46.

Setting: Season 3, Episode 11 "Bainne"

Rating: T


Jax was sitting on the bed that he'd been using since the club's arrival in Belfast. It had been one hell of a day. He'd seen his boy, finally seen him, after two weeks of missing his beautiful little face. He'd been so overjoyed when he saw him and wanted to run right up and snatch him out of the stranger's arms, hold him against his chest and never let him go. But he knew he had to be smart and hang back. Watching this innocent couple with Abel had affected him far more than he could have ever expected. This couple, they'd never killed anyone or tortured anyone. They didn't deal guns and spend their life dodging bullets and bad people. They could offer Abel a life Jax never could. And as that realisation hit him, his heart broke.

Jax had returned without his son, to his very angry mother, and the news that his girl was having his baby. Tara. She and Abel were the only good things in his life. They were the light in all the darkness, his hope for a better life and maybe even redemption. But he'd failed them both, and now, now he knew he'd failed his unborn child too. People always say that just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Fuck if that wasn't the story of his life. He'd screwed up so bad, dug a hole so deep and thrown himself down into it. So deep that he couldn't see the top, or find a way out. He had no idea how he was going to fix any of this.

"Hey." A soft voice with a distinct Irish brogue spoke up from the door way. Jax raised his head from its resting place in his hands and looked upon... his sister. That was yet another thing that still hadn't sunk in.

"Hey." He whispered back as she leant against the doorframe with folded arms.

"Are you ok?"

How on earth did he answer that question? He was the furthest thing from ok, but his problems and his burdens were his own and he'd never been the 'opening up' kind... with anyone other than Tara. "I guess. Just thinking."

"About?"

"I'm really sorry, about what almost happened. I shouldn't have been there with you in the first place." It was the only answer he could give her to the inner workings of his twisted up head, and although it was the truth, it hadn't been what he was thinking about. The only thought in his head was for the woman who had his heart who he had thrown away.

"You got a girl back home?"

"Yeah. I guess. I don't know." He had a girl back home, but she was probably long gone now. And he couldn't blame her, he couldn't be angry or hurt, because he'd driven her away. He'd treated her like she didn't matter for the last two weeks, before driving the last nail into the coffin of their relationship when he betrayed her with that porn slut.

"Abel's Ma?"

"No." Wendy had never had his heart. It was horrible and cruel but it was true. All the time they'd been together, that they'd been married, he never considered her his girl. There was only one person who held that title. Only one person who ever would.

"No?"

"Well..." Two weeks ago he would have called Tara Abel's mom had he been sitting with Trinity then. Now... "It's complicated."

"But you love her." Trinity spoke softly as she moved across the room to sit beside him on the bed.

"Yeah." He whispered as he stared at the wall in front of him. There was no point in trying to deny it, he loved Tara more than anything in the world, always had and always would. But that didn't matter anymore, he'd ended any chance he had of being with her. Having the life he'd always wanted with her. She was pregnant, with his child, but she wouldn't take him back, Jax was all but certain about that.

"Who is she? Croweater?"

Jax couldn't help but scoff, Tara had never been nor would she ever be a croweater. She was the furthest thing from it, and it had always been something he not only loved but adored about her. She didn't want to be that girl, refused to be. Tara had class, she deserved far better than she'd ever had. She deserved far better than him. "God no. She's a doctor."

Trinity's eyebrows shot up and her head turned abruptly to look at Jax. He almost laughed at the expression on her face. Almost. "How'd that happen?"

"High school sweethearts." He couldn't help but smile slightly at the image that popped into his head. It was an image that had been stuck with him since he was 15. The first time he ever truly noticed her. He'd known her, was friendly with her, knew her old man. But that one day at school, he'd walked out of the main building into the blinding sun, and when his eyes adjusted to the bright light the first thing he'd seen was Tara sitting under the bleachers reading a book. She was so damn beautiful, that had never changed, and he'd looked at her with a whole new set of eyes. She stopped being the brain in his class, stopped being the daughter of Jesse Knowles and started being the girl who he couldn't forget. Whenever he thought back to that time, it was the image he always remembered. That flawless, innocent and untouched memory.

