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Chapter 46: Catherine

Sara's sleeping next to me. I'm watching her closely. She's so close to me right now and yet so far.

We had a fight earlier about yesterday. She didn't come home and since I couldn't reach her I'd started to fear the worst. I don't think she truly realizes what she means to me, how important she is.

Yesterday I was hysterical, totally blinded by fear. I couldn't think about a rational explanation as to why she wouldn't answer her phone or where she could be.

I used to be strong and rational when it came to relationships. I used to have control over them. But I don't anymore. Before, I could take any blows, bite back the pain, put back together my bruised ego and move on. With Sara it has all changed. I went weak, even if most of the time I don't show it, she makes me weak.

She makes me weak because I love her. And I can't bear the mere idea of my life without her now. Like right now just thinking about it makes me cry.

It's a scary thing to know that I'm devoted body, heart and soul to someone who ultimately is a complete stranger to me.

I get closer to her and hang on her tight. That way I can feel grounded, that way I feel safe, that way I can pretend that the huge gap between us is just an illusion.

xxxxx

"You're worrying me."

"I'm fine Nance." I answer flatly.

"No you're not. First you're silent and then you have the look."

"What do you mean, the look?"

"The one saying you're lost and broken hearted." She pauses. "Sara didn't break your heart did she?"

"No, she didn't. But lately she… how can I put this…" I look up to the ceiling and sigh. "Lately she's giving it a hard time… not consciously but she does."

Nancy frowns "How?"

"She puts me on a roller coaster. We… Lately our lovemaking has been fantastic, not that it wasn't before but for those last two weeks when she touched me it was…"

"Wow, time out ok!" Nancy cuts me making a T with her hands. "I'm willing to listen to you but I have to face the both of you after that so please keep it light with the details."

"I wasn't going to give you details you pervert!" I snort. "If you'd let me finish you would have heard me say that lately when she touched me or when she made love to me she actually brought me to a level of intimacy that I ignored so far. I can't explain but it is amazing."

"From my point of view it is a rather good thing." Nancy replies.

"It is, really I'm not complaining about that, far away from it. It's just that… We get so close from one another and then she gets distant. And it's not a gap that settles between us, it's a freaking galaxy! She retreats into herself, she barely speaks to me, she tenses whenever she feels I'm near, she spends hours zoning out in silence. Then when I try to talk to her we're always on the edge of arguing." I collect my thoughts a bit before going on "She has nightmares when I try to calm her down she's rejecting me and walks away from me. When she doesn't have nightmares, she has an agitated sleep or doesn't sleep at all and when I ask her if everything is ok she says that everything is fine but the truth is that it's not." I say barely taking time to breathe.

"Play with her hair." Nancy says suddenly. I look at her with puzzled, I wonder if she has listened to me at all. "When she has an agitated sleep." She adds. "Play with her hair and if it's not enough sing her a song."

I look at her dumbfound. I can't believe what I'm hearing. "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm lost, I feel like I don't know my lover. No actually most of the time she's a stranger to me. Here I come telling you about it and you actually know her better than I do. Something is wrong with this picture!" I nearly shout. I start to pace frantically.

"Calm down Cath." She says to me gently.

"No, how come you know this kind of stuff and I don't anyway?!" I stop dead on my track when something hits me. "She has already talked to you." I state with disdain.

"No she hasn't. Lately we've been talking about myself and cars. Then wake up Cath, her and I have slept together almost every night for five months so yes I know this kind of stuff. Because she had an agitated sleep then." Nancy states calmly.

I let myself fall in my chair again. My head is spinning a little. "You slept together every night for five months? I didn't know that." I say with a hollow voice.

"I told you, her and I were sleeping on my couch."

"True. I just didn't know it was such a regular thing." I pause. "When did it start?" I ask curious and at the same time hurt.

"The first time was at your house during Linds' runaway." Yeah I remember that day. Sara had left me though she had promised she wouldn't and I found her on the couch sleeping with my sister. To this day I still don't know how they ended up sleeping together in the first place.

"Do you still sleep together?"

"Of course not! We decided to stop ever since the two of you got together. I'm a bit offended you'd even ask."

"Did you kissed her? Did you two ever had sex together?" I ask angrily.

"What?" Nancy exclaims. "Oh come on Cath! What's wrong with you?!"

"You're avoiding my questions. Well did you?!"

"No! We never kissed and we never had sex together! What does that have to do with the matter at hand anyway?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong, where I'm mistaking. I mean even you are closer to her than I am!"

