(russia)
Ivan's first clue that there was something wrong came when, a week after Eduard arrived, he began to go missing at night, precisely during Ivan's tavern meetings with Brother Toris.
Stargazing, Eduard had said. Stargazing my ass, Ivan had thought. But Eduard had no reason to lie to him. And perhaps Ivan had no reason to be overly suspicious. Maybe he really did like stargazing.
All the same. He intended to cut short his visits with Toris to try and catch Eduard in the act red-handed. He was curious, he couldn't deny it! What was it Eduard felt he had to hide from Ivan, was it someone else? and, and who? But Toris kept plying him with drink. And who was Ivan to say no to free vodka?
The second clue was his rodnaya, who a few days ago asked him, "Have you seen my book?"
"Is that the one Katya gave you?" The one she'd had for ten years, the one that she'd covered with notes as Ivan helped her through the translation? The one she treasured?
She nodded. "I can't tell Gospozha it's missing," she confessed. "She'll be upset."
She didn't usually lose things, and if she did, they weren't things like that - but these things happened! Maybe she'd left it in the library. Or perhaps in the study. The book would turn up eventually. Unless it was no accident. But who would have stolen a book of seventh-century love poetry covered in writing? Had Eduard taken it for whoever he was seeing? Eduard didn't seem like the poetry type. Ah, but maybe Ivan didn't know him as he'd believed. Maybe Ivan didn't even know him at all. What a sad thought.
The third clue was Eduard's behaviour: acting shifty, lying to him in his bedchambers, coming home late with no excuse, not even stargazing! Ivan became guarded and edgy where he had once been forthcoming. Before, Eduard's daily questions while they worked had seemed like nothing more than idle curiosity. Now, he wondered if Eduard was slyly fishing for information.
And given how Eduard had blushed and stammered - it made his gut clench with panic and dread...
So it was a lover. Well. So much the better for Eduard. Besides, it was good this way; Ivan wouldn't be so tempted because bad enough he lusted but cheating was too far.
Now, he told himself, he felt nothing.
That didn't stop him when, after having returned from a merry evening at the tavern with Brother Toris, he spotted a shadow lurking outside the library.
So he didn't carry on to his rooms, and instead he trailed Eduard - who evidently hadn't left the Duma to meet with whoever he was seeing tonight. This wasn't the first time he'd followed Eduard around in secret. A few times now, after Ivan had come home from the tavern and found Eduard missing - often enough that Ivan could recognise him from a good distance away.
Ivan felt a little ashamed, but he only wanted to know who! Then he'd leave Eduard alone, really he would. It'd have to be someone good. Someone decent, and kind, someone who would show Eduard the value of freedom. That's all he asked!
Eduard continued to wander with Ivan on his heels until there came the sound of loud, stomping footsteps, racing through the halls.
They both stopped. Ivan slipped past the closest corner, behind a pillar, and prepared to leave when he overheard Eduard exclaim, "Raivis? Is that you?"
Finally, a name! Was it a servant? It would have to be; who else would it be in the Duma at this hour? Not a name he recognised. Must be a servant.
Raivis was a loud servant, it seemed. His ungainly stomps ceased with a squeak and he breathlessly asked, "Eduard?"
(A servant, he thought with a scowl, as he waited and listened - really now, a servant. Eduard had picked a servant over Ivan? Bad choice!)
He chanced a quick peek around the corner. A little guy, this Raivis: short and skinny, with mussy, curly hair and really kind of adorable, objectively speaking. Nothing like Ivan. Naturally. His heart sank.
And wearing a handmaid's uniform instead of a valet's? Not my cup of tea, Ivan thought in perplexion, but whatever made one happy. Someone who looked cute in a frilly apron, well, if that's what Eduard liked then big-boned, broad Ivan sure as hell wouldn't look as fetching.
He heard Raivis shout, "Where have you been?" and nearly giggled aloud. Brilliant, mature, sophisticated Eduard, receiving a dressing-down from his tiny nagging boyfriend wearing a frilly apron! Where was a vid feed when you needed one?
But Eduard - a little too brilliant - must have realised they could be heard, for he moved them to the side of the hall where they spoke quietly. If Ivan breathed silently and kept very still, he could barely make out what they were saying from where he stood.
