Episode 3x12: New York City Serenade
In an enchanted forest far, far away, yet another charming prince galloped furiously through the forests of British Columbia on his horse. "Faster, Silver! There's got to be a bathroom around here someplace! Oh, and my true love, too."
His wife was frolicking in some glade, as usual. "Hey, baby," she greeted. "I made lunch, but do dead guys eat?"
"This one does."
"Excellent. Did you get the pickles and ice cream?" She patted her baby bump.
Her prince produced a paper bag. "Extra zesty, just like you asked."
"Gods, I love you!"
The fluff was interrupted by the arrival of the Dark Curse, as usual. "I'm back and I'm purple again! Aw yeah!" the Smoke Monster crowed, roiling into view.
"Dude, what the hell?" said Aurora.
"Magic," Philip diagnosed. "Let's panic."
"Sounds like a plan. AAAAAAAAAHHH!" They took cover in a structure with no walls, because logic had never been their strong suit.
The curse sneezed Snow, Charming and the rest of the A-list onto Philip and Aurora's lawn. As the smoke cleared, Snow glanced around, looking confused. "Okay, where's everyone else?"
Aurora squinted at the new arrivals in disbelief. "Snow? What are you doing here, and how did you grow your hair out so fast?"
"Long story short? A wizard did it."
Emma Swan swaggered into an upscale restaurant without beating or arresting anyone, which should have been her first clue that something was off. Her date lovingly took her in his arms and began picking through her hair for fleas. "Walsh, I've told you that makes me uncomfortable."
"Sorry, baby," he apologized. "So, have you beaten up anyone interesting today?"
"Yes, thank you for asking."
"And how's little Henry? Still oblivious to his true genius, I trust?"
"You know it, baby. Now let's eat. Ever since that weirdo kissed me this morning, I've been having the strangest craving for Zoloft cupcakes."
"Actually, I already ordered for you. We're having frozen bananas, monkey bread, Chocolate Monkeys with extra bananas, and spaghetti and meatballs with extra bananas." He uncovered her plate with a flourish.
Emma set the offending pasta aside queasily. "Uh, I'll eat it later."
"Suit yourself." He rose. I have to go call and check on my dark mistress—I'll be back in a jiffy."
Hook plopped down in his vacant seat. "Another love interest, Emma? This is getting to the ridiculous point."
"Ah! You're stalking me!"
Hook looked hurt. "You used to love it." She whipped out her chainsaw, and he cringed. "Don't kill me! I've come to admit that it was wrong of me to stalk you. This is a historic and unprecedented event for our world, so pay close attention. One day you'll be telling your grandchildren where you were when it happened."
"Get out of here, or my boyfriend will bite you."
"But your family's in trouble, and with Gold dead and Henry gone, they have no one else to turn to for guidance."
"I don't have a family. I'm—"
"—a total woobie and nobody loves me," Hook finished tiredly. "Can we skip the angst, please? I already sat through it once."
"What do you want?"
"I'm here to tell you everything you think is wrong."
"You may be sexy, but your pickup lines need a lot of work."
"I'm serious!" He handed her a slip of paper. "If you want to know who your parents are, you can either go to this address or just shut up and listen. Frankly, I hold little hope you'll try the former and even less that you'll try the latter."
"Get lost, you're giving me the creeps."
"Aw, just like old times," Hook smiled wistfully. "Emma, you've already been here, a year ago, remember? You beat me unconscious, tied me up and locked me in a closet." He sighed adoringly. "I think that was the moment I fell in love with you."
"A year ago, I was too busy being a square to have any adventures," said Emma stubbornly.
"That doesn't sound like you."
"I CHOOSE NOT TO NOTICE THAT!"
Hook grinned. "Now that's my Emma!"
"You're crazy!"
"What's your point?"
"Give me one good reason not to punch you in the face!"
"My face is a national treasure, and I'm pretty sure damaging it is a federal offense." Emma drew back her fist. "Ah! I'm telling the truth! Use your superpower!"
"That old thing? I just made it up to scare Henry."
"Regardless, you're happy and at peace with your life, and deep down inside, you know that that goes against all laws of the universe." He stood up, blowing her a kiss. "Later, honey. When you're ready to pull that gorgeous head out of the sand, I'll be in Central Park mugging people at random."
