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Favorite Story Segments

"The Quest of the Chosen One" by BigBadWolfTardis

All across the beautiful world named Planet Earth; all sorts of legends were told about the mysterious creatures known as Pokémon. Some of them were purely fictional, but some of them weren't, and the hidden, preciously known one referring to a place called the Hall of Origin certainly wasn't. It was a dimension high above the Earth, it was the great creator's own dimension, it was the home of Arceus.

Arceus is said to have hatched from an egg cast out of another reality, and when it hatched to find itself in a dimension void of matter, it wanted company, and so brought five more life forms into existence. He used his own will to force various gifts onto his creations, and shaped them into a living creature he saw fit. The end reason was five creature similar to himself, yet different. He gave them all their own name, and title.

Dialga, Ruler of Time.

Palkia, Ruler of Space.

Giratina, Ruler of Matter

Zekrom, Ruler of Darkness

Reshiram, Ruler of Light

He himself took the name Arceus, Ruler of All. But he wasn't power hungry and evil; he wanted to live in a universe of happiness, filled to the brim with beauty and life. And so he created something new. A burning of heat and light. He named it, the sun. He then realised that no of his creations had anything to live on and so he brought into existence many various elements. He thought of more and more, and eventually they mixed and exploded around everywhere, until stars and moons and planets formed, but they were all empty.

And so he chose one of the planets, the third from the sun so that it wouldn't burn anything he made there, but would still fill its warmth. He landed on the empty planet and willed three more creatures into life. They would be strong enough to shape a planet, but not enough to pose a threat to him. The first formed a large cloudy atmosphere using the elemental gases around the planet to live in and keep the planet save. The second roared loudly and caused huge landmass all around the planet to rise up. The third didn't like this, so it responded by causing huge storms to break out and flooded the planet with one of Arceus basic elements, water. It flowed around the crevasses left by the second life form and formed huge seas.

Sensing there would be everlasting conflict, Arceus decided to separate them by sealing them away into slumbering statues, and buried them in the land and sea they had respectively created. He then asked the first life form to keep them in balance forever. He granted all three of them titles and names of their own.

Rayquaza, Creator of the Sky

Groudon, Creator of the Land

Kyogre, Creator of the Sea

But some of his first creations didn't like this. They were happy being the only life forms in existence, and wanted Arceus to stop before he created anything else, but wanting a universe where many could live in happiness and joy, Arceus refused. Three of the original five turned on him, whilst Dialga and Palkia remained faithful. Arceus effortlessly defeated the three traitors, and punished them severely for their betrayal. He trapped Giratina in a pocket dimension, where without Dialga and Palkia's influence, Time would be warped and Space would be unstable. It was the ultimate prison where the rules of his new reality wouldn't apply. Zekrom and Reshiram were transformed into small rounded stones, Reshiram a pure white stone, and Zekrom a jet black one. As gifts for their loyalty, Arceus granted Dialga and Palkia their own private pocket dimensions in which they could control everything, with the ability to return to his dimension whenever they wished to visit.

He then turned back to the planet he was shaping. He wanted his creations to feel more than anything he had created so far could. He wanted them to experience love, happiness, excitement, but also sadness, loss, and pain to keep them pure. He wanted them to be able to care for themselves and others, and to have the knowledge to do this. He also wanted them to have not only free will, but the will to do anything they set their minds too. And so he brought three more beings into existence. He spaced them out over one of the continents Groudon had created, sealing them in lakes created by Kyogre. Once again, he gave them names.

Mesprit, Spirit of Emotions

Azelf, Spirit of Will Power

Uxie, Spirit of Knowledge

So far every creature that Arceus had created had been unique, but he wanted to help the planet move along quicker, and so to aid in this, he brought a whole new species of creation into being. He divided them into two, and gave them two different gender types. He had made it so that their biology allowed them to reproduce, and eventually small tribes known as Human Being began to form.

