When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.

Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.

Chuck Norris has a stunt double. For crying scenes.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it is just afraid to move.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Some magicians can walk on water; Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris maintains a youthful appearance because time is afraid to age him.

Light just wishes it was as fast as one of Chuck's fists.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke...that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris went to the sun and spent two nights.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquify your kidney.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris burnt a fire proof vest...UNDERWATER!

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars films as THE FORCE.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice.

Chuck Norris once tried to join the military. However, there are rules against weapons of mass destruction.

The only thing written on Chuck Norris' passport is "It's me."

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.

If you see chuck Norris coming at you from the TV, it's not 3-D effects.

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent that would be laughing their butts off.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, zElDaPhAnToM-bLiNdBaNdIt-RaVeN, Firehawk, Rainfire, Snowfur, Firestar's Gal, Amberstar-Leader of SkyClan, Liza Taylor, fictionlover14, Saffire55, queen92a, Kaitie Kaye, anime-lover10, lindsey and marie enterprises, AlayaPhantom

If you have ever heard the voices of the characters of the book you're reading in your head...copy/paste this into your profile

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive seconds...copy/paste this into profile.

If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says "if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven."

90 percent of teens would have a breakdown if Miley Cyrus was standing on the edge of a six story building. Copy this into your profile if you're part of the 10 percent yelling JUMP!! and eating popcorn with fireworks ready :)

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

Just because we eat animals for food, doesn't mean we can cut them up for clothing! If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, ect, copy this onto your profile

If you claim to have no life and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bare bating, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery, etc.) then copy and paste this into your profile.

A large percent of authors do not know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you do know the difference, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever burned any sort of food in the microwave, oven, toaster, or on the stove, copy this into your profile.

Make a wish, and hope it happens...

If you talk back to the TV, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head against a desk for no reason copy this on your profile.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere)

On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD

Awesome girl comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put s and u together
Man: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Woman: Did it hurt when you were dropped on your head repeatedly as a baby?
Man: Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Woman: Really? I have the incredible urge to plant my foot up your butt.