Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene -
Exultations
BPOV
I wondered if this was a calm before the storm.
For the past few days, everything had been standing oddly still. But beneath that, there was this enigmatic expectation. Everyone waited for something to happen, something that would break the stagnant mode we had seemed to drift into. No one knew what would happen next; no one knew the solution to make something happen. It was Alice who was probably suffering the most because of it. When her golden eyes, usually lively and vivid, lost their focus to see things what others couldn't, everyone's gazes always crept towards her. Everyone waited for her to reveal something that would justify to take action.
But as it seemed, her visions evaded her more than ever before. And therefore they didn't give us the answers we needed, nor did they give us a reason to take any action to make the situation change. I didn't know if it disappointed me or not. I knew this couldn't go on forever. We couldn't go through our days with everyone constantly holding their breaths and waiting for something to happen.
No one knew why Alice couldn't see anything. Her visions were based on the decisions that were made, and the only explanation she could give to us was that no one was simply deciding anything. It seemed unlikely that Laurent and Victoria could go on like this for very long. They had to decide something eventually; at least I tried to reassure myself this way. But everything seemed to be so unsure, especially with the Volturi messing things up even more. The Volturi - that was yet another dilemma to be solved, one that was so difficult that even Alice's knowledge of the future wouldn't probably help.
I could tell she was losing confidence in herself. She couldn't understand why she didn't see anything from anyone. Logically, she should have been able to see at least something about Victoria and Laurent since they were now moving together by themselves. Either one had to make some decision at some point.
"Maybe it's not about what they decide," Emmett had suggested once. "Maybe it's about what we decide. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. What if we are waiting for Alice to see something so we can leave, and she won't see anything because we won't really leave until she does see something."
Jasper had admitted that it was a possibility, but it still didn't completely explain Alice's lack of visions when it came Laurent and Victoria.
The situation frustrated everyone, but especially it frustrated Carlisle. I knew he tried to hide it from me as well as he could, but I could see through him. Carmen's suggestion to keep a low profile and go on with our lives didn't bring any relief to him, or to anyone else for that matter. We were simply mimicing our daily living, and it wasn't easy. And mimicing was a loose term - no one even tried to pretend that everything was normal.
The Denalis stayed with us as if by some unspoken agreement. It was another sign for me that they expected something to happen in near future. Or then their sense of time had expanded over the decades to the point that waiting around for a few months or years was nothing to them. Maybe it wasn't. I could sort of relate to that - to the the purposelessness of time, I mean. Because I knew what it was like when time started to lose its meaning.
The wind brought the scent of late summer into my nostrils. Even I had to admit that the summer I hadn't had the chance to live was leaving, and the cool autumn was taking its place. I brushed my palms against the overgrown grass, enjoying the way it tickled my sensitive skin. This was yet another thing I still hadn't gotten used to; all these different sensations after spending weeks in a space where only emptiness existed caused me to be almost bewildered.
I glanced behind me towards the glass wall of the living room. Carlisle and Eleazar were sitting opposite of each other with their heads so close that their foreheads were almost touching. Their quiet words reached my ears every now and then, and I wondered if they were trying to hide their conversation from me or were they simply so focused on it.
I shifted my position on the backyard's lawn, closing my eyes and pretending that rays of sun were bathing me. It was hard. Only the grey light filtering through the thick veil of clouds was the only sign that the sun even existed somewhere up there. I had an urge to make my way through the trees and climb to the mountains to see if the cloud cover was more thin over there. But I wasn't allowed to do that, not at least without someone watching over me.
Carlisle had insisted that I shouldn't go anywhere alone anymore. If I wanted to take walks in the woods like I had sometimes used to, he had demanded that I wouldn't do so alone. I wasn't irritated by his need to guard me. I knew he worried, and the least I could do for him was to stay in sight and not make him more troubled.
And to be honest, the thought of taking a walk in the woods alone was quite spooky. The last time I had done that, my little activity had taken a bad turn, and it had ended me up with being completely separated from everyone I cared about for months to an end.
Carlisle's and Eleazar's whispering grew a little louder, but I still had to focus my hearing to catch the words.
"But why can't she see it?" Carlisle wondered. "That remaining vampire left Laurent and Victoria. There's no one to make even the most simple decisions for them. Alice should be able to see even the smallest of acts. If they change their course, for instance."
I saw Eleazar nodding from the corner of my vision. "But she can't," he answered. "It makes me wonder as well."
"Perhaps there is someone we aren't aware of, after all," Carlisle suggested, lowering his voice. "Someone who reunited with Victoria and Laurent after we freed Bella. That person could be making all the decisions, and it could explain why Alice can't see anything."
Eleazar nodded again. I couldn't see his frown, but I could hear it in his voice. I had an urge to take a look again, but I didn't want them to know that I was paying attention to their conversation. Carlisle was still very protective of me, even though he had been more open about everything during the past days.
And I wasn't technically eavesdropping. If they really had wanted to have a secret conversation, they would have gone somewhere else to talk.
"It's possible," Eleazar agreed quietly. "But there's another possibility - well, many other possibilities - but it could be that those two who escaped from the island are now with Victoria and Laurent. Anything is possible."
I suppressed a sigh. It was a wonder no one's head had exploded after millions of speculations. It was annoying to have endless amounts of possibilities.
The sound of quiet steps reached my ears suddenly, and I turned to see the leonine man with honey-blond hair approaching me. His quiet reserve didn't cause me to be uncomfortable - on the opposite.
His next words managed to surprise me, though.
"Are you up for a short walk?" he asked with a small smile.
Jasper had always been an enigma to me. We had never talked that much, and the few profound coversations to open up his character to me had been about his violent past and our common struggle with bloodlust.
I gazed at him with a quirk of my brow. "Do you want to go hunting?" I asked, wondering what he had in mind.
He shook his head. "Not if you don't want to."
I felt a moment of nervousness, but the feeling disappeared soon. I wasn't sure if it was Jasper's doing or my own.
"Come on," he prodded, nodding towards the forest. "You must be going crazy, having to spend your entire time in the vicinity of the house."
I partly had to agree with that. I nodded at him, standing up from the soft lawn. I glanced behind me towards the glass wall of the living room.
Carlisle met my gaze. It caused me to believe that he was constantly keeping one eye on me despite the conversation or other distractions that might demand his attention. He gave me a quick nod, smiling briefly before exchanging a look with Jasper. A part of me had expected him to forbid our stroll in the woods. I had never seen Carlisle so tense as he had been during the past few days, and his watch over me neared an obsession at times.
But he didn't say a word as Jasper started to lead me towards the bushy forest. I fell into step beside him, and the silence that was surprisingly comfortable lasted for several minutes. Even with our relatively leisurely pace for a vampire, we were several miles away from the house by the time I eventually broke the silence.
"Where's Alice?" I asked. "I haven't sen her today. Is she hunting with the Denali sisters?"
Jasper shook his head. "Not hunting," he answered. "She went to the city with Kate and Tanya. She's trying to take a break, but at the same time attempting to..." he searched a word for a moment, "re-program herself. I guess one might call it that."
I frowned at him. "What do you mean?"
One of the scars on Jasper's face creased as his brow furrowed.
"With taking a break I meant that it's easier for her to be around people - humans - she doesn't have any connection to. It calms her mind when she doesn't have to expect a vision to pop into her head all of a sudden," Jasper explained. "Of course she can't turn it completely off just like that, even if she wanted to. But she's attempting to seek some clarity. She's hoping that she might be able to see better after clearing her mind."
"It must be pestering for her to have everyone breathing down her neck and expect her come up with an answer," I mused.
Jasper smiled briefly. "I'm sure it's tiresome," he agreed. "But she's doing it gladly. I don't think she's ever seen her gift as a disadvantage or a burden." Jasper frowned after his own words, stepping over a large hornet's nest that was hidden in the ground.
I ignored the electrical buzzing of the bees. If I had been a human, the sound would have made me panic. I had hated bees.
"Does she think that way now?" I asked, wondering Jasper's frown. "That it's burdening her?"
"No." Jasper shook his head. "She's simply insecure about herself. She's been ever since she stopped seeing Victoria and Laurent. It makes her wonder if there's something wrong with her sense," he explained.
"But she still sees the Volturi, right?" I asked. "Or the little there's to be seen."
The Volturi had been as unsuccessful with finding Victoria as expected. I didn't know how to feel about that. If they caught her, it would cause both relief and chagrin.
Jasper nodded again. He slowed his pace, and his sudden change of subject was so abrupt that I wondered if he tried to confuse me on purpose.
"How are you doing?" he asked. "Are you alright?"
It took a while until I got over my surprise, but at the same time his concern was touching.
"Yeah, I guess," I answered, wondering why my instant reaction wasn't to assure that everything was absolutely fine and perfect. It sounded like something I might say, even though it would be a lie. Especially because it was a lie.
"Are you getting used to being back again?" he asked outright.
I shrugged. "I suppose." I reached out with my hand to yank a handful of pine needles from a tree. I brought them under my nose, enjoying their strong scent. "It's very confusing sometimes," I admitted after a moment.
Jasper nodded, a pondering expression on his face. "You're not confused now," he stated. "Actually, you're quite serene. More calm than you have been in a while."
I shrugged again, wondering what he was trying to say. His words made me probe the state of mind I was in, and I realized that he was right.
"Why do you think that is?" Jasper asked.
My answer was spontaneous but hesitant at the same time. "It's easy to be with you," I mused.
"Why?"
"Because it's comfortable. I don't have to think about my emotions when I'm in your company. I don't have to explain myself to you. " I knew Jasper could manipulate my emotions, but I started to wonder if he also had the ability to manipulate my lips. My own honesty confused me.
"Do you feel the need to think about your emotions when you're with someone else?" he asked. "Or do you need to control them?"
"I don't know," I answered. "Maybe. A little."
"How about Carlisle?" Jasper asked. "Doesn't he understand how you feel? Do you have to explain yourself to him?"
I thought it for a while, realizing that there was no simple answer to his question.
"It's not that he wouldn't understand how I feel," I ruminated. "Because I think he does, most of the time. And if he doesn't, he really wants to."
Jasper glanced at me. "How does it show?"
I started to feel like I was having a session with a shrink or something. I didn't know where Jasper was headed with his questions. But I didn't want to insult him, so I went with it. Maybe he was just concerned.
"Because he really makes an effort," I answered. "If he notices that I'm upset, he won't be comfortable until he knows what's wrong."
"Does he ever force you to tell what's wrong?"
I shook my head. "No. Not at all." The tips of my fingers brushed against a huge, ancient pine as I walked. "He never forces me," I explained. "And... I guess I'm taking advantage of it sometimes. I know it's not fair to him."
Jasper's golden eyes studied me. "Then why do you do it?"
I opened my mouth to give him an answer, but realized that I didn't have a good one. And I also realized that maybe there never was a good reason to make the other worry, especially when that other one cared about you.
Jasper studied me for a moment as I tried to form an answer I didn't have. He gazed at the sky before steering his gaze forward again. Again he changed the subject, and I had a feeling that he didn't need to hear my answer. Maybe his only motive was to get me to think.
"Bella," he said, gazing at the trees around us as we walked, now even slower than before. "When you look at me, what do you see?"
I quirked my brow in surprise, glancing at his face. His tall form forced me to tilt my head to see him completely.
"Well," I mumbled, saying the things that first came to my mind about him. "You're strong," I pondered. "Not just in body, but in mind as well. And you're fearless."
A small smile quirked the side of his lips. "I thank you for the compliments," he said, "but what I meant was that when you look at me, what do you see?"
I raised my brow again, studying his eyes that were now searching mine. "You mean what I actually see?" I asked. "Visually?"
He nodded.
I gazed at him again for a while, my eyes studying his form but I didn't say anything out loud at first. I studied his fair hair, a shade or two darker than Carlisle's was... I studied the strong muscles beneath his shirt and realized that even though everything about this man shouted strength and authority, there was gentleness beneath all that. It just didn't show very much and often, and I wondered if those soft feelings were saved for Alice only.
The scars were the most dominant feature in him - visually. It made him look dangerous and unsafe. And if I hadn't know him any better, I would have probably thought of him as unsafe.
Jasper's hand rose to his face, as if he had known what I was thinking. The tip of his forefinger touched one of the scars amongst the hundreds of others.
Without waiting for my answer to his previous question, he asked another one.
"When you see the scars on my skin, what do you think?" he asked.
"Nothing in particular," I answered honestly. "Not anymore. I'm used to them - I barely notice them now."
"What did you use to think?" he asked. "When you first saw them, what was in your mind then?"
I thought back at those first few seconds after I had woken up from my transformation. I had been afraid - even the air around Jasper had exuded danger.
I told this to him and he nodded, not taking any offence in my words. Maybe he was used to it that everyone were afraid of him.
"So your conclusion is that you're not bothered by them?" he asked. "Don't they make you feel uncomfortable?"
I shook my head. "No. Not anymore." I took a deep breath, smelling the upcoming rain in the air. "I think that they are telling a story," I mused. "They tell that you've been through something that not many can endure. And I think that they strengthen you - your personality."
"Are you saying that they define me?" Jasper asked. I couldn't interpret his tone, and he wasn't meeting my gaze.
"No," I hurried to explain, worried that I had offended him. "I didn't mean it like that. They don't determine who you are as a person - what I mean was that... " I shook my head, my words and thoughts getting tangled together.
Jasper sensed my anguish.
"It's alright," he soothed. "You haven't hurt my feelings. I know what you're trying to say." He stopped his walking, waiting for me to stop as well.
I stopped a few paces ahead of him, giving him a glance.
"What I'm trying to say," he continued, meeting my eyes boldly, "is that if you feel that my scars don't define me, then why do you let yours define you?"
The earlier wind that had carried the scents of rain quieted. It was very silent as Jasper let his words hover in the air. The silence didn't bother him. He was still gazing at me in the eye with no shyness or reserve.
I avoided his fearless eyes, letting mine roam over the thousands of scars covering his face and neck, arms and hands... There were so much of them.
"Carlisle told you," I breathed, not knowing if I should be offended or ashamed. Angered or annoyed. The matter felt so personal, and he had told Jasper about it.
Why?
Jasper studied me with his gaze, probing the chaos of emotions in me. I was tempted to ask him how I felt - he might know it better than me. He would know it better than me.
"Carlisle worries," he answered eventually. "He didn't tell me about it to violate your privacy."
I felt a sting of guilt, and I welcomed it.
Jasper kept studying me with his golden eyes. I studied the ground with mine. When I didn't say anything, he started to speak again. With every word I felt more guilty, even when I knew that it probably wasn't his intention.
"He thought that perhaps I can understand how you feel about the matter," he explained. "I can't hide my scars. I see them every time I take a glance at the mirror. One time it was something I regretted. That they were permanent and impossible to erase. And it wasn't just about the way they looked - they were ugly, yes, but what distressed me the most was the reason behind them. The origin of those scars."
I raised my eyes to meet his.
"On the surface of my skin, I bet there's one scar for each life I've taken," he mused. The glimmer in his eyes died, and for a moment the expression on his face was hollow. But soon determination stepped in its place. "Every time I see a scar on my skin, and that is often, I remember what I've done. What I've left behind. I remember what I've walked away from. It gives me sorrow, because I understand how many years I wasted. How many other lives I wasted." He waited until I nodded.
