Updated 1.25.07

This account is used for reviews only. I have many stories posted here; however, since I do not want retribution flames for any con-crit that I leave, my stories are under a separate author name. I have never and will never check the email associated with this name, so don't bother review-replying or PMing.

.~.Rham's Reasoning.~.

So, there I am perusing through the Pit, looking for sporking material (i.e. every other fic in 'the Lord of the Rings' section), when I come across a troll. When I click on the reviews and start scanning them, I see something very...familiar. Someone left a rather large paragraph review and smack in the middle of it are two of my best troll review lines. Verbatim.

Hm.

So, at first, I get a little irritated. I mean--to plagiarize a review? What's this site coming to? (Of course, to answer that, I just have to randomly click on a handful of stories in the anime section). But then after the whole 'That bitch stole my best lines!', I realize I'm flattered. That bitch stole my best lines!

Hot damn! They must be worth something.

.~.Rham's Roll Call.~.

So many sad little emos, so little time. So, as of today, I have a whopping 16 bio pages dedicated to little ol' me. For the worst of the worst, please visit this little girl's. (And be prepared to leave your spelling and grammar at the door. Otherwise, it could get very, very hurt). You see, she 'useu' her 'IMAGINATION' (I don't know why she screamed it at me, but--emos...what can you do?) to combat my 'concieded' view that her original story didn't belong in the 'We Will Rock You' Section. I guess it was bad of me to take offense and report her for saying all the WWRY fans could 'go die' if they didn't like it.

How many times are these tweenies going to point out that I don't have my PMs enabled? It's really a 'no shit, Sherlock' kind of revelation, tween-mos. If I don't want to read your atrocious grammar and chat-speak in a story, why in the world would I want to read it in a PM?

.~. Rham's Rampage.~.

.~. .~.I was also lucky enough to stumble cross this...interesting tween. She posted a story that had a lovely little rape scene in which the victim was squeeing in delight at 'how much he kinda liked it' (because we all know how much people enjoy being raped). Said author was posting such a lovely interpretation of an egregious violation of one's body and soul to...get those pages and pages of 'ZOMG11!!!!!! rape iz soooo kewl111!!!!11 kawaii rape111!!!!!' reviews. When she instead received ones that not only tried to set her straight, but also gave her valid con-crit on her atrocious grammar, said author had a spastastical meltdown in the form on an author's note (addressed to 'those twats' who had 'flamed' her). The best part was when she called the two rape victims who left reviews telling her how wrong she had it 'liars' and all-out attacked them.

This author has since deleted the story and changed her name out of embarrassment. She also is acting like she never posted that offensive piece of garbage. She did forget, though, that no matter how many times you change your penname, your URL stays the same.

Genius.

Exciting addendum: Said tweenster has since dedicated her entire bio page to little ol' moi (making that a grand total of sixteen--go me). In it, she claims all is well because one of the rape victims who left a review has made her see the light. Gee--I thought it was the dozen or so flames burning her into oblivion that made her delete the atrocity.

Silly me.

.~. Rham's Roster of the Worst Mary-Sues in the Pit .~.

COMING SOON!

.~. Rham's Ramblings.~.

.~.I've just come across this gem on a fic that I reviewed:

"Ok kid, I'ma give ya some advices for this story! Ok to start things off...

1st: PLEASE, USE A SPELL-CHECK, EVEN IF IT'S BETA! Y'got many grammar errors, so please revise each chapter you make!

2nd: Make chapters longer, so authors gain taste to read this!

Well, this is pretty much what I'm advising you to do! And Rhamnousia, I haven't seen ONE single flame here (besides Key18, which is considered a review) that can help kingdom nice, except motherfuckin' flames comin' from ya and another freak 'round here! Leave this kid alone, who tha fuck are you to write what you write on ya flames?

Look, a job of a flamer is to encourage an author to make his story, but to re-arrange it! You're actually makin' this kid quit wit' tha fic! Look, I'm goin' tha keep on helpin' ya out kingdom nice, as much as difficult it will be! So, stay kool and keep it up!

