chapter 50
Guest – Not sure what this means, but I hope you are enjoying the story.
Drea LuRuiz – The girls will slowly but surely come forward. The announcement at school has opened a lot of girls minds and given some the will power to step forward. Thank you for reviewing.
Scream4Help - Yes she is singing but for how long – it's a painful memory now for her Thanks for the review
Gleeks09 - Quinn has never heard any of them sing so it is a shock – although she could probably google Shelby and Leroy she hasn't. Rachel would never know how to take Sugar. She needs to be tamed a little. Shelby will NOT be pleased at all with Quinn cutting classes and Quinn may not get away with it for too long. Sue is definitely in their corner and as harsh as she is – she has a soft heart for the Corcorans. Mike and Noah's trip is this chapter I hope you enjoy. Thanks for the review!
Lexie-Rae - Sue was a little off on her leaders but she gets her point across. And the girls have a lot of great role models in this story. Sue is going to make a great vice principal. Holly relationship is something that Rachel does need so it will be here for a while. Bear and Michael are at a loss on how to help their family but they will make sure everything is followed correctly so there is no chance for Will to get out. You will see some of Noah and Mike's road trip in this chapter. Yes there were other victims and hopefully they will start to come forward now that it is public. Quinn is headed down a slippery slope but unlike the show – she has a strong parent at home that will not let her get too far. She can't do much cheering right now so she is a little lost. Sugar will be around for a while and will most certainly continue to annoy Rachel but she is Rachel's age and she will calm a bit as she has on the show. But it will be interesting. Thanks as always for your fantastic and observant review. I love them.
banjojd - Quinn should be eating but she is just not going to do it overnight. It brings up too many bad memories and her body has learned to react a certain way because of it. Shelby will have to keep a closer eye on her because she is rather sneaky. Noah giving Quinn that idea of using her hand as a weapon may cause future issues down the road – we shall see. You will see what else Santana has taught Rachel behind Shelby's back in this chapter. Thanks for the review.
littleredwritinggleek - As much as I would love for Quinn to go full time skank – with Shelby as her mom, Nana being around, Joey being there and then throw in Sue – she doesn't have a chance. But that doesn't stop her from trying – it just won't go so well. Quinn's dad and Hiram are not in the same prison – Quinn's is in Ohio and Hiram is in NY – so Quinn won't be speaking to Russell anytime soon. It is way too raw for her anyway. She won't see him for a while. Thank you so much for your kind words. Each chapter is emotional in some ways for me and it is a challenge for me to write. I have 2 betas that help me stay the course and keep me sane. Unfortunately this is based on some real life things I have seen. I am glad you enjoy reading this
marinka4 - In some ways it is but in other ways it is not. Thanks for the review.
alopez208 - Well I am glad it did not make you cry. I was glad you laughed at Sugar. I am going to show Britt's reaction but it may not be all at once. Thank you for your review and your continued patience – they are so appreciated.
OTHangels - Thank you!
Kimberlli - That would be an AWESOME gif! Not much Will in this chapter but he is tightly locked away for right now but we will be getting to him soon. Noah is headed to see Hiram this chapter lets see what happens.
FlatWeasley - Thank you so much! Rachel will be singing I just don't know how much because even though she loves it – it brings up some very painful memories
piecesofyourheart = Wow Thank you so much! Best Chapter huh? Sugar is awesome and she is not going away. I am so glad you like it. Thanks for the review.
Guest - Trust me with Shelby as her mom and the family that Quinn has now she will find the right path – but she will have some ups and downs – she needs to find herself and right now she is lost – Rachel will get friends too but she needs to also feel safe and it is a little too soon for that but she will get friends. The family has individual therapy but they also will start family therapy – Noah and Mikes trip is in this chapter I hope you like. Thank you for the review
Renata - I am so glad you loved this chapter. Rachel does deserve to be a kid again and she has had to deal with way too many adult things so Holly will keep bringing that in which is very helpful but it will be challenging for Rachel. She will have more friends – they will come soon. Rachel has had all those feelings and will continue to have those feelings. But as far as seeing her death again I think those will be suppressed for right now. Her sisters will help her a great deal with that. As always I love your hugs and kisses from Brazil. Thank you so much!
broadwaybound2016 - I am glad you liked it! Thank you for the review.
Stepheyy - I am glad you enjoyed Sugar. I love her on the show they just don't use her enough in my opinion. Sue scares everyone but she is 100% on the Corcoran side and she is a very nice ally to have. Thank you for the review.
Ryoko05 - Third party characters are sometimes hard for me to write so I am glad you are enjoying them.
It is hard for Quinn to have had friends with her parents so gaining and trusting friends is a new thing for her as well. She is a lonely sole. She does need someone though. Will it be Dylan – maybe. Thanks for the review
Fangirl44 - It is a true sign that Rachel is very strong. Thank you for noticing. Thank you for the review.
NinjaGleek21- McKinley is in for a rude awakening now that Sue is running the ship. Rachel is going to try and get back singing but Schuester has caused her love for it to decline a bit. She will work to get it back. Thank you for the cookies and the reviews
justanotherreaderr - I am honored it is one of your favorite stories. I hope you like this chapter as well. Sugar is amazing and they don't use her enough in the show. Thanks for the review.
A C one - That's right Sugar still thinks she is better but Rachel really wants to sing again but it brings back too much bad memories right now. Sue will protect the girls like they are her own. Thanks for reviewing the story as always
Guest- Quinn – won't be smoking for long – one of my betas will kill me if I keep Quinn smoking – Shelby catches her and it won't go well. But Quinn is going to test her boundaries. She has some new found freedom and she will start testing things. Plus she is still just recovering from a serious operation and she is underweight so I agree smoking is a bad habit and it won't last long. Thanks for reviewing.
thelastcenturian - Flawless ? I don't know about that but I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much! Can't wait for your updates. :)
Jamison08 – Rachel will be singing more but I am not sure when – she is too talented to not sing for a living. Thank you so much for your review
TommyH - Even though they are short and sweet I love that you ALWAYS review. Thank you chapter.
look4me –I am glad you like the way Sue is. Sue wont let any of them give up. You are right Shelby will not like smoking at all. But how skanky Quinn gets away with will be minimal with Shelby as mom. She will challenge now and more in the sequel. Judy's will reading will be soon and it has some interesting turns. Stay tuned. Thank you for reviewing
WittyNinja - School is not in store yet. She is still too fragile at this point and that would be added stress for her. The other kids are older and they are struggling so much that Shelby will take her time to get Rachel in the right school. Because changing schools again will be too much. But eventually Rachel will go to school. Thank you for your review
dolphinluver46 - Yeah it is only briefly for now. Too much has happened but it is a love for this family so she will get back to it. Thanks for the review.
amandaes417 - No you are a very dedicated fan! Thank you so much and I am so overwhelmed by the amount of reviews for this story. It amazes me every day. Tumblr and skype are nice too! Thanks for your review and support they are truly appreciated
AnaPana1 - Holly can do that to Rachel because she is not her family and she sees what Rachel needs – not that her family doesn't but its just different. I am glad I didn't disappoint you. Thanks for your review.
AnaPana131 - She has brought back the spark but Rachel will still struggle with the singing for right now. I love Sugar too! And she will be back trust me. Thanks for the review.
croque - A scaled down version of skank Quinn is coming! Shelby and Sue won't really let it last too long. In the show – Quinn's parents were alcoholic jerks in my opinion. Thanks for the review
A/n: Thank you everyone for your responses! I'm so proud and grateful that this story has managed to arrive at 50 chapters. I'm grateful for those of you who have followed this story from the beginning. I'm so excited and thankful for those of you who discovered this story later and plowed through all of the content over a short span. I miss all of you who have ceased reading and reviewing this story. I respect and honor your right to move on from the story, but know that you are missed and I always wonder what you think of the story.
This chapter has pretty graphic memories. Please read with caution. Trigger warning.
Rachel frowned and looked at the piano. "I … I..." She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "I … I..." She frowned. "Um..." She reached out and grabbed George and stared at the floor. She felt so overwhelmed. She had forgotten her high and sense of accomplishment when she let loose and she felt the sound emerge from her body. She forgot the passion and the freedom that she felt when she sang, but it wasn't enough anymore. It was not longer it was an escape it was so many other things instead. Instead she couldn't help but hear his voice in her ear and feel his hand on her shoulders and diaphragm. He was encouraging her and telling her she did well. It wasn't simply that she hated it. It just felt too unnatural. It felt wrong and it just didn't fit like it used to.
"Rachel?" Shelby asked coming up behind her. "That was beautiful."
The eleven year old frowned and looked up at her mother. "I... I don't like her..." Her voice came out as a small mumble.
Shelby moved closer, trying to hear. "What?"
"I don't like her, Mom!" she said folding her arms tightly around George with a stomp of her foot. "I don't like her and I'm not going to be friends with her!" Rachel's voice was hurried and sharp as she stomped and stormed out of the room.
Shelby saw a quick glance of her youngest's teary eyes before her dramatic exit. The mother looked back at the older kids. Quinn looked at them awkwardly. "Well... She can sing..." the blonde said awkwardly. She looked at them as everyone remained silent. "I didn't... I didn't realize that she was that good."
Santana started toward the door but felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked at her mother and knew that she had to remain in the room. She watched longingly as Shelby followed after Rachel and she was left behind. I'm not the parent, she told herself.
"We all used to sing," Santana said quietly still watching after her mother. She snuck a glance at Noah. "But Rachel does more than us. It was... is... a part of her."
She looked up at Noah and Quinn. She felt off. She felt raw and exposed and distant. She had written her heart out about a girl named Sadie. She frowned, knowing that the name had no meaning other than that it was the first one that popped into her head. Would Brittany assume that it had a meaning? Did it? Had she ever met a Sadie? Santana sighed. Was Brittany reading the story about her life right now? Or had she already read it? Just the thought of it made her heart pound faster.
"What's wrong with you?" Quinn asked breaking her thoughts.
Santana looked at her with a deep set frown. "Nothing."
They settled back at the table as Noah rummaged through the refrigerator.
"Is this about Rachel singing?" Quinn asked.
"What?" Santana asked, startled.
"That's a no," she said with an awkward chuckle as she reopened her book.
Santana started to quietly flip through her book. She looked up suddenly. "Why would you think it's about Rachel's singing?"
"It was a guess," Quinn shrugged, not looking up from her book. "Forget it."
"Quinn," Santana pushed.
The blond sighed and looked up with a roll of her eyes. "It was just a guess."
"What?" Santana asked more exhausted. "Explain it to me!"
"You get a look on your face when anyone sings," Quinn said with a frown. "Like you're somewhere else."
"Oh," she replied thoughtfully. "I do?"
"Don't worry so much about it. I was wrong," she shrugged.
"Record that, San," Noah said as he thumbed through a road atlas. "She'll never admit that again."
"Noah, are you just learning your states?" Quinn asked.
He scoffed, offended. He needed to get the spotlight off of himself. "Did I see you roaming the halls with that skank, D... um... D... ? Is her name D?"
Santana looked at Quinn. "What?"
"Don't call her a skank," Quinn spat. "And her name is Dylan."
"I didn't. That's what they call themselves," Noah said with his mouth full as he looked up from the atlas one more time.
Santana reached over at Noah and smacked him on the arm. She looked down at the map and turned it the right direction. His eyes opened wider with a better understanding. "Oh... okay."
"Where are you going? And if you plan to go anywhere, I should go too since clearly you don't know how to read a map." He didn't answer but instead leaned down closer to the map. "Do I really make a face?"
