40 Things To Do On A Bus

1. Sing 99 bottles of beer on the Wall in Yiddish

2.Tell them how much you admire their shoes. Ask them if they are made of wool. Remark how much you love wool and what a versatile fabric it is. Move on to their pants. Ask if *they* are wool. Do this for every item of clothing they have on. Talk about wool a LOT.

3.Ask them what their name is. When they answer, say “Wow! That’s my name, too!” Five minutes later, ask them what their name is again. Say “OH YEAH…that’s right!” Do this every five minutes for the rest of the trip.

4. Tell them what beautiful eyes they have. Ask “Are they real?”

5. Ask them where their yellow hat is. Tell them that the last person you sat next to was wearing a yellow hat. Demand to know what happened to the hat. Make a sketch of the hat “for police records”. Ask if they happen to have a yellow crayon you could borrow.

6. When they are quiet say “I’m sorry…were you talking to me?” Ignore them when they try to speak to you.

7. Ask permission for everything you do, like, “Mind if I uncross my legs?” and “I was thinking of stretching my arm…is that okay with you?”

8. Annotate the bus trip as if you were an announcer at a sports event: “And we’re here at the Bonanza bus station, April fourth, 1995, a be-autiful spring morning…and we’re all ready to go. Phil is getting himself situated; that’s Phil the bus driver, who by the way, was looking pretty good this morning when I saw him practicing with the gas and brake pedals, so lets just hope that he can have a repeat performance, and I think we can all agree that would be just *super*. Okay, they’ve given the all clear, and …THEY”RE OFF!!! It’s Phil in the front but here comes a Volkswagen Rabbit not far behind in the left lane, Phils picking up speed. Don’t forget that yield at the cornder Philly…”

9. Put together five piece childrens puzzles. When you get to the last piece sit and stare at the puzzle for ten minutes, then get upset and yell out “DAMNIT! I can NEVER get these things!” Throw all the pieces to the floor and sulk in the seat for a few minutes. Eye the puzzle slowly, and mumble “Damn Mensa groups and their impossible games!”

10. Start up rounds of “Dirty Boulevard” or “In-a-gadda-vida”

11. Before the bus starts off, pass out questionnaires to everyone on the bus asking them to describe in 200 words or less why they are worthy to sit next to you. Hold a drawing for “one lucky winner and a companion”

12. Speak in 1950′s sitcom-eese. Use words like “Kooky”, “Wacky”, and “Keen”. Call the person “Pally” and “Chum”. Ask him or her if they “enjoy rock and roll music…that is what the kids are listening to now a days, isn’t it?”

13. Place bets on events that have already taken place. Say things like “I’ll lay two to one odds that hte South wins this Civil War thing.”

14. Whenever you pass another bus, act amazed and say “How can I be in there…when I’m in here???”

15. Ask if they have a stick of butter you could borrow. When they answer, sigh and say, “Never mind, it’s too late now anyway!”

16. When first sitting down, sink into the seat, breath a heavy sigh and excaim “Ahhhh….it’s good to be home!” Take out a remote control and pretend to change channels. Say that the batteries must be dead. Fall asleep and snore loudly. Wake up and say “Hey! I was watching that!”

17.Take out a pack of gum and say “Boy, my ears are popping already!” Talk about how the people *really do* look like antsfrom way up here. Wonder out loud where the stewardess is.

18. Pretend that you are driving the bus, and call out all the stops. Make honking noises. Complain about how bad the brakes are.

19. Talk about how excited you are to be on a bus. Sing songs with the word ‘bus’ in the lyrics, “Bus, bus, magic bus…” while wiggling around in the seat. Squeal a lot. Take pictures.

20. Act like a late night talk show host. Interview the person sitting next to you. Say things like “Do we have a clip of that?” and “We’ll be right back after these commercials.”

21. Spray the seat with Lysol before you sit down. Place a hanky on the armrest separating the two seats. Sit as far away from the person as possible. Ask if they happen to have an immunization record handy. Offer to let them see yours.

22. Let go of a clothespin hard on your finger. Scream in pain and say “WOW! Now I know never to do *that* again!” Do it again.

