BLOOD DIMMED TIDE: PART ONE

The weight in his hand matched the weight in his heart. Ianto shifted it, the cold metal stinging his hot sweaty palm as he changed his grip. It was heavy and uncomfortable, wouldn't sit right in either hand, and Ianto really didn't want to be holding it right now. He had tried to regard the thing as a tool but the bottom line was a gun was designed to kill and in the right hands... well that was questionable... in well trained hands it could kill with one clean shot. The best way to end a life was straight between the eyes or through the back of the head. Ianto was well trained. He found the whole notion of killing distasteful, wasteful, wrong. In his book there was never a reason to kill, not even in self defence.

Torchwood felt differently.

Jack felt differently and after the disastrous trip out to Brecon, here he was, deep underground with a loaded weapon in his damp hand. He looked down at the gun and once again re-settled his grip and sighed heavily.

"You ready Ianto?"

There was an order in there somewhere and Ianto nodded before eventually looking his boss in the eyes. Jack had almost shot him two months previously and Ianto had wanted to shoot him. He never would have, of course, in the same way that he hadn't been able to blow his own brains out the night after Lisa's death.

"Yes, sir."

He turned and faced the targets, relaxed his shoulders and evened out his breathing, one breath, in hale, exhale and repeat deeply and slowly. Ianto raised his arm which was steady as a rock and squeezed the trigger six times. Six headshots and six sentences of death on the hapless paper weevil. He lowered his arm and clicked the safety back on, the clip was released and placed on the table beside him. Ianto heard Jack whistling from behind him.

"Who taught you to do that?"

The target was brought forward for closer inspection.

"Dai Reynolds, he had a BB gun, we used to shoot cans when I was a kid." Ianto replied automatically. Reynolds was serving time for armed robbery now.

Jack was looking closely at the target, three shots had gone through the same hole. It was easy to shoot something made of paper, that didn't move, or breathe and talk back at you.

"You shoot well, but clearly aren't comfortable with having to do it."

"Why would anyone want to be comfortable with firing a gun?"

Jack faced the younger man with a slight smirk. "It's called self interest Ianto. I need you to be comfortable with it. Much as I admire your bravery in head butting your captors to save Tosh, it's kinda better not to incapacitate yourself in the process of trying to escape."

"I wasn't trying to escape." It slipped out before he could stop it and Jack's eyes narrowed.

"So what were you trying to do?"

Ianto placed the gun beside the clips on the table and shoved his hands into his trouser pockets.

"When I saw that room, that kitchen... I just wanted to get Tosh out of there." It was mostly true. "I saw a way out for myself." He added finally.

Jack folded his arms across his chest. "I'm sorry you still feel that way."

Ianto shook his head. "No you're not. I'm no different to those weapons on that table. I'm a tool, Jack, something to be used."

"Is that really how you see yourself?"

Ianto shrugged, he didn't know what he was feeling or what he was thinking. Everything had been as clear as mud since that day in London, his moral boundaries blurred by desperation because his universe had just collapsed around him. He'd been a tool, a tiny cog in the workings of Torchwood One, he'd been... he didn't know what to that half converted thing he had rescued and now he was Jack's toy.

"Ianto?" Jack studied his youngest team member closely, even now his face shadowed with bruising, giving him a somewhat ghoulish cast. He'd never thought of Ianto as an object, someone to be used. He liked Ianto, far more than he was willing to admit, even to himself.

Ianto stood there frozen as if caught in amber and Jack continued to watch.

"Who am I Jack?"

The question surprised him and Jack was forced to shrug. "I don't know Ianto. I'm not sure I've ever seen who you really are, even when we were more intimate you hid yourself, never let yourself go. I'm no nearer to knowing you than I was when you first came here." Maybe that was why he had enjoyed the sex so much, Ianto was not someone who came willingly, who would easily let go and roar out an orgasm.

"Those people were going to eat me, they say when you eat someone, you learn all their secrets, you become them..."

"Superstitious bullshit, and you know it."

Ianto toed at some fluff on the concrete floor. "You should have killed me, why didn't you?"

Jack had no clear answer to that. "You deserved a chance, what you did was brave, misguided and for all the right reasons. I'm glad I didn't kill you. Do you want to die?"

After some time of staring at the floor, Ianto shrugged. "Is this living? This constant nagging in my gut, the feeling that I have to continually look over my shoulder because I can still feel their anger boring into my back? Am I alive when I feel like an empty husk? I don't know who I am anymore, how can you live when you don't know who you are?"

"Then go back to the beginning. You're your Father's son, your mother's child... start from there, you'll find yourself."

Ianto sighed, thinking of all the lies he had built up around himself. "That may be harder than you think."

Jack sighed. "Try Ianto, it's not that hard, you have to stop being so wrapped up in your losses and move on."

"Like you do?" He spat back.

Jack narrowed his eyes. "Don't be stupid Ianto, you're way smarter than that, this isn't about me."

"No it isn't." Ianto looked up and gazed about at everything except Jack. "I should go home, is there anything else you need before I go, sir?"