But knowing that his humans would not be able to stand up to his other creations, Arceus quickly made new creatures and blessed them with strong powers to protect humans and their follow kind alike. He modelled them on Rayquaza, Groudon, and Kyogre, but thanks to the influence of Mesprit, Azelf, an Uxie, they remained in harmony with each other.

Ho-oh, Guardian of the Sky

Lugia, Guardian of the Sea

Regigigas, Guardian of the land

But Arceus known that this would be a difficult task for the three of them to maintain balance across the entire planet alone, and so he granted them three Titians each to do their bidding and to watch other humanity as it evolved. He granted Ho-oh three creatures similar yet less complex in design to itself that would keep it updated on the happenings on the land.

Entei, the Beast of Volcanos

Suicune, the Beast of Wind

Raikou, the Beast of Thunder

Lugia, who stayed beneath the water and swan in its currents needed a way to stay inn communication with Ho-oh, and so was granted three creators which could do this for him.

Zapdos, the Titan of Lightning

Moltres, the Titan of Fire

Articuno, the Titan of Ice

And Regigigas needed scouts to be situated far away from him, and to keep at least one of the other continents inn balance whilst he did the same for the homeland. And so Arceus created him three Regis, forming them from three basic elements.

Regirock, the Regi of Rock

Registeel, the Regi of Steel

Regice, the Regi of Ice

Arceus was tiring now, he had created some much in a rapid amount of time, and so before he slept, he created two final beings to do his bidding. One to fill the planet with hundreds of different, yet less powerfully creatures, the other to cover the world in vegetation to protect its beauty.

Mew, the Ancestor of Life

Shaymin, the Founder of Nature

Using the last of his energy, Arceus created a dimension high above his masterpiece of a planet, before he fell into a sleep that lasted many thousands of years.

But some say that he never stopped watching his world, even whilst in slumber, and that he was joyed by the happiness that all life felt there.

Sinnoh Revamped by Analon

"In the beginning, there was only

A churning turmoil of Chaos

At the heart of chaos, where all things became one, appeared an egg.

Having tumbled from the vortex, the

Egg gave rise to the Original One.

He was called Arceus, the first Pokémon.

Two beings of time and space set free from the Original One

Dialga, Ruler of time,

And Palkia, who ruled space.

Time started to spin, and Space began to expand

The two beings wished, and from them,

Matter came to be.

Another being then came to be,

Called Giratina of the reverse world.

To make this world an abode

For beings aplenty,

To help and advice these beings

And guard life itself,

With a large part of His powers

The Queen of Existence was created.

To be the Mother of Life,

And the world He created.

She was called Mew.

From itself again, three living things

The Original One did make.

Uxie, the embodiment of knowledge,

Mesprit, being of emotions,

And Azelf, bearer of willpower.

The three living things wished, and

from them, spirit came to be.

Arceus looked upon the world

And saw it incomplete.

To shape a planet to host this life

He made beings numbering three.

They were Groudon, Master of land

Kyogre, to rule the sea,

And Rayquaza, Lord of the sky.

Ho-Oh was made to guard the skies,

With Lugia, to guard the ocean vast.

In turn, to help them, they created beings numbering three.

Ho-Oh made three beasts by its power

Entei, the King of Fire,

Suicune, bearer of the frigid winds of north

And Raikou, the Legend of Thunder.

To balance nature, Lugia too, set an onset of creation

Articuno, of the icy winter

Zapados, harbinger of storms

And Moltress, the heat of summer.

Regigigias was then created

To scatter and spread the lands.

It in turn split its power

Among legendary golems three

From clay, ice and magma, in its image,

Were these three golems made.

Regirock to shape the rocky land,

Regice to form the icy land,

And Registeel to enrich these lands

Arceus looked upon this Earth, and saw it barren, devoid of life

He thus made Shaymin and hence created the essence of forest life,

And to protect its beauty through the trials of time,

Celebi came to be.

Heatran was made to assist Groudon

To spread warmth across the land

Manaphy, the Prince of the sea kept Kyogre company

With Phione, who, again, was the daughter of Manaphy.

