PLEASE READ TO EXPLAIN THIS CHAPTER 'ELSE YOU'LL BE CONFUSED. Probably not but just to be safe...
This chapter was definitely something I've been planning on for a while. It's the promised chapter that I used to bribe for my 1k voters as well as the chapter where I'll be trying to tie up loose ends.
It goes in a pattern.
Just like in the anime, there were 'filler episodes' before the war. I made my own 'filler' episodes.
The first part, where Sakura meets Kurama, is cannon. The following part after that will be an omake. Not prudent to the story. The following part after that will be cannon. Then omake. Then cannon. You see the pattern here?
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
^ Will seperate Cannon and Omakes.
That's all.
"Yellow at a stoplight means: Floor it motherfucka."
-Anonymous
Disclaimer: I own no songs mentioned / used and I sure as heck don't own Naruto.
WARNING: RATING CHANGE SORTA. Each omake will have a different rating to it. Nothing nasty will happen but there will be a bit of a mature humor in one of them...
I stared determinedly at Naruto, Sasuke beside me. "Are you ready?"
Naruto gave me a nervous look, his gaze switching between myself and Sasuke. He licked his lips, shifting slightly. The three of us sat on our picnic blanket atop a tall grassy hill, no civilization for miles on reach. Just us, some food, and good ol' mother nature.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Momma?" Naruto asked hesitantly. "I mean, we don't have to do this if you don't want to…"
"Shh," I shushed him gently. "I'm his Momma too. I have to darling, don't you trust me?"
"We should do this now, before it's too late," Sasuke said, his Sharingan spinning quickly.
"Okay," Naruto said quietly. "Okay. Just say the word and I'll distract him from you, Momma. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I'll be fine," I assured him. "Now take me in, Duck-Ass."
Sasuke gave a smirk before his Sharingan eyes locked onto mine and my world bled into red and black.
A heartbeat passed before the two colors faded away and were replaced with a much more familiar scene.
The three of us stood before a caged Kurama.
I stared up at him, dark red eyes stared down at me and I saw the eerie glint of his sharp teeth as he smiled.
Naruto and Sasuke shifted beside me and I took a deep breath.
"Hi honey!" I chirped, waving my arm hyperactively at Kurama. "You know me, right? I'm your Momma!"
"Foolish child," Kurama taunted. "Do you claim to tame me? I belong to no one, am no one's child and most certainly not yours."
"Aw don't be that way," I gasped. "I am too you're mother! You're just in denial! Remember, I'm the one that gave you that adorable name. And as your mother I have to come do my job."
Kurama snarled, "It was you that got the kit to start calling me that? You-"
"Now please give me some room so I can enter your cage," I said.
At this, he stared at me. "Oh? You truly wish to enter my cage? You are either the bravest fool I have ever met, or the most deranged one."
"She is insane," Sasuke commented thoughtfully.
I shot him a glare. "You're one to talk Mr. I'm-Gonna-Run-Off-And-Let-Some-Creeper-Fuck-With-My-Body."
Sasuke gave me a loathful look. "Would you stop making it sound like that? I went to him for power not—"
"It's alright, Duck-Ass," I consoled him. "I understand. I'm not judging you. But I think it's time you came to terms with the fact that your body has been mol—"
"It has not been molested!"
Naruto and I exchanged a glance.
"Teme, I think you need to talk to someone about this," Naruto said as gently as he could. "This denial can not be good for you."
Sasuke gave someone between a frustrated cry and annoyed grunt.
I turned back to Kurama. "Yes. Yes I will enter your cage but you have to at least move back to give me some room."
Kurama gave another disturbing chuckle before I heard a commotion behind the cage and saw his eyes looked further away. I smiled. "Thank you sweetie. Alright boys, watch my back."
I then took off my weights, once more loving the feel of being so light before I ran headfirst into the cage.
Almost immediately a red paw rushed towards me, forcing me to jump up in the air. Another paw shot towards me and I heard Kurama laugh in amusement as I was forced to push off from the paw to dodge.
I sprinted away from him, trying to get behind. I had a task to do and I'll be damned if I didn't do it.
"Naruto!" I called, signaling for my other son to put to use his distraction.
Another a moment passed before Kurama's attention was forced upon the massive army of Shadow Clones Naruto had summoned. I ducked and rolled behind Kurama, pulling out the small red scroll in my pocket and unrolling it.
I kicked off as high in the air as I could, soaring far higher above Kurama. Kurama was snarling at Naruto.
I shouted, "I'm sorry honey, Momma loves you very much but—"
I popped open the item inside the scroll. A special item I had made just for him.
"—possessing your brother is just simply not allowed—"
All of Kurama's tails were raised high above and he refused to look at me, but the way his ears were perked showed he was listening.
A giant mother f-ing paddle poofed into existence from the scroll. I grabbed the handle.
"—and I want you to know this hurts Momma more than it hurts you."
Using all of my strength I swung the paddle hard and a resounding smack echoed throughout the entire cage.
Pure and utter silence descended.
Kurama, frozen stiff with shock did nothing.
Naruto, wide-eyed and gaping, stared in absolute disbelief.
Sasuke, gaping for a moment shook his head and muttered, "She would… she so would."
The paddle disappeared from existence and I rushed back out of the cage calling over my shoulder after blowing a kiss, "I love you darling, Kurama! But please behave yourself next time or Momma might not be so lenient as to do it only once!"
And after grabbing Naruto and Sasuke, the three of us were taken out of that world back to our own before Kurama could recover from shock.
Naruto and Sasuke stared at me.
"You…" Naruto gaped. "You spanked the Kyūbi."
"Of course I did; I'm his mother."