"Wow. Then how is that she's not Abel's Ma?" Trinity's shoulder nudged his and he glanced up at her face for a second before dropping his gaze to the floor in front of him.

"She left town when we were 19 to go to school. Came back a few weeks before Abel was born." It was an over simplified answer to what was 11 years of hell without her in his arms. The pain and the hurt he knew they both had suffered couldn't be summed up into a few sentences and truth be known he didn't even know where he would begin to put it into words. But he didn't have to, whenever he thought back on it he knew the pain was painted in his eyes. He knew, because he'd seen it in hers.

"That's a long time away. But you never stopped loving her."

It wasn't a question, but he answered anyway. "No."

"She took on Abel?"

"As her own." Jax nodded. It had been amazing how quickly and effortlessly she'd taken on the role of Mother. He'd always known she'd be an amazing Mom and if he was being completely honest, she was the only woman he'd ever considered having kids with. Whenever he'd pictured his future, and tried to imagine a wife and kids, it was always Tara's face he saw. And even though he'd broken their unwritten rules and had a child with Wendy, Tara had immediately stepped up. She loved Abel as her own, there was no denying that.

"Good woman." Trinity muttered and reminded Jax of her presence. So lost in thought he'd actually forgotten she was still sitting beside him.

"She is." He couldn't help but smile slightly. It was an understatement, Tara wasn't just a good woman, she was amazing, and she was everything.

"So what happened?" And wasn't that the million dollar question. For a second Jax considered blowing off the question and not answering at all. But Trinity had taken a chance and come to him trying to comfort him, the least he could do for her effort was tell her the truth, no matter how bad it made him look.

"My fucked up life... She was there when Cameron took Abel. She'd been looking after him, went home with the Prospect to get more diapers, bottles. Cameron burst in while we were on the phone. I heard her scream and the line went dead."

"Shit."

"Yeah. Cameron killed the prospect, put a gun to Tara's head and took my son. When we got there, we found Sack dead on the kitchen floor, Tara in the nursery tied to a chair and gagged. Then she told me what Cameron had done. My son was gone." The tears welled in his eyes as the image of Cameron on that fucking boat, getting further and further away popped into his head.

"Poor Tara." Trinity's small voice beside him surprised Jax.

"Huh?"

"Well, seeing someone die right in front of you, even for a doctor that's got to be horrific. Then to have your child ripped out of your arms by a mad man with a gun pointed at your head. If she'd done too much Cameron could have hurt Abel or killed her. If that happens, who's left to tell you what happened and who had taken the baby? Then the guilt I'm sure she's suffering wondering if there was more she could have done, or if she should have died too."

Hearing it put that way, in simple yet uncompromising words Jax saw a side of that day he'd never seen before. He'd never blamed Tara before, but now he saw the situation for what it truly was, that for Tara it was a lose/lose. There was nothing she could have done to save anyone. She was stuck in a bad place, with bad people, trying with everything she had to protect her children. And no possible outcome would save them all. Trinity was right. If Tara had died, if he'd walked into that room to see her body laying lifeless on the floor it would have killed him. He wouldn't have been able to function to try and save Abel, to do anything. And there would be no one to tell them what happened. He had no idea that Cameron was out to get him; he would have been at a complete loss. But worst of all, he would have seen the one thing that he couldn't have survived. If Tara had fought too hard, Jax would have lost them both. No, not them both, all of them. There was one more life that had been hanging in the balance and Jax had never known.

"Why does that look on your face make me think there's more?"

There was more alright, "She's pregnant." Jax whispered. It still hadn't sunk in yet. With everything happening it was all too much and he couldn't think about it. Cause if he did, he'd see the hurt in her eyes that morning when she walked in on him and the porn slut. He'd see the hurt and know he'd done that to her while she was carrying his child. And he couldn't handle that reality right now.

