Chapter 44 – Every Morning
Two more days in the hospital. It was Saturday and according to the doctor, I had today and tomorrow and would more than likely be released Monday morning. That phrase kept reverberating through my head as I listened to my parents discussing my discharge with my physician. According to him, I was well enough to go home. My kidney functions had returned to baseline normal after the ant toxins were finally flushed out of my system. My blood counts were all normal and there didn't seem to be any lingering problems from anything that had happened to me.
At least there was nothing wrong that a blood test or an x-ray could see. Everything that was wrong with me was something no one could see and I was doing my best to keep it inside, hidden from everyone's view. Anna suspected something was up, but she knew better than to confront me in front of a room full of people. My mother either didn't catch on or was oblivious to the fact but my father knew something was wrong but he, like Anna, didn't question me.
The emotional damage was far more prominent and kept showing its ugly head whenever it got a chance. Everything seemed to set me off or remind me of that damned coffin. The sunlight coming through the curtains in my hospital room. The sound of the air conditioning clicking on and off. The dead silence in the room late at night when I couldn't sleep. No matter what I did or didn't do, nothing helped. Whenever something innocent like my IV line brushed across my arms, I felt those ants crawling over me. I couldn't sleep with the hospital sheet or blanket over my arms for the same reason. Everything was haunting me.
As the day wore on, my room was filled with visitors coming and going. My parents were a constant in my room and the rotating visitors from work, LVPD and even some of Anna's co-workers stopped by for a bit. It was taxing on me to see their faces and the sympathetic glances they threw at each other when they thought I wasn't looking. Members of my team were still for the most part uncomfortable in my presence. Grissom seemed to have relaxed somewhat but both Catherine and especially Warrick were still on edge with me. Greg could always be counted on to help ease the tension by doing something or saying something stupid or showing me a funny YouTube clip he found to ease the tension. Sara mostly kept to herself, but did offer to bring me some magazine articles or journal entries she found that she thought I might find interesting.
Finally, my room started to clear out as nightfall came and I said goodbye to my parents who promised they'd send Anna back for a visit after she woke up from her nap at the hotel. Her back had been bothering her and after discussing it with one of Dr. Lindley's nurses, she suggested to Anna that she take some pediatric Tylenol and go lie down for a bit. The hotel room Sam had gotten for Anna had a whirlpool tub in it and my parents had said she had been spending a lot of time in it to relieve the back pains she had been having from the pregnancy.
Grissom and I had a nice, long talk yesterday after Anna and my parents had left. I knew I was in no position to go back to work any time in the near future, but he felt a need to remind me that after any on the job incident, the people involved were required to go through five mandatory counseling sessions with a licensed head doctor. Grissom gave me the packet of information I needed to have my shrink sign off on when I was finished with my five sessions and after that, he and Ecklie would meet with me to discuss my duties. Right before he left, he handed me a small box and told me to open it when I got a few extra moments to fully take in and understand what was in the package. When the night nurse came in for a fresh set of vitals, she set the box aside and I quickly forgot about it when I started to get drowsy.
My dreams were the same, only tonight, they were less vivid. Sleep was challenging to say the least, which left me plenty of empty time to think. Jillian had bought a picture frame and had put one of Anna's 4D ultrasound photos in it and had left the frame on my bedside table. It was my favorite one out of the set we had. Thing's hands were across his face, but his fingers were spread apart so I could see one of his eyes. He was playing with us, showing us that until he was born, we wouldn't know the gender for sure. Kristy had told me the baby was going to be a girl, but Dr. Lindley was sure it was a boy. I continued to call it a boy most of the time, but Anna was steadfastly holding on to what Kristy had told me when I was unconscious.
Holding the picture frame in my hand, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. It was because of my job – this damn job – that I was in this hospital. In the sleepless nights, I was debating whether or not I even wanted to go back. Nothing would please my parents more if I told them I was uprooting my life here to move back to Dallas or anywhere in Texas for that matter, but I didn't have the heart to tell Anna. Her life was here. Her job was here. Her friends and the only family besides me that she gave a damn about were here in Vegas and I didn't know if I could even ask her to give it up.