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
(Omake - 1)
Warning: Slightly mature humor. I'm not sure if this is just a high-rated T or what. It's the same reference the anime makes with Jiraiya and peeping. Skip if you don't wanna risk it.
I stared down at the scene, scowling in frustrated annoyance.
"S-S-S-S-S-S-Sa-Sa-k-k-k-kura-ch-chan...? A-A-A-A-are y-y-y-y-y-ou s-s-s-sure th-this i-i-i-is o-o-o-o-o-kay?" Hinata stuttered, her face already a bright, bright red and she looked on the verge of fainting. I knew she was resisting, but I also knew how delicate she was and understood and acknowledged that this wasn't exactly a normal scenario.
Well for her anyway.
"Why am I letting you do this?" Sasori muttered to himself, closing his eyes and giving out something between an annoyed sigh and grunt.
"Because you love," I stated, giving another frustrated grunt as entertainment had yet to happen.
Hinata whimpered, peeking through her fingers from her perch on the tree down below.
"I knew that Jiraiya would be a bad influence on you," Sasori continued to mutter, ignoring me. "I knew you were insane. But Kami... really?"
"Guys can do it, why can't I?" I retorted, staring down fixedly.
A moment passed.
There, right below us was the males' hotspring. Inside of it were the rest of the Akatsuki along with the male members of Team Kakashi (Team 7).
Yes. I was totally peeping on them. But it wasn't like I could see much anyway. They weren't even doing anything.
"What the hell is this bullshit!" I finally cried out, revealing myself to them as I leapt up onto the tree branch. Eyes snapped up in my direction and Hinata gave a strangled cry of horror while Sasori sighed, irritated.
"Momma?!" Naruto squeaked, his eyes bulging before he noticed Hinata. "Hinata-chan!?"
Hinata fainted.
"Damn it! You guys are so boring! Why aren't you doing anything?" I howled, scowling furiously at them. "At least the girls did something for Shisho!... Sometimes. Damn it, what the hell?!"
Hidan snorted before giving a lecherous grin. "If you're so fucking bored, why don't you join us?"
"No," Itachi said immediately, glaring at Hidan.
I considered this. "Well... Yeah, sure alright."
"No!" Sasori hissed, grabbing my legs and yanking me away. I cried out in shock before my arms wrapped around the tree branch as Sasori started a tug of war with me. "That's too inappropriate! No. No. No."
"Sasori-no-Danna," I whined. "Don't keep me from the hot sweaty men! That's just cock-blocking of the worse caliber!"
If anything, Sasori just redoubled his efforts to pull me away.
In a flicker of motion, I noticed that Sasuke now stood in front of me, towel wrapped tight around his waist as he glared darkly at me.
I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.
He firmly kicked me away.
"Ouch! You ass!" I cried out, reflexively clutching my forehead where he kicked me.
(Third Person POV)
Once Sakura had left along with Sasori and Hinata, Sasuke turned to Naruto who was curled up in fetal position, rocking back in forth.
Sasuke stared at him another moment before shrugging. He'd let Naruto stay in his little emo corner for a while longer. The poor boy was probably scarred for life.
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
(Third Person POV )
It was a bright and sunny day in Konoha for the shinobi. They sat, far out of the village alone in a vast grassy field that overlooked the village. The shinobi sat perfectly straight up, his legs relaxed before him as he stared down at the second shinobi. His name was Sasuke. The second shinobi was actually female, a kunoichi, with shockingly bright pink hair. Her name was Sakura.
"So," Sakura hummed, a smile curling at her lips. "I heard you've officially turned down every single girl in Konoha."
"Not every girl. Hinata hasn't bothered. And so what if I have?" Sasuke asked incredulously.
"Nothing. Just saying it'll be hard to repopulate your clan if you're so picky."
"I do not date fan girls. At all. Ever. Find me a sensible woman who's not attracted to me for shallow reasons then we can talk." Sasuke paused before he sighed. "Yes. I know."
Sakura fell silent for a moment or two, mulling over her thoughts. "Alright, tell you what. If we're both still single by 27 and ready to settle down and shit, we can be each other's rebounds."
Sasuke paused, considering this as he eyed his teammate. "... I can agree to that."
"Coolness," Sakura hummed. "Oh hey, so just to be clear, Naruto would be our godfather right? For our babies?"
Sasuke snorted. "Don't be absurd. It'd be Aniki."
Sakura frowned. "No. It'd be Naruto. It'd have to be Naruto. Can you seriously imagine him not being our godfather for our hypothetical babies?"
"Yes," Sasuke said bluntly. "Can you imagein Itachi not being the godfather for our future-hypothetical babies?"
"Yes," Sakura retorted. "Naruto."
"Itachi."
"Naruto."
"Itachi."
"Naruto."
"Itachi."
"Naruto!"
"Itachi."
Sakura was about to tackle the little prick into the ground and attempt to reason with him in a more diplomatic way when a thought crossed her mind. "Okay. How about whoever chooses the godfather... the other gets to choose the name?"
Sasuke paused thoughtfully. "... What would you name them?"
"Wormsheinerdoombringer VIII," Sakura said immediatley, her eyes locking with his.
Sasuke was about to snort at this when he noticed her expression and tone. He paled. "Oh Kami you're serious."
Naruto hummed thoughtfully to himself as he headed off to meet Sakura and Sasuke at their usual meeting spot. Just as he entered the clearing though, he was treated to the rare sight of Sasuke actually bothering to raise his voice and Sakura looking uncharacteristically pissed off.
"Naruto you fucking ass!"
"Itachi you insane bitch!"
"You merde succion putain, Naruto!" (1)
"Itachi you flat-chested loser!"