Snow examined her surroundings doubtfully. "Are you sure this is the same post-apocalyptic hellhole we were languishing in a few scant weeks ago? Where are all the ogres?"
"It took us about three days to drive them to extinction. They're blind, for Pete's sake," said Philip.
Snow raised her eyebrows. "And aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Aren't you?"
"Hm, touché." She looked down at Aurora's visible baby bump and smiled. "Congratulations on your sudden, advanced pregnancy—I assume it was conceived out of wedlock?"
"No, I think it must be quintuplets."
"Five times the love! How precious!"
"Ugh, does anyone have a bag I can throw up in?" muttered Regina.
A large, shadowy creature who had been lurking behind her for the past few minutes held one out. "Here you go."
She frowned. "Who are you?"
"I'm that wraith Gold sent to kill you after the curse broke. Since you were dumb enough to follow me to this world, I'm afraid I'm going to have to finish the job now. PREPARE TO DIE!" it roared, opening its spectral jaws.
"Run, Mom!" screamed Snow, grabbing her stepmom by the hand and fleeing. "We can hide out at your place!"
"I'm not living with you!" Regina balked, struggling to keep up in her stiletto heels. "We tried that once, and the world as we knew it ended!"
"But it'd make such a great publicity stunt! And if we shared a kitchen, poisoning me would be a lot easier, if you ever decided to again," the princess puffed.
"Well, when you put it that way, you've got yourself a roomie."
Aurora watched worriedly as her friends fled. "Hey, Philip? You know how I've always been brave and selfless, fiercely loyal, and willing to take great personal risks to help people in need, even if I don't know them all that well?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I quit. Let's immediately sell them out to Zelena."
"What? But she'll kill them!"
"Eh, big deal. It never sticks."
Back at the restaurant, Emma was reading the note Hook had left her. "'815 Ofcourse Street, New York, New York, 10012. P.S., Do you like me? Check yes or no.'"
Walsh sat back down, bearing a covered plate and smiling broadly. "Hey, Emma? Remember how our first ten or twelve dates involved me taking you out for a banana split?"
"Yeah, until finally I got fed up and dumped mine down your pants, and you got the message." She eyed the plate he'd brought back with him warily. "Do I need to do it again?"
"No, don't worry. I'm not going to make you eat this one, it's just for looks." He lifted the cover, revealing an engagement ring hidden in the ice cream.
"What's the big idea? I could have choked to death on that!"
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not that lucky." He dropped to one knee. "Emma, I love you more than bananas, the color green, and my dear daughter Elphaba put together. I think Henry's a great kid with a truly awesome first name. I want us to be a family. Please say you'll marry me, I really don't want to have to kill you."
"Uh…" Emma turned to face the camera. "Quick, go to a commercial!"
Emma fled into the street. "I've got to get home. The wise and all-knowing Henry will tell me how best to handle this."
Walsh ran after her. "Emma, wait! In case you didn't like the ring, I brought you another present." He handed her a loudly-ticking box.
"Not interested."
Walsh cursed under his breath, tossing the box aside. It landed offscreen with a boom. "Guess I'll have to stick with Plan A, then."
"Walsh, you can't seriously be expecting me to commit to a relationship? It's me. Besides, we've only been dating for eight months."
"Haven't you ever heard of love at first sight?" he snapped. "Man, if you remembered whose daughter you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
"Walsh, I do love you, but somehow I always saw myself ending up with a tortured Irish guy. I seem to have a weakness for those."
"Won't you reconsider?" He gripped her shoulders with white knuckles, his eyes wide and panicked. "Please, for the love of God, reconsider!"
She pried him off her. "All right, jeez, take a tranquilizer!"
Back at her eerily furnished apartment, Emma found her son playing Diablo III. "Screw Space Paranoids, this is a man's video game!"
Emma took up the spare controller. "You're a knight and I'm a wizard?" She started laughing hysterically.
Henry raised his eyebrows. "What's so funny about that?"
"I don't know." She frowned.
"Does this have anything to do with Walsh proposing to you and you turning him down?"
"How did you know about all of that?"
"I'm Henry."
"Well, this time, you're only kind of right. I didn't turn him down. I just asked for some time to think it over."
"Is this because he isn't Irish?"
"Well, partly, but I'm also worried about getting hurt."
