AN-
Chapter Fifty Six
(Yuki's POV)
My heart was pounding in my chest.
Hammering against my ribcage, seizing and quivering in my throat.
I felt a sickening desire swell up inside of my clenchinfg stomach, a shiver crawling over my skin, a trembling buzzing through my weary insides. My blood grew cold, and yet it was racing like water across ice.
The door slid closed behind me, and the sunlight vanished with it.
I wanted to run, I wanted to turn and run, force my legs to carry me until I couldn't breathe, until my muscles tore, until I fainted in the dirt.
And I wanted to stay. I wanted to race across the room, to be rid of the gaping space between us, to curl into His arms, to have Him hold me so close, so tight, that my heat beats with His, that my skin melts into His.
A beautiful darkness.
An essential abuse.
A reassuring disturbance.
My fingers began to tremble, and I curled them into my sweating palm. My body was trembling, so I tensed each muscle. My eyes were stinging, so I closed them tight.
Such… melting… darkness…
It's leaking into my lungs, soaking into my innards, oozing down the back of my throat.
I wanted to feel Him, I wanted to hear Him, I wanted to see Him.
And I wanted to run.
I want to run—
I slid my eyes opened and watched as the crimson glow of the setting sun glowed against the shoji screens, giving the room a faint, ominous glow like a fading candle. The walls, though touched by the dark glow, were black. This sun… this glow… it was not the light that set fire to Kyo's hair, or glowed against his bare skin. It didn't hold that flaming beauty, that ominous life, that hazing serenity…
This sun… This glow… it did not touch me. It could not reach me.
I could not reach him here.
Here, I was alone.
I was alone, completely alone… and yet, I feel almost… whole.
This place, this hollow, empty place, with nothing but darkness, where not even the sun held light… this is where I belong.
I fit.
In this darkness.
With Him.
I was complete in such a hollow darkness.
Such terrifying beauty.
His silhouette sang with miserable desire against the shadow of the sun, such an ominous figure, such a God-like physique, such a powerful… such a powerful feeling…
Such a frightening… powerful, feeling…
I wanted to burn it in my skin, mould it in my flesh, drain it into my blood stream. I wanted it to pulse into my heart, to poison my thoughts, to distort my vision, to rip my voice from my throat.
And I wanted to tare it away.
I watched with steady eyes as the figure slowly turned. The faint glow casting shadows over His transcendent face.
And through the dark, the shadow casting black over the hollows of His eyes…
I felt His stare bore into me.
I felt my innards cringe desperately as He looked at me—and I was naked.
Completely torn of all pretence, of all protection, of all guard, of all skin, flesh, bones, and blood.
His eyes bore deep within my self to a place where even I didn't dare to look.
"Hello, Yuki."
I breathed in his voice, his portentous voice… it was not a voice, it was the air. It was the air I breathed, the breath in my veins, the blood to my quivering heart.
"It has been… so long."
A seductive whisper, a trilling scream, a comforting dream, and a terrifying nightmare.
But which one.
His body drifted through the crimson glow; brandishing transparent, and stretching shadows over the long itinerant walls.
He neared me, closer still, and I curled my fingers tighter, digging my nails into my sweating palm, breathing into seizing lungs, looking through stinging eyes.
"I have been waiting… for you, Yuki."
His body was so close, His magnificence emitting from Him in powerful waves—waves that had me stumbling away, and dragging me in deeper. His aura, so strong, so over-whelming, I wanted to crumble onto my knees, I wanted to melt into Him, I wanted to drown in Him.
I wanted to drown.
My black ocean.
My sinking sky.
"I have… missed you."
Akito approached me.
(Kyo's POV)
"Kyo-Kun?"
I looked up to see Tohru giving me a worried look, "Are you alright?"
I shrugged it off, "Yeah, fine."
The sun was setting, nearly completely consumed by the greedy horizon, and the red fog of its departure was fading across the sky. I was walking Tohru back home, and she has been in her usually bubbling mood—but I suppose that I let my expression give away too much of my confusion.
Her eyes were deep with concern, and her brow slightly ruffled by uncertainty, "Did you not have a good day?"
I complained stiffly, "Guess not, everyone's been acting like they gotta stick up their ass."
"Even Yuki-San?"
"Pfft, don't get me started on him." I said, but my voice held no agitation, just exasperation.
"So are you two fighting?" She asked in quiet insecurity, no doubt wondering if she should be bringing this up.
I frowned, "I dunno… maybe he is mad at me…" My words trailed off as I sunk back into my thoughts, racking back throughout the day and trying to figure out what I could have done to make him give me the silent treatment, "Usually when he's pissed, he just comes out and kicks my ass for it."
