Day 83
The cost of a non-electric grain mill pre-NRS - $60.00. The cost of a one-year supply of shelf stable survival food for one person pre-NRS - $2500.00. The cost of a "day of rest" post-NRS – priceless; whether that is a good thing or not I haven't decided.
I only did basic chores today. Cooked, checked over my plants, took a very short turn on guard duty, that sort of thing; nothing major. I pretty much enjoyed it; or did until I found I had time to think. Scott … I think it gave us both too much time to think. He mentioned the rental properties for the first time in a long time. He worried over our finances, despite the bad news we've heard there is still a possibility that we'll still be held accountable for our lives as they once were. We worried about the possible legal ramifications of everything that we are doing and that has happened in the recent past. We've been in survival mode for so long that when we did have the opportunity to stop or slow down, all the thoughts we've held at bay up to that point came crashing in. What happens in the long run? Do we start from where we left off or are we back to square one or even less? What kind of future can we give our kids? The far future scares me as much as the short term future does … maybe even more than the zombies do.
I've tried really hard to manage my thoughts. Not to get too angry. Not to get too sad. Not to get over excited. Not to get too disappointed. It doesn't always work. I'm not even sure at this point if it's healthy. David, Rose, James, Sarah, Bekah, Bubby, Johnnie, Sis, Kitty … so many to be responsible for. Yeah, I know nearly half of the kids aren't ours biologically. And yeah, I know David is an adult and Rose and James might as well be, but it doesn't change the fact that in my mind and heart they are all now my children.
Scott and I talked. We don't know what to do about Sis and Bubby. On the surface it would be selfish to deny them the opportunity of finding a home with Jack and Trish. But I've been watching over them since we first came together as a group. They call me Momma Sissy like nearly all the kids in Sanctuary do. Heck, even Cease calls me that. Sometimes they forget and just call me Momma like my biological children. Scott is Poppa Scott. Oh Lord, how could I ever just give them to someone else?! I know I have to do what is best for them; I just don't know if I want to know what that is because once I do, I have to make decisions.
There have been so many thoughts chasing me around today. Scott too I think. He's been angry and distant, like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he's plenty upset about it. It's made me feel even more cut off and alone not being able to get close to him. I want so badly to get some comfort from him but that isn't happening right now. I don't know if he has any to offer anyway. I'd like to comfort him, but I don't know how to do that either.
I know I need to be stronger but what happens when you realize strength may not be enough? I'm not even getting a dial tone on my cell any longer. It made Scott angry today – angrier – when he saw me cranking it again. He wanted to know if I didn't feel enough grief without continuing to expect a miracle. Just admitting that it would be a miracle for my parents to still be OK is almost more than I can bear.
I feel so stuck in this twilight zone of grief and misery. I know there are things to be grateful for and appreciate; certainly the children fall in that category. But thoughts of the children lead me back to thoughts of the future; our future. Do we even have a future? If so, how do we measure it? In hours, days, years? What is the likelihood that we'll see our children grow up? Not just grow up, but grow up and into a better life than we have right now?
Thank God for this journal and my memory book because I can't talk to anyone else about my feelings. No one else seems to be suffering the same way or at least they aren't showing it. And if they are their wounds make mine seem petty. Josephine has lost every member of her family before her very eyes … and in ways more gruesome than I can write. Jack and Teri lost their precious boy through no fault of their own to something that never should have happened after doing everything and more that they could. Everyone has lost someone. Why do they seem to be handling things better? To be honest, today the only one in Sanctuary that I seem to be able to identify with is Patricia. Is that dysfunctional or what?!
I guess I need to write down some of the details from the last few days as I promised but I just feel so scattered. It's been a while since I really had time to sit down and think as opposed to always planning and reacting when those plans blow up in my face in some way. I thought the extra time would be wonderful but it hasn't felt good at all. But … I guess it has to be done. I can't keep putting off dealing with stuff or one of these days those feelings are gonna blow up in my face. Or I'll have a heart attack or stroke which would leave my family with the task of sanitizing me. I'd rather go out in the grove and take care of myself if it ever came to that, coward's way out or not. I dread asking my family to take on that responsibility on top of everything else.
I guess to try and get myself back on track I'll share a few concrete details we've learned. We now know for sure that there are six survivors' enclaves of some size in our general area. Luckily we are far enough apart that we haven't overlapped our territories yet. When that happens, and it inevitably will, I'm not sure what the result will be.
First is Hale Hollow. Their compound is off of Hale Road and named for the subdivision that it started in. They number close to 200 people, mostly adults. They started as a loose affiliation of families in an upscale, gated community and have an elected leader named is Nick Garcia. Each family group and individual in Hale Hollow is expected to donate time in the community's gardens, go on gathering runs, and help with security. That's the basics. Individual families though are also expected to provide themselves with extras and strive for a better position within the community. That last part has already caused problems and a schism … with another on the way from the sound of things. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's caused some contretemps when it became too competitive.