Noah didn't respond but continued to look at the map pensively. Santana thought more intensely about Quinn's words.
"I don't," Santana said finally, thinking outloud. "I like Rachel's singing."
Quinn looked up with a sigh. She was concentrating too hard that it was giving Santana a headache. The brunette could not help but feel irritated at how much the blonde cared about her studies. However, she didn't want to think about it for too long because she knew her thoughts would drift into the arena that they all didn't want to think about, her past. She watched Quinn for a second longer. Quinn's sigh brought Santana out of her stupor.
"I didn't say you didn't," she said with a exasperation. "Just forget it."
Santana sighed in return and sunk back in her seat, remembering the moment that they discovered Rachel's talent.
Santana looked out the window. She didn't want to be here. She hated third grade. She hated this school. She was nine years old and was sure that she shouldn't have to deal with things she didn't like this young. That was what being a grown up was. At least that was what her philosophy was. She had already dealt with enough...She trailed off in her head. She didn't want to be here. She looked toward the front of the room at Marilyn Noel. The girl had tried to be her friend. Santana had seen it, but she felt badly because she never tried to reciprocate. She couldn't concentrate on other people's feelings. With therapy and Rachel and Noah and everything else, she was too snappy at anyone that seemed to try to be her friend. Her mother and therapist told her to be considerate. She tried to be but it was usually after she was selfish and rude and it was usually too late to redeem herself.
"Santana." The girl looked up at her teacher, Mrs. Hall. Santana frowned. She hated her too. The teacher went on. "You're the class helper for today. Please get the workbooks from the closet." Santana narrowed her eyes and stood with a glare. "Without the attitude, please Santana."
Harvey Pew sat at his desk near the closet and sneered at her. She scoffed back and walked into the back of the supply closet. She reached on her tiptoes and grabbed the workbooks. She hadn't really been in a closet since...Her thoughts trailed off. As soon as her grip was on it, she heard the door slam behind her.
"Try to get out now!" Harvey hissed into the other side of the closet.
She dropped the notebooks sharply and turned toward the door. She felt such dread in her stomach that she could barely recover. She pounded on the door panting.
"LET ME OUT!" she screamed. She felt her chest tighten as if the skin and organs were stretched across her chest . Her eyes squeezed shut. She was in the dark. She couldn't heard the teachers on the other side. as she scolded Harvey and attempted calm her. She couldn't hear the murmur of the kids and the whispers. She could only hear Hiram's voice and Rachel's screams. The dim light didn't provide any solace. She fell to the floor as she continued to bang on the door. "LET ME OUT!" She couldn't breathe. She let out a sob. "PLEASE! PLEASE!"
She didn't care about the tough persona that she kept up. She just cared about getting out and going home.
"PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME OUT!"
She couldn't hear the attempts of kind words on the other side of the door. She couldn't hear anything. All she could do was feel her own panic.
Santana was in the closet for nearly twenty minutes. According to the teacher she pounded too hard on the door causing the lock to get jammed. It took two janitors to finally get her out. The door opened and she burst out of the closet with a sob. Her stupid teacher asked her questions but she just pushed her way past them.
"NO!" she sobbed. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" She put her hand over her heart and knelt on ground trying to catch her breath.
"Santana," Mrs. Hall attempted again to calm the girl.
"SHUT UP, YOU FAT COW!" she sobbed.
Mrs. Hall frowned and backed away. Santana looked up with a murderous glare. The class was looking at her. Her chest was still tight. The nurse told her it was a panic attack, but she had sobbed to the point of sickness. Another ten minutes later Shelby arrived with Rachel at her side.
"Santana," Shelby said quietly. "Santana."
She looked up at mother and sighed in relief. She leapt into her mother's arms. She sobbed and finally breathed again. She felt Rachel's tiny arms around her waist.
"Mommy's here," Shelby whispered as she rubbed Santana's back. "Mommy's here. You're okay."
She pulled away from her mother and looked around the classroom, surprised to see it was empty.
"Where is everyone?" Santana asked taking Rachel's hand.
"They're at recess," Shelby said softly as she stood. "I need to talk to your principal."
"Why?"
"Well," Shelby began as she cast her girls a look. Rachel was volleying her gaze back and forth between her mother and her sister.
A man and Noah suddenly walked through the door. Noah's shirt was dirty and his hair was messy. Shelby sighed and looked at her son, kneeling in front of him.
"What happened?" she asked the man she knew to be the vice principal.
"Well, seems that Noah here punched Harvey Pew in the face."
Shelby frowned. "Noah!"
Noah looked at her as if she was silly to be mad at him. "He locked Santana in the closet on purpose. I didn't punch him in the face. He couldn't stay in the trash can I put him in."
Shelby looked at her son. "So you punched him to keep him in the trash can?"
"Yeah," Noah nodded, but the boy's look faded when he realized he had been caught in a lie. "Oh."
Shelby stood. "I'm assuming you and Principal Baylor want to speak with me."
The man nodded. "You assumed correctly."
Santana and Noah waited with Rachel between them in the hallway. Rachel looked up at her big brother then at her sister, confused as to what they had done again, but not surprised that they were in the hallway again. They had been there more than Rachel could count. All she knew was that it was almost summer and that Sanny and Noah would be home to play with her all the time.
Noah looked over Rachel's head at Santana.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
She was still staring at the ground and didn't say much. Noah knew not to push her. He turned and looked at Rachel and smiled. He leaned back against the bench and started taping on the arm. Santana folded her arms and tapped her foot on the floor with an alternative beat. Noah and Santana used to drum periodically like this with their father. Building on beats and interchanging rhythms. Much to Shelby's annoyance, Leroy had always been tapping on something.
Santana chuckled when she saw Rachel swaying to the beat. Noah and Santana changed the rhythm and the four year old kept up. Suddenly Rachel began to hum as she too tapped to an additional layer of a beat. Santana looked at her. The four year old was crescendoing and changing notes with the beat. Santana added another layer to the beat with her foot and altered the cadence of the beat of her hands. Rachel kept up yet again. She raised her eyebrows at her little sister. She was more than impressed. It brought a smile to her lips.
"What are you doing?" a voice asked causing them to stop immediately.
In truth it was something they used to do with their father but it had been brought back by their therapist. Rachel leaned into Santana's side. Santana frowned and looked up at the the teacher she didn't really know. She just knew him as grumpy face.
"We're waiting for our mom," Noah frowned.
"Well stay quiet," he hissed.
The man known as grumpy face walked away slowly.
"Where did you learn how to do that?" Noah asked looking at Rachel.
The four year old shrugged and leaned more into Santana.
"Alright," Shelby said coming out of the office. "Let's go home."
"Are you mad?" Santana asked as they followed their mother out to their car and driver, Leo.
"Causing trouble again guys?" he asked with a smile.
Shelby shook her head. "Not now, Leo."
The four of them climbed into the Suburban. Santana groaned as her mother pointed to the booster that she had set up for her. Santana wasn't as stocky as Noah but not as small as Rachel. She still had to sit in a stupid booster. At least the windows were tinted and people couldn't make fun of her. her mother was all about safety... ever since...
"We will talk about this when we get home," Shelby said buckling Rachel into the car seat. She looked at Noah. "When we get home, Noah, I want you to hop in the shower please. Dumpsters are not an appropriate place to play."
"Say what?" Leo asked turning in the seat.
Shelby rolled her eyes. "He's fine. I just don't want him tracking at home."
"Well, I don't want him tracking in my car," Leo said with a smile.
"You smell worse than me," Noah shot back.
"Touche," the driver said with a grin. He had been with the family for years and driven Leroy around frequently.
"Noah, don't be rude," Shelby said with a glare. She looked at Leo. "Don't encourage them please, Remember you're the adult here."
"Yes, ma'am," Leo nodded giving Noah a wink in the rear view mirror.
A couple hours later everything was settled. Rachel had been put in her room for a nap. Noah and Santana were told that they were spending their last year at that school. At first Santana did understand. Noah was moving up to junior high of course it was his last year. Then her mother explained in a graceful fashion that Santana knew that she would never acquire. They were being kicked out. Her mother assured her that they weren't kicked out but that was what it sounded like. Shelby explained that their education was terrible so that they were being removed. However, she and Noah knew in reality, they had been kicked out.
Santana now sat in her room. She pulled her knees up to her chest. She had caused many fights since she started going back to school, but this instance wasn't her fault. She frowned deeper. It wasn't her fault at all. She heard the phone ring down the hall of their large apartment and her mother pick up. The apartment was big, but she managed to run into the hallway and grab the hall phone. As she listened on the call, she now knew their fate. They were leaving the city. She had just heard her mother on the phone earlier that morning. They were moving far far away to Ohio. She had been there to visit but she couldn't imagine Lima as home. She just... she just couldn't...
She heard her door creak open and saw that there was no one in sight. Clearly it was Rachel and the bed was hiding her tiny frame. Rachel rounded the end of the bed and looked at her with a frown. She was clutching George close and rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"Do you want to sleep in here?" she asked quietly.
Rachel nodded and climbed into Santana's lap.
Santana felt a panic in her chest. Nothing felt like home anymore. Nothing felt the same. Things were better than they were at the shelter, but here... it just didn't fit. Her own skin didn't fit. None of it seems right. Maybe she could start over... make new friends... she didn't want to... She didn't want any of that. Rachel was in her lap playing with her fingers.
"Are you sad?"
Santana shrugged. "I don't know... I guess," she muttered.
"I know what would make you feel better," Rachel said sitting up.
Santana wrapped her arms around Rachel and kissed her on the top of the head. "Yeah?"
"Your favorite song," she smiled.
Santana frowned. "My favorite song? I don't have one."
"You and Daddy sang it," Rachel said.
The older girl knew well that Rachel remembered only some but it was a limited amount. She shook her head with a confused smile. "What song?"
Rachel straightened in Santana's lap and put started to bounce with a beet. Santana tried her best not to lap. Rachel clapped quietly with the alternative beat.
"Been spending most their lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the one's we hurt are you and me
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the one's we hurt are you and me"
Santana couldn't contain her laugh. Her father and her used to sing Coolio's songs but she couldn't believe Rachel remembered that. She pulled Rachel closer with a smile.
"You did pretty good, Rach," she smiled.
"Yeah," Shelby said from the door with a curious smile. "You did." She smiled and leaned down in front of her. "What do you think about doing some music classes?"
Santana looked up from her memory and noticed that Quinn was still looking at her. She needed to focus-On anything.
"We have Cheerios tryouts tomorrow," she said as she reopened her book. "Don't forget."
Quinn looked at her pointedly. "How can I?" She rolled her eyes. "I don't have any other choice."
Santana nodded and attempted to pretended to concentrate on her work.
….
Shelby followed Rachel up the stairs with a deep frown on her face. She didn't realize that this was what going to happen. She felt a pang in her heart for Rachel. She had recognized the conflict in her eyes.
"Rachel?" she said quietly as she knocked on the girl's bedroom door.
"Mumma, I'm okay," Rachel whispered. She turned to her mother. "I don't want to be her friend and I don't want to talk to her and I … I don't want to …. I just... I don't want to."
Shelby entered the room and sat on the bed pulling her youngest with her. "You want to tell me more about what's going on?"
Rachel looked up at her mother with a frown. "I don't like her, Mom. She's infuriating!"
The mother laughed. "Because she challenges you?"
"Yes!" Rachel said without hesitation. She deflated slightly. "Well... she just... Mom, she's so...I just... I don't like her..."
"Rachel, there are people in your life that you're going to have to deal with that you don't get along with," she said simply.
