

"Yeah well, perhaps I just like touching you hun," I said pulling her down onto me and running my fingers down her side; "perhaps I quite like feeling you too."

"Perhaps you're a different woman to the one she knew?" she said, reaching up to run her soft fingers down my cheek.

"No, she got it spot on babe," I explained; "with one minor flaw to her argument."

"What was that love?" Ems asked as I kissed her fingers as they traced my lips, ticking slightly.

"She never knew you."

.

.

.

Authors Note – I am *so* glad that is now over, originally it was going to be a lot longer, but I'm glad that it isn't, I think it works better like this…less in this case is more.

Ok, to clear up one thing before I'm asked; in my head tape #21, (the 'missing tape' as it shall now be known because it was never going to be written about), is simply the same as tape #20, except perhaps a bit harder in tone as Gina spoke to Naomi's possible boyfriend.

However, I have been supplied an alternative by vangoghgurrl who proofed this chapter for me, (because I was being all paranoid about it), so this is how it would have gone if she'd had her way.

o+o+o

#21 – Boyfriend

"Naomi love, you are SO gay."

o+o+o

Thanks for that M, I'll leave it to you lot to decide which one you like the best (-:

One more bit of news, if you remember I mentioned I'd written a story for the Skins Big Bang over on LiveJournal, it'll probably get put up here at some point, but if you can't wait until then it's going live on the 11th with some artwork and stuff by the lovely Shan….I'm excited to see it published finally, it's one piece of writing I'm actually quite proud of, (shut up you two!).

Anyway, until next week have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Es