A/N: The last few weeks of life have been crazy, and I can imagine with school ending for most, it was for you guys too lol I know there a lot of new high school grads around since the last time I updated, so CONGRATS to all of you :)

Since it's an important lead in to what you'll see of Sage this chapter, and because it's been a while, I'm just placing the last piece of the PREVIOUS chapter, which ended on a cliffhanger, in case you want a refresher :)

And don't forget how much I love hearing from you guys. Feedback makes the really long hours, the epically long and difficult Saturdays full of work, more than worth it lol :)

...

"I want Kendall," she slurred, feeling like he didn't exist anymore, like she didn't know where he was. "I need to get out," she struggled for air.

The scalpel seemed to move on its own accord when it cut into her, drawing a deep line right through the faded scar she had gained during her first escape from Elliot.

"I'm leaving… I can't stay here." She sobbed without realizing it.

She was inconsolable. She couldn't hear the boys yelling. She couldn't feel anything inside of herself, but when James grabbed her she screamed. He wasn't James anymore.

He was Elliot.

"I'm not staying. I need to get out of this room. I don't love you," she whimpered, trying to push him away even though she couldn't see him clearly.

James tried to get her to stop thrashing around, tried to stop her from hurting herself even further. He had to stop her from taking her own life.

There was more panic she couldn't register, more shouting. Was it coming from her?

The scalpel was ripped from her hand, and she cried harder, squirmed with more purpose. She needed that. She needed it to get leverage over Elliot. He wouldn't let her leave any other way.

"Help!"

"We need help!"

That sounded like Logan and Carlos, but they weren't really there. They couldn't have been. She was alone with Elliot. That's all she ever was.

"Ah!" Sage cried out when a sharp pain went through her upper arm, and she started fading completely after that. Her room was disappearing, no more light, no more anything.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" James muttered repeatedly as he let her go, a doctor and a nurse taking over once Sage had been sedated in his arms.

James didn't want to let them have her. He wanted him, Logan, and Carlos to be enough. But all they could do was watch as the doctor loaded her onto a bed and took her away, assessing her arm and her vitals while she lay limp. They hadn't even had time to cope with the fact that Kendall could die, and now they were wondering if Sage might leave them too. Their family was broken. And, this time, they weren't so sure that it could be fixed.

With wet eyes, uneven breaths, and aching hearts, the three boys now stood alone.

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.

-waterwicca


CHAPTER 56: BIG TIME DISINTEGRATION


"This isn't how this weekend was supposed to go," Logan sighed and titled his head to look up at the ceiling of the hospital room.

The tiles were a murky white, dusted with speckles of brown, like sand.

"The five of us should be at the beach house celebrating your engagement." He thought for several beats of silence, visually tracing the pieces of ceiling to create geometric shapes. "We should be excited, talking about wedding plans…"

Logan's eyes fell to his lap in a speedy sweep, purposefully missing the sight in front of him. He couldn't linger there. It hurt too much.

"James should be trying to drown Carlos in the Pacific over something ridiculous like a corndog. I'm supposed to be sitting beside you and Sage, thinking how stupid our friends are and how perfect everything is. How we're finally getting on our feet, how good things are…"

He paused, his words burning his throat as he brought his gaze over towards his shoes when he caught a splotch of red. They were the ones he had worn when he found Kendall and Sage, when he had gotten covered in his best friend's blood. He thought it was all gone, but it still coated him. His skin, freshly and thoroughly scrubbed, still felt sticky with it, and now there was a very real drop of the substance beneath his foot, following him everywhere he went.

"Nothing's good, though. I don't know why I actually believed it would be."

Logan snorted with false laughter as he let his raised leg fall back to the ground, his bloodied sole meeting manila linoleum. The rest of the sounds in the room came back to him when the rubber squeaked. There was the beep of the heart monitor, steady and strong, but that was a lie when he paired it with the hiss of the ventilator beside it.

"I need you to wake up and make things good again, Kendall." Logan finally let his eyes come up to the bed he sat beside. "It's too hard without you."

Kendall, his leader, the boy he looked up to for everything when it all got too fucked, was out of commission. The surgery had gone as well as the doctors could have hoped, which Logan knew meant that Kendall had simply survived on the table, but he wasn't exactly living. With a severe concussion and the blood loss from the bullet wound, his body hadn't fared well.

"It's just like you to get fuckin' shot. You're always getting your ass in trouble," Logan grinned, blinking drowsily when he looked to Kendall's motionless face. "But don't you think possible brain trauma and a coma is a little extreme?" He rubbed at his eyes when they began to sting. "The doctors say we have to 'wait and see.' It hasn't even been a full day and I'm tired of waiting. We're all tired…"

Logan stared at Kendall for a while, thinking about how he was getting enough sleep for all of them. The blonde was in a calm state, heartbeat rhythmic and blood pressure stable because of the machines helping him. He was tucked into his bed snugly, hospital gown covering his chest, concealing the healing bullet wound and surgery incisions. The ventilator was attached at his mouth with a tube going right down to his lungs to breathe for him. Logan counted twenty inhales and exhales, timing his with his brother's.

"They say you have to heal on your own, that the ventilator gives you your best chance. There was internal bleeding, bruising in your brain. Your heart gave out once during s-surgery…"

Logan stopped talking, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his face with his hands. Voices swarmed through his mind. The doctors, at least three different ones, had told them so much about Kendall. Life support. Traumatic injuries. Lack of oxygen to vital organs. Next of kin. The longer it lasts, the worst it looks. 50/50 chance...

"You're not allowed to die, Kendall. This family needs you… Do you know how hard it was to tell your mother what happened?" Logan hissed, seething as he sat forward on his chair, staring right at Kendall. Of course, he didn't move. "Do you know what it's like listening to her cry?" He calmed himself, settling back into his chair again when he was only met with the beeps and pumps of the machines on the other side of Kendall's bed. "She wanted to rush out here with David and Katie yesterday, but I convinced her to settle things in Minnesota first… It'd be nice of you to wake the hell up so I don't have to watch her heart break in person…"

Still nothing.

"It'd be nice to have some answers, too," he added softly. "We talked to the doctors and the police yesterday, but we don't really know anything… What happened in that house, Kendall?" Logan whispered before grinding his teeth together.

The day before had been one of the most frustrating in his life. Without the statements of Kendall and Sage the police could only help them guess what had happened in the room. Because of the reasons behind the restraining order, and further evidence gathered from the crime scene, they could tell that Elliot was to blame for the night's tragedy. But the case wouldn't come to an end. They couldn't have complete closure until Sage and Kendall, the only survivors, told their stories. However, one of them was in a coma and the other hadn't been seen since her "suicide attempt" and sedation in the ER the previous morning.

"What am I supposed to tell Sage? She can't handle seeing you like this. She-" Logan's eyes slipped shut and his head tilted back. "She cut herself, Kendall. Why would she do th-that?"

Logan could still see that look of distance on her face, how they had gone from family to just strangers in a room. He couldn't stop visualizing the scalpel sliding across the scar on her arm, the one he gave her when he stitched her up years ago. The incision had been even deeper this time. The blood had poured onto the floor so fast.

"They won't let us see her yet. We've been waiting, asking… All they'll say is that they're holding her here." Logan shook his head, refocusing on Kendall. "James said she wasn't right, but I thought she'd be fine," he insisted. His voice rose to a panic, like he had something to prove, like Kendall would argue with him. He wished he would. "She's not, though. The way she was talking… She needed help, and we weren't enough," Logan groaned. "I don't even know if you'd be enough now. The way she was talking, the way she looked so- I never- What if we never fixed her, Kendall? What if we hurt her?"

Logan had worked so hard, studied so much to get Sage past her trauma, but he was starting to doubt whether or not any progress they had made even meant anything.

"She just broke, and we couldn't do a thing to stop it. We couldn't get through to her." Logan's leg bounced repetitively. "I knew she should have been seeing a therapist from the start. I should have pushed you harder on that, but I didn't… I can't…" Logan thought back to his and Kendall's battle over help for Sage when she first showed up. He had caved so easily after Kendall begged him for "no doctors" and Sage looked horrified at the thought.

It all worked out though. Things had been good for a long time now, hadn't they?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. The five of us need each other. How are we going to function with two of us missing?" His leg stopped twitching as he rubbed his palms on his knees. "The dynamics are so fucked," Logan sighed heavily. "James and Carlos are relying on me. They won't say anything, but they keep looking at me for answers… I don't have any." Logan scratched at the back of his neck and peered out the window on the other side of the room.

The morning sun was strong, golden and warm, but Logan didn't feel soothed.

"How am I supposed to fix this for us? I can't wake you up. I can't snap my fingers and make Sage stable. She needs you. James and Carlos need you. I n-need you, man…"

Logan paused and watched Kendall. A foolish part of him, the part that wanted to throw away logic and rely on miracles and magic, believed his declaration, his begging, would stir Kendall instantly. He wanted the blonde to open his eyes, to reach out for his hand, to tell him everything was going to be taken care of. But there was nothing from the patient other than the rise and fall of his chest as the ventilator did its work.

"It scares me how much we rely on each other, how empty I feel without you two," Logan admitted gently, dropping his gaze and picking at his nails. "It scares me that we'd all die for each other… That's what you did, isn't it? You took that bullet for Sage?"

He waited as if he'd get a response, and when he received nothing in return he only got more irate.

"So, you bleed for her, she bleeds for you. I'd bleed for James, he'd bleed for Carlos and on, and on, and on. Where does it end?" Logan's hand formed into a fist, his nails digging into his skin. The sting gave him focus. It stopped his mind from wandering into dangerous territory.

He glanced at Kendall, searching for an answer of any kind. He needed support, confirmation from the one person he always looked up to without fault, but he couldn't have it now.

"I just- I thought this family was set," Logan continued with a quick swipe of his tongue over his dry bottom lip, his hands slipping into even tighter fists again after stretching his fingers. "We were living the dream. B-But… Nothing's ever really what we plan it to be I guess…"

He forced his focus away from Kendall, staring up at the ceiling once again, counting the grains of brown as he spoke.

"It feels like ages ago, but I remember when I thought I'd be in med school right now. I figured James would be running amok on the streets of Los Angeles, and maybe Carlos would be in art school… or jail," Logan chuckled quietly, but when he remembered Kendall couldn't laugh with him, his smile faded nearly as soon as it had arrived. "But somehow we all ended up together, living one life… Five minds in one and we still don't have shit figured out."

He tried to smile again, but it wouldn't form. He was too exhausted, all of his muscles slackening as he slumped in the chair.

"All you ever wanted—what we wanted—was for Elliot to be gone for good. He's dead now, but what does that matter? The damage is done." Tears threatened to form and Logan battled them off, squeezing his eyes shut. "We should've gotten there sooner. If I called 911 outside the gate like I should have, maybe this wouldn't be so bad… If we ran harder, drove faster… If Gabriel called just a few minutes earlier we could have gotten to the room before Elliot pulled the trigger…"

Logan groaned, fingers sliding into his hair as he leaned forward, his eyes still shut.

"There are too many what-ifs. I'm going freakin' crazy." He pulled at his dark locks. "I need something to control. I just don't know-"

"Logan?"

The sound of someone calling his name made his heart thud against his ribcage. For a brief second he let himself believe Kendall had said it, through the machinery in his body and all. But it was just Carlos, standing at the door with circles under his eyes and a rigid posture.

"The doctors upstairs said we could see Sage now. They, um, got her in a r-room…" Carlos trailed off, his volume lessening and a stutter kicking in when he dared to look at Kendall. Almost as soon as his eyes were on the bed, they were back to Logan, and he stepped a little further into the hallway behind him with his hand still on the doorknob. "James is waiting for us."

"Okay," Logan nodded and stood up, stretching towards the tiles above and cracking his back as his eyes dried. In front of Carlos, in front of the others, he had to be strong. He tried to turn into a leader, what they needed him to be. "I'll be back later, Kendall," he patted the boy's hand, careful of the IV and the wires draped around him. "We'll let you know what happens with Sage…" Logan moved back slowly but finally turned away completely to walk out the door Carlos held open for him.

"Do you really think he can hear us?" Carlos wondered after several moments, meeting each of Logan's strides with his own as they walked side by side to the elevator. They passed a familiar nurse, most likely on her way to Kendall's room for his regular checks.

"Studies say it's likely," Logan shrugged, punching the upward arrow button near the elevator doors.

"Oh," was all Carlos offered as he shoved his hands into his pockets and climbed aboard with Logan once the elevator got to them. He didn't say anything else after that, riding up to the top floor in silence.

James was standing at the entrance to the "psychiatric ward," the words on the wall above the door in bold black letters. He gave them two visitors' passes with shaking hands, having already checked in with the nurse at the window beside him. His own pass was clipped to the pocket of his jeans.

"They said her doctor is in there waiting for us..." he jerked his head towards the entryway behind him, following Logan to the sealed doors when he took charge and stepped forward first. A buzzing sound was heard as the security guard on the other side allowed them in, the man's face a practiced expression of indifference with traces of sympathy bleeding through.

The corridor to the nurses' station at the center of the ward was short and clearly labeled, not much littering the hall except for a wheelchair or two scattered among regular chairs along the walls. Nurses and doctors walked past them intermittently, the occasional psych patient following suit with their eyes either glued curiously onto the boys or turned away purposefully. Logan took everything in, observing and calculating. Carlos merely kept his head down as if nothing around him existed, and James stayed alert, memorizing and scrutinizing it all with a firm posture.

Through all the movement, they caught the attention of one doctor in particular. He was slender and tall, with graying hair and a bit of scruff along his jaw. He strode down the hall with easy authority, comfortable in the place that made Logan, Carlos, and James feel anxious. He stopped occasionally to look at a chart that a woman in scrubs had handed him, but by the time the boys reached him at the nurses' station, they had his full focus.

"I assume you're the three that came in with Sage Henderson?" he spoke softly, the sound low in the wide space around them, but it held a strength and a confidence that gave Logan enough courage to speak.

"Yes, I'm Logan. This is Carlos and James." He pointed to each of his friends, who both stood watching and waiting. They didn't look like they wanted to talk to the doctor at all. That's the way it had been since they arrived at the hospital 24 hours earlier. They trusted Logan to take care of it, and he didn't really feel like he had the option to argue.

"It's nice to meet you, boys. My name is Adrian Kroger. I'll be handling Ms. Henderson's case."

"Is she okay?" James wondered, shifting on his feet beside Carlos.

"She's stable right now," Dr. Kroger answered, his lips settling into a thin line and his brown eyes softening as he glanced at the chart he held. "We don't know much about her condition quite yet, but I'm expecting her treatment to be long-term when it comes to-"

"Condition? Long-term?" Logan's entire body tensed. "I thought this was just going to be a 72 hour hold for the cutting…" He was getting nauseous, and he refused to look at either James or Carlos by his sides. He knew their faces of confusion and dread would mirror his own, only they'd be pointed in his direction instead of the doctor's.

"I'm afraid going home isn't an option I'd advise right now, not with the state she's in," Dr. Kroger sighed and dropped the hand that held Sage's chart to his waist. "She's not responsive. She's alert, breathing and walking on her own. I'd call her downright calm, but she doesn't respond to stimuli. There's no reaction to noise or touch from others. We believe she's having a psychotic break."

"This is bullshit," James growled into Logan's ear, his hand a sudden and heavy weight on his shoulder. "We have to take her home. She doesn't wanna be here."

"James, stop," Logan glared back at him in warning. He looked to Carlos to see if the boy was just as angry as his friend, but his face was blank and still trained on the doctor. "Are you sure it's not just a reaction to strangers? We told a few doctors yesterday, Sage has a rough past…" Logan tapered off awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't have to explain it all again: the rape, the imprisonment, the mental torture and its aftermath. It always sent an ache through his heart and a burning through his bones, a sense of panic paired with uselessness because he couldn't change what had happened.

"Yes, I'm aware of all that," Dr. Kroger assured them with a sturdier tone. "That's actually why I think she'll need to stay here longer than the 72 hour suicide watch... Given her past, and how you claim she reacts to certain situations, I'd say she's completely shut down now. She's been mute the entire time we've cared for her. We stitched up her arm and some of the more serious lacerations on her wrists, but she's never made a peep, not even during the more… invasive… parts of her physical evaluation."

Dr. Kroger seemed sympathetic, his eyes dropping to the floor. Because of Sage's inability to consent to treatment and her lack of next of kin, she immediately became a ward of the state in the hospital. They had to provide the best treatment possible, and after the police and the medics reported what they had found in the room, and the boys explained her life with Elliot, a thorough exam was necessary.

"Physically, she's nearly fine. But mentally, it's a whole other story." Dr. Kroger motioned for them to follow as he spun around and walked down another short hallway, only a few yards away from the nurses' station and a recreation area for the patients containing a small television and blunt furniture. He led them to a wide window next to a closed door. When he pulled back the curtains covering the glass, Sage was revealed.

She sat on the bed in her assigned room. Her legs were folded beneath her, posture relaxed despite the fact that a male nurse, which even Logan would say reminded him of Elliot in body structure, was touching her. He was changing the bandage on her arm, rolling white gauze over the cleanly stitched cut. The wounds on her wrists were bare, shiny with antibiotic ointment.

Logan's brow furrowed at the scene.

Sage should have been flinching, pulling away from the man's grasp on her arm, shying away from his presence in her personal space, especially near a bed, but she was entirely somber. Her fingers tapped delicately against her knee cap to a beat only heard in her head, hitting the cotton of the sweatpants that the staff had changed her into.

"She's catatonic, dissociating from reality…" Dr. Kroger paused to look at the boys, knowing they would need a moment to process what he was trying to tell them. They looked terrified. "Like I said before, nothing we've done has had any effect. I've tried everything, but she doesn't seem to know that we even exist… However, we can guide her a bit without a problem—the nurse walked her all the way to her room from the medical ward—but she hasn't acknowledged anyone."

