It was still dark when Jessie opened her eyes, but the bathroom light was on, casting a dim glow in the room. Blinking, to clear her sleepy, limited vision, she could see John and Robert asleep in the shadows, and she couldn't help but smile in their direction.
Joey's left arm was draped, loosely over her waist, she lifted it slowly to her face, and squinted the face of his watch into focus. It was not quite six in the morning. She smiled inwardly, happy with herself that she had slept through the night without incident. 'Joey was right. I was okay with him.' She placed a feather-lite kiss on top of his hand, slipped from underneath his arm, then slid off the bed. Stepping into her slippers, she walked quietly from the room.
"You're up early. Everything okay?" A nurse smiled at Jessie as she passed the Nurse's Station.
Jessie stopped to answer her. "Everything's fine, thank you. Went to bed too early I guess." She smiled back at her, then nodded towards her room. "Everyone's still sleeping in there if they come out lookin' for me, can you tell them I just went for a walk? I shouldn't be gone long."
"I sure will." The nurse said enthusiastically.
"Thank you." Jessie continued down the hall. She wondered, as she went, how anyone could be so damn cheerful in the morning. Heading for the elevators, she stepped into an empty lift and pushed the top floor button. She had a lot to do today. A lot to think about. She had to convince Robert and John to leave her for the next couple of nights, reassure Joey that taking the Provigil was going to be okay and that it would help her, and prepare herself to go home. The elevator door opened, hopefully, she could find the answers she was looking for somewhere in the Terrace Lounge. It would be quiet and peaceful, the perfect place to think.
Robert's phone vibrating in his pocket stirred him to awareness. Without opening his eyes, he reached into his pocket, pulled it out, flipped it open, and put it to his ear, not bothering to check to see who it was.
"Yeah." He answered, his voice thick with sleep. "Hey, Brian. Yeah, yeah, good morning to you too. Yeah, but it's okay, I planned to get up and call you anyway. Did you get home okay? Good. He's fine. No, he didn't get sick, but he told me some things he had on his mind and we dealt with them. He's been holding on to some stuff he needed to let go of. I told you we needed to keep an eye on him. Uh-huh, we just need to do a better job. He fell asleep as soon as we got back here." He opened one eye and looked over at John. "He's still sleeping. What time is it anyway? Really? It just feels earlier. They're..." He opened his eyes and looked over at Jessie's bed. "Well, Joey's still sleeping. Jessie's up, somewhere. Yeah...bagels, juice, and coffee should be fine...oh and tea for John. Give them another hour, nine o'clock should be good. Okay. No, I'm gonna swing by my place later, thanks anyway. Okay. Bye."
After checking with the nurse, at the nurse's station, Robert learned that Jessie had left the room at six, a little over an hour ago. Being there was not much to do in a hospital, he guessed that she had gone up to the lounge.
When he stepped out of the elevator, Robert immediately saw the attraction to the Terrace Lounge. It was un-hospital like in every way and he could see it as a haven for patients and their families easily. It was an escape from the doctors and nurses, it didn't have that antiseptic smell of hospital hallways and waiting rooms, and there was no sickness or death lingering in the air. And John was right, all it was missing was a hotdog cart. He looked around since it was still early, there were just a few people scattered about, but he didn't see Jessie. He walked around the fountain to get a better look of the other side and spotted a small playground. When Jessie was little she loved playing on the slide. He smiled, remembering Patrick having to bribe her with nothing less than everything under the sun, every time he took her to the park and it was time to leave. He walked over to the playground and found her lying on the slide, her legs crossed and her hands tucked behind her head like she was on a hammock. She turned her head and smiled at him as he got closer.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself." Robert sat down in the grass beside her. "You okay?"
"Uh-huh, just thinkin' and..." She pointed up at the skylights. "I wanted to see the sun come up."
"What're you thinkin' about?"
"Everything. Probably too much for this early in the morning." She looked at him keeping her gaze steady, so he would see that she had given it a lot of thought and was serious about it happening. "I want you and John to go home tonight, to your place or the penthouse. Joey will stay overnight with me. I don't want John, or you, to sleep in those chairs another night. He needs to get some real rest, in a bed. It'll be good for him and his leg. I want you to go with him, so he knows that's it alright. You going will assure him that it's okay. And, with Joey with me, it will be. Last night was proof of that, and even if it's not you're only a phone call away. I don't want John to worry about me so much anymore, he needs to take care of himself. You can make sure he does that."
