Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Zun. Mimics and beholders belong to Wizards of the Coast. The only things that belong to myself would be Usagi, Moegi, Jack King, Rex King and Guthree. Everything else belongs to their rightful owner.

Author: Uuuuugh.

Yukari: What, not saying "Wooooow." this time?

Author: Well, I did lose that author's note's contents.

Yuuka: Now, do it again but with more umph.

Author: ...Are you... dressed like a director?

Yukari: Well, the stereotypical ideal of a director.

Author: ...The shades look good on you.

Yuuka: Well, most anything has a pleasing look to it when you're attractive.

Author: Clownpiece.

Yuuka: ...Calling one such as her attractive raises uncomfortable questions.

Author: Yuuka, my main pairing involves a pair of fairies. People can draw whatever conclusion from my tastes they like. I just like cute things, flat chests and short women.

Yuuka: Luckily, fae are hardly truly children. Most of us are dozens of years older than they appear, if not centuries.

Yukari: And that goes double for you~

Yuuka: Hmph. Yukari, being a pot doesn't suit you.

Author: A-anywho, before Yukari goes ballistic—

Yuuka: With ballistics, I might add.

Author: Right. Before Yukari redirects a tank's man cannon (I'm just leaving that typo.) or something, I believe I should lament just what I've done: I have ignored my pride and joy for 15 months. Now, I'll just assume you all realize this, but for the off chance of someone not, or perhaps just to put things in perspective, that's over a year. A year of no updates.

Yuuka: A year without my favorite coward~

Author: ...That implies you have rankings of cowards, Yuuka.

Yuuka: Well, off the top of your head, my least favorite coward would be the Tengu.

Author: True enough.

Yuuka: Not to mention that you appear on that list as well.

Yukari: My, isn't it unfair to list someone twice~?

Author: Shush. I'm nothing like her.

Yukari: Anymore, at least. Once upon a time, you were such a shy girl whom was only recently out of her teens. Unlike those other authors, you didn't want to be the hero. You wanted to just have fun and be liked on a frivolous adventure through my lands. ...Unexpectedly, you turned into the hero anyways, if by... different means.

Author: Yes, well, that won't be happening again. Usagi being the hero of the story was a one-off sort of deal. She'll have other adventures, but they won't involve her being a hero.

Yuuka: If it can even be considered her fault.

Author: Quite. All she wants is to be loved, just as I did. ...I never expected her to fall for Cirno. I never expected myself to fall for her in short order, either. Still, my love for Cirno did help me get through a tough time, and for that I'm grateful.

I decided this when I began, and I will state this intent now: the Paradise series will only die once I am in my grave. I intend to continue these little stories until that point with a fiery determination that will never falter. And, honestly? I have enough material planned that I likely can pull it off, judging by this one lasting 3 years so far. My time away from the main story has only reinforced my love for this series, even if my love for Cirno has died. Who would have thought my desire for a more mature Cirno would lead here... Still, I have to say, it's been great spending these four years like this. Spending them doing what I set out to do all those years ago: making the Touhou community happy. I may have failed to deliver on my daily updates promise for more than a couple months, but I won't let you down! I may falter, I may slow down, and I may even take a hiatus by accident now and then, but I will never let this series die for as long as I live! This I swear on my honor as a writer. I have worked too hard to get where I am now. I have spent far too many hours producing this content to give up now. ...My estimates of over 1000 hours are suspect, however. That would be over 40 days of pure writing.

Still, know this: I'm back, and I intend to finish this story within the year. This story is only the beginning of my plans, however. I have plans for over 5 more stories being added to the main series, and that's only just so far! I've said this before, and I'll say it yet again!

Let's get on with the show!


Author: ...Welp, I give up.

Yukari: My, that was fast.

Author: Yukari, I did the math, and I'll be writing this little sarcastic abridged flight of fancy for over a year if I wanna complete it. And before anyone asks, I realize that the math is hardly accurate, but I merely multiplied the amount of time it was taking per chapter being humorously abridged. About 2-3 days if I work ever day. However, even so, I'm not quitting the story.

Yuuka: My, my...

Yukari: I see where the issue comes in. Even if it took a single day per chapter, that's still 139 days.

Author: Exactly the issue! In the end, I think I'll give up on that desire to fix up DoP.