I let the picture slide out of my hands and land on my stomach as I leaned back against the hospital bed mattress and adjusted the bed to where I was lying down, rather than being propped up. I remembered how working for the Vegas Crime Lab for me was always a dream of mine. I applied on a whim and didn't think I'd ever hear back from them but to my surprise, I heard from Brass almost a day later asking if I could fly to Las Vegas for an interview. I didn't tell my parents about my job opportunity and instead lied to them and said I was going to Oklahoma for the weekend to see a college buddy of mine who had gotten divorced recently. After I got the job, I had to break the news to my parents that I was leaving Dallas and to this day, I have yet to forget the look of disappointment on my father's face as I told him I was leaving. Like my sisters and brother, I was expected to stay in Dallas and raise a family and still come home for Sunday supper while the grandkids played outside.
Now, all these years later, I was debating on whether or not I even wanted to stay here in Vegas. It had been one nightmare after another. Amy Hendler. Nigel Crane. Walter Gordon. Now that Anna was pregnant, the faces of the children over the years we couldn't save haunted me. The little girl that drowned at the carnival ride. The teenagers who died after their car flipped. The teenage suicide gun shot victim and the look his mother had when she was recounting the events after she found him. The list of nightmarish perpetrators kept growing.
My parents never brought it up while I was here, but I couldn't help but pick up on the vibe that they were still bitter about the way I left Dallas. More than once, I caught my dad studying me without saying a word, but his thoughts were screaming loud and clear, "If only you would have stayed in Dallas, son. None of this would have happened. You put your mother and me, not to mention your wife, through hell. If you would have just stayed in Dallas…"
I didn't want to get in to it with my parents, especially my father, so I let it slide. I put Thing's picture back on the bedside table and pulled the blanket up over my head and tried to sleep, knowing I had some very tough decisions in my future.
The next day right after breakfast was served, Anna was in her customary seat of the folding couch and was watching me try to slice through bacon with a Spork. She wasn't saying much and neither was I, but the TV was on in the background at least providing a reprieve from the silence in the room. While she had her head down, I stole a sideways glance at her. She was texting someone, Bryan probably, and wasn't paying any attention to me. She finally put her phone down on the armrest of the couch and rolled over as much as she could to face me, "Feeling better?"
Anna shrugged her shoulders, "A little I think. My back doesn't hurt as bad as it did yesterday, but I'm still uncomfortable."
I busied myself cutting the last strip of bacon into tiny pieces before I finally took the plunge, "What would you say if I told you I was thinking on quitting CSI?"
Anna didn't respond right away, and instead, busied herself in shredding the cornbread muffin I had just given her. When it was properly shredded and she had a fair amount of crumbs on her shirt, she sighed, "I'd think I'd support you no matter what your decision was and you know that. I told you I'd follow you anywhere when I married you and I meant it. I'd think no one would blame you if you left, but I'd also think you wouldn't be happy unless you were working at the lab with everyone."
She had a point. I would miss it. I closed my eyes and dropped my spork to the bedside table and sighed to myself. My parents would be overjoyed if I quit CSI and moved to Dallas, but I had a life here. Anna and I both had a life here, but I found myself questioning myself over and over again if it was the life I truly wanted. I gave up on the bacon's destruction and shoved the bedside table to the edge of my bed and reached over and pulled the edge of the couch to bring Anna closer to me. She held out her hand and I took it in mine, kissing the back of hers, "It's just all this." I shook my head, "I don't know if this is what I want anymore." When I looked up, I realized Anna must have thought I didn't want her anymore. I helped her in bed with me and handed her one of my blankets and covered her up, "I meant I don't know if I want to stay here anymore, not that I don't want you." I managed to get my arms around Anna's shoulders and held her to me, "I'll always want you and Thing."
"Leah."
I smiled, "Whatever."
"What brought the thoughts about leaving CSI on? Did your parents say something to you?"
"No." I shook my head, "It's just that everything that's happened here has gotten me to thinking maybe I need a change, but I know what I'd be asking of you. Your job is here. Your life is here."