"Do you go back and forth or something?" he heard Eduard ask.
"No," the servant replied, "I get information from the driver. He meets with Toris daily in the church."
Toris? Brother Toris? But there were maybe ten churches in Skuratchky, and none of them Priegyl, and didn't the Order of Vynas prefer worship outside rather than in the houses of infidels?
Brother Toris had told him that so many times. It couldn't be Brother Toris.
But Toris wasn't a very common name.
"That's why Toris dresses like a monk?" Eduard said happily.
"That's his cover story. He calls it his legend. Some spy-term. Anyway. He's a ... monk. That's how he's been getting so close to ..."
It couldn't be Brother Toris.
But how many Torises could there possibly be in Skuratchky who were monks -
- or worse, merely dressing like them, pretending to be them?
Insidious thoughts! It couldn't be Brother Toris! It just couldn't! His palms grew clammy where he'd plastered them to the wall-face. No, it couldn't be. There had to be some mistake. A coincidence. Some horrible mix-up. Brother Toris was the very image of virtue and heavenly peace in God.
He would never engage in such - such - why, he'd told Ivan time and again, thou shalt not profane thy speech, by outright falsehood or omission. And Brother Toris practised what he preached! Not once did he tell Ivan to give up the desires of flesh without a detailed account of how he himself had known no one but God as long as he'd lived. Not once had he gone on and on about fleeing youthful passions without an impassioned sermon to walk by the Spirit. Because wasn't that exactly what Toris had done himself? Devoted his entire life to God - and a handsome man like Toris living as a bachelor because for to set the mind on the flesh begot death, but to set the mind on the Spirit was life and peace -
"Anyway, Toris has his ways of finding out," the servant continued, and Ivan was utterly unprepared for the pang of hurt that wrenched his chest apart.
It couldn't be. Oh, please, God, he begged, a lump in his throat and a prickle behind his eyes, tell me it isn't so -?
There was no answer, only silence as he listened.
"... Ivan hasn't forbidden you from outside contact, has he?" asked the servant, this 'Raivis'.
"No," Eduard urged, "he'd never do that."
"Because he's had people imprisoned before, you know."
"I - really?" said Eduard, and never had Ivan wanted to defend himself more! Maybe it was so, but there were extenuating circumstances! You couldn't take it out of context like that, that was unfair! Vicious, cruel little beast of a thing, this servant was.
"Or maybe it was the Gospozha. I met her for the first time the other day; she's terrifying! Is she always like that?"
"Pretty much," Eduard admitted.
"I had to clean one of her rooms where she'd dropped a mug." Raivis was most certainly a servant. Nobody else could be granted access to Katya's chambers without a serious background check. But they would have interviewed him, there would have been an extensive process - Ivan made a mental note to look up recent hires under the register later. The rest of this conversation would dictate the severity of his punishment. He smiled with glee - perhaps he could fire him? Serve him right for sneaking into the Duma.
...Ah, but then Eduard might be sad ... but Eduard could easily sneak out, like he'd been doing, to see his lover anytime he wished. Not like this really hampered much of their relationship, it would only get this loathsome worm out from underfoot, out where Ivan wouldn't have to listen to or watch their vile courtship. Let them take it outside.
"She's not so bad. I don't have to deal with her much, I belong to Ivan."
Ivan's heart picked up the pace again, the tips of his ears and his cheeks burning hot. The way he said it, oh, the way he said his name -!
"I, that is, I mean, he's the master, where I'm concerned."
And he swallowed, feeling worse than before. The master. Of all the titles in the Empire he had collected in his young life, that one suited him least. The master, of another human being - of all people, of Eduard. What Brother Toris would say about that.
Brother Toris. 'Brother' Toris. He glowered.
"Right. Anyway. Feliks was asking after you too. And me! I was kinda worried too, y'know, because of, uh... That, kinda." Oh? What was that, little Raivis? Please, do clarify ... "We were worried that you and Ivan were ... that he had maybe...well you know." No, I don't know, spell it out!
It couldn't possibly be that - that this creature knew about his abstinence until only a few weeks ago. Only four people knew about that, Katya said, himself included, plus Katya, plus his rodnaya and then lastly Eduard -
And Brother Toris. With horror, he remembered he'd never told Katya, he'd let her think it was only four of them but of course, Brother Toris still thought he hadn't cleared his Time. Why, Brother Toris knew nearly everything about him.