"Comfort mode," said Henry sagely. "Not every guy is going to frame you for grand larceny and abandon you the way my father did. Some guys will just lock you in a dungeon to die, or cheat on you with your archenemy, or try to tear your throat out with their sharp, simian fangs."
Emma smiled and hugged him. "Thanks for the pep talk, son. I feel better already."
Sneezy sneezed. "Ugh, I should have brought my Flonase."
Happy smiled. "Eternity of drudgery in an underground prison, here we come!"
Dopey looked around, confused. "Hey, what happened to Anton? Is he still our adoptive brother or what?"
A cricket fluttered onto Grumpy's shoulder. "Jiminy, is that you?" The cricket chirped. "Why can't you talk? You always could before the curse." Jiminy chirped again. "Well, lucky for you, I took four semesters of Crickish in college." Jiminy chirped a third time. "You say fifty giant walruses landed two miles away from here?" Jiminy chirped angrily. "Cut me some slack, I'm rusty!" The dwarf ran over to Charming. "Hey, you know all the people in the world who aren't your relatives or close friends? They're still alive, if you care."
"How nice for them," said Charming. "Spread the word—party at our place tonight."
"Will do, boss."
Charming noticed Hook saddling a horse. "Where the hell did you learn to ride? I thought you said you'd been at sea since you were a small boy."
"I swiped a copy of Equestrianism for Dummies from Regina's house before we left," Hook replied, fastening his saddlebags into place.
"Why are you going off by yourself? Are you pouting because you didn't get to destroy either Peter Pan or Rumplestiltskin?"
"No, I'm going to find my ship, or failing that, steal someone else's."
"Pirates steal?" Charming was scandalized.
"But you're a good guy now," Snow protested.
"No I'm not. I just told you that so you'd let me date Emma. She's gone, so I don't see any point in keeping up the charade." He hopped on his horse and took off, chugging a beer and singing Highway to Hell. "Bad boys rule!" he cried into the sunset.
"Don't worry, I'm still a gentleman," said Baelfire, putting an arm around each of them.
"Neal?" Snow looked him over. "Wow, you look amazing in those old-timey clothes. You should wear them more often."
"Aw, thanks. I just came to ask if we could stop by Papa's place real quick. We all know he's too stubborn and too popular to remain dead."
"Neal, your father may have sacrificed himself to save us and everything we hold dear, but that doesn't mean we give a damn whether the old weirdo lives or dies. Look for him yourself."
"But he might be able to reunite us with Emma and Henry!"
"Emma and Henry are a lost cause. Why don't you find a new girl and make another kid?" Snow suggested. "Oh, I've got a friend who would be perfect for you! Her name is Rose Red, and she likes long walks in the woods—"
"Guys, come on, are you crazy?! Whatever happened to 'I will always find them?'"
"It's getting tiresome. We've already found them three times—they're on their own now."
The next day at Emma's eerily furnished apartment, Henry was rifling through his backpack. "Hey Mom, do you have my permission slip for next week's field trip?"
Emma eyed her son thoughtfully. "You're going to school? Is it just me, or does that seem wrong somehow?"
"You're acting weird. Is your fear of commitment acting up?"
"Oh, constantly, but that's not what this is about."
He hugged her. "Comfort mode."
Emma melted into his arms. "You're a good son."
Emma found a note on Neal's door. "Dear occupant, you haven't paid your rent or even been home in over a year. Keep this up and I'll have no choice but to maybe consider eventually evicting you someday. -Your landlord." Crumpling it up and tossing it aside, she jammed a lockpick into Neal's frequently violated deadbolt and kicked in the door. "Hello? If anyone's home, I would have knocked, but that's for sissies."
Her eyes fell on a certain dreamcatcher in the window. "Aw hell, him again? Isn't he supposed to be in Canada?" Then she noticed a camera with a strap bearing Henry's name. Sparks flew from her body, and smoke poured from her ears. "Circuits overloading! Error! Error!"
She found Hook in Central Park, holding a knife to some old lady's throat. Seeing Emma approaching, he smirked. "I knew you couldn't resist me for long." He gave the old lady her purse back and tossed her aside. "Ready to take another crack at that kiss?"
She shoved his face away from hers, lips first. "What kind of mental handicap do you have that makes you think invoking a friendship with the man who ruined my life is a surefire way to gain my trust?"