"Oh…" it didn't sound like that was a comforting thought for Tohru, but it was comforting for me. Except for the fact that this situation didn't prove that right.
"He hasn't told you anything, has he?" I asked, almost in desperate agitation, and Tohru immediately shook her head—but then she stilled.
"Maybe… maybe he did, and I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have!" Tohru held her hands to her mouth nervously, a frantic look sparking in her eyes.
"Don't do that." I said, clearly frustrated, and I pulled her hands away from her face, "He's probably just fretting over something stupid. Maybe that Ox… hey, did Haru say anything to Yuki after I left?" I asked, suddenly remembering how everything seemed normal until after I went to deliver the letter for Shigure.
"Haru?" Her eyes lit up at his name, and I felt my eyebrow rise in reaction, "No, I went home with him after you left. We were together the whole time."
A blush formed underneath the light colour of her skin, and I walked forward, ignoring it, "Maybe that damn dog said something to him, he seemed to know something." I narrowed my eyes at remembering his more profound mysterious nature with me all of today, "Yeah, he definitely knows something."
"Maybe Yuki-San was just tired… I made him get up early to walk me to work, oh no, what if I said something? W-what if I did something to offend him!" She gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth and her eyes quivered in fear, "Oh no! I must apologise! I didn't mean it!"
"Shut up with that." I smacked her on the head without roughness, and jerked my head forward, gesturing for her to follow me as I continued to walk, "It's not cuz of you, he pretty much adores you, ya know."
"Eh??"
"Honestly, you're like a frickn' angel to him." I ranted to her, feeling a bit jealous as I did so, "Even from the beginning, when you were around him, he wasn't so cold all the damn time." I looked away to wrinkle my nose, "He doesn't like it when you think you did something wrong, so just stop with that."
"B-but—"
"I'm bein' serious." I gave her a firm look, "It's not you."
Finally letting it get through to her, Tohru nodded quickly at my insisting tone, and she tugged at her shirt, "I'm sure Yuki-San is alright."
"Nnh." I shoved my hands into my pockets and glowered at the sidewalk. All day. We've had days when we barely saw each other, but he wouldn't ignore me like he has today.
It was only one day, and it was already chewing chunks of my self-restraint, who the hell knew, he'd probably just wake up tomorrow and he'd be flashing me one of his blinding, yet timid smiles.
"Do you know where he is now?" Tohru asked in a slight voice.
I glanced over to her, "Hn? Dunno, I don't really wanna keep tabs on him when he's like this." I shook my hair out my face, "Best to leave him alone, I'd only make it worse."
Tohru gave me a considerate smile; "Maybe it wouldn't make it worse."
I wrinkled my nose; "Yuki doesn't like it when I try to help."
He likes doing things on his own—just like me.
And Hell, did I hate that.
(Yuki's POV)
"How long has it been, Yuki?" He spread his arms wide, and I felt a current rush through me—a pull, an undeniably tempting pull; and a force, pushing me away, willing me to fear. In the confusion of such strong, and cursedly opposite emotions, I was frozen. Caught between being attracted and repelled, invited and unwelcomed.
"Akito." I acknowledged Him in a weary attempt at a greeting—my voice silent.
My voice was always silent… always so silent around Him.
A grin slid along His lips and I refrained from cringing away, "I have heard many stories, Yuki."
His eyes mocked me, and an amused knowledge flickered in them, "I ignored them, but they just kept coming." He mused to me, a curious smirk on his lips, "One after the other. The next one more amusing then the last."
I tried to swallow, but my mouth was completely dry, and my throat felt swollen.
He was so close now—so close that it hurt.
He impaled me with those dark voids He called eyes, "So I brought you here, Yuki." His hand raised up in such a slow manner that it caused my pulse to go on over-drive, "I brought you here to see if they were true."
His fingertips feathered onto my cheek, and my pulse stopped. My heart froze. My blood crystallized… and His eyes smouldered, "Are they true, Yuki?"
I hated it—I hated how much He said my name, kept saying it, kept saying it, each time dragging a ripping nail against my soft heart. I tried to keep my composure in my voice, "Which stories."
A sudden grin spread wide across His face, and a low, amused chuckle rattled from His throat—and I dug my nails deep into the flesh of my moist palm to keep them from trembling.
"'Which stories'??" He repeated, His voice harsh and drenched in entertainment, "Don't play coy with me, Yuki, you know which ones." His fingers trailed higher over my cheek, freezing my skin with His cold skin, "The one's I hear about you and that cat."
I breathed in as steadily as I could, my fears confirmed, "Yes, they are true."
Suddenly a trilling laughter claimed the silence, and His head rolled back as the laughter inked out of His throat, snapping against the dark walls, vibrating through my body.
