Hello there. Chances are that if you're looking at this, it's because you're incensed over a review I left on your story. I make no bones about the fact that I am a flamer, i.e. I specialize in harsh reviews. Why do I do this? Mostly because I think people who have enough disrespect for the craft of writing or the canon they write in to post nonsense deserve it. Here is a list of things that give you a good chance of being flamed by me:

1.) Truly awful spelling, grammar, and punctuation, including but not limited to the use of chatspeak. I am not referring to a few scattered errors, but rather to those "stories" which are so ineptly written that they verge on incomprehensibility. If you fall under this category I have very little sympathy, because spellcheck, grammar check, and the beta system are all available to deal with these problems. You owe it to your readers to make your writing as good as it can possibly be, and if you don't have the time to do that then you don't have the time to write at all. Writing and editing are not separate processes -- you can't just skip the latter because it's hard.

2.) Rape featured as a joke or taken lightly. I don't think I have to say a lot about this one, except that it's disgusting and if you write this stuff you need help.

3.) Violation of the Terms of Service. Every time you post a new story, this site forces you to agree to certain conditions. Particular kinds of fics are banned, including songfics, chatfics, script format, "ask the characters" interactive fics, and second-person reader inserts. Clicking the button that indicates you agree and then posting one of these anyway makes you both dishonest and a cheater, and therefore worthy to receive a flame. I don't care if other people do it, because that doesn't change the fact that YOU are guilty of breaking the rules.

4.) Excessive OOC-ness and abuse of canon. I can tolerate AU if it's marked as such, but many authors on this site go so far in the AU direction that what they post is not fan fiction at all, but rather incorrectly labeled original fiction. Here's a tip: try replacing the canon characters' names with different names and see if they're still recognizable. If they're not, and you never explain why your characters are acting so differently from their usual selves, then you've crossed the line. People come to this site to read stories set in fictional universes they've come to know and love, and if you totally change these universes without giving fair warning then you're guilty of a kind of bait-and-switch, and deserve to be flamed.

5.) Long annoying author's notes, especially those that contain unfunny dialogue between the author and canon characters or the author and his/her alternate personalities. This is not funny, it is not clever, it is merely unprofessional. Have you ever seen this kind of thing in a published work? Of course you haven't, because it's obnoxious. Just don't do it. If an entire chapter is devoted to an author's note, then you have also violated the Terms of Service.

6.) Mary Sues/Gary Stus. What is a Mary Sue? Definitions differ, but to me it is an original character whose mere presence in the story functions to warp canon and drive the other characters OOC. I read mainly in the Naruto fandom, and surefire signs of an approaching Mary Sue there are the possession of the Sharingan, the possession of a bijuu, a familial relationship with a canon character (typically the Uchihas), skills that are unrealistically advanced within the context of the series, and inexplicably close relationships with all the other canon characters. A character possessing these characteristics is off-putting to the reader and also uninteresting, because every time he or she fights the outcome of the battle is a foregone conclusion. Invincibility is boring, and good writing requires tension, the possibility of disaster. If I never believe your character can lose I won't care if she wins.

I want to make it clear that I do not object to all original characters, nor to strong female original characters. Just make it believable, make it interesting, make it detailed, and try not to change canon too much. There's a lot more to be said on this subject, so you should PM me if you're worried your character is a Mary Sue or just want to discuss the subject. I don't flame in borderline cases, only the obvious ones.

Most fics I flame contain one or more of the above flaws. But I leave specific flames, and I will always tell you which one/s you are guilty of, usually with references to your particular story. In other words, I won't just write "Mary Sue," but will instead explain what characteristics of your OC make her a Mary Sue. The exception is #1, because a review is too short to beta an entire work, but if you want to know exactly what my problem with your mechanics is you can PM me. Note: I NEVER FLAME A WORK WITHOUT READING IT FIRST. Your work may catch my attention based on the summary or title, but not until I've read through every painful chapter will I post my opinion. Sometimes I can't get past the first chapter because it's so badly written, and in these cases I will let you know right away. So please, save your outraged replies of "You didn't even read it!", because I assure you that I did, unpleasant though the experience may have been.

I've been at this a while now, and have received all manner of replies from the people whose fics I review. Some have actually been more reasonable than expected, and in those cases I am perfectly happy to establish a dialogue with the author and try to help in whatever way I can. Here is a list of some of the most common replies I've seen, and my rebuttal:

1.) How can you critique my work? You don't even have any fics posted, so you can't talk!

This is not true. I do in fact have a number of fics posted under an alternate account, and use this penname to insulate them from illiterate retaliation. Moreover, the idea that only another writer can critique your work is ludicrous on its face, because fiction is meant to be READ. That is, the judge of your work's quality is your readers, of which I am one.

2.) You should have PM'ed me if you didn't like my story! I don't like seeing negative reviews posted on my story!

This clearly stems from a basic misunderstanding of the concept of a review. "Review" does not mean "blindly positive response," but instead encompasses all opinions of your work, both good and bad. If this were not the case then the whole review system would be useless as a tool to help writers. I am under no obligation to hide my negative opinion in a PM.

3.) It's my story and I can write whatever I want, even if it's stupid and violates canon! You have no right to judge me!

As for my right to judge you, see #1 above. And you're right -- you have the freedom to write and post whatever tripe you want. In the same vein I have the right to tell you how terrible it is, because ultimately freedom of speech is a two-way street. It doesn't mean the right to say anything without argumentation.

4.) I'm only a kid! How could you be so mean?

The minimum age for participation in this site is 13. If you're under 13, you shouldn't be here anyway and have no standing to complain about the consequences of your choice to violate the rules. If you're over 13, then you are old enough to learn to take criticism. Anytime you post something in public you expose it to scrutiny, not all of which will be friendly. Better get used to that right now. And 13 is old enough to know basic grammar and punctuation, so being a teenager doesn't give you a free pass on the mechanics. If you're of age to participate on this site and still weak on the basics, you need to go through a beta before posting and immediately seek out some good literature to give you an idea of what good writing looks like.

5.) Don't like don't read!

Er, how am I supposed to know whether I like something or not before I read it? I never flame based on the pairing or the subject matter, only the content and writing. Again, I always read a fic before reviewing. This advice is just totally illogical and would seem to require a temporal paradox to be implemented. As I don't have a time machine, no luck.

I respond to most PMs I receive from writers, even the irate ones, because my skin is not particularly thin. If your PM is stupid and/or as badly written and punctuated as your story, be advised that I will call attention to this fact in my reply. But sending me irate rant after irate rant without responding to any of my specific criticisms just makes you look stupider to me, so if your goal is to change my mind it won't work. If your goal is to let off some steam then so be it, but again this is unlikely to be effective because I'll probably send you a reply which will just make you angrier. If, on the other hand, you genuinely ask for help, I will do my best to give it.