Chapter 52
Oh my gosh..thank you for the reviews. I know I'm WAY behind on review/PM replies, but I know you guys like chapters and updates, so consider this a way of thank you? K, thanks :)
(PS-I will respond, don't worry. Just wanted to give you guys this little chapter first—I use the word 'little lightly, it's 9 pages hehehe)
Kate parked the large SUV and grabbed hold of the steering wheel, shaking it violently, taking her frustrations out on the inanimate object. Tears streaked her freckled cheeks and she rested her forehead on the cool leather of the steering wheel, sobs escaping her chapped lips. She'd been crying the whole hour drive out of the city, down a road yet familiar to her, barely making it to her car from office building before breaking down. Her mind told her she needed to calm down, that this kind of stress wasn't good for the baby, but every time she thought about their baby-her baby- the sobs started all over again.
Stumbling from the car slightly, she made her way to a specific spot, a spot she had only recently become to acknowledge. The grass was green, the sun setting slowly behind the trees, shadowing the memorial grave in soft pink and orange hues. She collapsed onto the soft ground, the head stone staring back at her. She wasn't ready to go home and face her babies and Claire yet, didn't know how she would tell them, or if she would, and she felt like someone needed to know just how upset she was, even if she couldn't tell him face to face. Bringing her head up from her hands, her eyes were red and swollen, and her head hurt from crying so hard, but she couldn't help it.
"I am so, so mad at you right now…" she whispered, staring at the engraved letters on the marble. "How did this happen? Why did you leave us? I can't do this without you, Jack. I could handle Aaron the first time, and maybe the two of them….I mean, I'm getting by with Claire and your mom, but now, with this? A third baby? Adam will be turning one two months before this one's due." Her words were harsh, and hushed, and she was sure that she would sound crazy if someone heard her talking to thin air, sobbing in the grass, staring at the marble headstone. But she didn't care, she couldn't. She had too much else to care about.
She took a deep shuddering breath and licked a few tears from her lips. "You know," she started, giving the stone a glare as if she was talking to his face, "if you were here, I'd be so happy about this. I know you would be too. And this time, I wouldn't have had to hide it from you, like I did before. I would be ecstatic." A few tears escaped her bloodshot green eyes and she squeezed them shut tightly. "I don't know how to handle this." Her hands again took her head into them and she leaned against the cold stone, somehow looking for comfort in something so brutal and hard. "Without you here with me, I don't know what to do. This hurts so bad, sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe." She took another shuddering breath, as if for example, and traced the letters of his name. "It's due April 7th, you know. Maybe this one will make it to its actual due date." The tears were slowing, and she felt like if she tried hard enough, and thought it hard enough, she could feel him. "I promise not to drive after 8 months," she kidded with the rock, finding herself releasing a small laugh at the thought of him preventing her from driving, after what happened last time. She shut her eyes at the thought of the birth, the pain still too raw, unable to think about him not being there. Her hand rested on her abdomen and she squeezed her stomach, wishing she could hold the small being close and nothing would happen to it.
When Kate finally arrived home, it was late in the evening. The house was quiet to Kate's surprise, and she immediately felt remorse at having left Claire all alone with the boys. Shutting the door softly, she found Claire at the kitchen table sipping a cup of tea and skimming a magazine. The sight was always strange to Kate, having Claire here instead of Jack, but she welcomed the company and the woman herself. She gave a small smile as she moved to pour herself a glass of water.
"Hi," She offered Claire, "Sorry I'm home so late. I ran a few errands after my appointment and stopped by the cemetery." Claire watched her, nodding.
"It's okay, I understand. Adam was easy, I put him down about two hours ago. Aaron," she sighed before she continued, "he wasn't as easy." Kate raised an eyebrow at this admission, now curious.
"What do you mean?" She walked toward Claire, pulling a chair out and sitting across from her.
"He fought me on everything: dinner, his pajamas, brushing his teeth-I had no idea what to do," she admitted and Kate could see the red rings around the younger woman's eyes, probably matching her own. She reached across the table and grasped her hand.
"It's going to take time, Claire. He doesn't know you're his mom and he doesn't understand. He's going to have good days and bad days. We have to remember he's dealing with the loss of Jack too. Even though he doesn't know where he is, he's still struggling. They were very close." Kate took a deep, stabilizing breath to keep her own tears at bay. "I appreciate you doing all you did today. Thank you."
