Alliance
I don't even know how I went through the rest of the day. Matt threw my guitar away, I was making a real effort not to think about what David had told me… but sometimes it was impossible. Matt was always trying to make me eat, but just the smell of food make me nauseated… I didn't see night coming, I only realized it when I put my pajamas on and Matt came to kiss me goodnight. I couldn't sleep, David's voice, the sound of the guitar being smashed were echoing in the room. And tears kept coming... After what seemed about 2 hours of unsuccessful attempts to sleep, I gave up. I got up and went to Matt's room. I remembered what David had shouted at my face, what I'd do if Matt wasn't my brother. I put away that though, that was sick. I knocked the door and got in. The dim light was coming in through the window, I saw his outline raising his head and the rusky voice…
"Anne?"
"Matt... can I sleep here with you?"
I immediately remembered those days when I was little and had a nightmare, or when there was a thuderstorm and I was scared, I came running to Matt's room and asked that same question... I guess he remembered it too. He lifted his blanket.
"Of course, little sis..."
I lay down next to him and he covered me with the blanket. He caressed my hair until I fall asleep. And I finally did.
Next day, I went for a walk, I had to get some air, and when I passed by David's house, I saw Andrew in the car, listening to music. I decided I couldn't postpone that anymore, I went there.
"Hi Andrew."
His voice was sharp. He didn't look at me.
Hi Anne.
"Are you… okay?"
He smirked, but still didn't look at me.
"Everything is great… My brother doesn't even look at me, but apart from that, everything is just great.
"Andrew..."
I didn't even have strength to say anything. He didn't let me continue.
"Why didn't you tell me, Anne? I had no idea there was something between you and David, if I did, I'd never do this to him!"
"I couldn't tell you, Andrew..."
"Fine, but at least you could have stopped what we were doing! You knew it was wrong, but I didn't! Now David is not talking to me!"
I tried to start a speech about how miserable I was feeling, that I didn't do it on purpose, but first, I didn't wanna be the "poor girl", which I was definitely not, and second, I knew I wouldn't be able to start everything again.
"Drew, you can be mad at me, I was going to apologize millions of times, but I can't apologize anymore, in fact, I can't do anything anymore... If you want to forgive me, I'll aprecciate it, one less Cook hating me... but if you can't... if you can't, I don't know what to think anymore Andrew..."
I didn't even know what I was talking about anymore, I was out of my mind, I was like another person using my body to talk, I wanted to go back to my bed...
I guess he realized I was miserable.
"Dave must have given you a hard time, huh?"
"I deserved much more, actually..."
He should have smashed the guitar on my head, I thought.
"Fine, Anne... I guess you're feeling bad enough, you don't need another person angry with you… we're okay."
I smiled a little bit.
"Thanks, Andrew."
I felt relieved, I don't know if I could take another fight.
I went back to my room and stared at the ceiling again. I considered going after David, telling him he was wrong when he said all those terrible things to me, that he was too altered… but then, his words came back to my mind, and I realized I deserved each one of them… only now I could see how unfair I was, how selfish I was… He was right, when he was thinking about me, I was also thinking about me… I never tried to understand his side, I never thought he could be suffering, actually just now I could see that I never really thought about how HE might be feelling… All I knew was to say that I expected more from him, that everything HE did was wrong, and actually it was the opposite… How could I be like that, what did I turn into?
In what moment I became this monster, why the only thing I knew how to do was hurting the person I loved the most, what kind of person did I become? More than ever, I felt I didn't deserve him, he was too good for me, I couldn't even understand why he had waisted so much time with me... now everything was rushing back, he went to Brazil after me, just to prove his innocence and not to leave me with a bad impression of him, and I didn't even want to hear what he had to say… I judged him for what I saw, he went all the way there just for me and I didn't give him a chance to explain… Actually, all I knew how to do was to judge him all the time…
I didn't want to think anymore, tears were Rolling down, I was feeling more and more angry, more disgusted with myself, I didn't recognize myself anymore, I turned into a horrible person... I knew it was too late to change for him to forgive me, I knew I didn't deserve him, but I tried to convince myself that it was not too late it was not too late to change myself, so more people wouldn't suffer because of my selfishness, to try to be a better person... I confess I was relieved for realizing all of this, for not thinking I was the center of the universe anymore, that I was not right all the time… Unfortunately, I realized it too late, I had to lose David…