He kept laughing, and I kept digging my nails into my palm. His fingers, trembling with hilarity, removed themselves from my face to curl around His stomach as He bent over in laughter. The sound shook through me, and I didn't know whether to feel relieved, or utterly terrified at His reaction.
Then His ringing laughter finally settled into rippling snickers as He hid His mouth in the arm of His kimono, His body trembling with amusement.
My body was trembling too, but not with laughter.
When His snickers died down, He lifted His face just high enough so that He could bore His eyes into mine from underneath His eyelashes. He hummed to end the laughter, and then His voice was mingling with the shadows on the walls, "See, here I didn't think it was true. The Mouse, and the Cat. So strange, so weird, so stupid." Another snicker shook His body briefly, "Just like you, Yuki."
It was impossible, to detach myself from His words. To fold into myself, and block Him out.
It was impossible, because He was already inside of me. There was nowhere to hide.
"I guess, with you, it would make sense." He mused, straightening up now, and cocking His head to the side as He assessed me, "You really are… such a lonely boy." The corner's of His mouth twitched unpleasantly, "Are you really so lonely… that you would seek comfort from the cat?"
Something rocked through my body, nearly sent me leaning against the wall for support. A realization? A sudden… understanding?
Was that it?
Was that… could that be it?
I was shaking my head, back and fourth, in response to my thoughts, in response to His words. I wasn't with Kyo to ease my loneliness… I never asked for that.
A darkly amused glint seeped into His eyes at my reaction, "Oh, yes, that is true. You know it's true, Yuki. You are so lonely, so desperate for affection." His fingers reached out to me and the muscle in my thigh twitched in desire to back away, "Such a lonely… desperate boy."
His cold fingers were back on my skin, making in crawl, and they trailed along my jaw-line, "Seeking comfort… in that thing."
"It's not like that!" The words spilled out of my tight stomach involuntarily—and He quirked a questioning eyebrow at me. I shut my mouth immediately—talking like that, outbursts like that… it could get Kyo hurt, if I wasn't careful. If I enraged Him too much, Kyo could get hurt.
"It's not?" His voice doubted me confidently, "Yuki… you are blinded by your emptiness."
I felt despair wash through me like a cold rush of water and I shook my head, and this time my voice was nearly a whisper, "I'm not empty."
He let out a short, bitter laugh, "Not empty?" His eyes implored me insistently, "Yuki… you are hollow."
At the words command, I felt my insides fade from inside me, lurch to the sides of my body, leaving a painful hole in the gut of my stomach.
He looked at me with a dull expression, and commanding eyes, "You are blind, Yuki. Empty. Hollow. There is no light for you. You are masked by your darkness. Walking around, arms outstretched, pleading for help—that's what you are, Yuki." His words grew bitter, "You are truly pathetic."
And I was.
His words, they defined me.
No matter how much I tried to hold onto my composure, my newly developed confidence, my forming security—it all slipped away, useless against His words.
He came closer to me, and I felt the fabric of His kimono brush against my clothing as He leaned in—and my mind was immediately intoxicated by His nearness as I felt His cold breath at my ear.
"Do you think he likes being around you?" He said in a domineering whisper, "Who would like to be around you, Yuki?"
I tried to keep my breathing even, but my lungs quivered, and my throat trembling against each inhale.
"You are so boring." He said in a dull, insisting voice, "All you do is complain."
I turned my head in pathetic attempt to cringe away from His unyielding words.
"You push your pathetic insecurities onto everyone around you, Yuki." His voice slithered through my ear, rattled amongst my insides, and drifted into my existence, "You drag everyone into your weak depression."
In small attempt to hold myself together, I dragged an arm over my stomach and curled my trembling fingers into the fabric of my shirt.
His breath didn't leave my ear, "You're like a disease, Yuki."
I was trembling—quivering against His words, trying to block them out, trying to keep myself together… but the hole in my stomach kept expanding, and I was useless.
"Spreading darkness onto everyone around you." His voice was haunting, and wet with repulse, "Killing everyone's happiness."
I bit my lip to keep myself from whimpering against His words.
No… No, I don't want to be like that…
I don't want to be like that.
Don't say that.
Don't say things like that…
"Or have you forgotten?"
I tried to keep myself from hunching over, from folding into myself, from curling into a pitiful ball on the floor at His feet.
"Have you forgotten your place?" He slithered in my ear, "Do I need to remind you?"
My eyes snapped wide with fear and my breath hitched in fear.
"Do I need to put you back? In that special room? You wouldn't be a burden on anyone there… you could let everyone live in peace. You should remember."
I clenched my teeth together to keep my jaw from quivering as I vanished from His room—and I became surrounded by tall, stretching walls that loomed over my infantile form… and the dark, cascading shadows that screamed across the empty floor. The door… so near, but unreachable. The room—was filled with nothing. Even with me in it.