Naruto stared at them for another moment as the two continued to screech at each other before sighing, turning away and heading off to find Hinata.
Just as he turned away, he could hear Sakura screeching before tackling into Sasuke.
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
(Omake - 2)
Warning: T-Rated.
"Hi Kakashi-sensei," I greeted slyly, sitting down next to him.
The two of us were now leaning against a shaded tree, Naruto and Sasuke having finished their spar and off to grab dinner and bring it back to us.
Kakashi glanced up at me, raising a thin eyebrow. "Hello Sakura-chan."
"So Kakashi," I began. "I was wondering if you would be oh so kind as to show me your face."
Kakashi chuckled. "I don't quite think that'll be happening."
I paused, considering this. "What if I made you?"
Kakashi eyed me, amusement clear on his face. He obviously thought I couldn't. "Sakura, if you can do that, you deserve to see my face."
"Any rules?" I asked, my sly grin reforming.
"My home is off limits," Kakashi said immediatley. "Otherwise than that... feel free."
"Wonderful," I chirped, throwing my arms around him and hugging him tightly. Kakashi chuckled again before he stiffened, froze and slumped over-unconscious.
When I pulled my arms back, I held up a thin poisoned needle.
"Thank you Sasori and Doku," I said appreciatively before pulling back Kakashi's masks and looking at his face.
I studied it, my nose twitching as I rubbed it and sniffled.
"Well... damn."
"I should have seen that coming," Kakashi muttered as he allowed me to piggy-back him back to my house.
"You should have," I agreed. "And now I have perfect blackmail. Not even Gai has seen your face, right?"
"Right," Kakashi sighed.
"Seen who's face?" Naruto asked, catching up to us after bidding Hinata goodnight (we had run into them and Naruto, of course, had to talk to Hinata and her team).
"Kakashi's," I answered smugly.
Naruto froze before his eyes zeroed in on mine. "Tell me. Now."
"Don't," Kakashi warned.
My grin widened considerably. "You'll have to buy my silence, Kakashi-chan."
Kakashi groaned and Naruto snickered.
"Slave, bring us more dango!" I ordered as Hinata and I lounged about.
"Yes, Sakura," Kakashi sighed.
"Yes, what?"
Kakashi scowled at me. "Yes, mistress."
"Good boy," I praised as Kakashi muttered under his breath and headed away to fetch us more dango.
"H-How much longer will he be like this?" Hinata whispered.
"He's got a good solid month before I get tired of this," I answered, smiling very happily.
"P-Poor Kakashi-sensei..."
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
"What do you mean you're ditching your own mother on today of all days?" I asked furiously, scowling at Naruto.
"I'm sorry!" Naruto exclaimed. "I know all of us made promises to stay with each other on today so we wouldn't have to worry about all the extra drama but that was before I knew Hinata was actually going to be in the village today. I have to spend time with her-it's Valentine's Day!"
My scowl never wavered. "First Duck-Ass backs out and now you? What about me? I don't want to be that one loser alone on Valentine's Day, especially when I have my own damn harem. That's just not right."
"It's not my fault all of your harem is out of the village today," Naruto retorted.
I groaned. "Bcak to my point though-seriously Naruto? Seriously? You're doing this to me today of all days... seriously?"
Naruto winced. "I know that this is your only day off and you were really looking forward..."
"Understatement of the century."
"Iloveyousomuch?" Naruto asked weakly.
I sniffed. "What about Kurama?"
"He's still... touchy about your punishment."
"Well if he had behaved himself I wouldn't have punished him."
"I know, I know. I'm not taking his side on this but... you know how he is."
I sighed. "Fine. Go. Leave me... all alone... on today of all days... go make me some god-babies. Or grandchildren. Both."
Naruto's face took on a bright red hue. "M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-!"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. 'Mo-om! We're innocent! Never mind the fact that we're hormonal teenagers. We're perfect little angels.'"
"I love you?" Naruto asked again, sheepish.
"Get out."
"Sakura?"
My eyes widened at the familiar voice and I whirled around, facing Gaara of all people. He was in his Kazekage robes, though his hat was nowhere in sight. I stared at him, not bother to hide my incredulous look. "What are you doing in the Hokage Tower, Gaara? Better yet, what are you doing in Konoha?"
"It was a last minute plan. I believe I forgot to mention it to you in our latest letters," Gaara replied. "Tsunade-dono and I have just finished adjusting our trade plans to better suit the new influence of the economy."
"I... see. So what are you doing now?"
"Nothing in particular," Gaara answered. "I ran into Naruto and Hinata earlier and Naruto mentioned you were upset about something. Is there anything I can do?"
I flushed, a mixture from still lingering anger at being ditched, and mild embarressment at the situation. Still...
"Maybe," I admitted. "I'm just a little annoyed at being ditched on today of all days."
Gaara blinked. "What's today of all days?"
"Valentine's Day," I answered, my brow furrowed. "How the hell can you not know that? Haven't you been mobbed by your fan girls for chocolate yet?"
"That explains it," Gaara observed.
"Explains what?"
Gaara pointed to the giggling gaggle of girls who had somehow gathered on the far end of the hallway, staring intently at Gaara.
"Yep. That does indeed explain it," I agreed.
"What's the point in Valentine's Day?" Gaara asked curiously.
"It's usually time for... people who care a great deal about each other to spend time together."
"And you are upset that no one seems to care enough about you to spend time with you?" Gaara guessed.
I blinked at that, considering it. "I suppose that does take a play in it. But mostly I'm just upset at being ditched when we had this thing planned out for weeks. But, yeah, I guess I'm a little offended to be alone."
Gaara gave me a thoughtful look. "I care a great deal about you, and you care a great deal about me. I have nothing else to do for the day, why do we not... 'spend time together'?"
