Thanks to A. Serpico for reviewing.
Christie POV
"And here we are."
When doing a kidney transplant the surgeon left the old not- working kidney(s) where they were. And put the new one by the groin. Which was why, now getting a check- up for my new kidney on Monday the eleventh of June. Four months and four days after the transplant laid on a hospital bunk while the doctor held a sonogram transducer towards my thigh while he hm'd at what he saw.
"So, what do you think doc?" I asked after a while, only to get some kind of news. I could tell nothing from the look on his face. "Am I dying again?" I could hear my Aunt Carole gasp from right behind me. "Oh shut up. You know it could happen."
"Actually no. I don't think you're dying again." The doctor put away the sonogram machine and sat down next to me while I sat up on the bunk and pulled my pants up again. "I think it all works as good as it possibly could. And as you know, we've run some tests as well. And you're going to have to keep on doing those for the rest of your life but they all look as perfect as they possibly could. And you're free to go."
I got up and started leaving. Ignoring the doctor saying goodbye and whatever Carole was talking to him about. I knew he would say I had the next check-up in a month. And I knew I would keep on taking my medicines just like I had yesterday. And I knew that from a year after the transplant, if everything was working like it should the check-up would be down on every third month. And I knew that was the way it was going to be for the rest of my life.
And after all I knew it was going to happen here. My mum had finally had enough of dad, and she and Toby were moving here to Lima just as Toby had finished school for this year.
I didn't mind living at Aunt Carole's. But mum had found a small house only down the street where we could live she and myself and Toby. And with my dad not with us I couldn't see a problem with us.
"Are you ready to go?" Carole caught up with me. "Do you still want me to drive you… well, you know where."
"Yes."
I wasn't going to change my mind that I wanted to meet and talk to the family of the woman I had had my new, working kidney from.
Flashback
"Hey June."
June, the woman I had had dialysis alongside at least a couple of times a week since last fall had grown to become one of my best friend. If it could be called that when I was fifteen and she… well, never ask a woman for her age, right?
"Hi Christie. How are you doing?"
"I'm doing okay?"
I never knew how June, or anybody at all could look so happy, or happy at all hooked up to a dialysis machine. But June sure did look happy while she reached for her bag and picked up a small, wrapped present from it.
"Since you're going home today… I wanted to give you something."
"Aw, you didn't have to."
I reached for the present and ripped the paper off. Then found a small, jewelry box and opened that one to find a silver necklace with a small dove. I couldn't help but smile and freeze while only looking at it.
"And I don't want to hear a word that you don't want to wear it because you're afraid of losing or breaking it. From this day on you are free like a bird Christie- not Christine or Kristina or anything else Kyemohr. And you wear that all you want. Do you like it?"
"I love it. But… June… this must have cost you a fortune. You shouldn't have."
"Yes I should. And don't worry about that. I wanted to give it to you." I carefully picked it out of the box and put it on. "Fits you perfectly." She kept smiling but leaned her head back tiredly and closed her eyes for a moment. "I'm so happy for you Christie. And I have a feeling you'll be given a long and healthy life after this."
"Well nobody knows."
"No. I don't know… I just said I have a feeling. But like I said, you are free like a bird now Chris. Promise me that you'll make the most out of each day of all the days you have left." I nodded. "No. I want you to tell me out loud. Tell me that you promise to live your life to the fullest."
"I promise to live my life to the fullest."
I couldn't help but give a small smile. And to remember the first day here after I came and how angry I had been. How tired I had been of June and her questions. How many questions had there been since then? I knew the hospital, mostly my aunt Carole had sorted out on purpose so I and June could have our visits together. And it hadn't been long after we met until I had learnt to like her.
"There you are." Carole came into the room. "I've been searching all over the place. Hello June. Now. Are you ready to go home?"
I looked back at June. Then crawled down from the bed I sat on and nodded while pulling my jacket on. Aunt Carole's smile was big, but quite worrisome while I waved goodbye to June and then was finally on my way home.
Only a few weeks ago I had been thinking that time was the last time I left Lima memorial hospital still alive.
Well life could change fast couldn't it?
"I DON'T CARE." A memory of my dad shouting at the doctor's in West Bridgewater years ago suddenly flashed by in my mind. "SOMETHING'S WRONG. MY DAUGHTER IS SICK AND SHE HASN'T BEEN GETTING BETTER FOR MONTHS. AND I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOSPITAL UNTIL I GET AN ANSWER ABOUT WHAT THIS IS."
"Are you okay Chris?" Carole asked all of a sudden when we were on our way to her car. "You're so quiet and you suddenly looked so thoughtful."
"Mr. And Mrs. Kyemohr." Mum and dad thought seven-year-old-me was asleep when a doctor came into the room where I was lying on the bed. Mum was stroking my hair and when he came in I could suddenly feel her freeze. "We have got some news. As you know we did run some tests."
"Well, finally."
"Nothing." I said without thinking at first. "Or… I was just thinking about when all of this started. I just can't believe that it's over all of a sudden. It all just changed."
"Your daughter is very ill."
"I know that you know this Chris. But it might never be over. Since this new organ wasn't a part of your body from the beginning your body might start pushing it away. But it might not. It could work perfectly for another two years- or twenty, or just until the end of your life. And you're going to be on…"
"Strong medication for the rest of it. I know that Carole."
"She's going to need dialysis to, easily explained- clean her blood from everything she puts in her body. We're going to have to give her special food-ordinations. I'm not sure how far away it is but sooner or later she's going to need a kidney transplant. She might not grow much more after this point. But stay the same height as now. Or maybe she will. It's hard to tell. But sometimes when there is one piece of the body not working the rest doesn't work as well."
"And here I am, half of my life later and finally leaving it behind." I opened the door to the shotgun seat of Carole's car. "But June isn't ever getting out of there again. Is she? And also. I know by the look on your face that you know who that kidney came from. And I'm not giving up until I know who it was."
"I can't tell you that Christie. You know I can't."
As if to make sure I wouldn't ask again Carole didn't say a word during the whole way home. Not that I minded. I had been way too busy being rude to everybody to make sure I was close to as few as possible. Hurt as few as possible when I wasn't here anymore.
Gus, I'm a grenade.
I shook my head and the line from the fault in our stars off and turned away from Carole watched the world passing by while we made our way home.
Nobody was home for the moment. Kurt, Blaine and Burt were all working so it would be just me and Carole and Alice. I couldn't help to feel glad about the whole house coming to meet me at the door. And the first thing stepping up on the porch while Carole opened the door for Alice to get out was pulling a deep breath for what felt like the first time since that day dad stood and shouted at the hospital stuff to do something.
This porch was so familiar yet it felt like I'd never been here before. Back when Finn was alive and I was in Lima the last time before I came here in August, Aunt Carole hadn't been living in this house. But stepping over the threshold it hit me how many times, only during the last six months I had stepped in and out through this door.
Yet, even the last few times I had had no idea I would be here today. Finally stepping over the threshold not having to worry if I'd die before I passed it again.
"Well, at least you know that someone here is happy to see you."
I guess I'd been so used to her meeting me in the hallway these last six months I barely even noticed Alice was jumping up and down around my feet. Around and around and around she went. I had never seen her act like this before. This was more than saying that I hadn't been here for a while and she had missed me.
Dogs just had a way with knowing that something was up, didn't they?
It wasn't pain free when I kneeled and petted her scratching behind her ears. Well, that was as much as possible while Alice was still moving. Wagging her tail back and forth and trying to reach me so she could lick every inch of my face that she possibly could.
"It's okay Ali." I tried when her tongue wasn't so near my mouth I could talk again. "I'm here again now. I'm home and I'm not going anywhere."
End of flashback
"Now." Carole stopped the car by a crossroad not far from where we lived. "Remember now. If somebody wonders you have to tell them this is something you figured. Because if people think I told you who you got your kidney from I could lose my job."
A weird kind of lump had been rising in my throat. I couldn't do else but nod back at my aunt before I opened the door and continued down the street while I heard her drive away. We didn't live for away. I could walk back later, but there was just one thing I had to do.
The road seemed way too short until I walked up the Collins's driveway and to their door. While I rang the doorbell I could feel my heart beating hard and I quickly made up want to say.
Then, well… I ended up not saying all of it.
"Hi." One of the triplet boys, I couldn't tell who came to open the door. "My name is Christie Kyemohr."
I had been meaning to continue after that. But my lips wouldn't move and not another sound rose through my throat. During a couple of seconds I couldn't get a word out and neither me nor the boy in the door said anything.
The look on his face had me wondering whether maybe he knew what I knew. With the whole glee club knowing about my condition the whole school could know just as well.
"My name is Larry." He said at last. "I think we're in math together… But if that's what you need help with I'll have to get my brother or my sister."
"Yeah. We are. But no, no. That's not what I want but… there's something I have to talk to you about. It's about your mum. And if that's okay then I'd like for the rest of your family to take part of it too."
Keagan POV
The first thing, Tuesday on the second week of getting ready for nationals Mr. Blaine did the last song of the day. That after telling us he first had planned to call the glee club "With every bit of glee" as a reference to this song. And that until he heard how stupid it had sounded and came up with the thought of making the name of the glee club into a competition.
"I actually think that title for the glee club would have been another great option too." I said, almost at the second the last tone of the song had ran out. "I mean- Finn's army is better. But it would have been good. I mean, all of us and you and the band and everyone- every bit of glee. Plus, that song was great."
At least I could try to cheer him up. The look on his face, he obviously needed it.
"That is a great song Mr. Blaine." Bradon agreed with me while Mr. Blaine with a thoughtful look on his face jumped down from the piano. "And with the story about how you almost picked it as a name for the glee club we should do it next Friday. Don't you think so guys?" Bradon looked around and there were some spread yes's and nods in the room.
"No." Mr. Blaine moaned. "It doesn't feel right. As you know, this is just how I ended up before sectionals and regionals but we did end up with songs that felt absolutely right. And I think we can do that this time too and no… no. That song is great and everything but it doesn't feel right. Glee club dismissed for today guys. See you all tomorrow."
I couldn't help but feel sorry for Mr. Blaine. He really did look distressed, as if afraid when we came to nationals next Friday we wouldn't have anything to perform.
"I've got an idea." I told Bradon. "Yesterday when here, we both have each song to perform. Okay? I don't care if ours are the ones chosen for next Friday. But we will have each, okay? What's up Seth?" The brown-haired guy had just come up on the other side of Bradon. "Are you on it too? We both do a song for tomorrow? Doesn't matter what? Only one song that will suit for nationals? What do you say? Are you in?"
"Actually, Seth. You've been taking Swedish classes with Miss Grahn right?" Bradon nodded. "Because I have an idea with a Swedish song that we could do. I don't think we're going to do it but it's worth a try. Maybe you and I could do it?"
"Yeah sure. If we do that tomorrow then Keagan… you and I can do each song on Thursday. Okay?"
"Sounds great." I had an idea for a song. "I love hearing songs in languages I don't understand. I wish I knew Swedish too." Seth shook his head. "I do." I stopped by my locker and Seth and Bradon kept walking through the hallway and I saw Seth showing Bradon what song he wanted to do.
"Hey Keagan." I heard right behind me, looked back and saw Jake Barns from freshman year and nodded back. Jake didn't say anything after greeting but he hadn't moved from where he stood and I could see he was staring at something in one direction only.
"What are you looking at?"
The young freshman didn't answer me. Actually he didn't look away, and for a second I turned in the direction he was looking. In that direction Christie from the glee club was turned back towards Jake for a second.
"Oh damn."
"What?" Jake finally turned his look away from Christie's chocolate brown eyes and turned back towards me. "Why did you say that? I didn't even do anything." I couldn't help but smirk. "What are you on about? I didn't do anything."
He didn't have to do anything. It would take a downright blind person not to see.
"I think someone's got a crush." I smirked jokingly at Jake. "At least boy's got a crush on girl, girl does seem as if she has a crush on boy. It's like it was meant to be."
Jake had had a smile on his lips but it suddenly faded. I didn't have to wonder what it was about. It was easy to guess that it was about what he had done earlier during and for most of this year. And he had obviously been reminded of it at what I said.
"I know that… You didn't tell anyone. Did you? About… you know."
"Of course not. Did you leave another letter?"
Jake shook his head and we stopped in the hallway a bit away from my best friend's locker to wait for Bradon to come up.
"No, of course not." I decided to change the subject back. This one was depressing. "So…. You and Christie huh?"
Jake didn't answer, we only turned in each direction to leave the school. But before turning I did see the way he went absolutely bright red at my question. I couldn't blame him though, Christie might not be exactly my type. But she was anything but ugly with her long hair and brown eyes.
"Hey… Jake, right?" Bradon just came up the hallway with his bag to leave and Jake nodded at Bradon when he'd gotten the name right. "Are you ready to go Keagan or should I wait?"
"No, we're done." I said. "I'll see you Jake." He nodded back as we turned in each direction to leave the school.
"I didn't know you two knew each other."
"Mhm."
It was seriously hard not to snap and tell Bradon about Jake and what he'd been doing. And I was afraid if I as much as opened my mouth I would. So in silence at first we walked out of the school and down the street.
"Do you and that Jake know each other?" Bradon asked me after a few minutes and pretended to look hurt. "You're not getting a new best friend are you?"
I didn't say anything, only pushed Bradon's shoulder slightly and smirked.
"Of course I am." I said at last. "I'm so sick and tired of you. You're the most boring and worst best friend ever."
At least this was to be recommended when I had already promised Jake that, while we had quickly become buddies- not to tell anyone how we had met at first. Or how he had also met Bradon and Benjamin and pretty much every openly gay, bi or transgender person at this school.
"I've got to fix something." I pointed backwards towards the main street when I and Bradon passed it on our way home. "And then I have to go to the stables but… I'll see you tomorrow morning." Bradon nodded and raised his hand in a wave.
I pulled a deep, relieved breath walking away from Bradon. Even if this would be a longer way towards the stables when I didn't even need to go to this way. It was only that it was so damn important to Jake that what he had done wouldn't spread around the school. Although keeping secrets from my best friend was of course as hard as it should be.
In the middle of my wondering about Jake and when and why we had met and made friends I barely heard someone coming up behind me. I noticed as whoever it was they came up closer and I stepped to the side towards a side street going in between two rental apartment buildings thinking it was someone in a rush and trying to make their way past me.
At least that's what I thought before the person pushed me, hard. I stumbled into the side street and landed hard, my forehead hitting the pavement in the fall.
Flashback
I moaned to myself when I noticed I'd forgotten my wallet in my locker one Wednesday afternoon. And turned where I was halfway to the stables.
"I've got to go and get it." I told Bradon. "Dad and I are eating dinner with you guys later. So I'll see you then."
"See you."
My feet felt heavy walking back towards William McKinley High. It wasn't that I had anything against school. Neither this nor any other. But I had already had a bad day with every little thing going wrong in all possible ways. And after all the time in the stables I had lost being too broken after Alma died, I just wanted to spend as much time as I could there.
But I'd know first afterwards how lucky I was I'd forgotten my wallet and had to go back and get it.
My locker wasn't far away from the main entrance so I saw already when I came through the doors there was someone standing by it that didn't look up to see me. I didn't think it was weird at first, there was a long line of lockers. But then I saw the dark-haired guy from freshman year was picking on the lock to my locker. And he was holding onto an envelope with my name on it.
"Hey." I took the letter from the boy's hand. "Is this for me?" The dark haired boy opened his mouth and shook his head slightly with a chocked look on his eyes. "Then why were you putting it in my locker." I looked down on the envelope. "And why does it have my name on it?"
"I-I…"
"You're Jake aren't you?" The boy nodded and I ripped the envelope open. "Let me guess what it is." I unfolded it and the first thing I did was look at the bottom line of the letter. "Signed, just a catholic girl. Hold on a minute."
Letters signed just a catholic girl had been put in people's lockers in this school all year. I had had quite a few of them myself. Then in Dakota's, Benjamin's, Bradon's… well. In anybody who were openly LGBTQ's really. I had collected all of the ones I could find and put them all in a string folder- with rainbow pattern just to be as badass as I ever was.
"Come with me."
With the string folder filled with letters in one hand and holding onto the boy's shirt in the other I hurried to the choir room. The first place I could think of where we would get some privacy with no risk of anyone walking in. Well in there I sat down on one of the plastic chairs while the boy slowly sat down on the other.
"I know we don't know each other so well. But this whole year you've written and left letters for me and several of my friends and several answers and I'd like to hear your reasons why."
"I have two mums."
From the look on his face it seemed Jake had said it quickly, almost all in one word without barely thinking about what he said. Like it had slipped out before he could stop it, and still he was tense. And bright red from the humiliation of finally getting caught with those letters he didn't say anything more.
"Well, if that means what I think it means. Then shouldn't that be reason enough not to go around spreading these?" I held up the twist folder I had collected all the letters I had found in and then pulled out one randomly. "God created girls and boys to be together. Same-sex couples are works of the devil…" I pulled out another. "Oh, this is mine. You're a girl. And a girl you'll always be. Or this one…"
"No…" Before I had the time to start reading it Jake interrupted me. "No, please. I'll do anything. But don't read anything more. I know what I did and I don't agree with any of those opinions. It was just that… that… I don't really know where to start."
"How about starting at the part where you did this…" A waved with another letter in front of him. "Clitty-lickers." I read from it. "Do you realize that if it's true what you say that you have two mum's someone could be writing these about them? What would you feel like then? Now go on. Your turn to speak."
Jake didn't answer right away. He was bright red and looking away from me, I waited for several seconds. Then waved again with a bunch of letters right in front of his eyes. Jake sighed and then, as soon as he had started. It seemed the rest just came rolling out of him.
"Well. Yes, I have two mums. Of course I have parents- they're dead. They died when I was just a baby so I mean. Of course I can't remember them. And I probably am the luckiest person in the world that I was adopted by my mum's. They are great and I love them, they love me. And yes, of course I've… well, been taught that love should be the same whether it's between a girl and a boy or same-sex and also I've known about… trans and those kind of things since as far as I can remember. They just never tried to hide anything from me and I never saw a problem with it."
"So why this?"
I waved with a bunch of letters again to hopefully show him how many there were that I had been able to gather. Jake pulled for a deep breath and then once again it started until everything just came rolling out.
"It's not that I'm ashamed of it. I love my mums. They are both the best. But all until now I've been bullied for it. So I asked my mums before I began here not to let… people know they're a couple. And since then only my biological mum has been at parent meetings and stuff. But… Then a new family moved in into the house next to ours and we wanted to get to know them. After they found out they lived neighbours to two lesbians they haven't been wanting to see us anymore. And the daughter… goes to his school."
Jake silent again and wiping his hands together he was still bright red. I could see him swallow and tears didn't look as if they were far away.
"Who was it Jake? Who is the one who signs these letters and makes you hand them out?"
I was hoping that if I asked the questions right out it would make it easier for the young Freshman to answer me. But he still didn't and it looked more like he wanted to get up with a jump and run away as far as he possibly could.
"I'm not a snitch."
I waited for a minute, I could see the angst and regret in Jake's eyes and after all. He was among the youngest in the school. In the beginning of this year, when this had started he had been one of all scared- to-death freshman who just wanted to make something right.
"Well then. I have an idea." For a moment I thanked some higher power I had been a horse rider since I could remember. I was used to show someone, firmly but fairly when I was in charge. "You tell me who it was. And I won't tell anyone- not a person. This will just stay in between you and me. But then, if this happens again. And there are more letters. Then I'll report both you to the principal and tell her the whole story. Is that a good deal?" Jake nodded. "Then who was it?"
"What if she keeps doing it and finds someone else to hand the letters out?"
"Then I'll trust you to tell me the truth and report only her. But whoever it is this cannot go on. It hurt too many people this year and it cannot continue."
Jake sighed and seemed to want to do anything but tell me who it was. Then he took a deep breath in and said it in only a whisper. As if he was afraid of someone hearing. As if he thought that if he said it quietly enough the risk of me spreading it would be smaller.
"Lucy Everlark."
End of flashback
"What on…?"
Before I could turn my head and see who had pushed me the person kicked me in the back and hit the breath out of me. Trying to get it back I felt a fish hitting my face and then another punch into my stomach.
Too shaken with what was going on I barely even realized what it was when I felt the person stomping hard towards my knee and without even noticing it myself I let hear a wordless shout. Before I once again was kicked in the back and punched in my head. As my head hit the pavement hard only thinking seemed to get even harder than it was a second ago.
And I just laid there lax and whoever this was- I let him do it.
It was like all of me had frozen and was held still by some invisible force while in silence I took punch after punch, kick after kick. And time and time again could feel the breath getting hit out of me until I could barely catch my breath at all.
Then at last I was weirdly relieved when there was a pause, the person grabbed my shirt, pulled me up and then hit me hard down towards the ground again.
"That's it… Princess!"
Whoever the person was that had hit me all over and to the ground he spat me in the neck and started digging through my pockets. I felt him pulling up my wallet and my phone and would have liked to say something.
But I was zoning out, and when I heard the person's quick footsteps disappearing I heard something else getting closer. Heard voices and wanted to shout for help. I wanted to get onto my feet and go home. After all it's where I'd been going…
Or maybe I should go to the stables. Domino needed his brushing for the day, and the stables were closer to where I was now. And my knee hurt, and I really needed to get up and walk.
I heard voices disappear and then more of them coming closer. I would have wanted to shout for someone to come and help me but not a word would slip over my lips. Something wet and warm was dripping down my face from my nose and at the moment I realized it was blood.
"Help me."
I barely managed to get a croak out when I heard the voices of someone else coming closer. I could feel it started raining and felt worse than ever about lying here. I needed something- someone.
"Help me"
It was only another croak. But then suddenly I heard the voices of two people coming closer, someone gasping as they saw me lying on the ground. But as I tried to lift my head and look up on them I felt myself drifting further and further away being surrounded by a soft, thick darkness I whispered one last thing under my breath.
"Can you help me up? I just need to go home."
Sharon POV
"Well, here we are again." As usual walking into the choir room on Wednesday afternoon Mr. Blaine was glancing over the group. Then all of a sudden, half way between the door and the piano he froze and gazed over the group again. "Where's Keagan? He's the last I would think miss a glee club practice? Is he on his way? Bradon?... why are you looking like that? Keagan isn't skipping is he?"
I turned and looked to Bradon to see what it was Mr. Blaine was referring to. Bradon really did look as if he was about to say something.
"It's just that…" He started and rubbed his palms towards his jeans. "Something happened. Keagan was attacked on the way home yesterday. He was on his way and all of a sudden he was pushed into an ambush and someone started abusing him."
Bradon finally breathed in after explaining what had happened and suddenly the room was just so, very quiet.
"No."
The first one to say anything at all was Mr. Blaine. Only one short word and sounding mostly as if he couldn't believe something like what Bradon had just said than anything else. We could also see how he kept on shaking his head.
"But he's going to be okay?" I could after for sure a minute or two hear Esme ask Bradon. "He's going to be okay right? He has to be. I mean- He's Keagan."
Something had clenched inside of me. It actually had about 24/7 since my Oliver was born. It was as if something in me wished for nobody else to be in pain or get hurt.
"He's fine. Well, he's not fine. But he's going to be. He's got a concussion and is bruised up. But not a too bad and he's made up his mind he will be back at least in glee club tomorrow. Although his dad forbid him to move from his bedroom until then and Keagan being Keagan, isn't very happy about that?"
Silence fell over the room when Bradon was finished with explaining. That our happy, bubbly friend in the form of Keagan Spencer- who got along with everybody and always knew the right things to say couldn't have been hurt could he?
Especially not by somebody else- on purpose.
The knowledge that he actually had was like a gut punch to us all and nobody said anything for a long while.
"I don't get why anyone would hurt Keagan." Mady said at last in her childishly wise way. "He's always so nice. He's nice to everyone. So why would someone want to hurt him?"
At first nobody said anything at all, then pretty much everybody in the room turned to Benjamin who seemed as chocked as everybody else.
"I don't know."
"Yes you do." Mady nagged. "I can see you do. On your face, you've got that look on your face that when you say you don't know but you actually know. You do know Benjamin. Why would someone want to hurt Keagan when he's so nice?"
Benjamin still hesitated but nobody else seemed ready to answer Mady's questioning in a way that she would be satisfied. We all knew what she was like after all of these months. Even though Mady was a bit too little for anyone to give her "the talk." To let her know what was different in between Keagan and us others.
"You see Mady…" Benjamin was bright red and made sure to choose his words well. "You know that there are boys and girls." Mady nodded understanding. "And they look different. You know- down there." Mady nodded again. "Well usually boys look one way and girls another. But sometimes a person looks like a boy but still knows that inside she's a girl. Or look like a girl… down there. While knowing he's actually a boy."
As if it hadn't been silent enough a second ago it seemed even quieter when the sound of Benjamin's voice silent.
If the moment hadn't been as serious it was- and probably sooner or later someone would probably be able to give Benjamin a hard time and have very much fun about how Benjamin had just explained that to his little sister.
Keagan would have found it hilarious if nothing else. But he had explained it if nothing else.
"Is Keagan like that?" Mady asked after a few moments of thinking and I saw Benjamin give a slight nod. "But… he's a boy. And I don't get why anyone would want to comment on that or think that is wrong. Keagan is Keagan and that's the important part- that he's nice to everyone and would never do something like abuse someone he didn't even know because he thought they were wrong in something. Would he?"
"Of course not Mads. But unfortunately not all people are as good as Keagan."
"That's very true." Mr. Blaine interrupted before Mady's questions had gone on forever. "But, if we return to thee glee club… I get that you're all worried about Keagan and I am too. But we've still got nationals in a week and a half only. Does anyone have any suggestions for songs?"
"I, Seth and Keagan had this plan about I and Keagan doing each song." Bradon explained. "And then Seth and I one together… But I don't really feel like doing any song now." Bradon sighed deeply. "And yes, I am absolutely sure Keags will be back tomorrow… He's Keags you know."
"I had a song too." We all heard from Charlotte at a corner of our group. "But now I don't really feel like doing it at all."
Mr. Blaine looked around the room, it had only been a couple of minutes since we had all come into the choir room for today's rehearsal. And it did seem like at least a couple of people had ideas about what songs to do.
But Mr. Blaine seemed to sense the same tense feeling as everybody else. It wouldn't work out today.
"I'll see you lot tomorrow. Hopefully Keagan will be back by then."
"Oh he will. He's Keagan Rory Spencer after all."
Bradon's voice was way too tense for that light comment to actually make anything lighter. Everything silent again and we all took our stuff and left the room for the hallway and to go home or wherever else we were heading.
Then suddenly, thinking hard about Keagan and trying not to imagine Keagan beaten back and blue in an ambush road. I suddenly noticed I had my palm lying open towards my belly as if I was still pregnant.
During the pregnancy I had been so used to stroking over my belly knowing there was a baby. A small little person inside of there and then talking to him. It was a habit hard to break and this was one of all times I did stroke my hand over my stomach and looked down as if there was something to see there.
"Maybe it's good you don't have to grow up in a world like this."
It was only half a breath and nobody could have heard me saying it. But I had heard it. And I could feel all color draining from my face while I would have wanted to punish myself in every way possible.
I was a terrible person, wasn't I?
I had wanted to stay in school for as long as possible during the pregnancy. So I wouldn't have to spend years after this to get caught up in school for missing this year. I had gotten pregnant from the start by sleeping with my best friend's boyfriend.
Although, of course none of those things could compare to me being relieved my Oliver had been a stillborn. And then it didn't matter what the reason would have been or whatever the whole world was about today.
Flashback
I don't want to leave
But I don't want to live
I'm scared of death
But my life is just a big mess
I don't want to die
I just want to close my eyes
and never open them again
I don't want to die
I just want to sleep forever
I want to fall asleep
but I want to wake up again tomorrow
Losing my child, even though I of course had never known him hurt more than anything I could ever have imagined.
It hurt from the morning when I woke up and that was the second it hit me and I remembered. Then it was on my mind until late at night when I laid tossing myself back and forth in trouble of falling asleep.
At last I was just too exhausted to think at all.
I laid the paper with my newest brain- stormed poem to the side but continued spinning the pencil around my fingers back and forth and back and forth around and around. Again and again.
While I barely had been able to write anything at all the past few months. I guess I had been thinking that the moment I looked into my son's eyes for the first time something would come to me. And I would be able to write the most beautiful…
That wasn't exactly the way it had worked.
And the pain ripping ever little piece of my heart into pieces didn't exactly make it any easier. What I had just written certainly wasn't the best. But it was something. Something from brainstorming and trying to get my words onto pieces.
Just because it felt like my heart would break and stop at any moment from this pain it didn't mean I got to lay down and die where I was.
During the three weeks that had passed since I was rushed into the hospital in agony I had known that pain wasn't anywhere near what would come later.
There was nothing worse that could happen to a human being than for a mother to lose her chld. And the pain couldn't be imagined in a smidge of what it felt like when it was there.
But yes, I did still a life ahead of me.
"Shar?" Suddenly mum was in the doorway to my room. "Your friend Inez is here. Can she come in?"
I was on my way to answer "no" the only one I had seen lately except for mum or dad was Esme. And she had been my best friend since as far as I can remember. But then of course, life did go on and I would have to meet somebody else sooner or later.
"Actually." I got up. "I think I'll go to her…" My steps were all slow and sore. But I would have to get up and moving sooner or later. And the sooner the better according to the doctor. "Hey."
Inez stood in the hallway with a bouquet of flowers in her hands along with a hand- drawn card. She showed me a slight smile when I came.
"Give flowers to grieving people is kind of what people does. And Callum drew the card." I took it. "It doesn't look like it but I think he was trying to draw an angel in the skies and… well, we heard about what happened and I am so sorry… It's from Callum and Austin too."
"Thanks…" I drew a deep sigh. Then suddenly felt how "Inside-ish" the breath was. "Come on. We can go outside. I haven't been outside for a year it feels like."
I took my jacket and pulled it on while stepping out onto the porch and sat down on the steps signing to Inez to sit next to me. Then I looked down our yard and saw a car in the parking lot I didn't recognize.
"It's our car." Inez saw me looking and answered before I had the chance to ask. "I needed a ride. I asked Austin and Callum to keep out of our way but they should be around here somewhere."
As if on a given signal I could hear Austin's voice only a little bit away, they were a bit away but close enough for us to hear them. Is it okay they're here? I only needed a ride. I can tell them to go so we can talk in private?"
"Can you be quiet for a moment?" I asked her. "I just need to hear this."
Without explaining to Inez what it was I heard I closed my eyes and heard Austin playing with Cal. Cal was laughing so loud there might have been someone on the other side of town that couldn't hear him. And for the first time in weeks I could feel a small smile form on my lips.
"Yeah… that's my favorite noise too."
And then Inez interrupted it and the smile faded again.
"I have to go inside again." I span the flowers in my hands. "I can never keep flowers alive. But I'm going to try with these. Tell Callum the card is really nice. Thanks for showing up." Without saying goodbye I stood up and headed for the door and I could hear Inez standing up to.
"You can call me up any time if there's anything I can do. Don't hesitate. It doesn't matter if it's in the middle of the night or anything like that."
I ignored what Inez said but couldn't be sure of why. Then all of a sudden I couldn't help but turn and look when Cal laughed out loud again. He and his dad were just coming up the street towards our street again and got in Austin's car to go.
I was still heartbroken and would be for every second of the rest of my life.
But the sound of a child's laughter was the first thing in weeks that had put some faith in me that there might still be something good in this world. And that somehow while I couldn't, it had kept on going on around me.
End of flashback
"I'm working all day today and I need to get Sammy at his school since neither of his parents nor Malora's home. But I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."
Esme's voice called me back to reality from my thoughts. And I could almost hear the way she was frowning when she laid her hand on my arm and called out for me.
"Sharon? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
I shook my head and brainstormed for anything to say but the terrible I had just not been able to stop myself from thinking. I looked around for anything and the thought crossed my mind that maybe one of those songs I and Esme had sung together so many times could be suitable for nationals.
"Do you remember that song we used to sing?"
"Which one of them?"
"That one…" I hummed on the song I remembered and tried to remember the lyrics and Esme nodded slightly. "I think it could be a nice suggestion for nationals. We could meet at mine tomorrow after glee club. It's been a while since I listened to it so I think we'll need some rehearsing before we can get through the whole song without messing it up. Or what do you think?"
"Yeah… sounds good. But we will have to rehearse first… Anyway, I really have to go now."
Esme hurried down the hallway towards the door, I continued rather slowly.
I knew I was going to go home and nowhere else. But I could feel a part of me wishing to go to the bus station or even the airport and run away. Run away from the pain, run away from my old life.
And run away from everything that had been before. Especially everything from the past year.
Bradon POV
"Keagan."
On Thursday's glee club rehearsal we had just been about to start when the door finally opened and Keagan came in. I couldn't help but gasp. I had only spoken to him and Mr. Spencer on the phone- this was so much worse than I had expected.
I had already known that Keagan had crutches. And about the bruises, it was just that as good as every spot of his face was dark blue or purple. And holding the crutches he still held his arms pressed towards his sides as if his ribs were aching- they probably were.
"Oh dear God."
"Shut it Blaine Anderson. It's not as bad as it looks like. I almost forgot when I got out of bed this morning and then scared myself looking in the mirror. Anyway, this is glee club so let's get started. Maybe I can do the first song for today Mr. Blaine. I have an idea. And if I do it first I won't have to sit down and then get up again."
"The floor is yours."
Most of us were still chocked from seeing Keagan in the condition he was. Keagan on the other hand was acting like he usually would and handed some sheet music to Kayla, Mr. Jonas and Mr. Dom. Kayla started on the piano and Mr. Jonas on his harmonica.
I should have known Keagan could come up with something creative. Something nobody else would think of yet something so perfect.
The song he had chosen was about what the world had turned to today.
And mum won't watch the news at night there's too much stuff that's making her cry
But then, one voice was heard over everything was heard. One voice that rose above everything else. One voice that would be able to make a change for everything else.
But once voice was heard
Towards the end of the song. When the singer told how he saw a kid throw a gun into the river I could feel shivers going through my whole body. Obviously Keagan knew this song as the back of his hand. But I and Keagan listened to pretty much the same songs at all times- I did not recognize this one.
One voice was heard.
The last note of the song and the room was left in silence.
It did seem I was not the only one stunned. Keagan waited for a few moments to say something and nobody let hear anything. Then at last he breathed in and explained to us the song.
"That isn't a new song. It's almost twenty years old. Anyway, this school is kind of like any other High School of America. And in all of those there is bullying, there are the jocks and the cheer leaders and the popular. There's bullying and the unpopular. The ones that doesn't have the right kinds of hobbies. The ones that doesn't have the right kind of personalities. The ones that just aren't right…" Keagan didn't say it- but I knew he thought about himself. "But this… this glee club is something else. And it's… I mean- we're all just different and then we kind of got together making one voice of all of ours. I wish we could go on. But as long as we do. We can be heard. And we have and we can make a change. And that's the reason I chose this song."
Silence fell again. Keagan took the crutches he had laid on the piano and looked over the group. As if waiting for somebody else to say anything.
"Well. That's deep."
"I want to see Bradon's song. And Bradon and Seth's now." Keagan moaned instead of answering what Mr. Blaine had said about the song he had chosen and why. "I've been longing for it for two days. You have to go on with it."
It took me a few seconds to realize that it was my name Keagan had called. And still confused and with my mind mostly on the song Keagan had just let us hear I stood up and stepped down onto the floor alongside Seth.
"Just give me a minute." Mr. Blaine asked us. "That was a great song Keagan. It was very deep. And I like your thoughts about it. I mean- wow! But I don't think it's the right song for nationals. Even though I kind of wish it had because I really liked it. Now. Seth Anderson- Phillips and Bradon Fredericks, the floor is yours."
"Should we start with the both of us or should I go first?" Seth only shrugged. "Oh well. Come on. We'll do the song the both of us rehearsed first. Well, I think you were going to explain what the song is about and everything first so you can start." I took the sheet music and handed to Kayla, Mr. Dom and Mr. Jonas while he started explaining.
"This song is from a movie I used to watch years ago." Seth explained. "The whole song was never released by then. But then ten years or so ago finally, everybody heard the whole song when a girl named Rebecka K. sang it on TV. I'd actually rather see a song with the actresses from the movie but then, you can't always get what you want. And I wanted to do at least one more Swedish song this year and here it is."
I didn't quite understand every word of the song. Swedish was Swedish after all, and even though I was up in three years of classes it wasn't always so easy. The song had quite an old-ish feeling to it. Even though it wasn't really, and was about that there's a friend even when you least expect it.
Even when you don't really think there is nobody there.
Now, wasn't that the way we all felt sometimes?
Seth sang the first verse on his own. I came in and sang a part in the bridge and it all just seem to fit. The bridge in between the second verse and the last refrain put an answer to what the first questioned. That there would always be a friend…
I didn't quite get what the whole deal with roses in the snow was about though.
Of course, only I and Seth understood the lyrics and only Seth it all. But yet everybody else in some weird way seemed troll bound as if they were all listening closely to try and hear what words we were using.
For once even Lea-Marie seemed interested.
When I started the second and last verse without Seth singing with me I couldn't help to feel just a tiny bit nervous. Despite us having sung this through a million times yesterday so I'd remember it all. And Seth was the only one who did understand at all. If my Swedish was understandable he'd be the only one in here to know that.
"TACK SÅ MYCKET. BOLIBOMPA."
What Mr. Blaine shouted in Swedish just as the last tone had rung out after the song I only understood the first part. Seth on the other hand chuckled and shook his head while the others in the room sat with raised eyebrows and questioning looks.
"Tack så mycket in Swedish means thanks a lot. And Bolibompa is a children's TV show. Not that I know where you found that out Mr. Blaine but you said it quite right so nice work. Now Bradon. I want to see what you have got."
While Seth went to sit down I walked over and borrowed the guitar from Mr. Dom. I wanted to do this one myself. And pulling the shoulder strap over my head I looked to Keagan. After what had happened to Keagan I guess this song did suit. Not that it wasn't for the glee club though.
Hard things had happened this year. Christie had been dying, Charlotte had almost died and been severely hurt, Seth had just moved to town from a place where he'd been bullied badly, Daniel was getting through his Senior year. Christie, Dakota, Charlotte and Jasper were getting through their freshman. Martina was coming out...
And upon that Finn Hudson did have his impact on this club whether we all knew it or not.
Through it all this glee club had been there for us all. Given us a place where we were, more or less all as one. And there for each other no matter what.
"This is one of my favorite songs. This one's not a new one either. But I like it and I think it would suit."
For the first part of the song I left my arms hanging towards my sides for the "La da da" part. Then, first when the actual lyrics started I took a grip on the guitar and let the song start for real.
During the song I was looking around gazing over the group. More than once it happened I looked back to Keagan. That wouldn't have been weird. He was my best friend after all and the song could be just as well about friends as about lovers. And after everything that's happened…
A few times I gazed over the front line and Mr. Blaine to try and figure what he was thinking about my song for nationals. But he didn't let me or anyone else know anything about what he thought about it. And I continued…
Meanwhile I tried to imagine what it would be like having this as a solo on a stage in front of a lot of people. Only me and a guitar and the strobe light.
But of course. I had had solos during regionals. As far as I knew there were only two of us who had had no solos during nor sectionals nor regionals.
And then a bit more of "La da da…"
"And I think we've got a song for nationals. YES." Mr. Blaine reached his hands in the air and I couldn't help but to let a big smile form on my lips barely had I finished the song. "Okay. The only two that didn't have a solo during sectionals or regionals were Daniel and Charlotte. So for next Friday it's your turn. I think this song will work if we put you two as solos and then maybe have partly group then of course. And then two more group songs. I think this could work but I want some kind of starting song that I haven't thought of yet but that I think will be just perfect. And I also have an idea for another song we could do. Anyway, thank you Bradon. We now have one of three songs for nationals and God I love that song. Does anybody else have any suggestions today?"
We waited for a few moments, I went to give Mr. Dom his guitar back and hoped for someone to shout their "yes." That someone did have an idea. Maybe two songs in a row could make two of three songs for nationals.
I hadn't quite realized yet that my song had been chosen for one of America's biggest competitions for High- School's. If I had I'd probably be jumping with joy.
"Well then. Tomorrow, Friday is the last day for song suggestions. So if you have got some song in the back of your mind that you've been thinking about- just do it. What's the worst that could happen? Either way, I think we're going to find something perfect to go along with this song that Bradon did today. But no, sorry to make you disappointed Seth. We are not singing a song in Swedish for nationals."
"Darn." Seth swore to himself as if disappointed but he was still smirking. "And I thought that would have been so exciting to show pe…" He couldn't go on, he just started laughing.
I'd probably not have been thinking about that Seth had a prosthetic leg right then if he hadn't sat down on oen knee to tie his shoelaces. And he was wearing shorts- so it was kind of hard to miss. It was just that he was Seth and that mattered. While a prosthetic leg did not.
Seth had in some way seemed more relaxed and happier after he told us about it…
And I couldn't help to remember how nervous he had seemed before he did it. As if the next decision he made might make the world end or not and then it was just half a leg.
Things had really changed… I guess so had Seth. He seemed more confident than ever.
But then there was me too.
"It doesn't really feel like I did anything this year." I shrugged and turned towards Keagan while he took his crutches and stood up. "I mean, I did songs and everything but things are still the same. Next year you will be in your senior year. And then…" I looked around the room. "…I don't know what to do."
"That's alright." I suddenly felt Seth patting my shoulder. "You won't be alone as long as we're here. At least not as long as I am. When Keagan is gone I can be your best friend."
I smiled and blinked at Seth as if to show I hadn't been serious.
I had been serious. I felt like such a failure.
Seth might be smirking and turning to Charlotte on the other side. But I could see Keagan couldn't be so easily fooled. He knew what I was feeling with every word.
"Well. You might not know you have done a lot of great things this year. But I know you have…" We slowly started making our way out of the choir room. "And for one… for one…" He hesitated and my stomach clenched. "You stood up to your brother. Didn't you? For my sake."
I remembered back to the moment I had punched Alex right in the face when he'd been talking about Keagan. At the point where Keagan had been depressed about what happened to Alma. Well… Keagan was right. I had stood up to him.
He had changed since then. I would have thought he'd bully me worse than ever. Instead I had barely seen him more than at school. In the afternoons he was either out somewhere or locked up in his room.
"You're right. And Alex changed since then. Honestly he's nicer to live with now than he used to be before."
And I would have kept on thinking so if at that moment I hadn't seen the look on Keagan's face.
Flashback
To be honest I didn't feel like going home that day.
In the morning Alex had been making fun of Keagan for the millionth time. And knowing Keagan was hurting worse than ever after Alma died I had just sort of snapped and punched him right in the face. And that before I had grabbed my bag and shoes and run outside and to school.
So on my way home I really didn't feel like taking this road.
I felt like running in the other direction and never going back.
But still, knowing I couldn't I dragged my feet towards the ground and way too soon reached our driveway where I noticed both mum and dad's car stood. Oh dear! I was going to be in trouble if dad had left work in time for this.
Maybe if I got into the house and into my room as quietly as possible they wouldn't even know I was there. And then I could stay in my room through the whole evening and night. I had a couple of chocolate bars in my bag so it wouldn't be like I would starve. And then by the time we got home tomorrow they would have given up…
Without realizing how childish and unbelievable that theory of a plan I had I tip- toed over the driveway, up the porch steps, then opened the door and carefully closed it after me once I was inside.
Why did I take the front door in? I could hear people in the kitchen and had to pass it. Through the back door I wouldn't have to.
I backed towards the door again and was ready to go outside and walk around the house. But before so my mum heard me from inside the kitchen.
"Bradon Micheal Fredericks." She spoke my full name calmly as always when she was too angry to shout and it sent shivers down my spine. "Can you come into the kitchen please?"