"But it also gives me tenacity to stay who I am," he stated. "That's why their appearance doesn't bother me anymore. Do you understand?"
I nodded mutely.
Jasper searched me carefully with his gaze. "And about the apperance of the scars... When I asked you earlier what you see in me, you wouldn't have even mentioned the scars if I hadn't guided you towards it. You enumerated qualities, traits, strengths... But the scars, the most dominant part of my appearance, you left out without hesitation. Why did you?"
I studied an ant on the ground. It carried a stone that seeemed far too huge for it to carry. "Because I didn't notice them."
Jasper was silent for a long time. "Do you fear that Carlisle notices them?" he asked, knowingly hitting the most sensitive spot. "When he looks at you, do you fear that the scars are the only thing he sees?"
The ant kept carrying the stone. I closed my eyes.
"I guess," I answered.
I didn't see Jasper, but I could hear the gentleness in his voice.
"I know it's hard," he said. "And I'm speaking to you about this because I have an idea of the place you are in right now. The difference between your experiences and mine is probably pretty huge. I'm not saying that I understand you completely and better than anyone - not even with my gift to sense your emotions. That's not what I'm sayin'."
I nodded again, opening my eyes. "I know."
"Good," he said, and even smiled a bit. "And you should talk to Carlisle about this. Not because I tell you to do so, and not because you feel that you owe it to him. You should do it because it would do good for the both of you."
I let out a breath. Words of promise played on my lips, but I held them back. Carlisle was the one needing my promises - Jasper didn't want or need to hear them.
Instead I just nodded. "Thanks, Jasper."
A side of his mouth rose to a smile again.
We didn't make our way back to the house just yet. We strolled around the woods for another hour, and meanwhile I started to pelt Jasper with questions about his theories concerning the situation.
"I have many theories," Jasper stated. "None of them satisfy me."
"I heard Carlisle and Eleazar speculating if Victoria has more pawns we don't know about," I revealed.
Jasper nodded. "It's a possibility. But so far we haven't had any reasons to believe that just yet. Why would these Victoria's unknown pawns start assisting her now, only after we managed to free you? Why weren't they in it from the start?"
I shrugged, saying that it had been Carlisle's idea. I kept asking questions, knowing that Jasper would be probably more willing to reveal information to me than anyone else.
"What about the Volturi?" I asked. "Have you thought about the problem they represent?"
"Constantly," Jasper said, giving a joyless laugh.
I hesitated before asking the next question, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
"Will it come to a fight?"
Jasper quirked his brow at me. "With the Volturi? I doubt it - it would be plain idiotic to aggravate them. We should avoid it as well as we are able."
"Would we lose?" I asked.
"Yes. Definitely," Jasper answered outright. "Their number is much bigger than ours. They have the most skillful vampires that exist in our world. The gifts they possess..." Jasper shook his head. "If there will be a fight, it won't be with the Volturi. And, well, if it is," Jasper paused to glance at me, "we are pretty much done for."
"Carlisle wouldn't take that risk," I mused. "Even if Victoria's capture depended on it, he wouldn't anger the Volturi. Don't you think?"
Jasper frowned. "Carlisle has always been a pacifist," he brooded. "But there's only so much that a man of his kind can accept. As to answer your question, I would say that Carlisle won't take the risk and go against the Volturi. He might do it if it was only his life at stake. But he wouldn't sacrifice the rest of us that way. Regardless how angry he is."
I studied Jasper's expression. "He is quite angry, isn't he?"
Jasper sneered softly. "You have no idea," he said quietly. "He won't let this one go. Not ever. He won't rest until Victoria is stopped." He turned to me then, a curious glimmer in his irises. "You're very enthusiastic," he noted. "Inquisitive."
I shrugged. "I just want to be prepared," I explained. "I know Carlisle tries to shield me from everything as well as he can, but I want to be aware of the situation. And I want to help. If it comes to a fight - with Victoria, with Laurent, with those three remaining pawns... I want to do my part. That's all."
"Is that all?" Jasper asked suggestively. I could see that he was both amused and serious. I opened my mouth, taking in a deep breath.
"I want you to teach me," I blurted out. "How to fight."
Jasper gazed at the dimmening sky. "Hold your horses," he said, smiling swiftly. "We don't even know if there will be a fight."
"But you said it yourself," I pointed out. "Carlisle won't let this one go. And admit it - you're waiting for something to happen. If the Volturi hadn't gotten difficult, there's no way that you would have come back in the middle of the chase."
Jasper cocked his head to the side, wordlessly admiting that I was right. He was silent for several minutes, and I tried to stay patient as I waited for him to answer my request.
But I wasn't patient; I simply lacked that quality.
"So?" I queried. "How's it gonna be? Will you teach me?"
"Why me?" he asked with a curious smile. "Why don't you ask someone else?"
I rolled my eyes. "Isn't it obvious?" I asked. "You know the most about these things. You know how to fight. Sure I could ask Emmett, but I think his fighting style might be based more on strength than tactics." I paused, noting that Jasper seemed to agree with me. "And," I went on, "I'm still practically a newborn. I might not be as strong as I was in the winter, but I'm still stronger than most. I could be useful."
Jasper cocked his head again. "True," he admitted, his expression ruminative.
"The shield I have is pretty useless," I went on, sighing. "Even if I could control it properly."
"It's not useless," Jasper disagreed. "The ability to block mental intruders is quite impressive. And not many can sense presences without seeing or hearing them. Or smelling them." He was silent for a while, his eyes studying the darknening sky. Soon a raindrop landed on his cheek. "I'll think about it," he promised.
I wanted to have trust in his words. And I hoped that he wouldn't think of me as incompetent, as someone who needed protecting. He would know in an instant if I started hesitating or doubting myself, and so I summoned one of the strongest memories from the dark corners of my heart.
Victoria's eyes flamed in that memory. But not as fervently as I had flamed; the anger the memory caused nearly consumed me, making me forget that I didn't live in that moment right now.
"I'll save your beloved Carlisle for last."
The memory still affected me - it always would. That memory made me angry, and that anger made me fearless.
"Don't let it control you."
Jasper's voice penetrated into my consciousness. I turned to him, slightly confused.
"The anger," he said. "It can make you strong, but it can also make you weak. It's easy to lose focus while you're angry." He paused for a while, and I wondered if he was lost in a memory of his own. "I suppose you have to find a way to balance it. Otherwise you won't gain anything from it."
It was all he said during the walk back to the house.
When we got back, Alice had returned with Kate and Tanya. She danced towards us as we emerged from the woods with Jasper. Her energetic steps caused me to believe that maybe she had managed to seek some clarity during her 'break' as Jasper had called it. At least she seemed more relaxed than earlier, but even so she didn't have any news to tell us. Her visions concerning Victoria and Laurent still evaded her, but what she could tell us was that apparently the Volturi had lost Victoria's trace again.
I glanced at Jasper to find out if it was a good thing or not.
He frowned, and I couldn't be sure if he knew it either. At this point I didn't know what kind of a turn would be good for us. If the Volturi caught Victoria, it meant that she wouldn't get to be free any longer. With Chelsea's powers she would be tied to the Volturi forever, and as much as the thought of her enduring an eternity in a place she disliked pleased me, I had to admit that the thought of seeing her as a pile of ashes pleased me more.
I had never considered myself as a violent person. Going through this kind of emotions was a bit unsettling. It made me remember Jasper's earlier words. Don't let it control you, he had said.
But I had to admit that I was a bit tempted to let it control me.
It appeared that there was nothing wrong with Alice's inner eye.
During the next afternoon, she had a vision. That vision made Carlisle pondering, Eleazar quietly pleased, and Emmett extremely disappointed. He left the house with vigorous steps, banging the back door closed so hard that it broke to splinters.
"Demetri interrogated him," Alice said after Emmett had stormed out, "but he found out nothing. He was useless to them."
It appeared that the Volturi had decided to divide their group. The other half had searched for Victoria and Laurent while the rest had managed to track down the vampire who had left earlier to complicate the search. And they had found him - it hadn't taken long.
"Was it Demetri who killed him?" Carlisle asked.
Alice shook her head. "Felix," she answered, "after Jane had tried to make him more... willing to be useful."
Jasper snorted humourlessly.
Two of Victoria's pawns were now dead. Two down, two left.
But the other two could be anywhere. Alice couldn't see them even if she tried, and I had heard Eleazar and Jasper speculating if someone should leave back to Ontario to search for any remaining traces of them.
"If we search the mainland around the island where Bella was being held," Jasper had said, "it's possible that we can find a weak trace if the rain hasn't washed everything away."
Eleazar had agreed, but so far no decisions had been made. I was sure that Emmett would leave gladly. He'd grasp at any chance to do something instead of staying idle and waiting for something else to happen.
I heard him overthrowing a tree somewhere in the forest. Even though another one of Victoria's pawns was dead, the thought didn't please him. He had wanted to be the one in action instead of receiving the news of the man's fate from Alice.
"Who of the Volturi are participating in the search?" Carlisle asked.
"In addition to Jane, Demetri and Felix," Jasper answered, "there were Alec and Santiago. I think that also Afton was there at some point - I saw him only once. Or then he was there constantly, but he was using his shield."
"He was there," Eleazar confirmed, glancing at my confused frown. "Afton possesses a shield that can make him invisible," he explained to me.
I tried not to be jealous of his gift - it would be cool to be invisible.
"I wonder how long they can keep this up," Carlisle pondered. He was standing in front of the window once again, looking outside into the rainy afternoon. "Most of their talented members are chasing Victoria. I wonder what happens if their presence is required elsewhere in the world at some point."
"Maybe Aro comes down from his tower and deals with those problems himself," Tanya suggested. There was something mocking in her tone, and it made me wonder if the three most important members of the Volturi left Italy very often. It seemed that they didn't differ from Victoria that much in that area - both parties liked to make their subordinates do the dirty work while they themselves lurked in the shadows.
I wondered how much longer Victoria decided to lurk. Even with her gift to sense the danger, someone had to get her cornered at some point. She couldn't keep this up forever.
Could she?
Later in the evening, I asked Alice's opinion about it when we were private. She had asked me to come with her to pick up flowers to decorate the house. It wasn't difficult to guess who was the one choosing the flowers, and who was the one simply tagging along.
