"WHAT THE NOOK-CHAFING FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?! IF YOU TWO COULD PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF OUR DEAD TROLL JEGUS, KINDLY UNTANGLE FROM ONE ANOTHER'S FRONDS! OR WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE YOU STAR MONKEYS HAVE, AND GET THE FUCK OUT HERE SO I CAN FINALLY END THIS BATTLE ROYALE WITH KANAYA, I WOULD GREATLY GOGDAMN APPRECIATE IT! I REFUSE TO BE WRESTLED TO THE FLOOR LIKE SOME WRIGGLER BY A SNARLING, SPARKLE-INFUSED DAYWALKER, EVEN PLATONICALLY!" His protestations are cut short with a thud, "Really, Karkat? So I Have Not Watched Your Ganderbulbs, On Multiple Occasions, Even, Take A Bit Too Long To Look Away?! I Am Well Aware Of The Entertaining Quality of My Frozen Milk Beverages!" Another thud, and a squawk. "GOGDAMMIT LALONDE! GET YOUR PINK MONKEY ASS OUT HERE!"

We had been kissing for a few minutes, but eventually the entertainment value of listening to Kan and Kar argue and wrestle became too much. I'm curled on Gamzee's lap, breathless from the deep belly laughs that leave a bit of aching. Honks and giggles explode above me, "Motherfuck, Rosesis! Brother's getting all salty with Kancita! She's like to get all blackrom on my palebro, and I'm near certain-like that would just be a motherfucking bite in the ass!" Oh my god. Puns. Why now? I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.

Cool hands brush away my tears, "Fuck, Rosesis? You all upset about a little blackrom? Sorry! Didn't mean to make your water-ducts all up and get rowdy!" What? Oh, right, tears. Trust me, skippy, blackrom isn't a foreign concept. Not thinking about that. Nope. Coughing out a final giggle, I finally look up at the clown. His brows are beetled with worry. Fuck it all, it makes me laugh harder. His hands flutter over my tearing face helplessly while he mumbles apologies. Come on, woman, control yourself. Gasping for air I finally attempt to ease his worry, "G...gamz. I'm fine. It's a human response thing. If we laugh too hard, our brains decide it's a good idea to cry. If I remember correctly, it's an extra burst of endorphins to make the body and mind feel, ah, happy."

Incomprehension floats above me with a grin. "Ain't knowing what an endoorfeen is," Aww. "but if it's your pan telling you to get yourself some extra motherfucking happy, then shit, cry all the time, girl!" I cannot stifle an ironic eye-roll. "Dude. Telling a chick you're...uh...with...to cry all the time is not cool." He beeps my nose, unapologetic. "Guessin' I ain't cool then. Better happy than sad, anyhows." His fingers absently stroke a trail of tears away, "That true, though? Bout them endoorfeens?" His face takes a turn, saddening a bit. "Shit, losing more miracles everyday-like." Papping his forehead I retort, "Yes. Tears do make you feel better." His shoulders slump, "However, that does not make them any less miraculous."

A ghost of hope crosses his face. Really? Believing in miracles this hard makes him happy? My psychologist always said to focus on the little things...Sure. Why not. Can't hurt. "Just because one understands how something works, does not explain why." A little smile toys at the end of his lips, "Whatcha got your meaning on, then?" Was that English? Gah. "What I mean, Gamzee," I reach up to twiddle with his hair (it's sooo fluffy!) "Is that knowing how an action occurs does not necessarily tell us why it does. We know, for example, the sky is blue, because water molecules in the atmosphere are capable of filtering out most colors except that particular hue. Despite the science, we still do not know why that occurs. What prompts the molecules to be able to do that? We know how a leaf changes color for the winter in order to survive, but, as you say, we do not know why 'it all up and learnt to do that' other than 'it does.' That's where the miracles fit in." I finish while I work out a kink in a hank of hair closest to my face. His silence drags on for a bit, making me stop my ministrations long enough to chance a glance upwards.

Gamzee's smile is ridiculously saccharine. Grabbing me by the shoulders, he crushes me into a hug, kissing every inch of my face his lips can reach. I see a tear. Several, actually. They're a lovely shade of lavender. He really does choose the weirdest times to have psychological breakthroughs. Yeah. Like treating a clown-alien in ^space^ isn't weird. Not at all. I can barely make out what he's saying, "Motherfuck, motherfucking miracles up in fucking here, Rosesis! Ain't been believing lately, and you all drop this wicked motherfucking bomb all up in my lap! Gogdamn, sister!" His lipped assault stops as he hugs me harder, using an excited toddler's whisper, "You be giving a motherfucker all that wild belief noise, shit. Makes a brother all...fucking happy." Gogdammit. Now I'm crying too. This is stupid. He keeps muttering thanks and praise in my ear like it's going out of fashion. It's embarrassing. But it's him. If that's what it takes to keep him going, then why the hell not. The world by Gamzee Makara: MiRaClEs.

