Last chapter before the holidays :)
Thanks so much for all the reviews and hopefully I can keep you into the story until it ends, so do let me know where you think I'm going right or wrong.
Enjoy!
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Bess said nothing and continued to sit up in the bed as if frozen. Her fingers clutched at the bed clothes as if somehow the cloth around her would give her comfort. Chavez exchanged glances with Doc, both men seemed unsure of how to proceed.
"Chiquita?" Chavez said finally, his voice tentative.
Bess flinched at the sound as if it had been too loud for her ears and slowly she looked up into his face, her eyes still glassy.
"You need food, drink and rest; you are exhausted; Deluvina said you must rest to get better" Chavez continued, once he had her full attention. He picked up a mug of cool juice made of watermelon, cold water and clear honey. He brought the mug slowly to her lips and urged her to drink with his eyes.
Bess' gaze flicked first to Chavez and then to Doc, taking reassurance in their familiar faces and bringing herself out of the dark place she had been dwelling in.
Her hand grasped the mug weakly and she took a sip. The liquid was light, sweet and refreshing, her eyes widened slightly as she realized just how thirsty she was, she raised the mug once more and gulped the rest of the liquid noisily.
Chavez smiled and nodded as if satisfied before holding out a small ball of what appeared to be herbs.
"For the pain and sickness" he said, raising his hand in a gesture for her to eat it, taking the mug from her grasp with his other hand.
Bess popped it into her mouth and chewed cautiously; it tasted a little like soft dried grass and ginger, but was not unpleasant. She swallowed and felt a strange warming sensation follow its path down her throat, the feeling was somehow comforting and she sat back, relaxation washing over her.
It was only a short while later that she began to feel the pain ebbing away to a dull throb that could be tolerated.
"Do you think you could eat some plain potato stew?" Doc asked, smiling warmly.
Bess thought for a moment, registering her body's signals and found that she did not feel sick in the slightest and even her appetite had returned.
She nodded, "I could try and eat a little." Her voice sounded strange and strained to her ears.
Doc grinned and let out a small laugh of relief.
"Good," he brushed his hair from his face, "you can eat an' then we'll take you back to ours, you can stay with us a while. 'Til you get your strength back at least" he added hastily, knowing Bess would argue with not being allowed to rely on herself.
Bess smiled and nodded, she was more than glad of the company.
After she had eaten and rested a little longer Doc and Chavez helped Bess to the nearby adobe they were currently staying at.
They settled her into a bed and made sure she drank plenty of fresh water; they avoided making any coffee and even took the used pot outside to make sure the smell did not upset her stomach. Bess looked from one to the other, thankful in this moment for having such good friends, but knowing that her thoughts were beginning to dwell too much upon that dark place once again: the one thing that seemed to burn into her very soul and make her doubt herself and all she was… Billy was gone.
She rubbed the mug in her hands absently with her fingers before looking up at the two men who sat beside the fire.
"Thank you fer goin' along with my plan an' sendin' Jane" she whispered quietly, trying to distract herself.
Doc smiled weakly, reading the lament upon her features. "You gotta pay your debts" he stated matter-of-factly.
Bess nodded, avoiding their gaze. Finally she glanced up, her look uneasy, nervous.
"What's bothering you Chiquita?" Chavez asked, his voice was soothing.
Bess' hands fidgeted with the mug she held, she placed it down upon a nearby table as if realizing her actions.
Doc glanced at Chavez and gave his friend a knowing look; he knew that Chavez would be the better man to deal with whatever situation lay ahead in this moment.
He rose from his chair, "How about I go get you some more of that sweet drink Bess?" He smiled and Bess gave a thankful nod.
Once Chavez and Bess were alone together he fixed her with his beautiful dark eyes, his gaze seeming to see into her.
"Tell me what is haunting you?" he said plainly.
Bess swallowed hard, she felt like a foolish schoolgirl with too many childish worries.
