Thanks Sherry and Paige! You two are the best betas in the whole world!
"Life is bigger
It's bigger
And you, you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough."
-R.E.M.-
EPOV:
"Edward?"
Mom's voice is exhausted and I feel guilty for waking her up like this. I just couldn't wait until tomorrow. As soon as I put Charlie back in his crib, I was compelled to reach for my phone and call my mom. I just needed to hear her voice, needed to feel her with me because now my emotions were all over the fucking place. All the love I've been denied for all these years has come crashing down on me and I don't know how to fucking handle it. All of these emotions make me want a drink, or a smoke, or just fucking something. Anything to calm my body down and distract me. However, I have so much to lose now. It's not just me anymore. So, instead of running off to the bar like a coward, I call my mom instead.
"Hey, mom. Sorry to call so late," I begin awkwardly. I rub my face with my hand—a nervous habit—and take a deep breath before continuing. "I read all those letters dad gave me and some of your cards…" I trail off.
She's silent for a moment, and right before the silence grows heavy, she says, "I always thought about you. Every day we've been apart, I was thinking about you. I'm so sorry this has been kept from you for so long."
"I'm sorry too," I say, mostly to myself. "It's weird, reading this all at once."
I hear a soft laugh from her before she says, "I bet. This all must feel very weird."
I laugh as well, because I don't know what to say. It's beyond fucking weird. Everything I thought I knew has been a lie. What's also strange is that I'm no longer angry. I've harbored so much anger and now it's all gone. My anger had turned to sadness, then that turned into being completely fucking numb, and now acceptance. I'm not thrilled about the situation, but I can't change it. I just want something positive in my life and I can't have a positive future if I keep dwelling on my fucked-up past.
"I wish I'd seen them sooner, but I'm happy to read them now. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to write me."
A mirthless laugh escapes her lips. "It was hard. Leaving you was hard, and after I gave you to your dad I hated myself. I felt like such a coward. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I should have been there for you. I don't even recognize the woman I was then. I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I honestly thought that leaving you with your dad was the best decision I could've made. I thought if I ran away, Charles would find me. If he found us I couldn't begin to imagine what he would have done."
I shudder at the thought. If he was capable of abusing a fucking baby, who knows what else he could've done. Leaving could've been dangerous for us, and I know she couldn't afford to take that chance. I can't even begin to understand what she must have gone through.
"You did the right thing," I finally say. "Thank you, mom. For having the strength to let me go." It sounds lame when I say it, but the words flow out before I can think about them.
"I wanted to keep you so badly," she says with a soft sob. "I was so afraid you would hate me when you found out the truth."
"I could never hate you," I say in a strong voice.
Fuck, how could I hate her? I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for her. She did the best she could.
"I love you, Edward."
"I love you too," I say without hesitation. "Those cards, though. God, they broke my fucking-." I stop immediately, feeling my cheeks grow hot with my discomfort. "Freaking," I continue, apologetically, "heart. They were just so sad. I mean, those children's book quotes…why did you write that?"
"I missed reading to you," she softly states. "I used to read to you every night. I missed that so much. I missed watching your eyes light up as you would listen to my voice. The Giving Tree and Winnie the Pooh were your favorites. At least, they were my favorites to read to you. I would read them every night after you were gone. I suppose it was my way of pretending you were still with me. They became so meaningful when you were no longer in my life to hear them. I would read The Giving Tree and just weep, because I would understand completely. I would give you everything I had, Edward, and after that, I'd hope to still give you more."
The thought of her reading alone is so devastating. I just want to hold her and tell her that everything is alright. Both of our pasts have been complete shit, but we have a chance now to make it better.
"You have me now," I finally say. I don't know what else to say, I don't know how else to comfort her. "You can read to Charlie whenever you like," I add to lighten the mood.
"I would love to do that." I can hear the smile in her voice. She pauses for a moment, before adding, "Do you think you'll have another baby with Bella?"
Fuck, another baby? Just the thought of another baby to take care of makes me want to pass out. However, if Bella wanted one I know I wouldn't be able to deny her that.
"I don't know, mom."
"You two would make beautiful babies."