"I guess you have been doing a lot of thinking."
"It's only for a couple of nights, then I'll be home."
"Okay, if that's what you want. We'll stay at the penthouse until you get home." He said easily.
Jessie was surprised he had agreed so quickly. "Wow, I was expecting a little resistance there. What's up?"
Robert smiled. "Nothing. I just happen to agree with you, that's all."
"Really? Huh, that's weird." She looked back up to the skylights, grinning.
"What else you been thinkin' about up here?"
"Going home." She answered quietly. "Dad's not gonna be there...ever. I'm gonna hate that." Looking back at him, she half-smiled. "But I don't want to be anywhere else..." She looked away quickly and wiped impatiently at her eyes.
"Hey, hey." He reached for her arm and squeezed gently.
"I'm okay."
"Jessie, listen, I was thinking about having Patrick's service on Saturday-" She winced and paled a bit as he mentioned Patrick's service, so Robert quickly changed gears. "We don't have to do it Saturday, okay? We could wait, if you need more time, it's not a big deal. We could do it whenever you're ready."
Jessie sat up and shook her head slowly. "I just...I haven't even thought about that needing to be done. I haven't thought about that part at all. God, that's terrible isn't it?"
"Jess, it's okay, it's understandable." Robert tried to hold her hand, but she shook him off and got off the slide. He stood up.
She ignored him. "No. I want to do it Saturday. He shouldn't...he shouldn't have to wait to be with Mom and Travis. I want to do it Saturday, Robert, okay? Can we?"
Robert nodded, watching her struggle as the reality of what was going to happen settled in. Like John, the night before, she looked like a dam ready to burst, but she didn't have whiskey in her to weaken her defenses, so she was holding steady.
"Okay." Jessie took a deep quivering breath, calming the emotional storm that threatened to rise to the surface. "Besides, it really doesn't matter if we did it Saturday or a week from Saturday, I'd still feel the same way about it." She wiped at her eyes, cursing silently.
Robert took her arm and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he held her head to his chest. He could feel her trembling. "I'm sorry, Jess. I wish things had turned out differently and we didn't have to go through this, but we do. It's going to be hard and it'll hurt like hell, but we'll deal with it as it comes. Okay?"
Jessie pulled away from him, wiping her face with her shirt sleeve. "We should go back now."
She was shutting down on him, so he stepped up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Jess, you could talk to me. Tell me what I could do to help."
"There's nothing, it's nothing, I'm okay. I just...I want to go back to my room."
Jessie walked away from him and headed for the elevators. Robert followed minutes later.
When they got back to the room Brian was there with breakfast, so Robert decided not to push Jessie into talking. John and Joey were awake and the three of them were sitting by the window, eating and reading the sports page, going over the stats of the Boston Red Socks and the Atlanta Braves.
"Hey, there's my girl," Brian announced as Jessie walked in. He stood up and gave her a quick hug and kissed her forehead. "Good morning. I brought you some Everything bagels and Orange Juice, lots of pulp, so go ahead and dig in."
"I'll eat in a little while. I'm gonna take a shower and get dressed. Thank you, though, for bringing breakfast."
"Anytime, hon." Brian looked over at Robert, sensing something was off by the way she was acting. Robert shook his head and Brian nodded, silently communicating that they would talk about it later.
John noticed something was wrong too. He wasn't sure if it was the lighting, the sunlight, or a combination of the two, but somehow she looked paler than usual. As she walked by him, he reached out and touched her arm. "Everything okay?"
Jessie put on her best smile. "Yeah, I'm just a little tired. A shower will wake me up."
"What happened?" John asked after Jessie had gone in the bathroom and closed the door.
"I told her about wanting to have Patrick's memorial service on Saturday, she didn't take it well."
"This Saturday? Jesus, Bobby, she'll be home a day, she needs time." Brian told him.
"I don't think she's ready, Robert, it be like throwing salt in an open wound," Joey added.
"I know that now, but she's insisting we do it Saturday, so I 'm gonna go ahead with it. I think we're damned if we do and damned if we don't, but there's no going back on it now."
"I'm not even ready for it, how could she be?" Brian said quietly, shaking his head.
