Author's Note: First let me thank everyone who had reviewed, alerted, or put this story on their favorites it means a lot to me and keeps me writing.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own them? I'm just playing with someone else's toys and do return them in the same shape I have found them (well that may not always be the case).
"Severus, you don't realize what leaving cost me or even what being with you for five years cost me, or hell you don't even realize what being in this world has done to me. Yes I want to be here, I want to be with you. But there is doubt there, doubt that I don't know will ever be erased. There are times when I wait for the other shoe to drop, for you to decided you don't want to be with me. One word would have been all it would have taken to make me turn around, I had to deal with all of that alone. All that pain that Ron was right, I was just not worth anything. You compounded that by five years of telling me how everything thing I did was either wrong or irritated you."
When he started to say something she held up her hand stopping him.
"I was still naive enough at the time to think that you would change your mind about divorcing me, when that door slammed that day I had to learn to live with all that crushing pain. All the doubts that maybe I just wasn't good enough for this world, I had to deal with all of that on my own. I won't lie, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. For the last four almost five years I've picked up the pieces of my shattered life, tried to put them back together all the time knowing that I would be here in a heartbeat if you wanted me. Knowing that I was that weak when it came to you, that I would let you toss me aside again if it meant that I got to spend more time with you."
She stopped to breathe before continuing,
"Of course time trying to put myself back together taught me to doubt everyone and everything, or maybe having to put my life back together myself jaded me. I am here, I truly believe that you are trying to make up for the past. But that does not quiet my doubts or how truly frightened I am that you'll change your mind. You know you told me that you acted that way because you walled yourself off from caring too much about me. I still have to keep a part of myself back, at least for now. If I don't and this is all just a game your playing with me I will not survive this time, I know this."
Severus sat and listened to her, things he had never heard from her before. It made his heart clench in his chest the way she spoke of having to deal with all of it, the four years he spent working up the…. Courage to even attempt to have her back with him. The four years he spent reading her journal, learning how he shattered her with his words and actions. Finally he asked,
"Can you honestly say it would have made a difference if I had tried to stop you? In those last six months I had not changed that much. I understand doubt and even fear, I carry those with me also. I spent our time apart learning how much I truly hurt you, how one word could cause so much damage. I needed that understanding to move forward to what I wanted, you. You'll never know how badly I wanted to stop you from leaving, but then you said four words that stopped me. Words that I had heard before, yes they hurt as much this time as when Lily said them. It took me a long time to figure out that she didn't say them because they were true, she said them because they weren't. When I heard the same from you, a young woman who tore down my walls all because she loved me. I froze, in that moment I understood you gave me what you thought I wanted. In that moment I understood that all I ever wanted had just slammed the door."
He took a breath, calming himself for what he was going to reveal next.
"I wondered around the house before going to your room, I sat on the bed just…. Lost. I was lost, I opened the box on the side table to find the picture of us. I watched it for a long time, then it came to me. I could have been so different, I could have talked to you. I controlled everything, because I felt as if everything was out of my control. I made a choice the day we were bonded, it was the wrong one. Of course I have to lose to see that, I laid there crying because I knew in my heart that I had done that to you. When I left that room I closed the door and didn't go back in for a year, I couldn't face what I had done. Don't misunderstand, I still wanted you back with me. I wanted to do it right, I just didn't know how to undo what I did. I spent three years reading and rereading your journal, hoping that it would give me a clue as to something I could do to have you back. There was nothing there but the pain and misery I dealt out to you. Then that day I saw you in the restaurant, I followed you out. I was prepared to do anything to just have you listen to me that day, I would have… I still would throw myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness."
Hermione wipped her eyes, she had no idea what to say. Finally he said,
"I'm not playing a game with you, I'm not here to make you hurt to make myself feel better. I want this, I want you with me for all of time. I know we still have a ways to go, I know there will be doubt. You'll doubt that I am not playing a game and I'll doubt that you can find it in yourself to still care."
"Yes, we do still have a ways to go."
He wanted to go to her, hold her tell her that he still needed her in his arms but he wasn't sure it would be the right thing to do right now. She looked up at him finally then motioned him to join her, he moved to sit on the bed with her. She took his hand before saying,
"Would you do something for me Severus?"
"Anything." He answered quietly.
"If you overhear something, come and ask me about it before going off depressed and crawling into a bottle over it. I promise to be as honest as I can with you."
He reached up caressing her jaw with the backs of his fingers before answering,
"Yes, I will try to remember to do that for you."
She smiled at him leaning over she kissed his cheek,
"Thank you."
"Will you do something for me?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Always be honest, I cant fix what I don't know about."
"Yes I will."
He wrapped his arm around her hugging her to him. He pulled her to lay back on the bed with him, she curled up against him with her head on his chest, his arm wrapped around her. In moments they were both asleep.
Author's Note: Comments really do make me smile and brighten my day.
Also I wanted to let you know that I have a couple of Severus/Hermione videos on youtube, the link is in my profile.