Yuuka: As amusing as watching you make fun of your past self is, I would hardly qualify this as "fixing up" said past work. It removes the necessity to struggle through it, yes, but it certainly doesn't make you look any better.

Author: Anywho, you guys go read what little I managed to make. There's another A/N section at the end. Just treat this like a particularly weird, not to mention curiously long "I'm back!" chapter.

Once more into the breach!


Hat Trick

Day 1, Unknown Location, Night:

Our nameless star begins by hearing noises in her basement. Doing the logical thing, she foregoes the unmentioned combat knife and grabs the baseball bat which doesn't actually exist. On her way to the basement, she is ignorant of the hands commonly grabbing at her.

On her way down the stairs, she bumps her head.

Blows to the Head: 1

When she arrives in the basement, she finds it empty of the women she had expected. On her way back up, she trips, and contrary to what you might expect, isn't killed by a serial killer. Terrified, she rushes back to her room and cowers under the covers like the scared child she might as well be. Then she strips, because that sets up part of the next scene, not to mention netting her some clothes.

Hakurei Shrine, Twilight:

Enter Yakumo Yukari: Youkai Sage of Gensoukyou and Border of Phantasm. She appears to be drunk and as such must be doing something silly! Ohh? A magic trick, huh? Well, that qualifies for at least a second rank Silly Way of Entry into Gensoukyou. Ohh? A rabbit out of a hat? Let's just upgrade that to a third rank of silliness, as the gap's ribbons are plainly visible. Of course, she also appears to be failing many times, but, on the seventeenth try — because it obviously must always involve that number — she manages to succeed!

Out comes a human! A human woman! This is where everyone decides that this story is unique and, as such, must be subscribed to. Now, because reasons, the drunken sage decides it a good idea to fulfill her promise of a rabbit out of a hat by way of turning her into a rabbit, ignoring the fact that rabbit ears would have done so just fine, real or otherwise, or even that an old-fashioned stripper outfit involving bunny ears would have been fine. No. This situation called for drastic measures, which ends with her hitting her head!

Blows to the Head: 2

Finally noticing that she is, in fact, a rabbit, she lets out quite the little scream. Which, of course, leads to, you guessed it, another blow to the head!

Blows to the Head: 3

Mind you, most of these blows to the head happened in the nearly complete rewrite of this chapter. There were only one or so in the original, far worse, incarnation. Also of note, I believe I fixed this chapter about over five times in the first week of writing the story. More concerningly of note, the original name of the story was "Dreams of Paradice". I'll just let that sink in.

Done letting those implications of how poor my grammar was back then sink in?

No?

Too bad.

Also, yes, you have to bear my horrid commentary this whole way through. But, then, you did read up to this point, or at least I would like to think so, so perhaps you think I'm funny. Anywho, enough bad jokes. Let's get back to the horrible jokes!

Now, Miss Bunny may not have been the smartest girl back then, but somehow I doubt that she would have been brave enough to bite someone! But still, we'll just assume that all those blows to the head are to blame, and not, in fact, a rather deep plot hole. We'll also ignore the poor usage of first person mode.

Blows to the Head: 4

Ohh, this time a kick! That must have hurt, for it apparently cracked her skull and broke her ribs! Of course, like any good author, I simply told that this happened instead of, perhaps, having a scene with Eiren stating her concern, or perhaps feeling he u— I mean, palpating the damaged area. Live and learn, as they say. There goes that secret route where Usagi becomes a lunar spy.

Instead, that honor goes to someone else in a future story! Trust me, you'll love it.

Yukari doesn't seem to like it when you make her angry! Ohh, and she sobered up! If she were an oni, that would be particularly intimidating. Thankfully she's just a sweet old wo— Ohh, she's torturing Usagi, turning her into a rabbit youkai through rapid aging.

Welp.

And so we discover that the outsider now has snow white hair and blue eyes! She's also significantly cuter, as this series can make anything cute, so why not? Not that I'm not cute, but really, Touhou levels of adorable I am not.

And then she gets jettisoned into a tree!

Blows to the Head: 5

And that's a wrap! ...Note to self: Don't give our as of yet unnamed star more head wounds. Or mention head wounds. Or touch her head. Or imply touching her head.