Our sob-fest is promptly interrupted by the cage-match that bursts through my door. Seriously. I'm about to give up and replace it with a beaded curtain. Karkat and Kanaya snarl and shove at each other, looking equally concerned for their moirails and insanely angry at their adversary. Maybe Gamzee is correct. I hope Karkat's tush is ready for a good biting. Ew. Totally don't want to think about that, ever. Worse than dead puppies. Kan shoves Karkat successfully away, dropping to her knees in front of us, eyes full of anxiety over the state of my teary face, "Rose? Are You Quite All right? Has He Done Something To Cause You Harm?" She spares a venomous gaze at Gamzee, "Has He Been...Untoward?" Gog. If anything I'm the one who's been untoward. "Hardly, Kan." Not like she needs to know that. Nudging Gamzee with a smile and arched eyebrow, I ask silently to go put a calming influence over Kan's over-excited glowing tatas. A gentle push forward and a kiss on the ear gives me the answer I need.

I stand with her assistance, and guide her out of the room. Karkat to grumbles discontent at his moirail while he informs him of the new state of his 'motherfucking miracles'. Taking a deep breath, she stops me on our circuit to my bed, looking me over with an exacting clinical glare. "So. It has been decided then? I cannot say I am particularly pleased about the events of this morning." Decided? Fuck. I still need to apologize to her about, yeah. That. I push my hair behind my ear nervously. "About, that. Kan. I did not mean to offend you when I awoke this morning..." She sniffs imperiously, "I understand that, Rose. You are still unused to the benefits of having a moirail. It is not that of which I spoke." What the hell else could she be unhappy about? "Then what upsets you, Kan?" She guides me the last few steps until we are sitting on the edge of my bed. "What I am unhappy about is." She closes her eyes before she blurts out the source of her discontentment, "I feel that he is taking advantage of your weakened emotional state, and that you are still too fragile to pursue a relationship with anyone at this particular time." Red alert. Bomb Countdown. Owuoooogah.

A twitch works its way back to my eye. Gogdammit I just got rid of that. Be rational. Don't say anything hurtful. "What right do you have to say such a thing to me? I do not remember asking for your opinion on the subject!" Right then. Rational is on vacation. Oh my gog why did I sayyyyy that? Her hurt is clear through her words, "You did not. But I feel compelled to say it anyway. It is my job to question your choices in quadrant partners, to ensure your happiness." Okay, play it cool. Don't be a jackass. She has a point. A seam of irritation works its way into my words, "I understand your concern, Kanaya, but I do not think it is valid." Her shoulders stiffen. Fuck I said something wrong. Fuuuuuck. "You do not value my opinion, then? I will not have my duties to you taken lightly!" Her eyes flash fire as she glares over her shoulder at me. GOG I AM SUCH A FUCKUP! "I never said that, Kanaya! Please understand, this has been a long time coming." (heh. Coming.) Kan's eyes narrow in doubt, but she doesn't speak. I continue, "Ever since I agreed to assist in his recovery, there has always been something a bit...more, to our interactions. Unwilling as I had been to admit it at first. Something about his nature just, beckoned to me, I guess." Probably the part where he's just as screwed up as I am. No. that's not true. He totally gets second prize on the fucked-up-o-meter. No fuzzy giant stuffed animal, just a crappy blow-up bat. Everyone can go home, LaLonde wins all the events in the Crazy Carnival. All of them. Five-eyed goldfish and everything.

Her dismay does not dissipate. "Even so. I do not care for the speed in which this relationship is blooming. I did not think of you as one who would so quickly jump to the concupiscent couch!" Um, what? "It is most unseemly, and I must stress that which burns bright burns quickly." Oh my gog there is so much wrong with this entire conversation. So. Much. GAARERADFASDFASDF. Come on, LaLonde, this is what moirails do. Talk about the hinky stuff. I would much rather jam my knitting needles into my eyesockets.

I turn her so she's facing me, mostly so she can see my confuzzled expression. "So quickly? That's hardly a fair assessment." I'm so not talking about her hints of lewdness yet. She leans back against my bedpost with a huff, "I refuse to count your human therapeutic sessions as courtship. It is not proper." I really want to laugh. Fussy fangs. My smile turns mocking, "What would you consider proper, then? Nothing about this situation is by any means normal." She grouses, "A PROPER matespiritship is composed of romantic gestures made over sweeps, with a good deal of pining and want! And Distance! Lots of Distance! Not to mention a meeting of the moirails to discuss complications! Not once has our stub-nubbed compatriot approached me for negotiation!" OMG I was right! He is my mother in law!Her scandalized outrage is almost too funny to bear. Negotiation?