"Like a date?" I blurted out, my eyebrows raised in surprise.
"If that is what you want it to be."
I shrugged. "It's what Valentine's Day is usually about. Alright... sure."
Gaara gave a thin smile. "Where shall we go first?"
"Mm... the movies. You know, I just now realized this will technically be my first date. Cool."
I was giggling like crazy while Gaara and I walked back to my apartment, it was nearly midnight by the time the two of us ran out of things to do. All in all, it was actually a very... fun time.
"Promise?" I persisted, grinning like mad.
Gaara shook his head, amusement in his tone. "Yes, Sakura. I promise the next time you come to Suna I will do this... sand surfing with you."
"Yes! That is going to be just so totally awesome."
"And just where have you been?"
Gaara and I stopped before my front door, Kakashi, Sasuke, and... Naruto and Jiraiya standing in front of it, scowling at us.
"... On a date," I answered, staring at them. "What fuck are you doing at my home? Furthermore... why the Hell were you in my home?"
"Naruto was worried when you didn't come back after a while," Kakashi answered. "So he grabbed Sasuke, who then grabbed me who was with Jiraiya and we looked a bit. What do you mean date?"
"I took Sakura out on a date," Gaara supplied.
"It's past your curfew young lady," Jiraiya said, trying and failing to hold a dissaproving tone.
"... This is so weird," I decided. "All of you, get the fuck out of my apartment. Gaara, it was fun. See you tomorrow?"
"Yes," Gaara responded. I smiled and kissed his cheek. He returned my smile with one of his own before departing.
"The hell was that!" Naruto exclaimed. "Mommy that was totally inapprorpiate."
"Did he at least buy you dinner?" Kakashi asked.
Sasuke sighed, choosing to scowl at the sky. "Why is my team full of idiots?"
"Are you guys jealous?" I snickered.
Naruto huffed. "Mom!"
I rolled my eyes, moving forward before kissing all of their cheeks. "There. Guys, I love you all very much. You guys are definitely the only people I really consider family. But seriously, shut up and get the fuck out. I want to sleep. And if you guys break into my apartment again I swear I'll Hidan that you all think Jashin-sama sucks."
Needless the say, they never did break into my apartment again. As far as I know anyway.
But then I thought back over to my first date and I felt a little giddy inside.
Maybe Gaara would be up for another one soon?
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
(Omake 3)
Warning: Rated T.
"A!" I declared passionately, jumping up onto the Raikage's desk.
A snorted, staring (or glaring, I really couldn't tell the difference between the two with him) at me. "Sakura."
"Seeing how I'm in Kumo, I have decided to act upon our rivalry!" I exlcaimed. "I challenge you!"
"What's the challenge?" A asked curiously. "I could use the break from paperwork anyway."
"Whoever can piss off the most people within an hour," I decided.
A snickered. "This sounds like fun. Rules?"
"No killing or maiming of anyone. Other than that? Nope! Our time starts... now!"
And with an energetic leap, I threw myself out his window.
Doors were for people with no imagination.
"Come on Shisho," I hummed, guiding Jiraiya through the streets of Kumo. "I'm going to make you a very happy guy."
Jiraiya chuckled. "I'm not sure how you can do that... is that Kumo hotsprings?"
"Mm-hmm. There's a kunoichi convention in Kumo going and the hotsprings are jammed pack."
Already, Jiraiya was drooling in the direction of the hotsprings. There was but a thin layer of tall rock between him and roughly eighty-nine naked kunoichi (I counted). I positioned him right in front of the rock.
"It will only last a few seconds before it's over," I warned him. "I already asked Naruto to ask the Chief Toad to reverse-summon you in exactly forty seconds so you won't be killed. But in those precious few seconds, you will be on very happy guy."
"Mm-hmm."
I then hopped up onto the rock wall, grinning widely and channeling chakra towards my throat to enhance my voice. "Hello ladies! My name is Haruno Sakura and it's my job for the hour to piss off as many people as I can. So... sorry about this, but I have no intentions of losing."
I then channeled chakra into my fist and slammed it into the rock tower, completely destroying it.
I hopped away, snickering quietly as Jiraiya nose practically became a bloody waterfall at the view he was seeing. That lasted a few seconds before screams of outrage indicated the women had noticed him, along with squeals of embarressment. As I hurried away before they could notice me, I gave a satisfied smirk that Jiraiya had poofed away via summoning before the women could reach him.
Eighty-nine Sakura. Zero A.
"Kakashi-sensei!" I exclaimed, rushing over to him, my face morphing into rather sullen look. Kakashi looked up from reading his Icha Icha, frowning slightly through his mask upon seeing my face.
"Is something wrong Sakura-chan?" Kakashi asked.
"It's horrible," I sniffled, rubbing my eyes. "Shisho... Shisho decided to give up writing Icha Icha!"
Kakashi paled and blanched. "What? No way would he do that-right? Right."
"Wrong," I muttered. "Tsunade-sama promised to go on three dates with him if he did. And you know how long Jiraiya's been in love with her..."
Kakashi's face paled even more so. "No... No way... Not my porn. Oh Kami no! There has to be something we can do."
I hesitated. "Well..."
Kakashi latched onto that word. "Well?"
"Well... Tsunade-sama said he'd let him continue writing if someone really showed their declartion of love for the series... It'd have to be soon too because the deal starts tomorrow."
Kakashi nodded slightly. "What can we do?"
I paused, pretending to think it over. "I have just the idea."
"Um... Sakura-chan... are you sure that this is a good idea?"
I nodded my head, standing next to Kakashi on top of the Raikage tower. "Together on the count of three."
"One..."