Claire nodded. "It's just hard, you know," her voice cracked and Kate could see the struggle in her blue eyes. "He's my son and he doesn't even know who I am." Kate felt bad, felt like this situation was eating at the woman, and she knew how she felt. But there was no other way, Aaron wasn't just going to understand overnight that Kate wasn't really his mother, that Claire was, and then just let Claire take him away. He was already part of a family, and she didn't know how to make Claire understand that, so that the transition wouldn't be so painful.
"I know, Claire. I'm sorry. This whole thing hurts me too. We'll get through it though. We have to." She gave the woman a small smile, as much as she could muster, and then watched at Claire retracted her hand, standing, and making her way up the stairs. Kate watched, feeling horrible that she couldn't fix this situation, and was again overcome with grief and frustration. How was she going to do all this, especially now that she was pregnant? The stress was enough to kill her alone. Placing her head in her hands, she took long deep breaths, willing herself to stay calm and to take one moment at a time, since everything was unpredictable at this point. Her elbows on the table she propped her head on her fists, and closed her eyes. When she opened them a few moments later, a picture on the side table in the living room caught her eye. It was of her, Jack, and Adam the day they brought Adam home from the hospital. A surge of emotions passed through her veins and she stood, moving quickly to the picture and lying it down on its face. She couldn't bear the sight. Moving away, trying to control her emotions, she gave the large dog sitting calmly behind her a treat and then encouraged him up the stairs to her room. She allowed him to sleep with her for the comfort and the company. He was a well-behaved guard dog, always aware of noises and things out of the ordinary, and she appreciated that attentiveness with her two children in the house. Changing, she climbed into bed and begged for the ability to sleep. Brody curled up beside her on Jack's side of the bed, and she placed a hand on the furry body, his breathing relaxing her. He often didn't stay in the bed long, opting for the floor when he got too hot, but he would always start the night off beside her, giving her the comfort she needed to fall asleep. And she was grateful when sleep came quickly, her tumultuous day finally winning out.
Kate struggled with the nausea and Aaron a few weeks later, baffled with her son's sudden acting out and the onset of her morning sickness. She hadn't told anyone about the baby, still terrified and unsure of what to do, and knew she could hide it a few months more before she started to show. She didn't, however, know how to handle her son's sudden wild behavior.
"Aaron! You come here right now!" She exclaimed to the child who had just thrown Adam's toy across the kitchen, causing the smaller child to break out in sobs. Kate briefly wondered where Claire was as she lifted Adam to her hip and strode after Aaron, who stood with his back to her, his little arms crossed. "Aaron, what is the matter? Why did you do that?" Kate asked, turning the child to face her. He pulled his little body away from her though, shouting.
"I want Daddy!" Kate wasn't as taken aback by the tantrum today as she had been two weeks ago when this all began. Now she was just frustrated and sympathetic.
"Baby, please, come here and apologize to your little brother—"Kate tried patiently, but Aaron kicked another toy, and then stomped his foot.
"No! Daddy!" He screamed at her before running off to his room. Kate sighed, running a hand over her unruly curls before feeling the beginning of another nausea spell. Strapping a calm Adam back into his high chair, she sat down, resting her forehead on the cool wood of the table. Between the cartoons and Aaron acting out, she hadn't heard her front door open.
"Kate," Margo greeted, her voice immediately concerned. "Are you all right?" She moved quickly to the younger woman's side, noticing her pale and drawn skin. Kate raised her dull green eyes to meet Margo's and sighed, unsure of what her answer would be this time, as this was not the first time Margo had scolded her for not taking better care of herself in recent days. "If only she knew," Kate always thought. She nodded lightly.
"Hey Margo, yeah, I'm fine. Just upset with Aaron," she offered as the older woman handed Adam a piece of soft bread and sat down next to Kate, setting her designer purse on the table. She raised a hand to Kate's forehead, feeling for heat.
"Sweetie, you look terrible. Are you feeling okay?" Kate could feel her sympathetic eyes staring down at her and Kate felt ashamed she couldn't bring herself to say the words out loud. She continued to lie, though. She fought back an exhausted sob, and sighed heavily instead, worrying Margo even more. She moved some curls from Kate's face and surveyed the circles under her eyes and the freckles that stood out like pebbles on snow.
"Yeah, just tired. Aaron's been terrible lately, and he keeps asking for Jack and I just don't know what to do about it anymore." She fought tears and her watery eyes pleaded with Margo's darker ones. They had always reminded her of Jack's, now more than ever.
"Have you considered telling him the truth?" The older woman asked gently, taking in her daughter-in-law's internal struggle. Kate shook her head defiantly.
"No, I can't bring myself to. I think part of me still thinks he's going to come home from work one of these nights, and it'll all have been a bad dream," she admitted, looking down at her hands.
