A/N: New poll is up! Have you ever wanted to know how old I am? Now you don't have to know! By voting/guessing, we can change my age. And that, my friends, is American democracy.

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I've gotten two fantastic entries for Contest-o Dos so far. C'mon, guys! I know there's more budding comedians (and actually good writers) out there!

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In completely unrelated news, Dexter season 3 started filming today. Can I hear a holla-back from any Dexter fans?

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Well, it's the return of (gasp) a real cliché. Yes, an honest-to-goodness script format piece of crap (hurrah!). Or gold, whatever (hehe). Stop that (no)! Oh, the voices…

This is inspired by a real fic- then again, I twisted around the entire plot. I'm sincerely sorry for bashing it. I'm taking it out of context and making it look ridiculous…

Hells Pass Hospital

Bella: Hmmm… I think I'll go ride my motorcycle with Jacob, who is magically in La Push instead of hiding out in the woods like the end of Eclipse states.

Jacob: Hey, Bella! Are you ready?

--

Bella's heart: I can't wait to hear Edward's voice!

Bella's mind: Wait a second… isn't this set in Eclipse?

Bella's heart: Yup. When she's about to marry Edward.

Bella's mind: But then… why do you want to hear Edward's voice?

Bella's heart: -shrug- Idk, my bff Jill?

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Jacob: So, ready to go?

Bella: Yeppers!

-Bella crashes about a dozen times. She is sent to the hospital.-

Bella: Jesus, Edward is SO overprotective. I mean, come on! I have to go to the hospital just for a concussion and some broken bones? Jeez!

--

Bella's mind: Wait a tick tock. Is Edward gone or not?

Bella's heart: Um… shut up! Shut it off!

Bella's mind: Okay, shutting up.

--

Random Medical guy (let's call him "Bobby"): What up, dawg?

Bella: Heh?

Bobby: Come in to this conveniently placed darkened room so I can, um, show you your, um, test results…

Bella: Sweet baby Jesus I'm dumb.

-Bobby rapes Bella. Though she does not fight back then, a scuffle occurs afterward.-

Bella: NOOOO!

-Bella pushes him and runs away-

Bella: Gee, I hope I didn't hurt him. And I hope Edward doesn't find out. –Sees Jacob- JAKE!

Jacob: You look kind of scared.

Bella: What do you mean?

Jacob: Like you just got raped or something.

Bella: No I didn't! Shut up! Shut it off!

Jacob: Kay then!

-Bella returns home safely to Edward-

Edward: So, have you been watching the news lately?

Bella: No, I only watch the Colbert Report. (A/N: Squee!)

Edward: -clears throat- Well… guess what?

Bella: What Edward my one and only love?

Edward: A hospital worker was mysteriously pushed out the window earlier today!

Bella: Oh no! I hope he doesn't find out it was me!

Edward: Find out what was you?

Bella: Did I say that out loud? Oh, it's nothing.

Edward: I believe you because I am a gullible fool.

-Three days later-

Carlisle: Bella, we have a surprise for you!

Bella: Is it a pony?

Carlisle: NO! It's your new special friend?

Bella: -twitch- What??

Carlisle: You remember that hospital guy who fell from a window?

Edward: -muttering-

Carlisle: What was that?

Edward: I said, he was pu-

Bella: That's enough talking for now, Eddiekins!

Edward: -growl-

-SMASH!-

Edward: -whimper-

Carlisle: Well, here's what happened…

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-Flashback-

Carlisle: Doot do do, walking around the hospital for no apparent reason… Oh, it's raining men!

Bobby: Please… help… me…

Carlisle: No can do, binky boy. Unless…

Bobby: Unless… what?

Carlisle: No, I can't tell you.

Bobby: Please… I'm… dying here… literally… (OH THE BAD PUN!)

Carlisle: Well, I could bite you and make you suffer the fires of hell so you could become a vampire and live out the rest of eternity alone.

Bobby: Sound fine by me!

Carlisle: -chomp-

-End Flashback-

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Carlisle: And there you have it!

Bella: -twitch-

-Bobby comes out of, like, OMG! nowhere-

Bella: Oh god… I hope they don't find out I pushed him out the window… or that he raped me.

Edward: Talking out loud again, dearie.

Bella: Righto.

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Will they find out Bella pushed him out the window? Will they find out Bobby raped Bella? What the hell happened to the rest of the Cullens, where are they?

What about Jacob?

What about global warming?

What about, what about, what about the color shout?

For the answer to these and other thrilling questions, tune in next week.

A/N: -glows proudly- I think I just outdid myself.