Firstly, ON YER FUCKIN KNEES FOR ALEX P. KEATON, THE ORIGINAL VIRGINAL HOT PEICE!! IF YOU'RE NOT A FAN, DEFER TO THE AVATAR!!

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I like the Golden Girls, mortuaries, combing my boyfriends leg hair, stealing shit, doing drugs, sunflowers, grand theft auto, hair dye, tattoos, freaky shit in the bedroom, freaky shit in the laundry room, freaky shit in my grandma's room because it reminds me of the Golden Girls and that hot bitch Blanche Devaroe, baby bunny rabbits, hunting baby bunny rabbits, fucking up, making fun of shit, and Victoria was my favorite character IN THE WHOLE SERIES, BESIDES ARO, WHO I WANT TO SEX UP WITH HIS MURKY GLASS EYEBALLS AND SEXY TISSUE PAPER SKIN. I WANT MY MONEY BACK FOR THESE STUPID BOOKS, BUT THEY WON'T TAKE THEM BACK AT B&N CUZ I USED THE CHAPTER WHERE EDWARD'S PENIS INVERTED INTO HIS BODY AND HE RAN AWAY TO ROME LIKE A PUSSY BUT STILL HID THOSE PHOTOS UNDER HER FLOOR LIKE A CUNT SO ONE DAY WHEN SHE FINALLY DID MOVE ON AND GET OVER HIS ASS, SHE WOULD FIND THEM AND HAVE A FUCKING MELTDOWN BECAUSE SHE WOULD THINK SHE WAS A DELUSIONAL SCHIZOPHRENIC, YEAH, THAT CHAPTER, THAT'S THE ONE THAT'S MISSING CUZ I ROLLED OREGANO JOINTS UP WITH IT AND SOLD IT TO CANCER PATIENTS AT THE OLD FOLKS WHERE MY GRANDMA STAYS AT. THAT'S WHAT WE TRADE SO SHE LET'S ME AND MY BOYFRIEND DO FREAKY SHIT, LIKE COMB HIS LEG HAIR, IN HER GOLDEN GIRLS BEDROOM WHILE HER AND HER SHRIVELED NUGGET FRIENDS GET HIGH OFF MY SPICE RACK.

NOW GO READ A FUCKING BOOK NOT SOLD AT HOT TOPIC SO YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T MELT INTO SLIMEY SHIT FROM FF!!

Achtung, bb: Tro-olllll! Oh, tro-olllll!! Come here little troll and let me lather and shave your beasty stump legs, you sexy migdet of the netherworld. Srsly, that link didn't work, so hit me up with a better one. I'd say thanks, but I can't cuz' everyone knows that Troll's are The Fae, and you should NEVER THANK THE FAE!! I thanked a Selkie once and I ended up 6 months pregnant with a litter of kittens stranded in the Nevada desert in 1952.

Update!: GO FUCK YOUR HOLIDAYS!! (it's catchy, right?) I have denounced your domestic religion and now endorse OBAMA as the new false idol. I am starting a line of Obama portrayed Black Jesus paintings, including: Him playing poker with Oprah, Elvis, Bono, and Muhammed Ali. It's painted on the finest crushed black velvet available at my local flea market. A perfect gift for the non-holidays. Free Shipping. Now Only: 2,374.62

And no, it's not a coincidence that's the same dollar amount as my bond + the winning bid for the stray Rpatz pube I recently won on E-Bay.

My FAVES: Yes, yes. I have begun to compile a collection literary of works under My Favorites (below). I have scoured the Twiverse for THE WORST FANFICTIONS EVER WRITTEN!! Send me more to add to this ultimate collection of disasters. Seriously, you need to read this. "I Like them Chunky!" is the new "Fourteen". Fuckwhatchyaheard.

UPDATE!: CRACKQUAKE HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD?? OOPS... NOMINATED FOR AN AWARD!! THAT'S RIGHT! IT IS A NOMINEE IN THE "WHAT WERE YOU ON WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?". HA! LIKE I'LL EVER TELL. THIS SHIT IS BIGGER THAN THE HASTY PANTY PUDDING AWARDS. CHECK IT OUT, YOU PEEPERS. AND VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL HARVEST YOUR ORGANS FOR WIG MONEY!!