"Kate, honey, you can't live in that denial. You need to accept the truth and so does Aaron," Margo encouraged gently.
"I can't do this, Margo. I can't. I thought I could take care of Aaron, Adam, and Claire, but that's only under perfect circumstances. If anything, anything, goes wrong, everything falls apart. Claire is struggling with Aaron, Aaron's struggling with everything, and Adam's too young to understand—" a chewing noise caught her attention and her eyes flew to where Brody, in all his 8 month old glory, was chewing on another of Adam's stuffed animals. She stood angrily, spooking the puppy. "No, Brody! No! Bad dog!" She took the damaged toy away from the German Shepherd and opened the back door, shooing him out into the yard, where his ears stayed drooped from having been scolded roughly. "And that freaking dog isn't going to make it to see his first birthday if he doesn't stop eating everything in sight!" Kate exclaimed, slamming the toy on the table, scaring Adam, who again, began to cry. Margo watched the entire episode before standing, taking matters into her own, mature hands. She knew someone in this house needed to be the adult for a while and Kate clearly wasn't up to the challenge.
"Kate, I think you need to go upstairs and lie down for a while. You look exhausted, and I think your patience has worn thin. I will handle the children, the dog and Claire, you just go calm yourself down." The order was more of a lecture, and Kate wordlessly stood for a moment before Margo moved closer, coddling her grandson. Her eyes were softer now, but Kate could tell she meant business. "We'll talk about all this later, okay? I'll handle everything, just go rest." Kissing her daughter-in-law's forehead, she moved away to the living room, checking on the pouting dog outside, and the pouting child in his room. Kate listlessly made her way to her bedroom feeling slightly relieved and yet disconnected, craving nothing more than the feeling of her pillows under her head on her soft bed. She felt terrible for leaving Margo with everything, but knew the woman could handle it; she had for the days they were gone, so she figured a few hours while she napped couldn't be that big of a deal. Sliding down onto her bed, she fought another nauseous feeling as it came over her and she talked herself out of throwing up. She knew her appearance and her body were suffering from the beginnings of pregnancy, but she could see where Margo simply assumed they were stress related. They felt stress related, she just didn't know which stress she blamed for them.
Kate sipped her wine, eager for the comfortable silence that splayed between them. They were quiet for a while before she spoke again.
"I'm really glad you came by," she said the words, barely above a whisper, and when Jack turned to respond, her face held a serious expression. Her eyes held an unreadable emotion and he furrowed his brow a little, wondering if she was asking him to leave.
"I am too." He didn't move, unsure of what his next move needed to be. As far as he was concerned the ball was in her court, and in her mind, the ball was in his. This game was no different than the one they played thousands of miles away, every day, neither of them saying exactly what they meant, always waiting for the other to go first. But the longer he watched her face, the shorter his resolve stayed with him. "Kate..." he began slowly, setting his wine down on the side table next to the couch. A fleeting moment of panic jumped her stomach, and she prayed he wasn't leaving.
"Yeah?" Came out a nervous response. She dropped her arm down, and watched him turn to face her.
"I'm going to kiss you," he began, his voice very soft, leaning toward her, searching her eyes, brushing her curls behind her ear, "but I won't if you don't want me to." Her heart leapt, her stomach flipped and she couldn't stop the building of excitement bubbles in her abdomen. His face was questioning, as he waited patiently for an answer, knowing he owed her that much.
"I want you to..." before her whisper could die on her lips, his warm lips covered hers, and she could honestly say she was surprised by how soft and inviting they were. It was a slow kiss, nothing too deep, or passionate. It was as if he were getting to know her through her lips, feeling out what she was willing to give, how she felt. All she could feel was her heart beating in her ears because it was racing so much, his lips on hers, breathing life into her soul, and the beginning of a familiar ache she hadn't felt in over two years. Except when she thought of him.
When he pulled back, she waited a beat before she opened her eyes, trying to memorize the feeling of his kiss, in case it never happened again. It was hard to tell with him sometimes, whether it would. When she did open them however, she changed her mind, this time she initiated the kiss. He seemed a little surprised by her sudden action. This kiss was a little deeper than the first and she moved her hands to his thighs, as if bracing her self. Their bodies were still not close, each leaning in, but the feeling of her hands on his jean-clad thighs drove his mind crazy with thoughts of her. The kiss ended slowly as she withdrew and she bit her lip a little in what seemed like embarrassment. "I'm sorry..." she began, shaking her head with a smile. He searched her face, his brow furrowed.
"Why?"