Yami Alter Shead, Street Hustler
East Side Dawgs"

I don't think my spleen is still intact after my laughing fit. Here was my response on Yami's boards:

“And Rhamnousia, I haven't seen ONE single flame here (besides Key18, which is considered a review) that can help kingdom nice, except motherfuckin' flames comin' from ya and another freak 'round here!”

I’m sorry—I don’t speak 'trailer park Gwen Stefani ghetto wannabe'. Can you translate for me, please?

“Leave this kid alone, who tha fuck are you to write what you write on ya flames?”

Well, let’s see—unlike you, I have above a second grade education and am not doomed to marry my first cousin. You’re thirteen, sweet pea. Go back inside because you’re not ready to play with the big kids, yet.

”Look, a job of a flamer is to encourage an author to make his story, but to re-arrange it! “

Ummm…. Perhaps this definition pulled from Wikipedia will help clear your delusion:

'Flaming is the act of sending or posting messages that are deliberately hostile and insulting, usually in the social context of a discussion board on the Internet.’

"You're actually makin' this kid quit wit' tha fic”

Uh, Houston? Mission accomplished!

Now, normally I don’t respond to little girls and boys like you, but occasionally I like to watch you tweenagers have one of your little flame meltdowns, so here I am. For half a second I actually thought you might be bright enough to block me, but then I realized that you’re probably only operating with one or two of those inbred brain cells. Well, now, seeing as how that brought a smile to my face, I think I’ll post this to a few more of your ‘stories’.

~R.

What was most comical to me, though, was the 'East Side Dawgs'. So...apparently in their spare time, gang members peruse fan fiction and write reviews? Hm...never saw that on 'Court TV'...

.~.So, I’ve been made aware of some group here calling themselves the “Knights of Fan Fiction” whose mission it is to coddle noobs everywhere and “pwotect them fwom big meanies”. Basically it’s comprised of a thirty-year-old guy and his preteen minions whom he makes feel important by bestowing titles like “Lieutenant” or “Commander” on or, as Billy Bob Thorton would say in “Bad Santa,”: “Chief, or Bub, or whatever the fuck”.

I had the most entertaining time on here reading through their forum. I highly suggest doing so if you’re ever bored. It beats anything on TV (well, at the very least, basic cable). You have people experiencing complete meltdowns, people leaving, flaming, coming back, then leaving again. You have twelve year olds posting things just so they can see the word “Lieutenant” next to their name. On top of that, you get a healthy dose of chat-speak, sheer stupidity, and grammar bad enough to give a troll’s a run for their money. I mean, I couldn’t dream this shit up. Reading that beats shredding some prepubescent fanbrat’s Lego-antasy hands down.

Thanks for pointing them out, Ads. They were most entertaining. But now, it appears as if more dumb-fucks have found themselves above the rules of the site once again and have decided to post their wannabe-anime drivel in "The Producers" section.

.~. Rham's Hall of Shame .~.

The following users have been told repeatedly by different reviewers to delete their stories because they are ORIGINAL and not FAN FICTION. These users have left their stories up, purposefully and willfully, violating the TOS. They believe they are special and better than the rest of us, and that the site's rules do not apply to them. They have no concern that the amount of unnecessary clutter their stories cause are contributing to clogging up the site and causing the rest of us problems. Fictionpress was created to alleviate the problems caused by the influx of original work so that this site could function better.

To date: 113 Rham-reviewed/reported original stories removed from the site.

As of Sunday, January 7th: These are in dire need of updating. I will get around to it eventually. The tweenage roaches using FFnet as their own little blog just keep coming out of the woodwork...

lauren writes for fun for 'The Walls Were White' posted in: 'We Will Rock You'

This is an overly dramatic emo-tastic look into an abused girl's life or something (I couldn't get through the first half without laughing, so I couldn't finish it) with such fantastic lines as 'If you ever pull something like that again I'll have you sent out for adoption.' Sent out for adoption? Like...sending out for pizza? It sounds like he's sending the kid to the dentist's office. 'If you don't shut up about your emo life, I'm gonna send you out to get a root canal! And then for adoption!!!'