"She's just scared," James whispered, rolling his shoulders to release some of his tension. It didn't seem to have the desired effect. His eyes bore holes through the window, staring down the male nurse.

"Can we see her?" Carlos asked as he crossed his arms over his chest, stepping just a bit more behind Logan.

"Absolutely," Dr. Kroger nodded energetically, a new light in his eyes. "I'm hoping you'll have an effect on her. In cases like this, where the patient is having trouble joining reality, it's often best to have loved ones around. She's lucky she's got you. You'd be surprised how many people here are left alone."

He moved to the door of Sage's room, opening it and addressing his colleague.

"Ryan, can you step out, please?" he ordered the aid at Sage's side. The man nodded and smoothed the gauze on her arm one more time before backing away. Sage didn't move at all when he did so or when Dr. Kroger spoke suddenly. No customary cringes or grimaces. No alarm or fear whatsoever. "He or another staff member will come by about every fifteen minutes or so to check on her. It's routine for suicide watch," the doctor explained to the boys as he stepped aside to let the man pass.

"Do you think she'll hurt herself again?" Logan hesitantly walked to the door with Carlos after James rushed to be first only to stall in the entryway and look back.

"Honestly, there's always a chance, but she doesn't seem aggressive or out of control to me like they say she was downstairs yesterday right before the incident. Only time will tell, though…" Dr. Kroger shrugged, the chart pressed against his chest and his face compassionate despite all his years delivering similar news to numerous families.

"She's gonna be fine," James declared, his chin held high and his jaw set stiffly, but he didn't make a move into the room yet.

"James, don't-" Logan stopped his words abruptly when James huffed loudly, eyes rolling towards the ceiling. Carlos bit at the inside of his cheek, stepping even further behind Logan so he wasn't between him and James.

"I'll give you guys a minute before we get started," Dr. Kroger murmured gently, his vision swaying back and forth among the group before he reached into Sage's room and shut the door once again.

Carlos watched his sister through the window closely, looking for any movement at the squeak of the hinge or at the doctor's presence directly in front of her eyes, but she stayed calmly seated on the bed, her fingers picking at a thread on the knee of her pants. He looked away, finding his shoes interesting as Dr. Kroger retreated several feet down the hall to create a sense of privacy. The doctor stopped the nurse that had just left the room, the two men entering a soft-spoken discussion as Dr. Kroger slipped his glasses out of his pocket and perched them low on his nose. He nodded enthusiastically as his co-worker said something that encouraged him to grasp for the pen he had on top of his clipboard, biting the cap off between his teeth to scribble something on Sage's chart.

"I feel sick," Carlos mumbled, breaking off a glaring match he hadn't known James and Logan were engaging in.

"You want some water, Car?" Logan offered, reaching out and squeezing his friend's arm. "We don't have to do this right now. We could come back later…" he suggested when Carlos refused to raise his head.

"Don't be stupid. The sooner we get in there, the sooner we can take her home," James gestured dramatically towards the observation window, confident and a little too eager, but he didn't look at Sage. He kept his focus on Logan. He took everything out on him.

"We have to be realistic," Logan argued, staring at James like he was the one who had lost his mind. "Were you even listening to the doctor?"

"I heard him, Logan," James spat his name and crossed his arms over his chest.

Carlos sighed, leaning away from them again, forgetting Logan's attempt at comfort just as Logan and James seemed to forget him.

"I don't think you did. Look at her, James!" Logan pointed to the window, right past a sullen Carlos, towards where Sage sat.

It was unnerving, depressing and terrifying, how gone she looked. How detached she was. She wasn't their girl. She wasn't Sage. They didn't have to be in the room to feel it, to know it; to know that the battle to getting her back—if it was even possible—was practically a fully vertical climb. They should have known, should have admitted it to themselves, like Logan was nearly ready to, that Sage wasn't okay. She was the furthest from it than she had ever been. They should have realized it the second they watched her blood spill onto the floor by way of her own hand. People don't just come back from that, they don't just get to pretend it didn't happen.

"Sage isn't herself-"

"Stop," James lunged towards Logan, freezing right in front of him with clenched teeth. "Stop counting her out. W-We don't know anything yet," he finished more shakily, composing himself as he backed away.

"Fine," Logan conceded, rubbing his hand over his face. "We'll see what happens," he turned in the direction Dr. Kroger had gone. "We're ready," he called out, immediately getting the psychiatrist's attention.

Dr. Kroger returned hurriedly, going to open Sage's door once again, but he paused before swinging it open.

"I think it's important for you boys to remember that there's no grand cure for this type of thing. Nothing's guaranteed. It's a good idea to keep an open mind..." he glanced at each one of them over the lenses that were still settled near the bottom of his nose.

"I-"

"We understand," Logan interrupted James when he sensed a tirade coming on. Carlos sighed again beside Logan, releasing the built up tension without actually speaking. James scowled but kept his mouth shut, choosing instead to stalk to the door once Dr. Kroger opened it. He hesitated, though, when he reached the doorway.

"It's James, right?"

He jumped when the doctor spoke beside him, then he nodded at the inquiry.

"Just try, James. I know it's uncomfortable, it's scary seeing someone in this place," Dr. Kroger titled his head towards the rest of the ward, "but just talk to her. See if she reacts. It's the only thing you can do right now."

James looked at him, his vision just level with his glasses before he tore his eyes away and straightened his shoulders. He forced his face into one of confidence and calmness when he realized the corners of his mouth had turned downward and his eyes had begun to burn.

"She'll react. She'll be fine," he declared again, but his voice wavered slightly, the sound low. He cleared his throat and stepped into the room, an annoyed but gloomy Logan in tow with a fidgeting Carlos.

Logan wanted to give a speech, to keep drilling into James' head that now was no time to favor stubbornness over rationality, but his mouth went dry as soon as he entered Sage's room. The atmosphere was heavy, not still or even serene like it had seemed for the girl through the window. It was another world once they stepped through to the other side of that glass.

Given everything the doctor had said, Logan thought that a response from her would be a long shot, but it turned out that they didn't even need to talk to her to get one. As soon as James' feet crossed the threshold, followed shortly by Logan's and Carlos', Sage's entire mood changed. Her back grew taut and her eyes darted towards them, only getting as high as James' waist before she turned away from the sight completely. The room had gone from calm, with the morning light leaking through the sealed windows, to tense in just a split second.

Sage's mouth opened, but she shut it immediately and hopped off of the bed. Her demeanor was restrained, pacing stiffly and fiddling with her fingers before settling on looking out the window with her back to them.

"Sage, can you hear us?" Carlos questioned cautiously, finding some of his own confidence in the unexpected circumstances as he inched further into the space by stepping out from behind Logan. There was hope in his eyes, his stomach no longer all that nauseous.

He, James, and Logan turned to glance at Dr. Kroger, who was watching with intense interest at the exchange, obviously bewildered, but hoping for progress. The only Sage he had ever known was the still, nonresponsive girl. This one was different. She had life in her. James glanced to Logan, looking a little smug, a little proud, but Logan didn't return the happy sentiment. James may have thought that they made her okay—that all she needed was them—but Logan couldn't agree. It didn't feel good being there. It didn't feel right. And maybe James couldn't see it yet, but his eyes probably weren't open as wide as Logan's.

"Sage?" Carlos repeated, his expression close to James', like they had won something.

"Mhm-mhm," Sage shook her head violently, arching her back away from them as if she'd been touched from all the way across the room. She composed herself almost instantly, taking a deep, loud breath and pressing her body closer to the window. "You're not supposed to be here," she whispered, fisting her hair and pushing her forehead onto the glass in front of her.

Carlos deflated, sinking slowly but surely down to Logan's level and leaving James in the clouds by himself.

"Why not?" James scoffed, taking control and striding towards her. "Sage, things are gonna be ok-"

"N-No, I don't want you here," she murmured, jerking away when James came to stand beside her. "Elliot won't like-"

"That fucker's dead," James reminded Sage with venom in his voice.

"No," she argued. Her eyes almost met James' but she turned away before they could, wandering back to the bed. She nearly ran into Carlos, but she didn't have to go around him. He moved for her, stepping away in fear of hurting her—how, he didn't understand. "I want you to go!" Sage continued her resistance, climbing back onto her bed and keeping her chin tucked against her chest.

"We need to help you…" Logan crept towards her, reaching his hand out to place it on her shoulder. He hovered there, hesitating and looking to Dr. Kroger. The man nodded in encouragement, confused eyes trained closely on his patient. When Logan's fingers touched the top of Sage's shoulder, she cried out. The sound hurt him. It felt even worse than all the times before, when she used to be unable to withstand anyone but Kendall. This time was so panicked and agitated, something more than simple a gut-reaction.

"You're m-making it harder," Sage leapt up to go to the observation window that separated her from the corridor of the hospital. She was acting like a caged animal, shying away from each of the boys at any cost.

"Making what harder, Sage?" Dr. Kroger spoke softly but clearly in an attempt at delicacy. She gave no answer. The boys watched as the doctor neared her, looking for any kind of reaction. He mimicked Logan's earlier method, reaching out and touching her shoulder.

Nothing.

"Try to keep going…" Dr. Kroger moved away from her and addressed the boys, a hint of conspiracy mixed with mystification in his voice.

The three exchanged glances, unsure of what was happening if even a doctor was perplexed. Carlos cleared his throat and tried to do what was asked of them, to pick up where they and Sage had left off.

"What are we making harder?" he walked backwards until he hit the table in the corner of the room, feeling as though he couldn't be too close to her.

"L-Living."

When Sage answered he had to rest the majority of his weight against the furniture, finding it difficult to breathe. The feeling only got worse when Carlos thought about how Sage was usually the first to comfort himin times of stress. Instead of helping him now, though, she began to rub at the fresh bandage on her arm.

"You have t-to get out of my head…" she whimpered more to herself than to them.

"She's not acting like herself. This isn't our sister," James turned on Dr. Kroger with anger, looking for someone to blame.

"James, calm down. She's just… upset," Logan tugged on his wrist, keeping him in place as they watched Sage. James was right, though. She didn't look like the person they knew. "She and Kendall dealt with a lot in that room..." James' anger turned to depression at the mention of their comatose friend.

But Logan pushed on. He got closer to Sage, reaching out for her more slowly than he had the first time. Her eyes stuck to the ground, body rigid. "Sage, you remember us, right? You know we love you…"

"It's a lie," she cried, staring at his hand. Her own twitched, lifting away from its tightly wrapped position around her torso as if she were going to take ahold of him. But then she pulled back, her eyes slipping shut and tears falling down her face. "Now I- You're not real…"

It was Logan's turn to make a noise of agony, his breath catching in his throat and his hand ripping away from her.

Sage continued to cry, scratching at her arm and wrinkling the new bandage as she curled in on herself. Carlos stood shocked near the table while James went to push past Logan with an air of defiance. Dr. Kroger stopped him, though.

"I think it's best if we give her a minute," he spoke gently but suddenly, his voice still having no visible effect on Sage. She was inching away from Logan, begging him without words to stop advancing towards her.

Logan hesitated to leave her in the state she was in. He felt stupid. He was so sure, had allowed himself to possess a bit of hope, that Sage would be okay after a little rest. He should have known better, though. That hope conflicted continuously with the logic he himself knew to be true. Sage needed more than them. She always had.

"This is promising," Dr. Kroger announced softly after ushering a reluctant James, Logan, and Carlos out of the room and shutting the door behind them.

"Are you kidding?" James' eyes widened and turned to look through the observation window at Sage. She had relaxed once they'd gone, climbing onto the bed and wiping at her tears as they dried out.

"I know it doesn't seem like a good thing, but her reacting at all is an improvement from what we were seeing yesterday. It means she's still in there. She seems to only react to you, though… It's astonishing, really," the man seemed deep in thought, most likely coming up with various courses of treatment for Sage based on his new discovery.

The boys appeared doubtful. Sage hadn't been able to be close to them before, but that was a long time ago. They'd come so far since then, and even when she was scared she never wanted them out of her life. She had allowed herself to rely on them, and they lived for that reliance. They knew nothing else.

"What's wrong with her?" Logan glanced at Sage again, watching her go back to the exact position on the bed she held when the nurse had been there. Her calmness returned as well.

"Can we fix it?" Carlos wondered, biting at his lip and tearing his attention away from the girl. He could cut off his vision of her, but the chills running along his spine remained.

Fix it. Those two words had Logan's heart skipping a beat. He thought that they had already "fixed" Sage. This breakdown, something that had come along so fast and without warning, was like a slap to his face. As soon as she sliced herself open, he knew they had been wrong. Four boys from Minnesota couldn't cure a damaged abuse victim by themselves. It didn't matter if they were a "family" or that they loved her. Those were foolish things to count on.

"Well… we're all going to do our best, alright?" Dr. Kroger spoke with a warm but cautious smile, knowing that the boys wouldn't like hearing such a non-committal answer.

They all nodded anyway.

"Now," the doctor continued, "are you three the closest people she has in her life? Does she have anyone else?" he jotted a note down on the chart he held as he spoke.

"Her fiancé is downstairs. He's recovering from surgery."

Logan didn't fail to notice how Carlos couldn't speak Kendall's name or mention the coma. He also noticed the use of the title: fiancé. Successful proposal or not, they all maintained the idea that Kendall and Sage were now engaged.

"We're her family. We know everything about her," James announced boldly, his body still leaking tension from the less-than-satisfying encounter in the room.

"Good, good…" Dr. Kroger nodded steadily, unfazed by James' continuous alpha male position. "I think you're going to be an important aspect of her recovery. I'd like to schedule some time to sit with you, to get to know yours and Ms. Henderson's situation a bit better. At this point, any information is valuable."

"You really think it's going to help?" Logan was skeptical. He couldn't imagine that getting his figurative hands on Sage's brain again could aid her recovery. He had already done so much to mess it up.

"I think it's the best chance she's got," Dr. Kroger maintained his stance, and Logan was grateful he still sounded optimistic enough for all of them. "Please don't get me wrong, though…" Logan's gratefulness subdued. "None of this is going to be easy by any means. Sage's psyche is fragmented, and her reactions are absolutely severe. It's not uncommon when it comes to trauma cases... Right now, it looks as if she's created another reality for herself after all that's happened. So, we're going to have to build you around that, use her obvious weakness for you to insert the three of you back into her life. Hopefully she'll realize you belong there. It might take a while, and you have to understand that nothing is certain…" he waited as they took the grim fact in. When they offered no arguments, he continued. "Also, Sage is a ward of the state, she has no biological relatives that we know of, so there will be a hearing in a few days to determine her psychiatric care situation. Institutionalization may be considered…"

Logan tuned the doctor out, really thinking that he was going to vomit. It was all too much to handle. He needed Kendall. They all did. They needed to hear him say it would be alright, that they were strong enough to do this. He wasn't sure if Sage was the only psychotic one. Her life had hinged on Elliot and Kendall, and now they were seeing what remained of her when those two things were torn away. His own life, as well as James and Carlos', depended on Kendall and Sage. So where did that leave them when they were left without their duo?


"Everything's set up for the press conference on Thursday, right?" Gustavo peered at Kelly over his sunglasses as he rubbed a hand at his jaw before settling his tired head on it completely, elbow propped on the arm of his chair across from his assistant in the waiting room.

"Yup. Security is more than ready to deal with the paparazzi and the press," Kelly nodded as her thumb clicked against the keys of her phone, moving times and appointments around. Her motions didn't have their usual pep, though.

"Hopefully it will get them all to cool the fuck down and shut up for a minute," Gustavo sighed, stifling a yawn.

"Are we gonna have to talk?" Carlos asked, glancing at his producer and Kelly above his knees, his legs tucked tightly against his chest in his own chair between Logan and James.

"I'll take care of it, Carlos," Gustavo, in a rare but needed occurrence, reassured and relaxed him. The boys had enough to deal with in the hospital; they didn't need to concern themselves with what was happening outside of its walls quite yet.

Camera crews, tabloids, news reporters, and fans were all swarming the building ever since they got word of Big Time Rush's entrance. A few of them had even managed cell phone photos of the boys and Sage when they ran through the ER early the morning before. The masses of people seemed to be stuck to the outside of the hospital, only keeping just off the property when pushed back, while they waited for some answers.

Logan could sympathize with the waiting. They all could, in fact. Since seeing Sage a few hours earlier, it was all they'd been doing. Dr. Kroger seemed competent and helpful, but the idea of Sage being forced to stay locked up indefinitely scared them. They needed to know their options. They couldn't just let the doctors make all of her choices without them being involved, couldn't give up their rights as her family even if they weren't blood. After Gustavo and Kelly had come in, they called Gabriel. The lawyer was currently talking to the hospital's psychiatric and medical staff about Sage's condition and its results.

"What are you going to tell them?"

James stared at his phone when he spoke, slumped down in his seat. He had been ignoring continuous texts from Camille for the past hour. She wanted to know about Sage after they saw her, but he didn't want to tell her. He didn't know what to tell her. The actress had handled the news of Kendall pretty well, positive that he was going to recover because he was a "spitfire like her"—James doubted her optimism, though, because he knew that she was actually rushing around her movie set in a panic while trying to get a flight out to Malibu as soon as possible—but he wasn't sure if his not-exactly-girlfriend would be able to handle hearing that her best friend might be institutionalized.

"I'll let them know about Elliot. I'm not sparing him any humiliation just because he's dead," Gustavo spat, rolling his eyes. He had been angry the whole time, blood pressure boiling higher than ever before, but Kelly kept him relatively calm. His nasty attitude never disappeared completely, though, not when it came to someone hurting "Blondie and his dogs."

"We'll tell them that Kendall has been shot and he's receiving more care post-surgery. I'm not sure about mentioning the coma yet… I'll talk to Karen about it when she gets here," Kelly added, dropping her phone into her lap and giving up on keeping busy.

Mama Knight would be there with Katie and David later in the afternoon, and it wasn't a visit any of them were looking forward to. A car would pick them up at the airport, none of the boys wanting to brave the paparazzi just yet to get them on their own. But paparazzi weren't the only problem. There was also the matter of prolonging the inevitable. Having Kendall's family actually leave Minnesota, them coming to stay indefinitely through this catastrophe, made everything real.

"You've canceled all their future appointments too, right?" Gustavo had been micro managing for a while now, his usual let-Kelly-handle-it attitude covered up by question after question.

"Everything for the next month… Should I do more?" Kelly's hand hesitated over her phone as an awkward atmosphere rose between the five of them in the waiting room. Nothing felt right. How'd they go from having dream careers and the time of their lives to this?

Carlos chose to break the tension by moving on to a new round of questioning.

"What are you gonna say to everybody about Sage?" he flinched when James huffed beside him at the mention of their sister. Logan picked up a magazine, finding an interest in nothing but the distraction that the numerous words on the front page held.

"Uh…" Gustavo faltered, sitting up straighter. "I don't think they need to know that Blondie is having trouble. I'll… I'll tell them that she was injured, admitted, and is getting treatment."

"How long do you think she'll-" Carlos sounded small, childlike, but James cut him off.

"She'll snap the hell out of it any minute now. She's fine."

"James…"

"Stop saying my name like that," he barked at Logan, who had dropped the magazine from his gaze to address him somberly. "Kendall's fine, and Sage is fine. All we have to do is wait."

"That's not realistic."

"I don't give a shit."

"Cool it, dumb and dumber. You're in public," Gabriel stepped in, his usually pristine tie loose around his neck. He raised a brow at James and Logan while shuffling through the open doorway.

"How'd the meeting go?" Logan immediately turned to him, ignoring James and sliding to the edge of his seat as Gabriel took an empty one across from them.

"They said there's going to be a commitment hearing near the end of the week."

Logan eagerly gestured for him to continue, but James interrupted.

"They can't do that, can they? They can't keep her in here."

"They can if they decide that's what's best for her," Gabriel argued, rubbing his hands over his face. "Kendall has his mother, but Sage has no next of kin, and her mental capacity is severely diminished. She won't be making her own decisions anytime soon."

"So we have no control…" Logan slouched, wrinkling the periodical in his hands with a deep breath. "What can we do to get it back?" he spoke with more power as he tossed the magazine down onto the table between him and Gustavo.

James leaned forward in interest—his anger overpowered—and his boss and Kelly followed suit. Carlos stared at the floor, quiet while Gabriel took a moment to think.

"We could try to fight for her, try to get power of attorney… It could be me. I don't know her all that well, but I suppose it'd be better than a stranger…"

"I want to do it."

Everyone spun to look at Logan.

"Can you make that happen?" He ignored the stares, especially from James. He was looking at him like a hero, convinced that Logan was coming around to his thoughts of freedom for Sage.

"That's a lot of responsibility, kid…" Gabriel leveled with him, clasping his hands together and leaning on his knees. "You're going to have to make a lot of hard decisions. You're going to have to think about what's right for her, and it might not always be what you would want…"

"I know, but Kendall can't-," Logan trembled with nerves for a moment, cracking his knuckles as the clock mounted on the wall ticked loudly above his head. "Kendall can't be here for her. So, I'll do it… I can do it."

Gabriel sighed apprehensively as he stood.

"I'll start the paperwork."


"I just need a minute," Karen grabbed Logan's wrist, stopping his hand from landing on the knob of Kendall's door.

Her face was pale, contrasting against the light blush she had applied to her cheeks on the plane, most likely in an effort to look put together. Her auburn hair was pinned to the top of her head, loose tendrils dropping down onto her black sweater at the nape of her neck. Logan watched her hesitate as she let go of his wrist.

"Is it hard to see him?" she asked, glancing at the solid oak in front of them again. There was a small observation window, long and rectangular, cut into the edge of the door, but she refused to look into it. She focused on Logan.

He wasn't sure how to answer her. His personal response was, "No." Seeing Kendall in that hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, was miles better than what he had seen on the floor of the beach house. It was all stark and pale colors, not darkness and vibrant red against torn flesh.

"It's not so bad as long as you remember everything's attached to him for a reason. It's keeping him alive, helping him heal. It's a part of him… for now…" Logan quirked his shoulder up awkwardly, feeling inadequate.

"Thank you, honey."

Logan startled when Karen caressed his cheek, her palm warm—a mother's touch.

"You've always been a smart kid," she kissed his forehead, "a brave kid." Logan smiled bashfully as she dropped her hand. "Kelly told me that Mr. Gabriel is going to make you Sage's guardian…"

Logan could hear her uncertainty, her natural worry for all the parts of her family, him included even though he didn't think he deserved to be.

"She needs me. She's really- She's not herself. She won't talk to the doctors. It's like she can't even see them." Logan shivered, wishing Karen would hug him, but he wouldn't ask her to, wouldn't seek it out. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I think she's mad at us…"

"Does she know about Kendall?" Karen's eyes went back towards the observation window, hovering right at the metal edge.

"Her doctor said it's best to wait a while on that…" Logan rubbed at one of his forearms. "He doesn't know how badly she'll respond to it. We're not exactly sure where her head is at," he swallowed thickly. "I don't think- maybe she shouldn't come home any time soon... I don't know what I'm going to-"

Logan stopped himself from continuing, blinking to battle away the oncoming tears and shying away from Karen's newly outstretched hand when Katie arrived with David, Carlos, and James after they had finished signing in as visitors. The girl, still young at fourteen, but somehow so much older, was growing taller and taller by the day. It blew his mind. He remembered when she only came up to his hip, tugging at him or the others by the backs of their shirts, wanting to be part of their antics. She had her own life now, though. She was independent, resilient, and Logan felt guiltier than ever for involving her in their world once again. This time it didn't result in lost money, lost opportunities, or fractured bones. A broken heart, a true loss—or two—was on the line.

"Who died?"

Logan laughed at the girl's snarky comment in relation to his red eyes. Inappropriate affect was a common response to grief and anxiety, wasn't it? For now, he counted himself sane.

"Katie, maybe you should lay off the jokes for a little while," David grinned tiredly at the girl, knocking his fist into her shoulder in jest as he walked past her. He stopped beside Karen, dropping a kiss right below the wrinkles of wisdom at the corner of her eye. "We're gonna give you girls some time with Kendall first. You want anything from the cafeteria? It was a long flight…"

"I'm fine. Can you get Katie something, though? She hasn't eaten since breakfast," Karen leaned into David's embrace, reaching out to tuck a strand of brown hair behind Katie's ear with the hand that wasn't at her partner's waist.

The girl looked as though she was going to snap at her mother, probably for babying her, but she refrained, rolling her eyes instead.

"The plane's food was pretty bad… I could go for a granola bar or whatever," she offered, shrugging and smiling faintly at David.

"Got it," he smiled in return, breaking apart from Karen to move towards James and Carlos once again.

"I'll show you the way. I need some caffeine," James blinked sluggishly and stepped away from the group to start the journey.

"Me too," Logan followed suit, letting David pass him first. "You gonna stick around, Car? You haven't sat with Kendall yet today," he turned back to address his friend, who had stayed where he was, head down and hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, you can come in with us, sweetie," Karen suggested with a warm demeanor, but Carlos' rigidity didn't seem to melt.

"Um…" he glanced at Kendall's door briefly, tearing his eyes away almost as soon as they had found their destination. "I'm actually… hungry," he muttered and spun on his heels. He kept his chin tucked towards his chest as he caught up with David and James, drifting closely to the boy's side as they walked. James hesitated, glancing back at Logan along with David, but he eventually gave up in the pursuit and continued down the long hall to the elevators, knocking his arm against Carlos occasionally to remind him that he was there.

"Has he been like that the whole time?" Karen asked as she watched them, shaking her head with concern written on her face. Katie mirrored her expression.

"I'm not really sure what he's thinking…" Logan bit his lip. Carlos was making him nervous. The boy was so unusually quiet, soft spoken when he even bothered to open his mouth at all. The last time he had really said anything of substance, with emotion, was when he had pleaded for the doctors to let Elliot die. He'd gotten his wish, but he didn't seem happy about it.

Karen's voice brought Logan back to her and Katie, his eyes pulling away from the retreating figures.

"Listen, Logan. I know you're an adult, but… If you need me, you know you can talk to me anytime, right?"

"Yeah… I know, Mama Knight," Logan answered hesitantly, squeezing the hand that she offered. "I'll be back in a bit. If you need me, my phone is on." He attempted a smile as he backed away to leave her. Karen looked as though she wanted to say more, but he didn't give her the chance. He shuffled after the others, taking long strides to catch up.

"They're a mess…" Katie sighed and tugged on her sleeves to bring the fabric to the middle of her palms, her nails digging in as she crossed her arms.

"They've been through a lot," Karen replied half-heartedly, sharing her daughter's sentiment.

"Kendall better wake his ass up soon or they'll all self-destruct," Katie grumbled cheekily and went to the door of Kendall's room, twisting the handle without pausing until Karen put a hand on her shoulder.

"I wish you wouldn't be so nonchalant about this, honey," Karen's face was soft, like it had been since they arrived at the hospital. But Katie's was stonier, a practiced resistance in place.

"He's not dead, Mom. Kendall's just…" Katie wavered when she popped the door open, bringing her big brother into view, "…asleep," she finished in a whisper, brown eyes gliding over Kendall, studying the tubes and lines running away from his motionless body as she stepped further into the room with her mother close behind.

Kendall Knight was everyone's strength, but he was epically important to Katie in unique ways. He raised her since their father died, looked out for her. He may have needed her sometimes more than she needed him, but he was always her safety net, something that was usually unspoken but forever durable. She'd never seen him so breakable, like he was coated in glass.

Karen made a choked-off noise, something between a gasp and a deep breath, as she struggled to stay composed. She tried to remember what Logan said, that everything was on her son for a reason, but that didn't erase the feeling that it was all wrong—foreign. Kendall was supposed to be smirking, joking and standing tall, not lying prone with his mouth obstructed by machinery. She'd sat through ER visits before, hockey matches and play dates—and even a birthday party—gone wrong, but she'd never seen her baby boy like this.

"Oh, Kendall," she whimpered, biting her tongue after the sound came out. She grabbed one of the chairs in the decently furnished private room—a loveseat was beneath the windows and three extra chairs were pushed against the walls—and slid it as close as she could get to Kendall's bed.

"It's weird that he's so quiet," Katie chuckled lightly, her tone subdued and gentle as she dragged another chair to the other side of the bed where most of the machinery was.

"He'll be talking soon… He's strong enough to heal." Karen sounded so sure, tears falling down reddened cheeks and grazing a firmly set pair of lips. She squeezed her son's hand, mindful of his IV, and rubbed her thumb along his skin. It wasn't quite warm, but it wasn't too cold either, and it had enough color to stand out against the white wrapping at his mid arm and wrist.

Katie nodded, sitting in a moment of thought before leaning forward to touch Kendall's other hand.

"Hey, big brother. Long time no see," she grinned, her focus sliding away from his hand, away from the white bandages wrapped around his wrist—she didn't know what resided beneath, and she didn't really want to. She brought her attention to his face. "When you told us you were gonna propose, I figured you'd screw it up, but you outdid yourself this time," she joked, her head swaying from side to side. There was no movement in his features, but she imagined him laughing, shoving her for the comment—normalcy.

"We've never been a normal family," Karen chimed in, her own expression growing playful and calmer after taking Katie's lead.

It was true. The Knight family hadn't been "average" in a very long time. Maybe they had a chance at first, a classic wedding between Kevin and Karen, a baby boy born, but it wasn't long before James, Carlos, and Logan came into the picture and were accepted into the household. Life changed at that point, brought in vastly different dynamics, brought in excitement and more love than anyone thought possible. Katie was born and, soon after, Kevin died. Karen, Katie, and Kendall then moved from place to place while remaining a solid family. They relied only on each other until Sage came in and the boys made their return. Life changed again then, as it always seemed to, sometimes drastically and other times subtly. Nothing was ever permanent.

With the move to Los Angeles, Kendall distanced himself from his mother and his sister psychically, but never emotionally. They kept in contact; their pasts cementing them together more strongly than most families could comprehend. If they could make it through their whole lives until now, then they could make it through this. If they didn't, then everything amounted to nothing. And women like Karen and Katie wouldn't accept that.

"I, uh, made you something…" Katie continued after clearing her throat. She dug into her pockets, leaning up on the back of her chair, and pulled out bands of colored string that would have been familiar to Kendall if he was conscious.

There were four bracelets resting in Katie's palm, two composed of twisted black and green and another pair containing pink and black. They were just like the ones she had made years earlier, with tinier fingers but still loving hands. They were the same type she had attached to her own wrists once again, the same ones she had tied around Kendall and Sage when they all said their first goodbye in Ramsey. The bracelets connected her to her siblings and them to her. The thread would eventually break away, and she had to replace them a few times over the years, but she never tired of the task.

"I made them on the plane. The in-flight movie was shit," Katie explained to her silent brother as she knotted the green one around his limb.

She didn't settle it at his wrist, not wanting to bother the bandage, but she figured the middle of his forearm would be good enough. If the doctors didn't like it, they'd cut them off—she'd just make more.

"I made Sage's, too." Katie bit the inside of her cheek as she finished the tight knot on the pink bracelet, this one placed closer to Kendall's elbow. "Can you give them to her?"

Karen jumped, blinking a few times when she realized Katie was addressing her.

"I'll try my best," she replied uncomfortably, taking the bracelets Katie offered her over the top of Kendall's bed. "They might not let her have them…"

"Who's 'they?'" Katie questioned, raising a slim brow in her mother's direction.

Katie hadn't been given solid information about her sister. She knew Sage had suffered a breakdown, but no one would tell her what that really meant. Karen dodged the subject when she could and David played along. All she knew for sure was that Sage was being "looked over."

In a way, Katie was actually more worried about her than Kendall. At least her brother was getting treatment right in front of her eyes. Doctors could try to do something for him. As for Sage, a lot of her recovery was solely up to her, and no matter how much Katie loved her, she had to think that maybe Sage had been beaten down too many times to get back up again.

Katie shivered, her tough exterior cracking, when she thought about just how bad off Sage could be.

"I heard Logan say something about the psych ward on our way up here…"

"Katie-," Karen breathed in deeply, shutting her eyes for a second before opening them again to stare at her son and then at her daughter. "I don't want you to worry about more than you have to…"

"Just tell me. I'm a big girl, Mom," Katie argued, sitting straighter in her chair.

"Sage isn't in a good place… She's on suicide watch right now, and she might be staying here for quite some time…" Karen delivered the news stoically, giving it to Katie like she asked.

The girl stilled, her expression blank. Karen thought she'd ask more questions—Katie always wanted to be on top of everything—but the brunette simply leaned forward and took her brother's hand into her own. The fingers of her unoccupied hand twisted at the bracelets she tied to him, spinning the string again and again until she lost count of how many times the knot had passed over her thumb. As she finally spoke, her volume was low but steady.

"When Kendall wakes up, he'll fix her. He always does."


"She needs Kendall," James grumbled, reorganizing the stack of playing cards he held in his hands. He was never one for menial tasks—or even focusing in general—but grouping the fours with the fours and the queens with the queens was calming. It stopped his fingers from twitching and it slowed his adrenaline, his anger.

"James…" Carlos breathed, glancing quickly at Sage and then back at his own cards when he realized she was doing the usual: ignoring them.

She was in the last 24 hours of her mandatory hold, nearly an exact day after they had first been allowed to see her, and she hadn't gotten any better. If anything, she'd grown more detached. She treated the boys, the only ones to visit so far due to doctor's orders, like the others around her, like the nurses and Dr. Kroger. There was a difference, however. With the others, her detachment was genuine; they weren't a part of her reality. With the boys, though, they could tell she was feigning ignorance. After her initial fear of them, her anger and frustration, she had apparently decided to attempt to disregard their presence altogether.

Dr. Kroger said to give it time, see how it played out, and he encouraged them to visit her as much as possible, to push her boundaries with gentle shoves. Logan followed his orders to a T. He was always delicate with Sage, asking questions regardless of receiving little to no answers. He was calm with her. Carlos followed his lead, being loving and affectionate in his own way. He'd talk to her, tell her stories. He'd try anything to get her to see him.

James was different. He responded to everything with fury. His agitation with Sage was only growing instead of waning every second she didn't acknowledge his existence. If the others weren't going to push her, then he would. He needed to for Kendall.

"We aren't supposed to talk about him here. Dr. Kroger said so," Carlos reminded James, shifting the cards around in his hand.

Neither one of them cared that their Go Fish game had come to a standstill. They didn't really want to play in the first place. They just needed something to fill the time they spent in Sage's room, seated at the table in the corner. She was there when they had first arrived, coming in without Logan for once because he had to meet with Gabriel about paperwork. Sage had been curled up on a chair, facing the window and reading a book in her lap that the nurses had left on the table for her. They said she hadn't made a single movement when they went in and added the new object to her environment, but she eventually ran across it and picked it up as if it belonged there.

"'Dr. Kroger said so,'" James mimicked, violently tossing his cards onto the tabletop. "He doesn't know her. We know her." Carlos bit his lip, placing his own cards down gently as James twisted in his chair to face Sage.

"Maybe we should give her a break. She's been on that same page for an hour," Carlos suggested, leaning sideways to get a better look at the novel in Sage's lap.

"That's because she's been listening to us…" James smirked and stood briefly, putting a hand on the seat of his chair and dragging it with him towards Sage so he could sit directly beside her, right in her space. She tensed, her blonde hair falling over her face as she curled in tighter on herself, gripping the book by the edges with more strength. "Sage, please just talk to us. I promise it's gonna be okay. We're not going to hurt you. We just wanna take you home, but you have to show the doctors that you can handle it…"

Carlos clenched his teeth together, standing up and anxiously pacing towards Sage's bed only to turn back and get closer to her again. He knew he shouldn't let James push her too hard, but where was the cutoff point? How far was too far?

"Help me, Carlos," James ordered, rolling his eyes when he saw the boy's anxious strides.

Carlos stared at him and then at Sage like a deer caught in headlights. James groaned.

"You have nothing to add here?" he gestured to the girl beside him.

Carlos swallowed nervously as he rubbed his hands together, but his mouth wouldn't open.

"Jesus, man. What's wrong with-"

"There aren't any doctors…" Sage muttered so faintly that James barely registered the sound, but the noise was enough to make him pause his assault on Carlos.

"What'd you say, sweetheart?" James smiled, forgetting his other friend's apprehension altogether, daring to be hopeful that Sage was breaking through her damaged psyche. He pushed a strand of her hair away from her face, ignoring how she flinched, trying not to take it to heart even though the reaction tore him apart.

"There aren't doctors here, James. You're not- It's not-" she tried explaining again with her eyes shut and her fingers digging so hard into the book that the pages crinkled, but it didn't work. She wound up stopping completely and shaking her head from side to side, turning a page in her novel like she hadn't spoken at all after mumbling a distressed, "leave me alone."

"I'm tired of this shit. You're supposed to be the sane one between us," James growled, waving his hand wildly in her direction and then his own.

He couldn't stand seeing his heroine like this.

Sage taught him how to be brave, that there were worse things to be scared of other than commitment. He watched her survive real evil and still put a happy face on every day, and he took satisfaction—a sense of pride and power—knowing that he helped her do that. He helped fix her and she returned the favor. She made him a better person, a person who smiled more, relaxed more, took more risks. Camille was in his life—no matter how questionable their relationship was at the moment—and that was because of Sage. He needed her like he needed Kendall. He needed them, the package.

He knew that helping Kendall was out of his grasp now, but Sage was right there. He could get her back. He could do something.

"Snap out of it, Sage," James ripped the book from her hands, tossing it in the direction of the bathroom doorway on her left.

Sage hummed, words dying as her lips pressed together, and Carlos continued pacing with his brow furrowed and his lower lip caught between his teeth as he allowed James to go on.

He knew the boy was mad. Mad at Sage for doing this to them. Mad at the world for making her this way. Mad that they had been too late…

"Kendall needs you," James spoke eagerly, leaning his elbows on his knees. He was desperate to touch her, to reach out, but he held himself back with the last bit of restraint he possessed. "He's in a coma."

"James, we aren't supposed to tell her that!" Carlos jumped in, his brown eyes wide.

James shook his head, shrugging away Carlos' worry as he watched Sage. He wasn't sure what to expect, a good or bad reaction, but either way he prayed it would break her out of whatever she trapped herself in. Sage hardly moved, though, her hands coming together so that her fingers traced the lines on one of her palms.

"He's in Minnesota where he belongs," she whispered, her thumb dragging against the deepest valley in her skin.

Carlos ceased his walking, staring at the back of her head, and James' eyes narrowed at the newly acquired information.

"And where are you?" James pushed, his voice dangerous but low.

Sage traced her palm harder. Her nails whitened the skin, but her natural color returned just a second later.

"Ramsey."

"Damn it, Sage!" James yelled and slammed his fist down onto the windowsill in front of her.

Carlos recoiled more than she had, spinning around to the door of her room. He expected a nurse to come running—James' voice had sounded like thunder between his ears—but there was little movement outside in the halls. He didn't know if that should relax him or worry him, so he settled on being nauseous about the fact that a little screaming was probably commonplace in the psych ward.

James rose to his feet, his chair sliding behind him dramatically until it hit the table with a thud as he grabbed the back of Sage's seat to forcibly spin the four legged piece of furniture around.

Sage whimpered. Her spine was rigid, but her hands didn't stop moving as her nails traveled even higher. She appeared to be struggling to disregard him, fingers shaking and pushing harder, stretching upwards to the bandage on her arm and then back down to her wrist and then to her palm once more.

"Don't ignore me," James snarled, his volume minimal but captivating as he trapped her between his arms by gripping the back of her chair with each of his hands. He still wasn't quite touching her, but he knew it was almost just as bad for her.

"St-Stop," Sage muttered and turned her head towards one of her shoulders as if it could get her away from him.

"No," James argued and then glanced at Carlos, "I won't."

They stared at each other for several moments, James telling him without direct words that he wasn't going to back down any time soon. Carlos had a choice to stay and be a part of it or to go and pretend it wasn't happening. He hesitated, watching Sage and then watching James watch him. He'd never felt so indecisive. He was supposed to be the guy that acted without thinking. Now he couldn't seem to stop thinking at all.

Finally, though, he inched towards the door, but he didn't fully step out of it. Carlos only leaned into the hall, eyes darting to look for nurses, and then he reached around to close the curtain to Sage's observation window. He stood in the doorway, blocking most of the view from the outside. He hovered there, still unsure of what he was doing, but James took his actions as helpful and turned back to Sage with the same fire in his eyes that he had put on Carlos, the same determination.

"Sage…" James pressed closer to her, pushing her limits too hard. She cried out softly again and her nails started focusing more on the gauze wrapped around her arm. "I need you to listen. I need you to clear your fucking head. You are not in Ramsey. Elliot is not alive. You're in a mental ward-"

"I'm in my room," Sage countered, her face still away from James'. "You're not real," she insisted.

"Stop saying that!" James bellowed. His eyes stung, tears threatening to fall. "Look at me," he moved to grab her chin.

"Maybe you shouldn't-"

"No!" James ceased Carlos' protest, not even bothering to look at him. "We are her brothers. We're fuckin' real, and she's gonna fuckin' listen!"

His thumb and forefinger connected with her jaw gently at first, but as soon as she jerked backwards he tightened his grip and forced her to see him. But once he saw her tears, he let go.

"Why are you doing this?" he whined as her eyes darted, trying to see anything but him. "We were finally okay… Everything was okay…" he sobbed and tore his vision away from her for a second, attempting to compose himself. "You're ruining it. You're being weak, Sage."

She cried harder, shutting her eyes and clawing at her arm with more force.

"J-James, I can't- I'm not- You're not-" she began to hyperventilate as she tugged herself away from him, writhing in her chair. "N-None of this is happening," she repeated the phrase several times, mumbling it to herself as she scratched obsessively. The gauze began to tear away from her skin.

"It is happening. You're just too scared to open your eyes. You're giving up," James spat. He moved back only to close in again and grab her upper arms firmly, no longer caring if she was comfortable. "You don't get to fucking quit!"

"James!"

The sudden sound of Logan's voice made him drop his hold on Sage. He twisted around, vision blurry from tears, but he was able to make out Logan shoving past a frozen Carlos, a nurse from the main desk following close behind.

"Everyone out right now!" the woman shooed them, pushing purposefully on James' lower back to get him going towards the door. She didn't really need to assist, though; Logan was already pulling him along by the wrist hard enough to bruise.

Right before the nurse shut Sage's door behind them, James' forgotten senses began flooding back in. He hadn't thought Sage was crying that loudly, muttering with that much volume. The bandage on her arm was in shreds. How had he not noticed that?

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Logan hissed, keeping his voice quiet and showing a restraint James didn't possess as he dragged him all the way down the hall, leaving the secure area of the ward completely. Carlos followed dutifully, head hung and feet quick.

"Since no one else will, I figured I'd help Sage," James fought, forgetting his tears as he yanked himself away from Logan once they were beyond the security area.

"You're hurting her! You have no idea what you're doing!" Logan claimed, poking James in the chest.

"Screw you, Logan. I know as much as you do," James swatted his arm away.

"Guys…" Carlos groaned, covering his face and leaning against the nearest wall between the feuding pair. Tension was rising. Normally he'd get in the middle, put a stop to it, but he didn't have the strength to care anymore. So, he breathed deeply into his hands and let the yelling happen.

"We fixed her before, and we can do it again. She doesn't need this place," James glared around the halls like he could burn the cream colored walls down with his mind.

"You're not even trying to do what the doctors say. You're being a rash, idiotic son of a bitch," Logan stepped into James' personal space, cutting the boy off before he even had another chance to speak. "You're being a selfish prick."

"Get away from me," James shoved him. Carlos kept his head down even when Logan stumbled. "Stop trying to kiss the doctor's ass and remember your family."

Logan looked away from James, unable to deny the shame he felt at the accusation.

"You're her guardian now. Make them understand that she needs to come home with us," James pled, still angry as he jerked his head towards the entrance to the ward.

"Everything she needs is here," Logan insisted, turning his focus back on James.

"You're really gonna make her stay then?" James asked, an un-amused smile on his face.

"I haven't-" Logan paused and sighed loudly. "I don't know for sure yet."

"She needs us," James maintained, standing taller.

"We can't do it alone again!" Logan shouted and tossed his hands into the air.

"You're gonna fuck this up for all of us. You're making it worse," James growled and put some distance between Logan and himself. He looked to Carlos for confirmation, for back up like the boy always gave him, but Carlos hesitated. He took another deep breath and then brought his eyes down to the floor. They were leaning more in James' direction, so he took that as a win. It was the best he'd get from Carlos at the moment.