To guard the lands which the seas surround

The eon dragons were made

Guardians of the Lands of Water

They were Latias and Latios.

Darkrai and Cresselia, the Lunar Duo

kept watch over the night

and with their power these beings wove

images of comfort and dread.

Jirachi, the spirit of ambitions

Had the power to fulfill desires

He then called upon all the beings He created

And asked of them to protect this world and beings that come belated.

He gave them the strength to communicate their thoughts unhindered,

For they could now speak, the language of mind was created.

A Fire, as bright as He Himself was now formed by His wishes

He passed it to Mew, and told her to keep it alighted.

'This is my Light, it will lead the world, for now I must now go to sleep

Warriors shall wield it and peace it shall keep.

This is my Aura, and it will balance this earth that you see

And one that wields it, human born, will be my legacy.

Worthy souls shall wield it, and they shall teach the rest,

The way of Aura, the power that lies within all that be.

The ones guarding the power of Aura, shall help you with your quest,

And if this world ever falls in danger, awaken me from my rest.'

With these words, The Original One made an abode for Himself

Trusting the world and his children upon the guardians thirty three"

Conquerors the Rise by JoeTheHighlord that i think is a good explanation of the Haloverse tech

Energy Shielding: A form of shielding utilizing highly energized particles. From personal to titanic ship shields, Energy Shields are capable of blocking any type of attack, although direct energy weapons tend to cause them to fail much more rapidly. Energy Shields were one of the many advancements the Covenant held over Humanity in the Great War and allowed for extreme naval dominance. While there were examples of energy shielding by humans prior to the war's end at 2553 full scale ship shields had yet to appear, however quickly following the war's conclusion and the UNSC's recovery energy shielding was made mandatory upon every ship. Enveloping the entire being, vessel, or machine they protect Energy Shields, despite popular belief, are always present. They do however remain invisible to the eye, and only appear when they are deflecting or absorbing attacks. The UNSC keeps a tight restriction on the manufacture of Energy Shielding and the purchase of anything above small vehicle grade is highly regulated and monitored.

Slipspace Drives: Allowing interstellar travel by creating a portal to the alternate dimension "Slipspace", these Drives are the single most important technological marvel for all of the species of the NSA. Truly only discovered by humanity, as the rest had the Prophets give them slipspace travel, humans and Huragoks remain by and large the only professionals of Slipspace travel. That said, their Shaw-Fujikawa Drives were much less precise than the covenant's engines and only after the integration of the Covenant species did the Slipspace drives grow more advanced. Utilizing particle accelerators the current Slipspace drives allow travel by creating a microscopic black hole that lasts for nanoseconds, before that the engine manipulates them into creating the gate that allows travel into Slipspace. Little is known or understood about the odd realm of slipspace, but its alternate properties to real space allow much simpler travel than conventional engines, imagine a three hour journey taking as little as milliseconds! This and more Slipspace allows.

Slipstream Space: The technical term for the seven alternate dimensions that allow travel via Slipspace drives. Drives open a gate to Slipspace in real space, enter slipstream for the duration of their journey, and are then expelled when they reach their destinations. What one sees and feels during a journey through slipspace varies, but generally travelers report feelings of loneliness, depression, and an acute sensation of cold despite being in well heated environments. Slipspace looks either black as midnight or a dull grey depending on the being.

Armor: The plating and protection of your vessels will vary, but there are three different types. First there is human made Titanium-A3 armor plating. This type of armor is generally the second strongest, with humanity putting a heavy focus on armor as they didn't have shields. Its strength will vary depending on its thickness but frigates can generally only handle several pulse laser or plasma turret blasts before they are ruptured, destroyers can take much more of the previous fire and even a plasma torpedo, Cruisers and carriers vary wildly, but you can expect them to take up to three torpedoes and plenty of pulse lasers. Remember, everything depends on where you are hit; attacks on your relatively unarmored engines will punch through your armor quickly, while attacks on your armored bulk of a stern will be repelled with ease.