"She may come to realize that between now and Saturday, but for now we'll assume that Saturday is the day. I'm going to make the arrangements today. It's going to be pretty informal, Patrick didn't want it to be a big thing, he just wanted it to be about family and close friends. It'll be an open forum, so I want you all to feel free to say something at the service, but only if you want too, okay? Don't think that you have to, it would be hard for anyone."
The rest if the morning was fairly quiet with the talk of the memorial service weighing heavily on everyone's mind. Except for some small talk about what Robert, Brian, and Joey had to do, and an occasional laugh from Jessie and Joey, who were watching Jerry Springer, no one said anything.
Robert and Brian left at noon. Robert was going to go home to shower and change, do some paperwork at the office, then talk to their Priest about the memorial service. He would be back by six. Brian would not be back until the next day. Joey had to leave a half hour after they did. He was sitting with Jessie on the side of the bed watching TV, he slid off and stood in front of her.
"I have to get going." He pushed hair from her face.
"I need to get up and walk around a little..." John said standing up and reaching for his crutches. He wanted to give them some time alone before Joey left. "I haven't been off my butt all day, I don't know what's more numb, my leg or my ass." He laughed. "I'm gonna go do a couple of laps up and down the hallway."
"Thanks, John." Joey smiled at him., as John left the room. He looked back at Jessie and kissed her softly on the lips. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." She played with the buttons on his shirt, not looking at him.
He put a hand under her chin and lifted her face to meet his. He looked into her eyes for several moments, searching for the truth, and he found it when she looked away from him. "Jess..."
"I don't know what you want me to say..."
"I want you to talk to me..."
"I don't want to get into it right now, besides you need to go. We can talk later, okay?"
He hugged her. "I just want to help. He kissed the top of her head before pulling away. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Ziploc bag. "You look tired, you might need one of these." He placed the bag of Provigil in her hand. He didn't want her to take them, but he didn't want her to sleep without him. He wanted to protect her. "You sure these will help, they won't hurt you?"
"They won't hurt me. Thank you." She took one, then put the bag in her pocket.
He leaned in until he was just inches from her face. "I love you." He whispered and kissed her. Gently at first, then parted her lips with his tongue and deepened the kiss. He groaned happily when her arms went around his neck and pulled him closer. Before things got out of his control, he pulled away, kissing her as he went. "I'll be back as soon as I can. I was thinking Chinese for dinner since it's not going to be just us."
"Chinese sounds good."
"Okay. I'll see you a little later then." He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand and gave her a quick kiss. "I love you."
"Love you too. Now get going, so you could do what you need to and get back here."
John was walking back in as Joey was walking out. They said a quick goodbye to each other, then John went and sat on the side of the bed next to Jessie. He put his arm around her and squeezed playfully.
"It looks like you're stuck with me for the day, kiddo."
She smiled at him. "Being stuck with you isn't so bad."
"Thanks...I think. Well, what'd ya want to do?"
"Whatever you want to do is fine. I probably won't be very good company today. Sorry."
"Jessie, we don't have to do the service on Saturday, we could wait until-"
"No, it can't wait, it's not right. He needs to be with Mom and Travis, he shouldn't have to wait, I should be able to do that for him. I'll be fine. Trust me, I'm not gonna feel any different or deal with it any better if we wait." She looked down at the floor. "I've never been to one before...a memorial service or anything like that, not even Mom's or Travis', because Dad thought it would be too much for me. I saw their funeral five years later, Dad had Robert videotape it, because he was in the burn unit and couldn't go...when it was over, I thought, 'Well, that's it, I can never feel any worse than that.' Boy, was I wrong." She looked back at John, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Losing him was never an option for me."
John pulled her to him, hugging her tight, and rocking her gently, as she started to cry softly into his chest. "I'll be right there with you, Jess, just like I'm here now...hold on to me."
She could feel the storm brewing inside her again, waves churned her stomach, and she was suddenly grateful that she had eaten anything. She pushed herself, gently, away from him and slid off the bed. Taking deep breaths, willing her inside turmoil to cease, she paced.
Having done it numerous times himself, since his father's death, John knew what she was doing. "Jessie, you can't keep turning your feelings off like that. You have to let yourself feel-"
"If I let myself feel, all I feel is bad." She said angrily. She wiped at her eyes, continuing to pace.