"I know that," she said quietly. "I do... I just... I … I don't want to sing anymore, Mumma."
There it was. This was the reason Rachel had gotten so upset. It was the reason Shelby followed her daughter up here. "You don't have to," Shelby said quietly, "but I really wish you would. You're really good at it. Quinn was impressed. She'd never heard you sing before."
Rachel shrugged. "I don't..." she looked at her hand in her lap. "I don't like singing anymore because I think of him... I … I don't … I don't I just.. I don't..."
"Okay," Shelby whispered. "I understand."
"You do?"
"Of course," she smiled. "I didn't sing for a long time either."
Rachel frowned. "Because of us?"
Shelby nodded. "It always reminded me of what I was doing and how I wasn't with you guys." She watched her frown as her baby brown eyes thought more deeply.
"How did you... How did you start back again?" she asked quietly.
Shelby smiled and pulled Rachel closer. "Well... that's a fun story."
"It is?"
The mother nodded. "Nanny Mary wasn't feeling well and the other two kids were at school. You and I were hanging out. Nana and Pop-Pop had to work or volunteer. I don't remember they were busy. It was just you and me."
Rachel looked up at her. "Wasn't it always just me and you at home?"
The mother grinned. "Yes and no." She continued, "You were four. This was a week or so after you started rapping to Santana that ridiculous rap.-"
"After she and Noah were kicked out of school?"
"They weren't kicked out," she said. "Okay... sorta... We were asked to leave at the same time that I decided to pull them from that terrible school." She rubbed Rachel's arm and continued, "I was seeing a few clients in the house and I asked you to stay in the living room as I worked in the dining room across the way. I could see you through the french doors. Normally, you just colored or played with the dolls or blocks." She smiled as she thought more about the memory. "You … uh... I looked up and I couldn't see you at one point and I excused myself to tell you to stay where I could see you and you were sitting at the piano and were playing with the metronome at the piano."
Rachel nodded. "I think I remember this. You told me I could sit at the piano but I had to stay put and that I couldn't wander out of the room."
Shelby laughed. "I told you that many times."
"But I followed directions that time," she smiled.
"Yes, you did," Shelby smiled. "So I continued with my meeting and we started hearing these little notes. I considered that you might play the piano and didn't mind. However, it wasn't just you pressing the keys at random you were harmonizing. You were doing cords."
Rachel shrugged. "There was a picture on the pile of music."
"Of the chords?" Shelby asked. Rachel nodded. "You never told me that."
" I didn't think it was important."
Shelby nodded. "So you just followed the picture?"
Rachel smiled. "Yeah."
"Well, we were hearing you play these chords and then after a few minutes we started hearing you singing to them. You weren't matching the tones. You were complimenting them."
"It was kind of easy," she muttered. "But I don't understand why that helped you go back to singing...You only did community theater and private lessons after that."
"I did," she said with a smile. "But that was enough for me." She laughed. "Do you remember what we did after that?"
Rachel shook her head. "No."
"We watched Funny Girl for the first time. You rarely stayed quietly when it was just you and me. But when we watched that movie." She laughed heartily. "Rach, you didn't move. I kept looking down at you to make sure that you were breathing." She rested her chin on the top of Rachel's head. "Before that point you hadn't shown ANY interest in anything. You were four and didn't dislike things strongly but you also didn't like things strongly either. Everyday... Everyday after that... you were singing songs or playing on the piano. Nanny Mary and Nana worked with you to learn other instruments."
"Why didn't I have a teacher before … before... um..." she asked a she frowned.
Shelby thought for a moment. "Well, you... you didn't want to."
"I didn't?"
Shelby shook her head. "No," she said searching her memory. "You practiced with me and … Pop-Pop and Nana while they still lived with us. We tried a couple times."
"We did?"
"Yeah," Shelby said. "There was Julian, my friend from the community theater and Wendy, remember?" Rachel shook her head. "It was pretty informal and I was there with you and then I would get up to leave and you would panic. You did alright in dance because you had the other girls with you but … yeah..."
"Oh...but you said yes, to... to him," she said with a frown.
"You kind of demanded it, remember?" Rachel seemed to deflate even more. Shelby took a deep breath. "I did because I knew you loved it. It was the first time you actually wanted to have privates from someone outside of our family. I said yes because of that and also because you...You told me that you would be with Kurt."
"I know," Rachel whispered.
"Rachel, singing with you and teaching you about singing helped me remember how much I loved it." Shelby brought the conversation quickly away from the man who she thought she once knew and back to the original purpose.
"I still love it," she said with a whisper. "I just... I feel him... when I do it. It's like... It's like sitting in a hot tub in the winter. Remember when we went skiing and we did that? It's like that... It's as if I felt something so amazing but I felt something so scary and … uncomfortable all at once. It scares me..."
"Baby steps Rachel. Tonight was step one," she whispered. "Healing isn't miraculous, bug." She kissed her softly. "Life's just a work in progress."
"I know," she muttered. "I still don't like her."
"You don't have to Rach," Shelby said. "But you do need to be respectful." Her eleven year old looked at her with an indignant glare. "Even if you think that she isn't."
…...
Santana turned on her side table lamp. The rest of the evening had been completely unproductive on her part. She hadn't finished any of her work by the time her mother came back downstairs to check it. She had to get up in the morning to finish. She looked around her room. She was distracted sporadically by everything. Noah spent the rest of the night nose deep in that map, scribbling notes onto a piece of paper which he refused to share with Quinn or herself. Santana had wanted to talk to Rachel but by the time she 'finished' her work and headed upstairs, Rachel was already sound asleep in their mother's bed. She knew Rachel was still using the ointment and the whole application made her upset, plus that damn screeching owl dressed in prada and leopard print would have tired anyone out.
She gave a heavy sigh. Then there was Quinn. Clearly she was preoccupied with something, but Quinn couldn't pinpoint what it was. As she leaned back into her pillows she thought about all that she didn't want to think about. This is why she hated sleeping alone. Somehow the things that she was trying to avoid were now penetrating her brain. With Rachel next to her or Quinn having an issue she didn't have to think about her. She didn't want to... she couldn't. Why the hell had she written about Sadie? Santana bit her lip. Who was she kidding? Why the hell had she written about herself? Why did she give that story to Brittany?
Brittany would read it and then she would know. It wasn't the fact that she thought Brittany would leave her. It's simply that she would now know. If she distanced herself far enough from it, Santana could almost trick herself into believing that it wasn't her at all. Her stupid frog-faced therapist in New York told her that she projected her feelings onto others. The only reason she was able to graduate from trauma therapy was because she arrived at the point that it was up to her. Therapy had a reputation of birthing "well-adjusted and healed" individuals. Santana knew better. You were still broken when you finished with therapy; your cracks just had super glue instead of the crappy elmers stuff.
She closed her eyes and she suddenly saw the face of Dani. What had she missed that? Was she looking for it before? Dani was always a senior who knew what she wanted but there was a hint of insecurity. There was no formula to it. Dani came from a good home with super supportive and kind parents. She was simply unsure of herself, especially in spanish. Mr. Schuester used to tutor her privately. She paused for a moment. Rachel looked a lot like Dani if she thought about it.
She closed her eyes. She couldn't think of this anymore. She couldn't do it. She couldn't think about this. She pulled her covers back and dug through her hamper. Where was it? Rachel took it last time, but she was sure it was in here somewhere. Finally she found it. Her father's shirt. She pulled it on and tucked herself back into bed. She thought for a moment. She needed something to occupy her. She had no phone, no laptop. She needed something. She pulled a book off of her shelf. The Hunger Games. She frowned. Was this a book about cannibals? Brittany told her to read it awhile go.
She began to read quietly. She sighed. God damn it, she wasn't reading a book about some girl who had to take care of her sister from not having to compete in a fight to the death match. Santana had mastered the art of skimming years ago. She leaned back and closed her eyes. Routines. She would think about try outs. Cheerios Cheerios Cheerios. She eased her eyes shut.
She stared at Rachel's tiny form. Rachel wasn't even three years old... There was blood in her diaper. There shouldn't be right? Santana reached for the wipes. There were only a few left. She frantically stripped the pillowcase off her pillow and began to clean up the blood before using the last precious baby wipes. Rachel was crying softly and kept reaching up for Santana to hold her again. Santana was only seven years old. She didn't know about blood in diapers. However, as she cleaned Rachel up she saw the bruising on the inside of her thighs. She squeezed her eyes shut remembering Hiram on top of her when he stuck one of his fingers in her. She frowned and picked up Rachel, who was now cleaned. She had thought she had been the only one but now, she knew differently.
Rachel rested her head on Santana's shoulder, gripping tightly to her. Santana sighed the door that Hiram had slammed shut moments ago had creaked open half way. Santana lay Rachel quietly on the makeshift bed next to Noah causing him to stir, but stayed asleep. "Stay with Noah," she said gently. Rachel shook her head and continued to grip onto Santana. Noah frowned awake and sat up pulling Rachel to him.
"What's going on?" he asked tiredly.
Santana held up a bloody diaper. Noah's eyes grew wide.
A grunt interrupted them. Hiram had exited the bathroom and was now the hallway glaring at them, and more specifically, the defiant seven year old. He stomped into the room. Santana pushed Rachel into Noah's arms quickly. The seven year old saw the tiny girl grip onto Noah more tightly as if she knew what was coming.
"What are you doing?" Hiram bellowed. He grabbed Santana's arm roughly. He looked down. She followed his gaze and saw that she was still holding the diaper. "Don't you dare!" he screamed with a shake. "What I do with her is my own business!" he screamed. He took a deep breath with a deep set grin. "Come on!" he pulled Santana with him.
"San!" Noah said putting Rachel down.
"Stay with her," Santana called. "Noah, don't leave her. She's hurt!" Noah sprinted to the closet and placed Rachel in it. Santana could hear him say something about it being a game and that Rachel needed to hide. She loved her brother, but Rachel wasn't hiding if Papa Hiram saw where she was. Noah sprinted back to him. "She didn't do anything! She didn't do anything!" he pleaded. Santana looked at her brother. He had been acting weirdly since he had found her after Hiram had... had made her bleed. She wasn't sure what you would call what happened to her on the bed that night with Hiram.
Hiram shook her as he held her in his arm. "I can do what I want!" he hissed and backhanded Noah with his free hand before he finished dragging Santana down the hallway.
"Let me go!" she fought in his arm. They were going towards the room. She had to move fast. "Let go! Let go of me!"
He pushed her into the room with a shove so strong it caused her to fall onto the bed. She pushed herself up as quickly as possible as he slammed the door shut behind him, locking it.
"You think you're so good at everything, Santana," he said taunting her as he unthreaded his belt.
She backed herself into the corner. She was trying to be brave but she was shaking. She moved herself as far into the corner as she could. He approached her slowly, as if he were stalking his prey. He reached out and grabbed her by the arm yanking her out of the corner, holding her close to his face. "You're nothing but a piece of shit, Santana," he hissed in her face. "I can do whatever the hell I want when I want."
She raised her chin and looked at him defiantly. "You can't hurt my sister," she said with a slight tremble in her voice. "She's too little. She doesn't eat anymore and she-"
"I don't give a damn!" he screamed. "You think that you can control me," he said with a deep frown. "You think that you still have power here." Santana didn't respond. "By the end of tonight, you'll know who has all of the power."
He yanked her toward the bed and threw her on it again. He reached the large t-shirt she was wearing and ripped it open and then he yanked down her shorts and panties.
"Hold still!" he shouted.
Santana was already crying before the belt hit ber bottom. Her fists were squeezed into tight balls as she screamed in agony. She didn't even bother counting the hits. She could barely even concentrate on his slurred, breathy words.
"I can do WHATEVER the HELL I WANT," he screamed punctuating the words with each hit. She couldn't cry anymore all she could do was just pray for it to be over soon. She kept kicking but he held her in place with his palm at her back.
"Please! Please!" she sobbed as she kicked.
"No, FUCKING way! I'm going to show you, Santana," he said as he put his force behind each lick of the belt. "SHOW YOU!"
The heat and sharp, painful stings of the belt radiated so deep within her body that she wasn't sure when he stopped until she felt him on top of her back. He moved back her big hair and ran his hand down her bare back.
"Not so mighty now, are you?" he asked as his hand stopped at her bottom. He gave it a sharp hit with his hand. She let out a sob. She felt her body being pulled off of the mattress and thrown back on so that her legs hung off. "Open your fucking legs, Santana."
Her eyesight was blurry from crying. She could barely keep her eyes open from the sting. She couldn't feel anything but pain on her lower half.
"OPEN THEM!" he screamed at her again.
She shakily opened them. Her bare toes touched the hard floor as they did. She felt him breathing in her ear as she felt his hand at her backside and then... lower... where he touched her before.
"Who's in charge, Santana?"
She didn't answer him. He slapped her again on her bottom causing her to sob and moan with pain. "WHO'S IN CHARGE!?"
"You!" she screamed into the mattress.
"Damn straight," he hissed as she felt what felt like his fingers where he had touched her before.
"No!" she yelled, bucking and rekindling her strength despite the pain. He held her down at the small of her back as he pushed two fingers inside of her dry channel. She let out a wail as he began to pump his fingers in and out of her.
"I'm the fucking boss," he said as he pumped his fingers deep inside her. She was so exhausted by screaming, but she couldn't help but wail at each thrust. "I'm the boss," he hissed as he held his fingers inside her for a moment. "You're nothing! Do you know why I don't choose you?" he said whispered at her ear. She didn't answer because all she could focus on was the pain. He moved deeper in order to get an answer.
She screamed. "Nooo!" she sobbed.
"I don't choose you because you're too damn loud. Rachel is better. She's silent and she takes it. You're trash and you're fucking useless. A fucking cunt."
She held her breath unsure of what it meant but just wanting it to be over. After the longest five seconds, she felt him withdraw his fingers. She let out a sob of relief. She couldn't feel anything but she could feel everything all at once.
"Well, would you look at that," she heard him say behind her. "You have an effect on me."
She looked over her shoulder and saw that he was running his hand quickly up and down his hard, ridged member. His breathing became heavy and she watched in numb horror as he grabbed another one of rachel's t-shirts and exploded into it. He wiped the sweat of his brow and looked down at her as he stood up. She trembled as he watched her. He was looking at her like she needed to be squashed.
"I don't think you learned your lesson," he hissed.
She held her breath but became confused when he left the room. She heard her brother struggling.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SISTERS!" he screamed.
"Fucking shut up!" he bellowed. Santana squeezed her eyes shut as she heard a slap and a thump, followed by silence. She held her breath. Oh, no, she thought. She heard a door slam open and Rachel whimper. His footsteps drew closer and returned into the room. He threw Rachel on the bed next to her.
"No," Santana pleaded weakly. "No. You already hurt her... no!"
He undressed Rachel similarly to how he did her. Santana watched as her baby sister barely moved as he stripped her. Her tiny eyes showed that she was used to this. All Santana could do was watch as Hiram beat Rachel with the belt. Rachel 's sobs came out more like whimpers. Her little hands were gripping at the sheet without avail. All Santana could do was watch. Her body was aching so badly to move. She knew Rachel had seen the blood because her baby brown eyes became bigger when she was dragged into the room. She didn't know how to fix things with her little sister. She didn't know how to save her anymore. Rachel just stared back at her as Hiram beat her. She didn't have a prayer. Santana didn't even reach out to take her tiny hand. Not only was her body useless, but Santana herself felt useless.
Santana woke up with a start. She remembered that night clearly. She had thought so surely that he was going to violate Rachel like he had violated her, but he didn't. He was almost too tired by that point. He beat Rachel until there were no weltless spots on her backside and he was breathless. Then he just left them. He glared at Santana silently and just left. Santana remembered that Rachel still had her pacifier in while he beat her. She cried so much that it fell to the bed next her mouth. Santana shook her head. She pulled at her father's sweatshirt as she sat up in bed, swinging her legs over the side.
She sighed and looked at the clock. 3:46 am. Jesus. She moved into the bathroom and rinsed off her face. She was breathing heavily. She looked at herself in the mirror. The door opened and she felt her heart leap out of her chest.
"Jesus!" she screamed when she saw Quinn standing there.
"Hi," the blonde said with a frown. "You're up?"
"No, I'm a figment of your imagination," Santana snapped leaning back against the sink.
Quinn searched her face. She could tell that something had happened. Probably a bad dream. Santana always slept worse when Rachel wasn't there. When she first moved in, Quinn had assumed it was the other way around, but she was wrong. Santana needed Rachel just as much as the little girl needed her, maybe more.
The blonde shifted uncomfortably. "Wanna play some poker? I can't sleep either."
"We have school," Santana said. "We have to be awake because of the tryouts."
"Shut up," Quinn said dragging her into the blonde's bedroom. "You know you won't go back to sleep if you go sulk in your room." She looked at her softly. "Play some damn poker."
Santana sighed and gave in, settling down quietly on the lofted bed. "Why can't you sleep?" she asked quietly.
Quinn shrugged. "I don't know..."
"Liar."
She smiled. "Seriously. I just... I can't." Quinn looked down at the deck of cards in her hand for a minute as she tried to shuffled them with the cast. When she looked back up she caught Santana's glazed look. Quinn could tell that something was on Santana's mind. She'd had that look on her face all night. "Do you want... do you want to talk about it?" She asked as she continued to struggle with the cards before Santana grabbed them out of her hands to deal out them cards.
Santana scoffed. "Do you?"
Quinn shook her head.
"Alright then." Santana said dismissively.
Quinn nodded at the cards she just finished dealing, "Let's play. Blackjack?"
Santana nodded and paused. "Wait. I thought you were on drugs so you could sleep."
The blonde paused for a moment before finally meeting Santana's eyes. "Don't tell mom, but I'm not taking them."
The brunette looked at her sharply. "Quinn, you need to get better. On top of everything else you..."
"On top of everything else," Quinn interrupted. "I'm not doing that again. I'm not going to have those dreams."
Santana searched her eyes and opened her mouth to speak.
"I'm not," Quinn interrupted again.
"Okay," Santana said. She shook her head for a second. "You're going to get sick. You have no spleen. You need to eat and sleep to let your body fight infection."
"You're not my doctor," she said. "You're not even a doctor."
"No, spitwad," Santana hissed. "I'm your sister. And I would like to inform you that Grey's Anatomy is medically accurate. They have a medical professional working on the writing team and everything."
"You sound like a loser," Quinn said laying down her bet. "Don't repeat that in public."
"I'm serious, Quinn," Santana said as they began to play.
"Ditto," she said quietly.
…...
Santana lingered at her locker trying not to make it obvious that she was waiting for Brittany. Her heart was beating out of her chest. She was incredibly nervous to see her, but she knew that she had to. She had to know what Brittany thought of her story. Of her life. Of everything that she had been hiding from everyone outside of her family for all of these years.
"Hey," Brittany said, startling her from behind.
"Hey." Santana replied as casually as possible.
"I'm really sorry," Brittany said breathlessly. "I haven't had a chance to read this yet." The blonde pulled the story that Santana had given her the day before out of the binder she was carrying. "I just... I forgot it in my locker. I wanted to keep it safe."
Santana stared back at her. Her face was unreadable.
"Santana?" Brittany asked.
The girl just continued to look back at her.
"Santana?" Brittany questioned again.
"You didn't read it?" the brunette finally found her voice and asked quietly.
"What?" Brittany asked confused. "San, I'm sorry. I'm going to. I just... I couldn't yesterday. I forgot it in my locker but I want to - I just..."
"No," Santana interrupted. "It's okay," she said shaking her head. "I … um... It's okay." She looked at the ground. She had been worried about nothing. A new type of worry instantly took over her body. Should she get it back from Brittany right now? While she still had the chance? She looked at the story that was grasped firmly in Brittany's hands. She hadn't read it yet... maybe this was fate telling her that she should take it back?
"Santana?" Brittany attempted again moving closer to her as her eyes looked around.
"Please," she said hurriedly. Santana didn't give the girl an opportunity to answer. "It's just...I can't talk about it yet to you. Can we just try to forget it for a bit and go back to being just me and you?" She looked at her with anxious eyes. "Please?"
"San," Brittany attempted. "I want to read it." She pointed down at the folded papers that the girl have given her a day before. "I do want to."
"I know," Santana said with a nervous shake of her head. "But... can you... I just... I um... I don't want to think about it. I just …." She looked up at her with a pause. "I wanna be us."
The blonde laughed. "We are us."
"So forget about it," Santana smiled.
"You know I won't," she said gently. "But we'll think about it later." She smiled and tucked the folded notes back into her notebook.
She suddenly felt a nudge and was pushed over into Santana harshly, not noticing the folded papers she had just tucked away falling to the floor.
"Jesus!" Santana hissed.
Brittany frowned at Santana and then at the couple of hockey players that moved past them.
Words weren't exchanged but they didn't need to be. There was enough glaring.
"You alright?" Santana asked as Brittany straightened.
The blond nodded. "Yeah," she said shaking it off. "I'm fine."
They walked slowly down the hallway, glaring at anyone who looked at them.
Quinn closed her locker and turned as she heard her sister hiss at someone. "Jesus!"
She watched as Santana and Brittany made their way down the hallway. Over their poker game last night they had talked and Quinn begged her to do their own thing while at school. They needed their space. Her brow furrowed when she spotted some papers folded up on the floor where Santana and Brittany were previously standing. She crossed the hall and picked them up. She immediately recognized Santana's messy handwriting. She looked around the area making sure that nothing else was dropped. Satisfied that there was nothing else, Quinn stuffed the folded notes safely in her own homework folder and walked toward history.
…...
Holly watched Rachel silently do her homework.
"Are you going to give me the silent treatment all day?" Holly asked as she cruised through the other kids' papers.
Rachel continued to silently do her work. She looked behind her. "Nana?"
"Rach," Nana called back from the kitchen. "You're doing school things. Listen to Holly please."
Rachel frowned as Holly nodded appreciatively. "Where's Mom?" Rachel asked ignoring her grandmother's gently warning.
"Rachel," Helen said. "She had a meeting. Now please focus."
Rachel frowned and looked down again at her work. A sheet of paper crossed her path with a title, New Assignments.
"What's this?" Rachel asked.
"You need to do more," Holly said simply. "We're expanding your curriculum."
Rachel read the sheet. "I don't want to go on fieldtrips," she said when she saw that Holly had a few places to visit on the list. "I want... I want to stay here."
She perused the list. Museums, libraries, parks, aquariums, zoos... the list went on.
"I don't want to do this," Rachel said again with a frown.
"Well," Holly said as she leaned closer to Rachel on the table. "You can either figure out a long term plan with me or you and I can start looking at schools for you."
"I'm doing that with my MOM!" Rachel said with a tiny shout.
Helen looked up sharply, but Holly waved her off. "Well, that's fine. I'm happy that you're doing it."
Rachel frowned. "You think you're so smart!" she said with a frown. "You're manipulating me!"
"Am I?" Holly asked.
"You are doing things and you are anticipating my reactions. You're getting me upset just to trick me into doing stuff!" she said sharply.
"That's not really what I intend to do," Holly said calmly. "I'm giving you options, Rachel."
"No, you're not!" she shouted.
"You can be as angry as you want but you know just as well as I do that these are our options. Either you go to school full time with me or you go to a school full time with other kids. We can't not have you learning."
Rachel settled back into her seat and frowned, soaking in her words. "I didn't like what happened yesterday... I …. I can't sing..."
"I didn't ask you to, Rachel," Holly said simply.
"Your niece antagonized me!" she yelled. Holly arched her brow. "Do you need me to define that for you?"
"Reel in that attitude," Holly said sharply. "Yes, I knew my niece may push your buttons, but I also knew that she might potentially be a good friend. She's outspoken. She's passionate. And she's pretty tenacious, but also kind." Holly watched as Rachel deflated slightly. "Does that sound like anyone you know?"
Rachel looked at her hands. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Holly put her hand closer to Rachel but didn't touch her. "I'm not upset."
"But I was rude," Rachel said.
"That's for sure," Holly said. Rachel met her gaze and Holly smiled. "But you're sorry and I can understand why you're upset. I would be upset if I felt like I was being manipulated. I would really like to bring music back into your schooling, Rachel. You don't have to sing, but it's something that was important to you at one point." She looked at Rachel more squarely. "Don't let him take that from you."
Rachel tilted her head and felt her eyes water. "It's not that I don't want to."
"I know," the woman whispered. "But we can try. If we quit everything that reminded us of something bad then we won't do anything. Right?" Rachel nodded.
"I don't want to go to school," she said quietly. "I dont... I don't want to..I want to stay here." She looked at her grandmother, her eyes were tearing up again. "I want my mom."
"That's okay," Holly smiled. "You have a pretty great mom."
"You must think I'm a big loser," she whispered.
"I don't," Holly said. "You know what? You're kinda a loser like me."
"You're not a loser," Rachel said with a scoff. "You look like a barbie doll... a quirky one... but still." Rachel shrugged.
"I think you're a pretty incredible person who doesn't know how fantastic you really are. I'm your teacher and I want to help you with that," she said with a smile.
"I don't really …. I want to trust you...and I do... I just..." She trailed off.
Holly leaned down and looked at her. "No relationship is the same, Rach," she smiled. "It can be Rachel and Holly. It doesn't have to be anything else."
Rachel nodded. "Kay..."
She began to quietly do her work again. "Hey, Rachel?" Holly asked quietly. The girl looked up. "You're doing an amazing job."
"At what?" she muttered looking up at her skeptically.
Holly shrugged. "At being you," she said simply.
The eleven year old gave a small smile. "Thanks."
…...
Shelby sighed and looked at Patrick.
"I'm here," she said with a frown.
He nodded. "That you are. Where do you want to begin?"
"All of this is getting to me," she said crossing her legs and leaning back in the chair. She continued. "It just... I know that I can't focus on what I could have done, but... " She shook her head and looked at her old friend. "She was with him... She was with him so many times and I didn't see." She shook her head. "and San... San, I can see her falling apart and I just... I don't know how to catch her..."
"You know that she's going to fall?" he asked. Her brows came together as she considered his question.
"It's an inevitability. She throws herself out on a ledge all the time. I'm always the last one to know she's out there." Shelby rubbed her fingers over her knuckles. "More frequently than not we see parents who give up on their kids or who just... never really see them... I can't... I don't want to be that mother. Too much has happened. Noah's up to something and I'm scared of what he's getting into. He doesn't want to move on with his life, you know?" She gave a bitter scoff. "They're all so inured to it all. Now especially Quinn. How am I supposed to encourage them to move on and embrace and grow and love and change and live, if they rarely have anything to look forward to?"
Patrick sighed and looked at her with tender understanding. "You're here," he said simply. "You know as well as I do answers won't fall from the sky. They may not ever exist but you're here and we'll sort some of this out." He leaned back in his chair. "We might not solve it but in the least, you'll have things a little more organized in your head."
Shelby nodded relaxing in the chair. "So let me tell you about Quinn," she began proudly.
The two of them talked. There was an ease in grace in their conversations that was clearly built by the trust of time. She had a network of support and it was enough. Before Shelby knew it their 50 minutes were up. Patrick looked up from his notepad.
"You need to find time for you, Shelby," he said gently. "Not fun times with you and the kids but just you time. Go for a drive. Go for a run. Just you."
"And do what, Patrick?" she laughed heartily as if he were suggesting something absurd.
"Regroup," he said simply. "The one thing you can't do, Shelby, is start to let the kids act out more." He looked her square in the eyes. "They will. You have to be firm and make sure they know that you will always be there for them, but you will not let them hurt themselves or act inappropriately. Consistency is key."
"I know this, Patrick," she said with a sigh. "This isn't my first rodeo."
"With teenagers it is," Patrick said leaning forward. "They think they know you and your rules. They'll try to break them." He sighed leaning back again. "That being said, you need to apply that to your own life. Resume the self care plan we had in place."
Shelby sighed. "You know that didn't work. I have four children who all need my attention and I -"
"And you can't burn out," he said interrupting her. "I'm not going to say it again, Shelby. You're the example here. Be a good one. You know what you're doing. Just let it happen."
She stood and pulled on her jacket. She nodded with a smile. "We'll see."
…...
Quinn entered the restroom with a frown. History was one of the few classes that she didn't have Santana or Brittany in. It was one of the few classes she could skip and get away without anyone noticing. She couldn't sort out all that was going on in her mind. All she knew was that she was just nowhere near what she wanted to be. She didn't know what she was feeling. There was no question that she lived with the Corcoran's now. She even silently admitted to herself that she was a Corcoran. However, she couldn't think a lot about any of it. If she did she felt like she was going to burst. She felt that she needed a break. There was nothing for her in history class. She needed to seek out a distraction herself.
"Hey," Dylan said with a smile as she leaned against the window frame in the bathroom. "I didn't think you would come back here."
Quinn shrugged and pulled herself up into the sill of the other window.
The girl looked at her with skepticism. "Aren't you the girl we're all supposed to watch?"
"What do you mean?" Quinn asked sharply.
"I mean, you're the girl everyone else is rooting for. You're overcoming crap," Dylan said as she took a drag of her cigarette.
"Your absence of eloquent words is an inspiration," Quinn sneered.
"What I'm trying to say is that I just would think someone would notice you skipping," Dylan said. "Is this going to be a regular thing?"
The blonde scoffed. "I haven't put much thought into my future of skipping." She shrugged. "I guess I'm just riding the sympathy train." She looked at the girl. "How about you?"
"No one notices when I'm not there. It doesn't matter. I think they're just applauding me for coming to school."
Quinn sighed feeling a pang of sadness for the girl. Dylan pulled out a pack of cigarettes and threw them at her.
"You bought these for me?" Quinn asked.
"Figured you might be a little stressed," Dylan shrugged.
The blonde looked down at the cigarettes, remembering a time when she had the morals to say no to tarring her lungs. She gave a shrug. "Thanks. I'll pay you back."
"Don't worry about it," she said waving her off. "I should mention those could kill ya. You should try Red Bull instead before you get addicted."
"Red Bull instead of cigarettes?" Quinn asked. "I thought those things have different purposes."
Dylan rolled her eyes and pointed to the cigarettes. "You're just using those to destress and get through the day right?" Quinn nodded. "Red Bull is an equal exchange. It gets you through the day too." She looked at her with trepidation, but the girl went on. "Wait, how about your family? Won't your grades fall if you're not in class. If I remember correctly, you were kinda the model high school girl."
Quinn looked around with mocking surprise. "Are you an undercover guidance counselor? Your encouraging words are a little annoying." Quinn pulled a cigarette from her new carton, lit it and pulled it to her lips as she gave a sly smile to the girl next to her.
Dylan rolled her eyes. "Well, believe it or not, Quinn Fabray, people notice when you're there."
Quinn sighed. "Well, my mom won't mind about the homework. I can handle it." She paused at how easily those words fell out of her mouth. She went on, hoping Dylan didn't notice. "There are four kids in the house. I have it covered."
Dylan narrowed her eyes. "Fine, blondie," she said with shrug. She took a drag of her cigarette. "Smoking kills, don't do it."
"We're already dying anyway," Quinn shrugged. "Why not?"
"You're a lot darker than I thought," Dylan replied as she gathered her things.
Quinn shrugged and rolled her eyes. "Haven't you heard? I'm damaged."
Dylan pulled her backpack on. "Don't flatter yourself, " she said light heartedly. "We all have our share of damage. Yours is just being aired out." She headed toward the door. "I'll see ya."
The blonde watched her go, wondering how she missed everyone else's damage.
She eased back against the sill. She had brought her things from class. There was a substitute who didn't even notice that Quinn took all of her things when she left to use the 'bathroom'. She frowned and pulled out the papers that Brittany had dropped earlier, the ones with Santana's handwriting all over them. Her conscious taunted in her ear and told her that she shouldn't be looking at them. However, reason was convincing her that she was checking that all of the papers were there and it would only be accidental if she began to read.
Sadie was clearly Santana. She had to give Santana credit for her writing style. She was impressed. She knew a great deal about the Corcorans but it was fragmented. She leaned back with a sigh. There were so many pieces that now fit together more easily. Shelby and Leroy were married but their friendship wasn't enough to save their marriage. Shortly after his new partnership with a man names Lucifer (original, Quinn scoffed), Leroy died. Quinn hadn't realized that their father had died of a stroke. Quinn read Santana's words, knowing that there were no words to express the mourning that Santana was still in.
Quinn continued to read. She couldn't stop. The story finished with them moving to Lima. Quinn sat back and folded the story up carefully.
There it was. It was all written down. She had to protect this story.
She had never read her own story, but to read Santana's she couldn't help but feel her stomach bottoming out. They had been with him for almost two months. She couldn't explain the terror in her heart from her own experiences, because nothing had been consistent. Russell Fabray was not a constant monster and Judy was not always a persistent terror. There were times when days and weeks would go by when all Quinn was met with was silence. She didn't know where she stood with them but she knew that they weren't focusing their contempt with their terrible lives on her. After reading Santana's story, it was clear that Hiram invested such effort and energy into hating Noah, Santana and Rachel. Hatred stabbed differently at people. Her father was a terrible man, cruel and wrapped in his own terror and unhappiness that he had to provoke misery and demonstrate his power to everyone around him.
However, it wasn't reason behind her situation and her past that provided her any sanctuary. What she lived with and what she faced was not a cause and effect solution. It was terrible in its own right, but it was so much more than that. Dwelling on it hurt too much. She knew now more than ever that Santana understood that.
When she first moved in she didn't understand Santana's obsession with protecting Rachel. However, she gazed distantly at the papers she just finished reading. Rachel represented so much more than their sister. She was the only innocence that they all had left. Santana had to sit through two months of watching her little sister be beaten, knowing she was being violated in a way that at seven years old she couldn't even handle herself. With Quinn it had just been her. She didn't have to worry about anyone else's feelings but herself. Santana had to perform sexual acts on the evil monster that kept her siblings captive in order to try to lessen the blows on her baby sister and older brother, again something that no child should ever have to do or worry about. Quinn only had to worry about her. She had always been grateful about that. Now her gratitude felt so insignificant. Santana's over protectiveness of Rachel made complete sense now. After everything she had to witness first hand Quinn couldn't blame her for wanting Rachel to be in her sight at all times. After reading this she wanted Rachel to be in her sight at all times now too.
Santana's fear of closets made sense now as well. Quinn wondered from day one why the girl didn't have a door to her closet. Now she finally knew. Quinn's eyes watered. She couldn't imagine being locked in a closet; being forced to watch as a monster tore apart Rachel on the bed across from it. The thought made her stomach surge. She was more thankful now than she had ever been before for Noah's bravery and brains that day. He broke out just in time to get the cops to come back before the monster could move onto Santana too.
The bell rang and interrupted her thoughts. Quinn quickly wiped at her face to ensure any evidence of her stray tears weren't visible. She grabbed her things and entered back into the real world of the busy hallway. The day was almost over all she had to do was get through it.
She spotted Brittany and Santana at their lockers. She approached them with purpose. She needed to get rid of this. She needed to get this off her shoulders.
"Hey," she said interrupting their conversation.
"Hey," Santana said with a small smile. "Are you ready for tryouts?"
"Here," Quinn said without tact as she forced the papers into Santana's hand.
Santana's eyes grew wide as she looked at Brittany in shock suddenly forgetting how to breathe. Brittany shook her head in equal surprise.
"You dropped them, I picked them up," Quinn clarified quickly as she gazed around the hallway. She slowed and searched Santana's face as a sense of vulnerability and shock melted over her sister's face. "Santana?"
The girl shook her head frantically as she put her hands up. She shoved the folded notes into Brittany's hands quickly. She shook her head and looked at the story as if it would burn her. She couldn't meet Quinn or Brittany's eyes.
"San," Quinn said gently. "I didn't mean-"
"Forget it," she said with a shake of her head, unsuccessfully controlling her tears. She turned and started to walk away with brisk steps that transformed into a run.
"Santana," Brittany called back, taking the story and tucking it safely into her backpack. She started after the girl but a hand on her arm stopped her.
"Don't," Quinn said. "Let me."
"This is between her and me," Brittany said defensively.
"It's so much more than that," Quinn said gently. "Let me talk to her."
Brittany gave a faint nod and the shorter blonde started down the hallway. Quinn paused and walked back to Brittany.
"Don't lose that," Quinn said sharply. "It'll kill her if you do."
Brittany nodded and watched Quinn disappear into the crowd.
…
Santana leaned into the corner of the bathroom stall. She couldn't breathe. She felt such a panic from it all. She was such an idiot bringing that to school. Brittany dropped it. What if someone else had picked it up besides Quinn? She banged her head against the stall. Quinn read it. She saw it in the blonde's eyes. Quinn knew everything now.
She heard the door open. She sucked in a quick breath and held it in her lungs as she peeked around the stall as quietly as she could. She saw Dani standing there. She quickly wiped her face and blinked her eyes to clear the tears. She took a deep breath and swallowed her pride deciding to walk out of the stall.
"Hey," she said casually.
"Hey," Dani said with a shrug. "Tryouts are in the gym right?"
Santana nodded. "Yeah..." She watched as Dani reapplied her mascara. She didn't know where to begin. "I'm sorry," she said suddenly.
Dani looked at her with a frown. "What?"
"I didn't know... about you and….."
Dani stood up sharply. "Didn't know what?"
Santana searched the senior's eyes who was searching hers in return. She tried to form the words but nothing was coming out. "I just... why didn't you..."
"Stop!" Dani shouted squeezing her eyes shut. "Please just stop." She took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm really sorry about what happened to Rachie. I …. I can't imagine what you're feeling but... You know nothing about me, San. We're friends. You're one of my best friends, but that's just... It happened a long time ago and I... I'm sorry that I didn't say anything sooner..." She looked down at her hands. "I just can't with you. Okay?" She looked up and searched her eyes. "I just can't."
Santana looked at her with a frown. She couldn't help but feel like she was a bystander yet again.
"Sorry," she muttered.
"Don't be," Dani said softly. "It doesn't change anything. It's just …. It just is." She started to leave. "You coming?"
Santana shook her head. "I'll... I'll be out in a sec," she whispered leaning back against the sink. "I … um... I'll be right there."
Dani nodded and exited quietly. Santana took a deep breath and stared back at herself in the mirror . It didn't help that she and Quinn got about an hour of sleep. She was exhausted and worn out. They had to leave for school early for a meeting with Coach or was it vice principal Sylvester? Anyway, Sue needed to meet with them. She didn't get to see Rachel at all. She was sleeping when they left. Why was she sleeping so much? Damn it.
"Hey," said a voice behind her. She looked in the mirror and saw Quinn looking at her carefully. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," she muttered. She shook her her. "No, you know what? I'm pissed." She was gaining momentum. "You read that?"
Quinn shrugged up one shoulder. "Yeah, I did." She looked at her pointedly. "Don't lie to me and say that you wouldn't have."
"Quinn, that's-" Santana argued.
"It's true and you can't help but lie and pretend it's not," she looked at her with a frown. "You can't be mad at me. I didn't break your trust."
"You kinda did," she spat back.
"Breaking your trust would be if I took it. But I didn't. I found it. You know you're just mad because you wrote it."
Santana leaned back in shock by the truth of Quinn's words.
"Listen," Quinn said leaning against the sink next to her. "You know more about me than anything. Than anyone. And I never expected or wanted you to share with me everything... Okay maybe I did... but I got over it... but... now that I know... just... I'm sorry that no one was there to fight for you."
"You don't know anything, Quinn," she whispered, more defeated than defensive.
"That's true," she muttered. "Secrets sometimes ruin things. Sometimes they don't matter. Sometimes they mean everything.…." Quinn paused trying to find her point. "It doesn't have to change you."
"Yes, it does," she said tearfully. "It's like the most obvious, biggest piece of me that makes me feel like this... shattered person around all these put together people. "
"Brittany loves you. I love you and your obnoxious ass," Quinn smiled. "You can worry about other people leaving you but you need to stop worrying that we will. If we were going to leave we would have left long ago."
Santana looked at her. "You're terrible at pep talks."
"Well, then stop making me have to give them," she said with a frown. She pulled her backpack tighter on her back. "Me knowing isn't going to change anything just like you knowing about me...didn't change anything, which I am grateful for." Quinn looked Santana directly in the eyes as she put more strength behind her voice, "Now get your shit together, we have to go out to tryouts before coach calls mom again."
Santana nodded quietly and they started out of the room. "Hey," she called stopping Quinn. The blonde looked at her. "Thanks."
Quinn shrugged. "Whatever."
…
Tryouts were as heinously tedious as Santana expected them to be. However, she should have expected an awkward gush of underclassmen girls telling her that they supported her, but she didn't expect it. Not in the least.. She didn't know them and they didn't know her. No support needed. One of the girls who had been on the squad, Chastity Bliss, who Santana was sure was a stripper in another life with a name like that, asked Santana why Santana had chosen Brittany instead of herself. She had to quickly move to the other side of the gym to remove herself from the awkward situation.
Santana felt Brittany's eye on her through most of tryouts. et she couldn't bring herself to look at her. Santana couldn't think about that. She loved Brittany, she did, but in this moment love wasn't enough.
After everything settled and the tryouts were over, Santana spotted her mother waiting at the door to the gym. Quinn was already standing there talking quietly to her. Santana gathered her things as fast as possible while keeping her head down. Suddenly, she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. Crap, not fast enough, she scolded.
"Can we talk?" Brittany asked quietly suddenly appearing at her side. Throughout tryouts Santana had come up with every reason to be across the gym from the blonde. She couldn't bring herself to look her in the eyes let alone be near her or talk to her. It had worked while tryouts were going on, but now she didn't have an excuse to call her away from Brittany.
"I'm not mad," Santana said quickly without looking at her.
"Really? Because you seem kinda mad," Brittany said.
"Well, I'm not," Santana said still avoiding her eyes.
"Santana," Brittany scolded. "You can't do this. You can't just throw this little hissy whenever you want and shut me out."
"I'm not!" she sighed. "I'm sorry. I just...I want you to know but I don't... I just...I'm sorry. Talk to you later."
Brittany's shoulders sagged. "Kay." Santana began to walk away. Her brother and Mike emerged from the boys side of the locker room and now were talking to Quinn and her mother. Almost there, she thought. "I'm sorry that I dropped it!" Brittany said suddenly from behind her. She stopped mid step and watched as Quinn looked up at them quietly.
Santana turned and looked at the tall blond. Brittany was standing in front of her. The blonde went on. "I didn't mean to drop it. I feel horrible about it!"
She put her hand up stopping Brittany. She shook her head. "That's not... I'm mad about that." She shook her head again. "Well... I am... but... That's not the problem."
Brittany sighed, knowing that Santana having a problem was one thing, but having to yank it out of her was a completely different ball game.
"What if someone picked that up?" Santana blurted suddenly. She shook her head as she bit her lip. She paused wondering if she should have returned it to Brittany at all.
"Santana, I'm sorry," Brittany said sincerely as she took a step towards the brunette.
Santana took a step backwards. "I know you are," she muttered looking at her hands. "It's not that I don't trust you... It's not that at all. It's not even that I don't think you should know. I want you to know all of me." She paused and looked the girl in the eyes. "It's not just me, Britt," she muttered. "It's Noah and Rachel too. No one has ever known any of this stuff outside of my direct family. No one. Ever. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to know me... and... you lost it."
"Santana," Brittany said again, trying to understand. "It was an accident. It won't happen again."
"I know..." she whispered. "But can't you see it's not just that?"
"I'm trying here," Brittany replied quietly.
"I know you are," she replied back just as gently. "But it... it feels like I'm being an unreasonable jerk. I know it does but I can't get past it. Too much is wrapped up in this. I don't know. I can't...I just. Talk to you later okay?"
Brittany looked at her with a sad nod. "Okay." She watched as Santana quickly turned on her heel and resumed walking towards her family.
…..
Later that night, Santana stared down at her homework for the countless time. She just wanted to snuggle with Rachel and pretend that the world wasn't happening. It worked when Rachel was little, but it worked less now. Shelby stood up murmuring quietly to the youngest about how she needed to get ready for bed.
"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" Santana asked hopefully, but she attempted to mask it.
Rachel bit her lip as she searched through her memory's conversation with Holly. She wanted to be more grown up. Her family thought she couldn't even sleep on her own. It made her feel like a baby. She didn't want to be a baby anymore.
"I'm okay," she muttered. "I'm going to try to sleep alone."
Santana's eyes darted around the room trying her best not to look disappointed. "Sure," she said with a weak smile. Shelby looked at her thoughtfully but she shook her head, indicating that she was fine. It was going to be another long night.
She knew it wasn't going to be another night for poker because she watched as Shelby gave both Quinn and Rachel their evening medicine. Quinn frowned with worry but took it. Quinn would be sleeping tonight. Her head was still full, and her options of distraction were becoming more limited. Later when the house had become even quieter and her thoughts were becoming louder, she heard Noah rustling around in his room. She forfeited to curiosity and headed down the hallway knocking gently on her brother's door. There was a louder and more furious rustling around in the room for about a minute before the door opened.
"Hey," Santana said with a frown trying to peek into the room.
"Hey," he replied breathlessly. "What's up?"
"What are you up to?" she asked without hesitation trying to look around her brother's frame, but frowning when she was quickly blocked by his tall muscular figure.
"Nothing," he frowned.
"Noah, come on," she pushed. "You can tell me."
"I really can't," he said quickly. He took a moment to look at his sister and frowned. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." She snapped back defensively.
"Okay. Night." Noah murmured swiftly as he shut the door in her face.
Santana gave a loud sigh at the closed door. Her brow furrowed as she walked down the hallway, pausing outside her room as she gazed into Rachel's room. The light on her dresser was still on; she couldn't sleep with it off. Her door was also open. It was not only for Rachel's benefit but for their mother's. It was the closest thing she had before she dug out the baby monitors. Quinn's door was still open slightly too.
Santana paused. If Rachel said she didn't want to stay with her, does that mean that she couldn't stay with Rachel? She went quietly back into her room and changed. She looked at her empty bed. She was exhausted and needed to sleep. She grabbed her father's shirt and crept quietly across the hallway. She silently climbed into Rachel's bed and wrapped her arms around her.
Rachel stirred with a bit of a jump. She opened her eyes and looked at her questioningly with exhausted eyes.
"Please?" Santana begged, barely above a whisper.
The eleven year old nodded and moved into Santana's arms, easing back into sleep without a fight. Santana settled around her grateful that now she could focus her energy on Rachel and not herself.
….
Thursday at school seemed to go just as quickly as it had come. It was another boring day at school. Santana had avoided Brittany like the plague. She had managed to successfully get through the entire day without having to talk to Brittany. She could tell by the look on Brittany's face that she had finally read her story and while the anticipation of waiting to talk to her about everything was killing her, she felt like the actual act of talking about everything would be even harder. Brittany wasn't trying as hard to talk to her. Neither of them were ready. They didn't know where to begin.
So she put it off a day. She walked different paths to class than normal, hid in the bathroom during lunch and even ducked out of view a few times when she saw the tall blonde heading in her direction. She knew it was cruel and immature to do but she couldn't bring herself to face her truths, now that she knew that the blonde held them all in her head too.
After practice she practically ran to her aunt's car. Quinn had some appointment or the other with their mom, so her and Noah had to catch a ride with Joey and the stupid rat dog. As she climbed into the backseat of her aunt's Prius she released a breath and felt her body relax. She officially made it through a day of school without having to talk about her life. She could live with the glares and stares from random people in the hallways and even had almost gotten used to the sudden shoves as people plowed past her with purpose but she couldn't bring herself to deal with talking about herself. Not at school. Not today. She just needed to get through the week. She just needed one more day.
Santana looked at the back of her brother's head as her aunt drove them home. Noah and Joey were talking about something or other that wasn't of any importance as the dumb rat dog drooled all over Santana's lap. She shoved the dog to the other side of the car without breaking eye contact from her brother's head. Noah was acting like he was trying to cover up that he was part of the CIA the past couple of days but was doing a poor job at it. On her way to the bathroom, where she hid out during lunch, she had seen him and Mike whispering at his locker. They both practically had their heads shoved inside the metal box as they quietly talked and pointed at something that was out of Santana's sight. Santana squinted her eyes at Noah's head. She remembered the other night. Why was he looking at an atlas anyway? He wasn't in any geography classes. He was definitely planning a roadtrip and Mike was obviously going with him. She had known that for a while, but she couldn't figure out where he was planning on going, what he was planning on doing or when he was planning on doing whatever it was. All she had learned from her day of dodging Brittany was that Mike was in on it.
She sighed, her head was starting to hurt from all this thinking. She turned her head towards the window and stared out at the scenery that flew by them as they pulled into their neighborhood. They were almost home. All Santana wanted to do was sit next to Rachel and see how her day was. She had heard her aunt say something about their mom and Quinn being busy for an hour or two at wherever they were, but she had missed the reason why. Santana shrugged her shoulders silently. She would make sure to ask Quinn about it when they got home, but in the meantime at least she had Rachel to distract her mind.
They finally arrived at home. She would have Rachel next to her and she would be set. Almost there. Just had to walk into the house.
"Hey," her aunt said blocking her path. "What's up?"
"What's up is that you're standing in my way," Santana said with a frown.
"Sorry, your majesty," Joey replied. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't turned into a mute or lost your hearing while at school. You didn't say a single thing on the way home nor did you respond to any of my comments or questions. Very unlike you. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Santana said with a frown.
"Is anyone giving you a hard time at school?" Joey asked defensively. "Because I will march down there myself and -"
"I'm fine," Santana repeated again. "It's nothing. I just want to see Rachel."
"Don't think we all haven't noticed how much you've been glued to her lately," Joey said gently.
"Well, she's eleven and she's going through some stuff right now. So excuse me!" Santana fired back.
Joey searched her eyes. "Whatever's going through your head you don't have to face alone."
Santana looked at her. "I appreciate that, but have you ever considered that I might need to?" She sighed heavily. "I know you're here for me, but just let me figure stuff out on my own first. You don't have to coddle me every step of the way."
"Like you're doing with Rachel?" Joey asked.
Santana instantly looked away from her aunt, choosing not to reply as guilt consumed her.
Joey sighed as she reached out and grabbed her niece's hand. "I just want to make sure that you know that you should let someone into your head sooner rather than later. If you are feeling full...don't keep it all in...I'm here to talk. I always am, you know that."
Santana gave a nod as she pulled her hand out of her aunt's grasp. "Kay." She stepped around the older woman and made her way towards the front door.
…..
Quinn looked at her hands. She knew that the car had stopped, but she couldn't conjure the effort to climb out of the car.
"Quinn?" Shelby asked.
"I don't want to go," she said strongly. "I don't want to hear that I was a disappointment and a loser to them. Not again. Not...now." She looked up at Shelby. "I …. I thought I didn't mind hearing it, but I do. I don't want to go in and hear that. She hated me anyway. What's the point? To have Frannie rub it in my face?" She shook her head. "Please, why are you making me do this?"
Shelby looked at her sympathetically. "Quinn, the lawyers cannot read the will without everyone present and you are named in the will. If it is vicious or mean in any way or if Frannie says something to you, I will be there to protect you. You are not going to be alone." Quinn searched her eyes knowing that Shelby would do her best, but that the woman couldn't protect her from the past or prevent the words before they're fired. She sighed. Shelby went on. "Joey is meeting us here as well to help with all the legal stuff."
Quinn looked around and saw that Joey was at the entry to the office building chatting away on her phone. She sighed. "I don't want to do this." She repeated again.
"I promise you that I will try to make this go as quickly as possible but it has to be done. And unfortunately, Quinn as much as you want to forget about this part of your life - forgetting is not an option but I will help you recover from it and work through it but you need to talk to Elyse and work through this - I have been down this hard road with the others and forgetting doesn't work it leads to more issues honey - I know it is hard - really hard but you are a strong strong girl and you will get through this."
Quinn bit her lip. While she was still reluctant she understood that there was no way around it. She climbed out of the car and headed into the building with the two women. She saw Frannie first; her brain didn't even identify her as her sister anymore. She paused, had it ever?
Frannie glared at her. "I hope after today, I never have to see your ugly face anymore."
"Due to the restraining order that's in place," Frannie's lawyer advised. "It would be best if you not say anything."
Frannie glared again at Quinn, but stayed quiet.
The lawyer whose name that Quinn already forgotten was now talking to her. However, Quinn wasn't listening, she was trying to figure out what the man's name was instead. She remembered knowing it at one point. She heard them vaguely talk about how sorry he was that Judy was gone. Then he said something that caused Quinn to pause.
"What?" she asked. The adults looked at her with a frown. "Sorry, what did you just say?"
"I said that your mother came to visit me a week before she died.-" The lawyer explained.
"She's not my mother," Quinn said quietly.
"And who is?" Frannie spit back. Quinn paused and glanced subtly at Shelby. "Oh bullshit! You've brainwashed her!"
"She hasn't," Quinn said with a frown focused on Frannie. "She's the closest thing to a mother that I've ever had."
"That's enough," the lawyer said. "As I was saying, Judy was adamant about the changes." He opened the papers. "Let's get started. The house was in her name only and it was mostly paid off with a small mortgage left on it. It was to be sold in the event of her death with the tiny mortgage to be paid off and the rest of the proceeds should go solely to Quinn Nicole Fabray." The tension crashed in the room. "All contents in the home except the silverware are bequeathed to Quinn Nicole Fabray to do with as she wishes. The silverware is to go to Frances Fabray." Frannie's face was frozen in a state of disbelief. The lawyer continued. "Five thousand dollars of the estate will be awarded to Frances Fabray. The $2 million life insurance policy has a sole beneficiary of Quinn Nicole Fabray. Quinn is to inherit all this on her 18th birthday. Until then it will be put in a trust fund. A minimum of 200k of the $2 million policy should be set aside for her college education."
Quinn frowned. Her parents always believed that it was the girls' obligation to attend an Ivy League school. She repeated the words in her head. What just happened? What was happening? She looked up and refocused. She saw Frannie screaming. She was actually screaming. While it wasn't a new thing for Quinn to witness, she never had seen her sister scream to such a degree without feeling for her own well being.
"My mother was a crazy drunk! She wasn't in her right mind when she made the changes!" Frannie screamed.
The lawyer looked at them squarely. "It is pretty clear and contesting it will not change after the fact."
"This is bullshit!" Frannie screamed grabbing her bag and storming out the door in one quick motion.
Quinn began to cry. Her mother hated her. She frowned deeply. That was a fact. It was something that her mother said all the time. There were times that her mother wouldn't say anything to her for days and drink on the back porch. She would just sit there staring off into space. The nicest thing her mother had ever said to her happened once after Quinn was punished from her father, just once, Judy had said, "You didn't deserve that." That was the only nice thing. She couldn't remember when her mother was nice outside of that instance. She had no recollection of it at all.
Shelby guided her to standing. Joey was talking to the lawyer at the door.
"There's one more thing," the lawyer called out to them. Quinn looked at him, relieved that this piece of information would make more sense to her and give her a reason for her mother's strange behavior. "Judy wants you, Shelby, to take full custody of Quinn. She doesn't want her going to any of the other Fabray relatives. I informed her that because Quinn is now a ward of the state that she didn't have much of a say in it; however, she insisted that I tell you, should something happen."
Quinn frowned as she felt the tears run down her face. None of this was making sense. She shook her head. None of it was making sense at all. Shelby guided her out the door. She looked back at the room. What just happened?
…..
Santana stared at her work. She couldn't concentrate at all. Rachel was watching Quinn and then turning back to Santana for some sort of guidance. Lately all Santana could think about was what had happened to Rachel because of her. She wouldn't allow herself to think about what had happened to her. She had deserved it. That was a fact no matter what her therapists or her mother said. She didn't fight hard enough for Rachel. She couldn't think about her own pain. She didn't want to be a victim. She didn't want that. She couldn't think of herself in that way. People did that enough for her. She didn't want to think about it herself.
"San?"
She looked up and Rachel was staring up at her. "Yeah?" she asked with a small, weak smile.
"What's wrong?"
Her brows shot up and she gave a light laugh. "Nothing."
Everyone else was looking at her. Her aunt, grandmother and mother had been talking quietly for awhile and had now stopped to stare at her.
"I'm fine," Santana said with an embarrassed laugh. She looked at Quinn who was staring at her. She knew that Quinn had a strange meeting that afternoon. Why was everyone looking at her? Shouldn't they be looking at Quinn? Santana shook her head. She needed to get the attention off of herself. "Where's Noah?"
"He and your grandfather are working on his homework in the other room," Helen said. "Rachel, bug, it's getting late for you. Are you finished?"
She gave a tired nod. Shelby told her to head up and get ready for bed. Santana watched her leave quietly. "Mom, I'm tired too," she muttered
Shelby frowned and looked at Santana's work. "Are you finished?"
"Sort of," she muttered handing her work to her mother. Shelby glanced at Santana's assignment sheet from her teacher. "It looks like this stuff isn't due until next week. You're tired?" Santana nodded. "Okay," she said. "You wanna sleep with Rachel again?"