"For kissing you like that." She tilted her head to the side, and looked down at her hands, now back in her lap.
"Would you stop apologizing?" he answered playfully, running a hand under her ear, pulling her gaze up to meet his. "I've been dying to kiss you like that." he paused, "Like this..." he again pulled her face to his, and this time it was explosive, as if they had been holding back the last two times. She felt herself moving to her knees, never breaking the kiss, and moving closer to him, knowing he wouldn't make the move himself, as he was waiting for her. Her arms found their way around his neck, and she played with the short hairs on the back of his neck while they kissed. His arms wrapped around her slim waist, pulling her closer, his need and want for her growing. He slid his leg out against the back of the couch and settled back against the armrest, her small body resting on top of him, in a position he'd only dreamed of feeling. She could feel her chest pressed against his, and felt her passion grow more with the feeling of his heart beating as fast at hers. She finally ended the kiss, again with the biting of her lip, the way that made him wish she was biting his lip. She giggled, and he rested his arms gently across the small of back, one hand unconsciously sliding over the skin that was exposed between her jeans and baby tee.
It was hours later when Kate awoke, her hand sliding over her lips. She could feel his upon hers, had so many times before, and thought when she opened her eyes that he would be before her, smiling down at her. She was disappointed; however, in devastating ways when she did open them, and all her eyes could focus on was the darkness of her bedroom. It had been light out when she had climbed into bed and she was surprised at how dark is had gotten. Sitting up, she turned on the light next to her bed and listened for any sound. It was quiet, but she thought she heard the television on downstairs. Resting her head back against the wooden headboard, she took a moment to assess how her body felt after her apparently long nap. She decided she felt better, not quite as tired and she actually had a bit of an appetite. Catching the clock, she was surprised to find she had slept for over six hours, and realized how much she had probably missed of the day, and how much of a failure of a parent she felt like. Sliding her legs over the edge of the bed, she stood carefully and quietly, walking slowly out of her bedroom and into the hall. Checking Adam, he was asleep soundly. She knew Aaron would be too, as it was after his bedtime, and Kate made her way down the stairs, thankful for that. She wasn't ready to deal with anymore of his dramatics tonight. Margo was on the couch, catching up on the local news when she heard Kate approaching and turned, flashing the younger woman a small smile.
"When I told you to take a nap, I didn't expect you to sleep all day," she laughed lightly, taking in Kate's rested appearance. She flushed at the comment, and Margo was glad to see some color had returned to her cheeks. "How do you feel?"
"Better, thank you." She took a tentative seat next to Margo, and looked around the house, still surprised Claire wasn't around. "Have you seen Claire?"
"Yes. She was down here with me for a while. We cooked the kids dinner and spent some time talking before I sent her on her way. I think she's probably asleep now too." Margo concluded, and Kate found herself wishing for Margo's strength once more.
"How is she?" Kate pondered. She hadn't seen her since breakfast. Margo shrugged.
"She's okay, I'd say. Definitely not great, and not dealing with this situation well. She's resentful. Not so much of you or Aaron, just the situation in general. She regrets a lot."
Margo's words touched Kate and she contemplated these things. "I feel terrible about it, actually. I'm so torn on how I feel. Some days I want her to want to let me keep him, other days I wish I could just tell him and he would just accept her and it would all be over. But neither of those are realistic. And it hurts." Kate pulled her loose curls up and onto her head, tying them up with a hair elastic.
"Of course it does. None of this is easy, or ever going to be. I understand your emotions. What I don't understand is why you're not taking care of yourself anymore. I know we just had this conversation last week, but I haven't seen an improvement, Kate. How are you supposed to parent these children when you can't even take care of yourself?" Her words were accusatory and Kate immediately felt the prickle of tears. She felt like a little kid as she rubbed her eye with the heel of her hand. She knew the question was rhetorical so she let it pass for a moment before Margo continued. "You owe it to Jack to raise these children well. He would struggle if roles were reversed, we both know that, but he would try his hardest. And I know you're trying, sweetie, but something is holding you back. Either you don't have enough strength because you're not sleeping and eating, because trust me, I have noticed these things, or you're going through something you refuse to talk about. So which is it?" Margo was turned fully toward the younger woman now and Kate could feel her resolve crumbling. She stared at her hands for a few moments, before speaking quietly.
"You're right, Margo. I haven't been eating well or sleeping well lately. I'll be better. They deserve better." She knew those words were true, but she was lying. Her stomach felt nauseous again as she peered up at the older woman's dark eyes. They searched her green ones, and she could tell Margo didn't believe her. But to her relief, and Margo's credit, despite her raised eyebrow, she nodded.