"Two..."
"Three..."
While Kakashi used chakra to enhance the sound of his voice, I stealthily snuck away, unnoticed. "I, Hatake Kakashi, am a huge addict for the Icha Icha series. I humbly beg all my fellow pervets to band together and prove our love to the Icha Icha series so it may not stop writing!"
It was about then that Kakashi noticed I wasn't saying this with him. He turned to face me, momentarily ignoring the large crowd of people that had gathered to watch. "... Sakura-chan is there a reason you're hiding."
"Yes," I admitted. "Because I totally punk'd you."
"... I see. I'm going to kill you now."
"So you're mad at me?"
"Beyond."
"Victory for me then!"
Then I stared at Kakashi's hand which had clapped together, his two index fingers sticking out in his infamous jutsu.
I paled. "Oh God don't ass rape like you did to Naruto."
Kakashi took a step closer.
I squeaked before turning on my heels and fleeing.
"Duck-Ass," I hummed. "You know you have fan girls stalking you right? I think they want to jump you."
Sasuke looked up from his scroll, raising a single eyebrow at me. "I know. I've been ignoring them. Have they gone away yet-or do they look like they will any time soon?"
"No," I admitted, staring at the mob of girls (and a few boys) who were very much leering at Sasuke.
I sat down next to him, slinging my arm around his shoulders.
He stared at me. "What are you doing?"
I pricked his shoulder with my poisoned needle.
He stared at me another moment before pure fury lit up in his eyes and slacked over, paralyzed.
"I need enough time to start my bargaining," I explained. "I don't want you interrupting my deals. Oh, you probably should keep better guard of your clothes by the way. So very easy to get to."
I raised my voice, pulling out of my pocket a pair of clean boxers before holding them up to the fan girls (and boys). "Ladies and gentlemen, I have hear a pair of Uchiha boxers. Who wants them? Cash only."
The mob was quick to surround me, each of them shouting out answers while I smiled gleefully.
"Ha!" I cheered. "In one hour I managed to piss off one hundred people!"
A gave me a sly grin. "I still have five minutes left don't I?"
"You do," I admitted. "But it won't do you any good! You haven't pissed off a single person!"
A only chuckled patronizingly before opening the window to his office. In a loud booming voice he said, "I, the Raikage now declare all women are to be naked from the waist up unless they are over the age of fifty. No one wants to see that shit if they are. I declare all men to be castrated, with the exception of me, effective immediately. This is the new law... starting... now."
There was a moment of silence.
Pure. Utter. Rage.
Screeches of outrage and shock rang out all around the village and I gaped at the Raikage.
I slumped forward, my head hanging low.
"I admit defeat," I sniffled. "That was just... damn."
A nodded his head, smirking. He then leaned out the window. "I apologize everyone, that was just a joke by my good friend. There is no such law. Continue on about your day."
He shut the window, patted me on my head and left the office.
"Damn..." I muttered. "All of that for nothing... Oh well, better go hide before Duck-Ass, Kakashi, that mob of women, and those other people find me."
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
Naruto stared in silent horror at the crater that was once Konoha. Even after the frog had confirmed it, as well as Jiraiya, some part of him just couldn't wrap his brain around it. The beautiful and lively place that was his home… turned to this? All from one person? Well, one attack really… but… still.
How could this be?
With his sage mode, he searched the parameters of Konoha, wondering if anyone was still alive. He begged for his friends and precious people to be found.
He could only find a handful of them. Hinata. Tsunade. Shizune. Neji. Lee. Tenten. Gai.
His eyes closed and his stomach churned. Fear rode through him and he desperately hoped he was wrong. He begged he was wrong.
"Pervy-Sage?" Naruto inquired, his eyes still closed as he fought to rein in his emotions. "Is Momma and Teme… and Kakashi-sensei out on a mission right now? Are they… out of Konoha… right now?"
Silence greeted him.
Naruto bit back a dry sob, choosing instead to channel a more productive emotion. Anger. His eyes snapped open and never before had he felt such intense hatred. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. He stared loathfully at the one named Pein.
He wanted to kill him.
He would kill him.
"Pervy-Sage," Naruto began, his voice rough. He fought to keep a hold on his anger. He couldn't let it overtake him just yet. From the information Jiraiya had given him, he knew he first needed to take out the resurrecting one first, followed by the chakra absorber and the summoner. "We need a plan."
"Aa," Jiraiya agreed, staring down at Pein with an almost nostalgic glint in his eyes. But with that glint came a cold fury. He was angry too.
Good.
First he needed to take down the resurrection one. That was first and foremost. But as his eyes scanned the number of Peins presented to him, he realized two were missing. Thinking back to his knowledge, he concluded the village had successfully taken down the resurrection one, as well as the ninjutsu-absorber one.
Not entirely surprisingly, really. It was the entire village against him. Of course they had to have taken at least two down. It was his village. He didn't expect anything less than that.
Granted, he would have preferred if they had taken all of him down before he did so much damage but this wasn't a perfect world.
If it was, they would still be alive.
That left… the summoner, the gravitational one, the machine, and the mind-raper.
Naruto closed his eyes. "Pervy-Sage."
Jiraiya shifted his head ever so slightly, his eyes never leaving the enemy.
"Do you remember… when Momma and I were training? Momma wanted to practice fighting multiple enemies so we tag teamed her. Do you remember what we did?"
"Aa," Jiraiya confirmed. "Sakura already confirmed Pein would be susceptible to genjutsu. Ma, Pa, do you think you could cast it?"