"Cath, we were sleeping on my couch not on a king sized bed, so if she had an agitated sleep I couldn't ignore it. I had to find a way to soothe her if I wanted the both of us to have rest. That's it, that's how I found out the hair trick. There's nothing more behind this." She sighs "I told you that just to help you. It wasn't a way to tell you that I know her better than you do because honestly? I don't think I do, ok?"

I compose myself again. See what I meant about being hysterical?

"I know I'm sorry it's just that…" I start and trail off. There's such a mess in my head right now. "Once she told me that the only reason she kept a wall between us was because I knew how to put her on her knees in less than ten words. Even now that we're lovers I feel like she has kept this wall up between us. That she doesn't totally trust me. And what hurts me right now is the fact that I don't know if she ever will." I say before starting to cry.

"Come here." Nancy says taking me into her arms and comforting me.

xxxxx

I'm reading a book, lying on my couch when I hear the door being open. Today it was Sara's turn to get Lindsey from school. We arrange ourselves so that we have our days to get her. It was an idea of Sara first because she wanted me to get some rest and then Lindsey picked her days she wanted me or Sara.

"We're home!" Sara announces between giggles.

"Hi mom!" Lindsey says before jumping on me to have a hug. Sometime I wonder where she finds so much energy.

"Hi baby." I give her a big hug and start to tickle her. I wait for her to turn as red as a tomato from all her laughing before letting her go. She runs to her room.

Suddenly a rose appears in front of me. "Hello." I hear Sara's sultry voice behind me. I take the rose and I receive a kiss on the hollow of my neck.

"Thanks" I say before turning my head and capturing her lips.

But what was supposed to be a gentle light kiss turns rapidly into a deep, passionate and lust-filled kiss. Sara straddle the couch to get herself on top of me. Then in the back of my head I register the sound of someone coughing. It's when the coughing becomes louder that I understand what it is. Sara and I break apart with raging breath. Even after all this time together she manages to makes the world fade away when we kiss. We turn our attention to the source of the unwelcome noise.

Lindsey is standing there above us trying to keep a serious face but she just can't hide her grin. "I'm sorry to interrupt you but… Sara, I need your help for my homework." She starts to leave but turns around again. "I give you five more minutes but then… WORK." She says mimicking me, moving her finger with authority and keeping her other hand on her hip.

Sara and I look at each other, we're on the same wavelength: she has to pay for this one. We get up from the couch and start to subtly surrounding Lindsey.

"Honey did you hear that?" Sara says pensively.

"Yeah." I play along. "Listen it's starting again."

"I don't hear anything." Lindsey says puzzled.

"How strange…Cath it sounds like it was…"

"I think it is." I say getting closer from Lindsey who is unaware of what's happening.

"What? What is it?" She asks eagerly.

Sara agitates her fingers in front of Lindsey who now understands what' we're talking about. "Oh no, no way, stay away from me." She starts to walk backwards but bumps into me and I start to tickle her before Sara joins me. Lindsey make a squeaking sounds. "That's unfair…" She manages to say.

Sara and I put her on the couch so that now I'm tickling her hips while Sara takes care of her feet.

Five minutes later we decide to end Lindsey's misery. Sara and her go working in her bedroom while I go into mine. My breath gets stuck in my throat when I see a huge bouquet of red roses on the bed.

I can't wait to have a moment alone with Sara.

xxxxx

I wake up alone in bed. I get out of the room in search of Sara. I find her sitting on the kitchen window ledge in the kitchen, her favorite spot.

"I didn't wake you did I?" She asks me without facing me.

Her sixth sense won't ever cease to amaze me, although sometimes I find it terrifying.

"Your absence did." I answer. I go to her and caress her hair. She leans into my touch resting her head against my stomach and sighs. "Something's wrong?" I ask.

"Nah, I just couldn't sleep." She dismisses me once.

"What's on your mind?" I try again.

"A lot of stuff. Cases, memories, thoughts… Nothing interesting."

"Tell me?"

She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't want to bother you with this."

I get away from her. Once again she has rejecting me and once again I'm pissed at her for doing so. I ponder going back to bed but I know that I won't get back to sleep seeing how upset I am right now. On the other hand I know that as far as Sara is concerned the conversation is over. I sigh loudly.

"Cath?"

"I… I just don't understand why you can't talk to me." I tell her.

"What do you mean?" Her tone is genuine.

I think that it's probably what upsets me the most. The fact that she doesn't actually see the problem.

"This, you always reject me whenever I want you to talk to me!" I say exasperated.

"I'm not rejecting you it's just that what I think is not that interesting." She shrugs.

"I don't mind if it's interesting or not, I want you to talk to me."

"About what?"

"Whatever's in your mind!"

"Fine." She complies.

"What's in you mind lately?"

"Nothing special." She shrugs again.

I should have known that it couldn't be that easy. Now I'm fuming. Her evasive answers are even worse than her silences. "You got to be kidding me!" I say with an angry tone.

"Cath, there's nothing special…" She starts again but I cut her.

"Yeah sure, so you're having sleepless nights thinking about nothing special." I snap.

"What do you want from me Cath?" She asks confused.

"I want you to talk to me goddamn it!!" I shout.

"Why is it so important?"

"Don't you get it? It's important because I want to know you. I need to know you." All my confused thoughts start to pour from me now. "You're here in your world where I don't fit! I just want to know you is that too much to ask?" She doesn't say anything, just standing there in front of me. "I…You…Most of the time you're so distant… Most of the time you're a stranger to me Sara!… I can't just… I don't want to be just a warm body in your bed, can you understand that?!!"

"You know that's not what you are Cath!" She says hurt.

"Well that's the feeling I get!" I'm panting because I'm on the verge of tears. "I want to have real part in your life Sara. All I'm asking is for you to trust me!"

"I trust you!"

"Then talk to me! You swore you would try to talk to me but you're not trying very hard if you're trying at all!" I take a deep breath to calm myself. "One thing Sara." I continue with a soft voice now. "One single and simple thing Sara, that's all I'm asking you. One simple goddamned thing."

Silence suddenly surrounds us. She seems to be thinking about what I just said. And I have this desperate feeling of drowning into the quicksand of panic.

"I…" She starts then sighs. She comes to me and tries to hug me but I push her touch away.

"Don't!… You always do that!" I tell her vehemently. Now she looks lost, hurt and confused. "Every time we have a fight, or every time I tell you we have a problem, you just hug me and say that you're sorry. But in the end nothing changes! I don't want that anymore. I don't want you to hug me Sara, I need you to talk to me! How hard is it to understand?!"

I'm pissed off beyond belief. I'm tired of always have the bad part in our relationship. I'm tired of always be the one to be mature and face the problem. I'm tired to feel like I was the only one involved in this relationship.

But right now what pisses me off more than anything is her silence. I want to shake her senseless!! Before I get to do anything her cell rings.

"Sidle…Grissom…No…Grissom…Grissom…It's my day off call Sofia!…No…" She marks a pause and I can actually hear Grissom shouting over the phone which is making Sara angrier. She sighs loudly. "Fine! Give me 30 minutes…Grissom that's the best I can do ok!!" She shouts back before hanging up on him.

She turns to me "I have to go to work." She says uselessly.

"Yeah I think I figured that out." I reply still mad at her. "How convenient, you get to take the easy way out yet again."

She gives me a look that says 'it's uncalled for' and then just head to the bathroom.

I wait in the living room for her to finish. When she's ready I stand by the door, and watch her silently. She come to me with a soft expression on her face.

"I have to go but we'll talk later."

I snort. She always says that and we never talk, we play 'cat and mouse'. She spends hours to avoid the issues while I waste my time trying to make her facing it. "Yeah right." I answer defectively. I can't help it, the pill won't pass this time.

She looks hurt and sad but I refuse to give in. She bends toward me to kiss me but I just turn my head and avoid her lips. She freezes on her motion. When I look at her I know she's about to cry but I stand my ground.

There's this unspoken rule between us, when work interrupt our argument we don't leave each other without a kiss. It's our way to say that in spite of everything we love each other and that we'll find a way to sort things out. But mostly it's because we don't have a safe line of work and if something was to happen then at least the last memory of her I would have is that she loves me.

Today I broke that rule. I'm way too mad at her and honestly I'm tired to entertain the illusion that everything is all right. Now I'm at the point where even I doubt that we'll sort things out later.

Hell, she doesn't do fair play so why should I? I won't sugarcoat the pill today. She won't get the easy way, period.

"Ok…Well I'll see you later." She mumbles before rushing to get outside.

"Be careful." I whisper before she crosses the door.

"Yeah." She says with a strangled voice before leaving the house.