Alice considered my question, and it was slightly unsettling to see Alice so unsure about herself.
"The situation seems difficult," she stated. "I guess she can keep this up as long as she wants. We don't know how much of a head start she already has, and when the Volturi manage to track her down, she senses it and runs away."
Her words dispirited me slightly. "Well it seems that no one knows how to quit, then," I noted with a joyless chuckle.
"Of course not," Alice shrugged. "The Volturi's deciveness is nothing compared to ours. Their chase is motivated by greed, but ours is fueled by something so much more."
"Revenge," I mused.
"It's about so much more than just revenge, Bella," Alice corrected. "And don't pick the yellow ones."
"What?" I asked, glancing at the bundle of flowers in my hands.
"No yellow ones," she repeated. "The theme is purple and blue for today."
I continued picking up the flowers, mutely rolling my eyes. Alice and her color themes.
I cleared my throat quietly, deciding to speak before I chickened out.
"The vision you saw earlier," I began. "About Victoria's pawn. What did he look like?"
Alice glanced at me, bringing a bluebell under her nose. "Why do you want to know if it doesn't make a difference?" she asked.
I frowned at her confusedly.
"That's what you said a few days ago," she explained. "That you can't distinguish every one them."
I searched for words, wondering how to explain my emotions. "It's not that I'm not able to tell the difference between them," I mused. "I guess I could, to some extent at least."
"But?"
I shrugged. I didn't want her to know how much remembering them bothered me. "I don't like to think about it," I murmured. "About them."
I didn't see Alice's expression, but her voice was sympathetic. "What compelled you to ask about it, then?"
I shook my head, idly wondering if there was a masochist living somewhere inside of me. "I don't know."
Alice was silent for a while. She picked up another bluebell from the ground, studying the small flower with her gaze. "Dark hair," she described her vision. "Angled jawline." At this point she glanced at me, quirking her brow. "Do you know his name?"
I shook my head. "At least it wasn't Milo. His face was more round."
Why had I memorized their features? What compelled me to remember everything so accurately, even though I didn't want to?
I blinked away the images of sharp teeth and rough fingers. Those memories didn't require an eyesight, but they were the strongest memories of them all.
Alice's voice drew me back from the dark room.
"Felix killed someone else then," she said. She gave me a concerned glance, but I pretended I didn't notice. "Maybe Evan?" she suggested.
I shook my head again. "I can't be sure. I'm not sure who of them he was."
Alice nodded at my answer, and we continued picking up the flowers in silence. The topic was left to that then, and I was mostly relieved, even though I had been the one to start the conversation. I guess the masochist in me was satiesfied for now.
Alice's eyes went blank all of a sudden. Her grip around the flowers loosened, but she didn't drop the bunch. Then she blinked, a small frown furrowing her brow.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Carlisle's looking for you," Alice answered. "He wants to talk to you."
"About what?" I asked.
Alice only shrugged, and I had a sudden feeling that she knew but didn't want to tell me.
I made my way out of the small meadow, steering my steps into the woods. We hadn't gone too far from the house, and it only took a few minutes to run the distance from the meadow to the cream-colored building.
As I arrived to the backyard, I noted that the house that had been full of life and sounds during the past days was now awfully quiet. I wondered where everyone had gone. Was Carlisle even here? Surely Alice would have said if he was somewhere else besides the house.
A quiet intake of breath sounded from the fourth floor, telling me that he indeed was inside. I walked through the hole that had once been a back door - no one had fixed it after Emmett's fit - and walked to the staircase.
I found Carlisle from the hallway of the fourth floor. He was standing in front of the door of his study, his golden eyes fixed upon the old wooden cross his father had made centuries ago. I stopped beside him, slightly confused because he didn't turn to look at me.
He barely acknowledged me. There was no reassuring smile playing on his lips, no soft touch on my shoulder like usually. I waited in silence, wondering if something had happened.
"Where is everyone?" I asked when the seconds started to feel like hours.
Carlisle drew in a deep breath, his eyes still on the wooden cross that hung on the wall. "Hunting," he answered. Then he lowered his gaze, the line of his jaw tensing momentarily.
I was just about to ask him what was wrong when he finally turned to me. He held out his hand, urging me to take it. His expression was still oddly serious, not even a hint of a smile on his face.
I took his hand, suddenly very nervous.
He led me to the large bedroom with blue walls. The same familiar, comforting blue walls. Then he let go of my hand and all those things disappeared. No familiarity, no comfort.
"Would you sit down for a moment?" Carlisle requested. His voice was calm, but his eyes were still somber.
"Why?" I asked, trying not to let the worry overcome me. Millions of thoughts were rushing through my mind, none of them pleasant. I didn't want to sit down.
"Please," he asked again. "Sit down for a while."
And I sat. On the blue bed, noting that he didn't sit down next to me like he usually did.
Carlisle started pacing. He had done a lot of that during the past days, and it shouldn't have caused any surprise in me anymore. His fingers rose to rub his jaw in a very human-like manner. There was nervousness in that gesture. Unease.
Then he stopped. He turned to me again, locking his gaze with me.
"I had a conversation with Jasper recently," he began, his voice oddly tight.
