I own nothing except my delusions.
Killian watched as the ship cut through the waves, growing closer the finding the Concorde. He hadn't slept since his last night on the Jolly Roger, and he felt fatigue weighing heavily on him, especially with the events of the time since then. He knew it was unwise to face Blackbeard without rest, but he couldn't bring himself to sleep.
He didn't look behind him as he heard foot steps approaching, expecting Leo.
"You should get some rest," Robin's voice drifted from behind him.
Not looking behind him, Killian kept his eyes on the black sky. "I will."
Quietly, Robin stood beside him, resting against the gunwhale.
"We will get Emma back," he said. "We're going to catch up to the ship soon. But you won't be able to do anything if you're dead on your feet."
Killian finally looked at him, noticing with curiousity the sympathetic look on the older man's face, his bow left back in his quarters. Unlike most of the others, Robin didn't look down on him or act superior.
"It's hard to rest when I don't know what's happening to her," Killian said quietly. "She was taken because of me, and I can't rest until I know she's safe."
Robin gave him a small nod, looking pensive. When he spoke, his voice was thoughtful. "When I was married to my first wife, Roland's mother, the sheriff wanted me dead so he could have her. Mirian had rejected him to be with me, so he sought to do anything he could to get me out of the way. A couple of times, Mirian was hurt and nearly died. I blamed myself for it, because I had brought her into the life of an outlaw.
"She told me she wanted to be with me no matter what," he continued, looking toward the water. "She also told me something else. Despite what others may do to us, we are responsible for our own actions. We choose our own paths."
He looked toward Killian. "Despite what you had done, Blackbeard chose to take Emma. You didn't make him do that."
"Emma once told me something very similar to that," Killian said quietly. "But I put her in danger. She said she wouldn't leave me, despite what we would face."
"Because she loves you," Robin said. "When Emma loves someone, she loves them deeply and fully. To her, you are worth her love. She wouldn't leave you, no matter the danger."
"And now she's been taken, having who knows what happen to her," Killian responded in a frusterated tone. "I should've never put her in a life of piracy."
"And I could argue that I should have never put Marian in the life of a thief," Robin countered. "Marian knew what she was getting into, and yet she chose me despite all of that. Just like Emma chose you."
Killian released a heavy sigh. He still felt the crushing guilt weighing on him, feeling that if it hadn't been for him, she would have been safe with her family. He felt a sharp stab of loss, missing her.
"She was right, too," Robin said. "She called us out on our hypocrisy. None of us are saints, and she reminded us of that. All of us have lived for so long with the lives we have now that I think we've begun to forget about our lives before. Both Snow and I had lived as bandits, stealing to survive, and David and Regina have killed before. Regina alone has killed hundreds of people. And Emma reminded us of that.
"I think that because of how you and Emma, uh, met," he said, tilting his head, not knowing how to say what he wanted, "Snow and David couldn't see you as anything more than a pirate. We were all confused when we received her letter. David and Leo thought that Emma was planning something, and Snow and Regina thought that you had perhaps manipulated her some how."
He held up a hand to block any protests though Killian remained silent, watching Robin curiously. "I wondered if maybe something was going on, that maybe she had found something, that she had chosen you like Mirian had chosen me."
Killian nodded as he looked out to the water, lost in the memory of when they had confessed their love for each other, how he had asked her what made her decide to stay on the Jolly Roger. Of his elation in learning that she loved him, too, just as he loved her.
"After she received the letter back from her mother, I asked Emma why she did chose to stay," Killian said in a soft voice. "That was when she told me she loved me."
"She chose you," Robin said, clapping his hand on Killian's back. "She'd want you to take care of yourself, especially if you're going to have to fight."
Killian gave him a small smile. "Thanks, mate."
Robin smiled. "And from a thief to a pirate, just call me Robin. I personally don't like dealing with titles."
Giving Killian one last nod, Robin turned away, going down the hatch to retire to his quarters.
Killian stood out on the deck for a while longer, looking at the water and the compass, seeing they were still had the proper bearings, before turning away to his quartes to try to sleep.