"This isn't about Neal. I just brought him up to freak you out. Your parents and their kingdom have been cursed, and since Henry is currently unable to ramrod you into helping them, I stepped up to the plate."
"Did you escape from a mental hospital or something?"
"No, that's Belle's gimmick. Look, I know this sounds crazy, but our lives generally do, and that doesn't make them any less real. If you don't believe me, why did you come here?" His face lit up with hope. "Is it because you're hot for me?"
"Ew, no! I'm worried because Neal has a camera with my son's name on it. How dare he take an interest in his child?!"
"He would never do something so monstrous! Henry must have left it behind when you were there last year."
"I choose not to notice that!"
"But it's true!" He offered her a small vial. "Drink this and I can prove it."
"Not gonna happen. You should have just snuck it into my glass at the restaurant when you had the chance."
Hook smacked his forehead. "You're right! How did I not think of that?"
"On second thought, I like a man who can admit he's wrong. Maybe I could come to love you after all."
Hook grinned. "Yes! My fangirls and I were right all along!"
"In fact," Emma continued, "now that we're together, why don't we skip the makeout scene and go straight to the hardcore sex scene?" She held up a pair of handcuffs.
"I'm in love!" Hook cried, eagerly presenting his wrists.
"Sucker!" She shackled him to a park bench and whistled loudly, a pair of cops descending on the pirate.
"Damn it, why do I keep falling for that?" Hook groaned.
"You're under arrest for stalking and harassment," the officers informed him.
"Those activities are frowned on here?" Hook was bewildered. "I'll never understand this world."
As the most dismal Disney parade ever made its way through the forests of British Columbia, Belle tapped Baelfire on the shoulder. "Cool threads, Bae."
"You too, Mom." He looked her over. "Wait a minute, that's not what you were wearing a minute ago. Where the hell did you find a silk gown with matching cloak, gloves, and shoes in the middle of the forest?"
"A chance meeting with the Clothes Horse." She slipped an arm around him. "So, I was shamelessly eavesdropping on your conversation with Snow and Charming a minute ago, and you know how they said you should give up all hope of ever seeing Emma or Henry again? They're full of crap and completely out of character."
"Thank you!" Relieved, he swept her into a crushing hug. "At least I'm not the only one who sees it."
"Always glad to help. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about Rumple's alleged death, and I don't buy it. I only exist to interact with him, so if he's really gone, why the hell am I still here? Plus, he's related to you and Henry, and neither of you can seem to stay dead for long."
Snow and Charming were at the marching at the front of the group, because it was a great photo-op. "Regina's Evil Lair is that way." Snow pointed.
"You mean our Virtuous Lair."
"Whatever. I can't believe I'm voluntarily moving back in with her after she murdered my father in his sleep."
"Well, she seems to be lagging behind us," Grumpy reported. "We could just ditch her, run ahead, and change the locks when we get there."
"Tempting, but I'd better go check on her."
Snow found her stepmother digging a hole behind some trees. "Is that a treasure chest you're burying? You've been holding out on us!"
"It's not a treasure chest, it's my heart. I took it out of my chest because I'm sick of emotions."
"Er…you do remember how that worked out for your mother, right?"
"Granted, it may have caused a few problems, but if she hadn't done it, Rumplestiltskin would have been my father." They both shuddered.
"Be that as it may, this isn't the right way to cope with loss," said Snow gently. "Although it's considerably better than the way you chose when you lost Daniel."
"Bah, what do you know? Anyway, shouldn't you be despairing with me? You just lost your daughter and grandchild."
"Meh, I can always have more, and so can you, once you find yourself another man."
"I don't want another man! I want my son back!"
Snow hugged her. "Comfort mode. At least you've still got your darling daughter."
"Joy," grumbled Regina. "If I put my heart back in my chest, will you shut up and leave me alone for five minutes?"
"Deal." They shook on it, stood up, and headed back to join the parade. A bush rustled as they passed by. "Regina, there's something watching us from the bushes."
"A stalker?" Regina gasped. "Do you think it's Henry?"
"Nah, it's probably just Charming." Snow probed the bush with a stick. "Come on out of there, honeymuffin. I thought we were past this."
A winged monkey shot out of the shrubs and into the sky. "Aw, great, not another airborne foe," Regina groaned.