It... it couldn't be.
It had to be.
"...see me in the kitchens sometime, after work. I don't have any friends here besides you so I get lonely." Friends? "And none of the other kitchen staff speak Standard, it's all Zvanie. And I hate Zvanie!"
"It's more common to speak, here," Eduard argued. "Didn't you learn it growing up?"
"Didn't bother. Nobody likes you back home if you know any. I knew a word or two, once, but it got beaten out of me on the schoolyard. In Kilnus you only speak Standard."
A-ha! Ivan thought, his eyes narrowed - that's not a servant at all, as he'd suspected. Raivis, he said his name was.
"... and check in with Toris if you can, alright? Even if you're busy. Please try. We worry about you, a-and Toris has connections! He can get you places in Kilnus if you ever need."
Places in Kilnus. In Kilnus you only speak Standard. Brother Toris! With Kilnus connections! All along, he'd been played. How they all must have laughed! His face aflame with rage, Ivan only realised he was clenching his fists when he heard the sound of his knuckles crack.
"Ah... Thanks," Eduard muttered. "I'll keep it in mind."
"Toris was also kind of hoping you'd come by to make more of those little Eavesdroppery things."
"What happened to the ones I made?"
"Th-they kind of ...well, Feliks gave them away. Toris says he'll pay you for more of them though! I mean, s-something that high quality, you should have been paid for them to begin with." So Eduard was working with them?
"And you're sure that Feliks didn't do that on purpose to try and get me to come back?" That wasn't mistrust he heard in Eduard's voice, but it wasn't sarcasm either. Mild amusement? Oh, who knew. If he didn't know how to read his oldest, dearest friend ('Brother' Toris!) then how could he possibly expect to figure out the subtlest nuances in Eduard's voice, when he'd only known the man a few weeks?
However their conversation continued, Ivan barely noticed. Then there was the sound of their footsteps as Eduard and his servant-friend parted and walked away, and then silence. Ivan sank to the ground with his back against the wall, feeling angry, betrayed and stupid.
.:.
Just like before, when he had woken up next to a heavily beaten Eduard, it took some time for his mood to dissipate. When it finally did, he focused his mind on a few points in a systematic, bullet-point manner. First things first - a visit with his oldest, truest friend.
"Vodka," he rasped, when he got to the kitchens and found Arisha there, folding aprons. "I know you have some somewhere. I will give you double what you paid for it!"
Arisha gave him a long-suffering look. "Talk like that, you're going to make me regret restocking your room with tomorrow's delivery. A girl could make a decent living this way." But she handed him the bottle he asked for and he forked over enough for a paycheque.
He held the bottle by its neck as he stormed through the Duma and headed to one of a seldom-used study. Eduard would have returned to their chambers, or possibly the library. But Ivan needed somewhere he wouldn't be disturbed, someplace quiet to think. Free from distractions. And so he plunked down into an old armchair with faded leather and got to work both on the drink and his thoughts.
Toris wasn't a common name. It wasn't Vitim, it was Kala (but that had always been fine by him, Ivan was no racist! And a Priegyl monk wouldn't be Vitim, anyway). It wasn't common among Kala, either. What were the chances that there was another Toris? Unthinkable, surely. Had Ivan ever been so fortunate?
And Eduard met with people at night (but! it wasn't a lover! small victories), and went to some kind of base, Raivis had said, when this Toris wasn't there. It coincided perfectly with his own meetings with Brother Toris in the tavern. And that boy, Raivis, had mentioned Toris' connections. The chances were better that it was indeed he, than that there were two people wandering about Skuratchky, both named Toris, one a monk and one - a Kilnus spy.
No, it had to be. One person, this, this 'Brother' Toris. Ivan had been meeting with a Kilnus spy, all along.
He never gave away state secrets! But there was much Toris knew about him, personally - including that nasty business with the Time. Ivan could lie about it all, but everybody had seen them in the tavern: Toris' quiet disposition against Ivan's agitated state, every night for years. It looked damning.