Covenant Armor: Covenant designed vessels tend be much less armored and are among the least armored vessels in the UNSC. Their design philosophy puts emphasis more on the power of their shields then the strength of their armor, once the shields are down UNSC weapons can destroy covenant ships with relative ease. Try to keep Covenant vessels behind your more armored human and Forerunner designed ships, keep a good eye on their shield levels and whenever they reach critical levels pull them back!

Forerunner Alloy: the newest type of armor discovered by UNSC scientists in 2632, very few vessels have this incredibly thick and resilient armor. You can expect your flagship and carriers to have this armor and be glad for that: Forerunner armor is nigh indestructible! Expect your ships armored with Forerunner plating to be able to withstand at least six plasma torpedoes and even several seconds of a concentrated Energy Projector blast (a previously unheard of feat). However remember: this alloy is not invulnerable and it will be breached eventually! While few ships currently have Forerunner Plating at the current rate of production of the Alloys and the refitting of ships it is expected that all UNSC vessels will have the plating within the next two decades.

Energy Shielding: You know what energy shields are right? The blue or orange hexagons that appear around a ship when its hit? Well Energy Shielding is by far the most integral advancement in defensive technologies discovered by any species thus far. With the capabilities of deflecting any type of attack Energy Shields are mandatory on all vessels, armor, and infantry units in the UNSC and CDF. Your ships will have the most recent types of Energy Shield emitters: E Shields MK5. These shields, while far from invincible, utilizing Forerunner designed emitters these shields, depending on vessel types, can withstand multiple plasma torpedoes going as far as Super Carriers being able to withstand sixteen plasma torpedoes if charged at full strength. As a previous vessel OC you should understand that battle should never commence unless energy shields are at full charge, remember DEW weapons have the ability to almost instantly shatter shields utilize this if your enemy has a particularly powerfully shielded ship. It is important to note, though you probably already know, that Shields must be dropped across a small section of the ship in order to fire its weapons, this is usually only a small opening and is automated by the Dumb AIs aboard your ship.

Naval Armaments: Your future vessels have many different armaments, and, depending on your background, you may not know the full extent of their abilities or the tactics you should utilize when using them. There are three types of weaponry used by the UNSC: Kinetic based weapons, plasma based weapons, and direct energy weapons.

Kinetic Weapons

Basics: You may be thinking: what is the relevance of Kinetic weapons? Aren't Plasma weapons and DEWs highly superior? Well in a way you'd be right, but at the same time you'd be wrong. While it is true that plasma and DEWs may be superior in regards to efficiency and sheer power (as Kinetic weapons require plenty of ammunition) they are inferior in cost efficiency and energy usage. Both plasma and DEWs require large amounts of energy to operate and fire, in the Great War only the Covenant's Capital ships were able to reliably fire energy projectors at a constant rate, kinetic weapons on the other hand such as the Magnetic Accelerator Cannon use comparatively lower energy amounts. This coupled with shielding from EMP pulses and the diversity of Kinetic weapons keeps them prominent among the UNSC fleet, and by extension, your Battle Groups.

MAC: The MAC or Magnetic Accelerator Cannon is a kinetic weapon used by humanity prior to and during the Great War. Similar to rail guns, MACs use superconductors to energize dozens of coils surrounding a barrel to launch rounds of varying size forward at varying speeds. MACs were the sole weapons of the UNSC that were able to quickly penetrate the shields of the Covenant during the Great War. There are many different types of MACs and they have evolved greatly since the end of the Great War.

Missiles: The missile payload of the UNSC vary, but a key change since the Great War is their plasma coated warheads, allowing easier breaching of shields and armor. All told Archer, Rapier, and Howler missile pods can be found on your ships. Non-nuclear missiles by the UNSC are one of the Kinetic types of weaponry that are fading from use. Their inability to pierce Energy Shields and the ease that point defense systems have of taking them down make their use against naval vessels pointless unless used in massive quantities. Generally fired in pods of twenty to thirty missiles, they also come in the oversized varieties which fire forty to sixty missiles. Oversized missile pods are only found on destroyers, cruisers, and capital ships. Dumb AI guidance systems and plasma coated warheads have boasted their life within the UNSC, but weapons such as the pulse lasers, plasma turrets, or Spartan lasers are simply more effective than the variety of missiles. However, it should be noted that the missiles aboard your ships require very little of your ships energy to fire, and against unshielded or large enemy vessels they still remain a viable option.

Nuclear Ordinance: While the missiles of the UNSC already discussed are indeed nuclear, the payload of their blasts are very minor compared to that of the dedicated ship to ship warfare missiles and mines. Shiva Class missiles are the most used in ship to ship warfare with the Covenant remnant, with the ability to destroy dozens of ships in the nuclear blast; they were used in only the direst circumstance by the UNSC during the Great War, often as a final measure. HAVOK tactical Nuclear weapons are deployed and used more often in planetary campaigns than ship to ship warfare, with a thirty megaton yield they generally are deployed as sabotage by ODST, Ranger, Spartan, or Spec Ops units. Hornet nuclear weapons are deployed as mines by UNSC prowlers with active camouflage and stealth systems to hide from the enemy until it is too late. Hornets also have a yield of thirty megatons. Overall, Nuclear ordinance is less effective than the Covenants Anti-matter weaponry (only seven percent of the fissionable material in the UNSCs nuclear weapons are explosive compared to the hundred percent of Anti-Matter weapons) but they are much more stable and cheaper than the Anti-Matter variant.

Onager Mass Drivers: Similar in functionality of the larger MACs, the mass drivers aboard your vessels are designed to be used in broadside functionality, with all of them firing at once at a single target. Best used against already unshielded targets, the onagers are relatively ineffective against shields, but tear through armor with ease. These weapons should be used at "knife" fighting range with the enemy, or to fend of enemy fighter craft. These are again a new addition to the UNSC, and have only been added due to the energy available with new power sources.

Rail Guns: Rail guns are a weaker variation of the MAC, only recently being experimented by the UNSC. These guns theoretically are meant to replace the MACs as they allow comparatively weaker rounds to be fired in quick succession. Currently they are only employed upon the starboard and port sides of destroyers as a variant of the onagers, albeit a much more powerful version. At the very least it is expected these guns will replace the onager mass drivers as destroyer captains report that their vessels have a much higher kill rate with rail guns. Powered using an electric motor a current travels through a positive rail, through the projectile, and down the negative rail creating a complete circuit. This launches the projectile forward at incredible speeds and results in devastating damage. However, due to their habit to cause wear and tear on the rails of the gun after repeated firing they are unreliable, and could cause damage to ships if they malfunction. Coupled with heavy power requirements and unreliability rail guns are still a long way to go before they replace the venerable MACs.

Plasma Weaponry

Basics: Plasma weaponry was exclusively used by the Covenant during the Great War, coupling with their shielding technology this allowed them to demolish the UNSC in almost every naval engagement even in a three to one ratio against them. Plasma is a partially ionized gas in which a small portion of its atoms are free of an atomic orbit, this allows Plasma to have properties unlike any of the other three states of matter, making plasma the fourth. It is usually naturally found is sources of great heat, such as stars. Plasma has a heat of three thousand and five hundred degrees centigrade, to put that into perspective the surface of a standard star is five thousand five hundred degrees centigrade. Highly power taxing to utilize, plasma weaponry is very effective against shields, and has the ability to cut through lightly armored ships like butter. Utilized either by Plasma Torpedoes or Energy Projectors, plasma weapons can be terrifying to behold, but remember: they have very high energy costs and recharge rates compared to other weapons! Above all remember: your ships are most vulnerable right before Plasma weaponry fires, for not only are a small portion of your shields down, but if your weapons are hit they will release all of the energy they've collected, inside your ships.

