Friends

FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella
BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN BITCH RUN!'

FRIENDS: Help you up when you fall down
BEST FRIENDS: Laugh and say, "Walk much, dumbass?"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS FRICKING AWSOME"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its because your gay isn't it?'

FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crappp!

DADDY”S RULES FOR DATING

Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for if you’re a guy)

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with you underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the courses of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier Method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and only word I need you to say on this subject is ‘early'.

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The Following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough too induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid-driff t shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shot gun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of our car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as a wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

If you are the type of girl that makes the devil go "oh crap, she's up!" when your feet hit the floor in the morning, copy and paste this.

I am worse than evil... I am the author!!

"If you ever get hugged by me, see yourself privaged."-liliedove

"Touch me, and the last thing you'll see is my ten pound, over loaded purse."-liliedove

When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!

NBC: No Body Cares.

Being a writer gives you the chance to be the dictator of your own imaginary world.

I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days.

I plead temporary insanity.

If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile

When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you’re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.

We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box

It's you and me versus the world... we attack at dawn.

Whoever said that nothing's impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

If you make a mistake, don't say 'Oops', say 'ah...interesting...'

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. -Demetri Martin

A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"

If you ever suffered from FanFiction withdraw copy this into your profile!

We take life seriously. But life's too short to take too seriously. That's where bouncy castles come in.

I like you, you shall be aloud to live another 7 minuties.

Let's do something daring! LET'S EAT FROZEN YOGURT!

Don't look at me with that tone of voice!

If we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

If darkness is bad, why does it hide you? If light is good, why does it blind you?

Be good, but if you can't manage that, then don't get caught.

I know it's the truth, I made it up myself.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus put this on your profile.

If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait a little bit longer

My smile does NOT confuse people! It merely warns them of their impending DOOM!

When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl...when you can't even do that...you find someone to carry you

I write about love, but I still don't think I know anything about it.

Oh noes! The plot bunnies are after me again!

Love knows no gender, age or color. If you totally agree with me, put this in your profile.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Hurray for the collapse of civilization!

I have a pencil and I'm not afraid to use it.

I’m lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I do visit reality, although it’s on a tourist visa.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you really done?

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the molecular level; I’m really quite busy.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

THAT'S IT! It's ON! Girl, hold mah shit!"

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say its expanding, then what is it expanding into?

You’re a BFF! A big fat fatty!

Girl1: How many licks does it take to get the center of a tootsie pop? Girl2: Well. It all depends on how you…Wait. Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?

People like you, are the reason people like me, need medication

...Oh...I didn't do as well as I thought I would on that quiz...I'll do better on our Finals...wait...what did you say?...THAT was our Finals Test? You mean...it wasn't just a quiz? ...Crap.

I may be a cruel heartless bastard…but I sure am good at it

Has anyone ever noticed that “studying”, is “student” and “dying” put together?

Dear Santa, I’m just writing to say that YES, I have been naughty this year. And I’m proud of it, you fat judgmental bastard.

Hold on, I can’t hear you! Let me turn down my AWESOMENESS.

Friends are like potatoes…if you eat them…they DIE

My friends are cooler than giraffes. And giraffes, they’re cool.

That which does not kill me, had better run pretty damn fast.

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile