Special thanks to myboygeorge for help with a scene in this chapter!
January 9
Penn Station, 11:30 A.M.
Today is Bella's birthday, and she is now six years old.
Most kids her age would want a birthday party of some kind, with all of their little buddies, complete with cake and presents, but not my Bella. She flat out refused Javier's and Lanie's offer of even a small gathering with Raja, Lily Joy, Ezekiel and Moses—her closest friends—but she still said no.
Desperate for an answer, the Espositos asked me to appeal to Bella and when I did, she told me that she was more than content to wait for next year to have an actual party because she wanted Jessica to be with us. Bella couldn't bear the idea of having a party to celebrate something like a birthday so much that she became physically ill and begged me to changed the subject.
About an hour or so after that, she told me that the only thing she really wanted for her birthday was a day out with me—her daddy.
That's exactly what I'm going to give her today.
I had to work an overnight shift in the supply room yesterday (which I know I'll pay for later when I get tired) but it was all worth it because it meant that I was done at eleven in the morning, at the train station in the Garment District in Chelsea to Penn Station in Manhattan and settled in my seat by eleven-ten as the train started to move. At eleven-thirty, the train was rolling into Penn Station and I was disembarking with all of the other passengers. I even made it outside to hail a taxi in record time because I was extremely excited to get to the Esposito house to see Bella.
When I got to the address and paid the driver, I was barely out of the taxi when I saw Bella come out to stand on the front stoop and wave to me even though the temperature was below freezing.
"Hey, birthday girl!" I picked her up in a hug and carried her inside. "We have to go indoors now."
"I know, but I'm just so excited to see you!"
"That makes perfect sense, but where are abuela and abuelo?"
Bella opened her mouth to answer, but Lanie came down the stairs to where we were. She figured out for herself how I got in, but she raised an eyebrow at Bella, who was still in my arms.
"Did you just open the front door without asking me?"
"Yes, buela." She squeaked, realizing that Lanie was a little unhappy with her.
"How many times have we told you to wait for one of us to open it first?"
"Lots." Bella admitted. "I'll try a little harder to remember next time."
Lanie softened up at this. "Okay, niña. Go ahead and get your things together."
My daughter grinned at this and turned back to me. "I gotta go get my things from the other room, but I'll be right back, okay? You can talk to buela, but you just gotta be quiet 'cause Gracie and Leo are sleeping upstairs."
"I promise you I'll be quiet, Princess." I set her down on the floor. "I'll be right here."
Lanie and I watched her go towards the backdoor that to the backyard where Bella sometimes plays by herself.
"Where's Javier?" I asked curiously.
"He left to go grocery shopping a little bit ago." Lanie sat down on the bench by the stairs and beckoned me over so I could join her. "What are you and Bella going to do today?"
"We're going to have a special day at Color Me Mine, out at the mall because Bella asked me if we could go there. We're going to paint a frame and whatever else her heart desires."
"That's right—I remember now. She got so excited about it that her voice gave out, and she was talking so fast that we could hardly make heads or tales of what she was telling us to begin with."
I raised an eyebrow at her. "But Bella has been very vocal since I got here! Did her voice come back overnight?"
"I guess it did." She answered with a shrug. "Let us know of anything happens to her again, all right? We don't want it to turn into anything serious…"
"No, we don't." I agreed, thinking of how mine and Jessica's frame of mind would be if any kind of harm fell upon Bella or any of our future children. "I'd be sure to tell you and Javier straight away if anything happened to Bella."
Lanie smiled in approval, but at the same time that she looked ready to respond, Bella walked into the room with her arms full of her snow gear. She dumped them unceremoniously at my feet before touching her hand to my knee, a gesture she always does to make sure she has the attention of whomever she is talking to.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, Princess?"
"Do I have to wear my snow pants if I'm already wearing a dress and really warm tights? This is my new dress from Abuela Ophelia and Buelo Mish. I don't want it to get all wrinkly right now…"
She did a little twirl to show off her pretty birthday dress.
"I don't know. Why don't you ask abuela?"
Bella turned to Lanie, waiting for an answer, and in response, she playfully tweaked her granddaughter's nose.
"Niña, that kind of thing is up to Yoshi."
My little girl was taken aback by this, as was I, but she still got her say in first.
"Why is it up to him?"
"Because he's your daddy, silly."
Bella's face lit up and joy at this and she kept her hand on my knee, still talking to Lanie, agreeing with what she had said. "Yoshi is my daddy and I love him as much as mama! I love them both forever and ever!"
Lanie chuckled as she got to her feet and headed to the kitchen, leaving me with Bella, whom I quickly scooped into my lap for a cuddle. Obviously, she hadn't been expecting it because she gave a happy squeal and clapped her hands like was a small child, but she knows, understands why and respects why I can be limited in showing physical affection every now and again, so because of that and the overwhelming compassion she's always had in general, unexpected hugs never fail to melt her little heart.
