"Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry."

"When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. - Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem."

"When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time."

"Almost anything is easier to get into than out of."

"The distance to the gate is inversely proportional to the time available to catch the flight."

"Those who are most moral are farthest from the problem."

"When all else fails, follow instructions."

"The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won' t get much sleep."

"Justice always prevails... three times out of seven."

"The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to thoroughly analyse all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp."

"The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area."

"Any system or problem, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated."

"When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly."

"Don't force it, get a larger hammer."

"Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood."

"If it should exist, it doesn't. If it does exist, it's out of date. Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws."

"Interchangeable parts won't."

"Always remember to pillage before you burn."

"Any simple idea must be worded in the most complicated way."

"In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it."

"On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it."

1. You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

"There are two classes of people: those who divide people into two classes, and those who don't."

"The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success."

"If all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail."

"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am."

"Whichever carousel you stand near, your baggage will arrive on another one."

"A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount."

"When you're up to your nose in it, keep your mouth shut."

"All people are cremated equal."

"Beauty times brains equals a constant."

"The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6. "

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

1. The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
2. Ignorance is no excuse.
3. Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.
4. Information which is true meets a great many different tests very well.
5. Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
6. An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
7. A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
8. A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
9. Most general statements are false, including this one.
10. An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
11. The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
12. If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
13. Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
14. Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
15. Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
16. Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
17. A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.

"Buttered bread tends to fall with the buttered side down."

"A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot."

"The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door."

"The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious."

"What you don't know will always hurt you."

"If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"You always find something in the last place you look."

"If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."

"The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."

"No armored car loaded with bags of money ever turned over and spilled its load in the street, in a good neighbourhood."

"Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office."

"Whenever a system becomes completely defined, someone discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition."

"It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses. If you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass."

"Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man."

1. The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
2. The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
3. All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
4. The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
5. Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
6. Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.

"Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers."

"When all else fails, read the instructions."

"A Smith and Wesson beats four aces."

"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."

"An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true."

"The only things that start on time are those that you're late for."

"Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong."

"In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours."

"When things are going well, something will go wrong."

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened."

"Hot glass looks the same as cold glass. "

"When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong."

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:

1. "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
2. "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
3. "I said it was a good idea all along."

"Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work."

"If you have something to do, and put it off long enough, chances are that someone else will do it for you."

"The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing."

"The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing."

"People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first."

1. A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.
2. A camel is a horse which was designed by a committee
3. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
4. A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.
5. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
6. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
7. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
8. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
9. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

"The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory."

"Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause."

"In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired."

"In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision."

"Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them."

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."

"There's always one more bug."

"Those with the best advice offer no advice."

"Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman."

"Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes."

"The higher the higher-ups'' are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee."