Chapter 46

"There is a chance one of us might die every time we walk through the door."

"I was a little afraid."

"I really did like you, Kate. A lot."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Why?"

"Because it means I'm not the probie anymore."

Memory after memory washed over him.

"You were exactly where you were supposed to be."

He couldn't stop them from coming.

"It's all about the Benjamins."

"Not always."

One after another.

"We say...better ten guilty men go free than one innocent be punished, but I know from personal experience it doesn't always work like that. I couldn't take that chance with Sarah."

The emotions associated with them were strong, overwhelmingly strong.

"I'm just glad you're alive."

Some didn't have any words associated with them. Just moments, events, places. Moments he had observed.

A lot of people had walked away, been sent away, had left, had died.

Some had come back.

Others hadn't.

"I never would have made it through FLETC without his help."

Not all were negative. It was just that there were so many. He wasn't sure he could make it through them without drowning.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"I wasn't sure about it, Jethro," Ducky said. "But at some point, we have to be willing to trust Timothy to do the right thing...the right thing for himself."

They headed for Tim's apartment.

"Did he say what he wanted?"

"No. He said that he couldn't explain why he needed it."

"How did he seem?"

"Guarded, unsure. However, it was his suggestion to go back to his apartment."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost two hours. I was on my way to check on him when you called me."

They got to the front door. It was locked which wasn't surprising. Ducky had made sure the door was locked before leaving, just in case.

He knocked.

"Timothy?"

There was no response. Gibbs hesitated for all of ten seconds before deciding to pick the lock.

The main room appeared to be empty. There was no sound.

"Timothy?" Ducky called out. "Are you in here?"

No response.

Ducky looked at Gibbs with concern.

Gibbs strode forward. They weren't going to get anywhere by standing and worrying. It was clear that Tim had been using the typewriter. As he walked toward it, he glanced into the bedroom.

...and he changed trajectory instantly.

"In here, Ducky."

Tim was sitting on the floor by his bed. His eyes were wide open, his hands covering his mouth. He was taking quick, shallow breaths.

Gibbs knelt down.

"Tim. Tim, can you hear me?"

Ducky hurried in and also knelt on the floor.

"Timothy. What happened?"

Still no response.

"Tim."

"Is it a flashback?" Ducky wondered. "This isn't like his others."

"I don't know."

Tim wasn't looking at anything, it seemed. Gibbs reached out and grabbed Tim's arm with one hand and his shoulder with the other.

"...okay?" Tim whispered.

"What?"

Tim's eyes seemed to focus on him.

"...warm in here..."

"What do you mean, Tim?" Gibbs asked.

"...glass..."

"He's remembering," Ducky said in realization. "He told me to leave because he wanted to try to remember. Alone."

Gibbs wanted to ask why Tim would do that when he'd shown so much fear about being able to tolerate it, but he knew. Tim wasn't the kind of person who wanted an audience for the hard things. He also didn't want to have to lean on others for the hard things. He felt like he should be able to deal with it on his own. He had decided to remember. Alone.

"Tim, we're right here. You're not alone," Gibbs said, hoping that Tim could actually hear him.

If Tim heard, he made no sign of it.

"Let us help you, Timothy."

Tim's eyes shifted from Gibbs to Ducky, but they were still glazed.

"...back...so tired..." Tim whispered.

What memory he was experiencing wasn't clear.

"...home..."

Ducky took hold of Tim's wrist and then shook his head in concern.

"His pulse is racing, Jethro. We need to get him out of this if we can."

"How?"

"I don't know. I'm open to suggestions."

A shaking hand on Ducky's arm stopped the conversation.

"No..." Tim said. He truly looked at them both and then slumped over, flopping limply against Ducky.

"Let's get him off the floor," Ducky said.

They lifted and got Tim onto his bed. Ducky took his pulse again.

"It is slowing, although it's still faster than I'd like it to be."

"Was this a good thing, Duck?" Gibbs asked.

"I couldn't say for certain. That he was willing to try remembering is a good thing, but the results of this overload? I don't know. Even if everything goes perfectly, whatever that might entail, it won't be over for him. We can only hope that he didn't overwhelm himself again."

"If he did?"

Ducky only shook his head and looked at Tim who was now asleep or unconscious.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim woke up with a nasty taste in his mouth, an ache in his head, and a feeling that his brain was going to explode.

He groaned and brought both his hands to his head.

"Timothy?"

Tim opened his eyes and then winced.

"Timothy, can you hear me?"

"...yeah, I think so," he mumbled. "I feel terrible."

"While I know you won't agree, I'm glad you hear you say that."

"Why?"

"Because you're actually responding which is more than you were doing before."

"You were remembering."

That voice got his eyes open again. Gibbs. And Ducky. Both of them.

"Yeah," he said.

"And now?"

"My mind is going to shatter."

Tim sat up carefully and looked at them both. Then, he looked around and realized he was in his own bed. They hadn't moved him from his apartment.

"How long was I out?"

"It's been two hours since we got here," Ducky said.

He looked very worried.

"Oh."

"Timothy, why do this alone?"

"Had to," Tim said.

"No, you didn't," Gibbs said.

Tim found that he could smile a little.

"What were you going to do, Boss? Climb into my brain and help me manage the memories? Bully them into some kind of tolerable order? All that having people here would do is give an audience I didn't want." Tim closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

There was a long silence.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" Tim asked.

"How much did you remember?"

"A lot. Too much. Once I started, I couldn't stop."

"Where did you start?"

"Kate. Being dead. Me seeing her all over the building until I finally went down to Autopsy to look at her dead body."

Tim forced his eyes open again and looked at Gibbs.

"You're the one who wanted me to remember all this stuff. Why are you complaining now?"

Gibbs actually smiled a little.

"We're not complaining, Timothy. We were simply worried about your state of mind."

"Well, I'm not ready to go back yet." Tim took another deep breath and let it out.

"Didn't think you would be," Gibbs said.

"Good. Because I'm not."

"You're never going back. You're going to die here. The only question is how long it'll take for you to die. Until you tell us what we want to know, you'll live. Is that what you want?"

He held up the wires and Tim whimpered. That was all he could manage.

"We'll keep you alive. These things won't kill you. You'll live through everything we do to you. You don't deserve to escape it. Just think about what we've done already."

"Tim, it's okay. You're not back there."

Tim was shaking and almost hyperventilating, but he wasn't still sitting on his own. Ducky was in front of him. Gibbs was holding him.

"Th-They s-s-said that...that they'd keep me alive, that I'd n-n-never get back, that..." The shakes took over and Tim couldn't speak at all.

"They were wrong, Timothy. You got back. You got away from them."

"The pain...they knew it wouldn't k-k-kill me, but knew that...that I...w-w-wanted it to. Didn't deserve it...to get away."

"You deserve to get away. I don't know how long it will take to get away from the memories, but you deserve it, and you will."

Tim wanted to cry, but he didn't. He hated the onslaught of bad memories when he'd had some of the good. It just made the bad seem even worse.

"Timothy, take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Let's get you calmed down. Just breathe slowly and deeply."

Tim listened and tried to obey.

"Very good, Timothy. Just keep going."

After a few minutes, he looked at Ducky. Something was different. Not enough, not yet, but something was. Something inside himself was different.

"That's why I can't go back...yet."

"Yet?"

Tim nodded.

"Are you sure about that, Tim?" Gibbs asked.

"No. Do I have to be?"

Gibbs laughed a little.

"No."

"Good."

"Are you ready to leave?" Ducky asked.

Tim nodded and sat up again. He let Gibbs help him stand, but as they were walking toward the main room again, he stopped and looked around.

"Timothy?"

His clothes were here. His computer. His TV. His books.

My life is here or at least parts of it. I can't stay away.

"Timothy?"

He looked back at Gibbs and Ducky.

"What?" he asked.

"Are you all right?"

"No, but maybe I will be. I'm only going back to your place until I can get the power and water and everything turned on here."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to come back here...to live. This is my home."

"Yes, it is."

"Then, I'm going to live here."

"Are you sure you're ready to be alone?"

Now, for the first time in a long time, Tim felt a real genuine smile cross his lips.

"With therapy and all the people who will be coming here to check on me, I doubt I'll be spending much time alone."

Ducky laughed. "That much is true. ...but are you sure?"

"No, but I'm sure I'm ready to try it. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work."

They walked out of the apartment and Tim locked the door behind him.

"But I'm still not ready to go back to NCIS," he said.

"I still don't expect you to be," Gibbs said.

"Okay. As long as it's clear."

"It is."

Gibbs drove them both back to Ducky's place.

"What happened to your car, Ducky?" Tim asked.

"Jethro wasn't willing to take mine when he decided to check on you."

"Oh."

Gibbs let them off at Ducky's place and Tim walked in ahead of Ducky. He still felt really tired; so he went into the spare room and lay down.

He was supposed to meet with Dr. Taylor later, but he figured Ducky wouldn't let him forget it.

He slept.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky watched Tim walk inside.

"Well, Duck?"

"Still hard to say, but it is encouraging that he wants to do this."

"So soon?"

"No, not so soon. It's been months since his escape."

"But if he only started remembering just today..."

"No, Jethro. He's been remembering the little things all along...and some big things. This was just his allowing more of the memories to become conscious. It makes sense that, as he does so, his memories will give him a firm ground from which to approach his life. Before, he said more than once that he felt like he was in a void. Then, with the only memories he had being those that were negative, from the time of his captivity, he had no guarantee of good memories existing, in spite of everyone telling him so. He was afraid of being overwhelmed by the good memories simply because of how the bad memories made him feel. Now, he's letting the memories in and finding that they aren't like his memories of torture. That gives him confidence and strength because he's also remembering himself. It's not a void, now. There's substance."

Gibbs looked toward the house.

"Will it last?"

"I have no idea, but Timothy is conscious of the need to heal. He's not just jumping into it without thought. He knows he's not ready to go back."

"Yet."

Ducky smiled. "Exactly. He himself has now opened the door to the possibility. That means a lot more than you seem to be admitting. It will take time, but he's giving it that time."

"What do we do?"

"We also need to be willing to give him time and let him come back at his own pace. I know that Director Vance has already made arrangements for that, if Timothy wants it. It appears he does."

"How long will this take?"

Ducky just shrugged.

"As long as it takes. And any amount of time is worth it."