I grimaced, but knew I had no choice so put my shoes and bag on the floor and slowly made my way into the kitchen where mum, dad and Alex sat around the table. Alex's nose and the sides of it towards the eyes were all blue and purple, almost black. And while Alex looked down instead of on me I would have preferred if my parents had looked angry instead of disappointed as they were now while I sunk down on a chair on the fourth side of the table.
"Do you want to tell us about what happened this morning?"
It was dad asking. He just had a way with sounding so disappointed and I could feel my throat closing up as if I was on my way to start crying. I forced it down again. If there was anything I did not need right now.
"Alex was making fun of Keagan as usual. Calling him princess and all of that. And I do know that Keagan is going through a very rough time right now." Lucy, my Dalmatian dog suddenly came running into the kitchen and up to me. I thankfully started scratching her head and looked down instead of looking at the others. "So I didn't think it was okay… It wasn't okay and then just… I just sort of snapped."
"And what were you thinking?"
"I guess I wasn't." I sighed deeply. "I wasn't thinking at all. I just snapped and hit him."
Mum and dad looked towards each other. It looked like they were talking but without words. Alex only glared bored back towards me and if looks could have killed…
"I and dad have been talking today. And we wondered if you should be on dishing duty or take your phone away or ground you. But you're sixteen years old Bradon. Seventeen later this year and we think that you're a bit too old for those kind of punishments… So we have decided we aren't going to punish you for this time…" I was still tense. "But you are old enough to know that it's wrong to hit someone. And if you do it again… which I don't think you will. Because you are not a violent kind of person. But then we'll have to talk again. Right now we'll leave it at this. Okay?"
"WHAT?" Alex shouted looking quite hurt. "HE BREAKS MY NOSE AND YOU GUYS DON'T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR A LITTLE DON'T DO IT AGAIN BRADY… Ow…"
Apparently shouting hurt him. I couldn't say I felt bad about that though…
"Bradon." Mum gave me a slight smile. "You can go. Alexander, I and dad need to talk to you for another minute."
"Stop talking to me as if I was five years old."
I fled the table as fast as I could and soon was in the comfort of my own room, where I dropped my backpack on the floor and then laid down on my bed staring into the ceiling with a hand under my neck.
Lucy came and I could hear her scraping on the door and stood up to open. When I did I could see dad coming towards my room, took a step back and scratched Lucy under her chin while dad came to sit next to me on my bed.
"Don't tell your mum I said this." Dad mumbled quietly, only barely loud enough for me to hear. "But I know there's two sides of this story. And I do know you're your brother is a bully… I think you did the right thing."
"EDWARD." Mum shouted from the kitchen. "CAN YOU COME AND HELP ME HERE."
Dad smiled slightly at me, he had said what he needed and then stood up to leave. I laid down again and Lucy came to lay down further up on the bed and snuggled her nose into my neck for me to scratch her.
"That is one spoiled dog." I hadn't heard mum coming so I flinched. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you…" She came to sit down next to me. "Listen. Don't tell dad or any of your siblings I said this. But I do know that Alex is a bully and I don't think you would just punch someone like that. And while I don't appreciate that you would ever do that I think the right thing to do was to stand up and show your brother that what he was doing wasn't okay. And after all… maybe a punch in the face like that- literally. Was what it took."
Mum slightly patted my cheek and stood up from my bed. I couldn't help but smirk as soon as she had left the room and shook my head- so mum and dad had just kind of told me the same thing and the both of them had asked me not to tell the other.
They were right though. Alex was a bully. What he did towards others wasn't okay.
But I was pretty sure one punch in the face like that wasn't going to change anything.
End of flashback
"What is it you're not telling me Keags? I've known you forever. I can read you like an open book. And there is something you're not telling me." Keagan didn't answer, only ignored me while he moved some books from his lockers down in his bag just as we were about to leave the school. "Does it have something to do with…" I looked him up and down on the crutches and the bruises I could see. "…this?"
Keagan still didn't answer. But I could see the answer on the look in his eyes.
"Well…" He started at last. "How many people do we know that calls me Princess?"
It hit me right away. I had heard several people calling Keagan things like that once they found out HE was transgender. But only one who did it regularly.
Then once I realized who it was it took me several seconds before I could let it slip from my lips. As if neither I nor Keagan actually said it out loud it wouldn't be true.
"Alex!"
Keagan only looked back at me and his eyes spoke enough. He then took the crutches and in silence, while thoughts were very loud in my head we walked during silence outside and sat down on a bench right outside the doors to wait for his dad to come pick him up.
"Oh… what are mum and dad gonna say? Their own son… What are Ben and Haiden going to say? Alex just jumped on you on your way home and…
"SCH." Keagan shushed me when more people came out through the doors. "Don't tell anyone. Okay? I didn't want to hurt you and I don't want to hurt your parents. Alex is bad enough as it is already. But, if Alex has still got it. Maybe you could investigate if he still has my phone?"
It took me a while to understand what he had said. And in just that moment Ben, Evie and Haiden came walking out of the school.
"Do you need a ride with us Bradon?"
"No thanks. I'll walk."
It felt weird seeing them, knowing what their triplet brother had done without saying a word. Somehow I would have to talk sense into Keagan that someone would have to know about this.
But why? Was there a certain reason people needed to know? If only I and Keagan knew? Would it make less true?
"What if he does it to someone else, next? Someone he doesn't even know?"
"He won't do that. I know Alex well enough to know that and I think you do. Believe me. Doing… this was a part of a dare or a joke that went wrong or something like that. Deep down, Alex still isn't a bad person. And knowing he did… this will hurt your parents more than anything. And Ben, and Haiden. So please don't let anyone know about it. Please don't tell anyone. Please Bradon."
Well, seeing Alex from now on would for sure seem strange. But I knew that sound of Keagan's voice and I didn't want to let him down.
But secrets did have a way with coming out sooner or later. And I was pretty sure this one would sooner or later. Then mum and dad would probably be angry if they found out I knew but hadn't told them and…
Keagan must have sensed what I was thinking.
"No Bradon. No!"
Just as Keagan told me one more time we could both see Mr. Spencer's car turning into the school parking lot. Keagan started looking a bit panicking and I could see he really wanted nobody else to know.
"Okay." I whispered as Daniel and Belle came out of the school and I didn't want them to hear. "I won't tell anyone. But if anything like that happens again with him or he threatens you or hurts anybody else then I won't be quiet about it. Deal?" Keagan nodded and I supported him when he got up and moved towards his dad's car.
"Deal. I'm going home now. But I'll see you at yours later for dinner."
Dakota POV
"Well then…" When Mr. Blaine came into the choir room for the last day of the last week before nationals he looked quite stressed and didn't even greet when he came into the choir room like he usually did. "Well, we do have one song of three. And then we need two more, and I have an idea for one song. I'm going to play it on YouTube a bit later. But first I want to know, do any of you have any ideas for songs today?"
Three hands were raised into the air, Charlotte's, Sharon's and Esme's.
"You can go first Charlotte." Esme said without hesitating. "I and Sharon are doing ours together." Charlotte hesitated and looked to Sharon too, Sharon just nodded and Charlotte got up and then turned and faced us.
I had been quite fascinated by Charlotte's sense of fashion this whole year and how always she wore the same colors- grey and blue. Sometimes with add of another color or two but always grey and blue. She wasn't any less today, it was a rainy and quite cold summer day and she was wearing grey jeans, a too big blue hoodie, a grey beanie and the same grey and blue sneakers as always.
"I was hesitating a lot about auditioning for the glee club." She said. "But I did with the help of my then step- brother Liam Linnel. Then I made my audition and as you already know I choked. And then… I was going to the cemetery in the afternoon for mum's grave. And while I was there Carole and Christie walked by. And somehow Carole talked me into making another try. And I have wondered since then… what would have happened if I wasn't at the cemetery right then. Or what would have happened if they weren't? Or if I hadn't auditioned at all? I'm really happy I joined the glee club but still I can't help but always wonder what something- everything would have been if something had gone differently…"
I couldn't help to remember back to the Charlotte that had choked on her audition. The one who turned and ran out of the room, today she just seemed so confident. Standing up tall and obviously looking forward to the song she was going to show us…
…after she was finished talking that would be.
"And even though, some things- loads of things, including I, changed this year. For the better. Of course I can't help to wonder what would have been if something had been different. And of course, if I hadn't joined this I wouldn't know about what's happening now so… yeah. Really, that's what this song is about- to do your best so you won't have to wonder what would have been. But it is that… I'm quite happy with where I am right now so… I don't really have to wonder…" Charlotte turned and looked towards Mr. Dom who started playing on his guitar.
There had been many quite exciting performances during this school year. I guess this wasn't one of them, Charlotte mostly stood still, having pulled her hands into the sleeves and I could see her fingers wrapped around the cuffs.
Only barely she moved a bit back and forth to the rhythm of the words. And for real, that was all it took. Charlotte was one of the most talented in this whole place and her voice was perfectly enough for this performance.
But still, I could hear Mr. Blaine sighing next to me as soon as she had finished.