Jack shook his head. "We will start your combat training in the morning, make sure to bring something comfortable to wear, wouldn't want to ruin that lovely suit of yours."

"With all due respect sir, why are you training me for the field? I was useless out there in Brecon?"

"You saved Tosh, gave her a fighting chance and bought me some time... whether by accident or design. I need you in the here and now, you are more than capable of handling yourself. You really want to spend your life cleaning up and making coffee?"

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"YOU like my coffee."

"Yes, and please God don't stop that but, you have great potential Ianto what you did for Lisa was enough to show me that, you are way smarter than you make yourself out to be, put it to use, give yourself something to take pride in."

"Is that your answer to everything?"

Jack scowled. "I'm trying to help, stop fighting me."

Ianto scowled back. "You talk like you care."

Jack schooled his features straight away. "You are a part of this team, start acting like it, stop distancing yourself. You go about this place like a ghost, you make them edgy because you don't talk, you don't smile anymore... there's nothing Ianto and they need something to let them know that you can be trusted and relied upon. If you can't do that then I have no use for you here."

That was it then, a part of the machinery. He could start from there.

Jack could see it in Ianto's eyes, that depreciation and his heart sank.

"You have a beautiful smile Ianto. Let them see it once in a while. Let them see you for the human being that you are."

The shutters went down and Jack instantly recognised that closed off look.

"Good night, sir." Ianto turned and walked away and Jack let him go. Sighing in the wake of Ianto's departure he turned to stowing the weapons away.

Ianto strode stiffly up to the main Hub and began shutting down for the night. He collected the mugs and loaded the dishwasher and then went around with a rubbish sack and emptied bins and collected the detritus that the Torchwood team had left for the day. Once done he pulled on his over coat and left via the cog door. The tourist shop was locked up behind him as he stepped out into a chilly October night. A quick glance at his watch told him it was almost 2am. Home then and maybe a nightmare or two for company.

Sleep came in the form of three pills. Owen had said to take one, but that wasn't enough.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Hub was in darkness when Jack came up from the shooting range. Sighing he grabbed his coat and went out, choosing the lift as his exit point. He liked the lift, enjoying looking down on his domain as he left its confines for the rest of the night. He found a convenient lay for a couple of hours and then headed for the roof of the British Gas building to see in the dawn.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ianto rolled out of his drug induced slumber at 6am precisely. He was always like that, his life so regimented and controlled. It was easier that way, easier now that Lisa was... gone. The fear had been replaced with emptiness and Ianto wondered as he showered if it was grief or some sort of release from the bindings of caring for her... for it... whatever it was she had become. He made coffee and then dressed in his suit only remembering to pack track pants and t-shirt into an overnight bag at the last minute. He didn't want to be trained to fight, he didn't want anything if truth be told. As he stepped through his front door into the outside world he found himself considering the taste of human flesh. He threw his coffee up into the gutter outside his house.

It was some moments before he managed to compose himself and Ianto glanced nervously up and down the road in the hopes that no one had seen him in such a disgusting act.

The Hub was empty when Ianto arrived so after shucking his coat and hanging it up he made his way to the kitchen area and the coffee machine, with a light head and slightly shaking hands he began to empty the dishwasher. He carefully arranged the mugs and glasses in their rightful places, gripping the items tightly for fear of dropping them. A glass shattered in his hand and Ianto winced as red flooded from his palm and dripped over the concrete flooring. The tumbler slid from his grasp and the pieces shattered, scattering noisily around his feet. Ianto lunged for the sink and turned on the tap. A chunk of glass was wedged deep into the flesh of his palm and Ianto stared at it blankly as his blood bubbled down the plug hole with the water.

He failed to notice the sounds of the cog door opening and Owen standing beside him a moment later.

"Oi, Tea Boy what the fuck are you...?" Owen stopped mid tirade, all thoughts of his coffee fix gone the moment he noticed the greyness of Ianto's skin matching his shirt. There was a lot of blood... everywhere. Cautiously Owen stepped into the mess, glass crunching under his feet.

"Ianto mate... here let me help."

Owen slipped into medic mode and carefully reached round Ianto's statue like form and shut off the tap. He looked down seeing that Ianto was holding his bleeding hand over the sink, apparently in a world of his own. Owen wondered how long the younger man had been standing there. Shit. He grabbed a towel and cautiously eased it around both of Ianto's hands.

"Come on Tea Boy, lets get you down to the autopsy bay so I can sort this out."

Ianto was completely quiet and compliant and Owen steered him along and down the steps and even sat him down on a chair next to his computer terminal. It worried Owen no end that Ianto appeared oblivious, almost catatonic so he was very relieved when the Welshman hissed his displeasure at the removal of the towel.

"Ow, shit."

Owen snorted. "Back with me then." He was examining the injury having pulled a lamp down from over head to get a better look. "Sorry mate I'm going to have to give you a local to get that glass out."

Ianto was staring at it as if noticing it for the first time. "The glass, it broke in my hand."