23. Overstate the obvious. “Woah, woah, we’re moving now…here we go. We’re on a bus, you know. We’re on the street, I think, no, we’re definitely on a street. Hey everybody…we’re driving on a bus! Weeee! Here we go..”

24. Ask if they sell Amway. Act disappointed when they say no. Say how much you were REALLY looking forward to sitting next to someone who sold Amway. Ask if they could just *pretend* for a little while.

25. Fondle a plastic knife while singing “The End” under your breath. Make small stabbing motions into the air in front of you. In a monotone voice say “Ironic that it would end THIS way…” and smile vaguely. Speak very loudly when you get to the part about the bus.

26. Clutch a metal thermos close to your chest. Fondle it gently and speak to it saying, “It’s all right my pet, we’ll be there soon enough..” Take the top off and drink from it carefully. Replace the cap and massage it softly, whispering, “Thank you my darling…thank you.”

27. Ask them which way they place the toilet paper on the roll. When they answer, eye them suspiciously, get up, and switch seats. Come back five minutes later and say that despite your personal differences you should still be able to sit next to each other in peace. Offer to kiss and make up.

28. Remark, “Isn’t it ironic how the very people that you kill are the very same people that you need to come to pick you up when you’re finally set free?”

29. Offer to share everything with them. If you apply capstick or file your nails, ask excitedly, “Want some?” When they say no, act hurt, shrug your shoulders, and say “Just thought I’d ask…”

30. Brag about every day events like, “I washed my hair this morning…all by myself! Then I used a towel to dry it. Did you ever wash YOUR hair all by yourself? Do YOU use a towel?”

31. Ask them if they think it’s normal to still have an umbilical cord at 32.

32. Speak only in quotes from Carpenters songs.

33. Narrate your entire trip. “She walked over to teh seat, and, eyeing him strangely, decided that this looked like as good a place as any to spend the lengthy drive from 9th to 22nd street. ‘Hello’ she said, but the strange man did not answer, at least, not right away…”

34. Hang a fishing pole out the window. Tug on the line a few times and wonder out loud why you can never seem to catch any fish. Decide that it was because you are using the wrong kind of bait, pack your stuff and say “Tomorrow I’ll come prepared”

35. Treat the person next to you like a baby. Say in a funny voice “Are you having fun? Ooh…do you want a rattle? He wants his silly rattle, yes he does, yes he does…”

36. Ask them if they watch QVC. Tell them that you just happened to have taped a particularly good episode about Cubic Zirconia’s. Ask if they would like to borrow it. Demand that they tell you their address so you can mail it to them.

37. Ask them if they would like some ice cream. Reach into your pocket and feel around for a few seconds, then say, “Oh well, must have left it at home!” Clean your hand off for the next five minutes.

38. Picket the bus. Sit cross legged in the middle of the rows and chant about how public transportation is Nazi propeganda. Try to convince other patrons not to get on. Offer to trade in their tokens for toys.

39. Pretend to recite pi. Start off, “3.141592, 3, 4, 5, 6 ,78, 9, 10, 11,12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23,24,25,26,27,28,29,THIRTY…31,32, 33,34.

40. At the first possible opportunity get extremely excited at the primitive invention, like paper. Demand to know all about it, Say, “Wait til I tell the guys about this one!” Ask if you can take a little piece with you, “just for verification”

Outfit for She's So Gone

Max's Concert Outfit for Lou's

"'You...are...a...fridge...with wings,' Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. "We're...freaking...ballet...dancers.'"

"Max: "Okay guys, I had a couple thoughts I wanted to go over with you."
Iggy: (pretends to snore loudy)
Max: (throws another pinecone at him)
Iggy: "Quit throwing things at me!"
Max: "Glad you could join us.""

" Am I tough? Am I strong? Am I hard-core? Absolutely.
Did I whimper with pathetic delight when I sank my teeth into my hot fried-chicken sandwich? You betcha."

"I took a bite of the cookie and chewed. 'Hmm,' I said, trying not to spit crumbs. 'Clear with vanilla notes, too-sweet chocolate chips, distinct flavor of brown sugar. A descent cookie, not spectacular. Still, a good hearted cookie, not pretentious.' I turned to Fang. 'What say you?'
'It's fine.'"

"They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.
"Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned.
"That can be his Indian name," I suggested."