I felt Anna shake her head against my chest as she held on to me, "My life is with you, Nicky. If you want to leave, then we'll pack up the horses, dogs and cat and move to Texas. I'm sure I could get a job with the Dallas Fire Department if I wanted. Fire departments are quick to hire paramedics with my experience."
"It'd be asking a lot of you though."
Again, Anna didn't respond right away. I felt her shift next to me and when I inched over in the bed to give her more room, she stopped me, "I know everything you've been through. I've been through a lot of it with you. It wouldn't be asking anything of me." She managed to sit up just a little bit to kiss me, "I told you, my life is with you, wherever that is. If you want to leave Vegas, then we'll leave Vegas."
Anna was not making this easy on me. I half expected her to dig her heels in and tell me not just no, but hell no, and here she was giving me free reign to uproot our lives and move to somewhere else. This was not going to be easy.
I changed the subject to something more palatable and we passed most of the rest of the afternoon bantering back and forth about baby names, but we didn't have any luck. We were in agreement about a boy's name being Nick Junior, but a girl's name was something we'd likely need mediators and a court of law to settle. Anna was hell bent and determined to name the baby Leah if she was a girl and had been calling it Leah since she found out she was pregnant, but I still wasn't sold on the name. I tried suggesting other names, but she kept holding on to Leah. If Kristy was right, we'd get a sign on our baby's name and I could only hope that the sign didn't point to Leah.
Dinner came and went and as custom, I tossed my cornbread muffin to Anna. My parents had left the hospital and had come back with Subway for her and for them while I was stuck eating watered down vegetables and something identified by the menu as Salisbury steak. Hospital food was something I was looking forward to avoiding when I finally left here.
Nightfall came and of course, the nightmares came with it. I shifted uncomfortably in bed and kept dozing off in short bursts of sleep. Half an hour here. Ten minutes there. Finally, I sighed in exasperation as I glanced over at Anna who was on her side, watching me sleep like an eggbeater, "Can you talk to me?"
She got in bed and looked a bit confused but said she would, "Anything in particular?"
"Not really, no. I just want to see it it'll help with the nightmares. Maybe if you talk to me until I fall asleep I won't..."
Anna moved the pillow down between her back and the bed rail to my hospital bed, "Dr. Lindley said bed rest but she didn't say what bed."
I sighed deeply when she put her head on my chest. To make myself more comfortable, I draped my arm across her waist as she traced imaginary patterns on my chest with her fingernails, "So what should I say?"
"I don't know. Can you do it in French?"
"Of course I can." With that, Anna told me to shut my eyes and she began to softly speak in French at a level only I could hear.
I let her go on for a few minutes until I interrupted her. I had been catching words here and there, but for the most part when she rambled on in French, I didn't have a clue what she was saying, "What are you saying?"
"The safety poster on the wall over there. I'm translating it." She smiled and told me to close my eyes again, "It's soothing no matter what I say."
The next morning I was awakened by a nurse coming in to get a set of vitals. It struck me that it was not only later than I thought but I also slept through the night, uninterrupted by the ants or nightmares. It worked. Anna talking to me before bed worked. At some point in time, she left the room and I didn't even wake up. Finally. I was able to sleep through the night.
Even better, the nurse that came in for vitals said that after the doctors made their rounds, I'd be discharged home.
The breakfast trays were brought around and the nurse from earlier stuck his head in the door and said that the doctors were on their way to my room for rounds in the next hour or so. I sent Anna a quick text and told her as much and told her to make sure my parents were here. I knew they'd want to be a part. Anna sent one back and said Jillian was taking her to an ultrasound appointment but she'd be up to my room as soon as they were done.
"Discharge day!" The discharge nurse entered my room pushing a wheelchair with an orderly behind her, pushing another, "One is for you, one is for your wife. Any idea where she went?"
"Yeah, her doc had her upstairs for one more ultrasound before we left. She should be down any minute."
My mother was gathering up the bag with my clothes and books in it while I started to sweep all the get well cards into a pile and shoved them down into the bag Anna was using. I really didn't want to toss them out, but I also didn't want to keep them. When I turned to toss the bag on the bed, I saw the small present Grissom had left in my room the other day. I didn't have time to open it now and tossed it on the bed and asked my mother to put it in the bag she had.
Ten minutes later, Dr. Lindley was pushing Anna into my room, "I'll tell you like I told your wife, continued bed rest. I want her on complete bed rest when you get home. The only activity I want her doing is getting up to go to the bathroom and taking a bath and that's it. No work. No exertion. Got it?"
Anna looked worried as she agreed to Dr. Lindley's conditions, "Fine. I promise, I'll be on bed rest."
"Good." She handed Anna an appointment card and the orderly started to push her wheelchair out of my hospital room.
"Sit, Mr. Stokes."
The nurse was blocking my way out of my hospital room, "I can walk."
She smiled, "Hospital policy. Now sit."
I sighed and sat down and reached out for Anna's hand until the orderly pushing her chair broke our grip.
We rode down to the ground floor in silence, my mother carrying Anna's bag and my father carrying mine. Jillian had taken my parents' rental car back to my house with Allison to get ready for us to come home and to start in on lunch. My mouth began to water when mom said Jill had gone to the store and picked up everything she'd need to fry catfish. I knew Anna hated seafood, but right now, I was so hungry for anything other than hospital food that I forgot to mention it to my mother. I'd cook Anna something when we got home or she'd find something in the fridge. Catherine had said she and Lindsey were going to bring over a pan of lasagna at some point in time before we got home, so if anything, Anna could help herself to some of that.
My mother drove us home in Anna's Xterra. Anna wanted to sit in the back with me and I told her I didn't mind, but my father insisted she sit up front where she'd have more room. Not feeling like arguing, I told Anna it was okay and helped her in the front seat while my father took the seat next to me in the back.
I listened in as my mother chatted about our family but I really didn't care. I kept gazing out the window, watching the scenery go by. The closer we got to our house, the sparser the buildings became. On the last turn off on the highway to get home, the buildings stopped. Acres of farmland stretched out before me and I soon became bored watching rows and rows of crops pass us by. My father kept his gaze fixed out the front windshield, no doubt keeping an eye on my mother's speed on the way home. Last thing he needed as a judge was his wife getting a speeding ticket taking me home. That'd look about as good as a judge's son getting kidnapped and eaten alive by ants after he ran away from Texas a number of years earlier. With my father, appearances were everything.
"Home." I stood in the driveway and stared hard at our house. I don't know if I thought it'd change or what, but it hadn't. The same pale yellow bricks held up the house with the light gray shingles on the roof and the same crooked left shutter on our living room window. The same red barn was behind the house and the pond was right where it always was. My Tundra was parked on my side of the carport with my parents' rental car behind it. My mother parked Anna's Xterra next to my Tundra in the carport, but I didn't see my Tahoe anywhere. I figured it was back at the lab and I'd get it back when I went back to work.
Work. The mere thought of work sent chill bumps all up and down my arms. "Are you cold?" Anna noticed the bumps on my arms, "Come on. Let's go in."
She started to lead me towards the door with my mom and dad in front of us. Just like my parents had said, my sisters had dutifully gone to work and had cleaned our house from top to bottom. The faint smell of the lavender Pine-Sol Anna liked was in the air and everything in the house was in neat order, no doubt having been gone over by my father who was a stickler for even the tiniest details.
I left my parents, sisters and Anna in the living room as I went to our bedroom to dump my hospital bag on the bed and noticed that we had new bed sheets on the bed with a new comforter and several pillows were added.
"Your sisters said the thread count is higher." I jumped a bit when my mother startled me, "I didn't mean to scare you, Nicholas." She pulled down the comforter and ran her hand over the fitted sheet on the mattress, "I know your skin hasn't completely healed from the bites so Jillian found these at the store and bought them. They're a higher thread count which makes them softer."
I dropped my bag in the floor and ran my hands over the sheets. Personally, I didn't feel anything different with these versus the sheets we had on our bed before, but I knew better than to argue, "I'll be sure to thank them." Not having a better explanation than that, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the floor. "Where are the dogs?"
"They're next door at the Brooks house. Cathy came to get them right after you went in the hospital. She said she tried to get the cat, but it hid in the closet, so she or Bryan would stop by and feed it. The teenager who handles the horses when you work said they're fine and were well fed and cared for." My mother took one of my hands in hers, "Welcome home, Nicholas."
She left me alone shortly after that and I didn't know whether to be thankful or call her back in the room. My mother was going out of her way to take care of not only me but Anna as well. She had Anna set up in the living room with plenty of pillows for her back and a blanket if she got cold. Mom was Anna's maid for the most part, even though Anna tried to protest. Anything she needed, my mother went to get. I guess that was her way of helping me, but it made me feel even more guilty to know why Anna was in the position she was in right now.
My sisters went to work frying up the catfish in the Fry Daddy my father had bought for us. Southern traditions hold true that everything tastes better fried. Catherine had brought over her lasagna right before we got home so I cut out a slice for Anna and threw it in the microwave while my sisters and mother went at it with the trimmings for the catfish.
Anna sat down at the edge of the table and I kissed the back of her neck as I put the plate of lasagna in front of her. She mouthed a thank you for me, not wanting to insult my parents over their choice of welcome home meal for me. I squeezed her wrist once before returning to the kitchen to help my sisters bring in the rest of the food to the table.
Dad remained quiet through the meal which puzzled me, but he would converse when engaged, but he mostly kept to himself. I knew him well enough to know that something was on his mind and I was pretty sure the talk about my moving back to Texas would come up at some point in time. He made sure he voiced his concerns over my living in Nevada every chance he got and now he had something huge in his corner to convince me that I should move back to Texas. Little did he know I had actually been entertaining the thought but I wanted to talk it over with Anna more before I mentioned it to anyone.
After supper, Bryan brought the dogs back home and stayed for a little bit, enjoying a piece of left over catfish before he left and Anna went to lie down with Jillian following her. Allison and I played a bit of golf on the Wii before she and my mother went to bed which left my father and me the only ones up. I braced myself for the talking to from him, but he only commented that he was glad I was home and was safe. We watched some television in silence and after the news went off, he excused himself and went to bed.
I stayed up a little bit longer, catching a rerun of Walker, Texas Ranger before I found myself yawning and turned the TV off and went to join Anna in bed.
I slept for about half an hour before Danilla startled me when she jumped in bed and climbed over me to get to Anna's pillow, where she normally slept. I sighed and rolled over, wishing I could calm down my mind enough to actually acquire a decent amount of sleep. The past few nights at the hospital had been relatively restful and I didn't want that to change.
I shifted restlessly onto my back and stared at the ceiling, letting my thoughts ricochet through my brain. I was still torn about what to do about my job. I knew my father well enough to know that he was just looking for the right time to bring up moving back to Texas and if I told him I had the slightest thought on doing it, he'd already have a realtor on speed dial, looking for the perfect home for me. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do but having my father going out of his way to convince me to move home didn't help me much either.
The wind howled through the night, causing the branches on the large oak trees on the end of our house to scratch against the windows in the hallway. I made a mental note to cut the branches down at some point in time, but that thought was shoved aside by the others still crammed inside my head. Groaning heavily, I pulled the comforter up over my head, knowing that this storm wouldn't let me sleep anymore than the thoughts in my head would.
I stopped trying to sleep after my first attempts were interrupted by nightmares. I felt myself thrashing about in the dream and it's always the same one. I'm trapped and instead of being buried, I'm in trapped in a room and I have a clear view into rows of coffins, each one of them containing a member of my team. To my immediate right is Anna, crying and begging for me to get her out. On her left side is Bryan and next to him is Cathy. On my left are my parents, then each member of my team including Lindsey who is next to Catherine.
I snapped out of my trance when I heard a low rumble of thunder from outside and glanced over at Anna. She was perfectly fine and was on her back with one arm across her stomach and the other behind her head. I guess the baby finally cooperated long enough for her to get some rest. I pulled the covers back over her body and quietly shut the door and went up front.
Reaching into the fridge, I pulled out a bottle of orange juice and poured myself a glass. When the air conditioning kicked on, the sound of the compressor inside sent a flash of a memory of me being kidnapped in front of me and I heard the sound of glass breaking but it took me a minute to realize what it was. It was me. I froze when I heard the compressor kick on and I lost my grip on the glass of juice. It's appropriate because I've lost my grip on everything. I barely made it to the toilet before my supper made an appearance again and I was trembling and sweaty when I finished vomiting. I reached over and turned on the bathroom light to grab a towel out of the closet and I couldn't take it anymore. When the tears came, I slumped to the ground right there, leaning against the door.
I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay right here, but I had to get up. My parents were still here and would be up any time. With them being a time zone ahead, their sleep patterns are ahead of Anna's and mine. I dutifully pulled myself up and stood in the shower, letting the warm water run down me for a good half an hour before I shut the water off and dried my body.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I barely recognized my own reflection. I had lost a bit of weight and I know this. My pants barely fit. On my last day at the hospital when I was actually allowed to wear something other than hospital scrubs, I had to cinch my belt up another notch just to keep my pants from falling down as I walked. My cheekbones seem sunken in and my eyes look hollow and the dark circles under my eyes give me away to anyone who knows me. I was having a hard time keeping everyone in check, but if I didn't do something and do it quick, I'd have everyone breathing down my back, not just my parents.
Giving up, I headed back to bed but found myself tossing and turning so much in bed that Anna poked me in the ribs and muttered something incomprehensible before sighing and letting her arm fall to the mattress.
It dawned on me as I was lying down that I hadn't opened the present that Grissom had given me. I got out of bed as quietly as I could and found the bag my parents had left on the floor in our room. Fishing around in the darkness, I found the box and quietly went up front to open it, not wanting to disturb Anna or my parents.
I turned on the lamp on the side table in the living room and sat down on the couch and tore the wrapping paper on the box and after digging through the tissue paper, I found an amber cube, about two inches by two inches. I thought it was a paperweight or something until I looked at what was inside the amber cube. It was an ant. A dark red fire ant.
I dropped the cube and it fell to the floor and bounced under the table. I was angry that Grissom would do this to me. Why in the hell would he think I'd need an amber encased fire ant? Did he want me to remember what nearly at me alive? Did he want me to relive the nightmare of my kidnapping over and over again every time I look at it?
"Oh wait, too late. I already do that every night." I spied the cube under the edge of the table and nudged it back so I wouldn't see it, "That's about as comforting as having a lung removed."
Cassie had heard me speaking to myself and came up front, trying to figure out what was going on. As she sat down in front of me, I kept thinking about what the actual hell was in his mind when he had this thing made or bought it or whatever he did to acquire it? Knowing Grissom, he probably went back to that nursery, found a bunch of ants and doused them in liquid amber or however it was that one encases something and made the present himself. He probably had a collection of them at his house, right next to his pickled pets and his bug collections.
My arms wrapped around me tightly, almost cutting off my air supply as I tried to hold myself together in any way I could. As my body began to tremble, I couldn't help how weak and vulnerable I felt. I silenced my sobs, hoping to not wake Anna or my parents up. The last thing I needed was one of them fawning all over me. With every sob, I was reminded of what happened.
When Cassie saw the cube and started to try to reach it, I picked it up and held it in my hands as I remembered the searing pain I was in because of the ants. My arms began to itch and when I started to scratch, the scabs fell off and I started to bleed. I wrapped my arms in gauze and sat back down, crossing my legs and sitting Indian style on the couch, with that amber ant on the end table. As Cassie stared at me, I stared hard at the ant, trying to understand why my supervisor thought I needed an amber encased fire ant in my life.
I couldn't sleep and knew there was no way I could sleep. I popped a K-cup into the Keurig machine and brewed a cup of coffee and after checking on my parents and Anna, I turned the TV on and resumed my position earlier, with the amber ant on my left on the end table. I didn't want to look at it but like the Tell-Tale Heart, I knew it was there. I got up and stuck it on the bookshelf in the living room, but knew Anna would find it and I didn't want her to see it.
I was standing in the living room, trying to decide where to put it so no one would find it. I briefly considered throwing it on the pond on our property, but didn't want to resort to such extreme measures just yet. I finally decided to stick it behind our TV in the entertainment center. Judging by the amount of dust behind our TV, it was a safe bet that Anna wouldn't find it for a long time.