"Oh Christ. So she's got two children's welfare to think about. I'm sure she was just trying to find a way where they all survived. Must have been..." Trinity shook her head as she trailed off. There weren't words for the hell Tara had gone through, or the guilt Jax was feeling as it only just now was becoming clear to him just what his beautiful girl had suffered through.

"Yeah."

"Now she's dealing with the fact that she's pregnant and her child is missing, in the clutches of strangers who are doing god only knows what to him. She's one tough woman. So why isn't she here?" And there it was, the one question Jax had been hoping she wouldn't ask. How did he tell his newly found sister just what an asshole her brother was?

"I fucked up." Jax whispered and foolishly hoped that would be enough, but when he glanced up at her face, he knew that wasn't going to happen. With a deep sigh, Jax averted his eyes, hung his head and finally whispered the words he was most ashamed of. "She walked in on me with someone else a few days ago."

"Jesus Christ Jackson." Trinity spat at him and stood from the bed to start pacing the floor in front of him.

"I know." Jax risked a quick look at her and saw the incredulous expression on Trinity's face as she paused in her pacing to stare at him, hands on her hips and riotous indignation in her eyes.

"So while she's trying to protect your children, and going through hell herself, you're running around two countries trying to get laid?" Trinity spat at him and Jax felt his defences rise at the tone of her voice and her accusing stare.

"It's not like that." He muttered in a poor attempt at self defence.

"It's looking a lot like that from where I'm sitting." Trinity glared before sighing deeply and dropping down to sit beside him on the bed again. After a long pause she spoke up again, her voice softer and less bitter this time. "Did you know? Did you know she was pregnant while you were acting like a right royal dick?"

"I only found out today." Jax admitted and saw her nod out of the corner of his eye, the floor boards seemed to be the best place for his gaze at the moment.

"Well, I guess that downgrades the situation by a half a percent." Trinity whispered and Jax thought for a moment that his little sister was going to let him off the hook. "So here's what you gotta do."

"You're going to tell me what to do?" Jax raised his eyebrows at her and smirked slightly. This little slip of a girl was going to tell him what to do, if nothing else, this should be funny.

"I'm your little sister, it's my job." She smiled while nudging his shoulder gently. "You're going to get your boy back. You're going to fly him home to his Ma, and you are going to drop to your knees and beg for her forgiveness. You're going to apologise for every shitty thing you've ever done and pray that she doesn't kick you out on your arse." Trinity spoke with conviction and Jax didn't doubt for a second that she'd more than likely be calling him to make sure he did just that.

"Yeah, I guess so." Jax muttered as he hung his head again. That all sounded great, but Trinity didn't know Tara. She hadn't seen the look in her eyes that morning. She didn't know that he'd done the one thing Tara couldn't, and wouldn't forgive. She didn't realise that she was asking him to do something when he doubted she'd even be there when he got home.

"No guessing Jackson, just doing." Trinity's voice was firm and broke no argument. "You know, I've heard everyone here talking about how much you look like John Teller. My own Ma telling me how you're just like him. Well don't be. Be better; fix the shit storm you've created with the woman who's carrying your child, the woman who is the mother of your missing child. Be a man." With that final dose of wisdom from his sister who was practically still a child herself, Trinity stood from the bed and left the room, leaving Jax to think about the mess he'd created. Tara's face popped into his head for the millionth time since they'd left Charming, but unlike all the other times when he remembered her face smiling and happy, all he could see now was the hurt he'd caused. The look on her face that horrible morning and Jax's heart broke all over again.

He had to get Abel back. Take him home and pray that Tara would still be there. That she would open the door and hear him out. Cause he didn't want live without her, didn't want to lose her. He wanted to be a family, a real family. The two of them and their children.


Ok guys, so everyone who leaves signed reviews knows that I normally reply before uploading a new chapter. But I'm a bit time poor at the moment and I didn't want to keep you all waiting any longer for a new chapter. I promise I will reply to your reviews as soon as possible. I want to thank everyone for the wonderful reviews for the last chapter. I really appreciate all the support and the fact that you take the time to leave them. :D

I hope you enjoy this chapter, until next time guys...

xx Ally