Demonstrating my point, she gave me a peck on the cheek and leaned in closer to me.
"I love you, daddy." She sighed happily. "You're the best ever."
"You're the best daughter ever."
She pulled away and looked at me in complete seriousness. "Even if mama had another daughter? You wouldn't forget about me?"
"I couldn't ever forget about you."
"You promise?"
I nodded in confirmation. "A promise is a promise, Bella."
"You promise that you're never gonna forget about me, even if mama has two more babies and they can both see better than me?"
My heart plummeted a little bit at her words because I knew that this topic would be brought up one day, so I gave her a squeezing hug of reassurance. "Gabriella Delaney Esposito, I'm always going to love you, no matter how many more babies mama has and no matter how well those babies can see. Do you know why?"
Bella shook her head and trained her semi milky-colored eyes on m face. "Why, daddy? Tell me why."
"It's because you're my firstborn. Do you know what that means?"
"That I came first?"
"That's exactly right, Princess Bella. You're my firstborn, so you're always going to have an extra special part in my heart because of that."
"I like that a lot."
"Do you know what that means all in all?"
"No..."
"It means that nobody can ever take that away from you."
Bella gave me a satisfied smile. "I'm your firstborn, like how mama is her mama's and daddy's firstborn?"
"That's right."
"Are you Abuela Amaya's firstborn?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm not. I had a sister named Cho, but she died before I was born. My mama said that Cho would've liked me, so I think she would've like you and mama, too."
"What does Cho's name mean, again? It sounds Japanese, but I'm not so good with those kinds of words yet."
(Ever since Bella made the connection that I grew up speaking Japanese alongside English, she's become extremely fascinated by the language and absorbs all that I teach her about it as if she's a little sponge)
"It means butterfly. My daddy really liked butterflies, and so did my mama."
"So they decided to call your sissy Cho 'cause it means butterfly?"
"You got it."
Bella nodded but looked like she was deep in thought about something.
"Daddy," she said after a second. "I want to paint something for me, but if we something with a butterfly on it, can I paint it for Abuela Amaya to give to her after the baby comes today."
"Sure, Princess, but what makes you think that my sister is going to be born today?"
My daughter's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Daddy, sometimes you just know that kind of thing."
"Are you sure that you're only six?" I teased her.
"Quite sure." She giggled comically. "Why?"
"It's just that you sometimes talk like you're a lot older than six."
I set her down on the floor and laughed as she immediately began smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress.
"Are you still wondering about your snow pants?"
"Yes."
"You don't have to wear them, Bella." (I laughed when I saw her give a huge sigh of relief) "We'll just bundle you up all nice and toasty, but I promise you that you don't have to wear your snow pants. No point in getting your new dress all wrinkly, right?"
She giggled, nodding in agreement. "Right. I don't want wrinkles in my pretty new dress."
Bella chattered happily with me as I helped her put on her snow gear, but still reminded me at regular intervals that we had to be mindful of the little ones who were sound asleep in their cribs upstairs. We said goodbye to Lanie and were just leaving the house as Javier got home from the grocery store, but Bella barely heard his words of "Have fun, birthday girl!" because she was too absorbed in getting us out the door.
"Daddy, how are we gonna get there?"
"Your choice, Princess—taxi or subway."
She furrowed her eyebrows as she thought hard. "Okay, but are we going to the mall that has the subway in it?"
"Indeed we are."
(I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, wishing that she'd hurry and make up her mind. I also wished that I'd had the foresight to think of this part of the plan while we had still been inside where it was warm)
"The subway gives me the heebie-jeebies 'cause it's hard for me to see," she gave a visible shudder that was more to do with her fear of the dark more than the cold temperatures. "But I'll still pick it 'cause it'll be fun to go into the mall. It'll be like a adventure."
"I also like that idea," I told her as I held her hand while we walked down the sidewalk in the direction of the subway entrance. "And I'm so proud of you that you want to conquer your fears."
She gave me a smug grin. "Well, I'm six now, so I have to stop being scared of things like the subway just 'cause it's dark down there."
"That's a good reason."
"Know why else I gotta overcome my fears?"
"Why?"
We arrived at the subway entrance and she pressed closer to me as we descended down the stairs and into the big lunch rush commute.
"It's 'cause I gotta set a good example for Gracie and Leon. They are my tía and tío, but they're still way little than me."
I put my metro card into the machine slot, collected it and then pushed the turnstile so I could go through, but when I turned to see Bella trying to go through (she doesn't have to pay because she's under a certain age), I suppressed a laugh when I saw that she'd gotten stuck and was clearly struggling against it. Moving quickly, I freed her and the two of us hurried over to the platform to board the correct subway car before we continued our conversation.