Snow tugged at her stepmom's arm. "Let's go get Charming. He'll kill it for us."
Regina cast a disapproving glance at her. "Devolve into a damsel in distress if you want, but I've got better things to do." She summoned a fireball and threw it at the monster.
"Not the face! I'm ugly enough as it is!" screeched the monkey, seizing Regina in its claws and lifting her off the ground.
"Way to make us ladies look good, Mom," Snow sneered, grabbing her by the feet and tugging her back down.
"A pox on the Phony Queen of Fairy Tale Land!" a blond hunk yelled, shooting the creature in the back. He offered a hand to Regina. "Hey baby. My name is Robin and I'll be your hero today."
Regina conjured an axe. "Hit on me again and there won't be enough of you left to bury!"
"Hey, I saved your life."
"I'm suicidal, what the hell do I care?"
"I can see I've got my work cut out for me with you," Robin lamented.
"I'll try put in a good word for you," Snow offered. "Name's Snow, or possibly Mary Margaret. I'm not entirely sure what mode we're supposed to be in at the moment."
"Pleased to meet you. Our mutual friend Mulan mentioned you once or twice before she disappeared from the face of the earth."
"Hm, she must have gone to find Ruby."
"Excuse me," Little John interrupted, "but why are you aiding and abetting this mass murderer?" He indicated Regina.
"She's awesome, so her crimes don't matter."
"But she tried to have us all killed, just because we're shameless criminals who live to flout the rule of law!" Robin protested.
"I did?" Regina frowned. "But I thought King John, the younger brother of Richard the Lionhearted, was your archenemy."
"He can't be our archenemy. He was real."
"Guys, this isn't a productive area of discussion," Snow interrupted. "What's with the flying monkeys? They're almost as creepy as Gold's puppets, and I never imagined anything could rival those."
"Beats me," said Robin. "They showed up about when Mulan disappeared. Maybe they ate her."
Before they could speculate further, the wraith came crashing through the trees, out of breath, his glowing eyes fixed on Regina. "There you are!"
"Oh no, not him again!"
"Everybody run!"
"Trying to butter me up with candy, Mom?" Henry followed his mother down the street, Apollo Bar in hand. "Aren't I getting a little old for that?"
"It's not a bribe, it's a reward for the good advice you gave me earlier. I think you were right."
"Of course I am, I always am, but what are you referring to specifically?"
"About Neal. Just because he suddenly and for no reason turned evil one day, that doesn't mean that all men are going to. It was probably just bad writing."
"So you're going to marry Walsh? Excellent. I'll head down to the supermarket and stock up on bananas."
He took off, leaving Emma alone with a bag full of recently-developed photographs, which she stared down at uncomprehendingly. "A non-digital camera in this day and age? Now I've seen everything." Secure in the knowledge that nothing could shock her after that bizarre sight, she opened the envelope and took a look.
Hook ran out of the police station and into Emma's arms. "Thanks for springing me, babe. They force-fed me something called bologna in there, and it was almost as scary as Jello." He shuddered. "So, I've been in the joint for over an hour now, and I can't remember when I last saw a woman. How's about you make love to me and remind me I'm a man?"
"I still have that chainsaw you gave me, now shut up and answer my questions!"
"Ooh, I love it when you get feisty."
She held up a picture of Henry lying dead in her arms. "When the hell did this happen?"
"The first time, or the second?"
Next, she held up a picture of Regina. "Who is this and why do I have the overpowering urge to electrocute her?"
Hook looked unworried. "Don't worry, it's normal."
"And are we making out in this one?!"
"Ooh, can I keep that?"
"No!" she balked. He pouted. "Did you forge these?"
"If I had, I would have made that last one a lot more explicit." The pirate waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"But this isn't possible! How could I forget all of this?"
"Because you're a chip off the old block." He produced the vial again. "You're so cute when you're cynical, but you're even cuter when you're guardedly hopeful, so please drink this."
"But if what you're saying is true, I'll have to give up my life here. I have an apartment with actual furniture in it! How could it possibly get any better than that?"
"Well, you'd be a princess, and a superhero, with parents who adore you, a son who worships the ground you walk on, two sexy, dashing lovers…"
"Hm, I've got to admit, that sounds pretty tempting."