"That's not f-fair," Logan stuttered, cowering under the pressure James had put on him. "We need Dr. Kroger. We need help this time…"

"Keeping Sage locked up isn't what any of us want."

"She's not locked up," Logan battled, hating the wording. "She's being looked after by professionals."

James didn't like the tone in Logan's voice, that know-it-all demeanor that made his skin crawl and alarms blare in his mind ordering him to fight back, to cut his friend down.

"You're going against everything Kendall said he never wanted for her."

Air was suddenly hard to come by as Logan's body began shaking. He felt like he was going to cry at the drop of a hat after the words that just spilled from James' mouth. They echoed in his head, screamed at him in a high, frenzied pitch. Going against Kendall, his leader and mentor, went against everything he'd ever known. Sure, they had argued, battled verbally, but he pretty much always ended up following him one way or another. Deciding not to listen to Kendall, to go against his wishes, also went against who Logan was, who he had grown to be.

The thought of betrayal haunted Logan in an instant, creeping over him like a ghost, tendrils of tension, fear, uncertainty, and a lack of faith in himself settling and clinging to his back, becoming a passenger in every move he made.

"So, that's it? You're giving up too?"

Logan flinched when James spoke angrily, loudly. He hadn't said anything, but what James saw on his face must have not pleased him.

"Am I the only one around here who's sane anymore?" James chuckled lowly, looking to Carlos for more assistance.

Carlos just kept quiet, staring at the two friends he had left with a tired, emotionless countenance.

"Fine," James growled. "I'll help Sage by my-"

"If you can't follow the rules," Logan interrupted the fury-induced announcement with a calm voice, his eyes landing somewhere just behind James' head, looking right through him; finding difficulty in what he was about to say, "I don't want you seeing her for a while."

James faltered and blinked a few times, his mouth closing and opening.

"You can't do that."

"I can," Logan murmured. "I signed the papers this afternoon. It's not up to you…" He still wouldn't look straight at him; he wouldn't look at the astonishment and hurt on his face. He couldn't.

"Fuck you," James snapped, stalking away without waiting for any more discussion. He rushed down a stretch of hall to Logan's right, slamming open the door to the staircase.

"Do you have anything to say?" Logan turned to Carlos, who still hadn't moved an inch. The boy's brown eyes rose, staring into Logan's for a few beats.

"Does it matter?" Carlos slurred, bringing his head back down as he walked away, moving through the hall in the opposite direction James had gone, leaving Logan to stand alone.


"Are you sure it's okay if I go in now? She might be sleeping…" Logan paused at Sage's door, peering at the nurse in the dim lighting. It was nearly midnight in the mental ward, and it was the first time he was seeing it that late. He underestimated the amount of light the sun provided in the daytime. Now it was just florescent bulbs leading his way.

"It's fine, Mr. Mitchell. Dr. Kroger said to let you in any time, and I just took her vitals and did a routine check. She was sitting up in her bed," the nurse—Logan couldn't remember who she introduced herself as because the staff was always changing—smiled sweetly, but Logan's own face grew curious, dangerously optimistic.

"When you were in there, did she…"

"No, no," the nurse let him down easily, nice and quick. "She didn't notice me. She's still the same. She calmed down pretty fast after this afternoon's incident."

Logan nodded, forcing a polite smile as he thought about James. He hadn't seen him or Carlos since one wandered off and the other stormed away. James wouldn't answer his phone, and Carlos only talked once to Logan to fill him in on what had happened in Sage's room, but he figured it was for the best. Carlos could benefit from some time to think—he seemed so detached, still in shock—and if James was around Logan, they would most likely wind up biting each other's heads off and getting escorted out of the hospital. Logan didn't want things to be like that, but he had to fight for something now. He had to stand strong for once. He had to do what was right.

"I'll only be a little while," he informed the nurse as she stepped away, leaving him alone at Sage's door.

"Take as long as you need, honey. I'm here 'til morning anyway," she grinned and waved the cup of coffee in her hand before shuffling back to her station.

Logan hesitated with his hand on Sage's door. He worried about startling her after the day she had—he never wanted to see her cry like that again—but he decided after a few deep breaths that there would be no progress if he stayed too anxious to even go into her room. He crept inside quietly, not making any sudden movements as the door slipped shut gently behind him, but for Sage it seemed as though he'd made a grand entrance.

She sat on the bed, much like she had been the first time they saw her through the window early the morning before, but this time she stayed put when she noticed him. Instead of leaping up, exerting energy, she exhaled audibly and glanced at Logan only enough to register who had invaded her blockaded mind. Then she slowly moved down further onto the bed, lying horizontally and turning on her side away from him.

"Hi, Sage," he spoke serenely, keeping his voice even despite the thudding his heart was doing.

He wanted to get closer to her, missed hugging her, missed being there—missed being enough, like he knew James did—but he settled on staying a few feet away. He walked along the length of the bed, keeping close to the observation window, the curtains shut from the outside. Logan sank to the cool floor and crossed his legs, tucking them close to his body. The windows on the other side of the room, the ones to the outside world, allowed moonlight in. Everything glowed blue. He was sure Sage's face even held the tint as she directed herself to the light, her back to Logan completely.

"I just wanted to talk. I know you can't really do that with me right now, but… I needed to," he explained, fumbling for the right words. "I have to make a decision about where to put you tomorrow morning," Logan stared at Sage's shoulders. Her breathing was steady, but her posture was stiff. He knew she was listening. "James is mad at me now… I think Carlos is, too… I don't even fucking know anymore," he laughed and scratched at the back of his neck. "I can't even tell if you hate me…"

Sage rose a bit, but it was only to pull her pillow closer. She put it under her head, quickly lying back down and curling more into a ball above the covers. Logan found it odd, interesting even, that she was comfortable with the bed. When she had first gotten to 2J, it was one of her biggest obstacles. Now she seemed resigned to wherever she was, comfortable—complacent.

"I know you think I'm not real. I know I'm probably torturing you right now by just being here while you're trying to… survive," he spoke softly, making assumptions based off of what little information she had given them.

Logan glanced around himself, struggling to picture the environment as a bedroom, in a house, in North Dakota. He'd never seen Sage's room there, but he had always dramatically imagined a dungeon; no light and little air to breathe. Sage seemed to translate the hospital space into it well enough, though. He knew the human brain was complex, but he couldn't quite grasp the idea that Sage wasn't in the same place he was right now.

"James wants you to come home with us, but I think it's better if you stay here… Dr. Kroger seems good at what he does… Kendall's gonna hate me for committing you."

Logan grinned, stifling a yawn as he rubbed at his eyes. He remembered how heated it had gotten at even the mention of professional help when Sage came to the Palm Woods. Kendall was so against it, but he wasn't there now, and Logan couldn't take his place. He couldn't heal Sage with a word or a touch. It didn't work like that. He was starting to understand that now, but the others, his family, couldn't. James didn't want Sage to stay in the hospital and Carlos, more than likely, preferred to have her with them, preferred to do anything to pretend things weren't as bad as they actually were.

Logan knew that Sage herself would be against it after she had begged him, cried for him not to force her into therapy years earlier.

But that was so long ago. It was when the five of them were building up to a working, cohesive unit. That was fractured now. Things changed. Logan was alone in making the toughest choice he ever faced. He had to rely on just himself for once. He had to trust himself. He had to make a decision, the right decision, on his own.

"I wish I didn't have to do this... I wish it was like the other times, where you just needed a little push to get you out of your own head," Logan stared at Sage, willing her to see him, understand him, and accept him. "But none of us are enough anymore, are we? We're just people… Fucked up people. The blind leading the blind…" he smiled again without humor.

There were several minutes of peace after that. Sage had stilled, muscles relaxed compared to when he had first come in. The less he spoke, the better she seemed, but it didn't have a positive effect on Logan. The more she resisted, the more alone he felt, the more crazy he felt. His pulse raced, his hands shook, and before he knew it there was moisture gathering in his eyes.

"S-Sage, I love you… I want to do what's b-best," he choked on the word, forcing it out just as the tears slid down his face.

He wiped at them frantically like it would make them disappear. He hadn't wanted to cry, not since they loaded Kendall onto the ambulance and he had dedicated himself to being strong and level-headed.

"I need you to tell me that you don't want to be h-here," Logan stuttered, his trembling fingers swiping hurriedly at his cheeks.

He couldn't keep up anymore. The sorrow-filled liquid was pouring too quickly.

"Please… tell me that you're o-okay, that you're j-just scared, that you just n-need time… that you know I'm r-real."

Logan waited for Sage to say something, waited for anything. He waited for her to face him, to move, to tell him that she was fine. He waited until his eyes dried.

But all he ever got was silence.


A/N: That was depressing to write. But still fun because I live for angst and I'm probably a bad person lol. Anyway, just a reminder that the bottom A/N on the previous chapter contains instructions on how to find me and this story if it's ever taken down from the site. *knocks on wood*. You never know what can happen, and I just like being prepared :)

Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm excited to hear from you guys as the story enters its final stretch :)