Author: ...It feels kinda hilarious that this is effectively the third set of Author Notes for this chapter. Well, not this this chapter. That this chapter.

Yukari: You made the confusion worse.

Author: The second chapter of Dreams of Paradise?

Yukari: There you go~


Bloody Good Time

Day 2, Hakurei Shrine, Early Morning:

It seems we come to Reimu this time, whom I turned into the PoV character for this chapter in my most recent edits. After all, when I originally started, I decided to only write from the Rabbit's PoV, but eventually I decided against that, what with how commonly I ended up having scenes with characters whom would consider themselves anything but a bunny.

After describing this and that about the setting, which is the Shrine, not to mention her pounding headache due to dehydration, Reimu summons Yukari by way of... talking to seemingly herself. And, so sure is she that it will work, she even counts down to the exact time it happens! Way to be predictable, Yukarin.

Yelling is had, for obvious reasons. After all, one does not simply give a human no less than five head wounds and get away with it! No, this is an incident that Reimu cannot let go! After all, it's not like outsiders are the typical breakfast of champions in Gensoukyou. And lunch. And dinner. No, because Hakurei Reimu cares about the common man! Hakurei Reimu can't let a youkai attack a human! After all, that isn't the foundation of Gensoukyou.

And so Yukari teases Reimu about similarities in levels of unnecessary force, because really, if people just talked things through instead of fighting, many of the games wouldn't really be nearly as long, nor have a final boss. Heck, would Phantasmagoria of Flowerview really have much of anything happen besides talking?

That'd actually make an interesting story, now that I mention it...

Banter is had! Bunny girl wakes up, complaining of shouting! Reimu is confused! Yukari knows exactly what the issue is, somehow! Reimu covers her ears with a still-folded blanket! Saying whose ears would make this far less strange, but context is key! Why am I shouting! ...That was a question!

With said bunny's ears covered, Yukari decides that Reimu is unfit for looking after the injured, thus deciding that she will look after her as a form of atonement. Reimu is swiftly convinced that keeping a youkai would put her in the red, while also realizing that she never has actually gotten donations, and as such, decides to let her take her with her anyways., because she must, as plot demands it.

...Which is to say, I demanded it, as pretty much only the concept of the namesake of the story had been decided at this point. I knew I wanted to involve dreams somehow. Honestly, the original ending was to be that it was all a mad dream by a girl in a mental ward. The next part would have been finding Gensoukyou after escaping, possibly with the help of Kotohime, Maribel and Renko. Although, Sumireko would be the one more likely to get used, if I made the story today. After all, dealing with the future can be tricky. Trust me, I wrote a time travel story.

Related shameless plug: go read Memoir of the Little Lost Umbrella!

Day 9, Yakumo Family Estate, Dawn:

There's youkai strength for you! Unable to roll over when a cat is on your chest, but able to make large rocks into slightly smaller rocks with their hands when it counts! I'll let this one slide, as she did just wake up. We find our presumed heroine waking to a weight on her chest! It's the family cat! However, she quickly realizes that she's been here a week and not once seen hide nor hair of this cat, or any other for that matter. Were I more creative back then, I likely would have made her wonder why said cat smells familiar.

We learn that she's actually been pretty okay for most of her time there by way of internal monologue. Thankfully it wasn't external, or we'd end up with her being beaten with a gohei, as that's just how these things work. Whilst I consider if I should use a sorta-kinda not vulgar word to refer to said cat, she proceeds to stoke said pu— I mean, kitty cat. She rubs that kitty until it purrs, and then she rubs some more.

Have I mentioned that I'm terrible at shortening this supposedly short version? I like to spare no detail, so when I end up wanting to refresh people (and myself, I'll admit) it kinda doesn't go well.


...You know what? This isn't working. I'll just go ahead and read the stupid thing instead of subject you to... this any longer. Then I shall, instead of spending six months writing this dumb thing, focus on the thing you actually want: Frozen Paradise.

I suppose this is where I cut off and post this, as it'd be a shame to miss out of my humor.

You poor souls.

So that you don't rip out your own eyeballs, I'll at least spell check it and perform grammatical gymnastics to make it make at least slightly more sense! I kid. I've improved. Really. ...I'm serious. Stop looking at me like that.

When next we meet, the story really will continue.