"I'm glad that you want to set a good example for the little ones."
"Thanks, daddy!" she chirped happily as we took our seats and the subway car began moving along. "Guess what?"
"Do tell."
"There's other little ones I gotta set an example for!"
"Who?"
"My baby brother and sister that you and mama are gonna adopt one day if they don't grow inside mama's tummy."
(I felt my own stomach flip-flop, just like it does every time I think of the possibility of having biological kids with Jessica)
"You really want siblings, huh?"
She nodded and leaned against me. "I really don't want to be by myself anymore."
"But you've got me and mama and all your friends." I pointed out. "You've also got Jeffery, Sophia, Tokutaro, Mitsunobu, Shinju and Nozomi. They like you. A lot."
"Yeah," She sighed heavily. "But they're not my brothers and sisters 'cause they're yours. They're my tíos and tías, just like my Gracie and Leo are."
"That's one way to look at it."
Bella snuggled up to me and poured on the charm, just like she does every time that she wants to get something from someone. "Will you talk to mama when she comes back? About making babies grow in her tummy?"
I blanched slightly at her bluntness but still pulled her in for a hug, knowing that she loved and practically counted every hug she gets from me. "I'll ask her when she comes back, Gabriella, I promise… although, when she does return, she's probably going to be super exhausted so that means that we'll have to give her some space."
"But what if mama just wants kisses and cuddles from me and you?"
"Then we'll give her kisses and cuddles—as many as she needs."
"Then you'll talk to her about making babies grow inside of her tummy?"
I kissed her affectionately on the top of her head. "Yes, Bella, I'll talk to her about it after that."
"Fantástico."
She leaned back against me and was quiet for the rest of the ride out to the mall. Despite the seriousness of the conversation, she was perfectly content because she'd gotten everything she wanted from the conversation we'd just had. No other words were needed.
Forty-five minutes later, Color Me Mine
After disembarking the subway and emerging into the lobby of the mall, we made it into the Color Me Mine studio with no problems and after explaining the situation to Bella, she was beyond thrilled to pieces to see that I'd gotten the birthday package for her, meaning that she could paint up to three pieces and that they'd even take a picture for her to put into a frame if she wanted to paint one of the numerous frames on the selection shelf. Bella thought that this idea was particularly splendid because she wanted a picture of the two of us to put on her bedside table, but she insisted on getting a second frame, saying that this one was going to one day have a family portrait of me, her and Jessica in it.
And when we found a small clay butterfly for Bella to paint for my mom?
Well, my little girl got so excited that she insisted on painting that piece first.
And we did.
Bella and I selected some smocks on the rack near the back wall and while I sat the frames on one of the spacious tables near the front window looking out to the walkway where all of the other shops were located. (Bella's field of vision is literally pretty narrow—although I shouldn't be one to talk—but everybody around her believes that her condition has been steadily improving every day because of the special glasses that she wears) While I got our table secure, Bella brought over a whole array of paint bottles to me and spread them out with assistance from the shopkeeper,
When he was gone, I helped my daughter to get all of the colors that she wanted on the plate, thankful that she could identify them herself, even though her vision is far more limited than my own.
But… we eventually hit a rough spot that I'd anticipated would come up during the course of our visit to Color Me Mine, which is all about painting pottery. It started when we got to the last frame, the heart-shaped one that she was intending for the family portrait that we were going to take when Jessica returned to us.
"Daddy, do you think that that the red and the glittery silver go together well? I do."
"Uh…"
Immediately concerned by my lack of a proper answer, Bella put the frame down and looked at me curiously.
"What's the matter daddy? You look worried 'bout something."
"I am worried, Princess, because I'm worried about how to tell you this thing I've been thinking about."
This had her full attention and she got off her chair so she could come stand next to the chair that I was in.
"What is it, daddy? Is it your mama or Papa Jim?" Her eyes grew wide in alarm as another thought crossed her mind. "Is it about the baby growing inside your mama's tummy, Princess Doodlebug?"
I laughed at the nickname that the little kids had long ago bestowed on my littlest sister. "No, it's not about my parents, and I'm especially sure that Princess Doodlebug is okay."
"You would know if she was coming, though, right?"
"Yes, I would." I reassured her. "Tía Sophie would call me and tell me if Princess Doodlebug was coming. She promised that she would call me about if it happened while you and I were out."
"Could I come with you to the hospital if it happens today? I really want to meet your sister!"
"We'll see what happens, but we don't even know if that's going to happen today—"
"I told you it's gonna!" she interjected.
"Bella, don't interrupt."
"Lo siento, daddy. Your turn to talk now."
"Thank you." I gave her hand a reassuring pat. "The thing that I have to tell you is kind of big. Do you want to sit on my lap?"
She shook her head. "No thank you. I'm six today, so that means I have to be a big girl now."