The Ehren Cutoff Enclave doesn't have a name really … can't decide on one. It's primarily made up of the group that broke away from Hale Hollow. Their group's number fluctuates between 30 and 70 people. They have suffered two serious zombie attacks and lost their original leader before finally taking up residence in a church. They operate commune style but with a strict, authoritarian leadership which sounds like a really odd combination to me. The new leader … Brother Jeremiah? That's none other than former Inspector Jeremiah Lawrence. Matlock got a good look at him and he is physically much changed. He is gaunt and pale and all of his hair has turned gray; he is also growing a beard which is a sharp contrast to his previous neat-as-a-pin persona. His eyes are piercing and he has an odd charisma that his group members seem to dote on. Cease, who stayed out of "Bro. Jeremiah's" direct line of sight, said the man still gave him the willies. Jerry was not as circumspect and said he was flat out crazy and claimed to have had some kind of religious conversion in an internment camp; problem was it didn't sound like any religion Jerry had ever heard of. "Muriel and I just aren't cult material, not even for safety's sake. 'Sides," he continued. "He seems to like his followers young and dumb or traumatized and grateful and as bad as things are we don't fit the profile."
The third group we know of, but haven't had too many direct dealings with yet is the Driscolls. McElroy and David had taken a jeep and headed south on Florida Avenue to scout out some likely targets for the next Gathering Run when they spotted a van with a flat tire and three men trying to change it. The other guys seemed to be a lot quicker about pulling the trigger until David recognized Mr. Driscoll Sr.'s grandson and called him by name. Amazingly enough their group hasn't lost anyone but that's because they stay locked up tight 99% of the time. Rioting was bad and they took some damage from that early on but nothing debilitating. They've also made it through two significant sieges, both of which were broken when zombie hordes decimated the attempting invaders. When asked why there were so far away from their compound David was told, after a brief hesitation, that the group's food wasn't lasting as long as they had expected. They are going to try and create a roof top garden system but that takes supplies they didn't stock.
The fourth group is the MacDill enclave. They gave very little information out about their strength and numbers when Dixon finally decided to make contact. They refused to say much at all until a "Colonel Martin" came on the radio. Cease immediately recognized one of his former commander's voice and the codes that he was using as the Major Martin who had saved him from being taken away after the zombie attack. MacDill is a very tight lipped group but they were willing to share some important and shocking news.
China, as well as the rest of Asia, has fallen completely. The sheer numbers of zombies in that area overwhelmed all of the infrastructure and everyone's armies. The last satellite images from that part of the world showed no electric lights – none – though it did show several huge fires burning in Beijing, New Dehli, Kabul, Islamabad, Bangkok, and Moscow. Very few radio broadcasts are heard from there either. One from Hong Kong claims to be a group of college students. Another one claiming to be headquartered in Taiwan claims to be the Chinese Communist Party. There is another in St. Petersburg that was broadcasting fairly regularly until recently. Japan is completely silent since a large earthquake rocked Tokyo.
The UK, nearly overrun, now appears to be holding their own; but the whereabouts of the royal family and many major players in their government is unknown. The UK's problem will be rebuilding infrastructure not dependent upon imports. They are also running into problems of providing their people with enough food until their next major growing season. This won't be easy because of their need to severely ration their diesel supply.
Here in the USA quarantining by state line failed. Zombies do not recognize arbitrary political lines. However, physical boundaries do slow them down. After Florida fell shortages, rioting, and assorted other forms of civil unrest disrupted government efforts to control NRS. Sectors have now been set up that allow military and civilian forces to mitigate zombie incursions by using natural barriers such as rivers, mountain ranges, etc. It's not a fool-proof system but it is working slightly better than what they had before.
The US government still governs but from an undisclosed location where they try and coordinate major movements of military personnel and equipment. They also track survivor groups. The key is they track; they cannot offer any tangible aid. There have also been some large corporate locations that have been claimed and militarized in the name of various groups. One big example of this is Greenpeace has taken over several large buildings in Vancouver, Canada but that regularly makes incursions into Washing State. Another example is the Googleplex in Mountain View, California that has been taken over by former employees and their families. Communications with such groups is not always easy as their leadership changes frequently. MacDill has also heard rumors that the UN complex has been taken over but there has been no official confirmation of this.
Locally, enclaves five and six are small; one operating in Plant City and the other in Lakeland. There are other groups out there but these are the six that appear to be the most organized at this time and use broadcast radio with enough oomph that we can hear them.
I'm shaky and I need to get to bed. Suffice it to say that I may have gotten some physical rest today but I'm suffering my fair share of mental exhaustion now that I've taken the time to slow down enough to think. Don't know if I want to do that again real soon. Tomorrow its back to the mind numbing bliss of physical labor. Thank goodness.