"I will keep it unlocked." He mused into my ear, His voice singing into my lungs. "I will keep it unlocked, but you won't leave."
His dark chuckle filled the air, seeped into my ear, and an un-restrainable shiver iced up my spine, "Where would you go? Who would want you?"
My eyes, still wide with the fear that poured through my tightening veins, could see nothing but that room.
That… empty… room…
"No one would visit you." He chanted in my ear with silky purity, "Only those who pity you."
My false pretence, my desperate attempt at showing no weakness, it was washed away, a useless protection against His dominating words, a worthless shield against His horrific honesty.
So completely useless against His words.
"Is that what you want, Yuki?"
I felt my stomach seize, and clench painfully as I wrapped my arms firmly around my in shaky attempt to fill the hole inside of me.
"Do you think he'd care?"
The cold crawled across my skin and I tried to concentrate on breathing, on thinking, on pulling myself together—
But He was breathing against me, taking my air.
But He was in my head, clouding my every thought.
But He was inside, pulling me apart piece by piece…
"Do you think he fucks you because he cares?"
My eyes snapped up to His—
How did he know that?
That was personal—that was private
His lips sickly curled into an amused grin, and His voice was drenched in molasses, "You. Are. So. Gullible."
I dug my nails into my clammy palm and tensed my muscles in attempt to settle the trembling—but I could not tare my eyes away from His.
"It's pathetic, how much you'd believe." He said in a fragile voice dripping with silky pity, "You are nothing to them, Yuki. You are nothing but a tool, do you understand?"
I felt my jaw tremble, so I clenched my teeth together.
I felt my fingers quiver, so I squeezed my fist tighter.
I felt my lungs tremor, so I held my breath.
I held my breath.
"I am the only one who cares for you." His eyes were soft, and pulled me in deeper, "I am the only one who would ever want to be with someone as depressing as you."
He lifted His hand and I felt my body involuntarily tug back without hope—and then His cold, bony fingers were back on my cheek, trailing over my shivering skin.
"You spread darkness, and unhappiness."
His cold touch feathered over my cheekbone.
"You are a disease… unwanted, and contagious."
His fingers traced the skin bellow my eye.
"Such a… lonely… pathetic… little boy."
His cold fingers were summoning my tears; I felt their moist burning at the back of my eyes.
"So… depressing."
My skin seeped in the chill of His.
"So… alone."
His black eyes grew cold, and I tried to keep myself from whimpering, from falling to the floor and clutching at His kimono.
I was trying so hard not to fall to my knees.
"Do not misunderstand, Yuki." His voice was cold, an icicle tracing the raw edges of my internal wounds.
"Do not misunderstand, you are unwanted. Unwanted, and unneeded."
Familiar moisture stung at my nose and I tried to keep my tears in the back of my eyes.
"I am the only one who cares." He said softly, "I am the only one who can handle you."
My arms tightened around my aching stomach—
I… I want to throw up…
I want to throw up His words.
"If you open up to anyone else, they will push you away." He promised me in silent misery, "They will abandon you. He will abandon you."
My lungs seized and I parted my lips in desperate attempt to breathe—
But there was no clean air here.
There was no clean air here…
The cold seeped into my lungs as I inhaled His promise, and my lungs quivered achingly in protest.
"He will abandon you, Yuki." His cold fingertips slid across my eyelashes… but I didn't dare to blink, in fear that my tears would overflow.
My vision blurred through the moisture of my tears, but I held it in… I tried to hold it in…
But He was pushing me out.
"I am protecting you, Yuki." He cooed gently, "I am protecting you from yourself."
Don't… abandon me.
"In the end, all you will have… will be me." He ran His thumb underneath my tearing eyes and drew His lips close to my ear, and I felt His cold breath cascade against my shivering skin.
"Everyone will abandon you."
I didn't realise that I was hunching until all I could see was the shadowed floor.
My arms were curled around my stomach, as if my waist would slide off my hips if I let go.
As if I would separate if I let go.
Would it hurt… if I separated?
Would it hurt… if I let His words slice me into two?
Would it hurt… more then having him abandon me?
"Do not misunderstand." His voice soothed into the black abyss of my existence. The vast void of my corrupt depression. The vacant chasm of my wallowing misery.
No…
Nothing could hurt more then that.
I will not misunderstand.
Not anymore.
The moisture swelled in my eyes, and a single tear welled up and slid over the rim, clinging to my eyelash before falling away from me.
I unravelled my arms from around my waist…
And I separated into two.
-End-
AN-fwaa I've finally brought Akito in.
Please, !Review!