Was it still treason? He wanted to argue it wasn't ... But Katya had had three people tried and executed in the past year alone for the very same thing he'd done - accidentally helping Kilnus intelligence. Hypocritical of him not to suffer the same! It would be less hypocritical if he slept with Eduard nightly after years of talk of morality and righteousness!
If Toris was a spy, and certainly this Raivis was one too, was Eduard? Was it of his own volition? Suppose Eduard's questions during their work together had led to answers he didn't like, perhaps he made the decision consciously, or had come to it beforehand - perhaps he had been planted at Francis' by Kilnus?! Now that was foolishness talking. Ivan took the time to swallow slowly, savouring the vodka instead of gulping it down like a horse. Vanya, be serious! If there was anything he could rely on with certainty, it was Katya's paranoia. After their parents she'd never let anything catch her unawares again.
Then Toris had recruited Eduard out from under his nose. Why? Why would Toris do such a thing?! Could he not have picked anybody else? (Ivan would grudgingly admit it was nice work, but of all people, Eduard, did it have to be Eduard? Anybody but Eduard!) Eduard couldn't possibly have been planted. So it must have been a last-minute change.
But if Toris hadn't seen Eduard coming then why would he have spent so long converting the emperor? Was it some secret plot to increase the number of Priegyl sects over the Empire Union? That was ridiculous, everybody knew Ivan was no General's Attendant. Though they thought little of it in terms of his ability to govern, his religion wasn't something people took seriously. Ivan had his ways and they had theirs and that was that. Had he done it to get to Katya? No, she was impenetrable! It couldn't have been money. Ivan never gave as much as he could have to Toris, and though he accepted gifts graciously, Toris never insisted on it. Nor could it have been the ability to manipulate him like a political tool when they only ever spoke of his personal life, spiritual guidance and advice - especially about the Time. If he didn't intend on converting the Empire Union, or manipulating Ivan politically or financially... what was left? Because if he wasn't a real monk then the baptism had been for show and -
In despair, he poured himself another glass.
He'd sacrificed his faith to the General for Toris. The General wouldn't have him now, the General disliked converts and de-converts both, which meant he wasn't anything. He walked alone. Nobody was with him, nobody looked out for him or helped him - the General didn't, maybe Saint Vynas wouldn't either - and there was a word for people like that, he called them areligious.
(This revelation was accompanied neither by a bolt of lightning striking him down, nor the Heavens opening and the Voice of God on High speaking to him in comfort.)
Shakily, Ivan drank another glass. It helped calm his muscles but his insides still felt liquid.
But - surely God would see the attempts of his servant who tried, despite a baptism by charlatan, to live his life the way God had intended, as free of sin as possible and with honesty and purity in his heart and soul? And if he should slip up - as he had - he could meditate extra to make up - as he had! - and God would know that he hadn't really meant it and it was an accident and he was really very sorry!
Everything Toris had ever told him was a lie. Eight years of lies.
(But it had felt so real! He'd thought he'd felt His divine presence, His heavenly peace but not once had God intervened and told him he was being led astray by a fraud in a friar's cloak!)
Lies, and years of them! All that talk about 'the Devil is within you' and 'you must not give in, remain chaste and your sanctity will help you prevail, with God's help you can endure anything without going mad' - lies! What did this possibly accomplish?
He came upon it almost accidentally: Toris had never wanted any sort of prevailing or enduring. Toris had never wanted any measure of success. He'd wanted Ivan to fail. It must have been - and this was a truly troubling thought - that Toris simply wanted him gone, out of the picture, and had opted to kill him slowly by denying him his Time. It might not kill him, it might simply have ruined his brain, but it fit: something objective, that any medic could verify. Crazy Ivan went so batshit insane he couldn't even hack puberty.
If he were out of the picture, it'd all fall to Katya. Not like his sister would be so terribly unhappy about that. But it meant her suitor would have to be very precisely chosen. And her suitors were all horrible men! Matches with businessmen with Kilnus ties! And if she went with the Veshnan (as it seemed like she wanted) she'd move off-planet, and then who else would rule, if not Katya or Ivan? Would the task fall to Natalya?