I knew the thing was back there, just begging for me to look at it. I kept hearing the sounds of those ants as they filtered into the Plexiglas box where I was. The scratching. The scraping. The sound of a thousand tiny little legs pouring in to my prison. I felt every excruciating ant bite. I felt them crawling over me, unmercifully as they begged me to end it all. I remembered the steel of my gun and the feeling I felt when I squished the ants in my hand when I picked the gun up. I relived every painful memory as the venom spread through my body. I recalled the hallucinations I having because of the toxins building up.
It was then that I also remembered being rescued. I remembered Warrick beating on the top of the box. I remembered the cold blast from the fire extinguisher. I remembered how good it felt. I remembered the first deep breath of fresh air I took when Grissom opened the top of that box. I remembered him calling me Pancho. I remembered Anna's screams when they found me. I remembered the explosion when I was pulled out of the box. I remembered being found.
That's it!
It dawned on me why Grissom gave me that ant. Getting up, I got the cube from behind the TV and sat down on the floor with Cassie and held it my hands as I showed her the amber cube, "He wanted to remind me that they found me." Her only response was to cock her head to the side and whine, "I get it now."
I could almost hear Grissom's words in my head, "You figured it out. Now you know what the ant means."
It was a twisted way of saying he cared, but Grissom was never the card and flowers type of person. Knowing now what it meant, I decided not to hide the ant behind the TV anymore, but I still didn't want Anna to see it just yet. I hid it at the back of one of the shelves with our wedding portraits on it. The shelf was up high enough where Anna couldn't see the very back of it without using a step stool or something to see. It was perfect. I'd show it to her eventually, but the last thing I needed was another preterm labor event. One caused by my stupidity was enough.
Still feeling restless, I opted against going back to bed and turned on the TV. With it being so late at night, my TV choices were infomercials or reruns of SportsCenter. SportsCenter was boring with the only sport on TV now was baseball. I gave up on that and turned over to an infomercial about some annoying guy with a chamois, claiming it could pick up an entire gallon of water off the floor. I briefly considered ordering one just so I could spill a gallon of water on our floor just to see if it would work but decided against it knowing Anna would get mad if I purposely spilled water just to test this chamois's claim. The announcer guy looked a lot like Lance Bass from N*SYNC, but he also looked like he worked with mentally impaired donkeys for a living before being roped into selling the revolutionary new invention in his words. The microphone he had taped to his head was just wrong and he was way too excited over a chamois. This was all kinds of wrong and was proof that television was melting our brains and maybe we needed to walk away more often.
I lost track of time and actually became engrossed in the chamois infomercial, but not enough to actually buy one. When I caught the sight of something out of the corner of my eyes, I looked up to see Anna had materialized in our living room. It's disturbing to how soundlessly she can appear. She made her way over to me and sat down next to me before pulling a blanket up over her body and sighing deeply as she adjusted a pillow between her body and mine. I held on to her while she napped as I continued to watch TV, too wired from the caffeine in the coffee to even attempt to go back to sleep.
The next couple days were carbon copies of the first. I'd get an hour or two of sleep before I was jolted awake from a nightmare and I'd retreat to the couch to avoid waking Anna. The first day, she joined me on the couch, but after that, she either didn't wake up or didn't want to sleep on the couch next to me.
Friends stopped by to offer their well wishes and to bring an endless supply of cakes and casseroles. At this point in time, my mother would never have to cook again while she was here and even after they left, we still had plenty of food to tide us over until the baby was born. I was running out of room to put the dishes in our fridge.
But the one thing I couldn't do was sleep through the night. I'd toss and turn so much that Anna would mumble something to me and poke me. After three more days of the same thing, it had been a week since I had been home and sleep just wasn't happening no matter what I did.
A/N: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Things aren't going to be rosy in the Stokes home as Nick deals with PTSD from everything. No one will die but it will be rocky.
A new chapter of my Facebook Crackfic is coming, but that one takes a bit longer to complete and due to my being off work for an entire week dealing with a water leak in the foundation of my house, I'm way behind at work. Keep the faith. It will be posted as soon as I can get to it.