DOCLI for 'forbidden' also posted in 'WWRY'

I have no idea what the story's about (other than it has nothing to do with WWRY). I couldn't stop laughing hard enough to read it after seeing this on the 'author's' bio page: I just wnated to post my story to get some comments on it, to see how people will respond to my writing. I'm sure this story will catch your attention, so if you intrested take a look, and leave a review. Thank you. and please do not try to copy any part of my story because you will be charged..it is a copyright. I really am half-tempted to copy this to see what I get 'charged' with. First degree murder of the English language? Voluntary manslaughter of spelling? Felony assault to punctuation?

dreamerswaking

gina101

jenni0889 (although she did finally remove one)

kita09

loneriver

loshana

ScarsLikeLace

stjimmy108 (the most egregious offender—see the note below as to why)

superchick00007

sweetsluvr (who gets the ‘Emo of the Week’ award for her rant in the Miscellaneous Books category entitled ‘God damn you eric’ sic about how her boyfriend dumped her ).

Here is the ‘story’ st.jimmy108 posted under the Musicals/Plays Category after people left her CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM (not flames—believe me they were a hell of a lot nicer than I would have been) when reviewing her God-awful MASH fic:

‘Ok. Here’s the deal: that was one of my first stories ever wrote. I didn’t know a lot then AND NO DUMBASS COMMENTS! Hey, I could be writing a green day story, but u dumb fuckers are probably green day haters anyway. If u think I am bad, go to this is my first time using this, so I can write more bad stories. So unless u want green day stories or worse, I suggest that if u don’t like my stories, then don’t read them. No one was asking for your goddamn opinion! No one says you HAVE to rate. I don’t give a damn. If I get one more bad e-mail then I am starting a green day story. And I don’t care if there is no category for green day, I will put it in anyone that I feel like’.

The poor readers of the Musicals/Plays category were caught in the crossfire when she dumped the above in it. She has then proceeded to post the aforementioned story as well as several other non-fan fic shit throughout the entire Miscellaneous Section.

Kudos go to Shadarem X for removing his non-fan fic pieces. Sorry for the harshness of the reviews, but most of us are tired of seeing twenty out of twenty-two stories in a category that have nothing to do with our fandom. (And please—if it was me you were talking about as far as not mentioning my username for my ‘safety’, don’t worry. One—if I cared about what other people think, I wouldn’t have left a signed review—which I ALWAYS do, and two—what….is someone going to hunt me down and take me out because I left a not-so-nice, blunt review?). Once again, thanks for posting on Fictionpress. I may even go there to peruse your work (in a good way).

This is just a list of pet-peeves I’ve acquired after perusing several fics and also having the experience of writing them for many years. I do have an undergraduate degree in literature as well as a graduate degree, so I believe I have some basis to bolster my views.

Grammar:

.~. The misuse of ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. You’re = You are. Your = possession (e.g. your story)

.~. The misuse of 'it's' and 'its'. It's = it is. Its = possession (e.g. its eyes)

.~. The following spelling mistakes: "sequal" (wrong) instead of "sequel" (right); "definately" instead of "definitely"; "recieve" instead of "receive"

.~. Mangled quotations. “She wrote,” he informed. OR “She wrote.” He informed.

.~. Posting work littered with mistakes. It’s inexcusable not to proofread before posting.

Stories:

.~. Authors who litter a fandom with what they consider yet another clever parody of a Mary-Sue. Writing these tells me nothing more than you are too much of a coward to actually attempt a good, well-constructed original story.

.~. Authors who litter fandoms with original pieces that do not belong on this site.

.~. Authors who hold updates for ransom by demanded a set number of reviews.

.~. Fanbrats who think they can write because they have a keyboard in front of them. (as if simply picking up a scalpel suddenly makes one a renowned surgeon, or grabbing a spatula makes one a seasoned chef). Just because a person can type does not make him/her a writer.

Original Work Pet Peeve:

.~. Original stories do not belong here. That's why Fictionpressdotnet was created. Several once-good fandoms and categories are being ruined by the influx of banal teenage angst-driven drivel that belongs on MySpace and not here. I feel especially sorry for 'The Producers', 'CATS', 'WWRY', and 'Jesus Christ Superstar'. Since this is my biggest pet peeve at the moment, most of the harshest reviews I leave stem from that.