I drew in a small breath, realizing that I hadn't breathed in several minutes.
"Yeah?" I asked, now knowing that something he had discussed with Jasper had upset him.
Carlisle let out a trembling breath, running a hand through his hair. He paced again, then stopped directly ahead of me.
"Bella," he said, speaking very slowly. "Is it true that you asked him to teach you how to fight?"
I blinked. Then I had a sudden urge to laugh out loud, so relieved I was. Now I understood why he seemed so upset.
I let out a breath, chuckling shortly. "Yeah," I admitted. Nothing else could fit into my mind in that moment, only the fact that nothing bad had happened. "It's true."
Carlisle's eyes flared. He wasn't openly angry - not too much at least - and he didn't raise his voice or something of the sort. But everything about him was rigid and tense, allowing me to see that he was extremely upset.
"Bella." He ground his teeth. "I have only one question to ask from you. What were you thinking? Were you born without any common sense?"
"That was two questions, actually," I remarked, earning a glare from him. He waited silently until my small smile fell, and then he crouched in front of me, laying his hands on my shoulders. He looked at me for a long time, as though he was unable to find the words to describe his feelings. He opened his mouth to speak, only to close it with a frustrated huff.
"Why?" he finally managed to ask.
I took a deep breath, trying to sound reasonable. "Why not?" I asked. "It's clear that something is about to happen sooner or later. And I want to be ready. I want to help."
Carlisle shook his head already before I had finished my sentence.
"This isn't something you should get involved with," he said, his gaze stern.
"I already am involved with it, aren't I," I answered with a joyless chuckle.
"What I meant was that you should leave it to us. We will do what is needed," Carlisle explained.
I sighed, shaking Carlisle's hands off my shoulders and taking them in my grip instead. "Look," I explained, trying to make him calm down. "The situation is what it is. We can't go back to how everything used to be. Victoria is somewhere out there right now, and it's something we can't ignore."
"We certaintly are not ignoring it," Carlisle answered. "We will solve everything once the time presents itself. And when it does, I'll make sure that you are nowhere near the danger."
Frustration flared over me. I shook my head, trying to calm my breathing. "This isn't just about me," I stated, stressing every word. "I'm not the only one at risk. Everyone of you are. It's all part of Victoria's plan. She won't give up until we're all dead. Not just me."
Carlisle shook his head. "It won't happen, I assure you. If the Volturi won't find her, we will."
"I'll come with you," I demanded.
Carlisle met my gaze without a blink. His only answer was as demanding as my own words had been.
"No."
I closed my eyes, silently counting to ten. Carlisle's fingers pressed against the skin of my hands. When I felt patient enough again, I opened my eyes, finding the same, ever determined golden eyes staring into mine.
"Why won't you let me help?" I asked. "I admit that I don't know much about fighting. But I still have some newborn strength left, and it might last at least a few more months. And if I learn to control my shield, maybe it can prove to be useful in some situations." Carlisle didn't stop my flow of words, only continued silently gazing into my eyes. "Jasper could teach me," I added. "I want to help."
It was silent again. Carlisle waited for a while as if to make sure I didn't have anything more to say. Then he started to speak, the earlier rigor changing into restlessness.
"Bella," he said quietly. "It is out of the question. I will not risk you that way - not ever. When we were searching for you, I made an oath to God Himself that I find you alive, I will protect you better. This is something I won't be negotiating about."
I ground my teeth. When was he going to realize that it wasn't just about me, about my welfare, about my future? Everyone else were at risk as much as I was. Victoria's revenge wouldn't face its end until everyone of us were dead.
"What about the others?" I asked, trying not to let the hurt show in my voice. "Alice will leave and do what is needed and Jasper allows it. Rosalie will leave, Carmen will leave..." I swallowed. "No one's going to stop them from fighting if comes to that. What makes you think that they are capable, but I'm not?"
Carlisle let out a breath. "It's not about being capable," he murmured.
"Then what? What is it about?"
Carlisle stared over my shoulder, not meeting my gaze. The look in his eyes was suddenly tormented.
"You don't know what you're asking of me," he said very quietly.
"I do," I answered. I pushed his hands away from mine, bolting up from the bed. Carlisle nearly flinched at my sudden movement, straightening from his crouch.
"I know what I'm asking of you," I continued, trying not to yell at him. I didn't know if I was successful. "I know it because you're asking the very same thing from me. You're asking me to stay behind and stand by when everyone I care about are risking their lives."
Carlisle still didn't meet my gaze.
"I know where I've come from, okay?" I continued, trying to keep my voice stable. "I know how much I can stand. And that place..." I paused to take a breath. "The place where I was all those weeks is nothing compared to the knowledge that something bad happens to someone. To you."
Carlisle reached out with his hand. The gesture was appeasing, but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the calm he wanted me to feel. All the stress and anguish of the past weeks started to build up inside of me, creating something vicious and grim.
"You think that I'm weak," I nearly hissed. "You think that I'm not capable of anything!"
In that moment, there was no part in my mind that didn't believe my own words. And there was no part in my mind to believe that maybe it wasn't Carlisle thinking me as incapable. That maybe those words described my own feelings instead that they described Carlisle's. But those things didn't occur to me then. My mind was overrun by something dark, something that consisted of degrading words and sharp teeth. The stabbing memories blended together until I couldn't tell the difference between any of them anymore.