And the scandal such news would cause! The Bragins might as well hand over the keys to the Duma to the Dyerovs and their defense spend-happy ways. Or worse, the Rubetskis, whose political ties led to bad business deals with Kilnus. They were a noble Vitim family of old blood - usually those went the racist route, why in God's name would they consider such extensive alliances with non-Vitim? Unless there were a double agent within. And come to think of it, that explained Spiridon Marinin and his motivations, too. How far deep did the net go?
The family name ruined forever. And the monk got away scot-free and clean. Of course.
That's why he'd needed a monk's disguise, in that particular religion! Most Kilnus religions made concessions for Vitim members - but not this one. Toris had given him many reasons why the Order of Vynas was more godly, how it was closer to God and why he should consecrate his soul in the name of the Holy Spirit of Vynas Survila, heavenly peace. Because He was the first of them who'd given up every part of His being, who'd encountered His own seemingly-insurmountable problems and had, with the help of God, done the impossible and become more than the sum of His own parts. Why Ivan should, like all subscripts to the Order, aspire to be exactly like Saint Vynas Himself - heavenly peace - in his meagre, mundane, everyday life.
Was that all lies too? Ivan had read the books once Toris had gotten copies for him. But it was Toris' intervention! He hadn't been baptised, had he even read the right books?
Would God have not seen His son on Olyokin attempting to do right, attempting to follow His Way and being misled and misguided, wouldn't God see his intentions were pure? He'd meant to do well! Wouldn't He have interfered somehow, given him some sign, something to show him the way? Wouldn't God have told him before he went through all that pain and suffering that Toris was only out to cause him harm? Did God want to help Toris cause him harm? Did Ivan deserve that, for all his terrible thoughts that he couldn't always control? He'd sinned in his mind, perhaps, but rarely, so rarely in his actions. Only the once, with Eduard (and he had barely been himself that night, it was really all the Devil's fault!).
God helped the believers. Vynas' own sacred words - and blessed were the words spoken through a humble servant of God!
Wasn't Ivan a believer?
An unhappy train of thought. Ivan poured himself another glass of vodka and drank it with an admixture of sadness and shame.
And what of Eduard, anyway? Eduard, upon whom he half wanted to place all blame for that night. Eduard, who met with spies, but said nothing about that night to them. Perhaps Toris didn't know about it. Perhaps he could yet trust Eduard?
What to do... Fire Raivis? Though he said he was around Katya's chambers, and Katya had told him how strange Yao had been at the anchorage, mentioning the text of letters she knew she hadn't written. Raivis could have been sending letters in her name to throw the prospective Veshnan suitor off. If that were the case, have him stick around - better that Raivis intervene in their sick affair, so that Katya wouldn't marry the Veshnan after all!
As for Toris... When else would Ivan go to the tavern, if not while Toris would be there? Morning was too early to drink vodka, and afternoon got in the way of tea. He could combine tea and vodka... no, that would be disgusting.
He could also stop drinking, he considered, looking at the bottle. The bottle stared back. "You're right," he told it, and took another swig. "I don't want to stop drinking."
No. Keep Raivis on staff, and continue to show up at the tavern to meet with Toris - friends close, and enemies closer.
Which was Eduard? A genuine bondservant of Hallar, not planted by Kilnus if Katya's paranoia could be trusted - and it could - then God was playing a cruel joke indeed on him, sending someone as divine as Eduard to tempt Ivan and force him to look but not touch. What kind of God was that? Of course, it couldn't have been that Katya found any old bondservant. Couldn't have been someone Ivan felt nothing for, someone Ivan wasn't attracted to, someone who didn't annoyingly inspire in Ivan the ardour of infatuation and irrationality.
No. Couldn't have been someone normal. Had to have been uniquely Eduard. When Katya had gone to Hallar, God had sent her that damned clever blonde instead.
This Eduard, Ivan could either completely hate him or passionately, thoroughly love him, but the platonic middle ground, or outright ignoring him, was unavailable. His fire and strength were respectable and admirable, though it meant Ivan couldn't have his own way all the time. But that was for the better. Ivan was already surrounded by sycophants and he was the kind of person who, given his druthers, shouldn't receive every last thing he wanted. He suspected it would turn out to be too much of a good thing.
Ah, this mess, this giant mess.
.:.
Only once he'd partly finished the bottle and stashed the remainder away in his office did he return to his chambers.
As he'd suspected, Eduard waited for him in the office. He got up at the sound of Ivan closing the door and greeted him, leaning on the threshold to the main sitting room. He held a book, closed but with a finger sandwiched between pages, marking the place (not poetry, Ivan noticed, but a treatise on airship design and mechanics).
"No stargazing for you tonight?" he snapped. He hadn't meant to sound so affronted. It might have been equal parts vodka and painful revelations.
"Didn't you notice? When you walked home? It's overcast." Oh. He briefly checked the window. So it was. "Long meeting at the tavern," Eduard noted.
"Yes," Ivan said curtly.
Eduard gave him a funny look. "You drank more than you usually do."
"Hm?"
"I can smell it on your breath from a few paces away," he explained.
"Why should that be a problem?" Ivan erupted. "It's my life, I can drink if I like!"
"I didn't mean - I only thought -" It was nice to see brilliant Eduard lost for words and fumbling his speech for a change. "Do what you like, yes, I thought - perhaps something's wrong. I know I don't - but if there's anything I can do for you."
So stupid to get angry and lose his temper. If Eduard was a spy then Ivan shouldn't be reacting the way he was - defensive and caged. Doing that would only expose how he knew about everything, and who knew what Eduard had planned for that case. He'd have to act natural. (But Ivan was so bad at lying!)
And if he wasn't a spy then Eduard didn't deserve being lashed out at. But why, why why why would he voluntarily help out a Kilnus agent? Was he manipulated, blackmailed? It didn't seem so; he and Raivis had been friendly with one another.
In either case, he thought with a small sigh, there was no need for the third degree, but -
Oh. A third possibility, one he hadn't yet considered. Suppose it was retribution for the night in the dungeons, after Ivan beat him within an inch of his life and then made him stick around against his will to poke about in messy, unpleasant politics. Grimly, Ivan agreed - something like that might make him freely choose to assist Kilnus in this strange not-war scenario they had with the Empire Union. Eduard must really hate him to be inspired to commit acts of treason. How sad. Ah, but it served Ivan right.
"It has been such a long day," he complained. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - forgive me."
Eduard blushed, grinned, and looked at his feet. "That's twice now," he murmured, "I must be special."
"Hm?"
"Oh - ah, nothing. If it's been a long day, perhaps you should call it a night." He poured a glass of water from the pitcher on the desk and handed it to Ivan. "It seems you're not the only one who's had a long day. Arisha brought that in a quarter of an hour ago. Said you'd probably need it. She seemed to think you'd had a falling-out with the Gospozha again."
"Katya?" Ivan shook his head. "No, she has been out of town. Diplomatic meetings with the Dyerovs, then the official designate from Kilnus Central, then an off-world meeting with Yao Wang of Veshna on Zheina Anchorage."
"I didn't get the impression that she goes off-world very often," Eduard said.
Ivan shook his head. "She doesn't. It is things like this which make me suspect that she will accept the Veshnan's proposal."
Eduard left his book on the table and poured himself a glass of water. A fine idea, Ivan thought, and sipped at his own thoughtfully; it gave his hands something to do instead of hang awkwardly at his sides. "Is this good or bad, do you think?"
He shrugged. "Probably good," he told him, "though I do not personally approve, Katya may choose whoever she wishes. She won't be able to have children by him, he isn't Vitim - but of course, she's not the one who has to have children for future succession," he finished darkly. No, that job fell to the Empire's figurehead. Such joy.
Eduard was silent, his mouth gaping and his eyes wide. "I know what you are going to ask," Ivan said dangerously, "and before you do it, don't you bother. They haven't found me anybody. Not yet. No doubt they will find me some high-ranking lady so the society papers can send themselves into hysterics talking about our every facial expression. But nobody yet."
Something like satisfaction passed through Eduard's face then, only briefly, and Ivan wondered why - why would he care at all what happened to Ivan, after what he'd put him through? "You're not looking forward to it?" Eduard asked.
"You cannot possibly be serious," Ivan replied, disgusted. "Do I look as though I am?"
"Then," Eduard continued quietly, "is it because you don't want children, or you don't like women?"
"It's neither," he said. "I don't mind children, and I'm fond of women." How could he not be, surrounded by them as he was between Natasha, Katya, and Katya's bondsmaiden? But something like dissatisfaction passed through Eduard's face, as briefly, and Ivan thought to himself that enough was enough. "What had you thought?"
Eduard opened his mouth, then shook his head, perhaps thinking better of it, and closed it. "No, none of that now," Ivan admonished. "I told you, you can speak freely in front of me."
"I was just wondering," Eduard said softly, "if the reason you didn't like me was because I was male, and you had been hoping for a bondswoman."
Ivan nearly choked on his water. "It isn't - it isn't because of that!" he spluttered.
"Because aside from the politics, there isn't much I can offer you, it's not like I could actually be any sort of - and if everybody expects you to marry someone Vitim so you can raise loads of little Vitim babies and the Empire can be super happy then it won't be easy to get that with me here, wives never like concubines in the tales, one you don't even use, what's it good for, and perhaps I ought to leave better off alone!"
Shocked, and not knowing what to say, Ivan opted to remain silent.
Eduard calmed, slightly, ran a hand through his hair and heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry, that was - forgive me, I didn't mean that, to talk so out of turn."
"Don't be," Ivan replied quietly. "I'd prefer honesty." (It was more than he'd get out of Eduard, unless Eduard decided to be open about his Kilnus activities.) "I did not realise this was how you felt. It isn't like that, though. It isn't anything like that."
"Oh," Eduard muttered, "then you ignore me simply for fun, is that it."
"I didn't mean to!" But he had, sort of. For which he felt guilty. Sort of. He didn't intend on ignoring Eduard out of spite, but Eduard was easier to deal with if he did, because - as Ivan suspected, and a trip to the library earlier that week had confirmed things in his mind - having now reached sexual maturity, his body wanted things that he didn't feel prepared to give it on a regular basis.
Certainly, it was easier, less difficult, less complicated to keep Eduard at bay and simply indulge himself in an attempt not to take advantage of his bondsman. Easier if he thought of Eduard as little as possible because he didn't really want to bother him anymore. Hadn't he already done enough damage?
(And yet at the same time, the post-climax feeling, lonely and pathetic, with a messy hand and an empty heart, was so unsatisfying. And he'd catch glimpses of Eduard over the table where they worked, out of the corners of his eye. How he longed...)
More calmly, Eduard proposed, "We should perhaps be honest with each other, then."
Momentarily Ivan felt enraged. Yes, they should perhaps be honest with each other! Starting with Eduard being forthcoming about his shifty dealings! He fully intended to confront Eduard, to demand answers, to ask what the hell he thought he was doing with Toris, mucking about in Kilnus affairs.
But something in Eduard's manner stopped him and he let it calm him down. The way the light caught his hair, the length of his eyelashes, the shadows on his face. The way he held himself - straight, rigid posture, with his eyes to the side, some sort of compromise between the trained obedience and the rebellious streak.
The reason Ivan bothered noticing all these things.
It was annoying but endearing, which summed up Eduard pretty accurately when he stopped to think of it, and it was the entire reason he felt so much for him. And that made Ivan stop sharply, because he shouldn't be attracted to this man. This man that he owned. He shouldn't like him.
So, instead of doing something hasty like accusing Eduard outright of treason, he asked, "How would you feel, if you'd been lied to for years?"
"What... do you mean?" Eduard had paled where he stood and looked very nervous. Ivan recalled that cornered, frightened look from when Eduard had returned late. It was true, then. He was doing something he knew he shouldn't.
"I mean," he said slowly, feeling the words in his mouth in order to be perfectly sure of them before he let them fly, "philosophically. Spiritually."
Eduard relaxed and cracked a grin that went from amused to embarrassed. "Ah, I'm... not a priest, if that's what you need."
No, indeed not, the very opposite. And that reminded him, because it occurred to him that he had never asked Eduard. "Do you believe?"
"Do I - in what?"
"In God. In a god. In many gods, in anything?"
"No," Eduard replied, quickly and easily, like it rolled off the tongue without the slightest afterthought or concern for his immortal soul. "I don't think so." Oh, perfect. How exactly like Eduard. Couldn't be satisfied with corrupting Ivan's mind and body, had to try for the soul too! "Why, are you trying to convert me?"