Sheilding his eyes from the bright early morning sun, Killian stepped onto the deck, tired. He had been unable to get the rest he needed, and whatever sleep he did achieve was plagued by nightmares. He had woken many time throughout the night in a cold sweat, desperately searching the other side of his bed, only to find it empty. His dreams consisted of lazy mornings they shared in his cabin, where they would lay together and talk or make love, as if his mind were mocking him of what they had before, or him looking into a mirror and not seeing his reflection but Emma's, her green eyes silently pleading for him to help her, but no matter what he did, he was unable to reach her. He didn't know which of the dreams were worse. He was exhausted, but took comfort that they were gaining on the Concorde.
Stepping to the spot he had occupied the previous day, he saw Leo approach him.
"Smollott informed me we're still in the correct course," Leo told him. "It's only a matter of time before we catch them."
Killian nodded.
Leo took a deep breath before looking at him, his voice concerned. "You look like hell."
"I didn't get a lot of rest," Killian told him wearily. "I haven't exactly been able to sleep."
"You can't sleep without her," Leo stated, his tone gentle.
Killian nodded. Leo wasn't naive about Killian and Emma's relationship. He had figured out their sleeping arrangements soon after he learned of their relationship. Killian knew he'd even noticed the way Emma's possessions were strewn around the cabin, evidence of their cohabilitation. Despite their positions, Leo never judged them for it after he'd come to know the pirate that Emma loved.
"That, and whenever I do sleep, I have dreams of her suffering," Killian confessed quietly.
Leo nodded sympathetically. "Have you at least eaten?"
"No," Killian responded, shaking his head.
"C'mon," Leo said, gesturing for Killian to follow him to the galley. "I haven't eaten either yet."
Unwilling to leave his spot, Killian reluctantly followed, the air noticeably warmer below the deck than the crisp early spring air, the last bits of winter fading. Leo led them through the maze to the galley, passing sailors who constantly threw Killian dirty looks. He ignored them.
Stepping into the galley, Leo walked ahead to grab his food, expecting Killian to do the same. Sighing, Killian went to retrieve his own food.
The cook passed a sneer onto Killian, not moving to give him his food. Normally, Killian would have punished insubordinance, but he knew he held no power on the ship, that he was nothing more than a prisoner that had been given an extension before his trial. And if he were honest with himself, he was too tired to deal with it.
"Give him his food," Leo commanded, making the cook immediately back down and reluctantly serve Killian his breakfast.
They moved to one of the empty spots at a table away from the rest of the crew, wanting to eat their food without the stares.
Roland appeared, sliding into the spot beside Killian. "Don't worry. Give them a little while longer and they'll stop staring."
"I think it's the fact that they have a pirate walking among them," Killian replied.
He truely did stick ours from the other patrons of the ship. The crew and their captain wore the uniforms of the navy, so similar to the uniform he once wore, whereas Leo, Charming, Robin, and Roland all wore cloths that marked traveling, but still let them maintain their regal air. Killian stuck out from them all, donning his leather ensemble that included his coat, along with his gleaming hook. He knew he was the outsider.
"They'll get over it," Robin responded as he and Charming sat down. He examined Killian curiously. "Did you sleep at all?"
"I found I couldn't," Killian answered as he ate.
He didn't miss the look Charming threw him.
"You know you can try sleeping after breakfast," Charming offered. "Mostly everyone will be on deck."
"I'm fine, mate," Killian said, looking at him. "I just need to return to keeping watch."
"No, you're not," Charming protested. "You're dead on your feet. When was the last time you actually slept?"
"I didn't know you cared," Killian responded. At Charming's sharp look, Killian sighed. "Three nights ago."
"You need to sleep," Charming said, his tone gentler. "You're not going to do any good if you're exhausted."
"It would be nice if I could sleep," Killian snapped, rising up. "But I can't, and nothing will change that until Emma is back."
He left, leaving the men sitting at the table, amazed at his outburst. Wandering back to the deck, he claimed his spot, watching for any signs of the Concorde.
Settling in, he pulled his spyglass, looking ahead and feeling the breath leave his lungs.
He could faintly make out a ship ahead, right in the direction of where the compass had directed them.
Unease and a feeling of emptiness flooded through him, thinking that their mission had been too easy, but the sense of anticipation was too strong, knowing they were so close to their target.
Keeping his eyes on the place he'd seen the ship, he called out. "There's a ship dead ahead!"
Not paying attention as the crew scrambled around the deck to prepare themselves, Killian stood watching, adrenaline pumping through his veins as they grew closer and closer, until he could finally recognize the ship, the name the Concorde written across the stern.
Teaser: "What the hell, Leo?" Roland said, looking at Leo in surprise.
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