"That is a great song Charlie." She bit her lip and looked back on Mr. Blaine. "And I get your point and everything but sorry… It just doesn't feel right. I wish it did though. It's really good, but I'm sorry."
No one would be able to quite ignore the disappointed look on Charlotte's face while she came to sit back down and Sharon and Esme got up and handed their sheet music out to Kayla, Mr. Dom and Mr. Jonas.
"I and Sharon have sung this song together loads of times. And none of us could understand how we didn't think about it before. But we do think it sort of describes the glee club and what it has been this whole year so here we go."
Sharon started on the first verse, for the moment we didn't get much further until a loud shout echoed through the room.
"I KNOW THIS SONG."
Mady was more or less bouncing on her chair where she sat. Of course she had known a lot of songs that had been done during this year without starting to jump or shout like that. But obviously this song was a favorite of hers.
Sharon hesitated, but Esme signed to her to continue and then came over to the chairs and held her hand out for Mady to take it and come with her. She then whispered something in her ear when they walked back towards the piano and Mady happily nodded.
When the song speeded up for the refrain Sharon silent and both of the older girls looked down on Mady who sang at the top of her lungs. Loudly, and falsely, without clear words and so beautiful in the way only she could.
For a moment, like I had seen the Charlotte who choked on her audition. I could see the time when Mady asked every single day if Jay was coming home. How Benjamin had answered her every single time that he didn't know. And how the rest of us had either figured or been told their dad wouldn't be coming home.
And as I thought of that I couldn't help but remember how in the beginning of the year, in the beginning of this term. I hadn't even known what happened to my mum.
I shook my head and forced the thoughts about my mum away looking at Mady again. Doing something else looking at the performance was kind of hard since she was singing louder than anyone. And still Benjamin, Christie and Belle had also started singing along.
I knew the song too, but I just couldn't get myself to sing along when I felt a smile form on my lips watching her. Mady looked happier than ever when the three girls got closer and closer to the end of the song, had let go of whatever plan they had for the song and its parts. Just singing at the top of their lungs and I knew that this year had been the best of my life.
"That was great guys." Mr. Blaine got onto his feet and turned towards us while the rest of us clapped our hands for the three that were about to return to their seats when Mr. Blaine high- fived all of them. "Really, really awesome. Great job Mads. But…" He looked less tense than he had five minutes ago but he still frowned. "No… it doesn't feel like the right song for nationals. I'm sorry. It just doesn't feel right." He sighed and put his head in his hands when he had as usual jumped up to sit on the piano.
"Why do you have to be so picky?"
"I don't know." Mr. Blaine pulled out his phone off his pocket. "But I think I have one idea of a song that might work." He sighed deeply as he put up Spotify and searched for a song. Actually, he looked kind of hurt.
"Why don't you even suggest a song?" Lea-Marie glared back at me when I tried defending him. "Instead of only complaining…" I didn't say the very last I thought out loud. "…as usual."
Lea-Marie had, as well as everybody else changed through the year. Maybe taken a bit longer than us others. But she hadn't acted as rudely now since she had shown and sang my heart will go on with a movie about her mum.
Well, either it was that she had changed. Or the way I saw her had changed- or both.
Nobody else said anything while Mr. Blaine got up his song- suggestion in his phone. But I looked around and realized that most of us had our problems. Of course I didn't know everybody very well, or about the problems they had at home. I had mine, and Lea-Marie certainly had hers. I knew some pieces about what the others had too.
And while my brothers and dad had had a reason when they kept telling me mum had left when I was a baby. I didn't act as rudely as some others because things in my life were bad.
Once again I shook my head and forced the thoughts about my mum away.
I had been pretty good at that these past few months.
Flashback
The night there was a fire at Benjamin's house and I went back to my dad and brothers they had originally wanted at the hospital that both Benjamin and Mady would stay for the night for observation.
Mady was still at the hospital when the rest of us went home, as well as her mother, they'd come home in the morning. Benjamin had refused to stay and came with me and my brothers and my dad home in the middle of the night.
"Everything in here looks as it did the last time you were here…" Dad said when we walked into the house. "So I guess you know where everything is." Benjamin was more or less asleep but still nodded. "I'll sort out my room, your mum and Mady can share that one. I'll share with one of the boys. Luis and Diego are mostly gone from this house anyway. But I'm afraid I think you'll have to share with Dakota. Or would you rather share with somebody else?"
"No… Dakota's fine. Unless he's got any complaints about it." I shook my head. The scrapbook I had found earlier laid on the kitchen counter and something clenched in my stomach looking at it.
Everything there was in that scrapbook that I should have known since as long as I can remember but had only just found out.
"We have got one of those foldable tent beds and I think that will do as a bed unless you've got a problem with it." Benjamin tiredly shook his head and the sound of dad's voice pulled me back to here and now. "Do you want to go to bed now and we can deal with the rest in the morning." He nodded. "Okay, that bed is stored up in the garage somewhere. So maybe you can stay on the living room sofa tonight? I still sleep on a double bed after all of these years. But I don't think you want to share with me, I snore- loads."
"Sofa's fine."
"Okay then. Well, Dakota's shorter than you. Luis, maybe you have a pyjamas or something similar to borrow Benjamin for the night." My oldest brother nodded, disappeared for a few seconds and soon came back with a pair of thin sweatpants and a T-shirt. "You already know where the bathrooms are and who has got what room. If you're hungry or thirsty then take what you want from the kitchen. Don't be afraid to come wake us up if there's anything you need. Is that all?"
"That's all, yes." Diego came over and started helping Benjamin with putting them on the sofa, Benjamin went into the bathroom. If I knew him right he would be asleep very soon. I nodded towards my brothers and my dad, got changed into a pair of sweatpants and my softest and biggest T-shirt and then sat down on my bed. I didn't really feel like laying down to sleep right now.
For a few moments the house was all silent. A part of me was back in the night I had ran away, when I had found out that everything they had told me were all lies. All of a sudden I wasn't so sure whether I was happy I was starting to find out the truth or if it just made me feel worse.
"Kota?" Dad came and knocked on my door, then leaned inside the door and almost whispered to me. "Are you asleep?" I shook my head and dad came in and closed the door after him. Then he came to sit on the bed in front of me. "I'm so sorry it ended up like this. We should have told you about your mum…"
"Yeah. You should."
Dad silent for a minute when I had interrupted. And for a moment he just looked ten times older than what he actually would. Then suddenly he stood up and faced me.
"Come on."
"What?"
"Come with me. I'll show you something."
I stood up and followed dad out of the room, he mumbled something to Luis in his room and then laid a hand on my shoulder, took his car keys and led me outside.
I never actually thought about asking where we were going when I got in the shotgun seat and dad started driving. Maybe a part of me already knew. Maybe a part of me knew it was what I always wanted- to know where my mum was.
But no… Now I wasn't so sure.
Especially not as I noticed every turned led us towards the town's cemetery where dad finally parked and got out. He then got around to my side and opened my door.
"Come on."
He led me out of the car and through the gate for the cemetery. Then down a gravel road towards the small chapel, he passed it and went down into the corner furthest away from the road and down towards the very corner of the cemetery. And there, at the very furthest corner, right under a tree he turned and faced the headstone.
I didn't have to look at it to know the name that was on it. But I turned and looked anyway.
Gloria S. Lopez
1980-2002
Beloved wife of Alejandro. Beloved mother of Luis, Diego, Christian, Javier and Dakota.
The greatest gift in life is love.
"Was mum fourteen years old when she had Luis?"
I could barely believe that was the first thing I would think about after all.
"Yep." Dad nodded. "She was just about to turn fifteen a couple of days later. And whatever you say, I've heard it before. Twenty two years old and having a fifth son. It wasn't exactly the way we planned it but it was the only way she would have wanted to. She'd had ten more children if not… well, you know."
"So is that the reason of why I or the others have never had any contact with any of our grandparents." Dad sighed, then nodded. I turned back to the headstone and read it once again. "The whole life and this is all that's left… It's my fault isn't it? She got ill because she was pregnant with me."
"Dakota Dmitri Lopez." Dad laid a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes when I turned my head. "Don't you ever believe that. What happened was not your fault. What happened… those kind of things just happen." I swallowed the lump that had started rising in my throat. "Did you know, by the way, that every time she was pregnant your mother wanted to name your brothers Dakota?" I shook my head.
"I barely knew anything about her until today."
Dad made a sound, it almost sounded as if he was about to choke. A tear rolled down his cheek, he took a deep, shaky breath and then started again.
"Well it was. I never liked that name much, but she wanted to name Luis Dakota, then Diego, then Christian and at last Javier. For your name we were talking about Dmitri. She had almost given up but I knew it was her favorite name. So when she died it felt like the right thing to do. And by then, while your brothers got tired of calling you little brother I knew it was the right name."
"So you never liked my name did you? Or what are you trying to say?"
"I didn't before. But from that moment on I've loved it. And it was the perfect name for our perfect youngest little boy. Just like the others' names turned out perfect for them… Now I couldn't imagine any of you having any other names than you do. None others would be just right. And you are the only one that can say that you got your mother's very favorite name."