"No," Ivan said churlishly. "My monk friend -" and here he paused. "Anyway. Probably you would not care."
"That's not true!" he protested. "I can at least listen."
He sounded so honest and sincere, it was impossible to think he wasn't being genuine. Maybe he was, in his strange ways of thinking and acting. Maybe with Kilnus, he had only been doing what he thought was right. "Someone gives you a book, and tells you it's morals, tells you how you're supposed to live, and they're lying to you."
"Is... is that what this is all about?" Eduard barely masked his incredulity or relief. "Well, is the book full of lies, or are they?" Ivan perked up. "Did they write the book, or did they just give it to you? Were you told, or did you read? It seems to me," and here Eduard set down his glass of water and drew nearer, slowly lifting his hand to Ivan's face, "that unless you let it, their influence doesn't extend as far as here." He touched Ivan's temple lightly, and smiled. "Or don't you think for yourself?"
"Of course I do!" he replied, embarrassed and so easily flustered by Eduard's proximity. "Like any man does!"
Eduard dropped his gaze, and his face fell with it. "Free men," he added, looking at the floor. He folded his arms across his chest.
"All men," Ivan insisted.
"If you say so."
"I'm not getting into another fight with you at this time of the day," said Ivan.
Eduard smiled tightly, an ambiguous look in his sparkling eyes.
And so Ivan thought about it: owning bondsmen, Toris had said, and the scriptures had said, that was wrong. Obviously! Why, the prospect disgusted him so badly he could hardly imagine it, if it weren't for Eduard standing in front of him. How could you ever own another human being? Regardless of who said what, it didn't seem just. (And yet, Eduard accepted it so clearly, so easily, as though it were natural. It was the strangest thing.)
But what else had Toris said? All that nonsense about abstaining from lust - Toris the virtuous, how he liked to go on and on! Naturally, Toris would've wanted him to wallow like that in his own body's poisons as long as possible. It would weaken the figurehead of the state, and it was a trump card to be played if a medic could prove the biology.
But the Scriptures... Saint Vynas, heavenly peace, had had His own reasons to make no provision for the flesh, to gratify not its desires, to commit no sin nor to be a slave to sin - to let not sin reign in the mortal body where it would make one obey its passions. That text didn't distinguish between dealing with an annoying problem himself versus with anybody else. And the Scriptures had elaborated further about giving honour to marriages and coming together with one's beloved, some beautiful prose about becoming one, in the chapters Toris hadn't assigned to read, because - so he'd claimed - scholars were still bickering back and forth about the original translation. It sounded now like Toris trying to further his own ends. Their influence doesn't extend as far as here... or don't you think for yourself?
"Does that make any sense?" Eduard asked gently. "You've been quiet a while."
"Only thinking," he reassured him. He no longer felt like it was all a big pack of lies he'd been fed. He would need another careful re-read of the Scriptures. Maybe a serious reflection on God. But it justified his own feelings and he was less …lost, for lack of a better word. Ivan smiled and gave a relieved sigh. "Thank you."
"I'm glad I could help with something," muttered Eduard.
"You did. More than you know."
"Then... do you need me for anything else?" he asked, with bright eyes and a hopeful grin. And then he leaned back on his shoulder, tilting his body in a way that made him seem graceful and even more slender and swan-like than normal, his waist well-defined and the hip that wasn't balanced on the doorframe jutting out just so, provocatively. Alluringly. Subtly seductive and sly. Did he even realise what he was doing? But it worked, because Ivan looked him up and down once before he made his eyes behave.
"No," Ivan told his feet, his face too hot to look up. "I'm - long day. I should. Head to bed." So clumsy, so unimpressive! Why couldn't he be half as graceful?
"I understand," he heard Eduard say, and chanced a quick look up to watch him disappear into his side of the chambers where he slept (only metres away from Ivan's bed, nothing but a few body lengths!). At the doorway, he turned, his handsome face in profile, and wished Ivan a goodnight that sounded more like an invitation. And for a moment it was so easy to believe... Eduard couldn't possibly hate him, or resent him, not with an act like that. Eduard couldn't possibly have betrayed him.
But years of lies was enough. What to believe? What did he believe?