"I know my minds makin' me think things that ain't true, so I don't know if it's worth me tellin' ya any of it" she ended flatly.
Chavez waited patiently.
"I keep thinkin' of the things I've kept from Billy… or lied about, I keep thinkin' maybe he found out an' left." She sighed partly knowing this statement was ridiculous.
Chavez nodded, showing his understanding. "We all do foolish things for the wonders of love" he smiled.
Bess fidgeted once more.
"Billy left because he is still a child sometimes in here" Chavez gestured to his heart. "He is part man, part child; the child in him calls and plays with the wind and the man in him calls for calm, they are always at odds, that is why he left.."
Bess nodded, "I know, I know it's true… I know it's just... Billy."
"Tell me your kept secrets Chiquita; perhaps they are not as bad as you think. A veces la llama quema demasiado brillante ver." He smiled, his face had a warmth and openness too it.
Bess breathed in deeply and looked directly into his eyes. "I killed someone." Bess let the words burst from her lips, it was the first time she had told anyone and tears welled in her eyes at the confession.
Chavez's expression did not change; the fire danced its light across his smooth face.
"So have I" he stated calmly. "So has Doc, and Billy… death and killing are part of life here."
"No," Bess groaned, "it's different."
Chavez chuckled, causing Bess to look at him a little affronted. Chavez smiled again, amused by her change in expression.
"Bess, men and women kill for many reasons, greed, pleasure, jealously, protection… the list is endless as the sky is wide." He gestured around them. "I can see from within your eyes, your spirit, that you did not kill in cold blood, you would not be who you are now if you had."
"Yes bu…"
"Billy," he interrupted with a look that told her to be still, "and the rest of us… outlaw, lawmen, men on the street, do not see killing someone in the same light as you, you killed to defend yourself, we kill because we want to, killing is part of our lives."
Bess hung her head, feeling once more like a foolish girl, of course Chavez was right, what care would Billy or any of them have that she killed a man to protect her own person, it still haunted her, the men about her did not dwell on the enemies they killed. Finally she nodded slowly.
"I feel there is more that troubles you."
Bess glanced up. "I… I feel it may have been all my fault that things ended up this way."
Chavez indicated with a twirl of his finger that she should continue, his dark eyes intense.
"Pat… he told me th…"
"He loved you?" Chavez raised an eyebrow as if asking with this expression if this were the answer she was seeking.
Bess glanced up in astonishment and nodded dumbly.
"I suspected," Chavez said, pursing his lips, "that that was why he left." He paused and looked at Bess, "Pat is his own man, he chose his own path, it had nothing to do with you."
"I know." Bess mouthed the words; her voice seemed to have deserted her.
They sat in silence for a few moments; Bess letting the truth of matters sink in, her hand resting leisurely upon her stomach.
Chavez glanced into the small fire, "He will come back when the wind calms" he stated.
Bess looked up at him, wishing silently that his words were the truth.
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Bess lay awake listening to the soft snores of Doc and the gentle heavy breathing of Chavez. The adobe was beginning to feel too warm in the summer heat, even though the cooking fire had long since been dampened down to embers. Finally, knowing she would get no sleep in that moment, she rose and wrapped a shawl she had borrowed from Deluvina around her shoulders. She headed into the sleeping town; all was dark apart from the silvery light that the moon cast down, bathing the adobe buildings about her in an almost eerie white glow. She moved quickly, stepping carefully across the dusty ground, her bare feet leading her back to a familiar place. She leant once more against the wooden fence behind Beever's bar and looked up at the clear starlit sky. She sighed, remembering that she and Billy had shared their first kiss here; it seemed so long ago almost as if it had happened to someone else. She placed her hands over her stomach, feeling the small roundness of it and dwelling for a moment on what grew inside her, the thought seemed to thrill and frighten her all at the same time.
She began to hum the old Irish lullaby; the sound of the familiar song seemed to chase any unhappy thoughts away from her mind. She let a small smile drift over her lips as a cooling breeze swept a few stray hairs from her face.