"Do you want to take some time to seek the counsel of the wise and mighty Henry before you make your decision?" Hook offered.
"No, he'd probably be on board with this. He's always telling me to trust my gut."
"That's a relief. I know you'd never be stupid enough to go against his advice again." He handed her the vial.
She took a sip, and a clip show began playing in her head. "Wow, I can't believe how young Henry looks." The savior swayed precariously. "Wait a minute, Hook?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Hey, if you had that potion all this time, why didn't you just give it to me in the first place instead of attacking me with your lips?"
"Hey, I was trying to do things the romantic way. You're welcome."
As the most dismal Disney parade ever resumed its journey through British Columbia, Baelfire greeted Robin Hood warmly. "Hey, Robin. Where's the son you were so concerned about earlier?"
"I stuck him somewhere," said Robin offhandedly. "Where's yours?"
"Hell if I know," sighed Baelfire. "Maybe you and I should take a parenting class or two together."
Belle squeezed between them. "Excuse me, who are you and why are you bothering my stepson?"
He hugged her warmly. "Belle, it's me, Robin!"
She pulled away. "You're not Robin, you dirty imposter!"
"I can see why you're confused. You see, shortly after we last saw each other, I was attacked by a dragon who burned my face off. I had to undergo extensive plastic surgery. I was also blinded in both eyes by a basilisk, so I had to get a double eye transplant. And I had my hair bleached and straightened just for the hell of it."
"Well, you look gorgeous." She pecked him on the cheek.
"Right back at ya, babe. So, how are you still alive after you pissed off Rumplestiltskin?"
"I seduced him."
"My condolences."
Regina was checking him out from several paces ahead. "So Snow, what do you think of our new friend?"
"He's way cuter than Daddy. I think you'll be very happy together. Outlaw Queen forever!"
Regina grimaced. "Snow, I know how much you want a father figure, but I don't think this guy is for me."
"Have you learned nothing from the story of Emma and Hook? When the fans want you together, God himself cannot keep you apart."
"But he smells like forest!"
"So bathe him. Hey, that'd make a great smut fic." Snow took out a quill and started writing excitedly.
Luckily, they reached the outskirts of the Royal Lair a few seconds later, providing Regina with a change of subject. Approaching the grounds, she found her way blocked by an invisible forcefield. "What's this? Some kind of Under the Dome crossover?"
"Let's A-Bomb it," David suggested.
"No, wait, it's a protection spell," Regina diagnosed. "Looks like we've got squatters. Do you think it was Goldilocks?"
"No, I'm right here." Goldilocks raised her hand.
"Well, whoever it is, they should know better than to piss me off." She conjured an oven. "Pick me some apples, kids! I'm making turnovers tonight!"
"Regina, last time you flew into a rage and made war on your enemies, we kicked your butt," Snow reminded her as gently as she could. "Maybe we should all find someplace to lay low until you cool off. Plus, we've got all these pesky subjects whose safety we're obligated to look out for." She nodded resentfully at her companions.
"You can come crash at my place," Robin Hood offered. "I'll even let you bathe me. Yes, I heard you. I was standing four feet away, you know."
"You know you want to, Regina," Charming said knowingly. "Lead the way, Robin."
Regina pouted. "But I wanted revenge."
"No revenge until you eat your vegetables!" her stepdaughter scolded.
As they turned to leave, the wraith suddenly swooped down behind them and reached for Regina. "There is no escape!"
"Aw, not him again!" Snow and Regina grabbed hands and ran. "Quick, Robin, cover our retreat!"
Emma took Hook back to her place. His face fell when she made no move to take off his clothes. "It wasn't nice of you to get my hopes up like that."
"Not now, Hook. I need booze." She took a large bottle of McCutcheon's out of the cupboard and poured them each a drink. "So what are you doing here? You're a pirate, shouldn't you be, you know, pirating?"
"Yes, can you please point that out to your parents the next time we see them?" Hook griped, taking a swig. "To answer your question, someone sent me a message that a new curse had taken everyone but me, apparently, back to Storybrooke. It was the perfect excuse to come hit on you again, so I grabbed it with both hands."
"And just how did you get here? Isn't that supposed to be impossible?"
"The White Rabbit gave me a lift."
"Oh. I wonder who's responsible for this new curse? It obviously wasn't Regina—that'd be way too predictable."
