Jack practically ran out of the medi-bay and out of the control room. He managed to catch up with the Doctor as he made his way across Jack's office heading to the living room. Jack grabbed his arm to stop him from exiting causing the Doctor to pause. He turned to look at Jack, the suspicion in his eyes clear as Jack used his other hand to close the office door.
"We need to talk," Jack told him. The Doctor's eyes narrowed even further.
"No, what I need to go see my little girl and make her lunch. Then I need to put her down for her nap so that I can go back into the TARDIS to care for the twins for a little while before I make supper for the family. What I don't need to do is talk," the Doctor stated obviously annoyed at the fact that Jack had stopped him from leaving the office.
"Yes, you do," Jack responded his tone matching the Doctors. "While I am happy to see that you are willing to take your pills without prompting, I also know that you have been taking three most days and four on really bad days. We both know that the pills can only help you so far, though and that you need to talk to someone." The Doctor ignored him as he tried to open the door to the office again. Jack stopped him with a firm hand, slamming the door once more and causing the Doctor to sigh dramatically. He turned walking over to the chair in front of Jack's desk flopping in it dramatically before crossing his arms to stare at Jack. Jack leaned against the door, not trusting the Doctor to remain seated as he took his own place at the desk as he was positive that once he moved the Doctor would try to make a run for it.
"It's alright to not be fine," Jack informed him after a few minutes passed and the Doctor continued to just stare at him without saying a word.
"I'm not fine, Jack," The Doctor finally admitted. He leaned back in the chair running his fingers through his hair as he did. "There are times that all I want to take a couple of aspirin and crawl into bed." The statement was benign for anyone expect the Doctor as they both knew that the aspirin would kill him. Jack refused to go through that again as he still had nightmares where he watched the Doctor struggling to breathe due to the aspirin he took. Because of the nightmares, there were times that he could only sleep after he checked the Doctor's bedside table for anything he could use to harm himself and counted his depression pills to be sure that he was taking them.
"You want to die?" Jack questioned him, the words catching in his throat.
"Somedays," The Doctor answered him honestly. There were still days that he had to force himself out of his bed in the morning and down the stairs. Even if he didn't want to, he talked to Francine and the children's doctors. He played games with Imogen and made lunch or supper for his family. He went through all of the motions, acting as if he were okay and hoping that one day he actually would be.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jack wondered wanting more than anything to run over to his husband and hug him tightly while at the same time he wanted to shake him in his anger.
"Because you have enough to worry about with the twins being sick and caring for Imogen," The Doctor informed him. Jack made a rude noise with his mouth.
"Don't give me that crap. If you didn't want to talk to me, Martha has always been here for you as well. You have chosen not to talk to her either and don't tell me it is because she needs to care for the twins as well. We have four other doctors that we specifically brought into care for the twins so that Martha would have time to tend to you as well. So if you don't want to talk to me, then I suggest that you march yourself right back into the TARDIS and talk to her," Jack demanded. He saw the oncoming storm flicker in the Doctor's eyes.
"Or what, you're going to punish me?" The Doctor questioned, his voice deathly calm. It had been years since Jack had actually punished him as he had put an end to it shortly before Imogen was born. Before that, Jack used to spank him when he acted up or scared Jack when they were running on an alien planet. It was fine when it was just the two of them but he didn't want to be submissive to Jack in front of their children.
"No, but I am not going to stop trying to talk to you just because you don't want to talk to me. I love you, Doc and I don't want to lose you again because you feel trapped and see no other way out," Jack explained to him. The Doctor's eyes didn't soften as he continued to glare at Jack.
"You won't lose me again," he answered.
"Then prove it and talk to me," Jack practically yelled in response. The Doctor rubbed his eyes. Bringing his fingers together he pinched the bridge of his nose while leaving his eyes closed for a moment.
"And say what? That I have a loving husband and three beautiful children yet there are days that I still want to die, so I take more pills than I should hoping that they will make me feel better even if it is just for a little while?" The Doctor questioned him.
"If it is the truth, then yes," Jack responded frustrated with his husband. "Taking pills is not a weakness, Doc."
"And that is why you still take yours," The Doctor interrupted.
"We're not here to discuss me," Jack informed him more calmly than he felt. He was quickly getting frustrated with the stubborn Time Lord.
"No, we're here to yell at me because I am actually trying to get better this time rather than just giving into the feelings that keep threating to overwhelm me," The Doctor replied.
"We're here to make sure that you are getting the help that you need so that I don't lose you again," Jack told him. He had meant to say we don't lose you again but he slipped in his worry about the Doctor. "If a few more years is all I get with you then I want to spend those years letting you know how much you're loved. I don't want to lose you because you feel lost and alone and don't see any other choice but to take your own life."
"Some days are just harder than others," The Doctor sighed. "It hurts me to watch Anwen and Wyatt struggle to live, knowing that I couldn't give them enough time to allow them to grow properly in the womb." Jack opened his mouth to speak but the Doctor continued before he could. "And I know what you are going to tell me. That it wasn't my fault that my body couldn't carry them long enough. You are also going to tell me that Anwen and Wyatt are growing despite their energy problems."
"They are," Jack agreed.
"It still doesn't make it any easier to look at my babies knowing that they were born way too early because my body refused to allow them to be carried to term," The Doctor admitted. Jack pushed himself to stand up straight before holding his arms out to the Doctor for a hug. The Doctor stood moving into his husband's arms holding him tightly.
"It hurts me to see them suffering as well, Doctor, but I don't blame you. You tried as hard as you could to make sure that you gave the babies enough time to grow in the womb and you succeeded in giving them a chance once they were born. Despite being born premature and their energy problems, they are alive and thriving. And if some days are a little harder than others for you to get out of bed, just tell me and I will spend as long as you need laying there with you," Jack told him speaking the Doctor's own words back to him. Even if the Doctor knew it wasn't his fault, he had to hear that Jack didn't blame him.
"I'll try," The Doctor promised. Raising his head he pressed his lips gently to Jacks. Jack kissed him back, deeping the kiss for just a moment. He released it as he heard the Doctor's stomach growl it's hunger.
"Bananas for lunch?" Jack questioned him with a grin.
"Always," The Doctor laughed. Taking Jack's hand in his he happily headed out of Jack's office in search of his banana.