"Bella, that is not true," Carlisle disagreed. He reached out with his hand again, but I felt myself flinching away from him as if the touch of his hand had burned.
"Why else you won't let me do anything," I fumed. "Why else do you keep whispering with Eleazar and try to hide everything from me. You think that I can't handle it - you think that I'm so weak-minded that I can't be told anything." Bitter, nonexistent tears were stinging in my eyes. Black and red spots danced in front of my vision, and it made me wonder if a vampire could have a mental breakdown.
"It is not because I think that you are weak," Carlisle stated. "I'm trying to shield you from everything because I want to protect you! You've been through enough, and I loathe even the though of you having to endure anything else."
"Then don't make me endure anything else," I demanded. My fingernails dug to my skin, and I felt peculiarly short of breath. My lungs craved the air I didn't need. "Don't force me to stand by and watch everyone of you leaving one by one to chase Victoria. You can't force me to watch when you leave! It's not right that I have to stay behind to see that and - "
"We're not leaving," Carlisle cut me off. "Not permanently. If we leave, we will come back - I will come back. And I will keep you safe, even if that is the last thing I do, because I love you."
"But damn it! I love you!"
The words rushed out of my mouth like a tidal wave, like surges of water crash against the rocks in a storm, unstoppable and unable to slow down in their hurry; they hit the rocks with full force, drops of water scattering all around.
That's how I felt now; scattered.
The tips of my fingers raised to my lips, as if to search the words that had escaped my mouth a second earlier. I couldn't find them - they were already in the air.
During all these months spent together, I had come to know Carlisle. I had achieved the ability to read his tone, his expressions, the quick glimmer in his eyes; every one of those things meant something, and usually I knew what.
But now, the current expression on his face was a foreign one. I didn't know this expression. I hadn't seen it before.
It was like seeing all the expressions of astonishment, surprise and incredulity combined. His bewilderment was reflected in his eyes of endless gold, his surprise drawn on his pale red lips that were slightly parted; the words of protest had died on his lips before they had been even formed. They had been slain by my own words of declaration. Words he had never heard before, words I should have said to him a long time ago.
They were only words, and they had been spoken in an outburst of negative emotions. They were just simple three words - nothing more, nothing less.
And yet, they seemed to be everything.
Carlisle's sudden smile was shaky. He reached out with his hand again, and this time I didn't pull away.
The tips of his fingers brushed my shoulder, as if to make sure that I was here. To make sure that it had been me voicing those words.
My fingers were warm against my lips. The warmth was simple. Comforting. There was nothing complicated about it. Unlike my state of mind; I expected remorse to come and fill me, to wash me away with bitter regret. Those three words - those three, forbidden words that I had never said out loud to him - surely would be my ruin. Nothing good ever came from those words.
I knew what to expect, but the expected didn't happen.
Because suddenly, there was no remorse. No regret, no bitterness... It was unfamiliar. There were only those three words spoken by my lips, and there were only Carlisle's golden eyes, burning with emotion. The air escaped his mouth with a loud exhale, as if he was extremely in wonderment about something.
And then, he closed the short distance between us with one fuild step, pulling me flush against his body and pressing his lips to mine.
There was exultation in that kiss. Joy, so pure and genuine, that I needed to rejoice with him. The reason for that joy was known by the both of us, and it had been known for some time. But it was as though something was different now - could those three simple words change so much, and yet have everything stay the same? Could hearing those three simple words have such a huge importance to him, to the both of us? Nothing was different, and still everything was.
Love. I felt it. I embraced it. My lips savored the taste of it. I had known of it for a long time, but it was as though I had just discovered it.
I wondered how it was for him. Did he feel like he had discovered something new as well? Had he known of my love for him, my love I had never put to words?
Carlisle's lips left mine, and I felt a short moment of hollowness. But then his mouth caressed my cheek, then the other. It was as though he couldn't make those affectionate kisses cease. As though something compelled him to caress my skin with tender touches.
I didn't complain.
Golden eyes were watching me. There was warmth in their depths, that everlasting warmth that rarely disappeared. His eyes were smiling, and I took a glance to see if that was the case with his lips, too.
The sides of his mouth were quirked. There was emotion in that small smile. Emotion, amazement and wonderment. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He just stood there, looking abashed, with that same smile on his face, that same warmth in his eyes.
And then he kissed me again.
AN: Emmett's words: "Maybe it's not about what they decide. Maybe it's about what we decide. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. What if we are waiting for Alice to see something so we can leave, and she won't see anything because we won't really leave until she does see something."
are quoted from Stephenie Meyer's book Eclipse. It's not a direct quote since I modified the words a bit, but the idea is the same.
And oh. The huge, great, important, magnificent L-word. This is the first time Carlisle hears it from Bella, and that is huge. Of course he has been aware of her feelings towards him, but hearing her actually say it... it's huge.
I hope you enjoy, and I'm more than interested to hear your theories. Why can't Alice see Victoria and Laurent? Will the Volturi find them or will Carlisle get fed up and leave to hunt them himself?