"Do tell, Kanaya, what negotiations? I don't remember that particular piece of information in Karkat's numerous rants about troll romance." She looks down with a jade blush blooming up to her ears. "The meeting is to determine compatibility, so each can give permission." Like I would need it. "It is also to compare quadrants, to see if members of your clade would be suitable..." Her blush deepens, "for other pairings." Hmm. Pairings. Match maker, match maker...Hang on a hot second! "Kan? You're not saying, um." How do I say this? I can't really see the compatibility, myself. But Cancers and Virgos go well together...She looks up quickly, seeing the disbelief laid clear in my features, "Oh, Gogs, No! No! I Am Not Flushed For Karkat! Gog! Just. No!" Aww. Poor lil' fella! Remembering he is just a few feet away, I motion for her to speak a bit more discreetly, her next words a hiss, "He Would Be Insufferable! If Anything, I Would Be Interested In Blackrom With Gamzee." The tires on my mental bus cease to go round and round.

I try my best to keep my features neutral. This is troll romance. This is how they roll. Be reasonable. Logic doesn't stop my seething resentment. She is my friend. Friends do not do that. See?! This is why troll and human romance doesn't mesh. I fight for control over my temper while teasing out a thread from my bed cover. Deep breath. Keep your cool. My voice is higher than it should be. "I do not believe black romance would be a terribly good idea at this time. He is still moderately unstable, and I fear any emotional upheaval that seems common in blackrom would be detrimental to his emotional state." Yeah. Totally blame it on that. Not the jealousy. Not the fact that I want to see him squirming and tied... uhm. Yeah. A tinge of red dusts my cheekbones. She definitely doesn't look like she's buying it. "Truly? It has nothing to do with your strange human ideals when it comes to romance? I sense you are being disingenuous." Wow. Nothing like smacking a hornet's nest. Super fun. Fussy fangs for the win in making me moderately annoyed.

She moves closer, ostensibly to pap the frown developing on my face. Trolls really don't hold back, do they? I catch her wrist, placing it down on the mattress between us. Her answering chastisement in chitters does nothing to alleviate my annoyance. "Please. Stop for a moment, would you?" She falls silent, eying me with distrust. "I do not mean to offend. You are moderately correct in your assessment. Please remember that I also have my own ideas when it comes to romance. I admit that accepting moiralligeiance with you made it seem as if I was cool with all of this quadrant fuckery, but I'm not. Not entirely. The very idea that you would," I pause long enough to arrange my thought, gogdamn stupid fucking trolls having to know everydamnthing, "be interested in him makes me feel...dolorous." Her other hand has found its way into my hair. Leaning away, I opt to brace myself against the opposite bedpost.

Like I'm every lucky enough for a troll to take a hint. She moves closer, a thrumming coo vibrating her frame as she strokes and pets my arms and shoulders. Hunching away just wins me pats on the back. Just. Augh. I relent, letting her console away. I'm loath to admit it's quite nice. Her arms encircle my waist as she nuzzles the hair near my ear, "Rose! What kind of a moirail do you think I am?! I would never, ever, do something of that kind without your consent. If it twinges your bloodpusher with discontent, then it shall not happen. I am sorry for my eagerness for things to go properly! I just never..." GAAAAHHHH stupid feelings. I finish for her. "Never had the opportunity on Alternia?" She nods into my hair. "Okay. I get it. You want something normal in your life. Understood." Internal siiiiggggghhhh. She continues in a low mutter, "It probably wouldn't have worked with him anyway. I fear my pitch tendencies would be too volatile." Yeah so are my bitch tendencies. "It doesn't make me any more comfortable with the idea. Humans are quite different when it comes to these issues. We practice monogamy." Well. Most of us do. There are those weird t.v. shows...and Utah.

She leans back, giving me a querulous face. "Monogamy? You mean the mammalian practice of ha...vi..ng..." She trails off when she realizes what she's saying, mouth turned down in chagrin. I decide to save her from herself, "One mate? Yes. That would be what I was talking about. I am very much a warm-blooded space mammal." Gog this conversation keeps getting stranger. She studiously traces the pattern on my bed sheet with her finger, probably willing away her faux pas. "Anyway . I do not think it would be a good time for any sort of quadrant shenanigans. We've just agreed to do...what ever it is we are doing." Matespirit, boyfriend, whatevs. "Let us find our way first." She stops tracing, visage still tinged with overwrought tension. "Very well." A slow grin replaces her worry . "So...about the concupiscent couch-jumping?" Gogdamn my life into the billionth circle of obscene tentacle hell. I launch into the most G-rated version of this morning's events that I can. Once I'm done, she pokes the tendon behind my ear tentatively. I bat her hand away with an irate grumble. "My, My, Miss LaLonde! Touchy, aren't we?" Oh fuck you. So hard.


Thanks to Maria & Kitty-bandit! Your wonderful reviews are always a delight to read!

To KB: FYI: Sollux chose to stay behind with Aradia the green sun instead of joining them on the meteor to the next bubble.