I'm also the one who killed her.
I didn't say what I was thinking. Only let hear another deep sigh and read what it said on the headstone again.
"Can you leave me alone?" I asked after a moment of hesitation. "Can I just be alone for a moment? It's in the middle of the night. But I just want to be alone for a bit… well, with mum." I turned towards the gravestone again.
"I'll be in the car." Dad patted my shoulder on the way past me. "Take your time."
I had my sight focused on the grave and the cursive text on it, on top of it was a small, white dove. But I could still hear dad walking away, until the point where I could hear him close the car door and I finally dared talking knowing that he wouldn't be able to hear me.
"I'm sorry."
Suddenly, once again all tears came at once. I sat down on the ground, not caring about that later it would look like I had wet myself. Leaning my elbow towards my knee when I sat Indian style and then my chin in my hand I tried to ignore how wet the ground was under me and how the tears kept streaming.
"I'm sorry…" I said again. "…I'm sorry for all times I hated you. I'm sorry I ever believed you left us. I'm sorry they never told me. I'm sorry I wanted to know what really happened. I'm sorry I can't be the child you and dad wanted. I'm not smart like the others, I don't get high grades. I'm not well-behaved. I'm not even straight. And I'm sorry."
I couldn't even keep talking. All words went into violent sobs and for several minutes I was only crying and no words came out of me. Salt, warm tears streamed down my cheeks and landed on my jacket.
Never had I ever been so disappointed in myself before. If this was what dad felt a smidge of when he saw me turning into another person than he had wanted and planned I felt sorry for him.
In that moment I decided that as soon as this school year was over I would change and become what was wanted of me.
Before I could change my mind and think something else I wiped my tears and stood up. Looking down on the headstone once again I knew more than ever there was nothing I could change about being gay. But of course, I could change the rest.
"I won't disappoint you."
With that I decided I would come back here at least once a week. Although maybe not in the middle of the night when my eyelids were falling closed by themselves. And then turned around, walked back to the car. Dad had turned on the engine so it was warm inside, but he didn't hit the gas and it looked like quite a few tears had rolled down his cheeks too.
I had made one promise to my mum tonight, dad only had to make a single one to me.
"Don't you ever lie to me again."
End of flashback
I couldn't count how many singers there were in the song Mr. Blaine played to us. There kept on coming in one or two new ones like every other line of the song. But it was good. And I couldn't help but to get a picture of a big band that walked onto a stage one by one and started singing with the others who were already standing on the front of the stage and singing.
The song was good, it was really good.
I could see Mr. Blaine's thoughts about us in the glee club working as a team and needing each other. Something that made it right for nationals. But while he played it and I watched Mady who got down into the center of the room and started dancing, I couldn't help but to think back to the night after the fire at our house.
Then to standing by my mum's grave. Deciding that this was the last part of my life I spent my life with music. That within a couple of months I would have to turn to what my dad would have wanted.
"Can you see in front of you how we come in one by one or two by two singing the parts of that song?" Keagan asked. I had been so far gone in my own thoughts I'd not noticed the song was over. "Or if we stood on the stage from the beginning but turned our backs, and then one by one or two by two we turn around and sing a part of the song."
Mr. Blaine didn't say anything at first. He just turned his phone off and laid it to the side without getting down from the piano and then clapped his hands together on his lap.
"First of all, Mady. You're a fantastic dancer." He smirked towards the little girl who smiled brightly back towards him. "Second. That sounds good Keagan. I had actually pictured something like that and third…"
"Don't tell us it doesn't feel right, please?" Lea-Marie said when Mr. Blaine had hesitated for a bit. "That song was great. We could all get each solo."
So that's why she wanted to do the song!
"Actually I love that song." Mr. Blaine gave a slight smile. "I think it would make a great opening number if we do like Keagan just said… And then I guess we've got two of three songs for nationals. But I think I have an idea for the third song too. I'll bring the sheet music by Monday. Have a nice weekend everybody."
Christie's first up. The kidney that she got when Jane Collins died in a car crash it's working fine and chances are so it will for the rest of her life. When she left the hospital after her transplant she promised her old friend June she was going to get the most out of every minute of the rest of her life. June also gave her a silver necklace with a charm that looks like a dove. And then, Christie goes to talk to the Collins's. Although if someone thinks Carole told her Carole could possibly lose her job over this.
Keagan's part. They are doing some songs but Mr. Blaine is in charge and none of them quite feels right. Then he is now friends with Jake, who was the one handing out all those letters to students who are of LGBTQ+. He have got two mums. But then of course, he didn't write them. He only handed them out afraid to become a victim of bullying. Then of course as well, Christie and Jake seem to be kind of looking to each other. And then, some person- possibly transphobic starts beating Keagan up while he is just making his way home. And before his part is over he goes unconscious. This person takes his phone and his wallet and then calls him "Princess"
Then Sharon's part. The rest of the glee club finds out about what's happened to Keagan. But Keagan's going to be alright thankfully. Sharon is of course heartbroken still and will so be for the rest of her life. While she does know that life does go on and there will be more to her life than sorrow. She wrote a poem and then she and Esme are friends again finally. Esme still works as a baby sitter for Sammy and Sharon tries to think of a song they could do for nationals.
In Bradon's pov Keagan is badly hurt but back in glee club. He and Seth did one song, not chosen, Keagan did one song, not chosen. Then Bradon did the last song for the rehearsal and Mr. Blaine finally found one song for nationals. The flashback is from coming home after he hit Alex right in the face for going on on Keagan. I don't remember what chapter it was but it was right after Alma died. Anyway, as it turns out now. Alex was the one to attack Keagan on the street and take his wallet and phone away. But Keagan doesn't want anyone to know because he doesn't want to hurt Mr. or Mrs. Fredericks or Alex's two triplet- siblings Bennett and Haiden. But the only thing he wants is his phone back.
And then, at last. Dakota's part takes us back to when he found out that his mum never left and is actually dead. It mentions that at the beginning of the year Mady was all the time wondering if her dad was coming home. There's also a part about that Lea-Marie's changed even though she's still rude, everybody has just kind of changed. And then they figure the second song which will be the opening number when they go on stage on nationals. Dakota has made a promise to his mum he won't be disappointing. But he just doesn't get that to not be he only has to be himself. He still thinks not to be a disappointment he has to be an accountant or something else like his brothers.
Playlist
(Blaine) With every bit of me- Kevin Borg
(Keagan) One voice- Billy Gilman
(Seth/ Bradon) Rosor i snö (roses in snow)- From the movie "Stjärnsystrar" (star-sisters)
(Bradon) Soldier- Gavin DeGraw
(Charlotte) Coulda woulda shoulda- Celine Dion
(Esme/ Sharon) We'll be the stars- Sabrina Carpenter
(Mr. Blaine's idea) All I need is you- Idol Allstars 2010/ Svenska idol/ Idol sverige
There are two versions of the song all I need is you. They are both written by Andreas Carlsson. There is one version with him along with idol of 2010 (he was one of the judges) and that is the one used here. There's also a version where he's singing, it's similar. But not the same and nowhere near as good as the one with idol. It is amazing, it's one of my favorite songs- check it out.
Earlier, when I've been doing Swedish songs I've sent out translations to English in a bunch of conversations. I won't do that this time because earlier it hasn't seemed like anyone's cared anyway. But if anyone wants to see it translated then leave a review or send me a pm and I'll send it to you.
From the movie an official version of the song was never released. But the whole song is on YouTube, and there sung by Rebecka K. One of the last clips from the movie is there too, but the quality of the clip is terrible and it's only the last verse and the refrain anyway.
The poem Sharon has written is originally written by me and is called "I don't want to leave". It was the first piece I ever wrote in English when I was like 13, 14 years old. If you feel like you could use it for something. Please ask me. And if I say no, please respect that. If I say yes- and I probably will, then please give me credit for it.
When Mr. Blaine shouts "Tack så mycket Bolibompa" is based on reality. It was a bus driver in London who found out me and my family were from Sweden and then shouted that. It was on the bus from the warner brothers' Harry Potter studios back into London… We (My brother, my parents and I) were laughing at it the whole way back.
Bradon's middle name actually is Micheal so I didn't spell it wrong. It was supposed to be Michael. But then when LocalXmusicXjellybeanX sent his form in she accidentally wrote wrong and she thought that suited better.
I'm not sure how it happened that Dakota's mum was only fourteen when she had her oldest child haha. She was a tiny bit older in the form I can see. But the date has been mentioned once before and I can't bother to go back and change it there. So that's the way it is… first one son before she's fifteen and then four more in like… eight years or something like that. Oh dear… Anyway. I know that's weird. Please no hate. It was honestly an accident.
Random fact
It feels as if I am making Alex's character do things that are worse and worse. Maybe it's good for his, and everybody else's sake that this story is over soon. Before he's being accused of murder or something like that.
The ones who review will get each shoutout.