"Agreed. Maybe it was Maleficent. I mean, granted, I killed her, but so did you, and that didn't seem to slow her down much."
"That's the best theory you could come up with, Hook?" Emma threw her drink at him. "You're the lamest mentor I've ever had! Oh, if only Henry wasn't brainwashed. How am I supposed to get him to believe in all this crap, anyway? He's never going to buy it, and I'm going to look crazy."
"Well, what goes around comes around." The pirate thought a moment. "Wait a minute, why don't you just kiss him? Theoretically, shouldn't that restore him?"
"Yeah, but he won't let me. He's older now and he says that kissing your mom is for babies." The doorbell rang. "Aw, great, Walsh. I'll have to get rid of him before this love triangle turns into a pyramid."
"If unloading him proves difficult, I could pretend to kidnap you," Hook offered.
Emma rose. "No, I've got to be sensitive about this. I know what it's like to get jilted by someone you love at a pivotal moment in your relationship for reasons you can't possibly understand. Maybe I could try telling him, 'look on the bright side, at least I didn't frame you for grand larceny.'"
Emma led Walsh up to the roof, because she figured it was the safest place to take someone you're about to piss off. "Sorry I couldn't invite you in, Walsh, but I didn't want that nutcase Hook challenging you to any duels."
"I can hold my own. So, do I hear wedding bells or funeral dirges in our future?"
"Neither. I can't marry you because my parents need me."
Walsh rolled his eyes. "You're an orphan—was that really the best excuse you could come up with? What's this really about? Is your fear of commitment acting up again?"
"Oh, constantly, but that's not what this is about. Look on the bright side, at least I didn't frame you for grand larceny."
"Weak, Emma. Weak."
"Uh…what I meant to say is, I'd love to stay together, but I have a feeling I'm about to be abducted by pirates." She took out her phone to text Hook.
Walsh smacked it out of her hand. "Cut that out! Emma, your parents may have given you life, but I gave you the precious gift of furniture! How could you leave me for them?"
"I'd love to explain, but the last time I revealed the truth about the curse to a guy I loved, he dropped dead." Emma burst into tears.
"You're lying. The real reason you're leaving me is because I'm not as hot as Hook and Baelfire, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, that's part of it, but…" Emma gave him a double-take. "Hold up, what?"
Walsh smirked. "You didn't really think you were going to get away with having a boyfriend without a secret past full of dark magic, did you?" He shapeshifted into a winged monkey and flew at her.
"Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" she growled, whipping out her shiny new chainsaw and swatting it over the edge of the roof. It hit the pavement below, dissolving into a cloud of sparkly dust. "This is no time for an Enchanted reference. I almost died!" Emma growled, putting away her weapon.
Hook bounded through the door. "Swan! Oh, thank goodness-I was spying on you from behind the door, and when I didn't hear voices, I feared you might be making out!"
Emma ignored him, staring at Walsh's remains in horror. "So, does that count as bestiality, or…?"
"I won't tell anyone if you promise not to tell anyone I fell for your handcuff trick a second time," Hook offered.
They shook on it. "Deal, now let's go pack."
As Emma prepared breakfast for her son, Henry gave her a worried look. "Mom, this is the third day in a row you've made me scrambled eggs for breakfast. What gives? Did you, like, get amnesia and now that's the only thing you remember how to make?"
"Yes and no, honey." She gave him a calculating look. "Henry, do you believe in magic?"
"No, I don't."
She clutched her head. "Ow. Hearing those words from you goes against all laws of the universe."
"Why are you acting so strangely? Do you miss your boyfriend?"
"No, there are plenty more where he came from."
He reached for his backpack. "Well, whatever, as long as you don't start shacking up with wanted criminals again. I have to go to school."
She clutched her head again. "Ow! This is just wrong!"
"What are you talking about, Mom?"
"You won't be going to school today. For one thing, it's a waste of time because you've got more knowledge than all the teachers in the state put together, and for another, we have to go to Maine. You in?"
"Sure."
"Good, because you don't have a choice." The doorbell rang, and Emma sighed. "I'm going to open it, but you have to promise to keep your lips to yourself!" she yelled through the door.
"I promise nothing," the voice on the other side yelled back.
"I hate my life," muttered Emma, opening the door for him. "Henry, this is Killian. I'm, uh, helping him find the lizard who took his hand."
