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Sesshomaru got up from the bed and wandered over to the window. He stared out at the mountains on the horizon just as Kagome had done such a short time before. With his long, straight back to her and the baby sleeping comfortably on the silken sheets like an angel beside her, she suddenly felt a terrible twist of fear clench in her heart, as she thought again on their uncertain future.
What was going to happen to them? Whatever that bitch does will change the shape of the future, and kami help them all for it definitely won't be good.
It was the last thing that she should be thinking about, now that she had her family were safe. In all fairness they should all be happy, but those questions swung round and round in her head like a carousel, without the solutions being known. He turned away from the view and caught his mate lost in thought as she stared idly at the infant. The hand on her cheek seemed to materialize out of thin air, it startled her and her body quivered slightly.
Momentarily, she lifted her head and gazed at his face, she saw concern and looked away from him. He made no move to touch her again since he could not understand the sudden change in her mood. As the depressing sensations consumed her, Kagome shook her head so that her inky black her hair tossed along her shoulders, loose strands escaped from the jade clips into which she had secured it before leaving with Sesshomaru that morning. She rubbed the back of one hand across her eyes while the other held on firmly to the hand on her cheek, in a vain attempt to drive away the despair that had seized her.
"Kagome," his gentle voice spoke her name.
"Yes," she whispered quietly, while the sting of unshed tears clouded her eyes. She tried to keep them at bay but her body trembled instead. He was mildly surprised at her state, he sensed the strong sensations of disquietude through their bond. The unsettling sensations was almost overwhelming. Quickly he turned her to him and gently shifted her chin up and looked deeply into her sad face and eyes; the emotions displayed their stunned him.
She looked pale and wan. The stress and sorrow of the last year had drained every last drop of pink from her cheeks, tears had dimmed the brightness of her eyes, and the set of her delicate features reflected the strain of the difficult birthing that she had endured just hours ago. The question in his mind was, how had he did not noticed her poor state of being? But then, Kagome was someone who would consider herself last, while making others comfortable even if it meant her unhappiness.
Still he should have known. Kagome was his mate and they had been through many terrible ordeals together, and in spite of it all she had grieved, bounced back and he was satisfied.
Deep down he knew that she was still wounded, he thought that with time she would heal; and she had to a certain degree, but some wounds cut so deep that even when the physical signs fade it still bled from within. The only cure was time, patience and love. The smile she eventually gave him was forced and he felt uneasy.
She never wanted to lie to him with her silence, but how could she tell him how she really felt when they all shared the same grief? Was her sorrow any greater than theirs? She had questioned herself then, the truth was that he should have been told. Maybe their lives could have continued as it was, but as she gazed at her sleeping baby, that act brought all her fears to the fore and she could not deny them any longer.
She looked like a pale reflection of herself, he was shocked at the realization. It was as if someone had painted her in diluted water colors. He knew that the birthing had been hard, and the subsequent blood loss had ravaged her body, but it was much more than that, her eyes were sunken and the spark faded. The brilliant blue that he recalled was almost gone.
"Kagome...?"
If the look of concern earlier had almost brought her to tears, then this change in his voice, one of sympathy and love, and his expression took the ground right from under her feet in seconds. It was just what she needed most, and yet what she most dreaded. It was what the weakness deep inside longed for, this level of concern and support. But could she really tell him how she felt all this time without looking weak and lessened in his eyes?
She had pushed him away once when she'd lost their baby and had cried and had become withdrawn, refusing to look at him, not only because she was hurting, but because she did not want him to see how weak and vulnerable their misfortune had made her. He was her mate, but she was also conscious of the fact that he despises weakness and that he wasn't always the most compassionate of beings.
And so she'd forced herself away from the temptation that had reached out to enclose her and pulled herself away from his touch. She felt the withdrawal in every inch of her, the terrible wrench in her heart as well as her body, and it made her blood turn icy cold as it prickled along her skin.
Gold eyes widened as he could feel her cold perception of him, he felt like an uncaring monster as his mate shied away from him. Without thought he gathered her close and felt her body shiver from his touch. The heat of his body surrounded her, the slightly musky scent of his skin tantalized her sensesThe feel of his warm lips on her cheek and the hand that stroked her back lulled the anxieties into a calm caressing whisper.
"Now," he said, the beautifully deep timbered voice rasping slightly on the word, "are you going to tell me what this is about?" A new wave of panic swept over her as he gazed into her upturned face and waited on her response.
Her lips quivered and brought with it the first silent tears. "I am scared, I have been so for quite some time," she managed, having to force her tongue to work.
Narrowed eyes assessed her own emphatically, because he already knew that. Kagome was one of the strongest and most giving person he has ever known, but even with those commanding attributes she was still a human with human tendencies, and ever so often he forgets. He saw her through demonic eyes and perceived her as thus.
Her eyes leveled with the fold at the neck of his yukata and looked straight at the smooth skin of his throat, she saw the the way the muscles tensed and released as he swallowed.
"Mate, just tell me what this is all about…All?"
The words were choked off; the breath snatched from Kagome's lungs as Sesshomaru pushed long clawed fingers under her chin and lifted it so that her eyes were now forced to meet the burn of his. "Before you tell me that nothing is wrong, then you should know that I will not believe you."
How had he known precisely what she had been about to say? Was he a mind reader now?
"Why not?" She asked pertubed about his flawless assessment of her nature.
He smirked and lowered his head, partially amused and partially worried. For a second as his head lowered she thought that he was actually going to kiss her, or that he might rest his forehead against hers as he'd used to do, as a gesture of easy affection when they first started to develop feelings for each other.
In fact, he paused just inches away from actual contact and instead clamped his hands over her shoulders, holding her tightly so that she could have no hope of moving while he whispered in her ear. "Because I know you and the way you behave…Stop this and tell me what worries you so woman!" He said none too gently and lifted her off the bed, just as the baby became restless. He strode quickly through the door and told the nurse as he left to take care of the baby.
Outdoors the evening breeze was warm and the sweet scent of flowers mingled with the air.
He sat with her on his lap and would not budge as she tried to leave his arms, twisting and turning, pushing at his chest. He was mildly amused, Kagome huffed and pouted then quieted when she had no other option. With silent contemplations she thought on the best way to tell him how she felt about him and their troubles, and the concerns she has of their unknown future. A hard fingertip brushed lightly over the shadows she knew were under her eyes, traced the lines that stress and sorrow had etched on her face.
"These give too much away. So what is it Kagome?"
She closed her eyes and took a deep cleansing breath of fresh air and prepared herself mentally to tell her mate her deepest thoughts and secrets. He felt as her body and mind calmed and finally he let her go, she stood up and took a few steps back. She faced him, however, her head hung low.
She sghed deeply and spoke softly. "Sesshomaru our time together, although short seems much longer because of all the hardships we faced, ours wasn't a traditional relationship, and there wasn't any time to really get to know each other. We were drawn together because of unusual circumstances, and while I am not complaining too much I wished our beginning was different."
He made a little sound of disapproval. That brought her head up, shadowed eyes met his sharply. He nodded, a gesture for to her to go on.
She gulped with unease, his eyes were just too penetrating, she shifted her head to break the contact and continued. "Your blood and your power flows within me, and yet we are still so different. I understand you…I think I do, but do you feel me, do you know me?"
Realization dawned slowly on him while she spoke, but he said nothing, he would wait until she was done.
She still could hardly believe that the demon in front of her belonged to her, he was her soul mate, but what does that mean or even do if they did not know or understand each other?
"I love you with everything that I am," she informed him, "you scare me, you excite me, and you fill me up with so much wonder and joy that I wouldn't trade one moment of our time together for all the riches in the world."
Sesshomaru did not move although he could hear the sadness in her voice. Still he kept his hooded gaze fixed on her lips as she spoke, so fiercely intent that she could almost feel its burn along the delicate skin of her mouth, drying them, drying her throat as nervousness threatened to topple her resolve. She had no other choice but to slick her tongue along her lips as the sensation became totally unbearable. Sesshomaru's consumption of her with his purposeful and gleaming golden eyes made her unsteady.
"When I lost our baby I was unhappy and scared…I was afraid that you would see me as weak and so I pushed you away. I did not want you to see me this way, to be less in your eyes. I wanted to be strong for you even when I was at my lowest."
Her head drooped and her eyes hit the ground as she mumbled out the rest of her speech. "I am afraid if I were to be weak, give in to my human nature you would hate me."
He stood up then and reached out a long limb to pull her close, she moved out of his reach and pinned him with a glossy glare instead. "I am not finished yet so please listen. I had to fight your mother, the council and your concubine just to prove my worth and you were pleased when I had been successful. "Is that all I am to you…Am I only by your side because of strength…Would you have wanted me if I had failed?"
The question shocked him to the core, but its meaning couldn't be any clearer. "Yes!" He answered immediately, his tone harsh and meaningful.
At that she breathed a sigh of relief and mumbled, "Great, that's what I thought."
"I love you." Sesshomaru's said softly, as he told Kagome his deepest emotions.
His confession she thought she heard but the words were blurred by the pounding of the blood through her veins, sounding like the thunder inside her head, it made her incapable of speech. It felt as if her tongue had grown heavy and her lips glued shut. Forcibly she removed the restraint on her tongue by her will so that the words just tumbled out in a rush, without giving her time to think whether they were really what she wanted to say or not.
"I kind of thought that you cared and that you might love me but deep down I still believed that you only wanted me by your side to help you save your race and to help you to take care of the children." Her tongue was loose while her hand rolled the hem of her kimono through nervous fingers.
"Oh Kami! Damn! Damn," she cursed quietly. Painfully aware of the way Sesshomaru watched her, the tall, silent, vigilant spectator who just stood up in front of her, golden eyes intent on every move she made. She dropped the end of the kimono from her hand and flew into his arms like a bird that sought its nest. She threw herself straight into the security of his arms, knowing that she would be sheltered and safe.
The hands at her back stroked it soothingly while firm lips met hers in a gentle kiss, the moment suspended as each delved into the sweet and intoxicating sensations. When they parted Sesshomaru guided Kagome back to the seat, it was his turn to speak.
"I am sorry Kagome, it is so easy to forget that you are human, and I say that as a compliment to your person."
Kagome smiled and responded. "I know," and forced her still tired eyes wide open and met his bronze stare head on.
His brows seemed darker, thicker, maybe that was because it was almost nighttime. And on either side of the straight slash of his nose amber eyes burned like molted gold fiercely intent on her face. "I thought you knew how I truly felt about you, my heart would be incapable of beating without you…You are this one's heart." Kagome giggled with joy and kissed his cheek.
"Ashiteru Kagome, and if I never tell you again never doubt it. I am not very affectionate and I realized that you yearn for my affections and so I will try. Do not fear me, and if I could hate you for having human emotions then I would be a fool because you are human, so that notion is without merit."
The unsavory thoughts disappeared like a howl carried away by the wind and Kagome felt at peace. She rest her head on her mate's shoulder just in time to hear him say. "Let us put the unpleasantness behind us and look to a future of our own design."
His words brought her back to one fear that will not be so easily defeated with kind words. 'A future of our own design.' The powerful message twirled around in her thoughts and she sighed deeply with the enormity of the task.
"Sesshomaru, I need to find Shippo, he must be worried sick about me, he doesn't know where I am."
She couldn't allow herself to think of not having him around for much longer. He was the first child that she had raised and she considered him her son.
Sesshomaru understood his mate sentiments towards the fox youkai and so without any reservation he told her. "I will go in search of him in the morning.
The baby wakes and wailed, alerting both parents to her needs. Even though the nurse was with her they got up immediately, he held Kagome's hand as they walked the short distance back to the house. Tomorrow they would talk about the future and in time devise a plan to save both of their species.