"It's ok mate, won't take long to fix up." Owen sighed. "I need you to take your jacket off so I can take your blood pressure."

Ianto complied, shakily sliding out of the ruined silk wool blend, being careful as he slid his wounded hand along the sleeve. It was dropped to the floor.

"What's going on?" It was Jack who had appeared from his night time wanderings and was standing at the top of the steps looking down on his two team mates.

Ianto looked up and Jack thought he looked like he was about to faint.

"I broke a glass, it just shattered in my hand... maybe I was holding it too tight and I wa..." He sank sideways and Jack bolted down the steps only just in time to help Owen stop him from ending up on the tiled floor. Together they hauled the mostly unconscious Ianto onto the metal exam table. Jack shoved a pillow under Ianto's head and stood back to let Owen do his job.

"I found him standing by the sink with his hand bleeding, he seemed a bit out of it. It's probably shock, but I suspect he's been overdosing on the sleeping tablets I prescribed. Give me a while to sort him out and run some tests, there's a mess by the coffee machine if you want to be useful."

Jack gaped at his medic. "And the boss around here is?"

Owen arched an eyebrow, but didn't look up as he worked on Ianto. "You are, but the cleaner boy here is in no position to clean and I wouldn't guarantee the kind the reaction you'd get if you ask Tosh or Gwen to clean up."

Jack shook his head. "Ok, keep me posted."

"Will do and put some coffee on will ya?"

Jack was shaking his head as he made his way out of the autopsy bay.

Ianto lay there, compliant and feeling somewhat drunk as he watched through hazy eyes. Owen was moving around him, then there was pressure on his left arm, cold on his chest and he was rolled onto his side for more cold on his back. Ianto knew somewhere in the fogginess that passed for his brain that he should understand what was going on... Owen's face came into view.

"How many sleeping pills did you take last night?"

Ianto blinked at him and ran his tongue around his mouth. "Errr... three. I took three."

Owen cursed. "You twat, no wonder you're in magic mist, what time did you take them?"

"2am."

Owen glanced at his watch, it was now just past 0830hours, technically Ianto should still be asleep. He turned his attention to Ianto's injury and got to work. Ianto dozed off and began to snore very loudly.

His job done, Owen left Ianto to sleep under a thermal blanket on the autopsy bench. He ambled up to Jack's office and discovered that Gwen and Tosh were already there. Three pairs eyes turned toward him and Owen found himself feeling mildly disconcerted by the attention, his gaze met Gwen's and she dipped her chin a blush colouring her cheeks and that made Owen grin as he stepped into the room.

"How's Ianto?"

Jack was nursing a mug of substandard coffee.

"He's asleep, the cut to his hand was pretty deep but no lasting damage has been done. His blood work indicates he's been taking too many of the sleeping pills I prescribed so when he wakes up I shall go back with him to his house and take them all away." Owen perched his arse on the edge of Jack's desk.

"He'll be fine after a few days rest."

Jack was looking thoughtful. "I think Brynnblaidd affected him pretty badly and I am certain he is not over what happened to Lisa."

Tosh folded her arms and sat forward in her chair. "How can he be over it? How do you get over what happened? Jack he barely survived Canary Wharf, then he had to care for Lisa alone, then she died and finally, to top it off a bunch of freaks in the countryside tenderise him ready for a casserole. How is he still sane?"

"You're right Tosh, of course. Ok Owen, keep me posted."

Owen nodded. "I was going suggest we send Ianto for some psycho therapy but I guess that's out of the question."

Jack was frowning at the mug in his hand, wondering whether or not Gwen had been trying to kill him with its contents.

Jack shrugged.

"Personally I think you should Retcon the poor bastard and cut him loose." The medic continued receiving a glare from Tosh for his efforts.

"No aside from the fact that the Retcon would likely not take, those kind of high doses are unhealthy at best and I don't feel right about sweeping him under the proverbial carpet."

"Then find him someone to talk to." Owen responded firmly.

Jack nodded, knowing full well that that person would have to be him. "I'll sort it."

Owen had his doubts.

"But it I also want the rest of you to make more of an effort with him. I know that is easier said than done after what happened with Lisa, but right now he needs our support not our anger so any bad feelings you have on the matter then you put them aside."

"I forgave him the day it happened Jack." Tosh said, slightly hurt that he thought otherwise. "Remember what I did for my mother, I am in no position to judge him. He loved her and there was no way he was in a state to think to think rationally about what he was doing."

Owen and Gwen were nodding with agreement.

"I may not like him that much, but I don't blame him Jack, I know I would've done the same." Owen sighed thinking of Katie and wishing he wasn't.

"Then tell him that, not me." Jack instructed. "Now if you don't mind I have paperwork that needs doing and I am running out of excuses to avoid it."

AN: This is completely pointless and random but I was experimenting with the title and trying to gain some meaning from it... Experimenting again... never good really... Anyway as this has no point let's dub it a missing scene thing so I can get away with it. Uhmmmmm...