John got off the bed and stepped in front of her. She was looking down as she paced and if he didn't put his hands on her shoulders, she would have walked into him. "You're not going to feel anything else until you feel that, first. Sooner or later the corks gonna pop on that bottle you've got buried in the pit of your stomach and you're gonna drown in what comes out."
"Well I'm a good swimmer, I could tread water for a long time."
"What are you so afraid of? It's me, Jessie, you know you can trust me."
She moved away from him. "I know and I do trust you...there's just so much going on inside me, I can't get it to settle...I can't sort it out."
"Just try. Tell me something. Anything."
Jessie shook her head. "I don't know..."
"Okay, okay..." John put his hand on her back. "C'mon, let's sit down." He led her to the chairs by the window and they sat down. "Stop thinking for a minute and just listen. I'm gonna tell you something, okay? I've been pushing you to talk, to tell me what you're thinking, and how you feel, but I haven't really done those things for you and I want to. I want you to know that what's happened affected me too...that you're not the only one that feels guilty."
"I don't...I'm not..." Jessie was shaken by the last part of his statement. Shaken, because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't think of anything for John to feel guilty about. He had done nothing but take care of her and Patrick from the moment they had returned to Boston, and except for the short amount of time he had been in his own hospital bed, he had been by her side since the night of Susan Grey's wake. She was hesitant to know, but she had to ask. "What do you feel guilty about?"
"It's my fault." He said quietly. "Dad's dead because of me."
"What?! That's not true! John, I was there, I saw what happened...and anyway, Langston was going to kill us all no matter what. Lewis' screwing up and killing Dad first, is the only reason we're still alive. There was nothing you could have done to change any of what happened. What do you think you could've done while you were cut, bleeding, handcuffed and your legs were tied? Unless you're some kind of Houdini, who didn't use his magic to get himself free, there was nothing you could've done. Even if you did get yourself free, there were three of them and they had guns. You can't blame yourself for that, John, I won't let you. If I have to tell you ten times a day, every day, for the rest of my life, I will. It wasn't your fault."
God, he wished it were true. All he wanted to do was hold her and take refuge in what she said, but he couldn't. He leaned forward and put his head in his hands. If he wanted her to open up, he was going to have to do it too, he had to tell her what he had done wrong. "Jessie, that's not what I meant...the warehouse, it's not what I'm talking about."
He sounded miserable. His voice was filled with pain and guilt, and it scared her. Was there something she didn't know? She wished he would look up so she could see his face. She reached across and put her hand on his head. "No matter what you tell me, Dad's death could never be your fault, John. Do you hear me? It can't be your fault."
John shook his head. "But it is. Jessie, the night we were taken...I didn't...when I opened the door if I would have been more careful...if I would have had my gun, like I should have, like any other God damn cop or F.B.I agent would have done, given the situation we were in, things may have gone differently that night. If I followed, what any rookie could tell you is a textbook procedure, I might've taken Lewis out, maybe Krieger too...or I could've alerted the surveillance teams outside the building, or at the very least, I could have checked the guy out before I opened the damn door!" He finally picked his head up. His face was twisted in anguish, his eyes were bright with tears and his chest hurt like it was being squeezed in a vice. "But no! I had to open the door like I was expecting a fucking pizza! I let them just waltz in and take us. Don't you see now? It's all my fault. I didn't do my job."
"No," Jessie told him adamantly. "That wasn't your fault. Stop, okay? I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself. It wasn't your fault. Nothing that happened-"
"Jesus, don't you get it?!" He shouted, then put his head down in his hands again. "If they didn't take us, Patrick would have never left the wake...if he doesn't leave the wake, he doesn't die. Everything would have been okay if I would've done my damn job. We would've gone to the safe-house and everyone would've been okay. Patrick would still be alive and you'd...you'd be okay. I'm sorry." He started to cry. "I'm sorry, Jessie, I'm so sorry."
Jessie couldn't believe he was doing it, that he was sitting there in front of her blaming himself and apologizing to her for Patrick's death. She was angry at him and hurting for him at the same time. She wanted to both smack him in the head and hold him, so they could cry together. She leaned forward so that their heads were touching, and put her hand on his back.
"I'm not buying it, you hear me? I told you, no matter what you told me, what happened, wasn't your fault. You've done nothing-" He started to shake his head. "Listen, you've done nothing but look out for us, since you came to Boston, and I was screwed up way before you met me. John, you gave Dad another chance, you-"
"I got him killed." John choked out.
Jessie knelt down in front of him, reached underneath him, fisted his shirt in both hands and pushed, forcing him to sit up and look at her. "Don't say that! Stop saying that!" She shouted, hitting him in the chest while she held on to him. "Please..." She begged him, tears flooding her eyes and spilling over to her cheeks. "It wasn't you, it was him...he caused all of it...he should have left it alone, nothing really happened and I never went back there again. It was his fault...his fault that Dad died...that they all died... and we got hurt...and I hate him. I hate him for what he did!"
John blinked in surprise, realizing that Jessie was about to give up something huge. "Who are you talking about?"
"Sal. It was Sal, okay, not you. Sal, he shouldn't have...he...he didn't-" She stopped, her eyes wide with the reality that came with what she was saying. She blamed Sal. She blamed Sal for everything that happened. The man, who was second only to her father, who loved her unconditionally like she was his child, the man who would do absolutely anything for her, and did. She blamed him and just said she hated him. She let go of John, feeling lighted-headed and cold, her chest started to heave as a part of her came loose.
John grabbed her and pulled her to him before she fell back into the chair. She was crying and by the time her head hit his chest, she was sobbing. "Okay, okay..." He rocked her as he held her. "That was a big one...that was tough." He held her tight while she clung to him, and he started to cry again. "It'll be okay...we're gonna be okay."
Several minutes later, Jessie's sobbing turned to soft whimpers. She took a deep shuddering breaths, trying to control the hitch in her breathing as she calmed. Her hold on John loosened up and he ran his fingers through her hair.
"You okay?" He asked, kissing the top of her head.
She nodded against him. "You?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah."
"I loved him... "
"I know. You still do, that's why it hurts so much."
"Why did he have to go after Langston? He didn't have to do that."
"He loved you."
"Why didn't you tell me how you felt about Dad's death before?"
"I don't know. I was scared I guess and I didn't want to upset you...you've had plenty to deal with, I didn't want to add to it, but mostly I was scared about what you might think."
"Don't do that again, okay? Tell me no matter what. Promise."
"I promise."
She pulled away from him and looked up into his face. "You know it wasn't your fault, right?"
"I can't help but feel some responsibility for it, Jessie. The cop in me knows I should've done things differently."
"Well, look at it this way then, if you would've had your gun, they would've had a perfect excuse to kill you right there and then, and they still would've taken me. Dad would've only needed one of us to bait him into leaving the wake alone. All three of us would be dead right now. We never would've had a chance."
Jessie had a point and John shuddered at the thought of her handcuffed and hanging from the ceiling, in his place. Or worse, if he didn't have John too, Langston might have continued where he had left off with Jessie nine years ago while he waited for Krieger to deliver Patrick. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind before his imagination completely took over. "I don't want to think about that. I guess you're right though...they could've killed me then." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Look, maybe we should both start putting the blame where it belongs, on the crazy, son-of-bitch Langston, and give ourselves a break. Okay?"
"Okay." She nodded in agreement, but deep down she knew it wasn't going to happen, not for her.
"Good." John smiled. He sniffed and rubbed at his damp, puffy, red eyes, then framed Jessie's face with his hands and wiped the remnants of her tears away with his thumbs. "We are a sorry sight, for sure. Jesus, if Robert walked in that door right now, he'd never leave us alone again." Jessie laughed, and John grinned. It felt good to make her laugh. "What'd ya say we clean ourselves up and get out of the room for a while? Walk around a little, maybe go up to that lounge again?"
"Yeah. That sounds good."
"Okay then, let's go wash the tears and snot from our faces and get the hell outta here."
"Nice."
"Actually," John said examining his shirt. "Check your shirt, I think most of it wound up there." John laughed.
"Gross." Jessie shook her head as she laughed with him.
John got up to get his crutches, when he turned around to head towards the bathroom, he stopped because Jessie was just standing there looking at him.
"What's wrong?" He asked walking back over to her.
"Nothing. I just..." She grinned. "I just love you, that's all."
John pulled her into a hug. "I love you too. Now, let's get outta here before the waterworks start again."
Tbc...