"All right, Kate. I'm here to help you, but please, try to call me next time, before I find you wallowing in sorrow at the kitchen table. I will cook for you, or watch the kids, whatever you need. Maybe you and Claire should get out, go to lunch maybe. Just the two of you. Maybe you could work through some of your issues." Margo offered the idea, and Kate shrugged, seeming to contemplate the idea. Margo knew there was more to the brunette in front of her than she was choosing to reveal at this moment, but she also knew, whatever it was, would just come out with time. Kate was strong, but she knew she'd break eventually. All Margo wanted was for her to let someone, anyone, in and to let someone else carry the load for a while.
"Yeah, maybe. She's a hard one. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me a bout anything." Kate curled her knees up to her body, knowing soon she would be unable to do such a position.
"Well, encourage her. I did tonight. And she talked through some things with me. This is never going to be easy for either of you, or Aaron. Speaking of which," Margo lowered her voice, peering toward Aaron's room, "you need to talk to him about Jack. He's pushing you away because he doesn't understand what happened to his father and why he's not here. And he's smart enough to know he's not on a business trip. He's going to think Jack abandoned him if you don't tell him the truth."
"You think it's better to tell him he's dead?" Kate asked incredulously, her face streaked with horror. Margo knew some of the horror was because of Aaron, but most of it was because Kate truly hadn't accepted the fact herself.
"Yeah, I do. I also think you might want to talk to someone. I don't know that you've completely accepted his death either." Margo spoke the words gently, placing a hand on Kate's knee, and felt bad as she watched Kate's face turn to betrayal.
"I have too accepted it. Weren't you there beside me when we put that memorial stone in the ground?" Her words were bitter and Margo wanted to take back her own words, but she knew they needed to be said.
"I was, dear, and you were a different person then. You had accepted it, or so it had seemed, and you were being strong for the kids. A few weeks ago, you changed. I'm not sure why you've suddenly gone back to not accepting what happened, but you need to find your way back to being strong again. They feed off you, Kate-Claire, Adam, and Aaron. If you're not strong, they're not going to be. Someone has to guide them. And that was you until recently. You need to come back from whatever isolation you put your feelings and emotions into and move on from them. This is the second time I've mourned my son, Kate. I have a feeling this time it's permanent so we all need to grieve and move on. Do you understand me? And that includes allowing Aaron to, as well." Kate could feel tears as she nodded, understanding what the older woman meant, and also knowing what she said was true. But if she knew the real reason Kate was struggling, maybe she would be more accepting, Kate thought to herself. However, she had to remember it was her fault Margo didn't know. She just didn't feel like talking about it. Was that so wrong?
"I'll talk to Aaron," Kate resolved, her eyes watering. Margo wrapped an arm around her shoulders and snuggled her close.
"It'll all be okay, sweetie. You'll get through this and everything will be fine. It's just a process." She kissed Kate's forehead and held her for a moment, and Kate felt like the embrace was the first time she'd shared one with someone in weeks. At least one that was comforting. Kate wondered what Aaron's reaction would be when told about Jack. She decided to read up on the subject before she proceeded. Maybe a book could help her.
Margo released Kate after several moments, and Kate was surprised when she ached for the embrace to continue. She kissed the younger woman's forehead again, and stood.
"All right, dear, I'm going to head home. Call me in the morning." She picked up her purse as Kate followed her to the door. "And call me if you need anything at all. Okay?" Kate nodded and Margo hugged her one last time. "I love you, sweet girl. Hang in there. This too shall pass." Kate again felt the warm tears, and as Margo left, allowed herself to slide down the closed front door, to the floor, her body racked with silent sobs. She was so surprised sometimes by the amount of love and forgiveness that her husband's mother showed her. Kate knew they bonded for life by the life of their grandson, and Kate was thankful for that fact. Margo would always be there for her, she was sure of that. And she appreciated it, because if there was one thing Kate was unsure of how to do at this moment, it was being there for herself.
All right, so I'm really in need of you thoughts after this chapter. And I'll give some lead-ins to the next chapter…which I don't do often. Also, I posted a sneak peak on my Tumblr for this chapter, and will probably do so for the next. The link is in my profile. Check it out, and if you're on Tumblr, if you follow me, I'll follow back :)
Next chapter…a much anticipated moment between Kate and Aaron…which leads to an interesting twist with Claire, and some Kate and Suliet.
Hope you liked this chapter. Reviews are ALWAYS appreciated, and I'm sorry I suck at responding. But I appreciate each and every one. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