Santana looked slightly embarrassed. She thought she had snuck out before her mother noticed. She gave a quiet nod. Her mother dismissed her and she escaped up the stairs.
Shelby watched her go wondering what was happening in her head. Santana was one that didn't do well with being hounded or coddled. She would ask for help eventually. She hopped. Shelby silently tried to brainstorm about how she could help Santana. She could see that she was gripping onto Rachel like Rachel gripped onto George. It worried her. She wanted to comfort her but she knew that pulling Santana away from Rachel would be more stressful.
Shelby turned to Quinn and sat next to her.
"Please don't ask me if I'm fine," Quinn said before Shelby could open her mouth. "She died and she spent my entire life telling me that she hated me and now... she's left me everything. I'm not grateful, I'm not okay. I'm confused and I need to do my homework."
"Okay," Shelby whispered. "How is school? You seem to have less homework. Particularly in history."
Quinn nodded. "Yeah. We're doing a lot of group projects." The lie rolled off of her tongue quickly and efficiently. How did Shelby notice everything?
Shelby nodded accepting Quinn's statement easily causing Quinn to breathe a sigh of relief. At least she could keep skipping history. At least that could be something that remained constant in her life.
…...
Santana twirled Rachel's hair around her finger as the girl slept. The house was now quiet. She herself wasn't ready to sleep. When she closed her eyes, she remembered him. She didn't understand. Why now? She remembered his face... his hands... and how he held the back of her head when he forced her to give him oral sex. She just couldn't close her eyes. It was three o'clock in the morning. It's was only four more hours or so.
Rachel stirred in her arms.
"Pleasenopleaseplease," she whispered into Santana's chest.
"Bug? Rachel, you're okay," she muttered. "Wake up, bug. Wake up."
Rachel jumped awake and looked at Santana with tearful eyes. "You're okay," Santana soothed as she wiped away Rachel's tears. "Want me to go get Mom?"
Rachel shook her head and hugged her sister close. Santana could feel her breathing calm as silence settled on them. She assumed the girl was asleep again until a small voice interrupted the darkness.
"Sanny?"
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Did...h-he hurt you?" Rachel's word felt like a punch in the gut.
"What?"
"Did he...stick things inside of you and say things? And hit you?" Rachel's voice was so innocent.
"What?" Santana shot up in bed bringing Rachel with her into the dark.
"I remember," Rachel whispered. "But not a lot... He used to spank us and put things in us... right?"
Santana felt her breathing growing heavier. "Rachel, I..."
"What happened that day? That day you were in the closet?" Rachel asked gripping onto her knees. "I thought about that day when I was with... when I was with my teacher..." She looked at Santana in the darkness. "I'm confused. What happened?"
Santana looked at her and let out a quivering breath. She couldn't tell her. She just couldn't, but then for some reason she heard her own voice. "That day was the day we were rescued. The day I was in the closet. You were sleeping and he came after me and I fought him off and then he went after you. I tried to ….. I tried to stop him... but... I couldn't... He got on top of you and I tried to stop him again and... and he beat me with his belt and then pushed me into the closet and slammed the door. I put my arm in the doorway to try to get to you but he broke my arm instead..."
She could see Rachel crying and picked her up pulling her into her lap. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed.
"Rachel, you have nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't get to you. He …. he raped you and you screamed and cried and I … I tried to get to you … and then... and then all of a sudden... you just stopped...You didn't make anymore noise..." She held Rachel tighter. She could feel wetness on her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
"Mr...Mr... Schuester pinned me over the desk and... put something in me... and I remembered that moment when you were screaming for me...while he..." She shook her head. "It felt like he was stabbing me...but he didn't have a knife."
Santana pulled her closer. "I'm so sorry, bug," she whispered. "I'm sorry we weren't there for you."
"You've always been there for me," Rachel said looking up.
"You're eleven, Rachel," she said shifting so that Rachel was leaning against her and sitting in her lap.
"You're sixteen," she said back. "Don't act like being sixteen means you're a grown up."
"I'm your grown up," Santana said quietly, pulling Rachel close with a tiny sob.
"No, you're not," Rachel whispered tiredly as she held her sister's hand. She looked up at her and cupped her cheek softly. "You're my sister."
Rachel yawned and let Santana's arms wrap around her. Santana felt herself still shaking over what she had said. She shouldn't have told her that. She shouldn't have said any of that.
"Rachel?" she whispered, feeling the tears coming again. She couldn't cry, not with Rachel in her arms. "Rachel?"
The only noise she was met with was a gentle snore. She held Rachel tighter as she slept. She just had to focus on holding her; she couldn't focus on anything else, especially not her words.
Rachel stirred in her arms again and laid back down. Santana followed her, spooning her small body.
"San?" Rachel asked, interrupting Santana's full thoughts.
"Yeah?" she asked shakily.
"You saved me. You always did," she said with another yawn.
"No, I didn't, bug," she muttered.
"You did," Rachel said turning and tucking her hands under her head. "When I was at the school and he was on top of me you talked to me." Santana frowned. "Go for the eyes, you told me. Remember? So I did. I fought back, Sanny."
Santana frowned. She couldn't hear Rachel's words. She shouldn't have had to fight back in the first place. Santana was outside that same school when this happened. She was outside when her sister had to fight to save herself.
…...
The next morning she could barely stay awake. She hadn't been able to sleep. All she heard was Rachel's voice echoing in her head. She frowned as she watched Noah load his bag into the the car for his weekend with Mike. She kissed Rachel lightly on the head.
"I'll see you later, bug," she said carefully making sure to glare at Holly on her way out of the front door..
She looked at Quinn who was still aloof and quiet. She walked out ahead of her and towards her brother.
"You're not fooling anyone," she hissed into his ear. "I'm going to figure it out."
He scoffed. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I'm having a guys night with Chang because you women and all your eskimos-"
"Estrogen," Santana corrected.
"Whatever," he said. "Just back off Santana. You're making up crap because you're going through something and you're pretending that you're not. So you're making my life miserable instead."
She stared at him and shook her head and shoved him. "You're being such a jerk right now. You're being selfish. Knock it off!"
"I'm a lot of things, San, but I'm not selfish," he hissed. Noah spotted his mother and Quinn coming out of the house.
"What's going on?" Shelby asked as Quinn climbed into the car.
"Nothing," Noah said. "Nothing at all."
Santana shook her head and glared at him as she climbed into the car. "Forget it."
…..
Santana was avoiding Brittany again. She could feel Brittany's eyes on her. She had been a jerk to the blond, but her guilt wasn't invoking her to move into action. She couldn't concentrate on that. She needed to think about something else.
Noah received a letter from New York, she thought. A letter from New York after his eighteenth birthday. She drew in her book. 18...18...18...18...She remembered sitting in her aunt's office countless times at her law firm. Damn it! Suddenly it all became clear. How could she have been so stupid? The bell rang and she shot up from her seat, hoping to move fast enough that Brittany couldn't catch her. She failed.
"Hey," Brittany said catching her arm. "Can you stop being a jerk for a second?"
Santana sighed and nodded. "Sorry."
"I … I know that I don't know how hard this is for you but it's hard for me too," she said quietly.
Santana searched Brittany's eyes. She wanted to hear more from the blonde, she did, but now wasn't the right time. "I know, but I have to go and find my brother before he does something stupid," she said with a frown.
Brittany sighed and turned to a passing jock. "Hey, where's Corcoran?"
The jock shrugged. "He headed out with Chang a second ago."
"Headed out to second period?" Brittany asked with annoyance.
She heard footsteps behind her. She turned and saw that Santana was running toward the parking lot. She chased after her. Damn it. She went out to the parking lot and Santana had her hands on her head in panic as she watched Mike Chang's car turn onto the main road.
"FUCK!" she screamed throwing her bag on the ground.
"What's going on?" Brittany asked breathlessly. "Are you okay? What's going on?"
"Do you have your car?" Santana asked desperately. "I need to follow him."
"San, what's going on?" she asked gently.
"Please, Brit," she begged pulling away. "I need to go after him. I need to go after him now."
Brittany searched her eyes, remembering the story. "Okay," she muttered. "Okay."
They climbed into the car. "Will you tell me what's going on?"
"My brother is being an idiot," she hissed.
"Well, that's not new," Brittany said as they pulled away from the school.
Santana stared back at the school, she took a deep breath in attempt to calm her nerves. "Will Quinn be okay? Can you text one of the girls and ask them to watch her?"
Brittany handed her the phone. "You can do it."
She watched as Santana silently texted and then pushed back and looked out the window.
"Santana, where am I going?"
"They're getting on the highway," she said. "Eastbound." They pulled onto the main street and watched the tail end of the Mike's car disappear. "There! There! See it!?"
Brittany nodded and watched her from the corner of her eye. She was worried. She was concerned. She was scared. "Santana, what's going on?"
Santana looked out the window at the car and then back at Brittany.
"My brother turned 18," she muttered.
"Okay," Brittany said quietly.
"When he turned 18, he became an adult," she whispered. Brittany frowned, not understanding. "When he became an adult it became legally permitted that that bastard could contact him."
Brittany squeezed her eyes shut. She understood.
"We'll get him, San," she muttered. She looked at her with a smile. "We'll get him." She pressed her foot down on the gas pedal with a little more strength.
…..
Noah looked into the rear view mirror.
"Jesus Christ," he muttered.
"What?" Mike asked from his passenger seat looking over his shoulder.
"It's my sister," he mumbled as he glanced down at his cellphone. She was calling. He gave a heavy sigh and pulled over into a rest stop area. He wasn't going to have his little sister get hit on the highway. She needed a place to pace.
She climbed out of the car looking pissed as hell. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she screamed.
"Go home," he said solemnly.
"No!" she said. "What the hell do you think this is going to accomplish!?"
He leaned back on his heels. He knew she knew. "San, go home!"
"Don't act like you're a man, Noah! You're not a man!" she screamed. She flung her arm. "Going there and talking to him, won't help you! It won't help any of us!"
"Shut up, Santana," he said. "Go home."
"No," she said as she quickly walked up to him. She now stood a foot away from him as she looked him directly in the eyes. "You can't see him. I know that you think that talking to him will make you feel better but-"
"Santana," he said more gently. "Get in the car and go back to school. I need to do this."
"Why?" she said tearfully. "He ruined our lives. Just let it go."
"Like you have?" he asked.
"Noah! Rachel asks me what happened all the time. I don't need … I can't... you can't see him."
She was breathing more rapidly. Noah engulfed her in a hug. "Santana, go home," he whispered again. "Go home." He held her close. "Go home." Noah walked over to the car and motioned to Brittany. "Take her home."
"No," Santana sobbed. Noah pulled her away and Santana let out a sob. "No, Noah! Please don't do this! Please!"
"Take her home," he said again.
Noah pulled himself away and started to walk toward the car. He climbed into the car. Santana chased after the car. "Noah! Please!"
Brittany held Santana back just so that she didn't get hit by other cars in the rest area's parking lot.
"Noah! Noah!" Brittany called.
"Go," Noah said looking at Mike.
The boy hesitated but started up the car. They started to drive away. "Are you sure, man?" Mike asked as they pulled back onto the highway.
Noah steeled his gaze. "I am more sure now that I've seen her reaction. He needs to never get a hold of any of my sisters. Ever again." He looked straight in front of him. "We're going. Drive."
I know you all hate cliffhangers, but it's been a long enough wait that I wanted to get this up. Hopefully the wait won't be as long this time.