"That's a nice tune."
Bess swung around, alarmed by the sudden sound. She stared at the person who had spoken; he was half obscured by shadows. She remained silent, she could think of no words to say in this moment.
"I had to clear my head." He walked into the moonlit and revealed his face fully to her. He leaned against the fence casually and then his blues eyes fixed upon her as Bess continued to stare at him. "I thought about ridin' just seein' where the wind took me." He paused. "But I couldn't...couldn't leave...you." He looked out across the plain a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth as if this amused and confused him.
"I have to know somethin'" Billy said, squinting slightly as another breeze brought a cloud of grit with it.
Bess nodded slowly, still dumbstruck by his sudden appearance.
"Pat told you, didn't he?"
Bess furrowed her brow and licked her dry lips, finally able to find her voice, "Told me what?"
Billy smiled sourly and looked out across the plain, "I knew when I saw you that mornin' in Lincoln, the look on your face, you couldn't meet my eye an' my guts felt churned up inside, but I trusted ya to resist him." He turned to her, his gaze drifting to her stomach.
Bess stared at him wide eyed; disbelieving what her thoughts told her was happening. "What're ya askin' Billy?" Her voice was no more than a hoarse whisper.
"I know Pat told you he loved you" Billy continued, ignoring Bess' words. "He must have thought me dumb as a mule to not have seen his fawnin' looks over you." He narrowed his eyes as if the mere thought disgusted him. He glanced at Bess; not needing her to confirm his statement, her expression said this much was true. "Did ya resist him Bess?" His pained blue gaze flicked to her stomach once more.
Bess' eyes widened and angry tears pricked painfully at their corners. She set her jaw and brought her palm up to connect with his cheek in a stinging, hard slap.
"You sunvabitch!!" she screeched, slapping him once again as tears began to fall down her cheeks. "You goddamn sunvabitch!!" She pushed hard against his chest with both of her hands making him stumble backwards. Billy made a tame attempt to control her but this only served to enrage Bess further and she fought hard against him, pushing him and slapping his chest as she gasped with the effort of her tears.
Billy suddenly grabbed her hard and brought her forcefully into his arms. Bess fought against him, her lips mumbling sharp cries of protest as he managed to contain her within his embrace. Before Bess could make another move Billy's lips were upon hers and she froze in surprise. He pulled away and studied her; his eyes glistened with the threat of tears.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled the rarely used words. "I had t' know, Bob kept tellin' me Pat was with you… I didn't want t' believe… I knew it want true… It's hard when you keep bein' fed poison." He finished in defeat.
Bess gazed up into his eyes; it seemed almost as if within this moment his soul was being bared to her.
"An' I'm scared Bess." His voice was high and almost desperate. His hands came to rest upon her cheeks. "I ain't never thought of rasin' a family."
Bess felt the anger melt away at the sight of him. She rested her hands tenderly upon his cheeks echoing his posture.
"I'm scared too," she whispered, "I am so scared." She let another tear fall, "But if you're beside me we can chase the shadows away."
Billy wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.
"I guess so." He then fell into a deep silence as they held each other.
After several minutes of standing in Billy's tight embrace she felt his body begin to shake and he suddenly broke into crazy laughter. Bess pulled away curious to see what he had found so amusing. As was so common with Billy his mood had changed in the blink of an eye. All past expressions of the last few moments were gone, not a trace remained. His face was full of light, and he laughed again, his starling blue eyes crinkled at the edges in high amusement.
"What?" she questioned, a small smile finding its way onto her lips.
"I'm gonna be a daddy!" he whooped, and before Bess could reply he had picked her up from the ground and began twirling her around. He let out another whoop and laughed again. Bess chuckled warmly, Billy's infectious laugh would let her do nothing else in this contented moment.
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Translations:
A veces la llama quema demasiado brillante ver - Sometimes the flame burns too bright to see