"Hey Henry, long time no see," Hook greeted. "I'm going to bond with you, and you're going to like it or get sold out to the nearest supervillain, capisce?"
Henry looked unworried. "Why are you dressed like that?"
"It's about time someone asked me that, but you're still a brat."
"Killian, don't pit yourself against Henry. It's a battle you can't win." She pointed him toward the living room. "If you're still trying to win me over, you can start by carrying my luggage. Henry, go with him and make sure he doesn't steal anything."
"We're leaving now?" Henry checked his watch. "But it's not eight-fifteen."
"I know, but we need to do this quick, before I change my mind." His mother donned her red leather jacket and a nametag reading Savior. "Tallyho," she grumbled unenthusiastically.
Emma drove her Love Bug down the only street in Storybrooke and got out, looking haunted. "This place is still a dump. Why don't you ever take me anywhere nice?"
"I could take you lots of places, if you'd just kiss Henry and end this curse," said Hook, indicating her son, who was currently comatose like a good Charming.
"I told you before, he doesn't like being kissed anymore, and I won't disregard his wishes. Besides, I seriously doubt it will be that easy." She heaved a longsuffering sigh.
Hook screwed his titular appendage back into place. "That's better. I was starting to feel a little undefined."
"How am I supposed to explain that to my son?"
"I'd be more worried about how you're going to explain the flying monkeys."
"I choose not to notice that!" yelled Emma, storming off. "I'm going to see my parents—try not to sell Henry to anybody while I'm gone."
She went up to the Princess Pad and knocked on the door. "Open up! You've got all my stuff in there!" The door swung open, to reveal David standing on the other side with a gaping hole in his chest. "Um, hi, mister. You may have noticed that I bear an eerie resemblance to you and your wife. Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for that, though I don't know what it could possibly be." He just stared at her. "Uh, comfort mode?"
"That's my girl!" The quasi-prince swept her into his arms adoringly.
"You remember!"
"You remember! Oh my gods, no one in our family has amnesia? This is a first."
"Actually, Henry does."
"Damn! So close!" He snapped his fingers. "So, why did you come to Storybrooke? Were you feeling too psychologically healthy, and in the mood for a change?"
"No, Hook brought me. Incidentally, it's nice to know some guy I never even dated put more effort into finding me than my own parents." She glared at her father.
"Hook? What? Why wasn't he cursed?" David brushed it off. "Eh, like I care."
"Ditto. So, if you guys haven't lost your memories or your loved ones, what's the point of this new curse? To torment you all with the twin evils of antibiotics and indoor plumbing?"
"Well, we did get some amnesia, although it was a relatively mild case this time. We've lost our memories of the past year."
"Is that Emma I hear? Yes! Now the action can finally start!" Mary Margaret cheered from upstairs.
Emma watched closely as her mother descended the stairs. "Well, you're taking great pains to hide your midsection from me, so I assume you're preggers."
"Aw, you spoiled my surprise," Mary Margaret pouted, finally revealing her swollen belly.
Emma was stumped. "Who the hell could have done this?"
David raised his hand. "I did, of course." He glanced nervously at his wife. "Right?" Mary Margaret nodded.
"No, I meant the other thing," said Emma.
The Wicked Witch of the West was preening in front of her mirror. "Mirror, mirror on the wall? Who's the hammiest one of all?" She knocked on the mirror's surface. "Answer me, damn it! Oh, right, mine doesn't talk." She took out a thirty-foot list entitled Things to Steal from Regina, and penciled in "magic mirror" between "lair" and "methods."
A winged monkey came flying through her window. "Chistery, you're back. Did you get the stuff?"
The monkey held up a bloody talon. "Right here, but don't you already have her blood flowing through your veins?"
"Maybe I do and maybe I don't," she said coyly, scraping the blood into a vial. "Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my revenge on the cruel mother who left me for dead in the woods as an infant." The monkey screeched unintelligibly. "What?" Another screech. "She's already been killed?" The monkey nodded. "Well, what am I supposed to do now? I've got to get revenge on somebody!"
"How about Regina?" the monkey suggested.
"I guess she's as good a target as any." The witch raised a fist angrily. "She exists! She must pay!"
A/N: A big thank you to cynicsquest for her help with this one!