I roll my eyes and laugh. What a mom thing to fucking say. I've got to smile at the thought because it's so nice to have a mom that says these sorts of things, it's definitely a 180 compared to the type of mom Elizabeth was to me. As awkward as fuck as it is to have my mom comment on Bella and me 'making babies', it still makes me smile.
"Thanks, mom." I chuckle.
I hear her yawn and I feel bad for calling her so late. It's past midnight and I'd been too antsy to wait. "I'll let you get back to bed, mom. I'll call you tomorrow."
"It's fine, Edward," she says in a tired, yet happy tone. "I always love talking to you. If you have any questions, you can always call me. I know those letters were a lot to take in and I want you to know that I'm here for you, sweetheart."
"Thanks, mom. Get some sleep."
"Goodnight, Edward," she says in a sweet voice.
"Goodnight, mom."
I hang up feeling so much better. Fuck, I'm tired. I rub the sleep from my eyes and allow my body to collapse against the couch. This day has been a fucking trip and I just want to close my eyes and pass the hell out.
"Coming to bed, babe?"
I sit up and turn around to see my girl in her pajamas with a tired, yet beautiful smile on her face. "Sorry, baby. I know I've neglected you all night."
She rolls her eyes and gives me a silly grin. "You weren't neglecting me, but now that you're done, I'm ready for you to join me. It's hard to fall asleep when you're not wrapped around me."
I laugh because she's fucking right. My girl definitely loves to cuddle and while I love feeling her soft body against mine, it's hard to fall asleep with a face full of hair and one of my arms going numb because it's wrapped around her. Regardless of that shit, I love holding her, and will usually hold her until she's sound asleep and then I'll get comfortable and pass out myself.
"Let me get ready and then I'll meet you in bed," I say as I jump up from the couch. I give her ass a nice slap as I pass her on the way to the bathroom.
She looks so fucking cute when I finally meet her in bed. She has the covers pulled up to her pretty face and her eyes are wide as I make my way toward her, completely naked. I smirk at this. While I love turning her on, that's not the only reason I sleep naked. Mostly, it's just fucking comfortable. As soon as I join her beneath the covers, she wraps her arms around me and gets comfortable. I thought I wasn't in the mood for sex after the emotional fucking night I had. However, as soon as she wraps her warm, soft little body around me, it seems my cock has other plans. She must feel my hard on against her hip, because she smiles at me and begins to kiss my neck. Her lips feel amazing against my warm skin and as soon as they descend to my chest, any negative feelings I had faded away and all I can focus on is how incredible Bella feels.
"Let me take care of you," she whispers as her lips continue their descent.
A moan escapes me as I feel her tongue on the inside of my thigh, licking everywhere besides where I fucking want her most. She knows this drives me fucking mad and she also knows I love every fucking second of it. She has me fucking begging after a few minutes and she gives me a sexy smile before finally granting my wish. She wraps her lips around my cock and my eyes roll back in my head. I run my hands through her hair as she bobs her head up and down on my cock. Fuck, I don't deserve this girl. Her oral skills are out of this world and it doesn't take long before I'm falling to pieces.
"Baby, I'm going to come soon," I moan through gritted teeth. Fuck, my control is slipping.
With a wicked look in her eyes, she lowers her mouth on my cock until I feel her throat. When I feel her gag around me, I can't fucking contain myself a moment longer. I come with a roar and all the tension in my body disappears as my ejaculate shoots down her throat.
She gives the tip of my cock a quick kiss, before crawling back up my body until she is wrapped in my arms. "I love you, babe," she says with a yawn.
"Want me to reciprocate?" I smile, as I trail my hand up her thigh.
"Tonight was about you," she says.
Although she doesn't stop me from playing with her wet pussy.
"I was thinking," she continues, as I casually slip a finger inside of her. "Tomorrow we both have the day off, maybe we can go look at that house I was talking about?"
"So soon?" I ask, more focused on her pussy than what she's saying.
"Well, our leases are up pretty soon." She moves my hand away from her pussy and I frown like a kid who'd just had his candy taken away.
"That's fine," I sigh, wanting to get back to the matter at hand. "Whatever you want, babe."
She smiles at me and opens her legs. A deep laugh escapes me as I look at her. God, she's fucking good. Here I thought I was in charge of this relationship, but like always, Bella proves me wrong.
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House hunting wasn't as stressful as I'd originally thought. I'd imagined it would consist of homes I couldn't afford with a realtor who had a judgmental look in their eye the entire time. That's pretty much the experience I had when I was apartment hunting. Except that was a fucking apartment. If I got judgmental looks for renting a decent apartment, I couldn't imagine the ones I would get for trying to buy a fucking house.
Per usual, Bella makes me smile in every situation we're in. I'd been a wreck this morning, and fuck if I knew why. Why did everything make me feel so fucking nervous? I guess it's because this whole house thing is a giant step and it all sounds so permanent. I'm not a commitment-phobe or any shit like that, however, I don't like to feel locked down to something. I know this is a step in the right direction and I know I would like to be surrounded by family, so I don't know what's holding me back.
Today, we're looking at the home near her sister's. I was practically fucking hyperventilating on the drive over because this is such a huge step for me. Bella, being the beautiful, amazing girlfriend she is, places her hand on my upper thigh in an effort to calm me down while I'm driving. I shot her a small yet unconvincing grin before turning my attention back to the road. When we finally pull up to the house, I'm surprised with how much I really like it. I don't know what I was expecting, but this house is much better than any shit I could have come up with in my head. It's made up of tan bricks, giant windows that looked to be peering out of every room, and a bright red front door. It's perfect for us.
The realtor is an older woman, whose eyes widen as she sees us, before her face breaks into a kind smile. I'm fucking relieved, because you can always tell when they don't take you seriously. She gives us a tour of the house, and I'm ecstatic to see that the interior is just as nice as the exterior of the house. It's a good size, with wooden floors, a comfy atmosphere, and a huge kitchen. The basement is fucking awesome. I can already imagine having a little theatre set up down here now. Maybe a play area for Charlie? I don't know, this house just has so many fucking possibilities.
"Do you like it?" Bella questions with a small smile.
Charlie wiggles in my arms to face her. "No," he says before cracking himself up.
A laugh escapes my lips before I finally answer, "Yes, babe. I love it. It's kind of perfect, isn't it?"
"I think so." She smiles.
"Are you ready to see the backyard?" Ms. Thompson, our realtor, asks.
I say goodbye to the basement I could easily imagine as my future man cave, and follow Ms. Thompson outside. The backyard is awesome as well. Fenced in and big enough for our son to run around and play. It has a huge oak tree and I can already picture myself building a nice treehouse for my son. Of course, he's much too young now to play in one, and when he finally is old enough I'd monitor the shit out of him to make sure nothing ever happened, but it's a nice thought nonetheless.
"What are you thinking?" Bella asks, coming up to stand by my side as I stare out at the backyard.
What am I thinking? I feel like I can see my entire fucking future, and for the first time in what feels like fucking forever, the thought of my future doesn't seem horrible. It seems…nice. Better than nice actually. I can't find a word to really describe it, but everything about this home just feels right. Being a husband, father, and homeowner was never what I'd imagined for myself. I guess life is just funny like that. We just never know what lies ahead.
"It's perfect," I hear myself say, as my mind is still occupied with thoughts of playing with my son in the backyard as he gets older.
"Daddy, look it! Look Daddy, I get da ball!"
Charlie is so fast, I can barely catch him as he zig-zags back and forth to evade my arms. I step behind our oak tree so I'm out of sight, and sneak up on him as soon as he stops to look for me. He squeals as I pick him up off the ground, his brown hair hitting me in the face as he laughs uncontrollably.
"Daddy, stop it! Daddy, down!"
I give him a quick kiss on his sweaty, little forehead, before placing him safely back on the ground.
"Why don't you go find mommy?"
Charlie's face lights up and he runs toward the patio. Bella's reading as she sips on a cup of tea. She looks so beautiful, with her glossy brown hair up in a bun on the top of her head, her face lightly made up to show just how naturally fucking beautiful she is, and her belly round with our baby. Never has she looked more stunning. If only she believed me when I told her so.
"Mommy!" Charlie screams as he runs to her. "I got da ball, mommy!"