"Can I at least hold your hands?"
"Of course!"
I turned to face her completely and laid my hands flat out on my lap with my palms facing up. Bella placed her hands in mine and looked up at mine so quickly that my heart suddenly filled up with all kinds of parental affection because it showed just how much trust she's placed in me. She knows that I'd never do her wrong and fix any of her pain as best I ever could.
"Bella, I'm blind, too."
She blinked in surprise, but kept her hand in mine. "Nuh-uh! You can see me!"
"That's true, but the difference between us is that you can see in color and I can't."
"You don't see in color?"
"Nope. I see in grey, white and black—like a dog."
"Whoa…"
"What do you think about this?"
"Does mama know?"
"She does."
Bella sounded like she was choosing her words carefully. "Mama loves you still? Even though you and her can't see?"
"That's right."
"It's not gonna change anything?"
"Never in a million years."
"Daddy, what if my brother and sister can't see? Are you going to keep loving mama? Are you going to keep loving the babies?"
My heart caught in my throat because the weight of her questions was not lost on me, and even though we'd already discussed this issue earlier, it didn't bother me all that much to answer her again.
"Of course I'll keep loving mama and the babies—we're a family, Bella."
"So that means that you'd also love the babies if they can see perfect? That's gonna be so weird if we're all blind and they're not."
"That's not going to change anything, either."
"And you're going to always love me 'cause I'm your firstborn."
"Right again."
Bella started to absently trace little shapes on my palms with her fingertips. "You've never ever seen in color like everyone else can? You've never seen the real colors of a rainbow?"
"Not once a day in my life."
"That's a total bummer, daddy. Colors are so pretty…"
"My parents told me that all the time when I was little."
"Not being able to see in color is still a bummer."
"I totally agree."
Her face crumpled up a little and she started taking deep breaths to steady herself.
"Gabriella Delaney, are you crying?"
She immediately took a small step away and hung her head so we were no longer keeping eye contact with each other.
"Maybe a little bit."
"Crying is okay, you know."
"I know." She gave a huge telltale sniffle. "My heart kind of hurts for you, daddy. It's a little broken."
"Because I can't see in regular color?"
Nod.
"Is there anything that would make you feel better?"
Nod.
"If you want to tell me, you have to look at me."
She forced herself to look up at me. "Go get a cup to paint."
"I beg your pardon?"
She wiped her tears away and regained control of her voice, and the strength of it reminded me a lot of her mother.
"Go get a cup to paint so you can give it to mama when she comes home. I have an idea."
"Do you need help?"
"No."
I chuckled and got up, knowing that once she spoke in that kind of tone, there was no changing her mind about what was going on inside her head. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the shopkeeper go over to our table when Bella flagged her down, so I took my time in choosing a mug to give to Jessica. After I paid for it and returned to the table with a particularly nice looking mug and sat in my chair again, I saw that my daughter looking quite pleased with herself.
"What's going on?"
Bella gestured towards the row of paint bottles and Styrofoam bowls in front of them.
"Each bowl has a number on them, daddy—one, two, three, four, five and six—all right?"
"Okay…"
She touched the tops of the paint bottles in turn as she continued. "There's also those numbers on the tops of the bottles to help you know the colors—red, orange, green, blue yellow and purple. Now it means that you can paint something for mama and not worry about getting the paints all mixed up! Do you like it?"
"Yes, I do, Princess Bella. This was a great idea and super thoughtful!"
Bella blushed furiously as she grinned. "My heart doesn't hurt that much anymore 'cause I helped to fix your problem a little bit."
"Thank you!" I tweaked her nose playfully, just like Lanie had done back at the house. "What are mama's favorite colors?"
"Blue, purple and yellow." She answered without hesitation. "Those are her favorite colors. Does that help, too?"
"A lot. Thank you."
Bella smiled and went back to working on her frame. "Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"I love you a lot. I'm sad that mama's not here today, but I'm so glad you are 'cause this birthday has been lots and lots of good fun so far."
"I'm glad that you're feeling happy, and I love you, too."
I watched as the smile on Bella's face turned into a wide grin before starting to work on my own project.
Later
Just as we were turning our projects in to the shopkeeper so she could glaze them and fire them in the kiln for us and I finished explaining to Bella that I would pick up the projects and give them to her in a few days, my phone rang. Moving out to the main walkway so the shopkeeper could attend to the other customers, I fished my phone out of my pocket and answered it, not looking too closely at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
There was a hurried voice on the other end of the line. "Kiyoshi, where are you?"
"Sophie, is that you?"
"Yes, it's me!" I could practically see her eyes rolling. "Where are you?"
"At the mall with my daughter, like I told you I was going to be!"
"Whatever! Jeffery and I are in a taxi on the way to Saint Brigid's because Amaya is in labor!"