"It will take some time," Pa said.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Naruto growled, anger flashing through him. He could feel it coursing through his veins, the hot burning sensation. The fox wanted out—Kurama, Sakura called him. Naruto couldn't ever put that name to him though. Some part of him still resented him, and hated for what that damn fox did to her and the Pervy-Sage during training. So he referred to him as either fox or Fluffy. Because he hated that name.
Naruto surged forward, everything slowing down into perfect clarity from his sage-mode. The first one surged forward—the summoner – while the others stayed back, still guarding the gravitational Pein. Naruto recalled vaguely Jiraiya telling him that after using such a massive attack he would be rendered useless for the majority of the battle.
It would make sense to take him out as soon as possible, before he could do any damage. But that wouldn't do. The other paths would guard him zealously to the point Naruto wouldn't even bother. Right now, Naruto's only focus was to eliminate as many of the other hostiles as he could so he could put his entire focus on the gravitational one.
The summoner wasted no time in summoning a dog, a bird, and a rhino. Granted, they all looked like some modified grotesque thing of their former selves but… Naruto didn't even give them thought, rushing straight towards them. He could feel the larger toads leaping into action, intent on distracting the summons.
As Gamabunta kicked the dog into the air, leaping up after it, Naruto engaged in a taijutsu bout with the summoner.
From what Jiraiya had told him, taijutsu would be nearly useless so long as all of the other paths present could see the battle. So Naruto opted to use a move that couldn't be seen.
With his sage mode, Naruto attempted a round house kick. The summoner bent away from the kick, effectively dodging it. What it did not anticipate was the sudden surge in nature chakra to slam into its gut, sending it flying away. Naruto quickly followed after it, two Rasengans spiraling in his hands as he launched towards it.
The machine one attempted to engage Naruto then. Naruto barely had a moment to dodge the missiles fired off at him. Naruto's eyes narrowed and he felt another strong surge of blind anger. He had to grit his teeth to hold it back. He landed on the ground, creating two clones before throwing down a red smokescreen. While one clone stayed in the smoke, another leapt up into the air. Naruto himself dove underground, recalling the underground walking training both he and Sakura had to go through. It was actually the final step in chakra control exercises they had gone through. After water walking, Jiraiya was adamant they knew how to maneuver underground.
Naruto was thankful for that training now.
Using his sage mode, he hurried his way towards the summoner. His first clone that had rushed out had popped and he regained its memories.
It had engaged in a taijutsu bout with the machine. It had lost, obviously, but it was enough to keep the machine distracted. It knew that the clone that had stayed behind was making another clone to engage in a battle with the machine. Naruto knew he had to make sure they didn't expect him underground. They couldn't see him here. It was his once-time-working attack.
He was just underneath the summoner now. He kicked off from under the ground, his fist connecting squarely with the summoner's jaw. But before the summoner could go flying up, Naruto grabbed its neck twisting and throwing him into the ground while at the same motion, snapping its neck.
He let the corpse drop from his hands, eyes blazing as his last clones popped away.
The animals summoned poofed away and Naruto regained a defensive position in front of Jiraiya who held a defensive position in front of Ma and Pa.
Naruto winced when the two toads began to cast their genjutsu (they had waited until Naruto would take down the summoner so the other toads could be used as a better defense). The gravitational corpse stared back at the toads before a brief look of recognition crossed its face. Its eyes narrowed. The mind-raper and machine both rushed towards the toads but Naruto quickly ran to intercept them. He was running out of time with his Sage Mode.
He summoned two clones before forming the Rasenshuriken and hurling it towards them. The mass of sheer chakra wasted no time in descending upon them but the Machine was quick. It fired off a massive flamethrower at the ground, lurching itself into the air while grabbing hold of the mind-raper in the same motion. Naruto grit his teeth as the Rasenshuriken exploded, but missed its targets.
The song was nearly complete.
Naruto felt a grim smile at that. It didn't matter if it had missed. Once they were placed in a genjutsu, it was all over.
Or so he thought until the gravitational path got its damn powers back.
Just as Naruto smiled, the corpse flexed its fingers experimentally, holding them up to its face. He extended a hand towards the toads. "Shinra Tensei."
Naruto's smile slipped as the toads were thrown away along with Jiraiya and even he was knocked back a few feet. His eyes widened when he saw the machine launch a massive missile towards them.
"Get away!" Naruto shouted out the warning but it was too late.
The missile made contact into the ground, causing a massive explosion that sent Naruto thrown back further away and into the ground, wincing as the air left him forcibly. Dust clouded the majority of the clearing and by the time Naruto was back up and standing it had cleared away.
The toads were lying sprawled, bleeding massively. Naruto's eyes searched for the elderly ones, finding them next to a bleeding Jiraiya. Jiraiya looked otherwise unharmed but there was a massive cut across his forehead.
Naruto's hands clenched into fists as he lost the last of his Sage Mode chakra.
Jiraiya noticed immediately and held out his arms. Naruto yanked the scroll off his back, hurtling it towards Jiraiya. The man wasted no time in unrolling it and summoning a clone.
It was not a moment too soon did that clone dispel before Naruto felt a massive pull towards him.
As Naruto was lurched forward towards the gravitational corpse he twisted his body, his hands flying up into handseals as he did the only real other useful ninjutsu he could use.
As he did it, Naruto felt an almost bitter smile twist over his face.
This one's for you, Momma. Because Kami knows you would do this exact same thing if you were in my position. Hell, you'd have probably popped it out straight from the beginning.
"Oiroke-no-jutsu!"
The sudden transformation from Naruto to voluptuous woman, actually caused an amusing reaction on the corpse. A look of utter horror crossed its face and the jutsu faded—though Naruto was still hurtling towards the bastard from the momentum it caused. Naruto successfully landed a solid chakra-packed punch against it, sending it flying back.