Bella gives him a loving smile before dropping her book-before bookmarking her page, of course-and pulling Charlie onto her lap. He gives her his Nerf ball and throws his arms around her neck.
"That's awesome, baby. I didn't know my son was so talented."
Charlie ignores her compliment and asks, "Will brotha play wif me?" Pointing to her pregnant stomach.
"Of course! He'll need his big brother to teach him to play."
Charlie smiles. "I do that!"
"You'll be the best big brother in the whole wide world," Bella tells him with a huge grin.
Charlie smiles back before kissing her cheek and getting comfortable in her lap.
"Edward?" Bella asks, pulling me from my daydream.
Fuck, I was just imagining her pregnant. What the fuck? I fucking blush and can't bring myself to look at her. Where did that even come from? I went from being scared of having a baby of my own to fucking fantasizing about it? Even though my little fantasy took place years in the future, it still gave me chills.
"Edward, what's wrong? Where'd you go just now?"
I shrug, wanting to play it off like nothing happened. I bounce Charlie in my arms and say, "Nothing, babe. I was just thinking I like the house."
She gives me a look that illustrates how little of my bullshit she's buying, before smiling and saying, "I really like it too. I think it's perfect for us."
Us. After all the months we've been together, hearing her say this still makes my heart fucking flutter. I never really understood the whole 'butterflies in your stomach' stuff, until Bella says something that makes my breath catch and my heart race.
The realtor comes back and she looks fucking thrilled. Bella and I must be incredibly transparent with our thoughts, because it seems rather obvious that we're going with this house. As we go inside to talk about the logistics of it all, I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that we're going to be homeowners. I went from being stoned on various friends' couches, to living with my parents in my mid-twenties, to having an apartment of my own, to becoming a fucking homeowner. I can't keep the grin off my face as we talk to Ms. Thompson and make plans to come back to sign the paperwork.
"So, it'll be nice living next to your sister," I comment as we make our way back to our apartment, leaving our future home and a happy realtor behind.
"Yeah, Alice is going to be so excited. I'm almost hesitant to tell her because I know she'll be talking my ear off for days." Bella giggles. "She's already super excited about getting together for Thanksgiving coming up."
Thanksgiving. That means I'll be meeting her father soon. I can't describe how nervous that fucking makes me. I don't know why, Bella assures me that while her father is 'rough' and 'taciturn', he'll still love me because she loves me. Somehow, I doubt that it'll be that easy. I've never had a girlfriend; therefore, I've never met someone's dad under these circumstances, still I hear dads are very protective of their daughters. I just want to make a good first impression, and unfortunately first impressions are not something I'm good at. I'm the sort of guy you have to really get to know before you can decide whether you like me or not. Hopefully, Bella's dad will like me, because I know things will fucking suck if he doesn't.
"I know it's two weeks away, but should I bring something for dinner? I mean, I could pick something up or something like that," I suggest, feeling incredibly awkward all of a sudden.
Bella gives me a relaxed smile. Apparently, she isn't too worried about the whole meeting her dad thing. "I'm going to bake a few desserts. You can help me if you want."
I could do that. I mean, I've never really tried to bake anything before, but it can't be that hard. "Sounds good," I say nonchalantly.
"You seem worried about something," Bella says with a giggle.
I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to admit how nervous her dad makes me.
"Edward, my dad is going to love you. Don't worry about it."
She says this, but she doesn't seem too convinced herself. It almost sounds like she thinks if she says it enough times she'll start to really believe it's true.
"Isn't he a cop or something?" I ask, trying not to sound nervous about the idea.
"Chief of police," she quips with a smile.
I can tell she's trying very hard not to laugh at me.
"Edward," she says, her voice serious now. "It's going to be fine. You're my fiancé and you make me incredibly happy. That's all that my dad cares about. If he sees that I'm happy, he'll be happy too."
Fuck, I hope it's that easy. My life has felt like such a roller coaster lately and I want something to run smoothly.
A/N: It seems Bella really runs the show . Thanks for everyone who is reviewing this story! It means the world to me and I love reading your thoughts.
Also, I'll be posting unedited teasers for each chapter in my Facebook group from now on! So, if you haven't joined I would love to have you! It's The Highlander Princess's Clan.
Song- "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.