"'And how do you spell that???' the agent asked.
'Captain, like the captain of a ship," the Gasman explained. 'And then Terror, you know, T-E-R-O-R.'

"Angel?" I said. "Baby penguins eat a regurgitated mixture of partially digest fish, krill, and an oily substance from their father's stomachs. Are you willing to eat a bunch of raw fish and krill, then barf it back up into a baby penguin's cute cheeping mouth? Like, every hour?"

"Oh. My. God," Total breathed, stopping dead. He stared up at her as if her were a starving man and she was a Snickers bar. He shook his head. "I know it's daylight, because the sun has started to shine again!" He inhaled deeply. "And the air--the air is suddenly perfumed with--"
"Jet fuel, hot tar, dirty bird kids, and a malamute," I said nudging him forward with my foot.

"I'm brilliant! I'm a genus! I could blow up the whole world!"
I raised my eyebrows.
"Not that I want to of course" Gazzy said and gave a little cough.

"Man, You weigh a freaking ton! What have you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?"

"I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner," Fang said, joining us.

"You were designed to be very smart, Max,' she told me. 'We electrically stimulated your synaptic nerve endings while your brain was developing.' (The director)
And yet I still can't program my DVD player,' I said."

Iggy: Can I come in?
Max: No! I'm in a towel!
Iggy: I'm blind!"

"You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record."

“Now, let’s say they come and get us.” –Max
“And, like, the halls are full of zebras.”-Ig
“And suddenly tons of bubbles are everywhere.” -Gazzy
“And then everyone starts to eat beef jerky,” -Nudge
“Yeah. I’ll grab a zebra; Gaz, you fill all the bubbles with your trademark scent, so people are choking and gagging: and let’s throw beef jerky right into their eyes! Now, that’s a plan!"

YOUR GUY SIDE:

x You love hoodies.
x You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
x It's hilarious when people get hurt.
x You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
x Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
x You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.

You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
x Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
x You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night--sometimes

TOTAL: 8

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

xYou wear lip gloss/chapstick.
x You love to shop.
xYou wear eyeliner.
xYou wear the color pink
xGo to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
x You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
x You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
xShopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
xYou don't like the movies Star Wars.
xYou were in gymnastics/dance.
x It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
x You care about what you look like.
x You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing perfume/cologne.
x You love the movies.
xUsed to play with dolls as little kid.
xLike putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing.

TOTAL: 16

Wow, does that make me girly?!

If you can be bothered reading this, it's actually really funny!!!

Bold the stereotypes that fit you

I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant

I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian

I’m a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie

I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm UNDERWEIGHT so I MUST have an eating disorder
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be snobby.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs/nuts.
I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.
I CHAT ONLINE, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IMMATURE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I'm A WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick and I MUST worship the devil.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm AUSTRALIAN so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I LOVE MARCHING BAND, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I AM FRIENDS WITH A CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I CRY EASILY, so I MUST be a wimp.
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I DONT LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

Okay! Now let's learn about me!

I'm 13 years old. My b-day's June 25. I like the colors black, purple, red, and some blues. And no. I am not emo. Anyway here's some random things I thought of!!!!!

1. My friend and I were sitting in the gym when this really cute guy comes up to us and was like "hey. what's up." and my friends was like " purple monkies!" and i said " speaking of purple monkies, my friend likes you!" to the cute guy. and so my friends like im gonna kill you! and so she chases me around the entire gym and the guys just like laughing his ass off. lets just say my friend was really red in the face.

2. i like guys that have dark brown hair with deep blue eyes.

3. i hate girls that look at u in disgust because of your clothes.

4. i hate girls that try to act cool but fail.

5. im sorta girly. im not that sure.

6. im weird...

7. in my school theres like safty patrol or whateves 4 8th graders. anyway my friend and i were holding doors and i was leaning against the wall. the wall was like cement bricks. i accidently cut my shoulder on the wall. my friend just laughed in my face. i was laughing to. the people around us were not.

8. my bff was texting me and we were talking about crushes. so i liked this guy in our class and so my bffs like ohhh u like him u like him. i was like what is wrong with you?and shes like a lot. did u just figure that out? im like nooo... yeah. akwardssssss.

Girl Comebacks!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.