Naruto poofed back to his normal self.
"Why is that the more powerful a shinobi, the more perverted they are," Naruto wondered. "Pretty sure this one would have had a nosebleed if it could."
Naruto narrowly ducked a punch from the mind-raper corpse and used nature chakra to deliver a solid blow into its stomach, knocking it towards Jiraiya who delivered a fatal Rasengan.
Two more to go.
Naruto felt a small twinge of chakra from Tsunade. Jiraiya landed next to Naruto, still bleeding heavily.
"Go to Baa-chan," Naruto ordered softly. "You're still exhausted staying up all night training me. You don't have Fluffy's chakra to push you through this. Baa-chan's worried sick. I've got this. Tell the toads to go back home too, well except one of them. I know I'll need someone to summon my last clone."
Jiraiya grunted, seeming to think over Naruto's order. "… I know you can handle this. I'm sorry I can't be of much help."
"Go comfort Baa-chan."
Jiraiya closed his eyes, weighing his options. "I'll come back. Don't go too crazy. Remember yourself."
Naruto didn't respond to that, just rushing forward to engage with the machine. After two more clones were summoned and dismissed, two Rasengans spiraled in both of his hands. The machine ducked underneath the first one but Naruto landed the second one, ending that corpse.
Naruto felt another pull and soon found himself hurtling back towards the gravitational corpse.
Naruto grit his teeth, his hands closing into fists.
It was one on one now.
That was fine by him.
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
(Omake 4)
Warning: T and K+
From the living room you could hear the start of a song beginning to play, the introduction being a piano.
Sasori looked up from his book, his eyes narrowed into irritation.
As the music went on for a few more seconds, three figures slid out into view on the wooden floor. Each of them wore a pair of socks, and a white shirt. And from the way things were going, Sasori would bet they were wearing sunglasses too. For the moment they had their backs turned to him.
Just as lyrics started to sing, the three figures turned around in synch.
"Juts take those old records off the shelf-"
Deidara, Sakura and Hidan began to sing along.
"I should of listened to them by myself-"
Sasori hurled a kunai at the stereo, effectively destroying it.
"No," Sasori deadpanned.
"Why did we agree to this again?" Nagato asked. The Akatsuki along with the Rookie 9 (plus Gai's team), were sitting in a fairly wide circle. Only Naruto was seen to be standing up, tapping everyone on the head once as he continued to go arond.
"Because it's fun and we're all bored," Sakura supplied.
"Shinobi... Shinobi... Shinobi..." Naruto continued on.
"And the person who catches the 'missing-nin' the fastest wins whoever they want as a slave for a week, un," Deidara said.
"That too," Sakura commented.
"Shinobi... Shinobi... Shinobi... Missing-nin!" Naruto exclaimed, tapping Sakura's head. Sakura lurched up from her spot, chasing after her son before tackling him right before he made it to the safety spot.
"Eight seconds. That beats Hidan's by about one," Ino said.
Sakura grinned. "Oh hell yeah."
Naruto grumbled under his breath as Sakura began to tap everyone's head, going around the circle. "Shinobi... Shinobi... Shinobi..."
Just as she reached Kakuzu, she tapped the miser on the head. "Missing-nin!"
And just as she was flickering away, Kakuzu grabbed her ankle making her face vault into the floor.
"I win," Kakuzu muttered.
"Not even a full second," Kiba grumbled. "Damn it Sakura, you slow ass."
"Mmmmph-mmph-mph!" Sakura yelled, her face still connected to the floor.
Sakura stared at Kurama.
Kurama stared at Sakura.
"Sit boy!"
"Go to Hell."
(Spoilers - Chapter 572 in the manga)
"Where are we?" Naruto asked curiously to Kurama. Then his eyes widened upon seeing just how they weren't alone.
It was all of the other bijuu and their jinchuuriki.
Even though Naruto was currently at war with Tobi, even though he had been swallowed by the four-tails... he couldn't stop himself from smiling so brightly at them. This was just too cool.
"Uzumaki Naruto," intoned Kurama. "This isn't the same place the four-tails was. We're now completely linked with the other jinchuuriki. See for yourself?"
"I don't really understand what you're saying but the spikes are gone and the masked man isn't here so we can relax more in this time right?" Naruto demanded.
"He cannot reach us here," Kurama confirmed.
"Thanks for coming," Yagura said. "As the rep-"
"Wait," Kurama said. "There is one other coming."
"What?" Fuu asked, her brow furrowed. "But... we're all the jinchuuriki here."
"Hi everyone!"
Naruto whirled around, gaping at Sakura. "M-Mom?"
"Hi sweetie," Sakura cooed. "How's everything going? Kisame-sama says hi, by the way. We're almost finished with our part also."
"What is she doing here?" Yagura's bijuu asked.
Kurama gave him an incredulous look, frowning. "She's our mother. Of course I invited her."
"Hi darlings," Sakura said, waving her hand.
"This is my mother everyone," Kurama introduced her. "Sakura."
"So wait... does that make her our mother too?" Chōmei asked.
"I always wanted a big family."
It was then that Sakura noticed the ex-Mizukage. She paled, gasping in horror. "Oh no! This is terrible!"
Yagura gave her an incredulous look.
"You're hot," Sakura said, as if that alone explained her reaction.
"... Thanks?" Yagura replied hesitantly. "That's an issue... why?"
"Because then there's one less hot guy in the world today and that's just sad. I need to go cry myself to sleep now."
Kurama and Naruto sighed.
( 。◕‿‿◕。)
Sakura leaned in towards Itachi, her gloved fingers brushing over his eyes as they glowed a pale green. "Hmm. Tsunade-sama's therapy seems to be working well for you. Not only has your eyes stopped decaying from the inside out, but your vision seems to have improved. Even if only minutely."
Itachi gave Sakura at small smile. "Thank you, Lilly-san."
Sakura's nose crinkled at her name. "If you're going to insist on calling me that name in private, at least drop the honorific."
Sakura pulled back, pressing a hand against his chest. Her hand glowed green once more before she pulled it back, a contemplative look on her face. "Shirt off."
Itachi stared at her. "Excuse me?"
"Shirt off. I need to check something."
"I thought medical-nin could do those types of things with clothing on," Itachi said dryly.
"Oh they can," Sakura agreed, smiling sweetly. "I just like looking at your abs. Clearly. No. Seriously, shirt off. I don't want to risk botching this up because my chakra mistook something from the materials in your shirt."
Itachi continued to stare at her.
"Start stripping or I will schedule you for a prostate," Sakura threatened.
"You wouldn't. I don't need one," Itachi retorted.
Sakura gave him another mocking smile. "Oh but you do. After all you were out of the village for so long and not properly treated by certified medical-nin that you can prove. Who knows what kind of horrors you've been through that you've just repressed to the point you have no memory of? And I, your loving and caring doctor just couldn't bear the risk of not giving you such an important exam. In fact I would be so distraught that I couldn't give it to you myself, asking instead one of my nurses-your fan girls-to do it. Not to mention my kind and supportive teacher, Tsunade-sama would back me up one hundred percent."
Itachi appeared faintly disturbed. "... Just my shirt?"
"Just your shirt," Sakura assured him.
As Itachi stripped his shirt off, Sakura placed her hands once more on his chest, her brow furrowed. A full minute passed before she withdrew it, her brow furrowed. "I don't like the feel of your chakra network surrounding your heart... I'm scheduling you for another appointment tomorrow. I want to run some tests."
Itachi pulled his shirt back on, frowning thoughtfully. "That was a nice catch then, Lilly... chan."
Sakura gave him a smile. "It's my job. I don't want one of my precious people dying on me so soon."
"What time do you get off?" Itachi inquired.
"Mmm... two more hours then I'm done for the day," Sakura hummed.
"May I take you out for dango then?" Itachi offered politely. "It's the least I could do."
Sakura quirked an eyebrow before beaming. "You buying?"
"Of course."
"Then yes, you may. See you in a few."
(1) Shit sucking whore
I. Hate. Fight. Scenes.
The whole reason this was so late in coming was because of that stupid fight scene. It's the bane of my exsistence. I wrote this story for humor and parody and for shits and giggles so I'm only going to say this once. If the fight scene does not directly involve Sakura, and even then, I'm not writing it anymore. Sorry. But there is a reason this story isn't in the 'adventure' genre.
So. There's your fight scene. Gave me such a massive writer's block for this and probably just about ruined my weekend trying to write it. I don't care it's short. It's cannon from where it ends. I liked the Pein/Naruto fight in the anime.
/Shot.
Phew. Got that off my chest.
Well. There you go everyone. That's how Kurama and Sakura meet, and there's the top three pairing one shots. I can't really imagine Sakura and Sasuke having a romantic moment. Sakura loves mocking him too much and I think Sasuke does too. Gaara and Sakura are adorable together and I think those two have a very nice go-with-the-flow relationship. Itachi and Sakura also seem to have a more relaxed relationship, with Itachi playing the perfect gentleman.
The omakes were rather fun to write. A is so boss, their rivalry will be completely one-sided it's not even funny. Oh... wait... yes it is.
That last omake was just little bunnies that made it's way onto paper... evil little bunnies.
Two important things.
First bit of important thing(s): One... I was wondering if any of you were betas or knew any betas. After Sakura, I mentioned I was going to write two (actually more like four now... but two first) more self inserts and I want betas for them.
They will both be very different from each other and one of them will have a more drastic feel in comparison to the other one and Sakura.
I'd like a beta who can help me with Nao, a reincarnation self-insert with a more somber and dramatic mood and tone than Sakura. Think of Dreaming of Sunshine or Only Morons or something along those lines type. No Oc/ anyone in this story. So, no romance. There will also be more action / fight scenes. Not much, as they aren't my cup of tea, but enough.
Other beta for a more humorous and fluffy story, Mia. This one won't be anywhere near as long as Nao and will have a more... Sakura feel to it. I've already decided on a pairing for this one but I'm not too good with romance so I'll definitely need some input there.
If you'd like to consider beta-ing either one of these stories, it would be a huge help. Please PM me if you're interested and I'll hopefully have an answer for you by the time the next Sakura chapter is out.
I've already written the first two chapters of both stories so...
Second bit of important thing(s): I'm having a bit of writer's block on one thing... Because this story doesn't have a beta so I can't really ask for outside input... I'm going to ask you guys and see what you think.
Should Tobi(to) be saved? Or should he die?
Be completely honest with me, as I haven't really changed anything in this story's Tobi... so consider him Cannon!Tobi. Should Cannon!Tobi die or have Therapy-Jutsu used on him?
Reasons for your answer would be most appreciated.
Okay... that's all I wanted to say.
Answer: Totally take Rin's place and marry Obito. He doesn't have a choice in the matter.
Bitch-slap the hell outta Sakura. DAMN IT GIRL. DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND DON'T ADD MORE USELESS DRAMA. I love you, really I do, else I would have used Hinata for this story but DAMN IT. And Sasuke... SASUKE. WHY NO YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE?
Hug the shit outta Naruto. He just needs hugs.
Question: ... I'm going to make this my aforementioned question. Should Cannon!Tobi die or have Therapy-Jutsu used on him?
See you Thursday/Friday
Reviews are love.