Plasma Torpedoes: The more common type of plasma weaponry, these torpedoes fired from Plasma Turrets are magnetically contained plasma that can cause massive destruction to a ship. Plasma Torpedoes should be noted to cause a significant drain on a ships power production, and can only fire two or three torpedoes at a time before a significant cool down period occurs. Of course, this is relative to the size of the ship, as a frigate cannot even come close to matching to the power output of a ship like an Assault Carrier. Your best use of plasma torpedoes is at long range volleys; remember that your main enemy, the covenant remnant, has weak armor as such launch volleys with about three torpedoes per ship, two for the destruction of the ship, and a third for the energy shields (this is dependent on ship class, but for the more common ships like frigates and cruisers this should be enough). When plasma weapons are used against your remember that they are nigh impossible to avoid, your best bet would either be to intercept shots for your smaller ships with your larger more powerful ships, or keep your smaller ships in the rear at long distance engagements.

Energy Projectors: These terrifying weapons have changed little since the conclusion of the Great War. Firing a thin stream of energized atoms, energy projectors have the capability of causing wanton destruction to enemy ships and planets alike. In naval combat they have a theoretically infinite range, but practically they can only be fired with reliable accuracy at one hundred and fifty thousand kilometers, however the speed their shots nearing that of the speed of light they are literally impossible to evade. These behemoths are a massive drain on your ships power production and can only be fired for a short period before they recharge, however, during that duration they have the capability of cutting through shields and armor alike like butter, sometimes utterly decimating entire ships. Most ships within the UNSC have been fitted to have at least one energy projector on them (for use in need of glassing), but you should make a habit of using them on the smaller ships as only a last resort, as it can cause smaller vessels like frigates to lose a large percentage of their engine momentum and their shield strength. Like MACs, your energy projectors should be used at long distances to annihilate enemy capital ships before the battle can start, with the ability to tear through multiple ships make sure you line up shots in expectation to hit two ships. If an energy projector is present among the enemy fleet make a priority of targeting and destroying that ship first; it will be the most dangerous. Finally, the power of energy projectors in glassing must be discussed. You may have varying opinion on the morality of destroying a large percentage, or even an entire planet through the process of glassing, but remember it is only used in the direst of circumstance: a flood outbreak.

Direct Energy Weapons

"It's not overpowered; it's an elegant weapon from a more civilized age,"

Basics: Direct energy weapons, or DEWs, vary in the UNSC. From point defense systems and long range capital ship super weapons they have the possibility to be the most versatile weapons in the UNSC arsenals. As of now direct energy weapons are in their infancy and only through breakthrough discovered from Forerunner research are we beginning to understand them more. It is key to point out that your main DEW weapon, the energized light cannon (usually just called the DEW by naval personnel), is the single most energy taxing part of your ship, it may have the power of vivisecting remnant capital ships, but it can also leave you floundering without any other weapons to fire. There is one good thing that should be stated immediately: DEWs, as of now, are exclusive to the NSA. While the covenant remnant does have access to Pulse lasers, these cannot match the destructive power of our armaments. As with plasma weaponry it is important that you remember your ships are most vulnerable right as they fire, for the reasons stated before.

Spartan Laser Point Defense System: The Spartan laser point defense system is similar to the weapon utilized by the UNSC with its namesake, the Spartan Laser, (Model 6 Grindell/Galilean Nonlinear Rifle Point Defense System was considered abhorrently long by the UNSC). Albeit on a larger scale than their predecessor the point defense system operates largely in a similar way, after a charging period of about two seconds a high intensity red laser is emitted from the barrel and launches forward at near light speed to their target. Contrary to popular belief the laser is not a single continuous stream; rather it is many different bursts being fired so rapidly it gives the illusion of solidarity. These weapons surprisingly are the one of the most cost effective among the UNSC as their energy requirements are negated by their power, accuracy, and lack of ammunition as opposed to the aging fifty millimeter point defense weapons. It is important to remember these systems are not designed for ship-to-ship combat; instead they were designed for repelling smaller strike craft, boarding parties or missiles (although situations regarding the last option would have to be extraordinary). However, in extreme emergencies the powerful Spartan lasers can be used in lieu of other weapons as a last resort; just don't expect miracles from them.

Pulse Laser Defense Systems: Utilized mainly by covenant vessels, Pulse laser defense systems are similar to Spartan Laser systems, but are slightly less powerful and more of a drain on power. Like the Spartan lasers these defenses are strategically placed around your ships to maximize their ability to fight off enemy fighter craft and or missiles. These lasers, along with energy shielding, are the main reason missiles are slowly going out of favor with the UNSC; they are widespread throughout the covenant remnant and can pick off even the hundreds of missiles that are fired. Against shields they are largely ineffective, and while they can melt through the armor of ships it would take multiple salvos, and by that point it would be better to just buckle down and launch a plasma torpedo at the enemy ship.

The Energized Light Canon: This is the granddaddy of all the DEWs. Capable of instantly frying energy shields and cutting through multiple ships, the Energized light Canon (more simply called the DEW) is the ultimate anti capital ship weapon. The energized light Canon is the byproduct of Hardlight weapon research's infancy. We know we have only scratched the surface of Hardlight technology, but after viewing the DEW in action it IS hard to see why. Functioning similarly to energy projectors, but with light, the DEW hardens the individual photons of light together for a brief instant before tearing them apart on a microscopic scale; this releases an inordinate amount energy which should fry the entire weapon, if it wasn't for Hardlight shielding still ringing the entirety of the reaction chamber. After this initial stage is accomplished the still formed Hardlight herds the energy to the firing barrel where the remaining Hardlight is ripped apart, the resulting reaction causing the energy to fire forward through the barrel and into whatever poor sap the weapon's operator has targeted; the entire process takes only milliseconds. As you should be able to imagine the process is incredibly power taxing, and the entire weapon has to enter a cool down period of over five minutes to recharge and release excess heat and energy. These weapons are your most powerful asset, and while present on almost every UNSC ship, only cruisers and above should fire them unless it is an emergency. This is your ultimate weapon, use it conservatively, and remember that no shielding that we or the remnant possesses can protect from DEW's might.

Man Law

1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friends home.)

5. Short-shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler. This is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

13. When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey... who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours?

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl... however the hot girl has an ugly friend... it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper-rock-scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:

If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride, unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye-to-eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to ensure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting girls does not count… rule is an exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girl's pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a pirate should be considered a manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice. No need to say "I'm Sorry".

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated, refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)

30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man Status and its privileges, and will result in the title 'Manbitch'.

31. Every man should watch Sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight, seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used if said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an UFC cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime, and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.

33. If a woman is present, whether family or friend, no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as: Mother's Day, birthdays, or St. Patrick's Day... or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from 'Man' to 'Manbitch' and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of 'Manbitch' from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly... and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war, they are your countrymen fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years' past.

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play. When leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parents' house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman, "Do you like this?" And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important than talking.

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game, shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your Man Status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be stacked or crushed, while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (Except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guys' night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race where the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want," gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from others by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done, but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable. Any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal. Exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. Exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler... ever... unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item, trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "Down in Tijuana," "One time when we were all piss drunk," or "And this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw."

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination. Beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own -grill, car, firstborn child- within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional.)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.

112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole-to-hole or pole-to-pole are only acceptable. If it is pole-to-pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary, resulting immediate demotion in man status.

113. If you truly want to win me over one must prolapse my anus and proceed to milk me like an utter with yard gloves covered in 50 grit sand paper while reaching around and stroking my micro pene with a handful of shattered glass.

The Situation in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing
when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't
always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to
administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To
Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the
majority and do nothing.

A tale of God

A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?

If you believe in God and Jesus Christ his Son then copy and paste this in your profile.